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00:06In 1648, King Charles was in flight from the wrath of Cromwell and his roundheads.
00:11Only two men remained faithful, risking certain death by their fidelity to the crown.
00:15One was the sole descendant of a great historical English dynasty, his name Sir Edmund Blackadder.
00:20The other was the sole descendant of an unfortunate meeting between a pig farmer and a bearded lady.
00:25History has, quite frankly, forgotten his name.
00:31Oh, Rick!
00:32Yes, sir.
00:33Oh, get me some mulled ale, will you? I'm freezing.
00:36How's the king, sir?
00:37Um, how about as comfortable as can be expected for a man who's spending the winter in a black currant
00:42bush?
00:44Do you think the roundheads will find him?
00:46Certainly not. I've assured him that he is as likely to be caught as a fox being chased by a
00:51pack of one-legged hunting tortoises.
00:55Is that true?
00:56Yes, of course it's true. Have you ever known me to lie to the king?
00:59Yes.
01:01No.
01:04He's absolutely safe, as long as you keep your fat mouth shut.
01:08You can trust me, sir.
01:11Right, Balric, I'm off to answer the call of nature.
01:14If by any freak chance Oliver Cromwell drops in here for a cup of milk in the next 90 seconds,
01:20remember, the king is not hiding here.
01:23Yes, sir.
01:26Green sleeves is...
01:28Good evening, citizen.
01:31I am Oliver Cromwell.
01:33My men have surrounded your house, and I am looking for royalist scum.
01:38Is the king hiding here?
01:39No.
01:41Um...
01:50No.
01:53On pain of death and damnation, are you absolutely sure?
01:58Yes, I am.
02:00I see.
02:02Well then, my proud beauty, you won't mind if my men come in from the cold, will you?
02:10Men, come in from the cold, will you?
02:14Now, we shall all have a cup of milk by your fireside.
02:17All right, but don't touch the purple cup.
02:19Why not?
02:20That's the king's.
02:28Thank you, citizen.
02:29You may leave me alone with King Charles.
02:32Ah, Mr. Cromwell, how delightful to see you again.
02:35Do get up.
02:36Do get up.
02:36Tell me, um, have you come far?
02:38I have, sir.
02:40From country squire to lord protector of England.
02:43Fascinating.
02:44Absolutely fascinating.
02:46Um, tell me, uh, what exactly does a lord protector do?
02:50He spells your doom, sir.
02:52He spells my doom?
02:54Wonderful.
02:54Well, that's particularly exciting, because so many people these days can't spell at all.
02:58Uh, particularly, as you know, in the inner cities, which is my area of interest.
03:02I'm truly speak, sir, but all your fine words won't save you from the scaffold.
03:07Truly good.
03:07Fascinating.
03:08Carry on.
03:09A priest, sir, to help you make your peace with God before you die.
03:15Oh, hello.
03:17Your Majesty, I've arranged for certain monies to be paid to allow you to escape.
03:21Blackadder, you're dressed as a priest.
03:23How dangerous and stupid and perverted.
03:26It's just like school.
03:28Don't worry, sir.
03:28Sire, this is a matter of life and death.
03:31Nonsense, Blackadder.
03:32I don't think there's a jury in England that would bring in a verdict of guilty against me.
03:36Your Majesty, the verdict of the jury.
03:38So, what does it say?
03:41Guilty or not guilty?
03:42I'll give you two guesses.
03:45Not guilty.
03:46One more guess.
03:52Oh, damn.
03:55One measly civil war in the entire history of England, and I'm on the wrong bloody side.
04:02Is there something wrong, sir?
04:03Yes, Baldrick, yes, there is.
04:05Don't you realise if the king dies, we royalists are doomed?
04:08We will enter a hideous age of puritanism.
04:11They'll close all the theatres.
04:13Lace handkerchiefs for men will be illegal.
04:16And I won't be able to find a friendly face to sit on this side of Boulogne.
04:21If they so much as suspect our loyalties, our property will be forfeit, and we'll be for the chop.
04:26Oh, I love chops.
04:30Well, Rick, your brain is like the four-headed, man-eating, haddock fish beast of Aberdeen.
04:38In what way?
04:39It doesn't exist.
04:42Oh, God.
04:43What are we going to do?
04:44Don't despair, sir.
04:45Something will pop up.
04:46Not under puritanism, it won't.
04:49We must do something.
04:52We must do something, otherwise the black adders are as doomed as that ant.
04:56What ant?
04:59That one.
05:01So this is the day of execution of Charles the First?
05:06Absolutely not, your majesty.
05:08Those round-head traitors have one final hurdle that they will never straddle.
05:12How fascinating.
05:13What is that exactly?
05:15They will never find a man to behead you.
05:17They'd have hundreds of volunteers to cut Cromwell's head off.
05:19He's such an ugly devil.
05:21He's got so many warts on his face, it's only when he sneezes that you find out which one is
05:24his nose.
05:27But they will never find a man to execute you.
05:29Well, you see, I find that absolutely tragic.
05:32You know, there are so many young people who would leap at a chance like that.
05:36You know, all I need is initiative somehow.
05:40I suppose, in a sense, that's what my wood scheme is all about.
05:43Really?
05:44Yes.
05:44On the other hand, of course, I don't want my head cut off.
05:47It's a question of balance, isn't it?
05:49Like so many things.
05:49Shut up with the greatest respect, your majesty.
05:52They will never find an executioner.
05:54And if they do, may my conjugal dipstick turn into a tennis racket.
05:59A message for the king.
06:05Ah.
06:12There's a dragon in the tail.
06:14In the middle.
06:15For God's sake, stop that, Baldrick.
06:18It's bad enough having one's life in us to ruin it without being serenaded by a moron with all the
06:22entertainment value of a tap-dancing oyster.
06:26I'm sorry, sir.
06:27I can't help it.
06:28See, I've just had a little windfall.
06:30Baldrick, I've told you before, if you're going to do that, go into the garden.
06:35I mean, I've come into some money.
06:37Really?
06:38Family inheritance?
06:39No, I ate that ages ago.
06:42Yes, of course.
06:43Your thoughtful father bequeathed you a turnip.
06:46No, it was 50 pounds, actually.
06:48It was delicious.
06:49But this is just a little something that fell in my lap.
06:52Not the first time that there's been a little something in your lap, Baldrick.
06:55No, but this one is a job.
06:58Really?
06:59I just don't understand it.
07:00Where on earth did they find a man so utterly without heart and soul, so low and degraded, as to
07:06accept the job of beheading the King of England?
07:15Bordrick.
07:17That little job that fell into your lap.
07:20It wasn't by any chance something to do with an axe, a basket, a little black mask and the King
07:25of England.
07:26Nah.
07:27Go on.
07:28I couldn't find a basket.
07:29Look at you, very small, total bastard.
07:33Oh, please, sir, don't kill me.
07:35I have a cunning plan to save the King.
07:37Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy.
07:39Your family's record in the Department of Cunning Planning is about as impressive as Stumpy Oleg McNoleg's personal best in
07:47the Market Harbour Marathon.
07:50All right, what's the plan?
07:55A pumpkin is going to save the King.
07:58Ah.
07:59But over here, I have one that I prepared earlier.
08:05I will balance it on the King's head like this.
08:09Then I will cover his real head with a cloak.
08:12And then, when I execute him, instead of cutting off his real head, I will cut off the pumpkin and
08:18the King survives.
08:21I'm not sure it's going to work, Maldives.
08:24Why not?
08:25Because once you've cut it off, you have to hold it up in front of the crowd and say,
08:28This is the head of a traitor.
08:30At which point they will shout back, No, it's not.
08:32It's a large pumpkin with a pathetic moustache.
08:36I suppose it's not 100% convincing.
08:38It's not 1% convincing.
08:41However, I'm a busy man and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment.
08:45Here is my fist.
08:46Kindly run towards it as fast as you can.
08:52I just don't understand it.
08:54What possessed you to take the job?
08:56Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
08:57It was just a wild, silly, foolish plan.
09:00I thought, with the money I got from executing the King,
09:03I could sneak out and buy a brand new King where no one was looking and pop him back on
09:07the throne without anyone noticing.
09:09Your head is as empty as a eunuch's underpants.
09:14You'd do anything for 30 pieces of silver, wouldn't you?
09:17It was £1,000, actually, sir, plus tip.
09:22Well, I suppose somebody's got to do it, haven't they?
09:25And if it's going to be done, it's got to be done in a single stroke by someone who actually
09:28owns an axe.
09:29We don't want you hacking away at it all afternoon with that cheap penknife of yours.
09:33It'd be so embarrassing to have King Charles stagging around Hampton Court tomorrow morning
09:36with his neck flapping like a fish's heel on the side of the line.
09:40Sir, you don't mean...
09:41Yep, I'm doing it.
09:43Lend me your costume.
09:43Then go immediately to the King and inform him that Sir Edmund Blackadder cannot be with him tomorrow.
09:49And make sure you think up a bloody good excuse.
09:53So, that's why he can't be here.
09:55Sorry.
09:56I see.
09:57I quite understand.
09:58Yes.
10:01Sir, the moment has arrived.
10:03Are you ready to meet your maker?
10:05Well, I'm always absolutely fascinated to meet people from all walks of life.
10:09But, yes, particularly manufacturing industry.
10:12Well then, have a quick walk and talk with your executioner and let's get on with it.
10:17Right.
10:21Well, I'm sorry, my friend.
10:22I'm alone here today.
10:24I had hoped that my good, loyal chum, Sir Edmund Blackadder, would be here with me.
10:29But, unfortunately, his wife's sister's puppy fell into the strawberry patch.
10:35So, naturally, he can't be with us.
10:38Uh-huh.
10:39All I can do is bid you do your duty well.
10:42Well, thank you, Your Majesty.
10:45And may I say how much I mourn for your lot and bid you remember others before you who have
10:50died unjustly.
10:52Well, thank you, I take great solace from there.
10:53Sir Thomas More, for instance, a great generous man to the last.
10:56He apparently tipped his executioner handsomely.
11:00Oh, I'm so sorry.
11:01I thought service was included.
11:03I beg your pardon.
11:04Um, here you are.
11:06Hmm.
11:07And then there was the Earl of Essex.
11:09What is there?
11:10A truly great man.
11:11They still sing his famous ballad, Down the Chepstow Arms.
11:15What ballad is that?
11:17The Earl, he had a thousand sovereigns.
11:19Hey, nonny, no.
11:21Gave them all away to the man with the axe.
11:24Oh.
11:25A thousand sovereigns?
11:27Well, you can't take it with you, Your Majesty.
11:30Very true.
11:31There you are.
11:31Do keep the change.
11:33Thank you, Your Majesty.
11:34Right.
11:34Shall we go?
11:35Just a minute.
11:36That voice has a strangely familiar ring.
11:39And so does that finger.
11:42Becker.
11:44Hello, Your Majesty.
11:46You cunning swine.
11:49Yes, well, uh, uh...
11:50Marvellous, splendid.
11:52You've duped Comwell and you've concocted a cunning plan
11:56to help me and my infant son escape to France.
11:59Ah, yes, that's right.
12:00Yes.
12:01So, let's put your cunning plan into operation straight away.
12:05Yes, let's.
12:07Uh.
12:09Well, you start the ball rolling.
12:11No, no.
12:11After you.
12:12Right.
12:13Yes.
12:15Oh, yes.
12:16Yes, right.
12:17And it's a very good plan.
12:19It's a staggering,
12:20bowel-shatteringly good plan.
12:23Is the king ready?
12:25Yes.
12:26Come, Your Majesty.
12:28Oh.
12:43This is the head of a traitor.
12:46No, it's not.
12:47It's a huge pumpkin
12:49with a pathetic moustache drawn on it.
12:53Oh, yes.
12:54No, it is.
12:54Sorry.
12:55I'll try again.
13:04Well, sir,
13:05they can't say you didn't try.
13:07Now, the future of the British monarchy
13:09lies fast asleep in your arms
13:11in the person of this infant prince.
13:13And with the money you've earned,
13:15you and he can escape to France.
13:17Oh, quite.
13:18On the other hand,
13:19you can stay here
13:20and as a known loyalist,
13:22the roundheads will come
13:23and cut your head off.
13:24Exactly, Bullrich.
13:26Oh, my God.
13:28Oh, no.
13:29We're surrounded.
13:30What will we do?
13:31Well, at times like this, Bullrich,
13:32there is no choice
13:33for a man of honour.
13:34He must stand and fight and die
13:36in defence of his future sovereign.
13:40Fortunately,
13:40I'm not a man of honour.
13:42No.
13:46Thank God you've come.
13:48Seize the right of this scum.
13:50LAUGHTER
13:50LAUGHTER