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00:00Well, listen to this splendid and absolutely tough day.
00:04New Year's Eve 1999, a new century and a new millennium.
00:08Let's drink a great big slurpy toast to peace and understanding around the globe.
00:12Bravo!
00:13After all, if history teaches us anything, it is that in the words of St. Bert,
00:17what the world needs now is love, sweet love.
00:21Total conswallop.
00:22If history has taught us anything, it is that the story of man is one long round of death and
00:27torture
00:27and burning people as witches just because they've got a wart.
00:31I'm sorry about the food, by the way.
00:33Unfortunately, my cook got invited to an orgy at Delia Smith's house.
00:37And so our chef for this evening is the man who cleans out the septic tank.
00:42Baldrick!
00:47My Lord!
00:48God save us.
00:50I trust you're all enjoying your food?
00:52No, we're not actually, Baldrick. What is this we're eating?
00:55It tastes as if someone with a bad chest cold has taken two spoonfuls of Benilin
00:59to loosen the phlegm and then coughed all over an avocado.
01:03Well, funny you should say that, sir, because...
01:05Yes, all right, Baldrick, yes. Thank you.
01:07You may go now.
01:08I believe you've got some other duties to attend to.
01:12Oh, yes.
01:14Excuse me, please, everybody.
01:21Now, where were we?
01:23We were very well toasting the future.
01:25Yes, and I suppose it might also be a perfect time to look to the past.
01:28How on earth can I look at the past?
01:31You can't see something's already happened.
01:34Unless you're on the lavatory.
01:35Good point, Bish.
01:36Yes, or unless one's got a time machine.
01:40How likely is that?
01:42Well, very likely, actually, darling.
01:44Because I've just built one.
01:47Stuff and stops.
01:48I've heard some rubbish in my time.
01:50Every time I open my mouth, as a matter of fact.
01:52But a time machine?
01:54It's just cobblers.
01:56I can assure you it is not.
01:58This is an original sketchbook by Leonardo da Vinci.
02:01And in the last year, I myself have built a time machine for his exact specification.
02:07Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest breakthrough in travel since Mr. Rodney Tricycle thought to himself,
02:12I'm bored with walking.
02:13I think I'll invent a machine with three wheels and a bell and name it after myself.
02:18Behold, the time machine.
02:24Well, glaze my nipples and call me Rita.
02:27I mean, it can't be real.
02:28Blackadder, it's a practical joke, surely.
02:30Certainly not.
02:30But when was the last time I played a practical joke?
02:32Well, there was the time you said you were dying of kidney failure.
02:35And I donated one of my kidneys to save your life.
02:37And then you said it was an April Fool and we had to throw my kidney away.
02:42Well, yes, there has been the odd, hilarious practical joke.
02:46But not this time.
02:47This is a working time machine.
02:49And to prove it, I suggest a wager.
02:53I will bet you each £10,000 that I can travel through time
02:58and bring back any items of historical interest which you choose to nominate.
03:05Darling?
03:06Well, yes, all right.
03:07Yes, if you can travel through time, I'll pay up.
03:10So long as you bring back with you a genuine Roman centurion's helmet.
03:15Well, a Roman centurion's helmet.
03:20No, no, that's much too easy.
03:22What about the actual Wellingtons, actually worn by Wellington?
03:27On the day he won the Battle of Waterloo.
03:29Lady Elizabeth would like the actual Wellingtons worn by the Duke of Wellington
03:33on the day he won the Battle of Waterloo.
03:36Anyone else?
03:38Oh, yes.
03:38Ah, yes, I've got one.
03:39I want you to get...
03:41I'd like to see you get your hands on these.
03:42An ancient, reeking, stinking pair of 200-year-old underpants.
03:4818th-century body huggers.
03:49That's the ticket.
03:54Very well, I shall be on my way.
03:56This will, of course, take no time at all in your time.
03:59I shall merely step in.
04:00There will be a momentary shuddering.
04:01And I will emerge triumphant.
04:06Farewell, dear friends.
04:11Well done, Baldus.
04:12This is very impressive.
04:13I'm sorry that I didn't have time to build it myself.
04:15Don't worry, my lord.
04:15I'll follow Mr. Da Vinci's instructions to the letter.
04:18Even though you can't actually read.
04:20That's right, my lord.
04:21But I have done a lot of air-fix modules in my time.
04:24Right, so I've got the Centurion's helmet.
04:26Very good.
04:27And the boots.
04:28Excellent.
04:30The underpants.
04:30Where are the underpants?
04:31Oh, here you are, my lord.
04:33They're my very best pair.
04:34And, coincidentally, all some are very worst.
04:37So they are, in fact, your only pair of underpants.
04:39That's right, my lord.
04:41Oh!
04:42I'm stuck in the bag!
04:44Oh, my god!
04:50Right, let's get all this stuff going, too.
04:52Right, my lord.
04:54Yes.
04:55Right.
04:56I'll shake it about a bit.
04:58Make it look real.
04:59The best New Year's Eve prank ever.
05:07Here we go.
05:08You hide there.
05:09£30,000.
05:10Here I come.
05:16Right.
05:18Interesting.
05:19What's happening, my lord?
05:21Well.
05:24For God's sake, do something, Baldrick.
05:28Something useful.
05:30You might get something.
05:31Just throw.
05:31Shoot, go on.
05:32Go away.
05:34No!
05:36Sword off.
05:45The underpants.
05:46Try the underpants.
05:49Bloody brontosaurus.
05:51Oh, him, not me!
05:53What?
05:54Oh, oh, oh!
05:56They sniffed my skin!
06:01Ah!
06:04Ah!
06:05Ah!
06:09Fascinating.
06:10One of history's great mysteries solved.
06:13The dinosaurs were in fact wiped out by your parents.
06:19Well, Bournemouth, this is a turn-up for the books.
06:21You have built a working time machine and are, therefore, rather surprisingly, the greatest
06:26genius who has ever lived.
06:27Thank you very much, my lord.
06:29Right, let's get out of here, shall we?
06:30No problem, my lord.
06:37Can you set the date so we can get home?
06:39Yes, I'll just turn that back, pull that there, reset that there, pull this lever like
06:44that, and the date should come up.
06:47But, unfortunately, it doesn't, because I was going to write the numbers on in felt-tipped
06:51pen, but I never got round to it.
06:53Right.
06:55So the date we're heading for is two watermelons and a bunch of cherries.
06:58That's right, my lord.
07:00In other words, we can't get home anymore.
07:03Not as such.
07:05Excellent.
07:08Rather a spectacular return to form after the genius moment, Baldrick.
07:12Still, I think someone with common sense ought to be able to resolve this.
07:16All we've got to do is put these controls back to where they were when we first set off.
07:20I think that was about there.
07:23Here and here.
07:26There.
07:28And that should get us home.
07:31Excellent.
07:32You threw away our winning items, Baldrick, but at least we're home.
07:38Typical.
07:39They must have got bored and gone back for pudding.
07:44Right.
07:45Now, you're not going to believe that...
07:49Ah, Lord Blackadder.
07:57Elizabeth I.
07:58You're wearing very weird clothes.
08:01And you're looking rather old and ugly, actually.
08:04Is that right?
08:05Of course it's right.
08:06I'm always right.
08:07Of course it's right.
08:09Belchie.
08:09Ma'am.
08:10Edmund has been very cheeky.
08:12Shall I laugh at him?
08:13Or chop his ugly head off?
08:15Well, one hates to be harsh, ma'am, but I do think a bit of choppy choppy is the only
08:19apt reaction.
08:19Very well.
08:21Kill him!
08:22Sorry.
08:23Unless, of course, Eddie, you've got a present for me?
08:28Uh, a present.
08:30Hmm.
08:31Um, yes, certainly, Your Majesty.
08:34A present.
08:35Um, uh...
08:38Quickly.
08:39Getting bored now.
08:39Ah.
08:40Yes.
08:41Now.
08:43Now, these may not look much.
08:45They don't.
08:46No, but, um, um, well, well, let's say, let's say, let's say that there was a place where
08:53you could buy absolutely everything.
08:56We already have those, Blackadder, and they're called markets.
08:59Oh, right, right.
09:00Well, imagine that, but times ten.
09:02As it were, a super market.
09:05Now, if you gave someone at one of these supermarkets this, he would give you some bonus points,
09:16which would mean that once a month you could buy a tin of baked beans at half the normal price.
09:24Kill him!
09:25Kill him!
09:29What are they?
09:31Oh, they're just sort of sweets minty things. I want one. Yes
09:41No, they're meant to be like that. Oh, that's how they're made
09:55You are so naughty
10:10The way it usually smells so bad. It's like you've eaten a house to be breakfast. Well, I am aware
10:15I have a less than orthodox mouthful odor man
10:17Yes, well, you don't smell like that anymore. It's well absolutely yummy now
10:22Ah, what a pity
10:28Take this
10:29You sexy blood
10:32Oh, thank you ma'am
10:34Now go forth and bring back lots more minty things in the next five minutes
10:41Or I'll come after you and crush your skull like an egg
10:45Yeah, certainly your majesty. I'll be right back. Thank you very much. Thank you
10:53Oh
10:55Oh, I'm I'm so sorry. I am sorry
11:00Wait a minute
11:02You're not will Shakespeare
11:03Yes, but don't say it. I know you hated two gentlemen of Verona. This one's much better
11:07Well bugger my giddy aunt
11:10Well bugger my giddy aunt
11:10You couldn't just sign something for me could you?
11:14Oh, certainly
11:15Oh
11:16Oh
11:17Sorry, it's just a biro
11:23Thank you. Oh, and just one more thing. Yeah
11:27That is for every schoolboy and schoolgirl for the next 400 years
11:32Have you any idea how much suffering you're going to cause?
11:36Hours spent at school desks trying to find one joke in a midsummer night's dream
11:42Years wearing stupid tights in school plays and saying things like what ho my lord
11:48Oh look here comes Othello talking total crap as usual
11:52Oh, and
11:53Oh
11:54That is for Ken Branagh's endless uncut four-hour version of Hamlet
12:01Who's Ken Branagh?
12:02I'll tell him you said that
12:04And I think he'll be very hurt
12:11Right let's get out of here boulders
12:12Certainly my lord
12:13By the way if we're lucky enough to get out of this alive
12:15Yes my lord
12:16Remind me to kill you will you?
12:17Oh all right my lord
12:18Now it was down here when we were at the dinosaurs it's in the middle now so why don't we
12:22try it
12:23Here
12:26Should do the trick
12:30Uh yes I suspect that's a little too far for us
12:36Back back
12:41Oh god where are we now?
12:44Oh dear
12:45Here
12:46You think he's safe?
12:47I don't know
12:48Does this look like a dangerous place to you boulders?
12:51This empty wood
12:59Well well
13:00Well well what have we here my tough band of freedom fighters who have good muscle tone and aren't gay
13:04Oh god
13:14Good lads we've captured Lord Blackadder
13:17Wait a minute
13:20Are you Robin Hood?
13:22Am I Robin Hood?
13:23Am I Robin Hood?
13:24Is Will Scarlet a puff in tights?
13:27Is Friar Chug a fat top of lard with a ridiculous haircut?
13:32Is Maid Marian a hot little honey with thighs like two halves of a nutcracker?
13:36Yes I am
13:37Wah
13:37Wah
13:38Wah
13:38Wah
13:40Wah
13:40Wah
13:43Well yes it's nice to meet you at last
13:45Because there's one question I've always wanted to ask you
13:48Fire away!
13:49One final question before I impale you with my magnificent weapon and I'm not talking about my enormous
13:54Yes yes yes I know you're not
13:54Oh right sorry
13:55What puzzles me is this
13:57You rob from the rich
13:59Yes!
14:00That's right yeah
14:00And then when you've robbed the rich you give it all to the poor
14:05Yes!
14:06I love giving it to the poor
14:08Woah
14:08Woah
14:09Now that's the bit I don't understand
14:12You men risk your lives in combat?
14:16Yes!
14:16You risk certain death if you're caught?
14:20Yes
14:20You live here in this forest in total squalor?
14:24I mean I'd hate to think of what the toilet facilities are like round here
14:28Not very nice anyway
14:29And yet you still give every single penny to these so-called poor
14:35Who just sit on their backsides all day
14:38Oh shut up now
14:40Laughing at you saying oh no need to go to work today
14:42Robin Hood and his merry men will be along in a minute with a big pile of cash
14:45I said shut up
14:47I'm surprised they don't call you Robin Hood and his bunch of complete lunatics
14:52Right that is it!
14:54Shoot him boys I'm great and he's not
14:56Robin Hood and his band of merry morons
14:59Ready!
15:01Aim!
15:04Fire!
15:08Oh no!
15:12Can I say that I think you've made the right decision?
15:15So do I
15:16Gorgeous
15:17Ding
15:18Dong
15:23Well, Maid Marian was pretty friendly
15:26So was Will Scarlet
15:27Really nice guy
15:30Still, the sooner we get home the better
15:32We've started to affect history and that's dangerous
15:35We've already wiped out the dinosaurs and killed Robin Hood
15:38God only knows what's going to happen next time
15:50My lord emperor, I the duke the darling brain news
15:53The English have reached Waterloo
15:56Good, prepare to attack
15:57Very well
15:59But first I would like to ask
16:01Why do we want to invade Britain in the first place?
16:04I mean their wine is made of the peepee of cows
16:06And their women all have big beards
16:09We invade darling
16:10Because the British think they are so tough
16:12They think we French are sissies
16:14They call us weeds and whoopsies and big girls blouses
16:17With respect my emperor, we are whoopsies
16:20We invented the tapestry, the souffle and the sweet liqueur
16:23We will be slaughtered the minute we mince up the hill
16:26Do not despair
16:27It is my firm belief that God hates the British
16:30He will intervene miraculously
16:32And send us a glorious victory on this field of Waterloo
16:36Oh bravo
16:39That lovely uniform today by the way
16:40Oh, thank you
16:41I think it works
16:50Your grace, the French are approaching
16:51Excellent, I have a superb plan which cannot fail
16:54But to result in the complete destruction of the French army
16:57Oh splendid
16:57Well tell me at once your grace and I'll spread the news to the truth
16:59Very well, the plan is
17:01God, I'm brilliant
17:02You know I surprise myself sometimes
17:03I really do
17:04Yeah
17:04The plan is
17:05To allow the French to come within a hundred yards of us
17:08And then
17:09And this is the completely original and brilliant part
17:11Yes
17:11Then
17:14Your grace
17:18The Duke of Wellington is dead
17:20Whoops
17:21At last
17:22At last
17:23Without the plan, the day is lost
17:26Pardon me
17:30Thanks very much
17:30Thanks very much
17:32Might as well try and win that cash anyway
17:36Why don't we try pressing this button
17:42Well, fingers crossed
17:47What can you see, Borders?
17:48People in very short skirts, my lord
17:51Ah, excellent
17:52The 1960s
17:53At last, we're getting close
17:55I might stay a while actually for a bit of hippie free love
17:58Not that free love would make a lot of difference to you, would it, Boulders?
18:01I mean, what would a sheep do with money?
18:03Not girls in skirts, my lord
18:05Men
18:06Ah, Spandau Ballet, 1983
18:08I think not, my lord
18:13Romans
18:16We're still centuries out
18:17Come on, let's go
18:19Although, I might just steal myself a Roman helmet while we're here
18:23That's interesting
18:24The machine seems to be seeking out our DNA across time
18:27Just brilliant
18:28What a century
18:29We're facing a horde of ginger maniacs
18:32With wild goats nesting in their huge orange beards
18:35Or to put it another way
18:36The Scots
18:37And how does our inspired leader Hadrian
18:40Intent to keep out this vast army of lunatics?
18:43By building a three foot high wall
18:45A terrifying obstacle
18:47About as frightening as a little rabbit
18:49With the word Boo painted on its nose
18:51Ooh
18:52Oh, come now Centurion
18:54I won't have that
18:55This wall is a terrific defence mechanism
18:57Why?
18:58Surely not suggesting that a rabble of Scots could get the better of Roman soldiers
19:02Acai De Gagos
19:06Welcome, General
19:08Splendid
19:09Ha ha ha
19:10Good to see you practising your English, Georges
19:12Balthus
19:13Said
19:14Michi nuntiatem est
19:16Romanum
19:17Undique
19:17Oppugnare
19:18Sed imperator
19:19Nihil fecise
19:20Praetum martrem
19:21Venna venisse
19:22Equumque
19:22Exorum
19:23Duxisi
19:23Itaque
19:24Sinatus
19:25Copiace Britannia
19:26Revocari
19:27Ed
19:27Cuitatum
19:27Nostrum
19:28Imperialem
19:28Defendem
19:29Constitutes
19:29Did you hear that, Balthus?
19:31I certainly did, O Centurion
19:32Back to Rome, at last
19:34Baa
19:35Us
19:35Say, this is interesting
19:37There appears to be a large orange hedge moving towards us
19:41Er, that's not a hedge, Consul
19:43That's the Scots
19:50Dr. Duarte
19:51Shall we run, my lord?
19:53Yes
19:56Perhaps we could negotiate
19:58Last one there gets hacked to pieces by Rod Stewart's great-great-grandfather
20:10Let's get home, Audrey
20:11We don't know where home is
20:13We're doomed
20:14To float through time, for all time
20:17Oh, woe is me
20:20Shut up, Mordred
20:21Shut up
20:22There is one final thing to push, which may be our salvation
20:26Or not
20:26Because it is, in fact
20:29A lollipop
20:29Raspberry flavoured, my lord
20:32Oh, God
20:33I'm gonna spend the rest of my life in a small wooden room with two toilets
20:38And the stupidest man in the world
20:40Wait, my lord, do not despair
20:43For I
20:44Have a cunning plan
20:48Can I say I'm not optimistic, Mordred?
20:51To be quite frank, my lord, neither am I
20:53My family have never been very good at plans
20:55So, with suitably low expectations
20:57What is your cunning plan to get us home?
20:59Well, my lord, you know how when people drown their whole life flashes in front of them?
21:05Yes
21:06Well, if you stuck your head in a bucket of water and didn't bring it out again
21:10Then your whole life would flash in front of you
21:13And you'd see where all the knobs and levers were when we first set off
21:17And then, if you pulled your head out again, just before you died, you could guide us home
21:23Baldrick
21:25My lord
21:27Good plan
21:28With perhaps just one tiny modification
21:39How's it going?
21:40I'm 18 years old
21:41I've just left nursery school
21:42Okie dokie
21:50I'm 25
21:50I'm back at nursery school
21:52I'm 25
22:08Got it!
22:08Very good
22:09I wish
22:10I wish
22:11I wish I'd flushed the loo first
22:14Ah, yeah
22:16As we approach the end, my lord, what do you think we've learnt on our great journey?
22:22Good question, Baldrick
22:23I suppose I've learnt that I must buy you a much stronger mouthwash for Christmas this year
22:28How about you?
22:29Oh, I don't know
22:30I suppose I've learnt that human beings have always been the same
22:34Some nice, some nasty
22:35Some clever, some stupid
22:37There's always a blackadder
22:38And there's always a Baldrick
22:40Yeah, it's very profound, Baldrick
22:42Also, it occurs to me
22:43Oh god, there's not more, is there?
22:45If you're in the right place at the right time
22:47Then every person has the power to go out and change the world for the better
22:52God, you really are as thick as clotted cream that's been left out by some clot
22:58Until the clots are so clotted up you couldn't un-clot them with an electric de-clotter
23:03Aren't you, Baldrick?
23:05Real change comes from huge socio-economic things that individuals have no effect on
23:10Unless you're king or prime minister or something
23:13Oh, yes, I suppose they can make a difference
23:14But for the rest of us, all we can do in life is to try to make a bit of
23:18cash
23:20Which is what I intend to do right now
23:23Hang on
23:25Did you see?
23:27Good lord, Blackadder, what happened there?
23:29Yes, everything went sort of squiggly
23:31I have, in fact, returned from the past
23:34You surely don't expect us to believe that, Blackadder?
23:37Clearly that was all some sort of cheap country trick
23:39On the country, darling
23:42Well, bravo, with big brass bells on
23:46And as a little bonus, the crown of Queen Elizabeth I of England
23:53Yes!
23:54Well done, Blackadder
23:56But tell me, all this stuff about changing history with time travel
24:00You must have had to be damnsome careful
24:01Oh, I was, very careful
24:03So, Blackadder, tell us, did you hang out with any, you know, big-time celebs?
24:07Well, yes, actually
24:08For example, this belonged to none other than Robin Hood
24:12Who?
24:13Robin Hood
24:14Never heard of him
24:15We'll have to do better than that, Blackadder
24:17Right
24:18So you've never heard of Robin Hood?
24:21No
24:22Well, this is the title page for Macbeth signed by Shakespeare himself
24:29Oh, no, no, no, no
24:30Come on, you've heard of Shakespeare
24:31He's the fellow who invented the ballpoint pen
24:33Of course
24:35Yes
24:35Well, I might have had an effect on one or two things
24:37But nothing important
24:39Well, never mind, Blackadder
24:40You've certainly won your bet
24:41So here's your 10,000 francs
24:43And jolly well-deserved two
24:45What do you mean, francs?
24:47What do you mean?
24:48What do I mean, francs?
24:49Well, surely you mean 10,000 pounds?
24:54Pounds?
24:54We haven't used those for 200 years
24:56Not since the Emperor Napoleon won the Battle of Waterloo
24:59Which reminds me, it's time for us to get to the television
25:01Monsieur le Président will be broadcasting from Versailles any moment
25:04Are you coming?
25:06No, I might just go on one final little trip
25:09Oh, no, don't go
25:10You haven't had a bite of the delicious garlic pudding
25:13After which, I'm going to do a petit peu de ballet
25:15Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
25:21Right, that's it
25:24Come on, boners
25:25We've got to save Britain
25:33I thought I'd just drop in to wish you good luck with the battle
25:35You can't lose
25:37Hello, darling
25:43There's one question I've always wanted to ask you
25:46Yes?
25:46How come you're so great?
25:50Because I'm mean
25:53I'm a very big fan, Bill
25:55Thank you
25:56Keep up the good work
25:57King Lear, very funny
26:05Good lord, what happened there?
26:07What?
26:10And here, a front page of Macbeth signed by Shakespeare himself
26:14Oh, my God!
26:17That's better
26:18Well done, Blackadder
26:20What about all this stuff about changing history through time travel?
26:23You must have had to be damnsome careful
26:25Oh, I was very, very careful
26:29Intriguing thought, actually, isn't it?
26:30You know, the smallest thing can change history
26:32Imagine if Wellington had died before the Battle of Waterloo
26:35We'd all be French
26:35Or if someone hadn't invented deodorant, we'd all be smelly
26:39The tiniest thing can affect the course of human history
26:41Think what turmoil an unscrupulous person could wreak
26:45Yes
26:48Could you excuse me for just five seconds?
26:51Yeah, absolutely
26:53Why don't you just go upstairs and watch television?
26:55I'll be back very, very soon
26:57Ah, splendid
26:58But do hurry, Blackadder
26:59Don't want to miss the big shindig at midnight
27:01Don't worry
27:02I'll be back
27:05Walderick
27:05I have a very, very, very cunning plan
27:09Is it as cunning as a fox
27:10What used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University
27:13But has moved on
27:14And is now working for the UN
27:16At the High Commission of International Cunning Planning?
27:19Yes, it is
27:20Mmm
27:22That's cunning
27:28Right, here goes
27:29And now, excitement is reaching fever pitch
27:31As the final guests of honour arrive at the Derby
27:34Many of the crowds have been here for up to 36 hours waiting for this moment
27:38And I'm sure they won't be disappointed
27:41As the great cast sweeps into view
27:44Because here, at last, is the King himself
27:47King Edmund III, universally loved
27:5098% approval rating across the country
27:53With him, his gorgeous new bride, Queen Marian of Sherwood
27:57The nation's most famous beauty, beloved by all
28:01And here to greet them is the Prime Minister
28:02Unmarried, of course, but now entering his fifth term of office
28:06The relationship between the King and his First Minister
28:09Particularly close nowadays, since the dissolution of Parliament two years ago
28:14And what a great partnership these two have become
28:16Leading Britain magnificently into a prosperous and triumphant new millennium
28:21Under...
28:21Guide to the Games
28:23Under...