- 3 days ago
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00:01Private?
00:01Oh, thank you, sir.
00:06Don't dash and blast all this hanging around, sir.
00:09I'm as bored as a pacifist pistol. When are we going to see some action?
00:12Well, George, I strongly suspect that your long wait for certain death is nearly at an end.
00:17Surely you must have noticed something in the air?
00:19Well, yes, of course, but I thought that was Private Baldrick.
00:22That's not very much mistaken.
00:24Soon we will at last be making the final big push.
00:26That one we've been so looking forward to all these years.
00:29Well, hurrah with highly polished brass knobs on.
00:32About time.
00:38Hello, the Somme public baths.
00:41No running, shouting or piddling in the shallow end.
00:44Ah, Captain Darling.
00:47Tomorrow at dawn.
00:48Oh, excellent.
00:50See you later, then. Bye.
00:53Gentlemen, our long wait is nearly at an end.
00:56Tomorrow morning, General Insanity Melchit invites you to a mass slaughter.
01:00We're going over the top.
01:02Well, huzzah and hurrah.
01:04God save the king, rule Britannia, and boo sucks to Harry Hunt.
01:08Oh, to put it more precisely, you're going over the top, I'm getting out of here.
01:12Oh, no.
01:13God damn.
01:14It may be a bit risky, but it sure is blooming hell worth it, Governor.
01:17How can it possibly be worth it?
01:19We've been sitting here since Christmas 1914, during which millions of men have died,
01:24and we've advanced no further than an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping.
01:31But this time, I'm absolutely pos will break through.
01:33It's ice cream in Berlin in 15 days.
01:35Oh, ice cold in no man's land in 15 seconds.
01:38Now, the time has come to get out of this madness once and for all.
01:42What madness is that?
01:43Oh, for God's sake, George, how long have you been in the army?
01:46What, me?
01:47Oh, I joined up straight away, sir.
01:48August the 4th, 1914.
01:50Oh, what a day that was.
01:52Myself and the rest of the fellows leapfrogging down to the Cambridge recruiting office
01:55and then playing tiddlywinks in the queue.
01:58We'd hammered Oxford's tiddlywinkers only the week before,
02:00and there we were, off to hammer the boss.
02:03Trashingly superb bunch of blokes.
02:05Fine, clean-limbed.
02:07Even our acne had a strange nobility about it.
02:10Yes, and how are all the boys now?
02:13Oh, well, Jocko and the Badger bought it at the first Ypres, unfortunately.
02:17Quite a shock, Dad.
02:18I remember Bumfluff's housemaster wrote and told me that
02:21Sticky had been out for a duck
02:22and the gubber had snitched a parcel sausage end
02:24and gone goose-over-stump's frog-side.
02:27Meaning?
02:29I don't know, sir, but I read in the Times that they'd both been killed.
02:33And Bumfluff himself?
02:34Copped a packet at Gallipoli with the Aussies.
02:36So did Drippy and Strangely Brown.
02:40I remember we heard on the first morning of the Somme
02:43when Titch and Mr. Floppy got gassed back to Blighty.
02:46Which leaves?
02:47Gosh, yes, I...
02:48I suppose I'm the only one of the Trinity Tiddlers still alive.
02:53Blummy, there's a thought, and not a jolly one.
02:55My point exactly, George.
02:56A chap might get a bit miz.
02:58If it wasn't for the thought of going over the top tomorrow.
03:00Right, sir, permission to get weaving.
03:02Permission granted.
03:02Thank you, sir.
03:03Blurick?
03:04Captain B!
03:05This is a crisis.
03:06A large crisis.
03:07In fact, if you've got a moment,
03:09it's a 12-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall
03:12counting throughout, 24-hour portrait,
03:14and an enormous sign on the roof saying,
03:16this is a large crisis.
03:18A large crisis requires a large plan.
03:21Get me two pencils and a pair of underpants.
03:25Right, Blurick, this is an old trick I picked up in the Sudan.
03:29We tell HQ that I've gone insane,
03:31and I will be invalided back to Blighty before you can say,
03:34Wubble.
03:35A poor gormless idiot.
03:37Well, I'm a poor gormless idiot, sir,
03:39and I've never been invalided back to Blighty.
03:42Yes, Blurick, but you never said, Wubble.
03:45Now ask me some simple questions.
03:47Right.
03:47What is your name?
03:49Wubble.
03:51What is two plus two?
03:52Oh, Wubble, Wubble.
03:54Where do you live?
03:56London.
03:56A small village on Mars just outside the capital city.
04:00Wubble.
04:01All the men present and correct, sir?
04:03Ready for the off, eh?
04:04I'm afraid not, Lieutenant.
04:05I'm just off to Hartlepool to buy some exploding trousers.
04:09Come again, sir?
04:10Have you gone barking mad?
04:12Yes, George, I have.
04:13Cluck, cluck, jibber, jibber,
04:14my old man's a mushroom, et cetera.
04:17Go send a runner to tell General Melchett
04:18that your captain has gone insane
04:20and must return to England at once.
04:22Sir, how utterly ghastly for you.
04:24I mean, well, he'll miss the whole rest of the war.
04:26Yes, very bad luck.
04:27Beep.
04:28Right.
04:29Beep.
04:30Now, Blurick, I'll be back as soon as I can.
04:32Papa.
04:34Whatever you do, don't excite him.
04:39Fat chance.
04:41Now, all we have to do is wait.
04:42Blurick, fix us some coffee, will you?
04:44And try to make it taste slightly less like mud this time.
04:47Not easy, I'm afraid, Captain.
04:49Why is this?
04:49Because it is mud.
04:51We ran out of coffee 13 months ago.
04:53So every time I've drunk your coffee since,
04:55I have in fact been drinking hot mud.
04:58With sugar.
05:00Which, of course, makes all the difference.
05:02Well, it would do if we had any sugar,
05:04but unfortunately we ran out New Year's Eve 1915.
05:08Since when?
05:09I've been using sugar substitute.
05:11Which is?
05:12Pandra.
05:16Brilliant.
05:17Still, I could add some milk this time.
05:20Well, saliva.
05:21No.
05:23No, thank you, Blurick.
05:24Call me Mr. Picky, but I think I'll cancel it, okay?
05:27That's probably because you're mad, sir.
05:30Well, quite.
05:32Well, I didn't go down at all well, I'm afraid, sir.
05:35Captain Darling said they'd be along directly, but, well,
05:37you'd better be pretty damn doolally.
05:39Don't worry, George, I am, okay, okay.
05:42When they get here, I'll show them what totally and utterly
05:44boncaroonie means.
05:45Well, then, we've got bugger all to do except certain weight.
05:49Well, I don't know, sir, we could, uh,
05:51we could have a jolly game of charades.
05:52Oh, yes.
05:53And a sing-along of musical hits like
05:56Birmingham Bertie and, uh,
05:57whoops, Mrs. McGinsey all setting on my artichokes.
06:00Yes, I think bugger all might be rather more fun.
06:05Permission to ask a question, sir?
06:07Permission granted, Baldrick,
06:08as long as it isn't the one about where babies come from.
06:12Now, the thing is, the way I see it,
06:14these days there's a war on, right?
06:17And ages ago there wasn't a war on, right?
06:19So, there must have been a moment
06:21when there not being a war on went away, right?
06:24And there being a war on came along.
06:27So, what I want to know is
06:30how did we get from the one case of affairs
06:33to the other case of affairs?
06:36Do you mean, how did the war start?
06:40Yeah.
06:41The war started because of the vile Hun
06:43and his villainous empire building.
06:46George, the British Empire
06:47at present covers a quarter of the globe,
06:49while the German Empire
06:50consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika.
06:53I hardly think that we can be entirely absolved from blame
06:56on the imperialistic front.
06:57Oh, no.
06:58No, sir.
06:59Absolutely not.
07:00Man, it was a bicycle.
07:02I heard that it started when
07:04a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich
07:07because he was hungry.
07:10I think you mean it started when
07:11the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.
07:14No, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.
07:18Well, possibly.
07:19But the real reason for the whole thing
07:21was that it was just too much effort
07:23not to have a war.
07:24By gum, this is interesting.
07:25I always loved history.
07:26The Battle of Hastings,
07:28Henry VIII and his six knives, all that.
07:31You see, Baldrick,
07:32in order to prevent war in Europe,
07:33two super-blocks developed.
07:35Us, the French, and the Russians on one side,
07:37and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other.
07:39The idea was to have two vast opposing armies,
07:42each acting as the other's deterrent.
07:44That way there could never be a war.
07:46But this is a sort of a war, isn't it, sir?
07:50Yes, that's right.
07:50You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.
07:53What was that, sir?
07:54It was bollocks.
07:59So the poor old ostrich died for nothing.
08:03Right, they're here.
08:06Baldrick, you keep him warm.
08:07I'll go and prepare the ground.
08:11Sir, George!
08:12How's the patient?
08:13Well, it's touch and go, I'm afraid, sir.
08:14I really can't vouch for his behaviour.
08:16He's gone mad, you see.
08:17Stir-fry crazy.
08:19I see.
08:19Is this genuinely mad?
08:21Oh, yes, sir.
08:22Oh, has he simply put his underpants on his head
08:24and stuffed a cupboard of pencils on his head?
08:27That's what they all used to do in the Sudan.
08:30I remember I once had to shoot a whole platoon for trying that.
08:33Well, let's have a look at him.
08:37And the other thing they used to do in the Sudan
08:39was to get dressed up like this and pretend to be mad.
08:42But don't let me catch you trying that one, Baldrick,
08:44or I'll have you shot, all right?
08:46Dismiss.
08:47Oh, hello, sir.
08:48Didn't hear you come in.
08:49Oh, now, Blackadder.
08:50They tell me you've gone mad.
08:52No, sir.
08:53No, no.
08:54Must be a breakdown of communication.
08:56Someone obviously heard I was mad with excitement, waiting for the off.
08:59There you are.
08:59You see, darling, I told you there'd be a perfectly rational explanation.
09:03Right, George, have your chaps fall in.
09:04Very good, sir.
09:05Well, it's rather odd, sir.
09:06The message was very clear.
09:08Captain Blackadder gone totally tonto.
09:09Bring straight jacket for immediate return to blight.
09:11Don't be ridiculous, darling.
09:14The hero of Mboto Gorge, mad?
09:17We've only got to look at him because he's as sane as I am.
09:20Baaah!
09:22Would that be the Mboto Gorge where we massacred the peace-loving pygmies of the Upper Volta
09:25and stole all their fruit?
09:28No.
09:29A totally different Mboto Gorge.
09:31Oh.
09:33Cup of coffee, darling.
09:36Oh.
09:38Aldrich, do the honours.
09:39Sir.
09:40Sugar, sir.
09:41Three lumps.
09:43Think you can manage three lumps, Aldrich?
09:46I'll rummage round and see what I can find, sir.
09:50Making a milky one.
09:52Coming up, sir.
09:54Well, George, you must have been delighted to hear the news of the big push.
09:58Absolutely, sir.
09:58Our chance to show the hum that it takes more than a pointy hat and bad breath to repeat the
10:02honours of Jim George.
10:03That's the spirit.
10:09Here you are, sir.
10:11Ah.
10:12Cappuccino.
10:18Have you got any of that brown stuff you sprinkle on the top?
10:21Well, I'm sure I could...
10:23No.
10:23No.
10:24Shut up.
10:29Fine body of men you've got out there.
10:32Yes, sir.
10:32Shorty to become fine bodies of men.
10:35Oh, nonsense you'll pull through.
10:38I remember when we played the old Horovians back in 96.
10:41They said we'd never break through to their back line, but we ducked and we bobbed and we wove and
10:45we damn well won the game 15-4.
10:48Yes, sir, but the Harrow fullback wasn't armed with a heavy machine gun.
10:51No?
10:51That's a good point.
10:52Make a note, darling.
10:53Sir.
10:54Recommendation for the Harrow governors.
10:56Heavy machine guns for fullbacks.
10:58Nice idea, bear getter.
11:00Now then, soldier.
11:01You looking forward to giving those Frenchies a damn good licking?
11:04Uh, no, sir.
11:05It's the Germans we should be licking, sir.
11:07Don't be revolting, darling.
11:10I wouldn't lick a German if he was glazed in honey.
11:15Now then, soldier.
11:16Do you love your country?
11:18Certainly do, sir.
11:19Do you love your king?
11:20Certainly don't, sir.
11:22And why not?
11:22My mother told me never to trust men with beards, sir.
11:27Excellent native cockney wit.
11:30Well, best of luck to you all.
11:32Sorry I can't be with you, but obviously there's no place at the front for an old general with a
11:36dicky heart and a wooden bladder.
11:38By the way, John, if you want to accompany me back to HQ and watch the results as they come
11:43in, I think I can guarantee a place in the car.
11:45Oh, no, thank you, sir.
11:46I wouldn't miss this show for anything.
11:48I'm as excited as a very excited person who's got a special reason to be excited, sir.
11:52Excellent.
11:53Well, chuff-chuff then.
11:54See you all in Berlin for coffee and cakes.
12:01What is the matter with you today, darling?
12:04I'm so sorry, Blackadder.
12:06Come on, darling.
12:07We're leaving.
12:09I'm glad you're not barking anymore.
12:11Well, thank you, George.
12:12Although quite clearly you are.
12:14You were off the way out and you didn't take it.
12:16Oh, absolutely not, sir.
12:17Now I can't wait to get stuck into the Bosch.
12:19You won't have time to get stuck into the Bosch.
12:21We'll all be cut to pieces by machine gun fire before we can say charge.
12:27Right, sir.
12:28What do we do now?
12:28Shall I do my war poem?
12:30How hurt would you be if I gave the honest answer?
12:32Which is, no, I'd rather French kiss a skunk.
12:37So would I, sir.
12:42All right.
12:43Fire away, Bobby.
12:45Hear the words I sing.
12:47War's a horrid thing.
12:50So I sing, sing, sing.
12:54Ding-a-ling-a-ling.
12:56Oh!
12:57Bravo!
12:58Yes!
12:59Yes!
13:00Well, it started badly and it tailed off a little in the middle and the less said about
13:05the end the better.
13:05But apart from that, excellent.
13:08Oh, shall I do another one then, sir?
13:09No, we wouldn't want to exhaust you.
13:10No, don't worry.
13:11I could go on all night.
13:12Not with a bayonet through your neck, you couldn't.
13:15This one is called The German Guns.
13:18Oh, sniffing.
13:19Yes, let's hear that.
13:21Boom, boom, boom, boom.
13:25Boom, boom, boom.
13:29Boom, boom.
13:31Boom, boom, boom.
13:32Boom, boom, boom?
13:34How did you guess, sir?
13:36I was going to say, sir, that is spooky.
13:38I'm sorry, I think I've got to get out of here.
13:40Look, I have a cunning plan, sir.
13:43All right, Boric, for old time's sake.
13:45Well, you phone Field Marshal Haig, sir, and you ask him to get you out of here.
13:51Boric, even by your standards, it's pathetic.
13:54I've only ever met Field Marshal Haig once, it was 20 years ago.
13:57And my God, you've got it, you've got it!
14:01Well, if I've got it, you've got it too, nurse.
14:05I can't believe I've been so stupid.
14:07One phone call will do it.
14:09One phone call and I'll be free.
14:11Let's see, it's 3.30 a.m.
14:12I'll call about quarter to six.
14:15Excellent, excellent.
14:16Well, I'll get packing.
14:18You know, I won't half miss you chaps after the war.
14:21Don't worry, Lieutenant, I'll come visit you.
14:23Oh, really?
14:24Oh, bravo, yes.
14:25Jump into the old jalopy and come down and stay in the country.
14:28We can relive the old times.
14:29What?
14:29Dig a hole in the garden, fill it with water,
14:32and get your gamekeeper to shoot at us all day.
14:35You know, that's the thing I don't really understand about you, Captain.
14:38You know, I mean, you're a professional soldier,
14:39and yet sometimes you sound as if you very well haven't enjoyed soldiering at all.
14:43Well, you see, George, I did like it back in the old days
14:45when the prerequisite of a British campaign
14:47was that the enemy should under no circumstances carry guns.
14:51Even Spears made us think twice.
14:54The kind of people we liked to fight were two feet tall and armed with dry grass.
14:58Oh, now, come off it, sir.
15:00What about Mvoto Gorge, for heaven's sake?
15:02Yes, that was a bit of a nasty one.
15:03Ten thousand Watusi warriors,
15:05armed to the teeth with kiwi fruit and guava hearts.
15:10After the battle, instead of taking prisoners,
15:11we simply made a huge fruit salad.
15:15Now, when I joined up, I never imagined anything as awful as this war.
15:18I'd had 15 years of military experience,
15:21perfecting the art of ordering a pink gin
15:23and saying,
15:24do you do it doggy-doggy in Swahili?
15:28And then, suddenly,
15:29four and a half million heavily armed Germans opened to view.
15:32It was a shock, I can tell you.
15:34I thought it was going to be such fun, too.
15:36We all did.
15:37Joining the local regiment and everything.
15:40Turnip Street Workhouse Pals.
15:42It was great, I'll never forget it.
15:44It was the first time I ever felt really popular.
15:46Everyone was cheering, throwing flowers.
15:49Some girl even come up and kiss me.
15:51Poor woman, first casualty of the war.
15:54I loved the training.
15:55All we had to do was bayonet sacks full of straw.
15:58Even I couldn't do that.
15:59I remember saying to my mum,
16:01these sacks will be easy to outwit in a battle situation.
16:05And then, shortly after, we all met up, didn't we?
16:08Just before Christmas 1914.
16:10Yes, that's right.
16:11I'd just arrived and we had that wonderful Christmas truce.
16:15Do you remember, sir?
16:15We could hear Silent Night drifting across the still, clear air of no man's land.
16:20And then they came, the Germans emerging out of the freezing night mist, calling to us.
16:24And we clambered up over the top and went to meet them.
16:27Both sides advanced more during one Christmas piss-up than they managed in the next two and a half years
16:32of war.
16:33Do you remember the football match?
16:35Remember it?
16:36How could I forget it?
16:36I was never offside.
16:38I could not believe that this happened.
16:41And since then, we've been stuck here for three flipping years.
16:45We haven't moved.
16:47All my friends are dead.
16:49My pet spider, Sammy.
16:51Katie the worm.
16:53Bertie the bird.
16:55Everyone except Neville the fat hamster.
16:58I'm afraid Neville bought it too, Borey.
17:01I'm sorry.
17:03Neville gone, sir.
17:04Actually, not quite gone.
17:05He's in the corner banging up the sink.
17:08Oh, no.
17:10It didn't have to happen, sir.
17:12If it wasn't for this terrible war, Neville would still be here today, sniffling his little nose and going eek.
17:19On the other hand, if he hadn't died, I wouldn't have been able to insert a curtain rod in his
17:23bottom and use him as a dish mop.
17:25What can't we just stop, sir?
17:27What can't we just say, no more killing, let's all go home?
17:31Why would it be stupid just to pack it in, sir?
17:34Why?
17:34Now, look here.
17:35You just stop that conchie talk right now, Private.
17:39It's absurd, it's Bolshevism, and it wouldn't work anyway.
17:42Why not, sir?
17:43Why not?
17:44What?
17:45What do you mean?
17:46Why wouldn't it work?
17:47It wouldn't work, right?
17:48It wouldn't work because they're...
17:50Now, you just get on with polishing those boots, all right?
17:52A little bit less of that lip.
17:56I think I managed to crush the mutiny there, sir.
17:59Or as I think so, in just a few hours we'll be off.
18:02Of course, not that I won't miss all this, sir, but...
18:04I mean, we've had some good times, we've had some damnably good laughs, eh?
18:08Yes, can't think of any specific ones.
18:14Darling!
18:15Sir!
18:16No, no, sit, sit, sit, sit.
18:18Can't sleep either, eh?
18:19Ah, no, sir.
18:21Thinking about the push, sir.
18:24Hoping the boss will forget to set their alarm clocks oversleep
18:26and still be in their pyjamas when our boys turn up, sir.
18:29Yes, yes.
18:32I've been thinking too, darling.
18:34Sir?
18:34You know, over these last few years,
18:37I've come to think of you as a sort of son.
18:39Not a favourite son, of course.
18:42Lord, no.
18:42More a sort of illegitimate backstairs sort of sprog, you know.
18:46A sort of spotty squid that nobody really likes.
18:50But nonetheless, still fruit of my overactive loins.
18:53Thank you, sir.
18:55And I want to do what's best for you, darling.
18:57So I've given it a great deal of thought.
18:59And I want you to have this.
19:03A postal order for ten shillings.
19:05Oh, no, sorry.
19:07That's my godson's wedding present.
19:08Ah.
19:09Here.
19:11Ah, no, sir.
19:13This is the commission for the front lines.
19:14Yes.
19:16I've been awfully selfish, darling.
19:18Keeping you back here instead of letting you join in the fun game.
19:22This will let you get to the front line immediately.
19:26But...
19:27But, sir, I don't want to...
19:29To leave me?
19:30Ha, ha, ha.
19:31I appreciate that, darling.
19:32But, dammit, I'll just have to enter Berlin without someone to carry my feathery hat.
19:36No, sir.
19:37I don't want to go into battle.
19:39Without me.
19:40I know.
19:41But I'm too old, darling.
19:43I'm just going to have to sit this one out on the touch line with the half-time oranges and
19:46the fat wheezy boys with a note from Matron.
19:49While you young bloods link arms and go together for the glorious final scrum-down.
19:53No, sir.
19:55You're...
19:56You're not listening, sir.
19:58I'm begging you.
19:59Please.
20:00For the sake of all the times I've helped you with your dicky bows and your dicky bladder.
20:05Please.
20:06Don't make me...
20:07Make you go through the farewell de-bagging ceremony in the mess.
20:11Ha, ha.
20:12No, I've spared you that, too, you touchingly sentimental young booby.
20:16Look, no fuss, no bother.
20:18The driver is already here.
20:22But...
20:22No, no, not a word, Kevin.
20:25I know what you want to say.
20:26I know.
20:28Goodbye, Kevin, darling.
20:32Goodbye, sir.
20:35It's not raining at last, sir, begging your pardon.
20:37Looks like we might have a nice day for it.
20:39Yes, it's nearly morning.
20:41Good Lord.
20:41So it is.
20:42Right.
20:42Time to make my call.
20:48Hello?
20:49Phil Marshall, Sir Douglas Haig, please.
20:51Yes, it's urgent.
20:53Haig?
20:54Hello, Sir Douglas.
20:55Who is this?
20:56Captain Blackadder, sir.
20:57First while of the 1945 East African Rifles.
21:00Good Lord!
21:01Blacky!
21:02Yes, sir.
21:03Haven't seen you since...
21:04Ninety-two, sir.
21:05From Boto Gorge.
21:07By Jingo, yes.
21:08We sure gave those pygmies a good squashing.
21:10We...
21:11We certainly did, sir.
21:12And you remember...
21:13Oh, my God, yes.
21:15You saved my damn life that day, Blacky.
21:17If it weren't for you, that pygmy woman with the sharpened mango could have seriously...
21:21And you remember then that you said that if I was ever in real trouble, if I ever really
21:25needed a favour, then I was to call you and you'd do everything you could to help me?
21:28Yes, yes, I do.
21:30Uh, stick by.
21:31You know me, not a man to change my mind.
21:34No, we've noticed that.
21:35So, what do you want?
21:37Spit it out, man.
21:38Okay, see, sir.
21:38It's the big push today, and I'm not all that keen to go over the top.
21:43Oh, I see.
21:46Well...
21:46It was a viciously sharp slice of mango, wasn't it, sir?
21:51Well, this is most irregular, but, um...
21:54All right, if I do fix it for you, I never want to hear from you again. Is that clear?
21:59Suits me, Dougie.
22:02Very well. Listen carefully, blackadder.
22:04I won't repeat this.
22:06Put your underpants on your head and stick two pencils up your nose.
22:09They'll think you're crazy and send you home.
22:11Right, favour returned.
22:15I think the phrase rhymes with clucking bell.
22:23Something will be going over the top now, sir.
22:28Phil Marshall.
22:30Well, not quite, blackadder. At least not yet.
22:34No, I just wanted to let you know that I've sent a little surprise over for you.
22:38Sir.
22:42Captain Darling.
22:44Captain Blackadder.
22:45Here to join us for the last waltz?
22:48Um, yes.
22:50Tired of...
22:51folding the general's pyjamas.
22:53Well, this is splendid comradely news.
22:56Together we'll fight for king and country and be sucking sausages in Berlin by tea time.
23:01Yes, I hope their cafes are well stocked.
23:03Everyone seems determined to eat out the moment they arrive.
23:07No, really, this is brave, splendid and noble.
23:11Sir?
23:12Yes, Lieutenant?
23:14I'm scared, sir.
23:16I'm scared too, sir.
23:18I mean, I'm the last of the tiddly-winking leapfroggers from the golden summer of 1914.
23:23I don't want to die.
23:25Really, not over-keen on dying at all, sir.
23:28How are you feeling, darling?
23:32Um, not all that good, Blackadder.
23:36Rather hoped I'd get through the whole show.
23:38Go back to work at Pratt & Sons.
23:41Keep wicked for the Croydon gentleman.
23:44Married Doris.
23:46Made a note in my diary on the way here.
23:49Simply says...
23:50Bugger.
23:52Well, that's right.
23:54Come on, let's move.
23:56Thanks.
23:56May it in.
24:00Don't get your stick, Lieutenant.
24:02Rather, sir.
24:03I wouldn't want to face a machine gun without this.
24:13Listen.
24:14Our guns have stopped.
24:16You don't think...
24:17Maybe the war's over.
24:19Maybe it's peace.
24:21Oh, hurrah!
24:22The big knobs have got round the table and yanked the iron out of the fire!
24:25Thank God!
24:26We lived through it.
24:28The Great War, 1914 to 1970.
24:32Hip, hip!
24:32Hooray!
24:33I'm afraid not.
24:35The guns have stopped because we're about to attack.
24:39Not even our generals are mad enough to show their own men.
24:41They think it's far more sporting to let the Germans do it.
24:44We are, in fact, going over.
24:46This is, as they say, it.
24:48I'm afraid so.
24:49Unless I can think of something very quickly.
24:53Company!
24:54One!
24:54Place!
24:55Forward!
24:57Oh, there's a nasty splinter on that ladder, sir.
25:00A bloke could hurt himself on that.
25:01Stand ready!
25:04I have a plan, sir.
25:06Really, Bullrick?
25:07A cunning and subtle one?
25:09Yes, sir.
25:10As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?
25:14Yes, sir.
25:14On the signal!
25:16Company will advance!
25:18Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait.
25:20Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be
25:23mad.
25:24I mean, who would have noticed another madman around here?
25:29Good luck, everyone.
25:30D.
25:32Doug!
25:36No!
25:39No!
25:47No!
25:52No!
25:52No, no!