- 4 days ago
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00:04Father, I must speak. I can be silent no longer.
00:08All day long you mutter to yourself, gibber, dribble, moan, and bash your head against the wall, yelling, I want
00:15to die.
00:16Now you may say I'm leaping to conclusions, but you're not completely happy, are you?
00:24It's mother, isn't it?
00:26No, it's not.
00:27You're brooding over her death, aren't you?
00:29Kate, for the final time, your mother is not dead. She's run off with your Uncle Henry.
00:34Dear Father, you know I'm going to say such things to comfort me.
00:38Your mother is alive and well and living in Droitwich. It's not her I brood over.
00:43I'm sad because, my darling, our poverty has now reached such extremes that I can no longer afford to keep
00:49us.
00:50I must look to my own dear tiny darling to sustain me in my frail dotage.
00:55But, Father, surely...
00:57Yes, Kate.
00:59I want you to become a prostitute.
01:02Oh, Father!
01:04Do you defy me?
01:05Why, indeed I do.
01:06What is better to die poor than to live in shame and ignominy?
01:10No, it isn't.
01:11I'm young and strong and clever.
01:14My nose is pretty.
01:15I shall find another way to earn us a living.
01:17Oh, please go on the game.
01:21It's a steady job.
01:23And you'd be working from home.
01:26Goodbye, Father.
01:28I shall go to London.
01:30Disguise myself as a boy.
01:31I can seek my fortune.
01:34Well, why walk all the way to London when you can make a fortune lying on your back?
01:40Oh, very good show, my lord.
01:42Thank you, Boris.
01:45Sorry I'm late.
01:47Oh, don't bother apologising.
01:48I'm sorry you're alive.
01:51Oh, God, I see the target's ready.
01:55I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me.
01:59Well, you're in Spain.
02:00There are millions of them.
02:01I advise them to stay there, then.
02:03Keep their hands off our women.
02:05Oh, God.
02:06Who is she this time?
02:07I don't know what you mean.
02:11Oh!
02:13Ah, and who is Jane?
02:15I am sworn to secrecy.
02:17Torture me, kill me, you shall never know.
02:20Oh, Jane Harrington!
02:23We are very much in love, my lord.
02:24This is THE Jane Harrington.
02:26Yes.
02:27Jane, bury me in a Y-shaped coffin, Harrington.
02:33I think maybe there are two Jane Harringtons.
02:36No?
02:37Tall, blonde, elegant?
02:39Aye, that's right.
02:39Goes like a privy door when the plague's in town.
02:41My lord!
02:42Come on, get on with your shot.
02:45You'll get over her.
02:48I did.
02:58So did Boring, actually.
03:02You see, you've got this thing about beards, apparently.
03:05Well, in that case, I'm going to shave.
03:14Bad luck, Baldur's.
03:16Not to worry, my lord.
03:17The arrow didn't, in fact, enter my body.
03:20Oh, good.
03:20No, by a thousand to one chance, my willy got in the way.
03:27Extraordinary.
03:28Yeah, I'd only just put it there.
03:29But now, I will leave it there forever.
03:32Quite so, Baldur, it can be your lucky willy.
03:36Yes, my lord.
03:36Years from now, I'll show it to my grandchildren.
03:39Hey, Baldur, I think the grandchildren may now be out of the question.
03:42What?
03:43Poor old pea-brainer.
03:45Ha!
03:45Never catch me falling in love.
03:46That's for damn sure as must.
03:48Come in.
03:51Good day to you, Lord Blackadder.
03:53Ah.
03:54Good day to you.
03:58Boy.
04:00What is it brings you here?
04:02I'm an honest, hard-working lad, but poor.
04:04And I must support my father, who is stark-raving mad.
04:07Therefore, I come to London to seek a servant's wage.
04:10Well, yes, indeed.
04:11Unfortunately, I already have a servant.
04:13The word is that your servant is the worst servant in London.
04:18That's true.
04:20Baldur, you're fired.
04:21Be out of the house.
04:22Well, young man, you've got yourself a job.
04:25What do they call you?
04:25Kate.
04:27Isn't that a bit of a girl's name?
04:29Oh, it's short for, um, Bob.
04:35Bob.
04:36Yes.
04:37Well.
04:38Bob.
04:39Welcome on board.
04:42Sorry, Baldur, any reason you're still here?
04:44What if, uh, I've got nowhere to go, my lord?
04:47Oh, surely you'll be allowed to starve to death in one of the royal parks.
04:51I've been in your service since I was two and a half, my lord.
04:54Well, that must be why I'm so utterly sick of the sight of you.
04:57Can I just stay here and do the same job, but for no wages?
05:01Well, you know where you'd have to live.
05:02In the gutter.
05:03Yes.
05:04And you'd have to work a bit harder, too.
05:06Of course, my lord.
05:07All right.
05:07Go and get Bob's stuff in and chuck your filthy muck out into the street.
05:10God bless you, sweet master.
05:12Bob.
05:15Bob, this is Percy.
05:16A dimwit I don't seem to be able to shake off.
05:19Ah, hello there, Bob.
05:20You young roister-douster, you.
05:23You look a likely sort of lad for tricks and sports and all sorts of jolly, rosy-cheek caperings, eh?
05:29Of course you do.
05:30And more besides, I'll warrant you, young scamp.
05:34Thank you so much for letting me stay, Lord Blackmother.
05:36No, not at all, Bob.
05:37I'm looking forward to having you.
05:39Uh, having another man about the house instead of that animal, Baldrick.
05:44Excuse me, I'm just going to the lavatory.
05:47How little he knows.
05:48And how much I would have him know.
05:52I say, Bob, I think this calls for a celebration.
05:55How about a game of cup and ball and a slap of tea at Mrs. Megan's pie shop?
05:59Get lost, creep.
06:02I like you, young Bob.
06:04You've got balls.
06:13Nice try, Melchie, but it's no use.
06:16I'm still bald.
06:18I'm very sorry, madam.
06:19Your royal father used to be very amused by my impersonation of Columbus.
06:23It doesn't surprise me.
06:25He used to laugh.
06:27Those people with the funny faces and the bells.
06:29No, jesters, ma'am.
06:31No, it's lepers.
06:35Where's Edmund these days?
06:37Ah, well, the whisperer on the underground grapevine, ma'am,
06:41is that Bob Blackadder is spending all his time with a young boy in his service.
06:45Oh.
06:46Do you think he'd spend more time with me if I was a boy?
06:49Oh, surely not, madam.
06:50You almost were a boy, my little cherry-pip.
06:53What?
06:53Yeah.
06:54Out you popped out of your mummy's tumkin
06:56and everyone shouted,
06:57It's a boy, it's a boy.
06:58And then someone said,
06:59But it hasn't got a winkle.
07:01And then I said,
07:02A boy without a winkle?
07:04God be praised, it's a miracle.
07:06A boy without a winkle.
07:09And then Sir Thomas More pointed out
07:11that a boy without a winkle is a girl.
07:14And everyone was really disappointed.
07:16Oh, yes.
07:17When you see,
07:17he was a very perceptive man, Sir Thomas More.
07:19Oh, what has happened to Edmund?
07:22There's something very odd about someone
07:24who spends all their time with a servant.
07:27Oh, yes.
07:28Oh, yes.
07:38And then Sir Thomas More.
07:47Oh, yes.
08:14Well, Bob, we're a couple of fine lads together, aren't we?
08:17Let's get rutted and talk about girls, eh?
08:20Yes, we can sing some really dirty songs.
08:24Oh, God, I find you curiously pleasant company, young Bob.
08:28I'm honoured and for my part, want nothing more than to be with you, old man.
08:33Well, absolutely, I mean, there's nothing more healthy and normal than having a good chum.
08:41Well, thank you, my lord, of love.
08:44You mean rumpy-pumpy?
08:46What would you say, my lord, if I were to say, I love you?
08:52Well, of course, it depends entirely on who you said it to.
08:56If you said it to a horse, I'd presume you were sick.
08:59If you said it to Baldrick, I'd presume you were blind.
09:03And if you said it to me...
09:04Yes, my lord.
09:05Well, I'd naturally assume we were having a big lads joke about back ticklers the way we healthy fathers often
09:12do.
09:12And I'd probably grab you for a friendly wrestle and then we'd probably slap each other's thighs like jolly good
09:18chums
09:18and laugh at what it would be like if we really did fancy each other.
09:24In that case, my lord, I love you.
09:42Don't worry, Bob, you used to try and kill me, too.
09:45Go up, Baldrick.
09:46I'd like to see you.
09:47What do you want?
09:48Well, I was wondering if I might sleep on the roof, sir.
09:51Only the town bailiff says if I lie in the gutter, I'll be flushed into the Thames with all the
09:54other turds.
09:56Yes, certainly, Baldrick.
09:57Help yourself.
09:58I was just off to bed.
10:01Anyway.
10:02Um, good night, Baldrick.
10:04Good night, Bob.
10:07Good night, my lord.
10:09Yes.
10:11Oh, God.
10:16Now, then, what seems to be the trouble?
10:18Well, it's my manservant.
10:20I see.
10:21Well, don't be embarrassed.
10:23If you've got the pox, just pop your manservant on the table and we'll take a look at you.
10:28No, no, no.
10:30No, I mean, it's my real manservant.
10:33Uh-huh.
10:33And what's wrong with him?
10:35There's nothing wrong with him.
10:36That's the problem.
10:37He's perfect.
10:38And last night, I almost kissed him.
10:41I see.
10:42So you've started fancying boys, then, have you?
10:45Not boys.
10:46A boy.
10:47Yes.
10:47Well, let's not split hairs.
10:49It's all rather disgusting and naturally all worried.
10:51Of course I'm worried.
10:52Well, of course you are.
10:53It isn't every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live
10:57on God's clean earth than a weasel.
11:00Ashamed of yourself?
11:01Not really, no.
11:02Bloody hell, I would be.
11:04And still, why should I complain?
11:06It just leaves more rampant totty for us real men, eh?
11:09Look, am I paying for this personal abuse or is it extra?
11:12No, all part of the service.
11:14I think you're in luck, though.
11:15An extraordinary new cure has just been developed for exactly this kind of sordid problem.
11:21It wouldn't have anything to do with leeches, would it?
11:23I had no idea you were a medical man.
11:25I've never had anything you doctors didn't try to cure with leeches.
11:28A leech on my ear for earache, a leech on my bottom for constipation.
11:32They're marvellous, aren't they?
11:33Well, the bottom one wasn't.
11:34I just sat down and squashed it.
11:36You know, the leech comes to us on the highest authority.
11:38Yes, I'd heard that.
11:39Dr. Hoffman of Stuttgart, isn't it?
11:41That's right, the great Hoffman.
11:43Owner of the largest leech farm in Europe.
11:45Yes.
11:46Well, I can't spend all day gossiping.
11:48I'm a busy man.
11:49As far as this case is concerned, I've now had time to think it over,
11:53and I can strongly recommend a course of leeches.
11:57Well, I'll just pop a couple down my codpiece before I go to bed.
12:02No, no, no, no, don't be ridiculous.
12:04This isn't the dark ages.
12:05Just pop four in your mouth in the morning and let them dissolve slowly.
12:09In a couple of weeks, you'll be beating your servant with a stick,
12:12just like the rest of us.
12:14You're just an old quack, aren't you?
12:16I'd rather be a quack than a ducky. Good day.
12:20The only thing to follow, my lord, is this lovely fat spider I found in the bar.
12:26I was saving it for myself, but if you found it...
12:28Oh, shut up, Mordrick.
12:29I don't eat invertebrates for fun, you know.
12:32This is doctor's orders.
12:33Oh, I don't hold with this newfangled doctrine.
12:36Any problems, I'll go to the wise woman.
12:38Yes, Mordrick, I'm long past entrusting myself to some deranged druid
12:42who gives her professional address as one Dunghill Mansion's Putney.
12:52Tell me, young crone, is this Putney?
12:55It be. That it be.
12:58Yes, it is, not that it be.
13:02You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me.
13:04I'm not a tourist.
13:07I seek information about a wise woman.
13:09The wise woman?
13:10The wise woman.
13:13Yes, the wise woman.
13:15Two things, my lord, must ye know of the wise woman.
13:19Yes.
13:19First, she is a woman.
13:25And second, she is...
13:28Wise?
13:30You do know her, then?
13:32No.
13:32Just a wild stab in the dark, which is, incidentally,
13:35what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful.
13:39Do you know where she lives?
13:42Of course.
13:43Where?
13:44Here.
13:45Do you have an appointment?
13:46No.
13:47Well, you can go in anyway.
13:50Thank you, young crone.
13:51Here is a purse of monies, which I'm not going to give to you.
13:54Hello?
13:55Excuse me!
13:55A new prudent.
14:02Hail, Edmund!
14:04Lord of Adder's Black!
14:05Hello?
14:07Skephilmira!
14:07For already I see thy bloody purpose
14:10Thou plotters, Blackadder
14:12Thou wouldst be king
14:14And drown Middlesex
14:16In a bath of wine
14:22No, no, no, no
14:24It's far worse than that
14:25I'm in love with my manservant
14:27Oh, well, I'd sleep with him if I were you
14:30What?
14:31When I fancy people, I sleep with them
14:34Oh, I have to drug them first, of course
14:37Being so old and warty
14:40But what about my position, my social life?
14:43Very well, then
14:44Three other paths are open to you
14:47Three cunning plans to cure thy ailment
14:51Oh, good
14:52The first is simple
14:54Kill Bob
14:55Never
14:55Then try the second
14:57Kill yourself
15:00And the third?
15:01The third is to ensure that no one else ever knows
15:05Ah, that sounds more like it
15:07How?
15:08Kill everybody in the whole world
15:18Now, look here, Bob
15:19I've got something very important to say to you
15:21And I want you to listen very carefully
15:22Yes
15:23Look, Bob
15:24I've decided that you are to leave my service
15:28Oh, no, my lord
15:29My father will starve and I'll have to become a male prostitute
15:34Besides, I thought we were friends
15:36Well, we are friends, Bob
15:37Of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course
15:43In fact, that's the reason I want you to leave my service
15:47and become my live-in chum.
15:51Oh, my Lord.
15:53Now, I want to make it absolutely clear
15:54that I'm in no way interested in the contents of your tights.
15:58You might be, my Lord, if you knew what I kept in them.
16:01Uh, I've learned of myself well
16:03that I know what a gentleman keeps in his tights.
16:05Thank you very much.
16:06But, my Lord, I have a great secret.
16:09What?
16:10Prepare to be amazed.
16:14Oh, no, you haven't got one of those birthmarks
16:16shaped like a banana, have you?
16:18No.
16:19Or a tattoo saying, get it here.
16:23No.
16:23Oh, God, you've got one of those belly buttons
16:26that sticks outwards, haven't you?
16:27No, my Lord.
16:28Well, what can it possibly be?
16:32Ah, good Lord.
16:39So, what was all that Bob stuff about, then?
16:41Because you would have just used me
16:42and cast me aside like you have so many women before.
16:45Ha, would I?
16:47Yes.
16:48But now you've had a chance
16:49to grow to love me for what I really am.
16:51Yes, that's true.
16:53And now,
16:53I want to marry you,
16:56Bob.
16:57Kate!
16:58Then come, kiss me, Kate.
17:03I bring grave intelligence
17:04of your former favourite, Lord Blackadder.
17:07Oh, God!
17:08It appears
17:08he wishes to marry a girl called Bob.
17:13That's a very odd name for a girl, isn't it?
17:16Girls are normally called Elizabeth.
17:18Or Mary.
17:19And Donald.
17:20Mouth is open, Nancy, you should be shut.
17:22That is true, sweet one.
17:23I had three sisters
17:25and they were called
17:25Donald, Eric and Basil.
17:27Then why is your name, Nancy?
17:28That is my real name.
17:29Isn't it?
17:30No.
17:31What is your real name, then?
17:32Ah, Bernard.
17:36Suits you, actually.
17:37Madam Smith.
17:38Oh, hello, stranger.
17:39I seek your permission to wed.
17:41So I hear.
17:42That's she.
17:43What do you think of all this?
17:45I must profess, madam,
17:46I am astonished that Blackadder
17:48could possibly have eyes
17:49for any other woman than yourself.
17:50Good point.
17:51Though slightly grovelly.
17:52Ah.
17:54But when I fell in love,
17:55Mum, I didn't know she was a woman.
17:56I thought she was a boy.
17:59Of course, that makes it perfectly acceptable.
18:03Oh, all right.
18:04Go on and marry her.
18:06Thank you, Mum.
18:07Just tell me one thing.
18:10Is her nose as pretty as mine?
18:13Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Mum.
18:16Oh, God.
18:17Because otherwise, I would have cut it off.
18:20And then you'd have had to marry someone
18:22without her nose
18:22and that wouldn't be very nice, would it?
18:25No, Mum.
18:26I mean, imagine her nest
18:28when she got a cold.
18:30Yuck!
18:34Well, quite, Mum.
18:35All right.
18:36Off you go, then.
18:41Everyone seems to get married except me.
18:44And me, Mum.
18:45Oh, shut up, Bernard.
18:48You make a lovely bridesmaid, Baldrick.
18:52And pity me that I have no actual girl chums
18:54because we were so poor in our house
18:56we couldn't afford friends.
18:58It is strange that in keeping with the manner
18:59of our courtship that your maid of honour
19:01should be a man.
19:02Thank you very much, my lord.
19:03Well, I use the word man
19:04in its broadest possible sentence.
19:06Perhaps we all know God made man in his own image.
19:09It'd be a sad look out for Christians
19:11throughout the globe
19:11if God looked anything like you, Baldrick.
19:14Ignore old Mr. Grumpy.
19:17There you are, boulders.
19:21You look sweet as a little pie.
19:24Kate, he looks like what he is,
19:26a dung ball in a dress.
19:28Oh, Edmund.
19:32Hello, there.
19:36Edmund, you didn't tell me
19:37we were expecting guests.
19:39And such a pretty one, too.
19:42Oh, God.
19:45Well, you're a little cutie
19:46to be hiding yourself away all these years.
19:49Tell me, gorgeous, what's your name?
19:51He's called Baldrick.
19:55Baldrick.
19:56That's a pretty name.
19:59Edmund used to have a servant called Baldrick.
20:03But anyway,
20:04away with such small talk.
20:06Lady,
20:08a kiss.
20:09What?
20:10And so modest, too.
20:12Come on, you little tease.
20:14You know you want to.
20:15Give us a kiss.
20:17All right.
20:17You say so.
20:19What?
20:20Oh, dear.
20:35What's an original perfume?
20:40That is our Baldrick.
20:41He's wearing a dress.
20:47Anyway, what do you want?
20:50Well,
20:52there has been
20:53some discussion around the court
20:55on the subject of
20:56who's going to be your best man.
20:57And I thought it might be the moment
20:59to bring the subject
21:00to a conclusion.
21:02Ah, yes, Percy.
21:03I would like you.
21:04Oh, I'm so proud.
21:05Please, let me finish.
21:06I would like you
21:07to take this letter to Dover.
21:09Where is we shall be
21:10docked the galleon
21:10of my old school friend
21:11and adventurer,
21:12Lord Flashheart.
21:13He shall be my best man.
21:16Lord Flashheart.
21:16Hmm.
21:18The best sword,
21:19the best shot,
21:20the best sailor,
21:21and the best kisser
21:23in the kingdom.
21:24Even he.
21:24To Dover at once.
21:26Yes.
21:29Actually,
21:30I was going to suggest
21:31Lord Flashheart
21:32for best man myself.
21:34Sorry.
21:45Edmund,
21:46I can't believe
21:47it's really happening.
21:48It is, my sweet.
21:49Before we go in,
21:50I want you to meet my father.
21:53Oh, fine.
21:59Excuse me.
22:00Could you move along, please?
22:05Look, I'm waiting
22:06for my father-in-law.
22:07Last thing I want
22:08is some scruffy old beggar
22:09blocking the corridor
22:10smelling of cabbage.
22:12I am your father-in-law.
22:15Oh, no.
22:17All right,
22:17how much do you want
22:18to clear off?
22:19Edmund,
22:19how could you hear
22:20my father,
22:21my only living relative?
22:22Ten pounds
22:23should do the trick.
22:25All right,
22:25there we go.
22:27Edmund,
22:27you mustn't.
22:28Oh, don't worry.
22:29I'll get Baldrick
22:29to beat him up
22:30after the ceremony.
22:30We'll get the money back.
22:32Come on, we'll get it.
22:36Oh, Edmund,
22:37could we get on,
22:38do you think?
22:38I want to get to the reception
22:39so I can get squiffy
22:40and seduce someone.
22:42Yes.
22:42Unfortunately, ma'am,
22:43my best man
22:44still has not arrived.
22:45We'll get another one.
22:46Well, there's no one else
22:47I can really think of.
22:51Sorry, Percy?
22:53Nothing, my lord.
22:54Just clearing my throat.
22:56Good.
22:58What, are you
22:58coughing all the way
22:59through the ceremony?
23:01Come on, Edmund,
23:02you must be able
23:03to think of another
23:03best man.
23:05Well, I suppose
23:06I could ask Percy.
23:07Percy!
23:07My lord!
23:08Can you think
23:09of another best man?
23:13Well, my lord,
23:14one name does
23:15spring to mind.
23:16Yes, but I can't
23:17ask Baldrick.
23:17He's a bridesmaid.
23:19Besides,
23:20I need a friend,
23:21an equal,
23:22an old
23:23and trusty companion.
23:25I think
23:25there is one person
23:26in the room
23:27who fits the description.
23:28Of course!
23:30Nursey!
23:31How do you fancy
23:32putting on a pair of hoes
23:32and being my best man?
23:34Edmund, don't be so naughty.
23:35You know perfectly well
23:36who Percy is referring to.
23:37All right.
23:38I'm sorry.
23:38Melch it.
23:39All right, all right.
23:40As shamed as I am
23:41and contradiction
23:42in terms though it is,
23:43Percy,
23:44you can be
23:44the best man.
23:46Oh, my lord!
23:47Noble curse!
23:49What an honour!
23:50I brought along a ring.
23:52I really did think
23:53old Flash
23:54would have turned up.
23:58It's me!
24:00Flash!
24:02Flash, my name!
24:04Flash, by nature!
24:06Hooray!
24:07Hooray!
24:08Where have you been?
24:09Where haven't I been?
24:10What?
24:12Well, I'm here now.
24:15Who is that?
24:17I don't know,
24:18but he's in your place.
24:20Not for long.
24:22What the...
24:28Thanks, bridesmaid.
24:29Like the beard.
24:32Gives me something
24:33to hang on to.
24:37So, my old mate,
24:39Eddie's getting hitched, eh?
24:41What's the matter?
24:42Can't stand the pace
24:43of the in-grad?
24:46Hi, Queenie.
24:47You look sexy.
24:50But listen,
24:51wear your hair long.
24:52I prefer it that way.
24:53I've got such a crush on him.
24:56And Melch it!
25:00Still worshipping God?
25:02Last thing I heard,
25:03he started worshipping me!
25:05Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
25:08Blah!
25:09Nervsy!
25:10I like it!
25:11Firm and fruity!
25:14Am I pleased to see you,
25:15or did I just put
25:16a canoe in my pocket?
25:18Down, boy!
25:19Down!
25:24And now,
25:26where's this amazing bird?
25:28The one who's stopped
25:29my old pal Eddie
25:29doing exactly
25:30whatever he wants.
25:31Ten times a night.
25:33Ah, yes.
25:34Flash,
25:34let me introduce
25:35my fiancée, Kate.
25:38My baby.
25:53She's got a tongue
25:54like an electric eel
25:55and she likes
25:55the taste
25:56of a man's tonsil.
25:59You don't want to marry
25:59this jerk, baby.
26:01Meet me on my horse
26:01in eight seconds.
26:02I can't run in this frock.
26:03You see,
26:04I find I actually
26:04prefer wearing
26:05boys' clothes.
26:06Weird.
26:07I always feel
26:07more comfy in a dress.
26:10I've got a plan
26:11and it's as hot
26:12as my pants.
26:14Quite a man,
26:15Flash is, eh?
26:16Things will serve me
26:17live when I'm round here.
26:17Now he's back.
26:18Weren't they,
26:19Flash?
26:21So long,
26:21suckers.
26:21Next time you get bored
26:22of your lives,
26:23give me a call
26:23and I'll come round
26:24and kill you.
26:25Bye, Edmund,
26:25and thanks for everything.
26:26Hooray!
26:30It is customary
26:32on these occasions
26:33for the groom
26:33to marry the bridesmaid.
26:35I presume you intend
26:36to honour this?
26:38I do.
26:39I do.