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00:06My name is Baldrick and this is my very own video diary about my latest adventure with
00:14Mr Blackadder. Having sorted the opening out it's time to look behind the scenes at the
00:37exciting world of filmmaking. This is the catering wagon and they've put out my
00:45own special lunch. This is Thai curry. You can see all the bits of Thai people in it.
00:51This is a ligament. I think it's a thumb ligament. Look, that's a little pink
00:58bits of willy. Over here there's a stew from some sort of animal. Don't know what it is but it's
01:06a hamster. That's nice. Of course I've got special access to all my film friends.
01:20Hello Stephen. Can you say something for my video diary? Leave me alone you great
01:26munch of them yellow-headed puss. Off. Go away. Go on. Tim. Shoo. No. Mr Firth can I?
01:36Hey. What do you think you're doing here? Oh hello. We're doing a bit of filming.
01:39Oh go on. No. Don't want to go. No let go. Ha! I thought that went quite well really.
02:06Aldrich, why may I ask you dressed like that? Would you like the short answer my lord or the long
02:11one?
02:11Oh the short one please. Whim. The short answer is whim. Yes my lord. What out of interest was the
02:20long answer?
02:21It was a whim. I think back at her in the end is based on the fact that Rowan is
02:26very good indeed at
02:27playing extremely ferocious tough characters. You're not eligible to vote. Why not? Because
02:34virtually no one is. Women, peasants, chimpanzees, lunatics, lords. That's not true. Lord Nelson's got a vote.
02:43He's got a boat, Baldrick. Your brain for example is so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal
02:51cracked your head open wouldn't be enough inside to cover a small water biscuit. Thank you very much.
02:56As a reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday. Did you enjoy it? Right.
03:01Villains are always more fun to play than good guys. That's a well-known fact. And I enjoy characters
03:10who have a vindictiveness in them. I always have done it. In the end it's just more fun.
03:16Lieutenant, revolver please. Oh now sir, you really shouldn't do this you know. Come on George,
03:21with 50,000 men getting killed a week who's going to miss a pigeon? What was fun I think was
03:26that by
03:26the time we finished the fourth series we got a bit into parodying ourselves. We were a bit saying well
03:31there's always one episode where we do this or one episode where we do that and Baldrick always says
03:35this and Blackadder says that. And coming back to it after ten years we'd forgotten some of that stuff so
03:40it was a bit like starting afresh which was fun. The strength of Blackadder had always been it was just
03:45dialogue in one room. A very witty dialogue. So what we had to do was give it a sense that
03:50this was
03:51going to be a bigger treat than usual and I hope we've pulled it off. I mean because you get
03:55all the
03:55qualities of the old Blackadder but on a kind of scale that is like a huge American movie.
04:06people in very short skirts my lord. And the whole reason we wrote this section is to get them in
04:13increasingly short skirts. So that's Rowan and Hugh's going to be with any luck two and a half inches
04:20shorter than that. And then Stephen's skirt is actually going to be above pant level. So that's
04:27what we spent the last hour rather pathetically talking about how high boy skirts can be.
04:33And that's the joke from this scene. I think that's it. Although Stephen is talking in Latin.
04:37And I think he's finding that quite tricky.
04:39The Tarquis and Artiscope is a Britannia Revocari and Cuitatum Nostrum Imperialum Defendum Constituate.
04:56They're very attractive kits aren't they? I think they do. Not as much as the interesting
05:01reconstructors who do it for fun at weekends but there we go. Have you seen them yet?
05:05Of course you've got to have marched 20 miles a day for a heck of a long time, been in
05:10the army
05:10for 25 years, fought heavy barbarians and lived on army cooking and that way you're either dead or you
05:15have huge muscular legs. You know mine are, what can I say, aesthetic.
05:20Then we're having an attack by Scottish horns.
05:25Action!
05:42Excuse me. Excuse me. I just wanted to ask why the director picked genuine Scottish people.
05:49Because we're pretty vicious.
05:56177 take two. A camera.
05:58Action!
06:01Hold it, hold it, hold it!
06:03F*** on!
06:13Great spirit of Jupiter. Our country is centuries ahead of theirs. Why, we have toilets.
06:19Wipe our bottoms with vinegar soaked sponges.
06:21Yes, and they wipe their bottoms with Roman soldiers.
06:24What's unusual about this is that this is on location and there's all, you know, there's no audience
06:28apart from the crew. But the actual making the series was in...
06:34We were two in front of, I don't know, sort of 300 people and on the night, no matter how
06:40carefully
06:40you decided to assemble your, uh, this delicately drawn portrait of a particular character on the night.
06:46And given the fear and adrenaline, I just go,
06:49And pull faces.
06:50Hurrah!
06:51Oh no! There I go again!
06:56Bravo!
06:57Bravo!
06:57La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
07:01Whoa, row, row, your pants gently down the stream, belts off, trousers down, isn't life a scream?
07:09Fabulous. University education. You can't beat it.
07:12The interesting thing is that Melchia is very like you, and George is very like me.
07:16It's funny how that happened.
07:17Well, there is a difference between the Elizabethan Melchia, if you want to find one, it's a little bit...
07:24I like to think there is, from within, he's rather more suave, whereas the later male shit just goes...
07:41Excellent native cockney waiter!
07:45OK, ready? Here we go!
07:47It's called a clever person's board. These are called clever person's boards, and they are for clever people to read.
07:56Ah! Pay attention, come on! But my news is, Rome, on all sides, is being attacked. Passive, you'll notice.
08:04But the emperor does nothing but poison his mother and marry his horse.
08:11Roll, please!
08:12162, take 7, pick up.
08:13I can't wait!
08:15I can't wait!
08:16Sinatrus corpus, prided laudet carded, quided laudet carded, tuus sumus subturi!
08:20Roacare!
08:21Sibitadum naltum!
08:25Do you see?
08:28Did you hear that boulders?
08:29No, my lord!
08:33El sed imperato!
08:34Nihil!
08:35Nihil!
08:36I'm sorry!
08:39Sometimes you laugh at things that you shouldn't be laughing, like sometimes Rowan stumbles on a line.
08:44And we shouldn't laugh at that, but we do.
08:48Brilliant! Just brilliant!
08:50Wow, Centurion! We are facing a horde of ginger maniacs with wild goats.
08:54No, no, dash, last.
08:57Stephen turns up as a Roman in the shortest skirt where he skirts up here, in a nappy.
09:03And it's always wonderful when you actually can't call cut because you're giggling so much.
09:09After three years of sub-zero temperatures, at last a sufficiently warm climate to allow my wedding tackle to descend
09:16from my armpit.
09:16Well, I did think you're in.
09:20Superb.
09:21Of course, you can go horribly wrong. It's a pretty mercurial thing in film crew.
09:24And you can have horrible days where nothing goes right and everyone gets very bad tempered.
09:28Except me, strangely.
09:29I'm almost endless patience and love of my fellow man.
09:32Action!
09:33Last one there gets hacked to pieces by Ron Stewart's great-great-grandfather.
09:45Excuse me.
09:46Yeah.
09:46Is it time for my interview yet?
09:48Well, I've got a few other things to do first.
09:50I'm free now.
09:50No.
09:51I've got a little window.
09:54It's well, absolutely yummy now.
09:56I've got to talk like a turd.
09:58Oh, what a pity.
10:14And action!
10:16Ah, Lord Blackadder.
10:18Your Majesty.
10:19Why are you looking so strange?
10:21You're wearing very weird clothes.
10:24You're looking rather old and ugly, actually.
10:27It took us forever finding Miranda.
10:29We interviewed, it seemed, every woman between the ages of 18 and 36.
10:34And we'd written a very shallow part.
10:36And Miranda, who's an extraordinary and weird performer, came in and gave it all this strange depth and mystery and
10:44violence and lunacy and childishness and stuff like that.
10:46So we changed it a lot for her, but cast her.
10:50Belchie?
10:51Yeah.
10:51Edmund has been very cheeky.
10:53Shall I laugh at him or chop his ugly head off?
10:56I think Elizabeth likes him because he can actually wheedle his, well, while his way out of a tricky situation,
11:04you know.
11:04She sets traps for him all the time.
11:06A present?
11:08Hmm.
11:08Ah, yes, certainly, Your Majesty.
11:10She surrounds herself with these court of basically fawning people, so she has a support system.
11:16There's, you know, the nurse who can talk to her like she's three.
11:20Girls are normally called Elizabeth.
11:22Or Mary.
11:23And Donald.
11:24Mouth is open, Nursey should be shut.
11:26That is true, sweet one.
11:28I had three sisters and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil.
11:31Then why's your name, Nursey?
11:32That is my real name.
11:33Isn't it?
11:34No.
11:35What is your real name, Nursey?
11:36Ah, Bernard.
11:39She's just a daft old e-egit, really.
11:42And she sits there and she loves her little babby.
11:44You know, she's like a mother hen by proxy and all the rest of it, isn't she?
11:49Scatological mind, but she doesn't obviously realise it is.
11:51It's natural to her talk about po-po's and things.
11:55You almost were a boy, my little cherry-pip.
11:57What?
11:58Yeah.
11:58Out you popped out of your mummy's tumkin and everyone shouted,
12:01It's a boy, it's a boy.
12:03And then someone said, But it hasn't got a winkle.
12:06And then I said, A boy without a winkle?
12:08God be praised, it's a miracle, a boy without a winkle.
12:14Melch, it's like a sort of, you know, a vuncular advisor who is incredibly vulnerable.
12:22Nice try, Melchie, but it's no use.
12:25I'm still bald.
12:26I'm very sorry, madam.
12:28Your royal father used to be very amused by my impersonation of Columbus.
12:32He built a flat halfway up her bottom.
12:35He spent his time flattering her, but also terrified at any moment.
12:39She would suddenly order his head chopped off,
12:40because she might think it would look nice on the end of a pike,
12:43because she's that kind of a girl.
12:45Grey, I suspect, Majesty.
12:47I think you'll find it was orange, Lord Melchard.
12:50Grey is more usual, ma'am.
12:53Who's queen?
12:56There were these magnificent orange elephants.
13:00She loves to tease them.
13:03It's usually the tease of the blade.
13:06Go forth and bring back lots more minty things in the next five minutes,
13:12or I'll come after you and crush your skull like an egg.
13:29Do you know what an arse head is?
13:31I've got a vague idea, my lord.
13:33Well, it's someone whose head looks like an arse,
13:36and out of whose mouth come things that resemble things that come out of an arse.
13:40Oh, right.
13:41So what are you, Bullock?
13:43Sounds very much to me, my lord, after weighing up all the forensic evidence.
13:46It's that I am, in fact, an arse head.
13:50That's right.
13:55Oh, I'm so sorry.
13:59I am sorry.
14:02Wait a minute.
14:03You're not.
14:04Colin Firth has actually refused to do all sorts of things for me throughout his career.
14:10So we thought we'd pay him back by having the shit kicked out of him.
14:15It all happened extremely suddenly.
14:17Yeah.
14:19That is for every schoolboy and schoolgirl for the next 400 years.
14:23So suddenly that I'm a little bit suspicious of how far down the list of choices I was, really.
14:27I know Colin thinks that he was low on the list, but it was only...
14:29I think he was...
14:34You know, he would have been...
14:35He was definitely in the top 20, down the bottom of the top 20.
14:38So it could have been worse.
14:39Oh, and now that is for Ken Branagh's endless uncut four-hour version of Hamlet.
14:48Who's Ken Branagh?
14:50I'll tell him you said that.
14:51And I think he'll be very hurt.
14:54These are the worst 30 seconds of Shakespeare's life.
14:59Robbing my name.
15:00Robbing my nature.
15:01Robbing babes of their bras.
15:02The rich of their cash.
15:03And everyone else in the UK that shows to be the coolest cat in the kingdom.
15:06Rob.
15:07Rob.
15:08Made Marry.
15:08And we needed someone new, so we thought we'd pick the best looking woman in Britain.
15:12Nay, the world.
15:13I...
15:15I'm snogging Robin Hood.
15:22And then...
15:24Oh!
15:25This is the first thing I've done I'm just doing, because I couldn't say no.
15:28Yeah.
15:29It's because it's Blackadder.
15:31Gorgeous.
15:33Ding-do.
15:36Chaos theory tells us that if a butterfly so much as breaks wind, it could cause a cataclysm.
15:42Blimey, we'd better be careful then, my lord, because when Robin Hood appeared back there,
15:46I let one go that will have killed every woodland creature for a hundred yards behind me.
15:50Well, exactly.
15:53Hello, I'm all prepared now.
15:54Yeah, all right, well, I will come and get you.
15:56Yeah, well, would you like to do it now, because I could just...
16:00Yeah, all right, thanks a lot. I'll come and get you.
16:05What's happening, my lord?
16:08Well, the words O and bugger would seem to be appropriate.
16:12One of the places in which they find themselves is in the company of this incredibly convincing dinosaur.
16:19We could afford a head and a leg, nothing in between, but it's very frightening from the inside of the
16:24time machine.
16:25One, two, three.
16:28Yeah, he didn't go up. It needs to go up immediately in the air as well, so the head's going
16:33up too late.
16:34Baldrick is the hero of the day, with a terrifying secret weapon.
16:42My pants.
16:43They are a little bit whiffy, aren't they? Sorry about that.
16:47Action. The underpants go in.
16:49One, we start sniffing.
16:51Two, we start going up with the mouth open, and three, we're away.
16:54Yeah, that's why.
17:02Okay, take three.
17:04Okay, and action.
17:12All flashing.
17:13Back in, back in, back in, back in.
17:15Big bounce.
17:17Big bounce.
17:18Pull the dinosaur out, come forward, guys.
17:24One, two, three.
17:25Okay, that's a little bit if you can.
17:26One, two, three.
17:29Okay, and start.
17:30Cut it there.
17:31Good.
17:32Very nice.
17:32Well done, everyone.
17:33Very good, very good.
17:34The great joy of doing it for the big screen is to be able to do stuff fantastically.
17:39You know, we didn't have many dinosaurs in back in, or spaceships, or huge rampant armies.
17:45so all of that was great fun you know this is not sophisticated humor but it makes you laugh
18:00every single i don't know what it is about our underpants and especially if they're
18:03rotten dirty and smelly my grandfather loved them so much he never took them off for his entire life
18:09and then my dad wore them for his entire life and now i've worn them for mine and
18:15they do have a lovely bouquet do you want to have a smell would you like can we put something
18:20for
18:20the underpants to lie on carry on slightly more forward on the obaga line is that possible
18:28taking the dampers off of those like this
18:36it's very funny
18:42they're lovely uniform today by the way oh thank you i think it works
19:00the french are portrayed in this uh scene today as being vaguely effeminate
19:06what's the best way
19:18bring news the english have reached waterloo good prepare to attack very well
19:23so may i just ask oh why do we want to invade britain in the first place we invade darling
19:30because the british think they are so tough they think we french are sissies they call
19:34as weeds and whoopsies and big girls' blouses.
19:37With respect, my emperor, we are whoopsies.
19:50Reality check.
19:51Watch is off.
19:52Watch is off, Sergeant.
19:55Earrings out.
19:56Earrings out, sir.
19:57Willie's in.
19:58Willie's in, Sergeant.
20:00Good.
20:01That's all right to go.
20:02Tim McInerney has to do two accents in the course
20:04of two minutes, which is very shattering for him as an actor.
20:08Perhaps we could teach them ballet,
20:10and then they will pull all their huge muscles
20:12and not be able to find them.
20:14Your Grace, the French are approaching.
20:15Excellent.
20:16I have a superb plan which cannot fail
20:18but results in the complete destruction of the French army.
20:21Splendid.
20:21Well, tell me at once, Your Grace,
20:22and I'll spread the news to the truth.
20:24Richard and Ben had always written him as Captain Cartwright
20:28because they couldn't think of a name that was funny
20:31and also characterful, but also believable.
20:36Tim couldn't quite fix on the character,
20:38and then Stephen thought of this idea of calling him Darling,
20:41which is quite ironic that Stephen should have done
20:43because there was actually a boy at my school called Darling
20:44who had a most awful life.
20:46It just popped into my head that he ought to have a name.
20:49All right, all right, all right.
20:50I'll deal with this, Darling.
20:51Tim being the one of laughter he is,
20:52as soon as he...
20:54You know, we did a few things of trying out,
20:55calling him Darling,
20:56and Blackadder coming in saying,
20:57Morning, Darling.
20:58He just developed a twitch in his left eye
21:00and the mannerism and the whole character was born.
21:03What the hell are you playing at, Darling?
21:05Don't be ridiculous, Darling.
21:07I did invent this twitch where it's a nervous tick, really.
21:11I mean, he's not even...
21:12He doesn't even know he's got it, really.
21:14But it does get worse at moments of tension,
21:15particularly with Blackadder.
21:16Good morning, Captain Darling.
21:18How are you feeling, Darling?
21:18A cup of coffee, Darling.
21:20What do you want, Darling?
21:23It's Captain Darling to you.
21:25Having done it for six weeks,
21:27it then took me, I think it was two months to get rid of it.
21:30There's a lovely and convenient misunderstanding
21:33that because Ben has a reputation for kind of knob gags,
21:36that it must be me, the quieter of the pair,
21:39who is the great historical expert.
21:41Whereas, in fact, it's the other way around.
21:42I write knob gags to please Ben,
21:44because I know they make him laugh.
21:46And Ben just couldn't be brighter about history.
21:48I know it's all about it.
21:50I don't know that I even know who won the battle of Waterloo.
21:54Well, well, the plan is...
21:56God, I'm brilliant.
21:57Do you know I surprise myself sometimes?
21:58I really do.
21:58Yeah.
21:59The plan is to allow the French to come within a hundred yards of us,
22:03and then, and this is the completely original and brilliant part,
22:10I can do my interview.
22:12I'll come and get you.
22:15I'm free.
22:16I'll service you whenever you like.
22:18Yeah, that's fine.
22:19Thanks, Lord.
22:21You know, the great shortage in our industry is writers,
22:27rather than people who can perform funny stuff.
22:31There are lots of funny actors about,
22:33very, very few funny writers,
22:35or very, very few writers with whom one feels a personal and professional empathy.
22:41And I feel it, obviously, fantastically with Richard, you know.
22:46Whenever I read anything which he's written for me,
22:48I just want to do it.
22:50I know I can do it.
22:50I know it's right for me.
22:51I know it's appropriate.
22:57He has a kind of, I would say, as a musical attitude to his lines.
23:02He kind of knows if they're properly written,
23:04exactly how he wants to say them,
23:06exactly what the rhythm of a line is.
23:09He has perfect pitch.
23:11He can get the perfect delivery.
23:12Right, Baldrick, let's try again, shall we?
23:15This is called adding.
23:17If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans,
23:22what do I have?
23:23Some beans.
23:26Yes, and no.
23:28Let's try again, shall we?
23:29I have two beans, then I add two more beans.
23:32What does that make?
23:33A very small casserole.
23:36Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this.
23:40It's therefore quite frustrating for him,
23:41because when he doesn't quite get it, he won't accept it,
23:44whereas many other people would say,
23:45well, that's pretty damn good.
23:47Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest breakthrough in travel since Mr.
23:51Oh, hello.
23:54Rowan has heard the perfect tune,
23:56and so when he gets a syllable roll,
23:58it's like a flat oboe in the corner of the orchestra.
24:00He just can't live with it, and he's horribly distracted
24:03by having made a tiny mistake.
24:11We've always made a lot of changes in rehearsal,
24:16because the standard set by John Lloyd was that we should try and make every single line
24:20as funny as we could.
24:21Offer his head!
24:22Oh, come on!
24:24No, I mean it.
24:26Ben writes in a very focused, punchy manner,
24:30and he writes very well, you know, for the kind of, you know,
24:35characters and attitudes that I think I can present.
24:38You look sweet as a little pie.
24:41Kate, he looks like what he is, a dung ball in a dress.
24:45The same dread hovers over the moment when you reach one of those stupid similes,
24:48and he goes, I'm as stupid as, and you think, oh no,
24:51this is going to take me an hour and a half,
24:53and Ben's going to say it's not funny.
24:55God, you really are as thick as clotted cream
24:58that's been left out by some clot until the clots are so clotted up
25:03you couldn't unclot them with an electric de-clotter, aren't you, Baldrick?
25:07This is as exciting as discovering that due to an administrative error,
25:11the new boy in the dorm is actually a girl with a big chest,
25:14a sense of adventure, and no pants.
25:17Okay, and action.
25:23One, take two.
25:32Take three, take four, take five.
25:36Well done, Baldrick. I'm, oh no, I'm so sorry.
25:42Well done, Baldrick.
25:50I'm so proud of you, I'm going to give you a wage rise.
25:52Thank you very much, my lord.
25:54Well, perhaps not all, all, all, no, argh!
26:02Well done, Baldrick.
26:04I'm so proud of you, I'm going to give you a wage rise.
26:07Thank you very much, my lord.
26:08Well, not all year, obviously, but, you know, at Christmas time.
26:13Well, perhaps not extra money, but, you know, some chocolates or something.
26:17A chocolate.
26:19After I've had a little nibble of it myself.
26:21Thank you very much, my lord.
26:23Good.
26:23Yeah.
26:23All right, Matt.
26:24There you go.
26:29Should we now?
26:30Yeah, okay.
26:30I'm really excited about this.
26:32All right, great, okay.
26:32Do I look all right?
26:33No, absolutely fine.
26:34I'm smart enough.
26:34No problem at all.
26:35Can I tell them that story about Stephen Fry and the thermostores?
26:38Yeah, I'll give you a cue when we're all ready.
26:39It's very funny.
26:40Okay.
26:40All right.
26:40Right, are we running?
26:42Speed.
26:43Okay, go.