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00:02You're a bit cheesed off, sir.
00:04George, the day this war began, I was cheesed off.
00:07Within ten minutes of you turning up, I finished the cheese and moved on to the coffee and cigars.
00:12And at this late stage, I'm in a cab with two lady companions on my way to the pink pussycat
00:17in Lower Regent Street.
00:19Well, because if you are cheesed off, sir, you know what would cheer you up?
00:22And that's a Charlie Chaplin film.
00:24Oh, I love old chappers. Don't you, Cap?
00:26Unfortunately, no, I don't.
00:27I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck, and then discovering there's a gas
00:32bill tied to it.
00:34Oh, big palm, sir, but come off!
00:38His films are ball-beltingly funny.
00:42Well, all right, well, let's consult the men for a casting vote, shall we, Baldrick?
00:45Sir!
00:46Charlie Chaplin, Baldrick, what do you make of him?
00:48Oh, sir, he's as funny as a vegetable that's grown into a rude and amusing shape, sir.
00:54So you agree with me? Not at all funny.
00:56Oh, come on, Skipper, I played fair in that last film of his.
00:59When he kicked that fellow in the backside, I thought I'd die.
01:03Well, if that's your idea of comedy, we can provide our own without expending a halfpenny for the privilege.
01:09There, did you find that funny?
01:10Oh, no, of course not, sir. But you see, Chaplin is a genius.
01:14He certainly is a genius, George.
01:15He invented a way of getting paid a million dollars a year for wearing a pair of stupid trousers.
01:20Did you find that funny, Baldrick?
01:21What funny, sir?
01:24Is that funny?
01:26No, sir. And you mustn't do that to me, sir, because that is a bourgeois act of repression, sir.
01:32What?
01:33And you smelt it, sir.
01:35There's something afoot in the wind.
01:38The huddled masses yearning to be free.
01:42Baldrick, have you been to the diesel oil again?
01:45No, sir. I've been supping the milk of freedom.
01:49Already our Russian comrades are poised on the brink of revolution.
01:53And here, too, sir, the huddled was-names such as myself, sir,
01:57are ready to throw off the hated oppressors like you and the lieutenant.
02:00Present company accepted, sir.
02:02Go and clean out the matrines.
02:04Yes, sir. Right away, sir.
02:07You see, now, the reason why Chaplin is so funny
02:10is because he's part of the great British music hall tradition.
02:13Oh, yes, the great British music hall tradition.
02:16Two men with incredibly unconvincing cockney accents going,
02:19what's up with you, then? What's up with me, then?
02:20Yeah, what's up with you, then?
02:21I'll tell you what's up with me. I'm right round off this.
02:23What's up with me? Right round off?
02:25Yeah, right. Get on with it!
02:27Now, sir, that was funny.
02:30You should go to the boards yourself.
02:32Thank you, George, but if you don't mind,
02:33I'd rather have my tongue beaten wafer-thin by a steak tenderiser
02:37and then staple to the floor with a croquet hoop.
02:40Sir! Sir!
02:41Sir, it's all over the trenches!
02:44Well, mop it up, then.
02:45No, sir. The news!
02:47The Russian Revolution have started!
02:49The masses have risen up and shot all their knobs!
02:52Oh, hurrah!
02:54Oh, no, the bloody Russians have pulled out of the war.
02:57Well, we soon saw them off, didn't we, sir?
02:59Miserable, slant-eyed, sausage-eating swine.
03:03The Russians are on our side.
03:05Are they?
03:06And they've abandoned the Eastern Front.
03:08And they've overfrown Nicholas II, who used to be bizarre.
03:12Who used to be the Tsar, Borgia.
03:15The point is that now the Russians have made peace with the Kaiser.
03:19At this very moment, over three-quarters of a million Germans
03:21are leaving the Russian Front and coming over here
03:23with the express purpose of using my nipples for target practice.
03:27There's only one thing for it.
03:28I'm going to have to desert.
03:29And I'm going to do it right now.
03:31Are you leaving us, Blackadder?
03:33No, sir.
03:34Well, I'm relieved to hear it,
03:35because I need you to help me shoot some deserters later on.
03:39There have been subversive mutterings amongst the men.
03:41You'll recall the French army last year at Verdun,
03:44where the top echelon suffered from horrendous uprisings from the bottom.
03:48Yes, sir, but surely that was traced to a shipment of garlic eclairs.
03:52Nonsense, Blackadder.
03:53It was bolshiness.
03:54Plain bolshiness.
03:56And now that the Ruskies have followed suit,
03:58I'm damned if I'm going to let the same thing happen here.
04:00Oh, and what are you going to do about it, sir?
04:02We're going to have a concert party to boost the men's morale.
04:06A concert party?
04:07Well, hurrah!
04:09You fancy an evening at a concert party, Blackadder?
04:12Well, frankly, sir, I'd rather spend an evening on top of a step ladder in no man's land,
04:16smoking endless cigarettes through a luminous balaclava.
04:20Yes, I didn't think it would be quite your cup of tea.
04:24But I do need someone to help me organise it, you know.
04:27Obviously not a tough, grizzled soldier like yourself,
04:29but some kind of damp-eyed Nancy boy who'd be prepared to spend the rest of the war in the
04:34London Palladium.
04:36Huh?
04:36The show is going to the London Palladium, sir?
04:39Oh, yes, of course.
04:40It's no good crushing a revolution over here
04:42only to get back home to Blighty and find that everybody's wearing overalls
04:45and breaking wind in the palaces of the mighty.
04:48Good point, sir.
04:49Now, the thing is, Blackadder,
04:50finding a man to organise a concert party is going to be damned difficult.
04:53So I've come up with rather a cunning set of questions
04:55with which to test a candidate's suitability for the job.
04:58Oh.
04:58And what sort of questions would these be, sir?
05:00Well, the first question is,
05:02do you like Charlie Chaplin?
05:05Dismissed, Lieutenant.
05:07Do you like Charlie Chaplin?
05:08Yes, that is a good question for a candidate,
05:10to which my answer would, of course, be,
05:12yes, I love him.
05:14Love him, sir.
05:14Now, particularly the amusing kicks.
05:16That's funny, sir, because I thought you said...
05:17Goodbye, George.
05:20And the second question is,
05:21do you like Music Hall?
05:23Ah, yes, another good question.
05:25So, again, my answer would have to be,
05:27yes, absolutely love it.
05:29Oops, Mr. Rothschild, how'd you rather...
05:33Well, you see, it's my view, Blackadder,
05:34that the kind of person who would answer yes
05:36to both of those questions
05:37would be ideal for the job...
05:39Wait a minute!
05:42What, sir?
05:43Why, without knowing it, Blackadder,
05:45you've inadvertently shown me
05:47that you could do the job!
05:50Have I, sir?
05:52Yes, sir!
05:53You have, sir!
05:54And I want you to start work straight away!
05:56A couple of shows over the weekend,
05:57and if all goes well,
05:58we'll start you off in London,
06:00well, next Monday!
06:01Oh, damn!
06:03Now, if you need any help
06:05fetching and carrying
06:06and backstage and so on,
06:08I'll lend you my driver, if you like.
06:09Bob!
06:13Driver Parkhurst reporting for duty, sir!
06:15All right, at ease, Bob.
06:16Stand easy.
06:17Captain Blackadder, this is Bob.
06:19Bob?
06:21Good morning, sir.
06:23Unusual name for a girl.
06:25Well, yes, it would be an unusual name for a girl,
06:27but it's a perfectly straightforward name
06:29for a young chap like you, eh, Bob?
06:31Now, Bob, I want you to bunk up
06:33with Captain Blackadder
06:34for a couple of days, all right?
06:35Yes, sir.
06:36I think you'll find Bob
06:37just the man for this job, Blackadder.
06:38He has a splendid sense of humour.
06:41He, sir?
06:41He?
06:42He?
06:42You see?
06:43You're laughing already.
06:45All right.
06:46Well, now, Bob,
06:47I'll leave you two together.
06:48Why don't you, er,
06:49keep to know each other,
06:50play a game of cribbage,
06:51have a smoke,
06:51something like that.
06:52They tell me that Captain Blackadder
06:53has rather a good line in rough shag.
06:55Um,
06:57I'm sure he'd be happy
06:58to fill your pipe.
06:59Carry on.
07:02Sir, you're a chap,
07:04are you, Bob?
07:04Oh, yes, sir.
07:09You wouldn't say
07:10you were a girl at all?
07:11Oh, definitely not, sir.
07:13I understand cricket.
07:14I fart in bed.
07:15Everything.
07:16Well, let me put it
07:17another way, Bob.
07:18You are a girl,
07:19and you're a girl
07:20with as much talent
07:20for disguise
07:21as a giraffe
07:22in dark glasses
07:23trying to get into
07:24a polar bears-only
07:25golf club.
07:27Oh, sir?
07:28Sir, please don't
07:28give me away, sir.
07:29I just want you to be
07:30like my brothers
07:31and join up.
07:32I want to see
07:32how a war is fought
07:34so badly.
07:35Well, you've come
07:36to the right place, Bob.
07:37A war hasn't been
07:38fought this badly
07:39since Olaf the Hairy,
07:40High Chief of all
07:41the Vikings,
07:42accidentally ordered
07:4380,000 battle helmets
07:44with the horns
07:45on the inside.
07:47I want to do my bit
07:49for the boys, sir.
07:50Oh, really?
07:51I'll do anything, sir.
07:54Yes, I'd keep that
07:54to yourself if I was
07:55you.
07:56All right, Bob.
07:57The second half
07:58starts with Corporal
07:59Smith and Johnson
08:00as the three silly twerps.
08:01All right, sir.
08:02The big joke being
08:03there's only two of them.
08:07I love that.
08:08That always cracks me up, sir.
08:10Followed by
08:11Boric's impersonation
08:12of Charlie Chaplin.
08:19Yes.
08:20Bob, take a telegram.
08:21Yes, sir?
08:22Mr. C. Chaplin,
08:23Senate Studios,
08:24Hollywood, California.
08:26Congrats, stop.
08:27Have discovered
08:27only person in the world
08:28less funny than you.
08:30Name, Boric, stop.
08:32Laws E. Blackadder, stop.
08:33Oh, and put a PS.
08:35Please, please, please,
08:36stop.
08:38And then after that,
08:39we have, ladies and gentlemen,
08:41the highlight of our show.
08:42Ta-da!
08:49I feel fantastic.
08:52Gorgeous Georgina,
08:54the traditional
08:55soldier's drag act.
08:56You look absolutely lovely, sir.
08:59Goldrick, you are either
09:00lying, blind or mad.
09:02Lieutenant looks like
09:03all soldiers look
09:04on these occasions,
09:05about as feminine
09:05as W.G. Grace.
09:07What are you going to give him,
09:08George?
09:09Well, I thought, uh,
09:10one or two cheeky gags.
09:11Um, followed by
09:13she was only
09:13the ironmonger's daughter,
09:15but she knew
09:15a surprising amount
09:16about fish as well.
09:20Inspired.
09:20Well, at least you made
09:21an effort with the dress.
09:22What about your costume, Boric?
09:23I'm in it, sir.
09:25I see.
09:26So your Charlie Chaplin costume
09:27consists of that hat.
09:29Yes, sir.
09:30Except that in this box,
09:32I have a dead slug
09:34as a brilliant
09:35force moustache.
09:38Yes, only quite brilliant,
09:39I fear.
09:39How, for instance,
09:40are you to attach it
09:41to your face?
09:41Well, I was hoping
09:42to persuade the slug
09:43to cling on, sir.
09:45Boric, the slug is dead.
09:47If it failed to cling
09:48on to life,
09:49I see no reason
09:50why it's been wished
09:50to cling on
09:51to your upper lip.
09:53Boric, Boric, come on.
09:55Slugs are always a problem.
09:56What you've got to do
09:57is screw your face up
09:58like this, you see,
09:58and then you can clamp it
09:59between your top lip
10:00and your nose.
10:01Well, right here, sir.
10:03That's it, that's it,
10:03that's been...
10:04Right.
10:05Sir, sir,
10:06there's a visitor
10:07to see you.
10:08Good Lord,
10:09Mr Chaplin.
10:11This is a deal
10:12and honour.
10:13Why, of course,
10:13for some sort of celebration.
10:15Boric, Boric!
10:18Sir, that is extraordinary
10:21because...
10:23Because, you see,
10:24this isn't Chaplin at all.
10:25This is Boric.
10:27Yes, it's me, sir!
10:30I know, I know.
10:33Well, I was, in fact,
10:34being sarcastic.
10:36Oh, I see.
10:38Everything goes above your head,
10:39doesn't it, George?
10:40You should go to Jamaica
10:41and become a limbo dancer.
10:47They love him, sir.
10:48We're a hit.
10:49Yes, in one short evening,
10:51I've become the most
10:51successful impresario
10:52since the manager
10:53of the Roman Coliseum
10:54thought of putting
10:55the Christians and the Lions
10:56on the same bill.
10:58Sir, some people seem to think
11:00that I was best.
11:01Would you agree?
11:02Boric, in the Amazonian rainforests,
11:04there are tribes of Indians
11:05as yet untouched by civilisation
11:06who have developed
11:07more convincing
11:08Charlie Chaplin impressions
11:09in yours.
11:10Oh, thank you very much, sir.
11:12He's coming off!
11:14What do you think, Bob?
11:15One more.
11:16God, I love the theatre!
11:20It's in my blood
11:21and in my soul.
11:23Boric, put those
11:24in some water, will you?
11:25Yes, sir.
11:26Oh!
11:29I need that applause
11:30in the same way
11:30that an osler
11:32needs his ossel.
11:35Well done, sir.
11:36No, really,
11:37I was, well,
11:38I was hopeless.
11:39I mean, tell me honestly,
11:40sir, I was, wasn't I?
11:41Well...
11:41No, no, come on, sir.
11:42Up with it,
11:43because I need to know,
11:43really, I was hopeless.
11:44No, well...
11:44No, you're trying to be nice
11:45and that's very sweet of you, sir,
11:47but please, come on,
11:47I can take it.
11:48I was hopeless.
11:48George,
11:49you were bloody awful.
11:53But you can't argue
11:55with the box office.
11:56Personally, I thought
11:56you were the least convincing
11:57female impressionist
11:58since Tarzan went through
11:59Jane's handbag
12:00and ate her lipstick.
12:02But I'm clearly
12:03in a minority.
12:04Look out, London.
12:05Here we come.
12:10Ah, Captain Dowling.
12:12Ah, Captain Blackadder.
12:13I must say,
12:14I had an absolutely
12:15splendid evening.
12:16Oh, glad you enjoyed the show.
12:17The show?
12:19No, I didn't go to the show.
12:21Important regimental business.
12:22A lorry load
12:23of paper clips, sir, I've.
12:26Two lorry loads, actually.
12:29Welcome to the great director.
12:32Maestro.
12:33You enjoyed it, sir.
12:34Well, it was mostly awful,
12:36but I enjoyed
12:37the slug balance, sir.
12:41Private Baldrick, sir.
12:42That's right, yes.
12:43Slug fell off
12:44a couple of times,
12:45but it can't have everything,
12:47can you?
12:47I'd just suggest
12:48a bit more practice
12:49and perhaps a little
12:50sparkly costume
12:51for the slug.
12:53I'll pass that on, sir.
12:55But I do have
12:56certain other reasons
12:57for believing the show
12:58to be nothing
12:58but a triumph.
13:00Captain Darling
13:01has your travel arrangements,
13:02ticket to Dover,
13:03rooms at the Ritz
13:04and so forth.
13:05Oh, thank you, sir.
13:06However,
13:07there is one small thing
13:08you might do for me.
13:10Yes.
13:12Captain Blackadder,
13:13I should esteem it
13:14a signal honour
13:15if you would allow me
13:16to escort your leading lady
13:18to the regimental ball
13:19this evening.
13:21My leading lady?
13:22The fair Georgina.
13:23Ah, ha, ha.
13:25Very amusing.
13:25Do you think
13:26she'll laugh in my face?
13:27I'm too old,
13:28too crusty?
13:29Uh, no.
13:30No, it's just that
13:32as her director,
13:32I'm afraid I could not allow it.
13:34I could always find
13:34another director
13:35who would allow it.
13:37Quite.
13:38Well, I'll see
13:39what I can do,
13:40but I must insist
13:40that she be home
13:41by midnight
13:42and that there be
13:42no hanky-panky,
13:44sir, whatsoever.
13:45I shall, of course,
13:45respect your wishes,
13:46Blackadder.
13:47However, I don't think
13:47you need to be
13:48quite so protective.
13:49I'm sure she's a girl
13:50with a great deal
13:50more spunk
13:51than most women you find.
13:54Oh, dear me.
13:56Absolutely not, sir.
13:57It's profoundly immoral
13:59and utterly wrong.
14:00I will not do it.
14:00We can always find
14:01another leading lady.
14:03Well, the dress
14:04will need a clean.
14:05Excellent.
14:06Now, the important thing is
14:07that Melchid should
14:07under no circumstances
14:08realise that you're a man.
14:10Yes, yes,
14:11I understand that.
14:11In order to ensure this,
14:12there are three basic rules.
14:14One, you must never,
14:15I repeat, never
14:16remove your wig.
14:18All right.
14:19Second, never say anything.
14:20I'm telling you
14:21at the beginning of the evening
14:22that you're saving your voice
14:23for the opening night in London.
14:24Excellent, sir.
14:25And what's the third?
14:26The third is most important.
14:28Don't get drunk
14:29and let him shag you
14:29on the veranda.
14:37How do I look, darling?
14:40Girl bait, sir.
14:41Pure bloody girl bait.
14:43Mustache?
14:43Bushy enough?
14:44Like a privet head, sir.
14:46Oh, good,
14:47because I want to catch
14:48a particularly beautiful creature
14:50in this bush tonight.
14:52I'm sure you'll be
14:53caming women
14:53out of your moustache
14:54for weeks, sir.
14:55God, it's a spankingly
14:57beautiful world
14:58and tonight's my night.
15:00I know exactly
15:01what I'll say to her.
15:02Darling.
15:03Yes, sir?
15:05What?
15:05Um, I don't know, sir.
15:07Oh, don't butt in.
15:08Of course, sir.
15:09I want to make you happy, darling.
15:11Well, that's very kind of you, sir.
15:13Can you kindly stop interrupting?
15:15If you don't listen,
15:16how can you tell me
15:16what you think?
15:17I want to make you happy, darling.
15:19I want to build a nest
15:20for your ten tiny toes.
15:22I want to cover every inch
15:23of your gorgeous body
15:25in pepper
15:25and then sneeze
15:26all over you.
15:27Oh, really, sir?
15:28I must protest.
15:29What is the matter
15:30with you, darling?
15:31Well,
15:32it's just all so sudden, sir.
15:35I mean, the nest bit's fine,
15:36but the pepper business
15:37is definitely out.
15:38How dare you tell me
15:40how I may or may not
15:41treat my beloved Georgina?
15:42Georgina?
15:43Yes?
15:44I'm working out
15:44what I want to say
15:45to her this evening.
15:46Oh, yes.
15:47Of course.
15:48Thank God.
15:49All right?
15:50Yes, sir.
15:51Listening, sir.
15:52Honestly, darling,
15:53you really are
15:53the most graceless,
15:54dim-witted bumpkin
15:56I ever met.
15:57I don't think
15:57you should say that to us.
15:59No!
16:02Where the hell's that, George?
16:03It's three o'clock
16:04in the morning.
16:04You should be careful
16:05wandering around
16:05the trench at night
16:06with nothing to protect
16:07his honour
16:07but a cricket box.
16:10Hello, Captain.
16:12About time.
16:13Where the hell
16:13have you been?
16:14Oh, I don't know.
16:14It's all been
16:15like a dream
16:16my very first ball.
16:18The music,
16:19the dancing,
16:20the champagne.
16:21My mind is a mad world.
16:23Half-whispered conversations
16:24with the promise
16:25of indiscretion
16:26ever hanging in the air.
16:27Oh, did that old
16:28stoat Melcher
16:29try for a snog
16:29behind the fruit cup?
16:31Certainly not.
16:32General behaved
16:33like a perfect gentleman.
16:34We tired the moon
16:35without talking
16:36about everything
16:37and nothing.
16:37The war,
16:38marriage,
16:39proposed changes
16:40to the LBW rule.
16:43Melcher doesn't
16:44marry, is he?
16:44No, no.
16:45All his life
16:46he's been waiting
16:46to meet the perfect woman
16:47and at last tonight
16:48he did.
16:50Some poor unfortunate
16:51had old walrus face
16:52dribbling in her ear
16:53all evening,
16:53did you?
16:54Oh, yes.
16:54As a matter of fact,
16:55I did have to drape
16:56a napkin over my shoulder,
16:57yes.
17:00George,
17:01are you trying to tell me
17:01that you are the general's
17:03perfect woman?
17:04Well, yes,
17:05I rather think I am.
17:07Well, thank God
17:08the horny old blighter
17:09didn't ask you
17:09to marry him.
17:14You did?
17:16Well, how did you
17:16get out of that one?
17:17Well, to be honest,
17:18sir, I'm not absolutely
17:19certain that I did.
17:20What?
17:21Well, you can't
17:22understand what it was like,
17:23sir, you know,
17:24the candles,
17:24the music,
17:25the huge moustache.
17:27I don't know what
17:28came over me.
17:28You said yes?
17:30Oh, after all,
17:31sir, he is a general.
17:32I didn't really feel
17:32I could refuse.
17:34He might have had me
17:34court-martialed.
17:35Whereas on the other hand,
17:36of course,
17:37he's going to give you
17:37the Victoria Cross
17:38when he lifts up
17:39your frock on the
17:39wedding night
17:41and finds himself
17:42looking at the
17:42last turkey in the shop.
17:45Yes, I know
17:46it's a mess, sir,
17:47but you see,
17:48you got me squiffy
17:48and then when he
17:49looked into my eyes
17:50and said,
17:51Chipmunk,
17:51I love you.
17:52Chipmunk?
17:54Yes, but it's
17:55his special name for me,
17:56you see.
17:56He says my nose
17:57looks just like a chipmunk.
17:58Oh, God.
17:59Well, it's serious,
18:00serious trouble here.
18:01If the general ever
18:02finds out the gorgeous
18:03Georgina is in fact
18:04a strapping six-footer
18:05from the rough end
18:06of the trench,
18:07it could precipitate
18:08the fastest execution
18:09since someone said,
18:10This guy forks, bloke,
18:12do we let him off
18:12or what?
18:17Hello?
18:19Yes, sir.
18:20Psst,
18:20straight away, sir.
18:22That was your fiancée,
18:25Chipmunk.
18:26He wants to see me.
18:28If I should die,
18:29think only this of me.
18:31I'll be back to get you.
18:37Sir,
18:38I can explain everything.
18:40Can you, Blackadder?
18:41Can you?
18:42Well,
18:43no, sir,
18:44not really.
18:45I thought not.
18:46I thought not.
18:47Who can explain
18:48the mysteries of love?
18:50I'm in love
18:51with Georgina, Blackadder.
18:52I'm going to marry her
18:53on Saturday
18:54and I want you
18:55to be my best man.
18:57I don't think
18:58that would be
18:58a very good idea, sir.
18:59And why not?
19:01Because there's
19:02something wrong
19:02with your fiancée, sir.
19:04Oh, my God,
19:05she's not Welsh, is she?
19:08No, sir.
19:09It's a terrible story,
19:10but true.
19:11Just a few minutes ago,
19:12Georgina arrived
19:13unexpectedly in my trench.
19:14She was literally
19:15dancing with joy,
19:16as though something
19:17wonderful had happened to her.
19:19Makes sense.
19:20Unfortunately,
19:20she was in such a daze,
19:21she danced
19:22straight through the trench
19:23and out into no-man's land.
19:25I tried to stop her,
19:26but before I could say
19:27don't tread on a mine,
19:29she trod on a mine.
19:31Oh, no!
19:32Well, I say a mine,
19:33it was more a cluster of mines.
19:35And she was blowing
19:36to smithereens
19:37and as she rocketed
19:38up into the air,
19:39she said something
19:40I couldn't quite catch,
19:41totally incomprehensible
19:42to me,
19:43something like,
19:43tell him his little chipmunk
19:45will love him forever.
19:47I mean, I...
19:47Oh!
19:49How!
19:50How!
19:51How!
19:52Whoa!
19:53It's heartbreaking, sir.
19:54I'm sorry, sir.
19:55Well, can't be helped,
19:56can't be helped.
19:58Well, it's jolly bad luck, sir.
20:00Hey-ho.
20:01And of course,
20:01on top of everything else,
20:03without your leading lady,
20:04you won't be able
20:04to put on the show.
20:06So no show,
20:07no London Palladium.
20:09On the contrary,
20:10I was simply intending
20:11to rename it
20:12the Georgina Melchit Memorial Show.
20:15Oh, no!
20:16Georgina was the only thing
20:17that made the show come alive!
20:18Apart from her,
20:19it was all awful!
20:21Awful?
20:21You'll never find
20:22another girl like Georgina
20:24by tomorrow.
20:25Well, it's funny
20:26you should say that, sir,
20:27because I think
20:27I already have.
20:28Who is she?
20:29Who is she?
20:30So come on, sir,
20:31who is she?
20:31Well, that's the problem,
20:32isn't it,
20:32having a bloody clue.
20:34The only attractive woman
20:36around here
20:36is carved out of stone
20:37called Venus
20:38and is standing
20:39in a fountain
20:39in the middle
20:40of the town square
20:41with water
20:41coming out of her armpits.
20:43So we're a bit stuck.
20:45Morning, chaps.
20:45Morning, Bob.
20:46Morning, Bob.
20:47You can say that again, George.
20:48We're in the stickiest situation
20:50since Sticky the Stick Insect
20:52got stuck on a sticky bun.
20:55We are in trouble.
20:57Not any longer, sir.
21:01May I present
21:02my cunning plan?
21:05Don't be ridiculous,
21:07Baldrick.
21:07Can you sing?
21:08Can you dance?
21:09Or are you offering
21:09to be sawn in half?
21:11I don't think those things
21:12are important
21:13in a modern marriage, sir.
21:15I offer simple home cooking.
21:18Our plan is to find
21:20a new leading lady
21:20for our show.
21:22What is your plan?
21:23My plan is that
21:24I will marry
21:25General Melchett.
21:27I am
21:28the other woman.
21:30Oh, well,
21:30congratulations, Baldrick.
21:32I hope you'll be very happy.
21:33I will, sir.
21:34Because when I get back
21:35from honeymoon,
21:36I will be a member
21:37of the aristocracy
21:38and you will have to
21:39call me me lady.
21:41What happened
21:41to your revolutionary principles,
21:43Baldrick?
21:43I thought you hated
21:44the aristocracy.
21:45I'm working to bring down
21:46the system from within, sir.
21:48I'm a sort of
21:49a frozen horse.
21:51Trojan horse.
21:53Anyway,
21:53I can't see
21:54what's so stupid
21:55about marrying
21:55into wealth and money
21:56and not having to
21:57sleep in a puddle.
21:58Or me?
21:59No.
22:00It's the worst plan
22:01since Abraham Lincoln
22:02said,
22:03oh, I'm sick of kicking
22:04around the house tonight.
22:05Let's go taking a show.
22:07For a start,
22:08General Melchett
22:09is in mourning
22:10for the woman
22:10of his dreams.
22:11He's unlikely
22:12to be in the mood
22:12to marry a two-legged
22:13badger
22:14wrapped in a curtain.
22:15Secondly,
22:16we are looking
22:17for a great entertainer
22:18and you're
22:19the worst entertainer
22:20since St. Paul
22:20the Evangelist
22:21toured Palestine
22:22with his trampoline act.
22:24Now we'll have
22:25to find somebody else.
22:27What about
22:27Corporal Cartwright, sir?
22:29Corporal Cartwright
22:30looks like an orangutan.
22:31I've heard
22:32of the bearded lady
22:33but the all-over
22:34body hair lady
22:35fatally just isn't on.
22:37Willis?
22:38Too short.
22:39Petheridge?
22:40Too old.
22:41Taplow?
22:42Too dead.
22:45Oh, this is hopeless.
22:47There just isn't anyone.
22:50Goodbye, goodbye
22:51Wipe the tear
22:52baby dear
22:53from your eye.
22:54What am I doing, Bob?
22:57Sir?
22:58Sir, what a brilliant idea!
23:01Bob, can you think
23:02of anyone
23:02who could be
23:03our leading lady?
23:11What do you think, Bob?
23:12One more?
23:12No, George.
23:13Always leave them hungry.
23:14Congratulations, Bob.
23:15I have to admit
23:16I thought you were
23:16bloody marvellous.
23:17Thank you, sir.
23:18Permission to slip
23:19into something
23:19more uncomfortable, sir?
23:20Permission granted.
23:22Oh, sir.
23:23It's going to be wonderful.
23:24Not just for me
23:25but for my little partner,
23:27Graham.
23:28Doing our Charlie
23:29tackling all round the world.
23:31Yes.
23:31From Shaftesbury Avenue
23:32to the Cote d'Azur
23:33they'll be saying
23:34I like the little black one
23:35but who's that
23:36Berkey sitting on?
23:37I'm not with you, sir.
23:39Of course not.
23:40But don't worry.
23:40We'll have years
23:41in luxury hotels
23:42for me to explain.
23:43Now you two
23:43get packing,
23:44get packing.
23:44The boat train
23:45leaves at six
23:45and we're going
23:46to be on it.
23:48Black Adam.
23:49Ah, darling.
23:49Everything all right?
23:50Oh, yes.
23:51Got the tickets?
23:52Oh, yes.
23:53Ah.
23:53Black Adam?
23:55Oh, hi, General.
23:56Enjoy the show?
23:56Don't be ridiculous.
23:57The worst evening
23:58I've ever spent in my life.
23:59I'm sorry?
24:00Will you stand still
24:01when I'm talking to you?
24:02If by a man's words
24:03shall he know him
24:04then you are a steaming
24:05pile of horse manure.
24:07But surely, sir,
24:08the show was a triumph.
24:08A triumph?
24:10The three twerps
24:11were one twerp short
24:12again.
24:14The slug balancer
24:15seems now to be doing
24:16some feeble impression
24:17of Buster Keaton.
24:20And worst of all
24:21the crowning turd
24:22in the water pipe
24:23the revolting drag act
24:25at the end.
24:27Drag act?
24:28Yes, poor Bob Parker
24:29is being made
24:30to look a total ass
24:31with a thin reedy voice
24:33and a stupid
24:34effeminate dancing.
24:35Ah.
24:36So the show's cancelled.
24:37Permanently.
24:38But what about
24:39the men's morale, sir?
24:40With the Russians
24:40out of the war
24:41and everything?
24:42Oh, for goodness sake,
24:43Black Adam,
24:43have you been living
24:43in a cave?
24:44The Americans
24:45joined the war yesterday.
24:47So how is that going
24:48to improve
24:48the man's morale, sir?
24:49Oh, because you
24:51gibbering imbecile
24:52they've brought with them
24:53the largest collection
24:55of Charlie Chaplin films
24:56in existence.
24:57Oh, I've lost patience
24:58with you.
24:58Fill him in, darling.
24:59Yes, sir.
25:01We received a telegram
25:02this morning
25:03from Mr. Chaplin himself
25:04at Senate Studios.
25:06Twice nightly screening
25:07of my films in trenches.
25:08Excellent idea.
25:09Stop.
25:10But must insist
25:11E. Blackadder
25:11be projectionist.
25:14Oh, P.S.
25:15Don't let him ever
25:17stop.
25:19Oh, great.
25:21No hard feelings,
25:21eh, Blackadder?
25:22Not at all, darling.
25:24Er,
25:25care for a licorice
25:26or salt?
25:30Well, thank you.