- hace 6 meses
Cutbacks at CONTROL mean part-time work for all of its agents. Max decides to set up shop as a private detective with 99 as his secretary. This episode marks the second impression by Adams of Humphrey Bogart on the show, this time as a parody of his Sam Spade role from The Maltese Falcon, and for the parody characters of the Fat Man and Joel Cairo, most famously played by Sydney Greenstreet and Peter Lorre (although here the Fat Man is called Mr. Peter and the Lorre-type character is Mr. Sidney. When Max apologizes for constantly mixing the name up, the Fat Man tells him that it happens "all the time"). Buddy Hackett has a cameo as the duo's bespectacled but nearsighted gunslinger Wilbur (based on "Wilmer Cook" of The Maltese Falcon). The episode's title is printed as "Maxwell Smart, Private Eye" on the DVD edition, but announced as "Maxwell Smart, Private Spy" in Barbara Feldon's spoken introduction, and this title appears in NBC memos shown on the bonus features DVD.
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00:00Flight 12, now loading gate 3, Philadelphia, New York, Boston, and Bangor.
00:13Attention, flight 7 to New York will be delayed 30 minutes.
00:18Attention, Mr. Buck Henry, please claim your poodle at baggage counter.
00:24Mr. Buck Henry, your poodle is waiting.
00:27Miss Markov?
00:29Yes?
00:30I'm Maxwell Smart, Secret Agent 86 of Control. I've been assigned to protect you.
00:34You seem familiar.
00:36Yes, well, I've been guarding you ever since you got through the Iron Curtain.
00:39Of course, you were on the plane with me.
00:42You were the man seated across the aisle reading a magazine.
00:46No.
00:47The man behind me with the dark glasses and the mustache.
00:50No.
00:51But I'm sure I saw you on the plane.
00:53I was the stewardess who fluffed your pillow.
00:56Genius disguise, Mr. Smart.
00:58Well, fortunately, I have the legs for it.
01:00I think we'd better use the side door. Come on.
01:03Am I in any danger, Mr. Smart?
01:05No, everything has worked out exactly as I planned it.
01:07No one could possibly know you're here.
01:09Trans World Press, do you mind answering a few questions, Miss Markov?
01:12Just a minute.
01:13Which Miss Markov are you looking for?
01:15Trinka Markov, daughter of the late Boravian Prime Minister, here to address the UN.
01:19Yes, well, I'm afraid you gentlemen have made a big mistake.
01:22You see, this is Lubella Markov, the European High Hurdle Champion.
01:25She's here to test our hurdles.
01:27Well, Miss Markov, I just saved your life.
01:36One click of this shutter and you would have been hit by a bullet.
01:39The old gun and the camera trick.
01:41How could you be sure?
01:43That corny outfit.
01:45The curled up hat, the loud plaid jacket.
01:47No photographer dresses like that.
01:49They're more like this fella here.
01:51Neat, quiet, and deadly.
01:54Miss Markov, Mr. Smart, I suggest you come along with us quietly.
02:00We have a car waiting outside.
02:01W Street, corner of 34.
02:25Oh, you want control secret headquarters.
02:28Hello, Max.
02:30Agent 34.
02:31What a break.
02:32How did the chief know I'd be needing you?
02:33He didn't, Max.
02:34This is my job.
02:36I'm moonlighting.
02:37What?
02:37While you were out of the country, there was another budget cut at control.
02:40We're all on part-time.
02:43That black car, it is following us.
02:50Turn right at the next corner.
02:52That's the longer way, Max.
02:53That'll run you another 50 cents.
02:54Turn!
02:55Turn!
02:55We've got a block lead on him.
03:03Step on it.
03:03Okay.
03:05Taxi!
03:05What are you doing?
03:10Company rules, Max.
03:12You're supposed to share the cab.
03:13324 is Z Street.
03:21Look, could you go a little faster, driver?
03:23I'm going to be late for work.
03:25Okay, buddy.
03:25But if I get a ticket, you'll pay for it.
03:29Uh, that's my corner.
03:31I can't stop now.
03:33Oh, that's all right.
03:34At least he could have slowed down.
05:11I'll get it, Chief.
05:18Where's the code of silence?
05:20Max, we leased it to the CIA.
05:22But that's ridiculous!
05:24It's just for a short time. I'm sure Congress will reconsider our budget cut.
05:28Well, why doesn't Congress cut the CIA's budget?
05:31How can they? Nobody knows what their budget is.
05:33We'll just have to talk here.
05:36Wait a minute, Chief. We can't afford to take that kind of a chance.
05:39I demand...
05:42Oh, Max, no!
05:44Yes.
05:45The closet of silence.
05:47Come on, 99.
05:57Now, Ms. Markoff...
05:58Shh!
05:59Hold it, Chief.
06:00Okay.
06:02Okay.
06:03Ms. Markoff won't be speaking to the U.N. until three days from now.
06:08Now, Chaos will do anything to keep her from making that speech.
06:11Our best chance to outwit them is to move her around.
06:14She'll spend the first day here, and the second day, 99, will check her into the Alladin Arms Hotel.
06:20The Alladin Arms Hotel? That dirty old dump?
06:25Well, Max, they're giving us a commercial raid.
06:28I can't hear you, Chief. You're talking into your overcoat.
06:30Oh, let me out of here.
06:34Max, the door's locked.
06:37Why do I let you talk me into things like this?
06:41Larrabee! Larrabee!
06:43Chief, you're wasting your time. Larrabee can't hear you. The walls are too thick.
06:47Ow!
06:50Sorry about that, Larrabee.
06:54Thanks, Max.
07:01What's the matter, Max?
07:03Oh, I don't know, 99. I'm so depressed.
07:05My first day back in the country, and the Chief balls me out for something I didn't even do,
07:09and he gives me a 50% cut in salary.
07:11But, Max, we all had to take that cut.
07:13Besides, you can make it up working part-time.
07:15After all, our new hours are only from 8 in the morning until 12 noon.
07:19I'm making a dollar an hour babysitting.
07:21Well, that's fine for a girl, but what am I going to do?
07:23What did you do before you became a secret agent?
07:25I was a babysitter. That's how I worked my way through college.
07:28Well, what did you do after that?
07:30Well, Control recruited me right out of college.
07:32See, I was a bonus baby spy.
07:37What's the matter, Max?
07:38Max, that coffee is lukewarm.
07:41Well, I guess the only thing you know is spying.
07:45Wait a minute, 99.
07:47That gives me an idea.
07:49You and I are going into business.
07:51Don't be discouraged, Max.
08:07After all, the office has only been open for a few hours.
08:09Yes, and no cases yet.
08:11I don't understand it, 99.
08:13This is a perfect location for a private eye.
08:15Right between a divorce lawyer and a congressman.
08:18Looks like you'll have to go back to babysitting.
08:20Babysitting.
08:20No, Max. I want to work with you.
08:32Are you Mr. Smart, the private eye?
08:35You said what?
08:36I'd like to talk to you, Mr. Smart.
08:38All right, start talking.
08:41Alone.
08:42Get out, sweetheart.
08:47I'll be in the outer office.
08:49If you need me, just whistle.
08:57Well, what can I do for you, Miss?
09:01What can I do for you, Miss, uh...
09:03Mrs.
09:04Mrs. Weatherly.
09:05Oh, please.
09:06Sit down, Mrs. Weatherly.
09:10Mr. Smart, I need your help.
09:11I need a very brave and clever man.
09:16Cigarette?
09:17No, thank you.
09:21So you need help, Mrs. Weatherly.
09:24Well, you've certainly come to the right place.
09:26What happened?
09:37You fell off the chair.
09:39Exactly.
09:41Drink, Miss Weatherly?
09:44Mr. Smart, I have a problem.
09:46You certainly do have a problem.
09:57No, no.
09:58It's my husband.
09:59He's threatened to kill me.
10:01He's madly, insanely jealous.
10:03And I don't know why.
10:04I've never given him any reason.
10:06I've never even looked at...
10:08You're very handsome.
10:11Yes, I know that, Miss Weatherly.
10:13Now about your husband, let's have a description.
10:16Eyes?
10:17They're not at all like yours.
10:19Deep, fascinating, piercing.
10:22Deep, fascinating.
10:24No, not my eyes, Miss Weatherly.
10:26Your husband's.
10:27Bloodshot.
10:28Bloodshot eyes.
10:31K, hair?
10:32Bald.
10:33Bald hair.
10:35Height?
10:35Short.
10:36Short height?
10:38Build?
10:39Tubby.
10:40Tubby.
10:42You better have another drink, Mrs. Weatherly.
10:47That must be my husband.
10:48If he finds me, he'll kill me.
10:49All right, don't get excited.
10:51Take it easy.
10:51You can go right down to fire escape.
10:53Oh, thank you.
10:59All right, come in.
11:02Max.
11:03Oh, it's you, 99.
11:05My client got scared.
11:06She thought it was her husband and ran down the fire escape.
11:08Oh.
11:10Max!
11:1199, don't tell me there's no fire escape.
11:13There's no fire escape!
11:15I asked you not to tell me that.
11:17Oh.
11:18It's all right, Max.
11:19She hit the canopy.
11:20She's just limping a little.
11:22Well, 99, there goes my first and only client.
11:25No, Max, that's not so.
11:27There are two men waiting to see you in the outer office.
11:29Oh, good.
11:30All right.
11:31Send them in.
11:32Right, Max.
11:36Would you gentlemen step in, please?
11:45Mr. Smart?
11:47You said what?
11:48We represent ourselves.
11:50Mr. Sidney.
11:51Mr. Peter.
11:53Mr. Sidney?
11:54No, I'm Sidney.
11:55He is Peter.
11:56Gentlemen, please be seated.
11:59I'll come right to the point.
12:03We're concerned about the safety of Trinka Markov.
12:07Oh?
12:10I was just a smart.
12:12As splendidly discreet as in, not in Sidney.
12:14Yes, he is, Mr. Peter.
12:16Dear Trinka told us how brave you were this morning
12:19and how you saved her from those vicious chaos killers.
12:25I've always hated brutality.
12:27Gee, we're afraid about what might happen to Mr. Trinka
12:31and we wish to hire you to protect her.
12:33I see.
12:35Are you interested in a job?
12:38Well, that all depends.
12:42When you hire me, you hire the best.
12:44And the best is expensive.
12:46My price is high and I won't have any haggling.
12:50Take it or leave it.
12:52How much?
12:56Uh, make me an offer.
12:58$250 a day.
13:00Who said what?
13:01$250 a day.
13:03I'll take it.
13:04Good.
13:05An advance and our telephone number.
13:08We wish you to keep a surprise to Miss Trinka's whereabouts at all times.
13:11Just so we know that she's safe.
13:13You see, Miss Trinka is a worrier.
13:16And she would only worry if she knew that we were worried.
13:19Don't give it another thought, gentlemen.
13:21I wouldn't want Trinka to worry that you were worried that she was worried.
13:25So, don't worry.
13:26One other thing.
13:33You must swear you to absolute secrecy.
13:35No one must know.
13:36Not even your secretary.
13:37Very well, gentlemen.
13:39Goodbye, Mr. Smart.
13:40Goodbye, Mr. Sidney.
13:42Mr. Peter.
13:43I'm Sidney.
13:44He's Peter.
13:45Oh, sorry about that.
13:47I don't know why I keep getting you two mixed up.
13:49Happens all the time.
13:50Hmm.
13:50Hmm.
13:56What do they want, Max?
14:00They want to pay me.
14:02They want to pay me $250 a day.
14:04For what?
14:06I'm sorry, 99, but my clients have sworn me to secrecy.
14:12Mr. Smart is a perfect fool, is he not, Mr. Sidney?
14:17Oh, yes, he is, Mr. Peter.
14:19He doesn't even begin to suspect we are chaos agents, and that he will lead Miss Markoff right into our trap.
14:29I know.
14:37There you are, Larrabee.
14:38Thanks, Chief.
14:41Sorry about it.
14:42Don't say it!
14:46Chief, when I tell you what I've been doing, you just...
14:48I'm not interested in what you're doing in your spare time.
14:51From 8 to 12, you're on control time, and it's a couple of minutes past 8 right now.
14:55You and 99 have to get Miss Markoff down to the Alladin Arms Hotel.
14:59Right, Chief.
14:59Where is she now?
15:00She's at the secret identity section.
15:02They're working on her disguise.
15:03Oh, really?
15:04What kind of a disguise, Chief?
15:05Well, she'll have a dark wig, changing her dress, and wearing sunglasses.
15:09Come on, let's see how she's doing.
15:10Come on, Max.
15:11I'll be with you in a minute, Chief.
15:12I want to make a phone call.
15:18Hello, Mr. Sidney.
15:27Oh, sorry, Mr. Peter.
15:29Maxwell Smart reporting.
15:31Oh, Miss Markoff is fine.
15:34Yes, I've taken every precaution.
15:37Well, she'll be wearing dark hair and sunglasses.
15:41As a matter of fact, we're taking her to a hideout at the Alladin Arms.
15:44Don't mention it.
15:45It's my job.
16:07We're here, Miss Markoff.
16:09What took so long?
16:10Max had to make sure you were safe.
16:11Yes, that's why I drove around town for three hours.
16:14No one could have possibly have followed us here.
16:24Thank heavens there are only two of them.
16:27Make that three.
16:32Make it four and keep the books open.
16:36Max, it's a trap.
16:38Help somebody!
16:39Call the police!
16:41Max, how could they have found out?
16:49There must be a security leak in our organization.
16:54If I ever get my hands on that stool pigeon, I'll...
16:57Max, we've got to leave them away from Miss Markoff.
17:04Come on, let's go.
17:04Hold it, 99.
17:14What is it, Max?
17:14What time is it?
17:15Uh, 12 o'clock.
17:16That's it.
17:17We're off duty for control.
17:19Max, what are you doing?
17:23I'm calling the chief.
17:24I want to ask him about my accident and hospitalization insurance.
17:28Oh, Max.
17:29You keep them busy.
17:36Hello, chief?
17:37Oh, Max.
17:38I just got off the phone with the Allen and Arms Hotel.
17:41They said there's a gun battle going on outside.
17:43I know, chief.
17:46That's what I'm calling you about.
17:47We're pinned down here by four chaos men.
17:50I'll send help.
17:51Uh, chief.
17:51I have a jurisdictional problem here.
17:54You see, up until 12 o'clock, I was working to you.
17:56But after 12 o'clock, I was hired by certain parties to protect Miss Markoff.
18:00Max, what are you talking about?
18:01The question is, even though it's after 12 o'clock, the fight started before 12 o'clock.
18:08Now, what I want to know is my accident and hospitalization...
18:11Max, what's happening?
18:14Never mind about that, chief.
18:16The important thing that I want to know is, according to rule 343...
18:20Max.
18:28Max, what's happening?
18:29Chief, better forget about my hospitalization.
18:32Check my life insurance.
18:43Thanks, Sam.
18:44Sam?
18:45Yes.
18:45The guy that was driving the truck was Agent 72.
18:48He must have a part-time job with the laundry.
18:55No, I don't believe it.
18:56I just don't believe it.
18:58But, chief, somehow, Chaos knew that we were taking Trinket to the Aladon Arms.
19:02And how could they?
19:03How could they, chief?
19:04Only one way.
19:05I'll tell you how.
19:06There's a traitor right here in our midst.
19:08Who, Max?
19:08Who?
19:09I don't know, but remember this.
19:11Every man in control who was hit by the budget cut is hard-pressed.
19:14Now, obviously, someone desperate for money is working for chaos.
19:18Someone right here in our organization.
19:21By the way, chief, how come you're the only one who didn't have to take a part-time job?
19:26Max!
19:27Just a friendly question, chief.
19:29I still say Miss Markoff would be safer here than any place else, and that's where she's going to stay.
19:34And I say that it's too dangerous for her here.
19:38May I remind you that I'm the chief?
19:40You may remind me, but it won't do you any good.
19:43And your boss?
19:44Yes, not after 12 o'clock.
19:47Exactly where do you think Miss Markoff would be safe?
19:50I'm sorry, chief, but I can't tell you that.
19:52There's a security leak here.
19:54But I'll tell you this much.
19:55She'll be perfectly safe.
19:57She'll be with me.
19:59Mr. Smart, why don't you turn on the lights?
20:13I don't want to take any chances.
20:14Besides, I've got the eyes of a cat.
20:17Now, let me see.
20:19As I recall, it's exactly five steps to my office door.
20:22One, two, three, four, five.
20:40Good evening, Mr. Smart.
20:42Well, Mr. Sidney and Mr. Peter.
20:45I mean Mr. Peter and Mr. Sidney.
20:48Now, Trinker, aren't you going to say hello to your friends?
20:51Friends?
20:52This is the first time I've ever seen them in my life.
20:55And, my dear, the very last time.
20:58Mr. Smart, what is this all about?
21:01Don't ask silly questions, Trinker.
21:03What is this all about?
21:05Very simple, Mr. Smart.
21:06You've been a perfect dupe.
21:08You've led Miss Markoff into our trap and we should have to kill her.
21:10And you, too.
21:13All right.
21:14Drop them.
21:15Drop what?
21:16Oh.
21:17Well, in that case, lift them.
21:19I can't think it will be necessary.
21:21You don't think I'm going to fall for that old one, do you?
21:28Mr. Smart.
21:29The old Wilbur and the drape trick.
21:35Get him up.
21:38Are they up?
21:41Wilbur, you will dispose of them after we are gone.
21:45You know, Mr. Sidney abhors brutality.
21:48Come, come, Mr. Sidney.
21:49You are, you are truly a gentle soul, Mr. Peter.
21:56We know you have another gun hidden in the desk, Mr. Smart.
22:00But it's useless without these, is it not?
22:03Yes.
22:04Well, I wasn't reaching for a gun.
22:06I was reaching for this.
22:08It's all right if I have a last drink, isn't it?
22:10Of course.
22:11A man like you should die, gallantly.
22:15That's the way I always die, fat man.
22:31Cheers.
22:31Don't move.
22:42Who is that?
22:44It's probably the police.
22:46The police?
22:48He can get away by going down the fire escape.
22:50That is an excellent idea, Mr. Smart.
22:54Now, please, move over there.
22:57Now, do not, I repeat, do not attempt to follow me
23:03because I am a deadly shot.
23:11Oh, how terrible.
23:14Well, maybe he was lucky and hit the canopy.
23:18Missed it by that much.
23:22Chief!
23:23Max, what happened?
23:25Miss Moncroft, are you all right?
23:26Yes, thanks to all of you.
23:32Chief, you came just in the nick of time.
23:34And what a clever way to get into the building,
23:35disguised as a janitor.
23:37Disguised?
23:38Oh, this.
23:39Uh, well, they cut my salary too, Max.
23:41This is my way to make it up.
23:48You broke the door, Max.
23:49No.
23:51I'm not sure.
23:51I'm not sure.
23:52But I'm not sure.
23:53I'm not sure.
23:53Thanks, Max.
23:54My name is Andrew.
23:58This is my name.
23:59You are all right.
23:59You are all right.
24:00You are all right.
24:01Yes.
24:01You are all right.
24:02The thing is,
24:04all right.
24:05You are all right.
24:06¶¶
24:36¶¶
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