- 17 hours ago
TV, Movie, 3rd Rock From The Sun S02E03
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00:07aliens are not like that the senseless violence the mindless gore incredible sound system there
00:15must have been 30 speakers in that place that movie kicked butt how can you say that they
00:20portrayed aliens as vicious monsters the Department of Transportation hey hey do
00:25you mind we haven't seen the movie yet like here I don't even know you think it was cool when
00:30that
00:31things tongue split open and strangled those eight army guys okay and only because it made
00:38me scream like a little girl they have to make the aliens scary that's entertainment sucking
00:44the brains out of all those zoo animals is not entertainment shut up all these people think
00:53of us I didn't care whether the aliens were good or bad they just wanted them dead what am I
00:58gonna
00:58do marry she's already seen this movie so she doesn't know you're an alien does she oh please
01:05does she I said oh please isn't that enough does she no attention ticket holders listen up at the end
01:16of the movie when the president turns out to be an alien and he barbecues all the congressmen don't
01:25believe it okay because aliens hate barbecue hey you don't shut up I'm gonna kill you all righty and
01:30that goes for all of you did you hear that guy he hasn't even seen the movie yet and he
01:34already wants
01:35to kill us we are in big trouble here we've got to lay low until this mania passes over maybe
01:39build a
01:40bunker yeah no we can't hide I say we come out of the bunker and into the street I say
01:45we hold an
01:46alien pride parade we'll all get together and we'll prove that we're all humans
02:32I'd like to speak to your film critic please oh well then will you tell him that I just saw
02:37dawn of the
02:38aliens and it was not wham-bam it was not a slam dunk I was never on the edge of
02:42my seat and the
02:43special effects did not make my eyes pop out there's no cream in here well you don't have to
02:49bite my head off you know we don't do that oh Mary you notice how I'm being gentle and not
03:01squeezing
03:01your body until your spleen shoots out of your mouth yes I noticed that thank you oh speaking of
03:09spleens did you see dawn of the aliens oh wasn't that movie great it was two hours and four minutes
03:15of horrible horrible lies I liked it me too I was on the edge of my seat they portray aliens
03:23as as as
03:23hideous evil mutants I thought they'd be sweet and and well-mannered well I don't pay seven bucks to
03:29see an alien play with a puppy at that price he better eat it
03:39Tommy Tommy they're having a sci-fi convention in Cleveland meet all the aliens from your favorite TV shows and
03:46movies and
03:47Star Trek's mr. Sulu George Takei will be signing copies of his new book warp speed dammit the complete rants
03:53of
03:54the alien shadow this would be a perfect place to help people understand how wrong their impressions of
04:01us aliens are or we could just blow the whole damn place out would you guys lift your feet please
04:08lift your feet
04:10left feet
04:12it's your problem
04:15Sally turn off your sucking device
04:20what is it I need your support
04:23I've made the most difficult decision I've had to make since coming to this planet
04:27you're giving up tidy whiteys and switching to boxers no
04:33it's not about underwear Harry although I have switched
04:40I've decided to tell Mary that I am what humans would call in their galactocentric way
04:47an alien
04:48no
04:48are you crazy Dick why are you doing this you've never blown your cover on any other mission
04:53I've never felt the need to I keep having these feelings
04:56oh yeah
04:57it's this fleshy human slip cover
05:02I'm not sure it's dashing tall manly
05:07washable
05:10somehow it just makes me feel so awful about deceiving the woman I love
05:13alright okay look let's just think this thing through okay
05:17here I'll be her here I am I'm Mary sitting at my desk
05:21now um you come in and tell me
05:29hello Mary
05:31Dick
05:33you look handsome today
05:35and you look more beautiful than ever
05:42alright alright alright alright
05:44let's just start over
05:53hello Mary
05:54Dick
05:57I can't kiss you today because I've got the flu
06:01as do I
06:02Mary
06:04I am an alien
06:10she's dead
06:14you killed her you alien bastard
06:18why
06:20why
06:20why
06:21this is nonsense
06:22I'm gonna tell her
06:23you're gonna get us all killed
06:24I'm only telling one person
06:26sir as security officer I forbid it
06:27and as high commander I have to say tough toenails lieutenant
06:31I can't
06:31let it be on your head
06:32which is gonna be sitting next to ours on a tray somewhere in New Mexico
06:36I'm telling you dick humans cannot handle this kind of information
06:39Mary
06:40can
06:42I just have to find the right setting the right atmosphere
06:45where the elegant beauty of our magnificent surroundings help her to embrace the truth
06:49and me
06:50they're having a sci-fi convention in Cleveland
06:54perfect
06:55pack your bags kids we're going on a road trip
06:58sweet
07:10look at this place
07:13our first hotel room
07:15wow
07:16why do I suddenly have the urge to trash it
07:19hey you guys
07:21look at this tiny bottle I found in the bathroom
07:24evidence of a superior race of tiny people
07:30how can you tell they're superior
07:32because it's a shampoo and conditioner in one
07:35a tiny fridge
07:40filled with tiny bottles of alcohol and tiny bags of macadamia nuts
07:44wow
07:44these people might be tiny but they know how to party
07:47how do they get up on the bed
07:50especially when they're all drunk and fat on nuts
08:00just tell me when
08:02when
08:02when
08:03when I've poured enough to slake your thirst for champagne
08:06when
08:07whenever your heart desires
08:10when
08:10stop now
08:11now
08:11now
08:11yeah
08:11yes now
08:12now
08:15what half a bottle for one glass
08:18you are a wild woman
08:20but then I accept that
08:22I may be wild
08:23but I'm not going to bite
08:25and neither will I
08:26and that's the whole point
08:28there will be no biting
08:29no bloodletting
08:30no cranial explosions
08:32what's with you
08:34all right Mary you've sniffed me out
08:37I brought you here
08:39I brought you here under the guise of a romantic holiday
08:40to tell you something about myself
08:43this is very difficult
08:45I
08:45I don't want you to judge me
08:47I never judge you
08:51sometimes I do
08:52often
08:54always
08:55I'll try not to this time
08:57Mary
08:58before I met you
08:59I was completely different
09:00I was far
09:01far away from here
09:02and ever since I left that place
09:05I've been fighting so hard to fit in
09:07and if ever anyone found out
09:09I'd have to go back
09:10because I could never live
09:12in this world any longer
09:13oh tick
09:15were you in a
09:16clinic?
09:21clinic?
09:22it's okay
09:23so was I
09:45wake up everybody
09:46we're going to the
09:48sci-fi convention
09:49oh my goodness
09:57what's so important about this sci-fi convention
10:00oh well don't you see
10:01I mean it's a perfect opportunity to take a stand
10:04to protest how the rest of the world is treating our kind
10:07do you want to be some kind of alien Martin Luther King?
10:09exactly
10:11because I too
10:12have a dream
10:15and in that dream I'm naked on a ferris wheel
10:21I'll meet you guys down in the lobby
10:22I'm gonna go make sure Dick hasn't blown our cover
10:25oh Sally there's a note for you on the door
10:28please make up room
10:35alright I'll do it when we get back
10:38we're going to the sci-fi convention
10:46I've never told anyone this before but
10:48when I was a little girl
10:499, 10, 17
10:53I was fat
10:55how fat?
10:57fat enough that everybody made fun of me
10:59fat as a cow?
11:01is that how fat?
11:02that's not him
11:04anyway instead of reaching out for help
11:06I turned inward and became bitter and disillusioned with the world around me
11:11300 pounds? 400?
11:12Dick!
11:16my parents just made it worse
11:18they had this notion that I was going to be an Olympic figure skater
11:22they forced me into a leotard
11:25I looked like a sausage in purple velour casing
11:29and when I skated
11:31they called me the Zamboni
11:34then one day I
11:36I cracked
11:37the ice?
11:38mentally!
11:40I cracked mentally
11:41mentally
11:43my parents sent me to a special place
11:47can't knock a lot of weight off
11:50Mary it's just terrible
11:51I'm so sorry
11:52oh no
11:53no it's fine really
11:54thanks for letting me confide in you
11:57now
11:59why were you in the clinic?
12:01oh
12:02well
12:03funny story
12:03I was uh
12:05how can I put this
12:07not?
12:08what?
12:08here goes
12:09I am
12:10just
12:11hold that thought
12:14Sally!
12:14hi
12:14I need to talk to Dick for a second in private
12:16don't you have some little girly thing you need to do in the bathroom?
12:19no
12:19then just go sit in there
12:21excuse me?
12:22you're excused
12:22what?
12:26shh
12:27this had better be good
12:28I was this close to pouring my heart out
12:30then I arrived just in time
12:31she just told me one of her deepest secrets
12:33she used to be fat
12:34fat as a cow?
12:35is that how?
12:35that's not the point
12:37the point is
12:37she can't keep a secret
12:38I mean you tell her
12:39and the next thing you know the Air Force is sealed off the neighborhood
12:41that's a risk I'm willing to take
12:43okay
12:44how about this one
12:45you tell her you're an alien and she freaks out
12:47runs away
12:49and you never see her again
12:51ever
12:52oh
12:54well in my scenario she comes running into my arms
12:57well
12:58it's just a risk you're gonna have to take
13:02alien
13:21it is fascinating though isn't it?
13:24what?
13:24how these people fulfill their lives through fantasy
13:27it's like those guys that spend all of their time reading those fake letters in penthouse
13:32they're fake?
13:36can you imagine what these people would do if they met an actual alien?
13:40they would completely freak out
13:42oh I don't know in a way aren't we all aliens?
13:46I mean we emerge from weightless environments
13:49seeing everything for the first time with curious new eyes
13:52every emotion brand new
13:54always discovering
13:55always learning
13:56yeah
13:58you keep overthinking life
13:59I'm gonna go get us a couple of space churros
14:03see?
14:04somebody broke into the room
14:05look at this place
14:10looks clean to me
14:11exactly
14:12they cleaned everything
14:13made the beds
14:14rewrapped the soap
14:15sanitized the toilet for my protection
14:17look!
14:18look!
14:18look!
14:20the maid was here
14:22the maid?
14:24there's a maid?
14:25housekeeping
14:26housekeeping
14:26here
14:27it's a whole book of services the hotel has to offer
14:32dry cleaning
14:33wake up calls
14:34in room dining?
14:35yes ma'am
14:36room service
14:39room service
14:43room
14:46service
14:47do you know what this means?
14:51no ma'am
14:52we're in heaven
14:54you my good man
14:56are the assistant manager of heaven
14:59thank you ma'am
15:01bye bye
15:09hi
15:10yes um
15:10this is Sally Solomon in room 605
15:13can I get a turkey sandwich?
15:16I can
15:19can I get 10?
15:25live long and prosper
15:30paving frequencies open everybody
15:32I'm George Takei
15:38seeing all of you here makes me feel like a kid again
15:41almost as if
15:42as Mr. Sulu once said
15:44my chronometer's running backwards
15:47ha
15:49you people are living a lie
15:52look at yourselves
15:53embracing negative alien stereotypes
15:56did you ever stop to think that maybe aliens are friendly, kind, attractive people?
16:02security
16:03hath not an alien eyes
16:05or buttocks
16:07if you prick an alien does it not say ow ow ow?
16:11we should not embrace science fiction
16:15screw sci-fi
16:17instead
16:18we should embrace
16:20science fact
16:24scythe
16:24ha
16:25um
16:25Harry
16:26let's go
16:26long live scythe
16:28ha
16:31you there
16:31forget the windows and scrub that sink until I see my face in it
16:34thanks
16:35oh coming
16:39good afternoon ma'am
16:40good afternoon
16:40I'm here to pick up your dry clean
16:41yes
16:42that pile over there on the luggage
16:43hell do the luggage too
16:44I just feel terrible
16:46oh
16:47well you're doing the right thing by not telling her honey
16:50darling
16:51when you're done with the bathroom
16:52dust the credenza and fertilize the potted plants
16:54I want them blooming and making me happy
16:57I came here with the sole purpose of coming clean and now I just feel so dirty
17:01just take a bubble bath
17:03you know the tubs got beautifully positioned jets and the shower turns into a sauna
17:07dirty was a metaphor lieutenant
17:09I'm sure it was honey
17:09hi
17:10yes
17:11could we get some eucalyptus oil up here and a couple of big fat loofas?
17:15thanks
17:17Sally?
17:18hello boys
17:20what's all this stuff?
17:22room service
17:26room service
17:29if I want a towel they send it up if I want a radish they send it up
17:32they send up a laptop, a fax, a VCR
17:34and why?
17:35because until checkout time tomorrow I'm the queen
17:40I'm glad you're having a good time
17:41I am
17:42I'll be down in my room
17:44oh are these chocolate truffles
17:45hey
17:46get your own french sampler
17:53how can you look at yourself
17:55deceiving the person you love for the sake of omission
17:58look at you
18:00you're gorgeous
18:04did you say something?
18:05oh no
18:06nothing
18:07tell her, tell her
18:08but how?
18:13stand back earth man
18:16and prepare to be demolecularized in ways you've never imagined
18:22Mary?
18:22I'm not Mary
18:23I'm not Mary
18:25I am Uma
18:25from the planet Thurman
18:28remove your earth pants
18:32any resistance will be futile human
18:35human?
18:37but I'm not human
18:40I've been deceiving you
18:42I'm an alien from a planet in the barred spiral galaxy on the Cepheus Draco border
18:48I was sent here by our leader
18:50the big giant head
18:52to explore this planet
18:55Dick Solomon is just a facade
18:57hiding a quivering purple tube
19:00I am the high commander
19:02and this
19:03is my salute
19:13oh
19:14oh
19:14oh really?
19:15I have seen your planet
19:17it is a savage place and must be conquered
19:22oh Mary
19:23come on
19:24oh
19:26oh
19:26oh
19:26oh
19:33this is Harry Solomon
19:34I'd like to get another massage
19:36because I'm starting to feel a little tense again
19:40oh hey
19:40that's what I found
19:42oh
19:42what is it?
19:43hmm
19:43well looks like a list of everything we got while we were here
19:46lobster
19:47lobster
19:48lobster
19:48lobster
19:49hey hey what's that number right there at the bottom?
19:52oh it's probably the population of Cleveland or something
19:55uh
19:56that's your bill
20:00oh my god
20:03what are we gonna do?
20:05Harry
20:05get me the laptop
20:07the modem
20:07the magnetic strip key that got us into this room
20:10and a shower cap
20:14good morning Mr. Takei
20:15good morning
20:16I'm checking out
20:17oh
20:17of course
20:19here's your bill sir
20:22three thousand dollars
20:25three thousand dollars
20:25three thousand dollars
20:26well that's alright
20:26I can afford it
20:28I'm a famous actor
20:30I'm sorry
20:31that's thirty thousand dollars Mr. Takei
20:36oh my
20:45fourteen bottles of champagne
20:47shrimp cocktails
20:48hummus on pita tips
20:50look
20:51I had a Toblerone and two ginger ales
20:53that's it
20:55seven massages
20:56how could I get seven massages?
20:58do I look relaxed?
20:59do I?
21:01what's this?
21:02what's this?
21:04alright so I took one towel
21:07one towel
21:08I'm George Takei
21:10damn it
21:11I'm George Takei
21:12okay
21:12you
21:12you
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