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00:15BALDRICK
00:15Baldrick, what are you doing out there?
00:17I'm carving something on this bullet, sir.
00:19What are you carving?
00:20I'm carving Baldrick, sir.
00:23Why?
00:24It's a cunning plan, actually.
00:26Of course it is.
00:27You see, you know they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it.
00:33Yes.
00:34Well, I thought if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'd never get hit by it.
00:39Because I won't ever shoot myself.
00:42Oh, shame.
00:44The chances of there being two bullets with my name on them are very small indeed.
00:49Yes, it's not the only thing around here that's very small indeed.
00:53Your brain, for example, is so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open,
00:58it wouldn't be enough inside to cover a small water biscuit.
01:04Tally-ho, Pip-Pip and Bernard's your uncle.
01:06In English we say good morning.
01:08Look what I got for you, sir.
01:10What?
01:11It's the latest issue of King and Country.
01:13Oh!
01:14Damn inspiring stuff.
01:15The magazine that tells the Tommies the truth about the war.
01:17Or, alternatively, the greatest work of fiction since vows of fidelity were included in the French marriage service.
01:24Come come, sir.
01:25Now, you can't deny that this fine newspaper is good for the morale of the men.
01:28Certainly not.
01:29I just think that more could be achieved by giving them some real toilet paper.
01:33Not with you at all, sir.
01:34What could any patriotic chap have against this magnificent mag?
01:37Apart from his bottom?
01:38Yes.
01:40Well, look at it.
01:41I mean, the stuff's about as convincing as Dr Crippen's defence lawyer.
01:45The British Tommies are all portrayed as six foot six with biceps the size of Bournemouth.
01:51Thoroughly inspiring stuff.
01:52I don't know, sir.
01:53It's also just a ride for you this morning.
01:57Hmm.
01:58Do you know what this is, Lieutenant?
01:59It's a good old service revolver.
02:01Wrong.
02:02It's a brand new service revolver, which I've suspiciously been sent without asking for it.
02:07I smell something fishy.
02:08And I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble.
02:14That's funny, sir, because we didn't order those new trench climbing ladders either.
02:18New ladders?
02:19No, it came yesterday.
02:20I issued them to the mayor and they were absolutely thrilled.
02:22Isn't that right, men?
02:23Yes, sir.
02:24First solid fuel we've had since we burned the castle.
02:28Something's going on.
02:29And I think I can make an educated guess what it is.
02:32Something which you, George, would find hard to do.
02:34True, true.
02:35When I was at school, education could go hang as long as a boy could hit a six, sing the
02:40school song very loud, and take a hot trumpet from behind without blobbing.
02:44Now, on the other hand, I'm a fully rounded human being, with a degree from the University
02:48of Life, a diploma from the School of Hard Knocks, and three gold stars from the kindergarten
02:53of getting the shit kicked out of me.
02:55And my instincts lead me to deduce that we are at last about to go over the top.
03:00Great stutter!
03:01You mean the moment's finally arrived for us to give Harry Han a darn good British-style
03:06thrashing, six of the best, trousers down?
03:08I mean, are we all going to get killed?
03:10Yes.
03:11Clearly, Field Marshal Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan effort to move his drinks
03:16cabinet six inches closer to Berlin.
03:19Bravo-issimo!
03:20Well, let's make a start, eh?
03:21Up and over to glory.
03:23Last one in Berlin's a rotten egg.
03:25Give me your helmet, Lieutenant.
03:36Yes, some sort of clever hat camouflage might be in order.
03:41Permission to speak, sir?
03:42Granted, with a due sense of exhaustion and dread.
03:46I have a cunning plan to get us out of getting killed, sir.
03:49Oh, yes.
03:50What is it?
03:50Cooking.
03:51I see.
03:53Well, no staff HQ's always on the lookout for good cooks.
03:57Well, we go over there, we cook them something, and we get out of the trenches that way.
04:01Baldrick, it's a brilliant plan.
04:03Is it?
04:03Yes, it's superb.
04:05Permission to ride home immediately, sir.
04:07This is the first brilliant plan a Baldrick's ever had.
04:10For centuries we've tried, and they've always turned out to be total pig swill.
04:14My mother will be as pleased as Punch.
04:17Hmm.
04:17If only she were as good-looking as Punch, Baldrick.
04:20There is, however, one slight flaw in the plan.
04:23Oh.
04:24You're the worst cook in the entire world.
04:26Oh, yeah, that's right.
04:28There are amoeba on Saturn who could boil a better egg than you.
04:32Your filet mignon in sauce Bernays look like dog turds in blue.
04:37That's because they are.
04:39Your plum duff tastes like it's a molehill decorated with rabbit droppings.
04:44I thought you wouldn't notice.
04:46And your cream custard has the texture of cat's vomit.
04:49Again, it's...
04:51If you were to serve one of your meals in Staff HQ, you'd be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning
04:56since Lucretia Borgia invited 500 of her close friends round for a wine and anthrax party.
05:02Now we'll have to think of a better plan than that.
05:04Right. How about a nice meal while you chew it amber?
05:08What's on the menu?
05:10Rat.
05:11Sauté or ficusé?
05:13Oh, the agony of choice.
05:17Sautéed involved?
05:18Well, you take the freshly shaved rat and you marinate it in a puddle for a while.
05:23For how long?
05:25Until it's drowned.
05:26Then you stretch it out under a hot light bulb, then you get within dashing distance of the latrine and
05:32you scoff it right down.
05:34So that's sautéing and ficuséing?
05:36Exactly the same. Just a slightly bigger rat.
05:40Well, call me old Mr. Unadventurous, but I think I'll give it a mistless one.
05:44Fair enough, sir. More for the rest of us, eh, sir?
05:47Absolutely private.
05:48Tally-ho, barf, barf!
05:51Hello, the Savoy Grill.
05:55No, it's you.
05:56Yes.
05:57Yes, I'll be over in 40 minutes.
05:59Who was it then, sir?
06:00Strangely enough, Warwick, it was Pope Gregory IX,
06:04inviting me for drinks aboard his steam yacht, the Saucy Sioux,
06:08currently wintering in Montego Bay with the England cricket team and the Balinese goddess of plenty.
06:14Really?
06:15No, not really.
06:16I've been ordered to HQ.
06:18No doubt that idiot General Melchett is about to offer me some attractive new opportunities
06:23to have my brains blown out for Britain.
06:33What do you want, darling?
06:37It's Captain, darling, to you.
06:39General Melchett wants to see you about a highly important secret mission.
06:42What's going on, darling?
06:44Captain Blackadder to see you, sir.
06:45Ah, excellent.
06:47Just a short back and sides today, I think.
06:50That's Corporal Black, sir.
06:52Captain Blackadder is here about the other matter, sir, the secret matter.
06:55Ah, yes, the special mission.
06:57At ease, Blackadder.
06:59Now, what I'm about to tell you is absolutely tip-top secret.
07:04Is that clear?
07:04It is, sir.
07:05Now, I've compiled a list of those with security clearance.
07:08Have you got it, darling?
07:09Yes, sir.
07:10Read it, please.
07:12It's top security, sir.
07:13I think that's all the captain needs to know.
07:14George Schutz, let's share the list in full.
07:17Very well, sir.
07:19List of personnel cleared for Mission Gainsborough, as dictated by General C. H. Melchett.
07:24You and me, darling, obviously.
07:27Field Marshal Haig.
07:28Field Marshal Haig's wife.
07:29All Field Marshal Haig's wife's friends.
07:31Their families.
07:32Their family's servants.
07:33Their family's servants' tennis partners.
07:36And some chap I bumped into in the mess the other day called Bernard.
07:40So, it's maximum security, is that clear?
07:43Quite clear, sir.
07:44Only myself and the rest of the English-speaking world is to know.
07:47Good man.
07:48Now, Field Marshal Haig has formulated a brilliant new tactical plan to ensure final victory in the field.
07:56Ah.
07:57Will this brilliant plan involve us climbing out of our trenches and walking very slowly towards the enemy, sir?
08:02How could you possibly know that, Blackadder? It's classified information.
08:06It's the same plan that we used last time, and the 17 times before that.
08:12Exactly!
08:12And that is what is so brilliant about it.
08:16It will catch the watchful Han Todeli-Ufgar.
08:19Doing precisely what we've done 18 times before is exactly the last thing they'll expect us to do this time.
08:25There is, however, one small problem.
08:28That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first 10 seconds.
08:30That's right.
08:31And Field Marshal Haig is worried that this may be depressing the men a tad.
08:36He's looking to find a way to cheer them up.
08:39Well, his resignation and suicide would seem the opposite.
08:43Interesting thought. Make a note of it, darling.
08:45Take a look at this.
08:46I'm sure you know it.
08:47King and country.
08:49Ah, yes.
08:50Without question, my favourite magazine.
08:52Soft, strong, and thoroughly absorbent.
08:56So, pal, Blackadder, I thought it would be right up your alley.
09:03Field Marshal Haig's plan is this.
09:05To commission a man to do an especially stirring painting for the cover of the next issue,
09:11so as to really inspire the men for the final push.
09:14What I want you to do, Blackadder,
09:16is to labour night and day to find a first-rate artist from amongst your men.
09:20Impossible, sir.
09:21I know from long experience that my men have all the artistic talent
09:24of a cluster of colour-blind hedgehogs in a bag.
09:31Well, that's a bit of a blur.
09:32We needed a man to leave the trenches immediately.
09:34Leave the trenches.
09:36Yes. I wonder if you've enjoyed, as I have, sir,
09:40that marvellous painting in the National Portrait Gallery,
09:42Bag Interior,
09:44by the colour-blind hedgehog workshop of Siena.
09:48I'm sorry, are you saying you can find this man?
09:50I think I can.
09:52And might I suggest, sir, that having left the trenches,
09:54it might be a good idea to post our man to Paris
09:57in order to soak up a little of the artistic atmosphere,
10:00perhaps even Tahiti, I don't know,
10:02it serves to produce a real masterpiece.
10:05Yes, yes, but can you find the man?
10:07Now I know I can, sir.
10:09Before you can say sunflowers, I'll have Vincent van Gogh standing before you.
10:18No, don't stop, sir. It's coming. It's definitely coming.
10:21I...
10:24I just wonder whether two socks and a hand grenade
10:28is really the sort of thing that covers of king and country are made of.
10:30There will be when I've painted them being shoved up the Kaiser's backside.
10:34Ah, now, now, this is interesting.
10:37What is?
10:37Well, Private Baldrick is obviously a bit of an impressionist.
10:40The only decent impression he can do is of a man with no talent.
10:44What's it called, Baldrick? The Vomiting Cavalier?
10:49No, sir, that's not supposed to be vomit. It's dabs of light.
10:52No, it's vomit.
10:55So why did you choose that?
10:56You told me to, sir.
10:57Did I?
10:58Yeah, you told me to paint whatever comes from within.
11:01So I did my breakfast.
11:04Look, there's a little tomato.
11:06Focus.
11:07If only I'd paid attention in nursery art class
11:09instead of spending my entire time
11:11manufacturing papier-mâché willies to frighten Sarah Lewis.
11:15You know, it's funny, but painting was the only thing I was ever really good at.
11:18I'm not a pity you didn't keep it up.
11:20Well, as a matter of fact, I did, actually.
11:22I mean...
11:23Normally, of course, I wouldn't show them to anyone
11:25because they're just embarrassing daubs, really.
11:28They give me pleasure.
11:30I'm embarrassed to show them to you now, as it happens.
11:32But there you go.
11:32For what they're worth, to be honest, I should have my hands cut off.
11:36I mean...
11:36George, these are brilliant!
11:38Why didn't you tell us about these before?
11:40Well, you know.
11:41Doesn't like to blow one's own trumpet.
11:43You might at least have told us you had a trumpet.
11:47These paintings could spell my way out of the trenches.
11:49Yours?
11:51That's right.
11:52Ours.
11:53All we have to do is paint something heroic to appeal to the simple-minded Tommy.
11:58Over to you, Baldrick.
12:00Erm, how about a noble Tommy standing with a look of horror and disgust over the body of a murdered
12:07nun,
12:07what's been brutally done over by a nasty old German?
12:12Excellent.
12:12I...
12:12I can see it now.
12:14The nun and the hun.
12:16No time to lose.
12:17George, set up your easel.
12:19Baldrick and I will pose.
12:20This is going to be Art's greatest moment since Mona Lisa sat down and told Leonardo da Vinci she was
12:25in a slightly odd mood.
12:27Baldrick, you lie down in the mud and be the nun.
12:29I'm not lying down there.
12:30It's all wet.
12:31Well, let's put it this way.
12:32Either you lie down and get wet, or you knock down and get a broken nose.
12:36Actually, it's not that wet, is it?
12:38No.
12:41Who are you going to be then, sir, the noble Tommy?
12:44Precisely.
12:44Standing over the body of the rubbish nun.
12:47I want a wimple.
12:47Well, you should have gone before we started the picture.
12:49You know, the funny thing is, my father was a nun.
12:55No, he wasn't.
12:56He was so, sir.
12:58I know.
12:58Because whenever he was up in court and the judge used to say occupation, he'd say none.
13:07Right, you ready?
13:08Just about that, yes.
13:09Um, if you'd just like to pop your clothes on the stool.
13:14I'm sorry?
13:15Just pop your clothes on the stool over there.
13:17You mean, you want me tackle out?
13:23Of course, sir, yes.
13:24If I can remind you of the realities of battle, George, one of the first things that everyone notices is
13:29that all the protagonists have got their clothes on.
13:31Neither we nor the Hun favour fighting our battles au naturel.
13:36Sir, it's artistic license.
13:38It's willing suspension of disbelief.
13:40Well, I'm not having anyone staring in disbelief at my willy suspension.
13:45Now get on and paint the bloody thing sharpish.
13:51Brilliant, George.
13:52It's a masterpiece.
13:54The wimple sitch, you boy.
13:55By completely covers my face.
13:58Exactly.
13:59Now, men.
14:00General Melchard will be here at any moment.
14:02When he arrives, leave the talking to me, all right?
14:04I like to keep an informal trench, as you know.
14:06But today, you must only speak with my express permission.
14:10Is that clear?
14:11Is that clear?
14:14Permission to speak.
14:15Yes, sir.
14:15Yes, sir.
14:16Absolutely, sir.
14:17Attention!
14:20Duck out!
14:22Attention!
14:25Excellent.
14:25At ease.
14:26Now then, Blackadder, where would you like me to sit?
14:29I thought just a simple trim of the moustache today.
14:30Nothing drastic.
14:31No, sir.
14:32Will you hear about the painting, sir?
14:34Oh, yes.
14:34Of course.
14:35The gourd!
14:36George!
14:38How are you, my boy?
14:42I said, how are you?
14:43Permission to speak.
14:45Absolutely.
14:45Top holes are with a ying and a yang and a yippity-doo.
14:49Splendid!
14:50And your Uncle Betty sends his regards.
14:52I told them you could have a week off in April.
14:54Don't want you missing the boat race, do we?
14:56Permission to speak?
14:57Certainly not.
14:58Permission to sing boisterously, sir?
15:00If you must.
15:02Ro, ro, ro, you punt, gently down the stream.
15:05Belts off, trousers down, ears of life a scream.
15:13Fabulous.
15:13University education.
15:14You can't beat it.
15:16Bravo.
15:17Now, what have we here?
15:19Name?
15:20Permission to speak.
15:22Baldrick, sir.
15:23Go tally-ho, yibbity-dap and zing-zang-spillip.
15:26Looking forward to bullying off for the final chucker?
15:30Permission to speak?
15:34Answer the general, Baldrick.
15:36I can't answer him, sir.
15:37I don't know what he's talking about.
15:40Are you looking forward to the big push?
15:44No, sir, I'm absolutely terrified.
15:48The healthy humour of the honest Tommy.
15:51Don't worry, my boy.
15:53If you should falter, remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you.
15:57About 35 miles behind you.
16:00Right, well, stand by your beds.
16:02Let's have a look at this artist of yours, Blackadder.
16:05Next to me, darling.
16:06Thank you, sir.
16:07Have you found someone?
16:08Yes, sir.
16:09I think I have.
16:10None other than young George here.
16:13Oh, brother.
16:14Well, let's have a shifty, then.
16:15It's simply called War.
16:19Damn silly title, George.
16:22Looks more like a couple of socks and a stick of pineapple to me.
16:26Permission to speak, sir?
16:27I think not, actually.
16:30Quite right.
16:31If what happens when you open your mouth is anything like what happens when you open your
16:34paint box, we'll all be drenched in phlegm.
16:37Oh, no.
16:38This isn't what we're looking for at all, is it, darling?
16:40No, sir.
16:41No, sir.
16:41There is.
16:42This, sir, it's Private Baldrick's.
16:44He's called it My Family and Other Animals.
16:49Oh, good Lord, no.
16:51Well, I'm afraid that's about it, sir.
16:53Apart from this little thing.
16:56Ah, now that's more like it.
16:59Who painted this, Blackadder?
17:01Well, actually, it was me.
17:03Permission to speak?
17:04Really quite urgently, sir.
17:06Damn and blast your goggly eyes.
17:08Will you stop interrupting, George?
17:10Oh, this is excellent.
17:11Congratulations, man.
17:12Oh, it's totally inspiring.
17:14Makes you wonder.
17:15Jump over the top and yell,
17:17Ya boo sucks to you, Fritzy.
17:20Thank you, sir.
17:21Are you sure you did this, Blackadder?
17:22Of course I'm sure.
17:23I'm afraid I don't believe you.
17:26How dare you, darling?
17:29Well, I can't let that slur pass.
17:30What possible, low, suspicious, slanderous reason
17:33could this office boy have for thinking that I didn't paint the picture?
17:37Well, three reasons, as a matter of fact.
17:39Firstly, you're in it.
17:41It's a self-portrait.
17:43Secondly, you told us you couldn't paint.
17:45Well, one doesn't like to blow one's own trumpet.
17:48Permission?
17:48Denied.
17:50And thirdly, it's signed, George.
18:02Well spotted.
18:04But not signed, George.
18:07Dedicated to George.
18:09King George.
18:10Gentlemen, the king.
18:12The king!
18:13Where?
18:15Bravo, Blackadder.
18:16I have absolutely no hesitation in appointing you our official regimental artist.
18:20You're a damn fine chap.
18:22Not a pen-pushing, desk-sucking, blotter-jotter like darling here.
18:26Eh, darling?
18:27No, sir.
18:28No, sir.
18:29Well, accompany us back to HQ immediately.
18:31Attention!
18:33Permission to jolly well speak right now, sir, otherwise I might just burst like a bunny balloon.
18:38Later, George.
18:39Much later.
18:42Congratulations on your new appointment, Blackadder.
18:44Thank you, sir.
18:45And may I say, Blackadder, I'm particularly pleased about it.
18:49Are you?
18:49Oh, yes.
18:51Now that you are our official war artist, we can give you the full briefing.
18:55The fact is, Blackadder, that the king and country cover story was just a cover story.
19:01We want you, as our top painting bard, to leave the trenches.
19:05Good.
19:06Tonight.
19:07Suits me.
19:08And go out into no man's land.
19:14No man's land.
19:15Yes.
19:16Not Paris.
19:17No.
19:19We want you to come back with accurate drawings of the enemy positions.
19:23You want me to sit in no man's land, painting pictures of the Germans.
19:29Precisely.
19:30Good man.
19:30Well, it's a very attractive proposition, gentlemen, but unfortunately not practical.
19:34You see, my medium is light.
19:36It'll be pitch dark.
19:37I won't be able to see a thing.
19:38Ah.
19:39That is a point.
19:40I tell you what, we'll send up a couple of flares.
19:42You'll be lit up like a Christmas tree.
19:45Oh, excellent, excellent.
19:46Glad I checked.
19:49All right.
19:50Total and utter quiet.
19:51Do you understand?
19:52So, for instance, if any of us crawl over any barbed wire, they must, on no account,
19:56go...
19:58You've just crawled over some barbed wire, sir.
20:00No, Baldrick.
20:01I've just put my elbow on a blob of ice cream.
20:03Oh, that's all right.
20:05Now, where the hell are we, man?
20:06Well, it's a bit difficult to say.
20:08We appear to have crawled into an area marked with mushrooms.
20:11What do those symbols denote?
20:13Don't we're in a field of mushrooms?
20:15Lieutenant, that is a military map.
20:17It is unlikely to list interesting flora and fungi.
20:20Look at the key and you'll discover that those mushrooms aren't for picking.
20:24Good Lord.
20:25You're quite right, sir.
20:25It says mine.
20:28So, these mushrooms must belong to the man who made the map.
20:35Either that or we're in the middle of a mine field.
20:38Oh dear.
20:39So, he owns the field as well.
20:44They're boring, sir!
20:45They're boring!
20:46Oh, yes, thank you, Lieutenant.
20:49If they hit me, you'll be sure to point it out, won't you?
20:52Now, come on, get on with your drawing and let's get out of here.
20:54Well, surely we ought to wait for the flares, sir.
20:56You see, my medium is light.
20:58Just use your imagination, for heaven's sake.
21:01Wait a minute.
21:02That's the answer.
21:03What?
21:03I can't believe I've been so stupid.
21:06Yeah, that is unusual, cos usually I'm the stupid one.
21:09Well, I'm not over-furnished in the brain department.
21:12Yes, well, on this occasion, I've been stupidest of all.
21:15Oh, now, sir, I will not have that.
21:18Baldrick and I will always be more stupid than you.
21:21Isn't that right, Baldrick?
21:21Stupid, stupid, stupid.
21:23Yeah.
21:24Stupid-y, stupid-y, stupid-y.
21:26The stupidest stupids in the whole history of stupidity-ness.
21:34Finished?
21:36I think the obvious point is this.
21:38We'll go straight back to the dugout and do the painting from there.
21:41You do the most imaginative, most exciting possible drawing of German defences from your imagination.
21:47I see, now that is a challenge.
21:49Well, quite.
21:50Come on, let's get out of here.
21:52Oh, sir, just one thing.
21:53If we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?
21:58Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.
22:09Are you sure this is what you saw, Blackadder?
22:11Absolutely.
22:12I mean, there may have been a few more armament factories and not quite as many elephants, but...
22:19Well, you know what this means?
22:22If it's true, sir, we'll have to cancel the push.
22:25Exactly.
22:26Damn!
22:27What a nuisance.
22:29Exactly what the enemy would expect us to do and, therefore, exactly what we shan't do.
22:34Ah.
22:35Now...
22:35If we attack where the line is strongest, then Fritz will think that our reconnaissance is a total shambles.
22:41This will lull him into a sense of full security.
22:44And then, next week, we can attack where the line is actually badly defended and win the greatest victory since
22:51the Winchester flower arranging team beat Harrow by 12 sore bottoms to one.
22:57Tell me, have you ever visited the planet Earth, sir?
23:01So, best fighting trousers on, Blackadder.
23:04Permission to shout bravo at an annoyingly loud volume, sir?
23:07Permission granted.
23:08Bravo!
23:09Oh!
23:10That's the spirit.
23:11Just your kind of caper, eh, Blackadder?
23:13Oh, yes.
23:15Good luck against those elephants.
23:19Get me a chisel and some marble, will you, Baldrick?
23:22Oh, you're taking up sculpture now, sir?
23:24No, I thought I'd get my headstone done.
23:26What are you going to put on this?
23:28Here lies Edmund Blackadder, and he's bloody annoyed.
23:33We're going over, are we, sir?
23:34Yes, we are.
23:35Unless I can think of some brilliant plan.
23:37Would you like some rat-o-van to help you think?
23:41Rat-o-van.
23:43Yeah, it's rat that's been run over by a van.
23:45Run over by a van.
23:47No, thank you, Baldrick.
23:49Although, it gives me an idea.
23:52Telephone, please.
23:54I suppose Blackadder and his boys will have gone over the top by now, sir.
23:57Yes, God, I wish I was out there with them dodging the bullets instead of having to sit here drinking
24:02this Chateau Lafitte and eating these filets mignons with sauce bernese.
24:07My thoughts exactly, sir.
24:09Damn this Chateau Lafitte.
24:11He's a very brave man, Blackadder.
24:13And, of course, that lieutenant of his, George.
24:15Cambridge man, you know.
24:17His uncle Bertie and I used to break wind for our college.
24:21Slightly, um, unusual taste, this sauce bernese.
24:25Yes, sir.
24:26And to be quite frank, these, these mignons are a little, well...
24:30What?
24:31Well, dungy.
24:33What on earth's wrong with Aunt Cook?
24:35Well, it's a rather strange story, sir.
24:38Oh, tell, tell.
24:40Well, sir, I received a phone call this afternoon from Pope Gregory IX telling me that our cook had been
24:47selected for the England cricket team and must set sail for the West Indies immediately.
24:52Really?
24:52Barely a moment later, the phone rang again.
24:55It was a trio of wandering Italian chefs who happened to be in the area offering their services.
25:00So, I had the quartermaster take them on at once.
25:02Huh? Huh? Huh?
25:04Oh! Dumping Judas!
25:07Are you sure these are real raisins in this plum dump?
25:11Oh, yes, I'm sure they are, sir.
25:14Everything will be alright once the cream custard arrives.
25:20Well, all jolly good fun, sir, but, dash it all, we appear to have missed the big push.
25:24Oh, damn, so we have.
25:28One thing puzzles me, Baldrick.
25:29How did you manage to get so much custard out of such a small cat?
25:33What?
25:34What?
25:35What else do you think of the second show?