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00:11Oh, God, why are they popper?
00:14Oh, it's to kill Jerry, isn't it, sir?
00:16Yes, but Jerry is safe underground in concrete bunkers.
00:19We've shot off over a million cannon shells, and what's the result?
00:22One Dachshund with a slight limp.
00:25Shut up!
00:28It's right, I'm off to bed, where I intend to sleep until my name changes to Rip Van Adder.
00:49The bloody Germans, they can't take a joke, can they?
00:52They just want to take a few potshots at them, they have to have an air raid to get their
00:55own back.
00:56Where are our air force?
00:57They're meant to defend us against this sort of thing.
01:02Right, that's it.
01:06Hello?
01:07Yes, yes, I'd like to leave a message for the head of the Flying Corps, please.
01:11To Air Chief Marshal Sir Hugh Massingbird, Massingbird, VC, DFC and Barr.
01:16Message reads, where are you, you bastard?
01:19Here I am, sir.
01:20For God's sake, Baldrick, take cover.
01:22Why's that, sir?
01:23Because there's an air raid going on, and I don't want to have to write to your mother at London
01:27soon.
01:27Let's tell her that her only human child is dead.
01:30All right, sir.
01:31It's just that I didn't know there was an air raid on.
01:34I couldn't hear anything over the noise of the terrific display by our wonderful boys at the Royal Flying Corps,
01:39sir.
01:40What?
01:40I say, those chaps can't have thunder in their airborne steeds, can't they, just?
01:46Oh, no, what's going on here?
01:47Game of hide and seek.
01:48Excellent.
01:48Right, sir.
01:49I'll go and count to a hundred.
01:50No, better make it five, actually.
01:52George.
01:52Oh, it's sardines.
01:53Oh, excellent.
01:54That's my favourite one, that.
01:55George.
01:56Yes, sir?
01:56Shut up and never say anything again as long as you live.
01:59Right, sir.
02:01Crikey, but what a show it was, sir.
02:03Lord Flashheart's Flying Aces.
02:05How he cheered when they spun.
02:06How he shouted when they dived.
02:08How he applauded when one chap got sliced in half by his own propeller.
02:12Why, it's all part of the junk for those magnificent men and their flying machines.
02:17For magnificent men read biggest show-offs since Lady Godiva entered the royal enclosure at Ascot,
02:22claiming she had literally nothing to wear.
02:25I don't care how many times they go up a diddly-up-up, but they're still gits.
02:29Oh, come on, sir.
02:30I'd love to be a flyer up there where the air is clear.
02:34The chances of the air being clear anywhere near you, Baldrick,
02:37are zero.
02:39Oh, sir, it'd be great swooping and diving.
02:47Baldrick.
02:50Baldrick.
02:51What are you doing?
02:53I'm a sopworth camel, sir.
02:55Oh, it is a sopworth camel.
02:56Ah, right, I always get confused between the sound of a sopworth camel
02:58and the sound of a malodorous runt wasting everybody's time.
03:02Now, if you can do without me in the nursery for a while, I'm going to get some fresh air.
03:09Ha!
03:10Eat knuckle, Fritz!
03:11Look!
03:13How disgusting!
03:14A bosh on the sole of my boot!
03:15I just have to find a patch of grass to wipe it on!
03:18Probably get shunned in the officer's mess!
03:19Sorry about the pong, you fellas.
03:20Trot in a bosh and can't get rid of the whiff!
03:23Do you think we could dispense with the hilarious doggy-do metaphor for a moment?
03:28I'm not a bosh.
03:28This is a British trench.
03:29Is it?
03:30Oh, that's a piece of luck.
03:31Thought I'd landed sausage side.
03:33Ha!
03:34Might as well use your phone.
03:36If word gets out that I'm missing, 500 girls will kill themselves.
03:39I wouldn't want them on my conscience.
03:40They ought to be on my face.
03:45Hi!
03:46Flash out here.
03:47Yeah.
03:47Cancel the state funeral.
03:49Tell the king to stop blubbing.
03:50Flash is not dead.
03:51I simply ran out of juice.
03:54Yeah, and before all the girls start saying,
03:56oh, what's the point living anymore,
03:57I'm talking about petrol.
03:58Woof!
03:59Woof!
04:00Yeah, I dumped the kite on the proles, so send a car.
04:02General Melchitz's driver should do.
04:03She hangs around with a big knob,
04:05so she abuse to a fellow like me.
04:06Woof!
04:06Woof!
04:07Look, do you think you can make your obscene phone calls somewhere else?
04:11No, not in half an hour, you rubber-desp Johnny!
04:14Send the bitch with the wheels right now,
04:16or I'll fly back to England and give your wife something to hang her towels on!
04:22Okay, dig out your best booze,
04:23and let's talk about me till the car comes.
04:26Yeah, I must be pretty impressed having squadron commander,
04:28the Lord Flashheart drop in on your squally bit of line.
04:31Actually, no.
04:32I was more impressed by the contents of my handkerchief
04:34the last time I blew my nose.
04:37Yeah, like how.
04:39You've probably got little pickies of me
04:40on the walls of your dugout, haven't you?
04:43I bet you go all girly and giggly every time you...
04:45No, no, no, I'm afraid not.
04:47Unfortunately, most of the infantry think you're a prat.
04:50Ask them who they'd prefer to meet,
04:51squadron commander Flashheart,
04:53and the man who cleans out the public toilets in Aberdeen.
04:55There you go for wee jock, poo-pong, McPlop.
05:05So when that fellow looped the loop,
05:08I honestly thought that...
05:10My God!
05:11Yes, I suppose I am.
05:13Lord Flashheart,
05:14this is the greatest honour of my life.
05:16I hope I snuff it right now
05:18to preserve this moment forever.
05:20It could be arranged.
05:22Lord Flashheart,
05:23I want to learn to write
05:24so I can send a letter home
05:26about this golden moment.
05:27So all the fellas hate me, eh?
05:30Not a bit of it.
05:31I'm your bloody hero, eh, old scout?
05:33Jesus!
05:34Now, Lord,
05:35I've got every cigarette card
05:37they ever printed of you.
05:38My whole family took up smoking
05:40just so that we could get the whole set.
05:43My grandmother
05:44smoked herself to death
05:46so we could afford the album.
05:47Of course she did.
05:48Of course she did,
05:49the poor love-crazed old Dr. Genere.
05:52Well, all right, you fellas.
05:53Let's sit us down
05:54and yawn about how amazingly attractive I am.
05:56Yes, would you excuse me for a moment?
05:58I've got some urgent business.
05:59There's a bucket outside
06:00I've got to be sickened here.
06:04All right, you chaps.
06:06Let's get comfy.
06:07You look like a decent British bloke.
06:09I'll park the old booties on you
06:10if that's OK.
06:11It would be an honour, my lord.
06:12Of course it would.
06:16Have you any idea
06:17what it's like
06:17to have the wind
06:18rushing through your hair?
06:20No, sir?
06:23He has.
06:25Lucky doesn't.
06:26So I flew straight
06:27through her bedroom window,
06:29popped a box of chops
06:29on the dressing table,
06:30machined on my telephone number
06:31into the wall
06:32and then shut off
06:32and shagged her sister.
06:36Driver Parkhurst
06:37reporting for duty, my lord.
06:38Well, well, well,
06:40if it isn't little Bobby Parkhurst,
06:41saucier than a direct hit
06:42on a Heinz factory.
06:44I've come to pick you up.
06:45Well, that's how I like my girls.
06:46Direct and to my point.
06:47Woof!
06:48Woof!
06:55Tally-ho, then.
06:56Back to the bar.
06:57You should join the Flying Corps, George.
06:59That's the way to fight a war.
07:00Tasty tuck,
07:01soft beds
07:02and a uniform so smart
07:03it's got a PhD from Cambridge.
07:05You could even bring
07:06the breath monster here.
07:08Anyone can be a navigator
07:09if he can tell his arse
07:09from his elbow.
07:10Well, that's boring out, I see.
07:12We're always looking for talented types
07:14to join the 20 Miniters.
07:15And there goes George.
07:17Tell me who, then, Bobby?
07:18Hush, here comes a whiz-bang
07:20and I think you know
07:21what I'm talking about.
07:22Woof!
07:22Woof!
07:24God, he's like crufts in here.
07:26What a splendid notion.
07:28The 20 Miniters.
07:29Soft tucker, tasty beds,
07:31fluffy uniforms.
07:32Begging your permission, sir,
07:34but why do they call them
07:35the 20 Miniters?
07:36Ah, now, yes.
07:37Now, this one is in my
07:38Brook Bond book of the air.
07:39Now, you have to collect
07:40all the cards
07:41and then stick them
07:41into this wonderful
07:42presentation booklet.
07:44Er, ah, here we are,
07:4520 Miniters.
07:46Oh, damn, I haven't got
07:47the card yet.
07:48Ah, but the caption says
07:4920 Minutes is the average
07:51amount of time
07:51new pilots spend in the air.
07:5320 Minutes?
07:54That's right, sir.
07:55I had a 20-hour watch yesterday
07:57with four hours overtime
07:58in two feet of water.
08:00Well, then, for goodness sake, sir,
08:01why do we join?
08:02Yeah, be better than
08:03just sitting around here
08:04all day on our elbows.
08:08No, thank you.
08:09I have no desire
08:09to hang around
08:10with a bunch of
08:11upper-class delinquents,
08:12do 20 Minutes work
08:13and then spend the rest
08:14of the day
08:15loafing about in Paris
08:16drinking gallons of champagne
08:17and having dozens
08:18of moist pink,
08:20highly experienced
08:21young French peasant girls
08:22galloping up and down my...
08:24Hang on.
08:28Cut.
08:31Ah, Captain Blackadder.
08:32Good morning, Captain, darling.
08:33What do you want?
08:34You're looking so well.
08:37I'm a busy man, Blackadder.
08:38Let's hear it, whatever it is.
08:39Well, you know, darling,
08:42every man has a dream.
08:44And when I was a small boy,
08:45I used to watch
08:46the Marsh Warblers
08:47swooping in my mother's
08:48undercroft.
08:50And I remember thinking,
08:51will men ever dare
08:52do the same?
08:53And you know...
08:54Oh, you want to join
08:55the Royal Flying Corps?
08:56Oh, that's a thought.
08:58Could I?
08:59No, you couldn't.
09:00Goodbye.
09:02Oh, come on, darling.
09:03Just give me
09:03an application form.
09:04It's out of the question.
09:05This is simply a ruse
09:06to waste five months
09:07of training,
09:07after which you'll claim
09:08you can't fly after all
09:09because it makes
09:09your ears go pop.
09:11Come on, I wasn't born
09:11yesterday, Blackadder.
09:12More's the pity
09:13we could have started
09:13your personality from scratch.
09:16So, the training period
09:17is five months, is it?
09:19It's no concern of yours
09:20if it's five years
09:21and comes with a free holiday
09:22in Tunisia,
09:23contraceptive supplied.
09:25Besides, they wouldn't admit you.
09:26It's not easy
09:26getting transfers, you know.
09:28No, you've tried it yourself,
09:29have you?
09:29No, I haven't.
09:30Trust you to try
09:31and skive off
09:32to some cushy option.
09:33There's nothing cushy
09:34about life
09:34in the Women's Auxiliary
09:35Balloon Corps.
09:39So then, the bishop said,
09:40I'm awfully sorry,
09:41I didn't realise
09:41you meant organist.
09:45Thank you, George.
09:47At ease, everybody.
09:47Now, where's my map?
09:48Come on, sir.
09:52God, it's a barren,
09:54featureless desert
09:55out there, isn't it?
09:56It's the other side, sir.
09:59Hello, George.
10:00What are you doing here?
10:01Me, sir?
10:02I just popped in
10:02to join the Royal Flying Corps.
10:04Hello, Blackadder.
10:05What are you doing here?
10:06Me, sir?
10:06I just popped in
10:07to join the Royal Flying Corps.
10:08And, of course, I said...
10:09Bravo, I hope, darling.
10:11Because, you know,
10:12I've always had my doubts
10:12about you trenchy-type fellows.
10:14Always suspected
10:15there might be
10:15a bit too much
10:16of the battle-dodging,
10:18nappy-wearing,
10:18I'd rather have a cup of tea
10:19than charred stark-naked
10:20and jerry about you.
10:22If you're willing
10:22to join the 20-minuters,
10:24then you're all right by me
10:25and welcome to marry
10:26my sister any day.
10:27Are you sure about this, sir?
10:28Certainly.
10:29You should hear the noise
10:30she makes
10:30when she eats a boiled egg.
10:32Learned to get her
10:33out of the house.
10:34So, report back here
10:350900 hours
10:36for your basic training.
10:38Crikey, I'm looking forward
10:39to today.
10:40Up, diddly up,
10:40down, diddly down.
10:41Whoops, poop, twiddly-dee.
10:44Decent scrap
10:44with a fiendish red baron
10:46bit of a jolly old
10:46crash-landing
10:47behind enemy lines.
10:48Capture, torture, escape
10:49and then back home
10:50in time for tea and metals.
10:52George,
10:53who's using
10:54the family brain cell
10:55at the moment?
10:57This is just
10:58the beginning of the training.
10:59The beginning of
11:00five long months
11:01of very clever,
11:02very dull men
11:03looking at machinery.
11:04Hey, girls,
11:04look at my machinery.
11:07Enter the man
11:08who has no underwear.
11:09Ask me why.
11:10Why do you have
11:11no underwear,
11:11Lord Flash?
11:12Because the pants
11:12haven't been built yet
11:13that'll take the job on.
11:16And that's the type of guy
11:17who's doing the training
11:18around here.
11:19Sit down.
11:20Well, well, well, well,
11:22well, if it isn't
11:23old Captain Slackbladder.
11:27Couldn't resist it,
11:28eh, Slackbladder?
11:28Told you you thought
11:29I was great.
11:30All right, men,
11:31let's do it.
11:33The first thing
11:34to remember is
11:35always treat your kite
11:36like you treat your woman.
11:40How do you mean, sir?
11:41Do you mean, um,
11:41do you mean take her
11:42home at the weekend
11:42to meet your mother?
11:44No, I mean get inside her
11:45five times a day
11:46and take her to heaven
11:46and back.
11:52I'm beginning to see
11:53why the suffragette movement
11:54want the vote.
11:56Hey, hey,
11:57any bird who wants
11:58to chain herself
11:58to my railings
11:59and suffer a jet movement
12:00gets my way.
12:02Right, well,
12:03I'll see you in ten minutes
12:03for take-off.
12:04Hang on, hang on.
12:06What about the months
12:07of training?
12:08Hey, wet pants,
12:09this isn't the
12:10Women's Auxiliary Balloon Corps.
12:11You're in the
12:1220 Miniters now.
12:13Sir?
12:14Yes, sir.
12:14Prat at the back.
12:16I think we'd all be
12:17intrigued to know
12:18why you called
12:19the 20 Miniters.
12:20Oh, Mr. Thicker,
12:22imagine not knowing that.
12:23Well, it's simple.
12:25The average life expectancy
12:26for a new pilot
12:27is 20 Minutes.
12:28Ah.
12:29Life expectancy
12:32of 20 Minutes.
12:33That's right.
12:34Goggles on,
12:34chocks away,
12:35last one backs a homo.
12:36Hooray!
12:40So,
12:41we take off
12:42in ten minutes.
12:43We're in the air
12:44for 20 minutes.
12:46Which means
12:46we should be dead
12:47by 25 to 10.
12:49Airy blighter, sir.
12:50This is a bit of a
12:51turn-up of the plus-fours.
12:52You shouldn't worry
12:53about it too much,
12:53like it.
12:55Flying's all about
12:56navigation.
12:59As long as you've
13:00got a good navigator,
13:01I'm sure you'll be fine.
13:12Actually,
13:13they're right.
13:13This is a double.
13:15Whoops,
13:15a little wobble there.
13:17I'll get the hang of it.
13:18don't worry.
13:18All right,
13:19Baldrick,
13:19how many rounds
13:19have we got?
13:20Uh,
13:20500, sir.
13:21Cheese and tomato
13:22for you,
13:22rat.
13:24That's all.
13:24Tally belly hell.
13:27What's this, sir?
13:28This?
13:28No!
13:29Baldrick,
13:30Baldrick,
13:30will you stop
13:31arsing about it?
13:32Get back on that.
13:34Hey, sir,
13:35look,
13:35I can see
13:36a pretty red plane
13:37from up here.
13:38Woo!
13:40Chill.
13:41I don't know.
13:43No.
13:43Watch out,
13:44Baldrick,
13:44it stood right
13:45on our tail.
13:47Yes,
13:47now,
13:48this is developing
13:48into a distinctly
13:49boring situation.
13:50Lucky you're still
13:50on our side
13:51of the line.
13:51Now,
13:52I'll crash the land
13:52and claim my ears
13:53when,
13:54oh,
13:54first time out.
13:55Oh,
13:55let's hope we call
13:56on something soft.
13:57Fine,
13:58I'll try and aim
13:58between General
13:59Melchard's ears.
14:02I don't believe it.
14:04A German prison cell.
14:05For two and a half years,
14:07the Western Front
14:07has been as likely
14:08to move
14:09as a Frenchman
14:09who lives next door
14:10to a brothel.
14:12Last night,
14:12the Germans advance
14:13a mile
14:13and we land
14:14on the wrong side.
14:15Oh,
14:16dear Captain B,
14:16my tummy's gone
14:17all squirty.
14:19That's because
14:19you're scared,
14:20Baldrick,
14:20and you're not
14:20the only one.
14:21I couldn't be
14:22more petrified
14:23if a wild rhinoceros
14:24had just come home
14:25from a hard day
14:25at the swamp
14:26and found me
14:27wearing his pyjamas,
14:28smoking his cigars
14:29and in bed
14:30with his wife.
14:31I've heard
14:32what these Germans
14:33will do,
14:33so they'll have
14:34their wicked way
14:35with anything
14:35of woman born.
14:36Well,
14:37in that case,
14:37Baldrick,
14:37you're quite safe.
14:39However,
14:39the Teutonic reputation
14:41for brutality
14:41is well-founded.
14:43Their operas
14:44last three or four days
14:46and they have
14:47no word
14:47for fluffy.
14:49I want my mum.
14:51Yes,
14:51it'd be good to see her.
14:52I should imagine
14:53a maternally outraged
14:54gorilla
14:54could be a useful ally
14:55when it comes
14:56to the final scrap.
14:59Prepare to die
15:00like a man,
15:01Baldrick,
15:01or as close as
15:02you can come
15:02to a man
15:03without actually
15:03shaving the palms
15:04of your hands.
15:08Good evening.
15:10I'm Oberloinsmann
15:11von Gerhardt.
15:12I have a message
15:13from the Baron
15:13von Richthofen,
15:14the greatest
15:15living German.
15:17Considering his competition
15:18consists entirely
15:18of very fat men
15:20in leather shorts
15:20burping to the tune
15:21of Schubert
15:22coming round the mountains,
15:23it is no great achievement.
15:25Great!
15:28And what is your message?
15:29It is
15:31prepare for a fate
15:32worse than death,
15:34English flying fellow.
15:35Well,
15:36so it's a traditional
15:37warm German welcome.
15:39Also,
15:39he is saying
15:40do not try to escape
15:41or you will suffer
15:42even worse.
15:43A fate worse
15:44than a fate worse
15:45than death.
15:46That's pretty bad.
15:48That's a guess
15:48that's a possible lot.
15:49Yes, well,
15:50you see,
15:50it's all very well
15:51for you,
15:51isn't it,
15:51sitting here behind
15:52your comfy desk?
15:54Don't you take
15:54that tone with me,
15:55Lieutenant,
15:55I'll have you
15:55on a charge
15:56for insubordination.
15:56Well,
15:56I'd rather be
15:57on a charge
15:57for insubordination
15:58than on a charge
15:58of deserting
15:59your friend.
16:00How dare you
16:00talk to me like that?
16:02How dare I?
16:02Now then,
16:02now then,
16:03now,
16:03now then,
16:04now then,
16:05now then,
16:06now,
16:06now then,
16:08what's going on here?
16:09That damn fool
16:09Blackadder has crashed
16:10his plane
16:10behind enemy lines,
16:11sir.
16:11This young idiot
16:12wants to go
16:12and try and rescue him.
16:13It's a total waste
16:14of men and equipment.
16:15He's not a damn fool,
16:16sir,
16:16he's a bummer hero.
16:17All right,
16:18all right,
16:18all right,
16:19I'll deal with this,
16:20darling.
16:20Delicate touch needed,
16:21I fancy.
16:22Now,
16:23George,
16:24you remember
16:24when I came down
16:25to visit you
16:25when you were a nipper
16:26for your sixth birthday?
16:27You used to have
16:27a lovely little rabbit.
16:28Beautiful little thing,
16:29do you remember?
16:30Flossie.
16:30That's right,
16:31Flossie.
16:32Do you remember
16:32what happened to Flossie?
16:34You shot him.
16:36That's right,
16:37it was the kindest thing
16:37to do after being run over
16:39by that car.
16:40By your car,
16:41sir?
16:42Yes,
16:42by my car,
16:43but that too
16:44was an act of mercy
16:45when you would remember
16:46that that dog
16:46had been set on him.
16:47Your dog,
16:47sir?
16:48Yes,
16:49yes,
16:49my dog,
16:50but what I'm trying
16:51to say,
16:51George,
16:51is that the state
16:52young Flossie was in
16:53after we'd scraped him
16:54off my front tire.
16:56It's very much
16:56the state
16:57that young Blackadder
16:58will be in now.
16:59If not very nearly dead,
17:00then very actually dead.
17:03Permission for lip
17:04to wobble, sir?
17:05Permission granted.
17:08Stout fellow.
17:10But surely so,
17:10you must allow me
17:11to at least try
17:11and save him.
17:12No, George,
17:13it would be as pointless
17:14as trying to teach a woman
17:15the value of a good
17:16forward defensive stroke.
17:17Besides,
17:18it would take a superman
17:19to get him out of there,
17:20not the kind of weed
17:21who blubs
17:22just because somebody
17:23gives him a slice
17:24of rabbit pie
17:24instead of bestie cake.
17:26I suppose you're right,
17:27sir.
17:27Of course I am.
17:28Now, let's talk about
17:29something more jolly,
17:30shall we?
17:31Look,
17:31this is the amount
17:32of land we've recaptured
17:33since yesterday.
17:34Oh, excellent.
17:35What is the actual scale
17:36of this map, darling?
17:38One to one, sir.
17:41Come again?
17:42The map is actually
17:43life-size, sir.
17:44It's superbly detailed.
17:45Look, there's a little worm.
17:47So the actual amount
17:48of land retaken is?
17:50Excuse me, sir.
17:5317 square feet, sir.
17:55Excellent.
17:56So you see,
17:56young Blackadder
17:57didn't die horribly
17:57in vain after all.
17:59If he did die, sir...
18:00That's the spirit, George.
18:02If nothing else works,
18:03then a total pig-headed
18:04unwillingness to look
18:05facts in the face
18:06will see us through.
18:11Sir,
18:13I am the Red Baron
18:14von Richterven.
18:15And you are the two
18:17English flying aces
18:18responsible for the
18:20spinning of the
18:20precious German blood
18:22of many of my finest
18:23and my blondest friends.
18:26I have waited
18:27many months
18:28to do this.
18:34You may have been
18:35right, Boulders.
18:36Looks like we're
18:37going to get
18:37Roger to death
18:38after all.
18:40Do you want me
18:41to go first, sir?
18:43Your English
18:44and your sense
18:45are human.
18:46During your brief stay,
18:47I look forward
18:48to learning more
18:48of your wit,
18:49your punning,
18:50and your amusing jokes
18:51about the breaking
18:52of the wind.
18:54Well, Boulders
18:55is the expert there.
18:56I certainly am, sir.
18:59How lucky
19:00your English
19:00are to find
19:01the toilet so amusing.
19:02For us,
19:03it is a mundane
19:04and functional item.
19:05for you,
19:07the basis
19:07of an entire culture.
19:12I must now tell you
19:13of the full horror
19:14of what awaits you.
19:16Ah, you see,
19:16Boulders,
19:17dress it up
19:17having any amount
19:17of pompous verbal
19:18diarrhoea,
19:19and the message is,
19:20square heads down
19:21for the big
19:21Bosch gangbang.
19:23As an officer
19:24and a gentleman,
19:25you will be looking
19:26forward to a quick
19:27and noble death.
19:29Well, obviously.
19:30But instead,
19:31an even worse fate
19:33awaits you.
19:34Tomorrow,
19:34you will be taken
19:35back to Germany.
19:36Here it comes.
19:37For a convent school
19:39outside Heidelberg,
19:41where you will spend
19:42the rest
19:42of the war
19:43teaching
19:44the young girls
19:45home economics.
19:48For you,
19:49as a man of honour,
19:51the humiliation
19:52will be unbearable.
19:55I think you'll find
19:56we're tougher
19:56than you imagine.
19:57I can tell
19:58how much you're suffering
19:59by your long faeces.
20:02We're not suffering
20:03too much
20:04to say thank you.
20:05Say thank you,
20:06Baudry.
20:06Thank you,
20:07Baudry.
20:08How amusing!
20:10But now,
20:11forgive me.
20:12I must take
20:13to the skies
20:14once again.
20:15Great funny.
20:15The noble Lord
20:16Flashheart
20:17still eludes me.
20:18I think you'll find
20:19he's overrated.
20:20Bad breath
20:21and impotent,
20:22they say.
20:24Sexual innuendo!
20:26But enough of this.
20:28As you say in England,
20:29I must fly.
20:33Perhaps I will
20:34master this humour
20:35after all, yeah?
20:36I wouldn't be
20:36too honest.
20:38He's a little fella.
20:40If you get lonely
20:41in the night,
20:41I'm in the old chateau.
20:42There's no pressure.
20:46That was Bradford!
20:49Is it really true, sir?
20:50Is the war
20:51really over for us?
20:52Yep.
20:53Out of the war
20:53and teaching nuns
20:55how to boil eggs.
20:56For us,
20:57the great war
20:57is finito.
20:58A war that would be
20:59a damn sight simpler
21:00if we just stayed in England
21:01and shot 50,000
21:02of our men a week.
21:04No more mud,
21:05death,
21:05rats,
21:06bombs,
21:06shrapnel,
21:07whiz-bangs,
21:08barbed wire
21:08and those bloody awful songs
21:10that have the word
21:10whoops in the title.
21:12Oh, damn,
21:13he's left the door open.
21:15Oh, good,
21:15we can escape, sir.
21:16Are you mad,
21:17Balbricht?
21:18Now, find someone
21:18to look it for us.
21:20Shush,
21:20TV!
21:21Mum's the word,
21:21not half,
21:22or what?
21:24Sir,
21:25why did you just
21:26slam the door
21:26on Lieutenant George?
21:27I can't believe it.
21:28Go away!
21:30It's me!
21:31It's me!
21:31But what the hell
21:32are you doing here?
21:33Oh, never mind
21:33the howls
21:34and the whys
21:35and the...
21:35Do you mind
21:35if I don't?
21:37I'll take a superman
21:38to get in here.
21:38Well, it's funny
21:39you should say that
21:39because, as it happens,
21:40I did have some help
21:41from a rather spiffing bloke.
21:43He's taken a break
21:44from some crucial
21:44top-level shagging.
21:49It's me!
21:50Hooray!
21:54God's potatoes, George!
21:55You said
21:55noble brother flyers
21:56were in the lurch.
21:57If I'd known you
21:57meant old slack bladder
21:58and the mound
21:59of the hound
22:00of the Baskervilles,
22:01I'd probably let them
22:02skew in their own juice.
22:03And let me tell you,
22:04if I ever tried that,
22:05I'd probably drown.
22:10Chill!
22:10Since I'm here,
22:11I may as well
22:11do it!
22:13As the bishop said
22:14to the netball team.
22:15Come on, chums!
22:22Come on!
22:23Skip!
22:23Look, I'm sorry, chaps,
22:25but I've splintered
22:25my pancreas.
22:27And I seem to have
22:28this terrible cough.
22:29Cards!
22:30Cards!
22:30Wait, wait, wait,
22:31wait a minute.
22:34Now, I may be
22:34packing the kind
22:35of tackle
22:36that you'd normally
22:37expect to find
22:37swinging about
22:38between the hind legs
22:39of a Grand National winner.
22:41But I'm not
22:42totally stupid.
22:44I've got the kind
22:45of feeling
22:45you'd rather
22:46we hadn't come.
22:46No, no, no.
22:47I'm very grateful.
22:48It's just that
22:48I'd slow you up.
22:49I think I'm beginning
22:50to understand.
22:51Are you?
22:53Just because I can
22:54give multiple orgasms
22:55to the furniture
22:56just by sitting.
22:58It doesn't mean
22:58that I'm not sick
22:59of this damn war.
23:01The blood,
23:02the noise,
23:03the endless poetry.
23:06Tell me really
23:06what you think,
23:07Flashheart.
23:08Of course it's not
23:08what I think.
23:09Now, get out
23:10that door
23:10before I redecorate
23:11that war
23:11in an interesting
23:12new colour
23:12called Hint of Brain.
23:14Excellent.
23:14Well, that's clear.
23:15Let's get back
23:15to that lovely war, then.
23:16What?
23:17What?
23:17Mark!
23:20You're not so fast,
23:21Black learner.
23:22Oh, damn.
23:23Foiled again.
23:24What bad luck.
23:25Ah, and the Lord
23:26Flashheart.
23:27This is indeed
23:28an honour.
23:29Finally,
23:30the two greatest
23:30gentlemen flyers
23:31in the world meet.
23:33Two men of honour
23:34who are justed together
23:35in the cloud-strewn
23:36glory of the skies
23:37face to face
23:39at last.
23:40How often I have
23:41rehearsed this moment
23:41of destiny
23:42in my dreams.
23:43The valour
23:44V to encapsulate
23:45the unspoken
23:46nobility
23:46of our comradeship.
23:59Hello, darling.
24:01Good morning.
24:02Captain Blackadder,
24:03I thought you were...
24:03Playing tennis?
24:05No.
24:06Dead?
24:06Well, yes,
24:07unfortunately.
24:08Well, I had a lucky escape.
24:09No thanks to you.
24:10This is a friend of mine.
24:12Ah!
24:14Hi, Pete.
24:15Flash out.
24:16This is Captain Darling.
24:17Captain Darling?
24:17Funny name for a guy,
24:19isn't it?
24:20Last person I called
24:21Darling was pregnant
24:2120 seconds later.
24:24Hey, you couldn't be
24:25bothered to help
24:26old Slacky here.
24:27Oh, well,
24:27it wasn't quite that, sir.
24:28It's just that we
24:29weighed up the pros and cons
24:30and decided it wasn't
24:31a reasonable use
24:31of our time and resources.
24:33Well, this isn't a reasonable
24:34use of my time and resources,
24:35but I'm going to do it anyway.
24:36What?
24:37This.
24:38Oh!
24:43All right, Slacky.
24:44All right, Slacky.
24:45I've got to fly.
24:46Two million chicks
24:47only one flash, Art.
24:49Remember, if you want
24:51something, take it.
24:52Bobby!
24:54My lord.
24:55I want something.
24:55Take it.
24:58Yes.
25:00Ah, Blackadder,
25:01so you escaped.
25:02Yes, sir.
25:03Bravo.
25:03Don't slouch, darling.
25:05I was wondering whether,
25:06having been tortured
25:07by the most vicious sadists
25:08of the German army,
25:09I might be allowed
25:10a week's leave
25:10to recuperate, sir.
25:11Excellent idea.
25:12Your commanding officer
25:13would have to be
25:13stark raving mad
25:14to refuse you.
25:15Well, you are
25:16my commanding officer.
25:18Well?
25:18Can I have a week's leave
25:20to recuperate, sir?
25:21Certainly not.
25:21Thank you, sir.
25:22There.
25:23Here.
25:23There.
25:24There.