- 4 days ago
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00:02Go away.
00:04My Lord, there is someone at the door to see you.
00:06Oh, God.
00:08What time is it?
00:09Four o'clock.
00:10Baldrick, I've told you before, you mustn't let me sleep all day.
00:13This woman charges by the hour.
00:17My Lord, it's four o'clock in the morning.
00:19Someone wants to see me at four in the morning?
00:21What is he, a giant lark?
00:24No, he's a priest.
00:26Tell him I'm Jewish.
00:28Are you going to introduce me, then?
00:30What?
00:31Are you going to introduce me to your friend?
00:33Oh, very well, but I think you're making a mistake.
00:35Baldrick, I'm delighted to introduce you to...
00:38I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name.
00:40Molly.
00:41Of course, Molly.
00:42Baldrick, this is Molly, a dear friend of mine.
00:44I'm not dear.
00:46You're very reasonable, actually, Baldrick.
00:48Most girls will charge an extra six months for all the horrible things he wants.
00:51Yes, all right, all right, all right.
00:53Baldrick, this is Molly, an inexpensive prostitute.
00:56Molly, this is Baldrick, a pointless peasant.
00:59An emergency...
01:00Yeah, well, what about this priest?
01:02Tell him to take his sacred backside out of here.
01:04And what's more, if he comes begging again, tell him I shall report him to the Bishop of Bath and
01:09Wales,
01:10who drowns babies during christenings and eats them in the vestry afterwards.
01:14Very good, Molly.
01:16Bye, Baldrick.
01:18Bye, Molly.
01:20I say, get out!
01:23Well, you're a one, aren't you?
01:25Well, you should be whispering sweet conversational nothings like,
01:27goodness, something twice the size of the royal bard who's just hoved into view between the sheets.
01:32You don't say a word.
01:34But enter the creature from the black latrine and you won't stop jabbering.
01:38You're treating me like a human being.
01:40Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther.
01:48Yes, Baldrick, what is it now?
01:51It's that priest. He says he still wants to see you.
01:53And did you mention the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wales?
01:56I did, my lord.
01:57What did he say?
01:57He said I am the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wales!
02:01Good lord!
02:02You haven't any children, have you, Blackadder?
02:05No. No, I'm not married.
02:06In that case, I'll skip breakfast and get straight down to business.
02:10Do you know what day it is today?
02:13No, I don't.
02:13It is exactly one year ago to the day that the Bank of the Black Monks of St. Herod,
02:19banking with a smile and a stab, of which I am the assistant manager, lent you £1,000.
02:28Our motto is repayment or revenge.
02:35Of course.
02:36And naturally I would have paid you back, but unfortunately, and this is the real bugger,
02:39I've gone and lost my wallet.
02:42It is disastrous.
02:44It had all my addresses in it, all those little notes saying, forget ye not, and of course,
02:48all my money.
02:50There's no concern of mine.
02:51The debt is now due.
02:53Not to repay a loan is a sin, and we Black Monks, we hate sin.
02:57Ah.
02:59May I introduce my mother?
03:03Good morning, my dear.
03:07I hope you haven't forgotten our appointment.
03:10Of course not, Pompey.
03:12Dear, I have a mind, my pretty, to play nuns and novices, so don't forget your wimple.
03:19But as for you, you come with me.
03:22Where?
03:23To visit the last poor fool who lost his wallet.
03:28Oh!
03:32William Greaves, born 1513 in Chelmsford with the love of Christ, died 1563 in agony with
03:41a spike up his bottom.
03:44Oh!
03:45Tis ever and so, nuncle, with the Black Monks.
03:48Oh!
03:49Scream, did he.
03:50Scream and gurgle as they skewered his cat flap for want of a fire.
03:54I think you'll get my message.
03:57Um, yes, yes, indeed.
03:58But tell me, Bishop, let me just test the water here, so to speak.
04:02Um, supposing I was to say to you something like, I'm a close friend of the Queen's, and
04:06I think she'd be very interested to hear about you and Molly and the wimple, so why don't
04:11we just call it quits, a fatso?
04:15I would say, firstly, the Queen would not believe you, and secondly, you'll regret calling me
04:22fatso later today.
04:25Ah.
04:25I will have my money if I even sunk tonight, or your bottom will wish it had never been
04:33borne!
04:38Oh, poor Tom's a cold.
04:42Pity poor Tom, for his nose is frozen, and he does shiver, and he's mad!
04:48Oh, shut up!
04:51So, lads, I'm up a certain creek without a certain instrument.
04:55Either I raise a thousand pounds by this evening, or I get murdered.
04:59What should I do?
05:00It's obvious.
05:01What?
05:01You'll have to get murdered.
05:03You'll never raise that sort of money.
05:05Oh, come on, poor Drake.
05:07A piffling thousand?
05:09Pay the fellow Edmund and damn his impudence.
05:11I haven't got a thousand, Duncan.
05:13I've got 85 quid in the whole world.
05:16But you're always boasting to the Queen about how wealthy you are.
05:19Ah, a cunning web of deceit subtly spun about the court to improve my standing, unfortunately.
05:24What do you mean?
05:25You've been...
05:27dipping?
05:28Yep.
05:29My whole life has been a tissue of whoppers.
05:32I consider myself one of England's finest liars.
05:35Oh, my God, Percy.
05:36A giant hummingbird is about to eat your hat and cloak.
05:38Oh, no!
05:39You see, I'm terrific.
05:44It seems to have gone now.
05:47Couldn't you just dip into the family fortune?
05:49There isn't one.
05:51My father blew it all on wine, women, and amateur dramatics.
05:55At the end, he was eking out a living doing humorous impressions of Anne of Cleves.
06:00Oh, Edmund, I'm sorry.
06:01I had no idea.
06:03But do not despair, for I have some small savings carefully harvested from my weekly allowance
06:09set aside against my frail old age.
06:12By lucky hapt, it's just over a thousand, methinks,
06:14and has for years been hidden beyond the wit of any thief
06:17in an old sock under the squeaky floorboard behind the kitchen dresser.
06:25You've seen it?
06:26Seen it, pinched it, spent it.
06:31And the same goes for the two farthings Boric thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato.
06:35Oh, bloody hell.
06:39Well, then you are doomed.
06:43Alas.
06:45For God's sake, let us sit upon the carpet
06:50and tell sad stories.
06:52Certainly not.
06:53When Lord Blackadder is in trouble, he does not sit about.
06:56Won't be able to sit about with a spike up your bottom.
06:58Well, I think so.
06:59But still, I've got 85 quid and that's a start.
07:02I'm sure I'll think of something as long as I'm not disturbed.
07:06My Lord, the Queen does demand your urgent presence on pain of death.
07:09Oh, damn.
07:10The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd.
07:20Madam, you sent for me.
07:22Did I?
07:23I don't remember.
07:25I don't know what a scatterbrain I am.
07:28Sir.
07:33Well, perhaps, Mum, if I might be allowed to withdraw,
07:36I have one or two tiny matters to attend to.
07:38Certainly.
07:47That was a terrific joke, wasn't it?
07:49Oh, magnificent.
07:50You're so naughty.
07:52What, my lady?
07:53I do know why I wanted to see you.
07:55And I just pretended I didn't.
07:57And I fooled you.
07:59And it worked brilliantly, didn't it?
08:01It was terrific, Madam.
08:04I thank God I wore my corset because I think my sides have split.
08:13So, why did you want to see me?
08:16It's quite a lovely joke.
08:18Or perhaps, Blackadder,
08:19you don't think the Queen's jokes are funny enough for you to be troubled with.
08:23Au contraire.
08:24I'm ecstatic about the whole incident.
08:25I only didn't laugh out loud because I was afraid if I did,
08:28my head would have fallen off.
08:32If you don't start soon,
08:34your head will fall off.
08:39Now, pay Melchie his £85 and run along.
08:42£85?
08:43Yes.
08:44We had a bet.
08:46I said that you wouldn't fall for my trick,
08:47and Melchie said you would because I'm so super and you're so stupid.
08:52You owe him £85.
08:54Oh, fine, fine.
08:56I mean, it's only money, isn't it?
08:59I cannot believe it.
09:02She drags me all the way from Billingsgate to Richmond
09:04to play about the weakest practical joke
09:06since Cardinal Woolsey got his knob out at Hampton Court
09:11and stood at the end of the passage pretending to be a door.
09:17Oh, shut up, Baldriss.
09:18You'd laugh at a Shakespeare comedy.
09:20Edmund!
09:21Oh, Edmund, I've awaited your return.
09:23Thanks, thank God you did, for I was just thinking,
09:26my God, I die in 12 hours.
09:28What I really need now is a hug from a complete pruss.
09:32But fear not,
09:33for I have a plan to save the life of my dear, dear friend.
09:37Look, I'm not interested in your bloody friends.
09:38What about me?
09:40Not bad, Edmund.
09:41That's a good one.
09:42Oh, all right, then.
09:43What's your big plan for luck, Ed?
09:46I intend to discover, this very afternoon,
09:50the secret of alchemy.
09:53The hidden art of turning base things into gold.
09:59I see.
09:59And the fact that this secret has eluded the most intelligent people
10:02since the dawn of time doesn't dampen your spirits.
10:06Oh, no.
10:07I like a challenge.
10:09Well, Baldriss, I lost the 85 quid.
10:12The grave opens up before me like a big hole in the ground.
10:18Well, I did have one idea, my Lord, but...
10:21No, it's stupid, you know.
10:23What is it?
10:24Well, I have heard there's good money to be made down the docks.
10:30Doing favours for sailors.
10:35Favours?
10:37What do you mean?
10:38Delivering messages, sewing on buttons, I guess?
10:40Um, um, not quite.
10:43Baldrick.
10:44My Lord?
10:45Are you suggesting that I become a rent boy?
10:49Oh, good-looking bloke like you.
10:50Posh accent, nice legs.
10:52You can make a bomb.
10:53Just stick a pink carnation in your hat and, uh,
10:56make the old sign.
10:57I'd rather die.
10:59Oh, fair enough.
10:59That's all right, then.
11:00I'll just put the kettle on while we wait, shall I?
11:02I'll take it, of course.
11:03With a slight alteration, your sick and sordid plan might just work.
11:15Give me a kiss and I'll give you a penny.
11:19A penny?
11:20Well, all right, let's have it.
11:22All right, go on.
11:23Nothing fancy, just a peck.
11:25I'll miss my mum, you see.
11:27When I was a little kid, my mother always used to come...
11:29Get her move on.
11:30He's a prostitute, not an agony arm.
11:32Go on, please.
11:34Just a little peck on the cheek and say,
11:36there, there, Arthur.
11:38Mummy will kiss it better and you shall have a story.
11:41Well, I don't know.
11:42Do you do requests, Mordrick?
11:44Well, kinky stuff.
11:45Yeah, I'm game.
11:46Oh, go on, please.
11:48I miss my mum so much.
11:50I mean, she was like a mother to me.
11:53All right, go on, all right.
11:59I've forgotten what I'm supposed to say.
12:00Oh, get out of the way.
12:02I'll do it.
12:03There, there, Arthur.
12:05Mummy, kiss it better and you shall have a story.
12:08What kind of a story?
12:10Well, I don't know.
12:11What about a squirrel, as it was?
12:13And then Squirry the Squirrel went...
12:15Neep, neep, neep.
12:17And they all went home for tea.
12:19Oh, thanks very much, me old shivering mateys.
12:21That was wonderful.
12:22Now, then, how much do you charge for a good hard shag?
12:34A thousand pounds.
12:36A thousand pounds?
12:38You've got to be joking.
12:39Well, I'm sure we could negotiate.
12:45Right, so we've got sixpence.
12:49Yeah, now, all we need to do, my lord, is to go down a cockfight and put it on a
12:53bird that's a dead cert, but has got odds of 40,000 to one.
12:58Know you of such a bird?
12:59No.
13:01But we could make one.
13:03No, we couldn't, Baldrick.
13:06Oh, God, I suppose you have to be told sometimes.
13:08Sit down.
13:10What happens is, a mummy bird and a daddy bird, who love each other very much, get certain urges.
13:17No, no, my lord, what I mean is, we could get a mad, wild killer bull and disguise it as
13:22a bird.
13:24But it will be such a strange-looking bird that no one will back it.
13:28But we'll know it's a killer bull, so we'll put money on it.
13:31Only we will know.
13:32Yeah, if we stick enough feathers on it and hang an egg between its legs.
13:36Yes, all right, all right.
13:38A chat with you and somehow death loses its sting.
13:41My lord, the Queen does demand your urgent presence on pain of death.
13:45You're not making any friends here.
13:47You do know that, don't you, ma'am?
13:51Adam, you said for me again.
13:53Yes, Edmund.
13:55I wanted to apologise for the silly trick I played on you.
13:58Ah.
13:59It was naughty and bad of me.
14:01It was my little rosebud.
14:03If you weren't quite so big, it'd be time for Mr and Mrs Spank to pay a short, sharp trip
14:07to Botteyland.
14:10Thank you, Nursey.
14:11And thank you, Edmund.
14:13That's all?
14:14Yes.
14:16Thanks for coming.
14:27That was very funny, too, wasn't it?
14:32My lady?
14:33Dragging you all the way across town again.
14:35Just to say sorry for dragging you all the way across town the first time.
14:40It was Melchit's idea.
14:42I think it's wonderful, don't you?
14:44It's fantastic.
14:45Melchit, I prostrate myself with the feet of the world's greatest living comedian.
14:50Oh, you are super, Edmund.
14:53Oh, Edmund, I promised Lord Melchit that I would play a sharp halfpenny with him.
14:57But do we have no coin?
14:59Do you have a halfpenny?
15:00Unfortunately, only a sixpence, Mum.
15:02What a shame.
15:03Oh, no.
15:03A sixpence would do just as well.
15:06Oh, good.
15:10Oh, gosh.
15:11This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the Hundred Years' War.
15:17Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?
15:20My lord, success!
15:22What?
15:22After literally an hour's ceasefire searching, I have succeeded in creating gold.
15:28Pure gold!
15:30Are you sure?
15:30Yes, my lord.
15:34Behold.
15:37Percy, it's green.
15:40That's right, my lord.
15:42Yes, Percy, I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour of gold is gold.
15:46That's why it's called gold.
15:48What you have discovered, if it has a name, is some green.
15:56Oh, Edmund.
15:58Can it be true that I hold here in my mortal hand a nugget of purest green?
16:08Indeed you do, Percy, except, of course, it's not really a nugget, is it?
16:11It's more of a splat.
16:13Well, yes.
16:14A splat today, but tomorrow.
16:16Who knows?
16:17Or dares to dream.
16:20So we three alone in all the world can create the finest green at will.
16:24Just so.
16:26Not sure about counting in Baldrick, actually.
16:28Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don't you, Percy?
16:31Perhaps, my lord.
16:32That you, Percy, Lord Percy, are an utter burke.
16:38Baldrick.
16:39Hello.
16:39Pack my bags, I'm going to sell the house.
16:41What?
16:41There's nothing else for it.
16:42I mean, I shall miss the old place, I know.
16:45I've had some happy times here when you and Percy have been out.
16:50But needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle.
16:55Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house.
17:00Percy, just go forth into the street.
17:04This is the dead one.
17:06Oh, dear.
17:07But I have to tell you, Mr. Pants, that I've had an extremely encouraging nibble from another client.
17:13And I think you know me well enough to know that I'm not the sort of man to ignore a
17:16nibble for long.
17:18I noticed some dry rot in the bedrooms, Timothy.
17:21Well, Mrs. Pants, dry rot is as dry rot does.
17:24Stop me if I'm getting too technical.
17:26And the plausible house is a little uneven.
17:28Indeed, yes, madam.
17:29And at no extra cost.
17:32Strange smell.
17:32Yes, that's the servant.
17:34He'll be gone.
17:35You've really worked out your banter, haven't you?
17:38No, not really.
17:39This is a different thing.
17:39It's spontaneous and it's called wit.
17:42What about the privies?
17:43When the master craftsman who created this home was looking at the sewage, he said to himself,
17:48Romeo, what was his name?
17:50Romeo, let's make them functional and comfortable.
17:54Oh, well, that seems nice, doesn't it, dear?
17:56I think we understand each other, sir.
17:58So, so then, Rick.
17:59But what about the privies?
18:02Well, what we're talking about in, um, privy terms is the very latest in front wall fresh air orifices combined
18:11with a wide capacity gutter installation below.
18:15You mean you crap out of the window?
18:20Yes.
18:22Well, in that case, we'll definitely take it.
18:26I can't stand those dirty indoor things.
18:31There.
18:32That's the lot.
18:34He only wanted to pay a thousand, but I managed to beat him up to eleven hundred.
18:37Oh, you wily old trickster, you.
18:40Oh, credit where credit's due.
18:41I just named the price.
18:42It was Baldrick who actually beat him up.
18:46Percy, what is that on the front of your tunic?
18:49Ah, it is a brooch, my lord.
18:51A brooch cunningly fashioned from pure green.
18:56It looks like you've sneezed.
18:59It is with trinkets such as this brooch, and here a ring, that I intend to revive your fortunes and
19:07buy back your house.
19:08You think there's a big market for jewellery that looks like snot, then?
19:12My lord.
19:13The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Percy?
19:19My lord.
19:20Ah, messenger.
19:21Thank God you came.
19:22Percy and I could not have waited another second without you.
19:26Your majesty.
19:28Thank God you were right.
19:29Terrible news.
19:30What?
19:30The French intend to invade, Blackadder.
19:33My God.
19:34So I need some money.
19:37Yes, every nobleman must pay 500 pounds towards the outkeep of the navies.
19:41But we've decided to make you a special case.
19:43Oh, thank you, ma'am.
19:44Melchie here hasn't got a bean, so we thought, as you're so fabulously wealthy, you could pay for both.
19:50It would be awfully sweet of you.
19:51Yes, unfortunately, ma'am, I'm in the middle of a cash flow crisis, and I just haven't got any money
19:55on me.
19:55But, Edmund.
19:57Sorry.
19:58What's that in your tights?
20:00Oh, good lord.
20:03It looks like just over a thousand pounds.
20:07So it is.
20:08I thought you said you didn't have any.
20:11Oh, I thought you meant real money.
20:12Oh, this is just a bit of loose change.
20:13I must have left it in my codpiece when I said these tights are the laundry.
20:17A thousand pounds just loosing your tights?
20:19That is flat.
20:21Anyway, hand it over.
20:23Thanks.
20:24Bye.
20:25Bye.
20:27Well, goodbye, indeed.
20:29Goodbye, ma'am.
20:31Goodbye, Melchie.
20:33Goodbye, Nancy.
20:35Oh, sorry.
20:36Bye.
20:38Bye.
20:52Stay on, Edmund.
20:53It was completely full.
20:56It's a brilliant chick, Betty.
20:58Brilliant man.
21:01And now I'm going to have you executed.
21:04Majesty?
21:06It's for taking the mickey out of my beloved Edmund so cruelly.
21:10I'm going to knock your block off.
21:13Majesty, I only ask you to please.
21:15Oh, please.
21:16I so want to live.
21:18Oh, oh, oh, oh.
21:21Oh.
21:21Oh, praise the Lord for the gift of laughter.
21:34Right, Baldus.
21:35I've lost the money.
21:35I'm going to have to run away.
21:36Why, my Lord?
21:37I want to avoid these monks, of course.
21:39There's no point. The black bank's got branches everywhere.
21:42Oh.
21:47If I die, Baldi, do you think people would remember me?
21:50Yeah, of course they would.
21:52Yes, I suppose so.
21:53Yeah, people would always be slapping each other on the shoulders and laughing and saying,
21:57do you remember old privy breath?
22:00Do people call me privy breath?
22:02Yeah. The ones who like you.
22:06Am I, then, not popular?
22:08Um, well, put it this way.
22:10When people slip in what dogs have left in the street,
22:12they do tend to say, whoops, I've trod on an Edmund.
22:16Bloody cheek. Now, I'll show them.
22:19Have you got a plan, my lord?
22:20Yes, I have, and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it.
22:24All I need is some feathers, a dress, some oil, an easel,
22:28some sleeping draught, lots of paper, a prostitute,
22:30and the best portrait painter in England.
22:32I'll get them right away, my lord.
22:36My lord, the most famous portrait painter in England,
22:40Mr. Leonardo Acropolis.
22:42Right, are you any good?
22:43No, I am a Jane-o.
22:47Well, you better be or you're dead.
22:50Right, in the bedroom, beard face.
22:52Walnut, get the door.
22:52Well, my lord, right.
23:04Well, the bishop of Bartham-Werves.
23:09The time has come, Black Adam.
23:11Oh, hello, Bish.
23:12The black monks will have their money,
23:15or I will have my fun.
23:18You enjoy your work, don't you?
23:20Bits of it, yeah.
23:21The violent bits.
23:22Yes.
23:23You see, I am a colossal pervert.
23:28No form of sexual depravity is too low for me.
23:33Animal, vegetable, or mineral,
23:35I'll do anything to anything.
23:37Fine words for a bishop.
23:39Yes, nice to hear the church speaking out for a change
23:41on social issues.
23:43Have you got the money?
23:45Nope.
23:45Good.
23:46I hate it when people pay up.
23:48Say your prayers, Black Adam.
23:50It's poker time!
23:52Fine.
23:53Are you ever concerned that people might find you out?
23:57No.
23:58I kill, I maim, I fornicate,
24:00but as far as my flock is concerned,
24:02my only vice is a little tipple before even song.
24:06Oh, thank you.
24:10Bend over, Black Adam.
24:13This is where you get...
24:16Drunk, my God!
24:18It's not like Baldrick, actually,
24:19but the effect is much the same.
24:22Wakey-wakey, Bish.
24:24Dear me, you clerics really are slugger beds.
24:26Where am I?
24:28I remember...
24:29Drunk.
24:30That's right.
24:31You should have killed me while you had the chance.
24:34You have looked in wonder at your last dawn, Black Adam.
24:38Well, I'm not so sure about that.
24:40I did wonder, though, what people who saw this might think.
24:44Hell above.
24:45What creatures from hell are those?
24:48They make an interesting couple, don't they, I think?
24:49I think you probably recognise this huge, sweating mound of blubber here.
24:55Hey, catcho?
24:58There's no point, anyway.
24:59We have the preliminary sketches.
25:02Soon, soon bang off a couple of copies.
25:04Let's see, one for the Queen, one for the Archbishop.
25:06A couple kept aside, perhaps, to form the basis of an exciting exhibition of challenging young artists' work.
25:10By the horns of the L.C. Pupp, how did you get me into that position?
25:14And it's so beautifully framed, don't you think?
25:16This is ironic, really, because that's exactly what's happened to you.
25:20You fiend!
25:21Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity!
25:25Have you ever considered a career in the church?
25:29Oh, I could never get used to the underwear.
25:31And what I could use, though, is, let's say, £1,100 to buy back my house,
25:35£4,000 to cover some sundry expenses,
25:37ten shillings for the two doors,
25:39and, let's say, threepence for a celebratory slap-up binge at Mrs. Miggins' pie shop.
25:44Yes, yes, but first one question.
25:47Who is the second figure?
25:50Who could you have got to have performed such deeds?
25:52To have gone lower that man has ever gone?
25:54To have plunged the depths of degradation just in order to save your filthy life!
26:04Percy, may I introduce His Grace, the Bishop of Barton Wells?
26:09Your Grace, Lord Percy Percy, heir to the Duchy of Nathumblut.
26:14Hello.
26:17It was lovely working with you.