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00:01Oh! Oh! Oh! Blackadder! Blackadder!
00:04Your Highness.
00:05What time is it?
00:07Three o'clock in the afternoon, Your Highness.
00:09Oh, God for that, I thought I'd overslept.
00:11I trust you had a pleasant evening, sir?
00:14Well, no, actually. The most extraordinary thing happened.
00:17Last night I was having a bit of a snack at the naughty Hellfire Club
00:20and some fellow said that I had the wit and sophistication of a donkey.
00:25Oh, an absurd suggestion, sir.
00:26You're right, it is absurd.
00:27Unless, of course, it was a particularly stupid donkey.
00:32See, if only I'd thought of saying that.
00:34Well, that is so often the way, sir, too late one thinks of what one should have said.
00:38Sir Thomas More, for instance, burned alive for refusing to recant his Catholicism.
00:42Must have been kicking himself as the flames licked higher,
00:45but it never occurred to him to say, I recant my Catholicism.
00:50Well, yes, you see, only the other day Prime Minister Pitt called me an idle scrounger.
00:54And it wasn't until eighties later that I thought how clever it would have been
00:57to have said, oh, bugger off, you old fart.
01:00I need to improve my mind, Blackadder.
01:03I want people to say, that George, why, he's as clever as a stick in a bucket of pig swill.
01:07And how do you suggest this miracle is to be achieved, Your Highness?
01:11Easy.
01:12I shall become best friends with the cleverest man in England.
01:15That renowned brain box, Dr. Samuel Johnson, has asked me to be patron of this new book,
01:20that I intend to accept.
01:21Would this be the long-awaited dictionary, sir?
01:24Who cares about the title, as long as there's plenty of juicy murders in it?
01:27I hear it's a masterpiece.
01:28No, sir, it is not.
01:29It's the most pointless book since How to Learn French was translated into French.
01:36You haven't got anything personal against Johnson, have you, Blackadder?
01:40Good Lord, sir, not at all.
01:41In fact, I'd never heard of him until you mentioned him just now.
01:45But you do think he's a genius?
01:46No, sir, I do not.
01:47Unless, of course, the definition of genius in his ridiculous dictionary is a fat dullard or wobblebottom,
01:55a compass ass with sweaty dewflap.
01:59Well, close shave there, then. Lucky you warned me.
02:03I was about to embrace this unholy arse to the royal bosom.
02:06I'm delighted to have been instrumental in keeping your bosom free of arses.
02:11Bravo!
02:12Don't want to waste my valuable time with wobblebottoms.
02:14I'll touch some tea, will you, Blackadder?
02:16Certainly, sir.
02:16Oh, and make it two cups, will you?
02:18That splendid brain box, Dr Johnson's, coming round.
02:25Something wrong, Mr B?
02:27Oh, something's always wrong, Boulders.
02:30The fact that I'm not a millionaire aristocrat
02:32with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is a constant big deal.
02:37But today, something's even wronger.
02:39That globulus fraud, Dr Johnson, is coming to tea.
02:41I thought he was the cleverest man in England.
02:44Baldrick, I'd bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots.
02:49That's not what you said when you sent him your navel.
02:52Novel, Baldrick, not navel.
02:55I sent him my novel.
02:57Well, novel or navel, it sounds a bit like a bag of grapefruits to me.
03:01The phrase, Baldrick, is a case of sour grapes.
03:04And yes, it's bloody bullies.
03:06And he might at least have written back, but no, nothing.
03:08Not even a, dear Gertrude Perkins.
03:11Thank you for your book.
03:12Get stuffed, Samuel Johnson.
03:14Gertrude Perkins?
03:15Yes, I gave myself a female pseudonym.
03:18Everybody's doing it these days.
03:19Mrs Radcliffe, Jane Austen.
03:22What, Jane Austen's a man?
03:23Of course.
03:24A huge Yorkshireman with a beard like a rhododendron.
03:28Oh, quite a small one, then.
03:30Well, compared to Dorothy Wordsworth, certainly.
03:33James Boswell is the only real woman writing at the moment.
03:35And that's just because she wants to get inside Johnson's britches.
03:39Perhaps your book really isn't any good.
03:41Oh, codwollop.
03:42It's taken me seven years and it's perfect.
03:45Edmund, a butler's tale.
03:47A giant rollercoaster of a novel in 400 sizzling chapters.
03:51A searing indictment of domestic servitude in the 18th century
03:55with some hot gypsies thrown in.
03:58My magnum opus, Boric.
04:00Everybody has one novel in them and this is mine.
04:03And this is mine.
04:05My magnificent octopus.
04:08This is your novel, Boric.
04:10Yeah, I can't stand long books.
04:12Once upon a time there was a lovely little sausage called Boric.
04:17And it lived happily ever after.
04:21It's semi-autobiographical.
04:23And it's completely, utterly awful.
04:25Dr Johnson will probably love it.
04:29Oh, speak of the devil.
04:31Well, I'd better go and make the great doctor comfortable.
04:34Let's just see how damn smart Dr Fatty know-it-all really is.
04:39Oh, and prepare a fire for the prince, Boric.
04:41What shall I use?
04:43Oh, any old rubbish will do.
04:44The paper's quite good.
04:45Here.
04:45Try this, we're starting.
04:50Enter.
04:51Dr Johnson, your highness.
04:53Ah, Dr Johnson.
04:54Damn cold day.
04:55Indeed it is, sir, but a verified one.
04:57For I celebrated last night the encyclopedic implementation of my premeditated orchestration of demotic Anglo-Saxon.
05:06Nope, didn't catch any of that.
05:08Well, I simply observe, sir, that I am felicitous.
05:10Since during the course of the penultimate solar sojourn, I terminated my uninterrupted categorization of the vocabulary of our post
05:18-Norman tongue.
05:21Well, I don't know what you're talking about, but it sounds damn saucy, you lucky thing.
05:25I know some fairly liberal-minded girls, but I've never penultimated any of them in that solar sojourn.
05:30If that hadn't been given any Norman tongue.
05:35I believe, sir, that the doctor is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his
05:39book.
05:40It has apparently taken him ten years.
05:43Yes, well, I'm a slow reader myself.
05:48Here it is, sir, the very cornerstone of English scholarship.
05:52This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language.
05:56Every single one, sir?
05:58Every single word, sir.
06:00Well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer the doctor my most enthusiastic
06:05contrafibularities.
06:09Contrafibularities, sir? It is a common word down our way.
06:14Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm anuspeptic, phrasmotic, even compunctuous to have caused you such pericombolation.
06:24What? What? What? What?
06:26What are you on about, Blair? This is all beginning to sound a bit like Dago talked to me.
06:30I'm sorry, sir, I merely wished to congratulate the doctor on not having left out a single word.
06:36Shall I fetch the tea, Johannes?
06:37Yes, yes. And get that damn fire up here, will you?
06:40Certainly, sir. I shall return intrafastically.
06:46So, Dr Johnson, sit you down. Now, this book of yours, tell me, what's it all about?
06:52It is a book about the English language, sir.
06:55I see. And the hero's name is what?
06:58There is no hero, sir.
07:00No hero? Well, lucky I reminded you. Better put one in, pronto.
07:03So, um, call him George. George is a good name for a hero.
07:07Now, what about heroines?
07:08There is no heroine, sir, unless it is our Mother Tongue.
07:12The mother's the heroine. Nice twist.
07:14How far have we got, then? Old Mother Tongue is in love with George, the hero.
07:18Now, what about murders? Mother Tongue doesn't get murdered, does she?
07:20No, she doesn't. No one gets murdered, or married, or in a tricky situation over a pound note.
07:26Well, now, look, Dr Johnson, I may be as thick as a whale omelette, but even I know.
07:31A book's got to have a plot.
07:33Not this one, sir. It is a book that tells you what English words mean.
07:37I know what English words mean. I speak English. You must be a bit of a thicko.
07:42Perhaps you would rather not be patron of my book, if you can see no value in it whatsoever, sir.
07:46Well, perhaps so, sir. As it sounds to me, as if my being patron of this complete culpat of a
07:51book
07:51will set the seal once and for all on my reputation as an utter turnip head.
07:56Well, it is a reputation well desert, sir. Farewell.
08:02Leaving already, Doctor? Not staying for your appendage statuary interludicule.
08:08No, sir. Show me out.
08:10Certainly, sir. Anything I can do to facilitate your velocitous extramuralisation.
08:16You will regret this doubly, sir. Not only have you impeculiated my dictionary,
08:21but you have also lost the chance to act as patron to the only book in the world that is
08:25even better.
08:26Oh, and what is that, sir? Dictionary two?
08:30The return of the killer dictionary.
08:32No, sir. It is Edmund, a butler's tale of Gertrude Poets.
08:37A huge rollercoaster of a novel crammed with sizzling gypsies.
08:43Had you supported it, sir, it would have made you and me and Gertrude millionaires.
08:48Millionaires.
08:51But it was not for me, sir. I fare you well, I shall not return.
08:55Excuse me, sir. Er, Doctor Johnson.
08:59A word, I beg you. A word with you, sir, can mean seven million syllables.
09:03You might start now and not be finished by bedtime.
09:06Oh! Blast my eyes! In my fury I have left my dictionary with your foolish master. Go fetch it, will
09:11you?
09:11Sir, the prince is young and foolish and has a peanut for a brain.
09:16Give me just a few minutes and I will deliver both the book and his patronage.
09:20Oh, will you, sir? I very much doubt it.
09:23A servant who was an influence for the good is like a dog who speaks. Very rare.
09:27I think I can change his mind.
09:29Hmm. Well, I'd like it, sir.
09:31A man who can change a prince's mind is like a dog who speaks Norwegian. Even rarer.
09:36I shall be at Mrs. Miggins' literary salon in twenty minutes. Bring the book there.
09:41Your Highness, may I offer my congratulations?
09:43Well, thanks, Black Adam. That pompous baboon won't be back in a hurry.
09:47Oh, on the contrary, sir. Dr. Johnson left in the highest of spirits.
09:51What?
09:51He is utterly thrilled at your promise to patronise his dictionary.
09:56I told him to sod off, didn't I?
09:58Yes, sir. But that was a joke. Sure enough.
10:01Was it?
10:02Certainly. And a brilliant one, what's more?
10:05Yes. Yes. I suppose it was rather, wasn't it?
10:09So may I deliver your note of patronage to Dr. Johnson as promised?
10:13Well, of course. If that's what I promised, then that's what I must do.
10:15And I remember promising it distinctly.
10:17Excellent. Nice fire, Baldrick.
10:19Thank you, Mr. B.
10:20Right. Let's get the book.
10:22Now, Baldrick, where's the manuscript?
10:25You mean the big papery thing tied up with string?
10:27Yes, Baldrick, the manuscript belonging to Dr. Johnson.
10:30You mean the baity fellow in the black coat who just left?
10:33Yes, Baldrick, Dr. Johnson.
10:35So you're asking where the big papery thing tied up with string
10:38belonging to the baity fellow in the black coat who just left is?
10:42Yes, Baldrick, I am.
10:43And if you don't answer, then the booted bony thing with five toes on the end of my leg
10:49will soon connect sharply with a soft dangly collection of objects in your shop.
10:56For the last time, Baldrick, where is Dr. Johnson's manuscript?
11:00On the fire.
11:02What the what?
11:03The hot orangey thing under the staining mantis.
11:06You've burnt the dictionary?
11:08Yup.
11:09You've burnt the life's work of England's foremost man of letters?
11:13Well, you did say burn any old rubbish.
11:15Yes, fine.
11:17Isn't it a bit difficult for me to patronise this book if we burnt it?
11:22Yes, it is.
11:24If you would excuse me a moment.
11:25Of course, of course.
11:26Now I've got my lovely fire.
11:28I'm as happy as a Frenchman who's invented a pair of self-removing trousers.
11:31Baldrick, would you join me in the vestibule?
11:38We are going to go to Mrs. McGinn's.
11:40We're going to find out where Dr. Johnson keeps a copy of that dictionary,
11:43and then you are going to steal it.
11:44Me?
11:45Yes, you.
11:45Why me?
11:46Because you burnt it, Baldrick.
11:48But then I'll go to hell forever for stealing.
11:50Baldrick, believe me, eternity and the company of Beelzebub,
11:54and all his hellish instruments of death,
11:57will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me and this pencil.
12:02If we can't replace this dictionary.
12:05Now, come on.
12:06Oh, lovelorn ecstasy, that is Mrs. McGinn's.
12:09Will thou bring me but one cup of the brownie juicings
12:12of that naughty bean we call coffee ere I die?
12:15Oh!
12:17Oh, you do have a way of words with you, Mr. Shelley.
12:20To hell with this fine-talking coffee woman!
12:22My consumption grows ever more acute and Coleridge's drugs are wearing off.
12:27Oh, Mr. Byron, don't be such a big girl's blouse.
12:33Don't forget the pencil.
12:35Oh, I certainly won't, sir.
12:38Ah, good day to you, Mrs. McGinn.
12:41A cup of your best hot water with brown grit in it.
12:45Unless, of course, by some miracle your coffee shop has started selling coffee.
12:48Be quiet, sir!
12:49Can't you see we're dying?
12:51Don't you worry about my poets, Mr. Blackadder.
12:53They're not dead.
12:54They're just being intellectual.
12:57Mrs. McGinn's, there's nothing intellectual about wandering around Italy in a big shirt trying to get laid.
13:02Why are they here, of all places?
13:03We are here, sir, to pay homage to the great Dr. Johnson, as, sir, should you.
13:08Oh, well, absolutely. Um, I intend to.
13:10Ah, you wouldn't happen to have a copy of his dictionary on you, would you?
13:13So I can do some revising before he gets here.
13:15Friends!
13:16I am returned.
13:18Hooray!
13:19So, sir, how was the prince?
13:21The prince was and is an utter fool, and his household filled with cretinous savages.
13:26Hooray!
13:28Hooray!
13:29Good afternoon, sir.
13:29And you are the worst of them, sir.
13:31After all your boasting, have you my dictionary and my patronage?
13:35Not quite.
13:36The prince begs just a few more hours to really get to grips with it.
13:39Bah!
13:40Bah!
13:41However, I was wondering if a lowly servant, such as I, might be permitted to glance at a copy.
13:46Copy?
13:46Copy?
13:47There is no copy, sir.
13:49No copy?
13:50No, sir.
13:50Making a copy is like fitting wheels to a tomato.
13:54Time-consuming and completely unnecessary.
13:57But what if the book got lost?
13:59I should not lose the book, sir.
14:00And if any other man should, I would tear off his head with my bare hands and feed it to
14:06the cat.
14:08Well, that's nice and clear.
14:10And I, Lord Byron, would summon a fifty of my men, lay siege to the Pharaoh's house and do bloody
14:16murder on him.
14:17And I would not rest until the criminal was hanging by his hair with an oriental disemboweling cutlass thrust up
14:23his ignoble behind.
14:25I hope you're listening to all this boring.
14:31Sir, I have been unable to replace the dictionary.
14:34I am therefore leaving immediately for Nepal, where I intend to live as a goat.
14:41Why?
14:42Because if I stay here, Dr Johnson's companions will have me brutally murdered, sir.
14:47Good God, Blackadder, that's terrible.
14:49Do you know any other butlers?
14:51And of course, when the people discover that you have burnt Dr Johnson's dictionary, they may go around saying,
14:56Look, there's thick George. He's got a brain the size of a weasel's wedding tackle.
15:03Well, in that case, something must be done.
15:05I have a cunning plan, sir.
15:08Hurrah!
15:09Well, that's that then.
15:10I wouldn't get overexcited, sir.
15:13I have a hard suspicion that Baldrick's plan will be the stupidest thing we've heard.
15:17Since Lord Nelson's famous signal at the Battle of the Nile,
15:21England knows Lady Hamilton is a virgin.
15:23Poke my eye out and cut off my arm if I'm wrong.
15:27Oh, brilliant.
15:29Let's hear it then.
15:31It's brilliant.
15:33You take the string, that's still not completely burnt, you scrape off the soot and you shove the pages in
15:40again.
15:41Which pages?
15:43Well, not the same ones, of course.
15:44Yes, I think I'm on the point of spotting the flaw in this plan.
15:48Well, do go on.
15:50Which pages are they?
15:51Well, this is the brilliant bit.
15:52You write some new ones.
15:55Some new ones.
15:56You mean rewrite the dictionary.
15:58I sit down tonight and rewrite the dictionary that took Dr. Johnson ten years.
16:03Yep.
16:04Orrick, that is by far and away and without a shadow of doubt.
16:07The worst and most contemptible plan in the history of the universe.
16:12On the other hand, I hear the sound of disembowelling cutlasses being sharpened.
16:17It's the only plan we've got.
16:19So if you will excuse me, gentlemen.
16:21Perhaps you'd like me to lend a hand, Blackadder.
16:23I'm not as stupid as I look.
16:24I am as stupid as I look, sir.
16:27But if I can help, I will.
16:28Well, it's very kind of you both.
16:30But I fear your services might be as useful as a barber shop on the steps of the guillotine.
16:35Oh, Blackadder.
16:36Give us a try.
16:38Very well, sir.
16:39As you wish.
16:40Let's start at the beginning, shall we?
16:41First, A.
16:42How would you define A?
16:45Oh, I love this.
16:46I love this.
16:46Quizzes.
16:47Hang on.
16:49Crikey.
16:51Oh, yes, I've got it.
16:52What?
16:52Well, it doesn't really mean anything, does it?
16:57Good.
16:57So, we're well on the way, then.
17:00A.
17:01Impersonal pronoun.
17:02Doesn't really mean anything.
17:05Right, next.
17:05A.
17:06A-B.
17:07A-B.
17:08Well, it's a buzzing thing, isn't it?
17:10A.
17:11Buzzing.
17:12Thing.
17:14I mean, something that starts with A-B.
17:17Honey?
17:17Honey starts with A-B.
17:20He's right, you know, Blackadder.
17:21Honey does start with a B.
17:22And a flower, too.
17:23Yes, look.
17:24This really isn't getting anywhere.
17:25And besides, I've left out Aardvark.
17:28Oh, well, can't say we didn't give it a try.
17:30No, Your Highness, it was a brave stab.
17:31But I fear I must proceed on my own.
17:34Now, Baldrick, go to the kitchen and make me something quick and simple to eat, would you?
17:37Two slices of bread with something in between.
17:38What, like Gerald Lord Sandwich had the other day?
17:41Yes, a few rounds of Gerald.
17:51How goes it, Blackadder?
17:52Not all that well, sir.
17:54Well, let's have a look.
17:56Medium-sized insectivore with protruding nasal implements.
18:02Doesn't sound much like a B to me.
18:03It's an Aardvark!
18:05Can't you see that, Your Highness?
18:06It's a bloody Aardvark!
18:08Dear, still on Aardvark, are we?
18:10Yes, I'm afraid we are.
18:12And if I ever meet an Aardvark, I'm going to step on its damn protruding nasal implement
18:16until it couldn't suck up an insect if its life depended on it.
18:19A bit stuck, have you?
18:20I'm sorry, sir.
18:22It's five hours later and I've got every word in the English language except A and Aardvark
18:26still to do.
18:27And I'm not very happy with my definition of eyes at all.
18:31Well, don't panic, Blackadder, because I have some rather good news.
18:35Oh, what?
18:36Well, we didn't take no for an answer and have, in fact, been working all night.
18:40I've done B.
18:41Really?
18:42And how have you got on?
18:43Well, I had a bit of trouble with belching, but I think I got it sorted out in the end.
18:48Oh, no!
18:49There I go again!
18:54You've been working on that joke for some time, haven't you?
18:57Well, yes, I have, as a matter of fact, yes.
18:59Since you started?
19:00Basically.
19:00So, in fact, you haven't done any work at all?
19:02Not as such, no.
19:04Great.
19:05Baldrick, what have you done?
19:06I've done C and D.
19:08Right, let's have it then.
19:09Right.
19:11Big blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in.
19:16C.
19:19Yes.
19:21Tiny misunderstanding, still, my hopes weren't high.
19:26No, and what about D?
19:27I'm quite pleased with dog.
19:28Yes, and your definition of dog is?
19:30Not a cat.
19:35Excellent.
19:37Excellent.
19:38Your Highness, may I have a word?
19:40Certainly.
19:41As you know, sir, it has always been my intention to stay with you until you had a strapping
19:45son, and I one likewise, to take over the burdens of my duties.
19:48That's right, Blackadder, and I thank you for it.
19:49But I'm afraid, sir, that there's been a change of plan.
19:52I'm off to the kitchen to hack my head off with a big knife.
19:55Oh, come on, Blackadder!
19:57It's only a book!
19:59Let's just damn the fellow's eyes, strip the britches from his backside, and warm his
20:03heels to Putney Bridge!
20:05Hurrah!
20:06Sir, these are not the days of Alfred the Great.
20:08You can't just lop someone's head off and blame it on the Vikings.
20:11Can't I, by God?
20:12No.
20:13Oh, well, all right.
20:14Then let's just get on with it.
20:15I mean, boil my brains.
20:16It's only a dictionary.
20:18No one's asked us to eat ten raw pigs for breakfast.
20:21Good Lord, I mean, we're British, aren't we?
20:24You're not, you're Joan.
20:27Get me some coffee, boy.
20:28If I fall asleep before Monday, we're doomed.
20:34Mr Blackadder, time to wake up.
20:37What time is it?
20:38Monday morning.
20:40Monday morning?
20:40Oh, my God, I've overslept.
20:42Where's the quill?
20:43Where's the parchment?
20:44I don't know.
20:44Maybe Dr Johnson's got some with him.
20:46What?
20:47He's outside.
20:48Ow!
20:49I will, sir.
20:50No, you can't have it.
20:51I know I said Monday, but I want Balric to read it.
20:54Which, unfortunately, will mean teaching him to read.
20:57Which will take about ten years.
20:58But time well spent, I think, because it's such a very good dictionary.
21:01I don't think so.
21:02Oh, God, we've been burgled!
21:04What?
21:05I think it's an awful dictionary, full of feeble definitions and ridiculous verbiage.
21:10I've come to ask you to chuck that damn thing in the fire.
21:13Are you sure?
21:13I've never been more sure of anything in my life, sir.
21:16I love you, Dr Johnson, and I want to have your babies.
21:22Sorry, excuse me, Dr Johnson, but my Auntie Marjorie's just arrived.
21:26Balric, who gave you permission to turn into an Alsatian?
21:30Oh, God, it's a dream, isn't it?
21:33It's a bloody dream.
21:36Dr Johnson doesn't want us to burn his dictionary at all.
21:45It's a blackadder, time to wake up.
21:49Monday morning.
21:50Monday morning?
21:50Oh, my God, I've overslept!
21:52Where's the quill?
21:53Where's the parchment?
21:54I don't know, maybe Dr Johnson's got some with him.
21:56What?
21:57He's outside.
21:59No, hang on.
22:00Hang on.
22:01If we go on like this, you're going to turn into an Alsatian again.
22:05Oh, my God.
22:07Quick, Balric, we've got to escape.
22:08Oh, sir, bring out the dictionary at once.
22:10Bring it out, sir.
22:11In my passion, I shall kill everyone by giving them syphilis.
22:14Bring it out, sir.
22:15And also any opium plants you may have around there.
22:18Bring it out, sir.
22:19We shall break down the door.
22:21Hi, good morning, Dr Johnson.
22:23Where is my dictionary?
22:24And what dictionary would this be?
22:26The one that has taken 18 hours of every day for the last 10 years.
22:30My mother died, I hardly noticed.
22:32My father cut off his head and fried it in garlic in the hope of attracting my attention.
22:35I scarcely looked up from my work.
22:37My wife brought armies of lovers to the house who worked in droves so that she might bring up a
22:41huge family of bastards.
22:43I cannot.
22:45Am I to presume that my elaborate bluff has not worked?
22:48Dictionary!
22:49Right.
22:50Well, the truth is, Doctor.
22:51Now, don't get cross.
22:52Don't overreact.
22:52The truth is, we burnt it.
22:54Then you die!
22:57Morning, everyone.
22:58You know, this dictionary really is a cracking good read.
23:01It's an absolutely splendid job.
23:03My dictionary.
23:05But you, sir, you burnt it.
23:07Um...
23:07I think it's a splendid book and I look forward to patronising it enormously.
23:10Oh, well, thank you, sir.
23:12Well, I think I'm man enough to sacrifice the pleasure of killing to maintain the general good humour.
23:16There's to be no murder today.
23:18Yes, sir.
23:18But prepare to Mrs. Miggins.
23:20I shall join you there later for a roister you will never forget.
23:25So, tell me, sir.
23:27What words particularly interested you?
23:29Oh, er...
23:30Nothing.
23:30Anything, really.
23:31Yeah, I see you underlined a few.
23:34Bloomers.
23:35Bottom.
23:37Burp.
23:39Fart.
23:40Fiddle.
23:40Fornicate.
23:41Sir, I hope you are not using the first English dictionary to look up rude words.
23:45I wouldn't be too hopeful.
23:47That's what all the other ones will be used for.
23:49Sir, can I look up turnip?
23:51Turnip isn't a rude word, Baldrick.
23:53It is if you sit on one.
23:55Really, sir.
23:56Do we have more important business in hand?
23:58I refer, of course, to the works of the mysterious Gertrude Perkins.
24:02Mysterious? No more, sir.
24:04It is time for the truth.
24:05I can at last reveal the identity of the great Gertrude Perkins.
24:09Sir, who is she?
24:10She, sir, is me, sir.
24:12I am Gertrude Perkins.
24:14Good Lord!
24:15And what's more, I can prove it.
24:16Bring out the manuscript, and I will show you that my signature corresponds exactly with
24:20that on the front.
24:22Why, I must have left it here when I left the dictionary.
24:24This is terribly exciting.
24:27That's my novel.
24:28Novel?
24:29Yes, Baldrick.
24:30The big papery thing tied up with string.
24:31What?
24:32Like the thing we burnt?
24:33Exactly like the thing we burnt.
24:35So you're asking for the big papery thing tied up with string exactly like the thing we burnt?
24:41Exactly.
24:42We burnt it.
24:44So we did.
24:46Thank you, Baldrick.
24:48Seven years of my life up in smoke.
24:50Your Highness, would you excuse me a moment?
24:52By all means.
24:57Oh, God, no!
25:00Thank you, sir.
25:01Burnt, you say?
25:02That's most inconvenient.
25:04A burnt novel is like a burnt dog.
25:06Oh, shut up!
25:08Sir, I have a novel.
25:13Once upon a time there was a lovely little sausage called...
25:16Sausage?
25:18Sausage!
25:19Blast your eyes!
25:22Oh.
25:23Well, I didn't think it was that bad.
25:25I think you'll find he left sausage out of his diction.
25:30Oh.
25:32And aardvark.
25:34Oh, come on, Blackadder.
25:35It's not all that bad.
25:36Nothing a nice roaring fire can't salt.
25:39Uh, Baldrick, do the honours, will you?
25:40Certainly, Your Majesty.
25:41I think all of them...
25:42Oh.