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00:01Oh, Mr. Blackadder?
00:02Leave me alone, Balric. If I'd wanted to talk to a vegetable, I'd have bought one at the market.
00:07Don't you want this message?
00:09No, thank you.
00:09God, I'm wasted here.
00:11There's no life for a man of noble blood being served into a master with the intellect of a jugged
00:16walrus and all the social graces of a potty.
00:20I'm wasted, too. I've been thinking of bettering myself.
00:23Oh, really? How?
00:24I applied for the job of village idiot of Kensington.
00:28Get anywhere?
00:29I got down to the last two, but I failed the final interview.
00:32Oh, what went wrong?
00:33I turned up.
00:35You're such an idiot, you forgot to.
00:37Yes, I'm afraid my ambition's stretched slightly further than professional idiocy in West London.
00:42I want to be remembered when I'm dead.
00:43I want books written about me. I want songs sung about me.
00:47And then hundreds of years from now, I want episodes from my life to be played out weekly at half
00:52-past nine by some great heroic actor of the age.
00:56Yeah. And I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard.
01:00Not quite. Now, what's this message?
01:02I thought you didn't want it.
01:03Well, I may do. Depends what it is.
01:04So, you do want it?
01:06Well, I don't know, do I? Depends what it is.
01:07Well, I can't tell you what it is unless you want to know. And you said you didn't want to
01:10know. And now I'm so confused. I don't know where I live or what my name is.
01:13Your name is of no importance. And you live in the pipe in the upstairs water closet.
01:19Oh, God. Was the man who gave you this, by any chance, a red-headed lunatic with a kilt and
01:23a claymore?
01:24Yeah. And the funny thing is, he looked exactly like you.
01:27My mad cousin, Macadder. The most dangerous man ever to wear a skirt in Europe.
01:32Yeah. He'd come in here playing the bagpipe and said he made a haggis, sang Auld Lang Syne and punched
01:37me in the face.
01:39Why?
01:40Because I called him a not-kneed Scottish pillock.
01:42An unwise action, Baldrick, since mad Macadder is a homicidal maniac.
01:46My mother told me to stand up to homicidal maniacs.
01:49Yeah, so this is the same mother who confidently claims that you are a tall, handsome stallion of a man.
01:55I should treat her opinions with extreme caution.
01:58Well done, my mum.
01:59And I love chops and sauce, but I don't seek their advice.
02:02And I hate it when Macadder turns up. He's such a frog-eyed, beetle-browed basket case.
02:08He's the spitting image of you.
02:10No, he's not.
02:11About as similar as two completely dissimilar things in a pod.
02:16There's the old tartan throwback banging on about this time.
02:19Have come south for rebellion.
02:21Oh, God.
02:22Surprise, surprise.
02:23Staying with McGins.
02:25The time has come.
02:26Best sword in Scotland.
02:28Insurrection.
02:28Blood.
02:29Large bowl of porridge.
02:31The rightful claim to the throne.
02:33He's mad.
02:34He's mad!
02:35He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of last year's Mr. Madman competition.
02:43The walrus awakes.
02:47Blackadder.
02:48Notice anything unusual?
02:50Yes, sir.
02:51It's 11.30 in the morning and you're moving about.
02:54Is the bed on fire?
02:57Well, I wouldn't know.
02:58I've been out all night.
03:00Guess what I've been doing?
03:05Beagling, sir?
03:07Better even than that.
03:09Sink me, Blackadder, if I haven't just had the most wonderful evening of my life.
03:13Tell me all, sir.
03:14Well, as you know, when I set out, I looked divine.
03:17At the party, as I passed, all eyes turned.
03:20And I dare say, quite a few stomachs.
03:22Well, that's right.
03:23And then, these two ravishing beauties came up to me and whispered in my ear that they loved me.
03:31And what happened after you woke up, sir?
03:34This was no dream, Blackadder.
03:37Five minutes later, I was in a coach, flying through the London night, bound for the ladies' home.
03:41Oh, and which ladies' home is this?
03:43A home for the elderly or a home for the mentally disadvantaged?
03:47No, no, no, no, no, no.
03:49This was Apsley House.
03:50Do you know it?
03:51Yes, sir. It is the seat of the Duke of Wellington.
03:54Those ladies, I fancy, would be his nieces.
03:56Oh, so you fancy them too?
03:57Well, I don't blame you.
03:59Bravo!
03:59Oh, I spent a night of ecstasy with a pair of Wellingtons, and I loved it.
04:04Sir, it may interest you to know that the Iron Duke has always let it be known
04:07that he will kill in cold blood anyone who takes sexual advantage of any of his relatives.
04:12Yes, but big-nosed Wellington is in Spain, fighting the French, you'll never know.
04:16On the contrary, sir, Wellington triumphed six months ago.
04:18I'm dead.
04:20It would seem so, sir.
04:22I've got a prayer, have I, Blackadder?
04:24Against throat-slasher Wellington, the finest blade his majesty commands.
04:28Not really, no.
04:29Well, then I shall flee.
04:30How's your French, Blackadder?
04:32Parfait, monsieur, but I fear France would not be far enough.
04:35Well, how's your Mongolian?
04:37Chang-ha-tang-mato-mato.
04:40But I fear Wellington is a close personal friend of the chief Mongol.
04:43They were at Eton together.
04:45I'm doomed, doomed as the dodo.
04:48Oh, my God, he's here!
04:49Wellington's here already!
04:51Oh, your grace, forgive me, forgive me.
04:52I didn't know what I was doing.
04:53I was a mad, mad, sexually overactive fool.
04:57Sir, it's Baldrick.
04:58You're perfectly safe.
05:00Hurrah!
05:01Ah, until six o'clock tonight.
05:03Hurrah!
05:04From the Supreme Commander, Allied Forces Europe.
05:06Sir, prince or pauper, when a man soils a Wellington, he puts his foot in it.
05:12In brackets, this is not a joke.
05:14I do not find my name remotely funny, and people who do end up dead.
05:19I challenge you to a duel tonight at 1800 hours, in which you will die.
05:23Yours with sincere apologies for your impending violent slaughter.
05:26Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington.
05:28Sounds nice, polite, sort of bloke.
05:32No, don't worry, sir, please.
05:34Just consider that life is a valley of woe, filled with pain, misery, hunger and despair.
05:39Well, not for me, it bloody isn't.
05:40As far as I'm concerned, life is a big palace full of food, drink and comfy sofas.
05:44May I speak, sir?
05:46Certainly not, Baldrick.
05:47The prince is about to die.
05:48The last thing he wants to do in his final moments is exchange pleasantries with a certified plum duff.
05:54Easy, Blackadder. Let's hear him out.
05:56Very well, Baldrick.
05:57We shall hear you out, then throw you out.
06:01Well, Your Majesty, I have a cunning plan which could get you out of this problem.
06:06Don't listen to him, sir.
06:07It's a cruel proletarian trick to raise your hopes.
06:09I shall have him shocked the moment he's finished clearing away your breakfast.
06:13Wait, Blackadder.
06:14Perhaps this disgusting, degraded creature is some sort of blessing in disguise.
06:18Well, if he is, it's a very good disguise.
06:20After all, did not our lord send a lowly earthworm to comfort Moses in his torment?
06:25Nope.
06:27Well, it's the sort of thing you might have done.
06:28Well, come on, Mr. Spotty, speak.
06:30Well, Your Majesty, I just thought, this Wellerton bloke's been in Europe for years.
06:34You don't know what he looks like.
06:36He don't know what you look like.
06:38So why don't you get someone else to fight the duel instead of you?
06:42I'm the Prince Regent.
06:44My portrait hangs on every wall.
06:46Answer that, Baldrick.
06:47Well, my cousin Bert Baldrick, Mr. Gainsborough's butler's dog's body,
06:51he says that he's heard that all portraits look the same these days
06:54because they're painted to a romantic ideal rather than as a true depiction
06:58of the idiosyncratic facial qualities of the person in question.
07:03Your cousin Bert obviously has a larger vocabulary than you do.
07:07No, no, no, he's right, damn him.
07:10Anybody could fight the duel, Willows would never know.
07:12All the same, so Baldrick's plan does seem to hinge
07:14on finding someone willing to commit suicide on your behalf.
07:18Yes, yes, yes, but he would be fabulously rewarded.
07:21Money, titles, castle.
07:23A coffin, and...
07:25That's right.
07:25I thought maybe Mr. Blackadder himself would fancy the job.
07:29What a splendid idea.
07:31Excuse me, Your Highness.
07:32Trouble with the stuff.
07:38Baldrick, does it have to be this way?
07:40Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you into long strips
07:43and telling the prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid
07:47in an extremely heavy hat.
07:49Mr. Blackadder, you was only just saying in the kitchen
07:52how you wanted to rise again.
07:53Now here the prince is offering you the lot.
07:55But, tiny, tiny brain, the iron juke will kill me.
07:58To even think about taking him on,
08:00you'd have to be some kind of homicidal maniac
08:02who's fantastically good at fighting, like McCadder.
08:05Like McCadder.
08:06Like McCadder could fight that jewel for me.
08:09My apologies, sir.
08:10I was just having a word with my insurance people.
08:13And obviously, I would be delighted to die on your behalf.
08:17God's toenails, Blackadder.
08:18I'm most damnably grateful.
08:19You won't regret this, you know.
08:20Well, that's excellent.
08:21There's just one point, sir.
08:23Ray, the suicide policy.
08:25There is an unusual clause which states that the policyholder
08:28must wear a big red wig and affect a Scottish accent in the combat zone.
08:32Small print, eh?
08:36Ah, Mrs. Miggins.
08:38Am I to gather from your look of pie-eyed exhaustion
08:41and the globules of porridge hanging off the wall
08:43that my cousin McCadder has presented his credentials?
08:46Oh, yes, indeed, sir.
08:48You've just missed him.
08:49I hope he's been practising with his claymore.
08:52Oh, I should say so.
08:54I'm as weary as a dog with no legs that's just climbed Ben Nevis.
08:59Claymore is a sword, Mrs. Miggins.
09:00See this intricate wood-carving of the infant Samuel at prayer?
09:04He whittled that with the tip of his mighty weapon with his eyes closed.
09:08Yes, it's...
09:09He bid me bite on a plank.
09:11There was a whirlwind of steel,
09:12and within a minute, three men lay dead,
09:14and I had a lovely new set of gnashers.
09:17Really?
09:18Well, look, just tell him to meet me here at five o'clock, will you,
09:20to discuss an extremely cunning plan.
09:22If all goes well, by tomorrow,
09:24the clan of McCadder will be marching the high road back to glory.
09:27Oh, lovely.
09:29I'll do you a nice packed lunch.
09:31Good news, your highness.
09:32This evening, I will carve the duke into an attractive piece of furniture
09:35with some excellent dental work.
09:38Ryan?
09:40Your highness.
09:41Oh!
09:42Oh, thank God it's you, Blackadder.
09:43I've just had word from Wellington.
09:45He's on his way here now.
09:46Oh, that's awkward.
09:47The duke must believe from the very start that I am you.
09:50Well, any ideas?
09:51There's no alternative, sir.
09:52We must swap clothes.
09:54Oh, fantastic.
09:55Yes, dressing up.
09:56I love it.
09:57It's like that story,
09:58the prince and the porpoise.
10:00And the pauper.
10:02Oh, yes, yes.
10:03The prince and the porpoise and the pauper.
10:05Excellent.
10:09Excellent.
10:09Why, my own father wouldn't recognise me.
10:11Your own father never can.
10:13He's mad.
10:14Oh, yes.
10:15Unfortunately, sir, you do realise that I shall have to treat you like a servant.
10:19Oh, I think I can cope with that.
10:20Thank you, Blackadder.
10:21And you'll have to get used to calling me your highness, your highness.
10:25Your highness, your highness.
10:28No, just your highness, your highness.
10:29That's what I said.
10:30Your highness, your highness.
10:31Your highness, your highness.
10:34Yes, let's just leave that for now, shall we?
10:36Complicated stuff, obviously.
10:38Who knows he's here.
10:40But what?
10:41Who?
10:42Where?
10:43How?
10:44Don't even try to work it out, Baldrick.
10:46Two people you know well have exchanged coats, and now you don't know which is which.
10:50I say, I'm pretty confused myself.
10:52Which one of us is Wellington?
10:56Wellington is the man at the door.
10:58Oh, the porpoise?
11:04Hasn't arrived yet, sir.
11:05We'll just have to fill in as best we can with that.
11:08Sir, if you would let the duke in.
11:10Certainly, your highness, your highness.
11:14And you'd better get out too, Baldrick.
11:16Yes, your highness, your highness.
11:19If only they had a brain cell between them.
11:23The duke of Wellington.
11:25Have I the honour of addressing the Prince Regent, sir?
11:28You do?
11:28Who?
11:29Congratulations, highness.
11:31Your bearing is far nobler than I've been informed.
11:33Take my hand at once, sir, unless you wish to feel my boot in your throat,
11:36and be quicker about it than you were with a door.
11:38Yes, my lord.
11:39I'm a duke, not a lord.
11:40Don't you train the dago dancing class?
11:43Should I have my people thrash him for you, highness?
11:45Um, no, he's very new.
11:47At the moment, I'm sparing the rock.
11:48Yeah, fatal error.
11:49Give him an inch, and before you know it, they've got a foot.
11:51Much more than that, you don't have a leg to stand on.
11:54Get out!
11:57Closure, to business.
11:59I am informed that your royal father grows ever more eccentric,
12:02and at present he believes himself to be a small village in Lincolnshire,
12:07commanding spectacular views of the Neen Valley.
12:11I therefore pass my full account of the war on to you, the Prince of Wales.
12:14Oh, that's excellent. Thank you.
12:16We won.
12:18Signed, Wellington.
12:19That's something that's right well.
12:21Was there anything else?
12:22Two other trifling affairs, sir.
12:24The men had a whip round and got you this.
12:26Well, what I mean is, I had the men randly whipped until they got you this.
12:29It's a Cibarillo case,
12:31engraved with a regimental crest of two crossed dead Frenchmen,
12:34emblaid on a mound of dead Frenchmen motif.
12:39Thank you very much.
12:40And the other trifling thing?
12:41Your impending death, highness.
12:43Oh, yes, of course.
12:44Mine like a sieve.
12:45I cannot deny.
12:47I'm looking forward to it.
12:48Britain has the finest trade,
12:49the finest armies,
12:50the finest navies in the world.
12:52And what do we have for royalty?
12:53A mad kraut sausage sucker
12:55and a son who can't keep his own sausage to himself.
12:59The sooner you're dead, the better.
13:01You're very kind.
13:02Now, you're no doubt anxious to catch up with the latest news of the war.
13:05I have here the most recent briefs from my general in the field.
13:08Yes, well, if you could just pop them in the laundry basket on the way out.
13:11Tea?
13:12Yes, immediately.
13:15Now, let's turn to the second front, my lord.
13:18Ah, yes.
13:18Now, as I understand it,
13:20Napoleon is in North Africa
13:22and Nelson is stationed in...
13:24Alaska, your highness.
13:25In case bonies should try and trick us by coming via the North Pole.
13:31Yes, perhaps a preferable stratagem, your grace,
13:33might be to harry him amidships
13:35as he leaves the Mediterranean.
13:37Uh, Trafalgar might be quite a good...
13:40Trafalgar?
13:40Well, I'll mention it to Nelson.
13:42I must say, I'm beginning to regret the necessity of killing you, your highness.
13:45I've been told by everybody
13:46that the prince was a confounded moron.
13:48Oh, no, no, no, no.
13:49Oh, Helen Buckshot,
13:51here's that tiresome servant of yours again.
13:53Oh, budge up, budge up.
13:55How dare you sit, sir, in the presence of your beggars?
13:58Get up!
13:58Oh, Christ, yes, I forgot.
14:00You speak when you're spoken to!
14:02Unless you've got to be flayed across a gun carriage!
14:04Well?
14:07Sir, sir, I fear you have been too long a soldier.
14:09We no longer treat servants that way in London society.
14:12Why, I hardly touch the man.
14:14I think you hit him very hard.
14:16Nonsense!
14:17That would have been a hard hit!
14:19I just hit him like that!
14:22No, sir.
14:22A soft hit would be like this.
14:25Whereas you hit him like this.
14:34I, um, I wonder if I might be excused, your highness, your highness.
14:37Very certainly.
14:40I'm sorry about that, sir, but one has to keep up the pretense.
14:43I don't quite understand.
14:44You carry on the good work.
14:45Very well, sir.
14:48Hey, hon!
14:50This is bloody coffee.
14:51I ordered tea.
14:52You bloody fool, aren't you?
14:55I heard everywhere that the prince was the imbecile, whereas his servant, Blackadder, was respected about the town.
15:01Now that I discover the truth, I'm disposed to beat you to death.
15:04Tea!
15:05Tea!
15:11Tell me, do you ever stop bullying and shouting at the lower orders?
15:15Never!
15:16There's only one way to win a campaign.
15:17Shout, shout, and shout again!
15:20You don't think, then, that inspired leadership and tactical ability have anything to do with it?
15:25No!
15:26It's all down to shouting!
15:30I hear that conditions in your army are appalling.
15:33Well, I'm sorry, but those are my conditions, and you'll just have to accept them.
15:36That is, until this evening, when I shall kill you.
15:39Hmm.
15:40Who knows?
15:40Maybe I shall kill you.
15:42The nonsense!
15:43I've never been so much as scratched.
15:45My skin is as smooth as a baby's bottom.
15:48Which is more than you can say for my bottom.
15:51Well, sir, I should perhaps warn you that while dueling, I tend to put on my lucky wig and regimental
15:58accent.
15:59That won't help you.
16:00It would take a homicidal maniac in a claymore and a kilt to get the better of me.
16:06Well, that's handy.
16:08I tell you, Paul, I love leaving this kitchen until that man is out of the house.
16:13It's all right, Your Majesty, don't worry, I'll deal with this.
16:17Hello, Baldrick, I've brought your buns.
16:20Where's Mr Blackadder?
16:21Oh, not upstairs, still running about after that port-swilling, tadpole-brained smelly-boots.
16:28I don't know who you mean.
16:31Prince George, Baldrick.
16:33His boots smell so bad a man would need to have his nose amputated before taking them off.
16:38Well, that's what Mr Blackadder says.
16:40That's a joke.
16:41Didn't you write a little poem about him last week?
16:44No, I didn't.
16:45Oh, you're dead.
16:46In the winter it's cool, in the summer it's hot, but all the year round, Prince George is a clot.
16:53A lovely.
16:54I said Prince George is a lovely.
16:56Oh, well, that'll be off, anyway.
16:59Tell Mr Blackadder to expect Mr Macadder at five o'clock,
17:02as soon as that fat Prussian truffle pig has got his snout wedged into a bucket of tea cakes.
17:09I think it must be next door, your wanting strange woman who I've never seen before, Mrs McGinnis.
17:17Baldrick.
17:17Yes, Your Highness?
17:19Is it true?
17:20Did you really write a poem about how lovely I am?
17:26Yes.
17:27And Mr Blackadder loves you too.
17:29Well, I must say, I find that very touching.
17:31I do.
17:33I wish they wouldn't keep on doing that.
17:35Well, goodbye, sir.
17:37And may the best man win.
17:38I.e.
17:39Me.
17:40Your tea, sir.
17:42You're late!
17:43What the hell have you been for in India?
17:46Or Salon?
17:48Or China!
17:51And don't bother to show me the way out.
17:53I don't want to die of old age before I get to the front door.
17:57Ah, my goodness.
17:59So, where's Macadder?
18:00I thought he was going to be here at five o'clock.
18:02Yes, I'm sorry.
18:03He's just popped out.
18:05You look, I have a sound similar to each other, you know.
18:07It's quite eerie.
18:08Look, did you tell him to be here or not?
18:10I did, I did.
18:11You just seem to keep missing each other.
18:13I can't imagine why.
18:14I'll tell you why.
18:16It's because there's no coffee shop in England big enough for two black adders.
18:21Ah, good day, cousin Macadder.
18:23I trust you are well?
18:24Aye, well enough.
18:26And Morag?
18:27She bides fine.
18:28And how stands that mighty army, the clan Macadder?
18:32They're both well.
18:34I always thought that Jamie and Angus were such fine boys.
18:38Angus is a girl.
18:41So, tell me, cousin, I hear you have a cunning plan.
18:45I do, I do.
18:46I want you to take the place of the Prince Regent and kill the Duke of Wellington in a duel.
18:52Aye, and what's in it for me?
18:54Enough cash to buy the Outer Hebrides.
18:56What do you think?
18:57Fourteen shillings and sixpence.
18:59Well, it's tempting.
19:01But I've got an even better plan.
19:03Why don't I pretend to be the Duke of Wellington and kill the Prince of Wales in a duel?
19:07Oh, then I could kill the king and be crowned with the ancient stone bonnet of Macadder.
19:13And I shall wear the granite gown and limestone bodice of MacMiggins, queen of all the herds.
19:19Look, for God's sake, Macadder, you're not Rob Roy.
19:22You're a top kipper salesman with a reputable firm of Aberdeen fishmongers.
19:26Don't throw it all away.
19:27If you kill the Prince, they'll just send the bailiffs round and arrest you.
19:31Oh, blast.
19:32I forgot the bailiffs.
19:33So we can return to our original plan, then?
19:35No, I'm not interested.
19:37I'd rather go to bed with the Loch Lomond monster.
19:39And besides, I have to be back in the office on Friday.
19:42I promised Mr McNulty I'd shift a particularly difficult bloater for him.
19:47I did the whole thing.
19:48I'm off home with Migsy.
19:50Yes, yes.
19:51Show me the glen where the kipper roams free.
19:54And forget Morag forever.
19:56No, never.
19:57We must do right by Morag.
19:59We must return to Scotland and you must fight her in the old Highland way.
20:03Bare-breasted and each carrying an eight-pound baby.
20:05Oh, yes.
20:07Babies.
20:08Oh, yes, a woman of spirit.
20:10I look forward to burying you in the old Highland manor.
20:13Farewell, Blackadder, you spineless goon.
20:19Fortune vomits on my Eiderdown once.
20:24Ah, Blackadder.
20:26It has been a wild afternoon full of strange omens.
20:30I dreamt that a large eagle circled the room three times
20:32and then got into bed with me and took all the blankets.
20:35And then I saw that it wasn't an eagle at all, but a large black snake.
20:39Also, Duncan's horses did turn and eat each other, as usual.
20:44Good portents for your duel, do you think?
20:45Not very good, sir.
20:46I'm afraid the duel is off.
20:48Off?
20:49As in sod.
20:50I'm not doing it.
20:51But, Thunder, here's a pity game.
20:53You will stay, sir, and do duty by your prince, or I shall...
20:56Oh, what?
20:57You port-brained twerp.
21:00I've looked after you all my life.
21:02Even when we were babies,
21:03I had to show you which bit of your mother was serving the drinks.
21:07Oh, please, please, you've got to help me.
21:09I don't want to die.
21:10I've got so much to give.
21:12I want more time.
21:12A poignant, please, sir, enough to melt the stoniest of hearts.
21:15But the answer, I'm afraid, must remain, you're going to die, fat pig.
21:20Oh, wait, wait, wait.
21:22I'll give you everything.
21:25Everything?
21:26Everything.
21:27The money, the castles, the jewellery?
21:28Yes.
21:29The highly artistic, but also highly illegal set of French lithographs?
21:33Everything.
21:34The amusing clock where the little man comes out and drops his trousers every half hour?
21:38Yes, yes, all right.
21:40Very well, I accept.
21:41A man may fight for many things.
21:43His country, his principles, his friends.
21:45The glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child.
21:48But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock, and a sack of
21:53French porn.
21:55Yeah, all right.
21:56Hurrah!
21:59Right, Baldrick, now here's the plan.
22:01When he offers me the swords, I kick him in the nuts and you set fire to the building.
22:06In the confusion, we claim a draw.
22:08All right?
22:08Yeah, your highness, let's be about our business.
22:11Now, don't forget, Baldrick, you, when I...
22:16No, sir, choose your stooker.
22:20What, are we going to tickle each other to death?
22:23No, sir, we fight with cannon.
22:26Well, I thought we were fighting with swords.
22:28Swords?
22:28What do you think this is, the Middle Ages?
22:30Only girls fight with swords these days.
22:34Stand by again, sir.
22:35Pat to see, pat to see.
22:37Look, wait a minute.
22:38Stand by, cannon, for loading procedure.
22:41Spoke, muzzle, branch, crank, the storage barrel.
22:44Congratulations on choosing the Armstrong Whitworth four-pounder cannonet.
22:51Please read instructions carefully and it should give you years of trouble-free maiming.
22:57Check elevation, chart trajectory, prime fuse, aim.
23:03Look, wait a minute.
23:04Fire!
23:06Mr. B, sir, please, help me get his coat off.
23:10Believe it, Baldrick, it doesn't matter.
23:12Yes, it does.
23:13Blood's hell to shift.
23:14I want to get it in soon.
23:16You die like a man, sir, in combat.
23:19You think so?
23:20Dammit, we must build a better world.
23:22When will the killing end?
23:23You don't think I, too, dream of peace?
23:26You don't think I, too, yearn to end this damn dirty job we call soldiering?
23:31Frankly, no.
23:32My final wish upon this earth is that Baldrick be sold, to provide funds for a Blackadder foundation
23:37to promote peace, and to do research into the possibility of an automatic machine for
23:42cleaning shoes.
23:44So, I charge...
23:47His Highness is dead.
23:49Actually, I'm not sure I am.
23:51Fortunately, that cigarillo box you gave me was placed exactly at the point the cannonball
23:56struck.
23:57I always said smoking was good for you.
24:01Honor is satisfied.
24:03God clearly preserves you for greatness.
24:05His Highness is saved.
24:07Hurrah!
24:08Um, no, actually.
24:10It's me.
24:10I'm His Highness.
24:11Well done, Bladders.
24:12Glad you made it.
24:13What in the name of Bonaparte's balls is this fellow doing now?
24:17No, no, I really am the prince.
24:19It was all just larks.
24:20Well, I'm going to find larks at that, I thought.
24:21I have never, in all my campaigns, encountered such insolence.
24:26Your master survives an honourable duel, and you cheek him like a French whoopsie.
24:31I can contain myself no longer.
24:35I die.
24:37I hope men will say of me that I did duty by my country.
24:41I think that's pretty unlikely, sir.
24:44If I was you, I'd try for something a bit more realistic.
24:46Like what?
24:47You hope that men will think of you as a bit of a thickie?
24:50All right, then.
24:51I'll hope that.
24:51Um, toodaloo, everyone.
24:52Don't you know, it all right.
24:54Your Majesty, the King of England.
24:57Somebody told me my son was here.
25:00I wish him to marry this rosebush, and I want to make the wedding arrangements.
25:09Here I am, Daddy.
25:11And this is the Iron Duke, Wellington, commander of all your armed forces.
25:15Yes, I recognise the enormous conch.
25:18He's a hero, a man of wit and discretion.
25:20Bravo.
25:21Oh, you know, my son, for the first time in my life, I'm real fatherly feeling about you.
25:28People may say I'm stark raving mad and say the word penguin after each sentence.
25:34I believe we, too, can make Britain great.
25:37You as the Prince Regent, and I as King Penguin.
25:42Well, let's hope, eh?
25:44Wellington, will you come and dine with us at the palace?
25:46My family have a lot to thank you for.
25:49Yeah, it would be a great pleasure.
25:50Your father may be as mad as a balloon, but I think you have the makings of a fine king.
25:57Oh, and Baldrick, clear away that dead butler, will you?
26:04A new star in heaven tonight.
26:07A new freckle on the nose of the giant pixie.
26:11Um, no, actually, Baldrick, I'm not dead.
26:13You see, I had a cigarillo box, too.
26:15Look.
26:17Oh, damn, I must have left it on the dresser.