- 2 days ago
TV, Movie, 3rd Rock from The Sun S02E02
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Invisible box, my evil replacement continued his diabolical plot to rule the world.
00:04Not knowing his true identity, my beloved Mary made a date with the scoundrel.
00:08But just as I thought my plight was lost forever,
00:11my entrapment was cleverly discovered by my stellar crew.
00:17Who are you guys?
00:19There's an invisible box.
00:22Oh, wow, that's smart.
00:25Yeah, you're gonna look hideous tomorrow.
00:27Don't you think?
00:27Oh, yeah, yeah, there's this girl I knew, she hit her nose, Dustin Hoffman.
00:30Believe it, Mr. Randall's coming over here.
00:32Hello, I'm trapped in a box here.
00:35Okay.
00:36Well, let's see.
00:38Anybody know how to open one of these things?
00:39Hmm.
00:40Well, we know we can't smash it open with our heads.
00:44Tommy, go get a hammer.
00:45Right, nobody's getting a hammer.
00:46Get a hammer, that's an order.
00:48I'm sorry, sir, but you can't give us orders.
00:51Oh, the end stick.
00:53You are no longer the high commander.
00:56Oh, I'm sorry, but if we let you out of that box, well, that's, that's mutiny.
01:01Oh, mutiny, schmutiny.
01:03Big fat dootiny.
01:06No, I'm sick of the new dick.
01:08This dick, he's one of us.
01:10You know, I mean, so maybe he's not perfect.
01:13Maybe his leadership skills verge on the pathetic,
01:15and maybe his incompetence has made our mission the laughingstock of the entire galaxy.
01:18I think you've made your point.
01:20No, I haven't made my point.
01:21The point is that he's always been there for the three of us,
01:23and it's time the three of us take a stand for him.
01:25Oh, oh, sure.
01:26Sure.
01:27That's easy for you to say.
01:28You don't have the responsibility I do.
01:30If we let him out of that box and the big giant head gets wind of it,
01:33who do you think is going to take the fall, huh?
01:35The information officer?
01:36The transmitter?
01:38I don't think so.
01:39It's going to be me, the woman.
01:40Typical.
01:41Sally!
01:47Can you think of all we've been through together?
01:50When Brad dumped you, who ordered you to drink yourself silly
01:55until you'd completely drown your feelings for him?
01:58You did.
02:00And when I ran over your foot in the car,
02:04who drove you to the hospital the very next day?
02:09You did.
02:11And when you were hungry that day in the park,
02:14who stole that little girl's ice cream cone for you?
02:18Tommy did that.
02:19Well, it was my idea.
02:20It was.
02:20Drew.
02:21Sir, you're right.
02:22I can't let you rot in this box.
02:25I've got to get you out of here.
02:26Come on, guys.
02:27Blood is thicker than water.
02:28It is?
02:28I think.
02:29Well, it's not as thick as peanut butter.
02:30Yeah, but it's pretty thick.
02:31It's a junkie peanut butter.
02:33Get me out of here!
02:43I think.
02:44It's a nice Jane Austen.
02:44I'm good.
03:03You're right.
03:06You're right.
03:06I'm good.
03:07Oh, you're right.
03:11The lighting is romantic
03:15The champagne chilled
03:17And now, for some erotic literature
03:26Make sure the 2x4 studs are cleated to the floor plate
03:29Before applying the wallboard
03:34Perfect
03:37Come on up
03:41Oh, I like what you've done with the place
03:45Just wait until you see the bedroom
03:52Tonight is about pleasure
03:55A journey into the taboo
04:00I will let nothing destroy the mood
04:05Don't thank us
04:10Nothing
04:18Living for
04:23It's easy living
04:27It's easy to live
04:31When you're in love
04:35Time's over
04:47Oh, I've seen these
04:51Get up
04:55Ah, clap off
04:56You're free
05:00I'm free
05:02I'm free
05:03I'm free
05:05Freedom
05:06Freedom
05:12But there's so much I've missed
05:14Fresh air
05:16The smell of bacon frying
05:17Watching talk shows with Harry
05:20I didn't miss Jerry Springer's biker chick makeover, did I?
05:25Oh, it's Tuesday
05:26Oh, damn
05:29Telly
05:29Why are you wearing that skirt?
05:31It makes you look so frumpy
05:33I knew it
05:34That dick upstairs said this look worked for me
05:39No, I hate him
05:40Yeah, he crashed the rambler
05:41Changed my name to Tommy
05:43Well, where does that leave you?
05:45He calls me Tommy, too
05:46Is that Tommy in the number?
05:47Oh, I don't know
05:48He has a major head case
05:50I've heard enough
05:51No one dictates humiliating and irrational edicts to my family
05:55That's my job
05:56Now, come on
05:59Come on
06:01And nobody better have touched my strawberries
06:11When you're in love
06:14And I'm so
06:18There's nothing in life
06:21There's nothing in life
06:39There's nothing in life
07:14Hey, Mary!
07:17What's she doing with him?
07:19Looks like he's plugging her pie hole.
07:24I think she likes it, Dick.
07:28Dick?
07:29Dick?
07:36Dick?
07:37Come on, Dick.
07:38Oh, what does she see in him?
07:40I mean, sure, he's gorgeous, but it's all part of his depraved scheme.
07:44How dare he? How dare she?
07:46Did what we have mean nothing to her?
07:48Wait.
07:49She thinks he's me.
07:50But he's going to get her.
07:52Because he's deceiving her.
07:54And she'll be his forever.
07:55In a way, mine.
07:56But she likes it.
07:58I gotta...
07:59Dick, hey, snap out of it!
08:03You have to take action here.
08:05You're right.
08:05I've got it.
08:06We're moving to Florida.
08:07What?
08:08It's warm all the time, the land is cheap, and the fishing bass is as big as your arm.
08:13We're not going anywhere.
08:14Now, you listen to me.
08:15This afternoon, when I was with Albright arranging this date, she told me...
08:18You arranged this date?
08:19Yeah, but the point is...
08:20You set this up?
08:21What are you, Mrs. Pimp?
08:24No, but if you'd let me finish, I'll explain...
08:25I can't believe that you, of all people...
08:27Dick!
08:27Get a grip and listen to her for a second.
08:29The point is, Dick, is that I tried to talk her out of this date, but she wouldn't listen
08:32to me.
08:33Because...
08:34And don't ask me why.
08:35She has some sort of emotional attachment to you.
08:38She said that?
08:39She cares about you so much, she's upstairs about to have sex with another man.
08:47She would do that for me?
08:49You don't stop her.
08:50You're right.
08:51That tyrant has gone too far.
08:53I must defeat that man!
08:55All right!
08:59I should have done that earlier.
09:09Okay, here's the plan.
09:11Tommy, Harry, you stay here.
09:12Sally, you watch my back while I make a run for the bathroom.
09:15Okay, well then what?
09:15I use the bathroom.
09:18I've been stuck in a box for two days!
09:30Hold on.
09:31Enough.
09:32I think my tongue has a charley horse.
09:35Well, saddle up.
09:37We're going for another ride.
09:39Oh!
09:40Oh!
09:40What is going on?
09:42What?
09:42Last time you were so fast.
09:44Why don't we just get to it?
09:47It?
09:50What?
09:51You know...
09:53It!
09:54Oh!
09:55It!
09:58You'll get it.
09:59All right.
10:01You'll get it.
10:02You'll get all of it that you want.
10:06It is on its way.
10:12Come on, Dick.
10:13He's taking forever.
10:15Who's taking forever?
10:18Toilet duck.
10:24He's tackling our stubborn build-up.
10:28Lieutenant, you're the woman.
10:29I need to know about it.
10:30It what?
10:31You know, it.
10:32Oh, it!
10:33Um, uh, let's get some privacy.
10:36Okay.
10:37Well, um...
10:41Uh...
10:41It's, uh...
10:43It's...
10:44It's kind of involved.
10:47Um...
10:48Yeah?
10:49Yeah.
10:51Really?
10:52No.
10:55And women like that?
10:57They love it.
10:59Don't you think all this time I was just walking around on them?
11:06Oh, Mary!
11:07Dick!
11:08Mary!
11:08Mary!
11:09Mary!
11:09Mary!
11:10Mary!
11:10Oh, that's my life.
11:11Oh, I want you so bad.
11:13You've got to escape.
11:14You want me to try and get away?
11:15You must!
11:16Oh, let me go!
11:17Let me go!
11:19How's that?
11:22Get out!
11:23What?
11:23If you clear the hedge, you'll be fine.
11:25What is wrong with you?
11:27Everything.
11:28Oh, Mary, you know I'll never leave you.
11:30Oh, Dick.
11:30Oh, I've gotta go now.
11:31You remember, Tommy.
11:33Uh, tell her about the swim tea.
11:34Swim tea?
11:35What is...
11:38Well, well, well, if it isn't the former High Commander, it seems that I've underestimated
11:44your...
11:45stupidity.
11:46That was your first mistake.
11:50Here's your second.
11:51Look over there!
11:52Where?
11:53Whoa!
11:55What's going on?
11:56Dick is acting so strangely.
11:58See, listen.
11:59That's not a right dick.
12:00He's got a lot of baggage.
12:01Oh!
12:02It's an internal struggle.
12:03Ah!
12:03Ah!
12:05Ah!
12:06Ah!
12:11Ah!
12:11Ah!
12:11Stop pulling my hair!
12:13I'll pull it if I want!
12:15Oh, that poor thing!
12:17I didn't know!
12:18Well, you couldn't know.
12:19Because he's been afraid.
12:20See, he's been lonely for such a long time.
12:26And as the years went by, he fell into despair and lost all hope for what woman could ever
12:33learn to love a beast.
12:41Uh, you know what?
12:42Give me a second, okay?
12:46Why aren't you helping him?
12:48Which one?
12:51When I pull him up, bring him with a gnome!
12:53Gotcha!
13:03I got him, Dick!
13:04I know!
13:05Now, help me get him into the chair!
13:11Here!
13:12Tie him up good!
13:14Tie him down tight!
13:15Okay, well, which one is it?
13:16Tie him up or tie him down?
13:19Both, Harry!
13:20Hurry!
13:21We've got to get him out of here before Mary sees him!
13:23What are we going to do with him?
13:24Oh!
13:24Let's take him downstairs to the Rambler and put him in the trunk, like they do on that
13:28show, Homicide!
13:31Homicide?
13:32Life on the street!
13:33Oh!
13:34Great idea!
13:35Tommy!
13:35Harry, run down to the Rambler and clean out the trunk!
13:38You get it?
13:38All right!
13:40We'll be right back!
13:42Sir!
13:46Don't be long!
13:49Tommy!
13:56Don't tire yourself out, Commander!
13:59I want you to witness the destruction my little device reeks on the world you love so
14:03well!
14:04What have you done to our toaster?
14:09It's not a toaster, it's an incubator!
14:12When I press this button, millions of spores will be released into the atmosphere, spawning
14:17a whole new race!
14:19A race of groveling drones!
14:22They will think alike, and talk alike, and at times they'll even walk alike!
14:28And I will be father to them all!
14:32What will happen to Mary?
14:34Oh, don't worry!
14:35I'm not using this on her!
14:37I'm going to take care of her, personally!
14:40I'm going in there, and putting my feet in her purse!
14:45And again, and again, and again!
14:48You're insane!
14:50And not Gallagher insane, just insane!
14:53We cleaned out the Rambler, Dick!
14:55Oh!
14:56You were able to use the grey duct tape!
15:00No!
15:03Stay!
15:04Stay and witness my moment of glory!
15:07As I impregnate the entire population of Ohio with my demon progeny!
15:14Oh, wait, wait!
15:14What, even the men?
15:18Okay, not the men!
15:20Not the girls!
15:22No, no, not them!
15:23But what about all women?
15:25I don't think so!
15:27What about women who are already pregnant?
15:29Oh, shut up, all of you!
15:33Okay, so apparently I won't be impregnating the entire population of Ohio!
15:37They're all fertile women of child-bearing age who are not currently pregnant!
15:42And that's a lot!
15:43I'm talking lots of women here!
15:46Will soon find themselves now pregnant!
15:50By me!
15:52It's as easy as one...
15:58Two...
16:01Three...
16:02Yes!
16:04Yes, that will show him!
16:07Not that I care, but...
16:10Show who?
16:11Your father!
16:13That unfeeling purple tube who gave you life but wouldn't give you love!
16:17You know nothing of my father!
16:19So why don't you just shut up?
16:22Because you don't know him!
16:24You don't have to defend him!
16:25You can't change the past!
16:27You have to live in the now!
16:29This is the 90s, girlfriend!
16:33All I ever wanted was approval!
16:36Is it any wonder I wet my bed?
16:41I'm with you!
16:43Your father's got you all caught up in his emotional red tape and you need to cut yourself free!
16:49What would you say if I told you that your father was here tonight?
16:55Come on out!
16:56No!
17:01I'm just kidding, he's not really here!
17:05I think you need to go home and face him!
17:08Let the cycle of pain end here!
17:11You're so right!
17:13That's it!
17:14Let it out!
17:16Let it all out!
17:18Hey guys!
17:19Dennis! What are you doing here?
17:20Long story!
17:21I got a weird vibe from you guys yesterday!
17:23Is something wrong?
17:24Oh, you know, we really could have used you about an hour ago!
17:26What happened?
17:26I got a mob of all these people!
17:29I gotta find a better disguise!
17:31Why don't you try women's clothing?
17:32Tried it, doesn't work!
17:36Dennis!
17:37Could you do us a favor?
17:38Could you escort that guy back to the home world?
17:41Why not? I'm going that way anyway!
17:43I've got a present with a big giant head!
17:45What is it?
17:46Big giant nose ring!
17:49Thank you all!
17:51I feel that I've made a big breakthrough here!
17:54Well, remember, nobody's gonna respect you until you learn to respect yourself!
18:02Bedwetter!
18:04And Dennis, could you dispose of this while you're at it?
18:09You did it!
18:20You did it!
18:21Oh, no!
18:21No, not just me, Lieutenant!
18:23I had a little help from my friend!
18:25Oh, my God!
18:26Ricky Lake, Jerry Springer, and Sally Jess!
18:30Now, listen up, everyone!
18:31I know that in the past, I worried that we watched too much television!
18:35Well, all I can say is, God bless television!
18:40And the many ways in which television enriches our lives!
18:44From now on, I order you to watch more television than ever before!
18:50Aye, sir!
18:51Well, what are we waiting for?
18:52Tommy, call the hut and get a pizza!
18:54Yes, sir!
18:54Yeah, hurry! Warm up that television!
18:56You got it!
18:56And Sally, go get yourself a decent pair of pants!
19:01Oh!
19:03Thank you, sir!
19:16Dr. All right, the last time we were out here, you said something to me.
19:21You said you cared about me.
19:24Is that still true?
19:26Of course it's true.
19:27Because over the last couple of days, you've seen me at my worst!
19:30Well, that's what being together is about.
19:33If we're going to have a relationship, I want to have it with all of you.
19:37And that includes the dark side.
19:41You know, I care about you, too.
19:44You've made that very clear.
19:47So what do we do now?
19:49Well, it's been a long night.
19:51Why don't you just put your arm around me, and we'll look up at the stars.
19:56The stars?
19:58Yes.
19:58Yes.
19:59They look like lovers, locked in a celestial embrace.
20:04Why don't you just look at those trees?
20:08Trees?
20:09They look like lovers, their limbs exploring and fondling each other.
20:15How about we look at that couple in the window?
20:20Wow, they're going at it like trees.
20:23Oh, my gosh.
20:47I want to see these trees.
20:47LAUGHTER
20:51APPLAUSE
20:54Harry, is there something different about you?
20:58You've lost weight.
20:59Nope.
21:00Is that a new shirt?
21:01Nope.
21:02Oh, wait.
21:02Oh, you should.
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