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TV, Movie, 3rd Rock from The Sun S01E09
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TVTranscript
00:01Aliens are all around us. This is the story of a band of four such explorers. In order to blend
00:07in, they have assumed human form. This is the High Commander. He has assembled an elite team of experts. A
00:15decorated military officer, seasoned intelligence specialist, and, well, they have an extra seat.
00:23Earth is a place where backing down causes ego problems. Backing up causes severe tire damage.
00:52The High Commander
01:01What are you doing?
01:02I'm waxing the floor. You know, it's nice to know that every time I take some responsibility, I move a
01:07step closer to my promotion.
01:09You're on the road to the top.
01:10And I don't care who I step on to get there.
01:13Oh, nice job, Harry.
01:15Huh. Floor's so shiny, I can see up my own dress.
01:20That's enough.
01:22Sally.
01:23What?
01:28You touched my radio.
01:29No, I didn't.
01:30Yes, you did.
01:31I always leave it tuned to Big Country 902.1.
01:34I turned it on and out came Mucho Salsa 106.
01:37Well, you used my leg razor to shave your stupid face.
01:39Well, that's because the delicate handle is easier to grip.
01:42Oh, okay, listen, Mr. Daino.
01:43Hey, hey, hey.
01:44Hey, am I going to have to separate you two?
01:48All we seem to do is argue ever since we came here.
01:50I don't want to talk about it.
01:51We studied nine galaxies in perfect harmony.
01:54And we didn't leave scuff marks.
01:57We seem to be annoyed with each other.
02:00And as fascinating as that is, it's irritating as hell.
02:04Sally.
02:05I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
02:06I just got a shooting pain in my head when you began to speak.
02:08You know, August finds this quite charming
02:10in our naive determination to stay together.
02:12You tell your little girlfriend, August, to mind her own business.
02:15Yeah, and don't drink out of the milk carton.
02:17Fine.
02:19Look at this.
02:20We're failing here.
02:21We're a family.
02:22We're supposed to be getting along.
02:23We've got to work on this.
02:24Could you please take this argument off my linoleum floor?
02:27Oh, come on, Harry.
02:27Harry, you know what?
02:28I'll give you your promotion right now
02:30if you don't say the word really in the next two minutes.
02:32Really?
02:32You lose.
02:33Oh, dick.
02:34She tricked me.
02:35I don't want to talk about it.
02:40Well, I guess I just can't have nice things.
03:04What are you doing under my desk?
03:05Sleeping.
03:05Why?
03:06Because the top of your desk is hard and cold.
03:09You do have a bed at home, don't you?
03:11Yes, but I can't stand my house.
03:13It's filled with family.
03:17If I live with my brother, it wouldn't last a week.
03:19You have a brother?
03:20That's great.
03:21Tell me about him.
03:22Well, he hasn't quite gotten settled yet.
03:25I don't think he's met the right woman.
03:27Not that women are put off by him.
03:29Well, some are.
03:31Most are.
03:34What does he do?
03:34Oh, something different every year.
03:36Right now, he's restoring houses.
03:37I have a picture of him around here somewhere.
03:39Is this him?
03:40What a gut.
03:40No, that's my mother.
03:44That's Roy.
03:44Why don't you call him?
03:45I'd like to meet him.
03:46Oh, we don't get together.
03:48You don't get along?
03:48No, no, it's just hard.
03:50Does he live far away?
03:51From my house, so three, four blocks.
03:56So you choose to have nothing to do with him?
03:58No, that's not true.
03:58Well, you don't see him.
03:59Not very much.
04:00But you'd like to see him?
04:01Not very much.
04:03Then I was right.
04:04You don't want to have anything to do with him.
04:05I didn't say that.
04:05Why don't you call him?
04:07Fine, I'll call him.
04:08Yes!
04:09We've been meaning to get together.
04:11I'll ask him to drop by.
04:12Wonderful.
04:13Oh, and when he gets here, just act normal.
04:17I'd ask you to do the same, but I'm afraid that ship has sailed.
04:22Hello?
04:23Roy?
04:28Tommy, would you sign my worksheet?
04:30Uh, sure.
04:31What'd you do?
04:32Oh, uh, well, I pre-peeled all these bananas for eating ease.
04:39Good job, Harry.
04:40Yeah.
04:40Manja.
04:41Manja.
04:44Now I know why I like you, Tommy.
04:46You're always supportive and patient with your family.
04:48Yeah, well, just the kind of guy I am.
04:52You spend a lot of time taking care of other people's needs.
04:55Except mine.
04:56Yeah, well...
04:57Wait, am I in trouble?
04:59Wait, how did I get in trouble?
05:00You're not in trouble.
05:02We're in trouble.
05:04I really hope we don't have to break up.
05:05Break up?
05:06Wait, we're not breaking...
05:06When did we break up?
05:08I'm just saying I think it would be good if we focused a little more on each other.
05:11Well, I'll show you focus.
05:12Let's go to a movie Friday night.
05:13I don't know.
05:14Oh, August, please, please.
05:16You're so needy.
05:17I'm sorry.
05:21No.
05:22I like that in a man.
05:28No, Sally, I will not apologize.
05:30And let me tell you what...
05:32Hello?
05:33Hello?
05:38Sally, I am the High Commander, and you are not allowed to hang up on...
05:43Hello?
05:49Sally?
05:56Dr. Solomon?
05:57This is my brother, Roy.
05:59Whoa.
06:00Your head is huge.
06:03Enormous.
06:04It's a pleasure to meet you.
06:05Say, um, how do you get any work done with all these 18-year-old butts waving in your face?
06:09Oh, I try.
06:10I try.
06:11So tell me all about yourself.
06:13Well, um, it must be fascinating restoring houses.
06:18I don't...
06:19I don't restore houses.
06:20I sell vinyl siding.
06:22I think you underestimate the effect vinyl has on houses.
06:27Listen to her.
06:28She's always bragging on me because she loves me.
06:30Because she's my monkey girl.
06:31Oh, don't you...
06:32Aren't you the monkey girl?
06:33No, you're the monkey girl.
06:35You want to hear the monkey sound?
06:36Please.
06:36Oh, it's not the monkey sound.
06:37No.
06:38Stop it.
06:40Oh, it's wonderful.
06:42Playful, sibling aggression.
06:43It's fantastic.
06:44Please continue.
06:45No.
06:47Oh, you must be Roy.
06:49We've spoken.
06:50I'm Nina.
06:51Oh, hey.
06:52It's nice to finally meet you.
06:53Nice to meet you, too.
06:55Gosh, you don't sound black on the phone.
06:58It's just something I picked up in spy school.
07:02Ooh, he's nice.
07:05You know, I have a great idea.
07:08Why don't the two of you come over for dinner?
07:09Tonight at 7 o'clock.
07:11Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
07:13I think the monkey might want to go.
07:15You think the monkey might want to go?
07:16Yes, yes, yes.
07:17Oh, wonderful.
07:18Roy, you are the perfect brother.
07:20Hey, this is the guy you said was a pompous ass?
07:24That's me.
07:48Sally, the Albrights will be here any minute now.
07:50This is a special occasion.
07:51Where's the salmon mousse, the doctorine, the smoked chub?
07:56You know, Dick, I have a cleaver in my hand.
08:01I got a date with August.
08:03Don't wait up.
08:03Oh, no.
08:04No, no.
08:06Dr. Albright and her brother are coming to dinner tonight.
08:09So?
08:09Oh, you've got to see them together.
08:11They're just adorable.
08:14Their relationship is everything that our family's isn't.
08:17Well, then you just take good notes
08:19because tonight is my chance to get into Braville.
08:23You can go to Braville some of the time.
08:26Hello?
08:27Is it safe to come up?
08:28Come on up.
08:30Come on up.
08:31Welcome, Albright children.
08:33Oh, allow me to take your coats, Dick.
08:37Make a note of it.
08:38I am taking initiative and their coats.
08:40Good for you, Harry.
08:44That's my brother Harry and this is Tommy, my son.
08:48Oh, hey, partner.
08:49How you doing?
08:51Hey, what's that?
08:52A quarter?
08:53Oh, I get it.
08:55You're trying to impress a youngster
08:57with what you think is a mystifying feat of trickery.
09:00This is the part one.
09:01This one.
09:02Cut your hair.
09:03You look like a girl.
09:05You're just here.
09:06Sit down.
09:07Everybody just make yourselves comfortable.
09:09Let me have that.
09:11Can I have a glass of that now?
09:12Harry, take the wine.
09:13Wine taken.
09:16Jordan H. Almonds,
09:18you are one beautiful woman.
09:21Why does every man I meet have to remind me of that
09:23like I'm going to forget?
09:27Sally, as siblings,
09:28Roy and Mary are fun-loving and playful.
09:33You know, Mary and I are thick as thieves.
09:35Hey, monkey, remember the time
09:37Mom found all my Playboys
09:39and you said they were yours
09:40and you had to spend two years in therapy?
09:44Harry, come on in here.
09:46Let's all, uh, be sociable.
09:48Oh, here.
09:48Why are you sitting there?
09:50Just, uh, relax.
09:53Interact.
09:54Naturally.
09:58Okay, Roy, I'll tell you what.
10:00Why don't you start things off
10:01by telling us some amusing family story?
10:04Well, I don't know how amusing this is,
10:06but this is the most amazing thing
10:08that ever happened to me.
10:10No one wants to hear your stupid story.
10:14No, I think they do want to hear my stupid story.
10:17No, they don't.
10:20Yes, they do want to hear my stupid story.
10:22Now, this fascination...
10:24Roy, Roy, Roy!
10:26Please continue.
10:28You're going to think I'm crazy, but...
10:31I was once abducted by an alien spacecraft.
10:45Excuse us.
10:48I promised you wouldn't talk about that.
10:50No, I promised I wouldn't talk about your chin implant.
10:52No, no, no!
10:53We're not killing anyone!
11:04Spacecraft, you say?
11:13I guess a layman would call it an abduction,
11:17but what those space people did to me that night
11:19was more of a spiritual kidnapping.
11:26Yeah, right.
11:27Aliens traveled billions of light years through space
11:31to ram a probe up Roy Albright's butt.
11:37Tell us about the space people, Roy.
11:40I'm driving along the road one night,
11:42really late,
11:42and then I pull off into this cornfield,
11:45and then all of a sudden,
11:47I see this rip in the atmosphere,
11:49and then hovering right over my head
11:52is this giant hovering thing.
11:58It was a weather balloon.
12:03Except weather balloons don't poke you in the eyes with needles.
12:09Well, that doesn't sound like anyone we know.
12:13I mean, we know.
12:19I'm in a spaceship,
12:21and I'm surrounded by all this...
12:23Foam?
12:25Exactly.
12:26Roy, you were never in a spaceship.
12:27I was in a spaceship,
12:28and I have the scars to prove it.
12:30Roy Lewis Albright,
12:31if you have one decent bone in your body,
12:33you will not do this to me.
12:36So anyway, you can see where we're off.
12:38That's it. No more.
12:39I need some air.
12:40Dr. Albright!
12:41Let her go, Dick.
12:42Go on, Roy.
12:43Well, the next thing I know,
12:44I'm being socked up inside this big hole.
12:47The big hole?
12:48The big hole?
12:49The big hole.
12:52Roy, will you excuse us?
12:59Now we have to kill him?
13:00You're overreacting.
13:01Dick, he could turn us in.
13:02Do you really want to be the subject of some alien autopsy show on the Fox network?
13:07You're jumping to conclusions.
13:08And Fox is not a network.
13:12We don't have all the facts yet.
13:13Dick, I'm in charge of security,
13:15and I say we kill him.
13:16Well, I am the high commander,
13:17and I'm putting this decision on hold.
13:19Now I'm going to check on Dr. Albright.
13:21You go entertain Roy.
13:24I'll pull a quarter out of his ear.
13:28I'll pull his brain out of his ear.
13:32You all right?
13:33Yeah.
13:34I'm sorry about Roy.
13:36I told him not to tell that story,
13:37but he never does anything I ask.
13:38Well, that's Sally all over.
13:40It's hard being the oldest.
13:42They think we're trying to run their lives.
13:43Yeah, when all we're trying to do is control them.
13:48Do you think that Roy actually was abducted by aliens?
13:53No.
13:54But I prayed for it every night as a kid.
13:58What about you?
13:59Do you think there's intelligent life up there?
14:02There?
14:04No.
14:05Not there.
14:07There.
14:10Um, Dick, can I talk to you for a second?
14:11Can't you see I'm busy?
14:13Okay, let me rephrase this.
14:15Dick, can I talk to you for a second?
14:20Excuse me.
14:24This had better be important.
14:25I don't know if it's important or not,
14:27but you know that cornfield down by the interstate?
14:29Yes.
14:29Well, Sally took Roy there to kill him.
14:31But sorry to interrupt.
14:32Oh, damn!
14:34She's willfully disobeying my orders.
14:36And in a cornfield, that's such a cliche.
14:41So, hey, the kids went down to the cornfield
14:43to have a little fun.
14:44What say we join them?
14:45I do want to go to a cornfield.
14:47Maybe the monkey wants to go to a cornfield.
14:51Does the monkey want to go to a cornfield?
14:52Oh, don't you dare.
14:54All right, all right, all right, all right, let's go.
14:57Hello?
14:59August?
15:00We had a date tonight.
15:03Cornfield time.
15:08Either you go with him and live his life,
15:11or you come with me and live yours.
15:13But he needs me.
15:15Fine.
15:16Maybe next week you can try and get to first base
15:19with your dad.
15:22Tommy!
15:23Bye-bye, Dick.
15:30I like the way you work.
15:32You've looked.
15:33You saw.
15:34You took.
15:36Now, can we lose Forrest Gump over there?
15:40You're absolutely right.
15:41I'll go talk to him.
15:47I can handle this myself.
15:49Please, Sally, let me kill him.
15:51It looks so good on my resume.
15:53The answer's no.
15:54Oh, Sally, please.
15:56Please.
15:58All right.
15:59You want the job, it's yours.
16:01But we do it my way.
16:02Hey, what's going on over there?
16:04There are the actions over here.
16:08Coming!
16:09Okay.
16:10Take this rock.
16:12When you hear me say the words Big Dipper,
16:14bash him over the head.
16:15Can you do that?
16:16Prepare to be dazzled.
16:23So you couldn't shake him, huh, babe?
16:25No.
16:28Uh, Roy, look, over there.
16:30It's the Big Dipper.
16:32Roy?
16:33Oh, yeah.
16:35No.
16:36That's Orion's belt.
16:39Excuse me.
16:41Give me a rock, rockhead!
16:43Now, just stay on guard.
16:44Prepare...
16:45Shut up!
16:50You sure you don't mind seeing this movie?
16:53Oh, no.
16:54Anne Bancroft, Olympia Dukakis, and Holly Hunter?
16:57What teenage boy wouldn't want to see this movie?
17:03August, do you get along with your family?
17:05No.
17:06My father doesn't give me any credit.
17:08He still treats me like a little kid.
17:10He doesn't recognize how old I am on the inside.
17:12Me, too.
17:13You know, we really have a lot in common.
17:15Yeah, we do.
17:16Hey, you...
17:17You really want to see this movie?
17:18There's no one in my house.
17:21I want to see the movie.
17:22Me, too!
17:24See how much we have in common?
17:26Two, please, for, um...
17:28They came to talk.
17:35You're a big girl, aren't you?
17:39You know what really makes me hot?
17:42Tell me.
17:44The back of a man's head.
17:48Well, then, feast your eyes on this.
17:52Oh, yeah!
17:54Whoa, whoa, whoa, ticket's coming.
17:55Halt Operation Killroy.
18:00Dick, what a pleasant surprise.
18:02You'll know this one now.
18:03Is that the big difference?
18:04Don't try to kiss up your ass's grass.
18:07I can't believe you, Roy.
18:09This is where that UFO story always ends up.
18:12You and a woman in a cornfield.
18:15You make me sick.
18:16I did not ask to be beamed on board that ship
18:19of unspeakable horror.
18:21Excuse me.
18:22Beamed?
18:23You said sucked.
18:25No, I said beamed.
18:27Who heard sucked?
18:33Well, yeah, you're lying.
18:35I'm lying.
18:35He's lying.
18:36I have had it with you.
18:38Name one thing I did wrong tonight.
18:40You lied.
18:40You embarrassed me.
18:42You were yourself.
18:44Well, if you're gonna nitpick,
18:47I'm leaving.
18:48Thank God.
18:49So, um, I'll see you on Mom's birthday?
18:51Yeah.
18:52You wanna go in on a present?
18:53Okay, nothing over 40 bucks.
18:54You got it.
19:01I need a ride.
19:05Oh, really?
19:06Sally.
19:07Whatever.
19:10Hey, wait for me.
19:14What just happened here?
19:16What do you mean?
19:18You're gonna see him at your mom's birthday?
19:20Yeah.
19:21It's a birthday.
19:22He's family.
19:24So, no matter how obnoxious you are
19:27and how much of a burden you've become,
19:29you can still count on the forgiveness of your family?
19:32Yeah.
19:34Even if they touch your radio
19:36and refuse to make smoked chub
19:37and disobey your orders not to kill?
19:41Yeah.
19:42Even then.
19:45That is so beautiful.
19:48I'm a brother.
19:57I disobeyed orders.
19:59I deserve some punishment.
20:00What'll it be?
20:02I deserve some punishment.
20:05I deserve some punishment.
20:07I deserve some punishment.
20:10I deserve some punishment.
20:12I deserve some punishment.
20:13I deserve some punishment.
20:13I deserve some punishment.
20:13I deserve some punishment.
20:13I deserve some punishment.
20:13I deserve some punishment.
20:14I deserve some punishment.
20:14I deserve some punishment.
20:15I deserve some punishment.
20:16I deserve some punishment.
20:24I deserve some punishment.
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