00:02History has known many great liars, Copernicus, Goebbels, St. Ralph the Liar, but there have
00:11been none quite so vile as the Tudor King Henry VII. It was he who rewrote history to
00:17portray his predecessor, Richard III, as a deformed maniac who killed his nephews in
00:23the tower. But the real truth is that Richard was a kind and thoughtful man who cherished
00:31his young wards. In particular, Richard, Duke of York, who grew into a big, strong boy. Henry
00:41also claimed he won the Battle of Bosworth Field and killed Richard III. Again, the truth
00:47is very different, for it was Richard, Duke of York, who became king after Bosworth Field
00:52and reigned for 13 glorious years. As for who really killed Richard III and how the defeated
00:58Henry Tudor escaped with his life, all is revealed in this, the first chapter of a history never
01:03before told.
01:31Now is the summer of our sweet content, made o'er-caste winter by these Tudor clouds, and I
01:40that am not shaped for black-faced war. I that am rudely cast and want true majesty. I am forced
01:52to set
01:55sweet England free. I pray to heaven we farewell. And all who fight us,
02:01go to heaven.
02:04Hooray!
02:04Hooray!
02:05Absolutely! Hooray!
02:11I know not, my lord. I'll ask my son. Harry?! Who is
02:17that?!
02:17It is your other son, my lord.
02:19It is my other son, my needing.
02:21I'd say with us on the morrow.
02:25What's his name?
02:27Edmund.
02:28Edmund!
02:30Fight you with us on the morrow!
02:32Oh, goodness, no.
02:34No, I thought I'd fight with the enemy.
02:44You're not putting him anywhere near me, are you?
02:47No, no, no, Uncle. He'll be somewhere amongst the ground.
02:49Oh, arrow fodder.
02:51Precisely.
02:55What a little turd.
02:58Percy, you see how the king picks me out for special greeting?
03:02No, my lord.
03:04I saw it, my lord.
03:06Ah, and what is your name, little fellow?
03:09My name is Baldrick.
03:11Then I shall call you Baldrick.
03:14I shall call you my lord, my lord.
03:18I like the cut of your jib, young fellow, we lad.
03:21How would you like to be my squire in the battle tomorrow?
03:25It would be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
03:28Well, not if we lose, Percy.
03:30If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces.
03:32My arms will end up in Essex,
03:34my torso in Norfolk,
03:35and my genitalia stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland.
03:38If you look to hell, my lord, we cannot lose.
03:42Well, we could if we wanted to.
03:45Ah, but we won't, Percy.
03:46And I shall prove to all that I am a man.
03:50But you are a man.
03:52But how shall it be proved, Percy?
03:54Well, they could look up that tree and write them.
03:58It shall be proved by mine enemies rushing to the water closet in terror.
04:02Hooray!
04:03Hooray!
04:04Come, my toast.
04:05Let all those who go to don armour tomorrow
04:08remember to go before they don armour tomorrow.
04:12Hooray!
04:14Already I can hear the sound of battle ringing in my ears.
04:20Once more unto the bridge, dear friends, once more consign their pants most private to a Rutland tree.
04:32Let blood, blood, blood be your motto.
04:37Slid their gizzards.
04:41Now, I'm afraid there's going to have to be a certain amount of violence.
04:48But at least we know it's all in a good cause, don't we?
04:54And gentlemen in London still abed shall think themselves accursed they were not here
05:01and hold their manhood cheap while others speak of those who thought with us
05:09on Ralph the Liar's Day!
05:30Edmund!
05:31Oh, Mother, what do you want?
05:35Did you want to go to the battle this morning?
05:41Oh, my God, it's 11 o'clock!
05:51What?
05:52What is it?
05:52Where is this battle end?
05:54Oh, it's a lack of buzzworth field!
06:02Damn, damn!
06:04First decent battle since I've been puberty!
06:09Am I, my lord?
06:11On with Balric, to glory!
06:23Yes, I'm not so sure when needed, you know, but I mean, everything seems to be going very well, isn't
06:32it?
06:33Everyone's fighting, clearly having the time of their lives.
06:39Why, something over there isn't fighting, they're just lying down.
06:45They're dead, my lord.
06:49Damn, I knew I'd found something.
06:52Will you excuse me a moment for order?
06:59Your Majesty! You've lost your steed! Tent mine!
07:03No, no, no. I've won the battle. I've saved the kingdom. I think I can find myself a horse.
07:09True, my noble lord. I'll see you back to the castle.
07:13So be it!
07:16A horse!
07:19A horse!
07:21My kingdom, a horse.
07:24Ah, horsey.
07:30Witnesses.
07:38Oi, that's my horse!
07:49That'll kiss you!
07:55You won't be doing that again, now will you?
08:00Oh, thank God, it's Uncle Richard!
08:08What's up, my lord?
08:09Ah!
08:14Oh dear, Richard's a third.
08:18What are you gonna do?
08:19What are you gonna do?
08:19Oh, thank you!
08:27Come here, come here!
08:32Come here, come here!
08:35Please!
08:36Ah, my lord!
08:37Come here!
08:38Come here!
08:40Come here!
08:42Come here!
08:43Come here!
08:43I love you!
08:45Oh, God!
08:50Ahhh!
08:51Come on!
08:55Come on!
08:56Are you waiting?
08:58Oh, well done!
09:00Oh, Tom!
09:04Where's the head?
09:07Oh, Baldwick, I can't be expected to carry everything
09:14Percy, you brainless son of a prostitute
09:17Where have you been?
09:19I've just proved that I'm a man
09:21Look what I've found
09:23Oh, thank God
09:24Quick, Percy, quick, put it down and let's get out of here
09:26No, no, no, I've found it, it's mine
09:28What do you mean it's yours?
09:30I'm guilty you just to prove that I've killed a nobleman
09:33And which nobleman, pray?
09:38Oh, well, it's the king, actually
09:49Lost, all is lost
09:51What?
09:53Flee, flee
09:54Oh, my God, quick, let's get out of here
09:56Take me with you
09:58Get your hands off
09:59If you leave me alone here, I'll die
10:02If you don't leave me alone, I'll kill you myself
10:05Now leave him here, come on
10:06I'll give you money
10:09Ten thousand sovereigns
10:19Mother!
10:20Edmund, dear, how did it go?
10:23Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates
10:26Oh, but Edmund, I'm not ready
10:27I haven't had a boss or anything
10:29Mother, Henry is our enemy
10:31When his men get here, they'll brutally rubbish you and every woman in the castle
10:35Oh, well, I shan't bother to change, then
10:38Lord!
10:41What do you want?
10:42Listen!
10:45Oh, my God
10:46They're here already?
10:48Run for your lives!
10:49Run for the hills!
10:51No, my Lord, they're coming from the hills
10:53Sorry, run away from the hills
10:55Run away from the hills
10:56If you see the hills, run the other way
11:00No, my Lord, it's all right
11:01They're flying the banners of our King Richard
11:02What's impossible?
11:03He's dead, isn't he?
11:05King Richard dead?
11:08Yes
11:09Ah, God knows how
11:13Oh, dear
11:14That's really upset the julep guard
11:16Those flags, Percy
11:18You're obviously just a cunning trick to deceive us into staying
11:20No, my Lord
11:20I don't think it is a cunning trick
11:22Well, no, it's not a particularly cunning trick
11:23Make it be seen through it
11:24But they obviously thought it was cunning when they thought it out
11:26What do you mean, my Lord?
11:28I don't think they didn't think it out
11:29What, do you think someone else thought it out and they borrowed it for the occasion?
11:31No, my Lord, I don't think it's a trick at all
11:33You don't think it's wild enough people can't sell under someone else's banner as a trick?
11:36Well, no, I suppose it is
11:41It's only your father
11:43Hold on that bloody door
11:46Richard, it's you
11:47Well, who'd you expect it to be, woman?
11:50I thought it would be Henry Tulip
11:53Henry Tulip?
11:54Have you lost your conkers?
11:56So you won?
11:57Yes, of course
11:59We won
12:00We won
12:01Victory!
12:04So I suppose now you want to ravish me
12:07In a moment
12:09It's insatiable
12:12Three cheers for good King Richard
12:15Hop, hop
12:16Huzzah!
12:17Hop, hop
12:18Huzzah!
12:19Hop, hop
12:19Huzzah!
12:21Huzzah!
12:22All we need now is good King Richard to be here
12:24And the day shall be complete
12:26Oh, yes
12:28What a pity he's dead
12:31What?
12:33Well, who told you that?
12:35Well, Edward
12:38Is this true?
12:42Well, I wouldn't know really
12:43I was nowhere near him at the time
12:46I just heard from someone that he'd, uh
12:49I mean, I don't even know where he was killed
12:51I was completely on the opposite side of the field
12:54I was nowhere near the cottage
12:56Not that it was a cottage
12:58It was a river
12:59But then I would know, of course
13:00Because I wasn't there
13:01But apparently some fool cut his head off
13:04Or at least killed him in some way
13:06But took an air off or something
13:08Yes, yes, in fact
13:10I think he was only wounded
13:11Ah
13:13Or was that somebody else?
13:14Yes, I think it was
13:15Well, he wasn't even wounded
13:17Why did someone say he was dead?
13:19Yes!
13:19What?
13:20It's true, my lord
13:21I stumbled on his body myself
13:23Oh, pardon me
13:25Thou bleeding piece of earth
13:28My sweet
13:29And my sweet
13:30Thank you, Harry
13:31Thank you, Harry
13:32Thank you, Harry
13:35Yes
13:36And we all know
13:37Who did this dreadful deed
13:39Don't we?
13:44Yes
13:45Henry Tudor
13:48Yes
13:49And he still runs free
13:51Harry
13:53Call for silence
13:55Silence
14:00For the king
14:08Long live
14:10King Richard the fourth
14:13This day has been as twer
14:16A mighty stew
14:18In which the beef of victory
14:20Was mixed
14:20For the vile turnip
14:22Of sweet Richard slain
14:24And the grisly dumpling
14:25Of his killer fled
14:27But we must eat
14:29The yellow wobbly parts
14:30What the lord serves
14:32In life
14:34Each man gets
14:35What he
14:36Deserves
14:40Well, come on
14:41Let's go and kill
14:42Some more prisoners
14:55Hooray
14:57We're safe
14:58And I am a prince of the realm
15:01Hoop, hoop
15:03Hooray
15:11Hooray
15:12Ah, Edmund, there you are.
15:15Now, I know it's a little early,
15:16but I'd just like to get these battle averages sorted out.
15:20Now then, who did you kill today?
15:25No one. No one?
15:27Oh, dear. Right, I'll put you down for a duck, then.
15:31Which, I'm afraid, takes you out of the running for the Legion of Honour.
15:34Oh, I see. Sorry.
15:36Sorry, I thought you meant that I killed King Richard.
15:39What?
15:41What?
15:42Where's the question?
15:44Who did you kill today?
15:47Oh, I see.
15:48Ah, right. Let's see.
15:52Pedant.
15:53What?
15:55Pleasant.
15:57Pedant.
15:59Peasants. Peasants. Peasants. There are a lot of peasants.
16:03But they don't really count.
16:05Only in the event of a tie.
16:07Nevertheless, how many did you kill?
16:08Oh, wow.
16:10Four.
16:11Four.
16:11Four.
16:12Four.
16:14Hand-rad.
16:15Four.
16:16Hand-rad.
16:17Four.
16:18Hand.
16:18Hand-rad.
16:19Hand.
16:20Fifty.
16:21Four-hundred-and-fifty.
16:23Good Lord.
16:24Three times more than myself.
16:26Yes, well, I had a couple of lucky breaks.
16:28Any nobles?
16:29Ah, let me see, nobles.
16:31Um, I think Lord Coverdale.
16:34Who fought on our side, I believe.
16:36Uh, yes, I think Lord Coverdale saw me slaying, um, Warwick.
16:42Warwick the Wild of Leicester.
16:44Yes, that's him.
16:45I'm pretty wild he was, too.
16:47Took some finishing off, I can tell you.
16:48Yes, indeed.
16:49I killed him myself at one point.
16:51Anyone else?
16:52Um, um, let me see.
16:55He's trying to put names to faces.
16:58Yes, well, this is the list of the Lords as yet unaccounted for.
17:02Um, Roger de Runcie.
17:04Oh, de Runcie, yes, he was one of mine.
17:06Yes.
17:06Uh, Lord Thomas of Devon.
17:07Ah, yes, Backslash.
17:09Lord Yeovul.
17:10Ah, yes, Broinjob.
17:11Good.
17:12This is remarkable, Edmund.
17:14Remarkable.
17:15Oh, and the Bishop of Bath and Wells.
17:17Ah, yes, we'll never walk again.
17:19We'll conduct the Thanksgiving, sir.
17:22Oh, Bath and Wells.
17:26Ah, Lord Percy.
17:28Edmund tells me that you managed to turn up late for the battle,
17:31so there's not much point in asking you your score, is there?
17:38Ha-ha!
17:40Ha-ha-ha!
17:41At last I can relax.
17:46Who the hell is this?
17:48Ah, well, you remember that dying man we saw in the cottage?
17:52The one I specifically told you not to bring back to the castle
17:55under any circumstances?
17:57Yes, that's the one, yes.
17:58So what is he doing in my bed?
18:00Well, he claims to be a wealthy man.
18:02I thought if we nurse him back to health, he may reward us.
18:06No, wait.
18:07I think I have an idea.
18:09If he is a wealthy man, and we nurse him back to health,
18:14he may reward us.
18:17Oh, brilliant, my lord.
18:19Very good thinking.
18:20Thank you, Baldrick.
18:22Well, what would you expect?
18:24After all, who has the fastest brain in the land?
18:28French Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.
18:30Who is the boldest horseman in the land?
18:33French Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.
18:36Who is the bravest swordsman in the land?
18:39Oh, don't tell me that's that earl from Norfolk.
18:41Prince Edmund!
18:42Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.
18:44Precisely.
18:44Or, as I shall be known from now on,
18:50the black vegetable.
18:55Oh, lord.
18:57Wouldn't something like the black adder sound better?
19:00No.
19:01Wait.
19:02I think I have a better idea.
19:05What about the black adder?
19:14That one!
19:17That one!
19:19That one!
19:24Ha-ha!
19:25Ha-ha!
19:27Ha-ha!
19:28Ha-ha!
19:38Very witty, my lord.
19:39Thank you, Mordrick.
19:41Very, very, very witty, my lord.
19:43Thank you, Leslie.
19:44You're certainly wittier than your father, my lord.
19:47Yes, and head and shoulders over Richard III.
19:51Is that supposed to be witty?
19:55No, my lord.
19:56That was an example of the sort of thing that you yourself would not stoop to.
20:03Go away!
20:04Yes, my lord.
20:21Oh, you're still here, are you?
20:23Uh, yes.
20:29Wait a minute.
20:31Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
20:34I don't know.
20:35I feel that I've seen you before also.
20:39Well, I am Prince Edmund, son of Richard IV.
20:44Why are you...
20:45Well, I'm not important.
20:47Not important?
20:48You mean you're not rich?
20:49No.
20:50Yes, yes, I'm incredibly rich.
20:52I'm, I'm a very wealthy, uh, modest person who wishes to remain nameless.
20:59Well, you'd better be rich.
21:00Get your money together, get better and get out of my bed.
21:03Is that clear?
21:12Oh, yes, there is actually.
21:16Ah!
21:20And hello to you.
21:24Hello.
21:25Hello.
21:26Oh, goodness me.
21:28I hadn't expected to see you like this.
21:33Sitting down, you mean?
21:35Yes, that's right.
21:36Sitting down.
21:38Goodness, look.
21:39Look, you're sitting down.
21:40Yes.
21:40Good Lord, I haven't seen you sitting down since, uh...
21:45Yesterday?
21:47Was it only yesterday?
21:48Good Lord.
21:49Um, uh, well, how was your battle?
21:55Fine.
21:55Somebody cut my head off at one point, but otherwise everything went swimmingly.
21:59How are you, Edna?
22:01Edmund.
22:02Oh, your father told me.
22:03Edna.
22:03No, no.
22:04So, Edna, you loathsome little fairy maggot.
22:08How are you?
22:08Uh, oh, how, how very, very kind of you to ask, um, your majesty.
22:13I'm very well, and, uh, and it's very good to see you, because, frankly...
22:19Yes?
22:19Well, well, well, frankly, uh, gosh, you look well.
22:25Frankly what?
22:26Spit it out, you horrid little scabby reptile.
22:29Um, well, frankly, everyone thought you were dead.
22:34Well, frankly, I am.
22:40Do come in.
22:42No, don't come in!
22:43Why not?
22:44Have you got someone in there with you?
22:46Um, not as such.
22:49Is it a woman?
22:51No.
22:52Is it a man?
22:53Um.
22:57um yes yes it is you hesitated edmund it's not a sheep is it
23:05yes i'm a sheep well then let me in so farewell edna you'll be seeing me later
23:16um have uh have you got transport um perhaps you'd like to borrow my horse again
23:24oh or at all i mean not that you've borrowed it before
23:29coming
23:36are you all right edmund oh you look as if you've just seen a ghost
23:41yes hurry up anyway you're expected at the banquet
23:44um look um brother uh you won't tell anyone about my oversleeping this morning and and what have you
23:52now will you now would i edmund do i tell people that your brother harry is scared of spoons
23:58or that your father has very small private parts
24:03oh mother
24:08oh edmund
24:11that's the lying i find so hurtful
24:31you dare sit there boy that was king richard's seat would you insult his ghost
24:36um no no sorry
24:40yes find your own chair you smelly little dog's pizzle
24:52how many prisoners have you got harry
24:54i'm not harry i'm richard
24:57send a brace to my room will you
24:59very well do you want them harley
25:00no fresh ones
25:01i want to practice my backhand
25:02oh i don't think you need to where you slaughtered lord stanley
25:06hello
25:08oh i wish uncle dicky was here
25:10don't dicky me ducky
25:41tonight
25:42and then whoever is what was him edmund
25:45wherever he be he's down there at the end
25:48he shall be struck down
25:50well then get on with it you stupid hope he's there
25:52it wasn't me
25:53who said that
25:54the english will kill me this afternoon
25:56i didn't
25:57well then who did
25:58it was actually edmund who interrupted sire
26:00hang the little slug
26:02i will have silence
26:07another toast
26:08to dead king richard
26:11oh my god
26:13gentlemen
26:14thank you sir
26:16thank you all
26:17thank you very much for nothing
26:19thank you so much
26:21that's the last you'll be seeing of me
26:23not that you've seen much of me
26:26now that we have silence
26:30we shall continue with the ceremony of desecration
26:34produce the portrait of the pretender
26:37henry tudor
26:45oh my god
26:47oh
26:56good evening
26:58oh where's henry tudor
27:02oh
27:03oh
27:05oh
27:05oh
27:05oh
27:06oh
27:07oh
27:07oh
27:11oh
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27:26oh
27:26oh
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27:26oh
27:50oh
27:51oh
27:51oh
27:51oh
27:51oh
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28:10oh
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28:33oh
28:38oh
