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00:04You look smart, Mr. Blackadder, going somewhere nice.
00:07No, I'm off to the theatre.
00:10Don't you like it then?
00:11No, I don't.
00:12A load of stupid actors strutting around, shouting with their chests thrust out so far,
00:17you'd think their nipples were attached to a pair of charging elephants.
00:20And the worst thing about it is having to go with Prince Mini-brain.
00:24Well, doesn't he like it either?
00:26No, he loves it. The problem is he doesn't realise it's made up.
00:29Last year, when Brutus was about to kill Julius Caesar, the prince yelled out,
00:33Look behind you, Mr. Caesar.
00:36I can't see the point in the theatre. All that sex and violence.
00:40I'll get enough of that at home.
00:42That's not for the sex, of course.
00:44And while we're out, Maldrick, I want you to give this palace a good clean.
00:47It's so dirty, it'll be unacceptable to a dung beetle that had lost interest in his career and really let
00:52itself go.
00:54Come on, Blackadder. We'll miss the first act.
00:56Coming, sir. As fast as I can.
00:59Stick the kettle on, Maldrick.
01:02Now, sir, give I this advice to thee.
01:05Never, never, never trust thine enemy.
01:17Thy life is forfeit, sir.
01:23Thy life is forfeit, sir.
01:25And at an end, like our poor play, we hope it pleased you, friend.
01:32Certainly not, murdering rotter.
01:35Gods, arrest that man.
01:37Minus, it's only a play.
01:38Oh, well, that's all very well, but what about the poor fellow who's dead?
01:41Saying it's only a play will not feed and clothe the little ones he leaves behind.
01:44Call the militia.
01:45But, sir, he's not dead. See, he stands, awaiting your applause.
01:49Oh, I say, that's very clever.
01:52He's really dead. Oh, bravo! Bravo!
01:56Blast the prince-licest.
01:58Oh, shit. We'll close tonight.
02:01For the weeners!
02:03Smash the spinning jenny.
02:04Burn the rolling Rosalind.
02:06Destroy the going up and down a bit and then moving along Gertrude.
02:09And death to the stupid prince who grows fat on their profits.
02:13I say, how exciting.
02:14This play's getting better and better. Bravo!
02:18It's not a play anymore, sir.
02:22Put the bomb down and make your way quietly to the exit.
02:26Blackadder, you old thing.
02:28You old company's, you can't tell when something's real and when it's not.
02:33I must say, Blackadder, that was a close shave.
02:35Hey, why on earth would an anarchist possibly want to kill you?
02:43I think it might have been you he was after, sir.
02:45Oh, hogwash. What on earth makes you say that?
02:48Well, my suspicions were first aroused by his use of the words,
02:51Death to the stupid prince.
02:54It was a bit rude, wasn't it?
02:55These are volatile times, Your Highness.
02:58The American Revolution lost your father, the colonies.
03:00The French Revolution murdered brave King Louis.
03:03And there were tremendous rumblings in Prussia.
03:05Although that might be something to do with the sausages.
03:08The whole world cries out peace, freedom,
03:10and a few less fat bastards eating all the pie.
03:14Well, yes, quite.
03:15I mean, something must be done.
03:17Any ideas?
03:18Yes, sir.
03:18Next week, it is your royal father's birthday celebrations.
03:21I suggest that I write a brilliant speech for you to recite
03:25to show the oppressed masses how unusually sensitive you are.
03:30Now, tell me about these oppressed masses.
03:32What are they so worked up about?
03:33They're worked up, sir, because they're so poor,
03:35they are forced to have children
03:36simply to provide a cheap alternative to turkey at Christmas.
03:43Disease and deprivation stalk our land like two giant stalking things.
03:49And the working man is poised to overthrow us.
03:52Oh, my God, and here he is!
03:55Don't be silly, sir.
03:56That's Baldrick, my dog's body.
03:58What's silly about that?
03:58He looks like an oppressed mass to me.
04:00Get him out of here at once.
04:01Shoe, Baldrick.
04:02Carry on with your cleaning elsewhere.
04:03And by the end of tonight,
04:04I want that dining table so clean
04:06I could eat my dinner off it.
04:11I'm dicing with death here.
04:13The sooner I can show how unusually sensitive I am, the better.
04:18I've just had another brilliant thought.
04:20Another one, Your Highness?
04:21Yes, another one, actually.
04:23You remember that one I had about wearing underwear on the outside
04:26to save on laundry bills?
04:27Oh, this one.
04:28I'm thinking to myself,
04:29hello, why don't we ask those two actor chappies
04:31we saw tonight
04:31to teach me how to recite your speech.
04:33Brilliant, eh?
04:34No, Your Highness.
04:35Feeble.
04:37What?
04:37I would advise against it.
04:39It's a feeble idea.
04:40Well, tish and pish to your advice, Blackadder.
04:42Get them here at once.
04:44Dammit, I'm fed up when you're treating me
04:45as if I'm kind of a thicky.
04:47It's not me that's thick, it's you.
04:48Do you know why?
04:49Because I'm a bloody prince
04:50and you're only a butler.
04:51Now, we don't get those actors this minute,
04:53Mr. Thicky, Black Thicky Adder Thicky.
05:05Mr. Beggins,
05:06I'm looking for a couple of actors.
05:08Well, you've come to the right place, Mr. B.
05:10There's more Shakespearean dialogue in here
05:13than there are buns.
05:15All my lucky actors pop in
05:17on their way to Recastle
05:18for a little bit of coffee
05:20and a big dollop of inspiration.
05:22You mean they actually rehearse?
05:24I thought they just got drunk,
05:26stuck on a silly hat
05:26and trusted their luck.
05:28Oh, no.
05:30There's ever so much hard work
05:32goes into the wonderful magic
05:34that is theatre today.
05:36Still, I don't expect you'd know much about that,
05:39being only a little butler.
05:42They do say, Mrs. M.,
05:44that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain.
05:47They are, of course, wrong,
05:48as you will soon discover
05:49when I stick this toasting fork in your head.
05:54Please, gentlemen,
05:55will you please welcome Mr. David Kinry?
05:58Oh, hurrah!
05:59The fabulous Mr. Enoch Mothler.
06:02Gentlemen, gentlemen.
06:03Settle down, settle down.
06:05I'm sorry, no autographs.
06:06By usual, Mrs. Holmes.
06:08Oh, coming up, my lovely.
06:10Well, if I can just squeeze through
06:11this admiring rubble.
06:15Gentlemen,
06:16I've come with a proposition.
06:18How dare you, sir?
06:19You think, just because we're actors,
06:21we sleep with everyone?
06:22Well, I think, being actors,
06:24you're lucky to sleep with anyone.
06:26I've come here on behalf of my employer
06:28to ask for some elocution listeners.
06:31I'm fair, sir,
06:32that is quite impossible.
06:34We are in the middle of rehearsing our new play.
06:36We could not possibly betray
06:38our beloved audience by taking time off.
06:40Oh, no.
06:41Mustn't upset the punters.
06:43Bums on seats, lady.
06:44Bums on seats.
06:45And what play is this?
06:48It is a piece we penned ourselves
06:50called the bloody murder
06:52of the foul Prince Romero
06:54and his enormous bosomed wife.
06:58A philosophical work, then.
07:01Indeed, yes, sir.
07:02The violence of the murder
07:04and the vastness of the bosom
07:05are entirely justified, artistically.
07:08Right.
07:09Well, I'll tell the prince
07:09that you can't make it.
07:10Prince?
07:11Sorry, yes.
07:12Didn't I mention that?
07:13It's the prince regent.
07:14Shame you can't make it.
07:15No.
07:15No, no, no, no, sir.
07:16Please, no, please wait, sir.
07:18Off, off.
07:20Sir, I think we can find some time,
07:23do you not, Mr. Keenry?
07:24Definitely, Mr. Lawson.
07:26No, no, you've got your beloved audience
07:27to think about.
07:28Oh, sod the prose, Will.
07:31Yes, worthless bastards to a man.
07:34Well, it's nice to see artistic integrity
07:35thriving so strongly in the...
07:38Well, this afternoon at four, then,
07:39at the palace.
07:43Well, what do you think?
07:46Are you ill or something?
07:48No, I'm simply trying to look more like an actor.
07:51Well, I'm sure you don't need the false moustache.
07:53No?
07:53No.
07:54No!
07:55Ooh!
07:57He gats!
07:58It's had a pressed mass again!
08:01No, sir, that is Baldrick's spring cleaning.
08:04Oh, yes, so it is.
08:05Finish the job later, Baldrick.
08:07Very well, sir.
08:08The cleaning or the being strangled?
08:10Neither suits me.
08:13Look, Blackadder, this is all getting a bit hairy, isn't it?
08:15I mean, are you sure we can even trust these acting fellows?
08:18Last time he went to the theatre,
08:19three of them murdered Julius Caesar.
08:21One of them was his best friend, Brutus.
08:23As I have told you about eight times,
08:26the man playing Julius Caesar was an actor called Kemp.
08:31Really?
08:31Yes.
08:33Thundering gherkins!
08:34Well, Brutus must have been pretty miffed when he found out.
08:37What?
08:38That he hadn't killed Caesar after all,
08:40just some poxy actor called Kemp.
08:42Everything he did,
08:43go round to Caesar's place after the play and kill him then.
08:45Oh, God, it's pathetic.
08:53Is that the door?
08:54Oh, don't worry, it's just the actors.
08:57My Uncle Baldrick was in a play once.
08:59Really?
09:00Yeah, it was called Macbeth.
09:02And what did he play?
09:04Second codpiece.
09:08Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
09:11So he was a stunt codpiece.
09:17Did he have a large part?
09:24Depends who's playing Macbeth.
09:26No, incidentally, Baldrick,
09:28actors are very superstitious.
09:29On no account to mention the word Macbeth this evening, all right?
09:32Why not?
09:33It brings them bad luck,
09:34and it makes them very unhappy.
09:36Oh, so you won't be mentioning it either?
09:39No.
09:40Well, not very often.
09:44You should have knocked.
09:46Oh, no, no, you impertinent butler,
09:48were loud enough to wake the hounds of hell.
09:52Lead on, Macbeth.
09:53I shall.
09:59Lest you continue in your quotation
10:01and mention the name of the Scottish play.
10:03Oh, never fear, I shan't do that.
10:06By the Scottish play,
10:08I assume you mean Macbeth.
10:11Oh, potato,
10:12all the scores,
10:13butler, make amends.
10:15What was that?
10:17You exorcising evil spirits.
10:19Being but a mere butler,
10:20you will not know the great theatre tradition
10:22that one does never speak the name
10:25of the Scottish play.
10:27What, Macbeth?
10:28Oh, potato,
10:29all the scores,
10:30butler, make amends.
10:32What do you mean you have to do that
10:33every time I say Macbeth?
10:36Potato,
10:36all the scores,
10:37butler, make amends.
10:39Will you please stop saying that?
10:42Always call it the Scottish play.
10:44So you want me to say the Scottish play?
10:46Yes!
10:47Rather than Macbeth.
10:49Potato,
10:49all the scores,
10:50butler, make amends.
10:52Say,
10:52what is all this hullabaloo,
10:54all this shouting and screaming
10:55and yelling blue mud?
10:57It's like that play we saw the other day.
10:58What was it called?
10:59Macbeth, sir?
11:00Oh, potato,
11:01all the scores,
11:02butler, make amends.
11:04No, no, no, no,
11:05it was called Julius Caesar.
11:07Oh, yes, of course.
11:08Julius Caesar.
11:10Not Macbeth.
11:12Potato,
11:12all the scores,
11:13butler, make amends.
11:15Are you sure you want these people to stay?
11:18Of course,
11:18I asked them,
11:19didn't I,
11:19Mr. Thickey Butler?
11:21Your Royal Highness,
11:22may I say what a great honour it is
11:23to be invited here.
11:24Why, certainly.
11:26What a great honour that it is
11:28to be invited here
11:29to make Mary in the halls
11:31of our King's Loinsmith's
11:33glorious outpouring.
11:37Now, Your Highness,
11:38shall we begin straight away?
11:39Absolutely, yes.
11:40Now, I've got this...
11:41Now, before we inspect the script,
11:43let us have a look at stunts.
11:46Right.
11:47Yes.
11:47Now, the ordinary fellow stands like,
11:49well, as you do now.
11:51Well, where else?
11:52Your hero stands last.
11:56Right.
11:56Eyes are sort of like this.
11:58Excellent choice.
12:00Even more so.
12:02Oh, oh.
12:02Sort of like that.
12:07What's that noise?
12:08It wasn't me.
12:10We are used to standing in this position.
12:15Can't remember here.
12:19Anarchist!
12:20Cleaner!
12:20All right, sir.
12:21You'd better wash.
12:21That's no excuse.
12:22Stop it.
12:24That, sir.
12:25That is Baldrick's spring cleaning.
12:27Look, he's got a bomb.
12:28It's not a bomb, sir.
12:29It's a sponge.
12:31Oh, yes, sir, it is.
12:32Well, get it out of here at once
12:33before it explodes.
12:36I'm close, start.
12:38I'm sorry about that.
12:38I think we really had something there.
12:39Oh, yes, your highness.
12:41Why, your very posture tells me here is a man of true greatness.
12:46Either that or here are my genitals.
12:47Please.
12:51Sir, I really must ask
12:54that this ill-educated oaf be removed from the room.
12:57Yes, get out, sir.
12:58Your presence here is as useful as fine-boned china
13:01at a tea party for drunken elephants.
13:03Is that right?
13:05Well, yes, hang it on.
13:05We'll get out, Blackadder, and stop caulking our juices.
13:08Certainly, your highness.
13:09I'll leave you to dribble in private.
13:15Is nothing wrong, Mr. B?
13:16I've just about headed up to here with that, Prince.
13:18One more insult, and I'll be handing in my notice.
13:20Oh, does that mean I'll be butler?
13:22Not unless some kindly passing surgeon
13:24cuts your head open with a spade
13:26and sticks a new brain in it.
13:27Oh, no.
13:28I don't know why I put up with it.
13:30I really don't.
13:31Every year at the Guild of Butler's Christmas Party,
13:34I'm the one who has to wear the red nose
13:35and the pointy hat for winning the
13:37Who's Got the Stupidest Master competition.
13:40All I can say is he'd better watch out.
13:42One more foot wrong,
13:43and the contract between us
13:44will be as broken as this milk jug.
13:46But that milk jug isn't broken.
13:48You really do walk into these things, don't you?
13:57Excellent.
13:58And now, sir, at last,
14:00the speech.
14:01Right.
14:04No, no, no, no, no,
14:05Your Royal Highness.
14:07What have you forgotten?
14:09Oh, now look,
14:10if I stand any more heroically than this,
14:12I'm in danger of seriously
14:13disappointing my future queen.
14:15No, Your Highness.
14:16Not the stance.
14:18The roar.
14:20You want me to roar?
14:21Well, of course we wish you to roar.
14:23All great oraces roar
14:25before commencing their speeches.
14:27It is the way of things.
14:29Mr. Kinric,
14:30from your hamlet, please.
14:35War,
14:37to be or not to be.
14:42From your Julius Caesar.
14:46War,
14:52and from your leading character
14:54in a play connected with Scotland.
14:57That's my best, isn't it?
15:00I'll take off the stalls,
15:01but we'll make amends.
15:09Let's hold on together, gentlemen.
15:12One,
15:13two,
15:13three.
15:17War!
15:19Excellent job.
15:21Now,
15:21so it's I putting it all together.
15:26War!
15:29I'm accustomed as I am
15:30to my...
15:35Alas, I hear you
15:36mew it like a frightened tree.
15:40May I
15:41see the speech?
15:42I...
15:43Oh, well, me.
15:51Who wrote this drivel?
15:54Oh.
15:57Is there a problem with the speech?
16:01Well, yes, there is a problem, actually.
16:04The problem is that you wrote it, Mr. Hopelessly-drivilely-can't-write-for-toffee-crappy-butler-weed.
16:16Whoops.
16:21Yes, officer.
16:22Yes, preferably something that has first passed through the digestive system of the cat.
16:28And you have to take it up yourself.
16:30Why?
16:30Because I'm leaving, Baldrick.
16:32I'm about to enter the job market.
16:35Right, let's see.
16:37The situation's vacant.
16:39Mr. and Mrs. Pitt are looking for a baby-minder to take Pitt the Younger to Parliament.
16:46Missophilical George Stevenson has invented a moving kettle.
16:50Not someone to help with the marketing.
16:53Well, there's a foreign opportunity here.
16:54Treacherous, malicious, unprincipled cad, preferably non-smoker, wanted to be king of Sardinia.
17:01No time wasters, please.
17:04By Napoleon Bonaparte, P.O. Box 1, Paris.
17:08We're on our way.
17:12Oh, sir.
17:14About costume.
17:16Any thoughts?
17:17Well, enormous trousers, certainly.
17:21And then I thought, perhaps, an admiral's uniform.
17:23Because we know what all the nice girls love, don't we?
17:27I tell you what, why don't I go and try them on for you?
17:29Oh, a super idea.
17:31Help yourselves to whine.
17:32You'll need a stiff drink when you see the size of these damn trousers.
17:37Oh, my dear, what a ghastly evening.
17:39You're so right, love.
17:40Look, while he's gone, why don't we have a quick read-through of the murder of Prince Romero and his
17:45enormous bosom wife?
17:47Act one, scene one.
17:49Swingers come with all his gentle showers.
17:51Methinks it is time to hack the prince to death.
17:54Baudric, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest and friendly companionship.
17:59Oh, thank you, Mr. B.
18:01But as we both know, it would be an utter lie.
18:04I would therefore confine myself to saying simply, sod off.
18:08If I ever meet you again, it'll be 20 billion years too soon.
18:13Goodbye, you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard.
18:23I fear, Baudric, that you will soon be eating those badly chosen words.
18:27I wouldn't bet you a single groat that you could survive five minutes here without me.
18:32Oh, come on, Mr. B. It's not as though we're going to get murdered or anything the minute you leave,
18:36is it?
18:36Hope springs eternal, boy.
18:40Coming!
18:42Oh, let's kill the prince.
18:46He shall strike first.
18:47Let me, and let this dagger's point prick out his soft eyeball,
18:53and sup with glee upon its exquisite jelly.
18:59Have you the stomach?
19:01I have not killed him yet, sir.
19:02But when I do, I shall have the stomach and the liver too.
19:08And the floppy-doppy-doppy-s in their horrid gloom.
19:13What if a servant should hear us in our plotting?
19:16Ha-ha!
19:17Then shall we have servant sausages for tea.
19:22And servant rizzles shall our supper be.
19:28Murder! Murder! Murder!
19:30The revolution started!
19:32What?
19:32A plot! A plot to kill you!
19:34Oh, so you've come clean at last, have you, you bloody little poor person?
19:37No, not me. The actors downstairs, they're anarchists.
19:41Anarchists?
19:41Yeah, I heard them plotting.
19:42They're going to poke out your liver, turn me into a wrist hole,
19:45and then suck on your exquisite floppy-doppy-s.
19:48What are we going to do?
19:49Well, Mr. Blackadder says, when the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table.
19:54Well, of course. Well, where is he?
19:55Oh, he's in Sardinia.
19:57What? Why?
19:58Well, you were rude to him, so he left.
20:00Oh, no! What a mad, blundering, incredibly handsome young link-a-poop I've been.
20:05Oh, what are we going to do?
20:07If we go downstairs, they'll chop us up and eat us alive.
20:09Oh, no!
20:10Do! Do! Do!
20:11Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
20:23Good evening, Goiners.
20:25Oh, Blackadder.
20:25Four minutes, 22 seconds, Warwick.
20:27You owe me a groat.
20:29Thank God I hear we desperately need you!
20:32Oh, me, sir?
20:33Mr. Thicky Black Thicky Adder Thicky.
20:36Oh, that is not...
20:37Mr. Hopelessly, drivelily, can't-write for toffee-crappy butler.
20:40Yes, sir.
20:41All the way, sir.
20:42Mr. Brilliantly undervalued butler who hasn't had a raise in a fortnight?
20:46Take an extra thousand.
20:48Guineas?
20:49Per month?
20:50All right, what's your problem?
20:52What? The actors have turned out to be vicious anarchists.
20:55They intend to kill us all.
20:56What? Are they going to bore us to death?
20:58No, no, no!
20:58It's fabulous! Baldrick overheard them.
21:00I did.
21:00Are you sure they meant it, sir?
21:01Oh, I'm quite sure.
21:02Baldrick, how far apart were their legs?
21:03All.
21:04This far.
21:04Yeah, and their nipples?
21:05That far.
21:07All right, sir. I'll see what I can do.
21:09To torture him, I lust.
21:11Let's singe his hair and up his nostrils.
21:16Hot bananas thrust.
21:20Rehearsal's going well, gentlemen.
21:22Be gone.
21:23A mayor butler with the intellectual capacity of a squashed apricot can be of no use to us.
21:27Indeed, yes, sir.
21:29Your participation is as irritating as a potted cactus in a monkey's pyjamas.
21:35In that case, I won't interrupt you any longer.
21:38Sorry to disturb, gentlemen.
21:44Oh, Blackadder, thank God you're safe.
21:46What happened?
21:47Sir, there was no need to panic.
21:48It was all perfectly straightforward.
21:50Well?
21:51They're traitors, sir.
21:53They must be arrested, brutally tortured, and executed forthwith.
21:56Wrong way!
22:00But your highness, there's been a terrible mistake.
22:03That's what they were bound to say, sir.
22:05It was a play, sir.
22:06A play.
22:07Look all the words you heard written down on that tape.
22:10Textbook stuff again, you see.
22:12The criminal's vanity always makes them make one tiny but fatal mistake.
22:15Theirs was to have their entire conspiracy printed and published in play manuscript.
22:20Take them away.
22:21That.
22:22We beg for mercy.
22:23Mercy, please, sir.
22:24Mercy.
22:24I've only got one thing to say to you.
22:26Macbeth.
22:27Ah!
22:28Take it to the orchestra, sir.
22:29Macbeth.
22:30Macbeth.
22:32Well done, Bladder.
22:33How could I ever thank you?
22:34Well, you can start by not calling me Bladder, sir.
22:38Macbeth.
22:39Of course, Bladder.
22:40No sooner said than done.
22:41No hard feelings?
22:42Oh, absolutely none, sir.
22:43It's good to be back in the saddle.
22:44Did I say saddle?
22:45I meant harness.
22:48Bravo.
22:48So we're the best of friends as ever we were.
22:50Absolutely, sir.
22:51Hurrah!
22:51In fact, now that the evil Mossop and Keenrick have got their comeuppance, the Drury Lane
22:56Theatre is free.
22:57I thought we might celebrate by staging a little play that I've written.
23:00Oh, what an excellent idea.
23:01And with my newfound acting skills, might there be a part in it for me, do you think?
23:05I was hoping that you might play the title role, sir.
23:08What a roaringly good idea.
23:09What's the play called?
23:11Thick Jack Clot Sits in the Stocks and Gets Pelted with Rancid Tomatoes.
23:17Excellent!
23:17I'm too böse.
23:18I'm too böse.
23:19You can have made someissälaşius here to help them out, etc.
23:19I'm so dead.統restكون