00:40I haven't even settled for Sunday night in Philadelphia
00:43Ah, let's face it, Quint
00:44We're not going anywhere
00:45We're stuck on this miserable rock and you know it
00:48Well, I don't...
00:49Don't tell me your troubles
00:50I got troubles of my own
00:52Hey, I told you guys to cut that out
01:00Liberty?
01:06You're actually asking for liberty?
01:09Ah, but sir, it's so dull here
01:11And, well, my men have been stationed here for quite some time
01:14And we're...
01:14We've all been stationed here for quite some time, McHale
01:18Oh, I could grant you and your crew liberty
01:21But you know as well as I do
01:23It wouldn't do any good
01:24There's no place to go
01:25Oh, well, sir, I thought maybe, uh, Australia?
01:31Australia?
01:32Hmm
01:32Oh, why not Paris?
01:35Well, I could keep each
01:36Cape Cod
01:38Do you have any idea how long it would take a PT boat to get to Australia?
01:44Well, yes, about...
01:45Oh, well, I...
01:46Well, well, well, it's out of the question
01:48Well, then maybe there's someplace else you could send us, sir
01:51New Caledonia or, uh...
01:54Yes, McHale, there is someplace I can send you
01:57Oh
01:57I've got a dull, thankless job that has to be done
02:01And up until now, I couldn't make up my mind which PT boat to stick with it
02:06The island of Takajima
02:08That's where I'm sending you
02:10Any action, sir?
02:11Oh, no
02:12No, you might enjoy that
02:13No, it's just a routine patrol
02:16Dull
02:17Boring
02:17Hmm
02:18Doug, get out of my dull office
02:20Before I revive that dull Navy custom
02:23Of hauling sailors under a keel
02:26Huh?
02:28Oh
02:29Ah
02:29Ah
02:34Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
03:04Oh, here comes a skipper.
03:19Hey, skip!
03:20Hey, skip!
03:22Give the skipper a chance to get his bearings.
03:27What did Binghamton say? We're going to get that leave? When do we get liberty?
03:30I'll give it to y'all straight. No liberty.
03:34Oh, we're going on a mission. We're going on a mission at Takajima, on a reconnaissance mission.
03:39A reconnaissance mission?
03:41All right, all right, store it, you eight balls.
03:43Now, let's get this boat underway, Chuck.
03:45This island is about as pleasant as a shark with a toothache.
03:49All right, you guys got two minutes to get this boat out, or else you'll have a report.
04:04Hey, skip, let's get back. I'm pushed.
04:09Back, I'm pushed.
04:10Yeah, there isn't a nip within a hundred miles.
04:13Present company accepted.
04:14Look, our owners will do a reconnaissance and buy-
04:16Hey, skip! Look! Hit the deck!
04:21What is it? What is it?
04:22It looks like an old coconut plantation.
04:25Oh, yeah, I remember this.
04:27Used to belong to a Frenchman named, um, Dubois.
04:30Hey, Fooj, you think any of your fellows are in there?
04:33I find out.
04:34Yeah, talk Japanese.
04:36Hello, Joe!
04:39That's Japanese?
04:41Let's move in.
04:43But spread out, will ya?
04:45Come on.
05:00Hey, how about this?
05:14It's great!
05:15Hey, dig! Dig a piano!
05:17Hey, beautiful! Hey, do you know Stardust?
05:20Hey, I took lessons for several years. Anybody like to hear Beethoven's fifth?
05:23I'd like a fifth, but not Beethoven's.
05:25Hey, look! A phonograph!
05:28Ferrara, Jaco, and Les Gatis, Parisianza!
05:32What does that mean?
05:33You're too young, sonny.
05:35Oh, my man!
05:36Sherry, man, I have the pleasure of this dance!
05:48Hey, John's the record player! Hey, knock it off you!
05:50Can't you see the skipper stinking?
05:53You know, it might just work.
05:55Sure it would, Skipper!
05:56What are you talking about?
05:57What are you talking about?
05:58Whatever he's thinking about!
05:59We've all been going stir-crazy back in that rock.
06:02So why couldn't we turn this into a sort of, um, a home away from home?
06:06We can make it a regular island paradise!
06:08But there's only one thing missing!
06:09Dorothy L'Amour, right, Skipper?
06:11Right!
06:12But, I'm wondering how, uh, Navy nurses look in surrounds.
06:16Hey!
06:17Oh, uh, Skip, regulations state that naval personnel in a combat zone cannot wear those, uh...
06:22Oh, boy.
06:23Did we get some of those dolls down here, Skip?
06:25Why not?
06:26They've been just as miserable as us on that blasted rock.
06:28Now, let's see.
06:29We can offer them, uh, freedom, dining, dancing, and drinks.
06:33We could even invite the rest of the guys over from the base.
06:36It'd be just like coming to a resort!
06:38We can call it McHale's Paradise Hotel!
06:41Okay, and we can do it the American way!
06:43Ten bucks a head!
06:44Now, let's not get mercenary!
06:45All right, we'll give them the serviceman's rate!
06:47Eight bucks!
06:48He'll be dancing in the Pantail Pavilion!
06:50Zukiaki in the dining room!
06:51Booze in the boozing room!
06:53The open islands all over!
06:54We'll be rich!
06:55We'll be famous!
06:56We'll be arrested!
06:57Boy, Binghamton isn't gonna like this!
06:59Well, you don't tell us his secrets, we don't tell him ours!
07:05This is your entire report on Takajimu.
07:08It's not very complete.
07:09Uh, yes, sir.
07:10That's why I request permission to return, sir.
07:11Return?
07:12Yes, sir.
07:13It was impossible to scout the whole island in one mission, so, uh...
07:17And I want to do a good job for you, sir.
07:21All right, permission granted.
07:22I'm glad to be rid of you.
07:23I'm McHale.
07:24As long as you're here, you might as well take this with you.
07:27It's a new order of the day.
07:30Daily calisthenics?
07:32That's right.
07:33This order is going out to all personnel to help morale.
07:37Morale?
07:38Yes, morale!
07:40You know what they say.
07:42Busy bodies make happy minds.
07:45Oh?
07:46They say that?
07:47Cut that out.
07:48Now make sure that you institute a daily program of calisthenics for your crew.
07:52Do you understand that?
07:53Roger.
07:54Dismiss and cut out that air car talk.
07:56High ice.
07:57Over it out, sir!
07:58Oh, here we are, Skip.
07:59Aha!
08:00One mash tub.
08:01One distilling unit.
08:02Mark one.
08:03Oh, what do you got there, Tink?
08:04The hotel orchestra, sir.
08:05Thirty-six Guy Lombardo records.
08:06Thirty-six Guy Lombardo records.
08:07Thirty-six Guy Lombardo records.
08:08Check.
08:09What do you got there?
08:10Recreational supplies.
08:11Let's take a look.
08:12Loaded dice.
08:13Aren't you ashamed?
08:14Ashamed?
08:15Ate's my point.
08:16Get rid of me.
08:17Oh, what do you got there, Tink?
08:18The hotel orchestra, sir.
08:19Thirty-six Guy Lombardo records.
08:20Thirty-six Guy Lombardo records.
08:23Check.
08:24What do you got there?
08:25Recreational supplies.
08:26Recreational supplies.
08:27Let's take a look.
08:35Loaded dice.
08:36Aren't you ashamed?
08:38Ashamed?
08:39Ate's my point.
08:40Get rid of me.
08:41Look, I'll cut you in fifty-fifty.
08:43Get rid of them.
08:45Seventy-five-twenty-five.
08:47That's my best offer.
08:48Out.
08:49Out.
08:50Ah, Skip, you got no heart.
08:52Aha.
08:56All right, Tinker, we gotta follow Bingenden's orders.
09:11It's time for calisthenics.
09:13You're the assistant innkeeper.
09:17Okay, you fun lovers, line up for calisthenics.
09:19Come on now, everybody line up.
09:21Come on, here we go.
09:22Come on now.
09:23Are you ready now?
09:25Ready?
09:26Exercise.
09:27One.
09:28Two.
09:29Three.
09:30Hip.
09:31Two.
09:32Three.
09:33Hip.
09:34Wrist.
09:35Two.
09:36Three.
09:37Hip.
09:38Hip.
09:39Hip.
09:40Hip.
09:41And turn around.
09:44And around you go.
09:46And these are the waves.
09:47And this is the sun.
09:48And this is the moon.
09:49And this is the moon.
09:50Oh, Molly, this will do you a lot of good.
09:51Two navy grogs coming up.
09:52Banzai!
09:53Grab yourself around there.
09:54Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:55And then you swam.
09:56Mm.
09:57Ooh.
09:58Oh, come on, Charlie.
09:59Let's go out in the jungle and look for orcs.
10:00Well, uh, there are no orchids around here.
10:03Uh, who cares?
10:04Ha, ha, ha, ha.
10:05And then you swam.
10:06Ooh.
10:07Oh, come on, Charlie.
10:08Let's go out in the jungle and look for orchids.
10:09Well, uh, there are no orchids around here.
10:10Who cares?
10:11Who cares?
10:12I think of all the people not looking.
10:13Well, I've got to go wind.
10:14More buffalo.
10:15The sand eu paths.
10:16Oh, I've got to go bar화a all the way out here.
10:17Ah, ha, ha.
10:19Mow ha.
10:22Um.
10:24Oh, come on, Charlie.
10:26Let's go in the jungle and look for orchids.
10:27Well, there are no orchids around here, uh...
10:29Oh, who cares?
10:30Do you think of all the people not looking?
10:32Ha, ha, ha.
10:33Yes.
10:34Oh, I got to go right to my mother.
10:35How cute?
10:36Bye, ha, ha.
10:38Here.
10:39There's all kinds of calisthenics here.
10:40Now, how about it, folks?
10:44Are you having your jollies?
10:47Then how about giving three cheers
10:49for our innkeeper, Uncle Quint McHale?
10:52Hip, hip, hooray!
10:54Hip, hip, hooray!
10:56Hip, hip, hooray!
10:58I haven't had this much fun
11:00since I gave Binghamton a tetanus shot.
11:02Ow!
11:08All right, guys, ready for calisthenics.
11:10Here we go.
11:11One, two, three, four.
11:15One, two, three, four.
11:19One, two, three, four.
11:22One, two, three, four.
11:26One, two, three, four.
11:30Buddy, what do you want?
11:31Do you ever go barging in here like that?
11:33Oh, well, excuse me, sir,
11:34but the Admiral's calling you on the scramble phone.
11:36Oh, why don't you say so
11:37instead of sneaking around like that?
11:42Hello, Admiral.
11:43Binghamton here.
11:45Yes, sir.
11:46Yeah.
11:47Oh, Takajima?
11:50Well, no, no, I don't understand that, Admiral.
11:53No.
11:55You see, McHale in the 73 boat
11:57said that that island was completely uninhabited.
12:02Oh.
12:03Oh, yes, that is strange, Admiral.
12:06Yes, that...
12:07Well, I'll check that out myself, Admiral.
12:10I'll check that out personally.
12:12Yes, sir.
12:13Yes, sir.
12:14Very well, sir.
12:16Goodbye, sir.
12:18Goodbye, sir.
12:21McHale still on the base?
12:22Yes, sir.
12:23He just came in to pick up his supplies.
12:24That's good.
12:25Get out of my way.
12:27Do you want me?
12:27I'll be aboard PT-73
12:29and ride to Takajima.
12:30Open that door.
12:32I'll have to tell you everything.
12:35Sure.
12:36Well, here we are, Skip.
12:37Two more passengers to paradise.
12:39Hiya, gals.
12:39Get them aboard, quick.
12:42There you go.
12:43Yes, sir.
12:44Hey, Skip, look what I've done done.
12:46This will give our resort a little class.
12:47Yeah.
12:48Yes, sir.
12:49Hey, how about that?
12:50Got a bad swing, huh, Chuck?
12:53What's matter?
12:54I'm waiting up to this coming.
12:57Get lost.
12:58Get lost.
12:59This is out of sight.
13:03Ah, how are you, Captain?
13:05Are you going someplace, sir?
13:06I'm going somewhere, McHale.
13:08Takajima.
13:09Takajima?
13:10Whatever for, sir.
13:11I've already done reconnaissance there, and then...
13:13And you botched the job, McHale.
13:15The Admiral tells me that air reconnaissance
13:17has seen some very strange activity on that island.
13:20He's asked me to check it out, personally.
13:22Oh, but, but, but...
13:24But, but, but, but, but, but, but.
13:25Let's get this ship on the way at once.
13:28Yes, sir.
13:30I tell you, it's good to be back in action again.
13:32The feel of a deck under my feet, huh?
13:35Let's go, let's go, let's go.
13:37Yes.
13:39Yes, sir.
13:40Yes, sir.
13:44What in blue Hawaii was that?
13:46You see, sir, I'd, uh...
13:48Well, uh, uh, uh, uh...
13:50That was me, sir.
13:53It must be, uh, must be a loose thread in my uniform somewhere.
13:56You know how ticklish I am.
13:57Yes, sir.
13:57That's right, sir.
13:58Yes, sir.
13:59If ever I saw anybody that's ticklishes,
14:01it's Mr. Parker.
14:04Cut it out.
14:05Here's a loose thread.
14:07McHale, get this butter in the way immediately
14:09and set our course for Takajima.
14:12Hi-ya, sir.
14:15Hi-ya, sir.
14:16Hmm,ここだ.
14:29Takajima.
14:32Banzo!
14:32Keep her steady as she goes, McHale.
14:43I'm going below.
14:44Notify me when we get there, that confounded island.
14:47Uh, uh, going below, sir?
14:48Uh, well, it's so stuffy down there, sir.
14:50Hey, I'm going below.
14:52Ah, but, uh, but it's, it's, uh, calisthenics time.
14:55Yes, sir.
14:55That's right, sir.
14:56All right, man, all up, calisthenics.
14:58Yeah, yeah, uh, here we go.
15:00A one, two, three, four.
15:03One, two.
15:04Care to join in, sir?
15:05A one, two, three, four.
15:08Stop it!
15:08Stop this!
15:09Stop this!
15:09And watch out!
15:10Stop it!
15:11You know perfectly well you don't have to do calisthenics while you're on patrol.
15:15Oh, but we like to do them, sir.
15:17You know, busybodies, happy minds.
15:19Yes, sir.
15:20We've never been happier.
15:22Look that out!
15:24What is this?
15:25The USS Hyena?
15:27Love it!
15:28Carol, I don't know what you're trying to pull, but I better just stay here on deck and
15:33keep an eye on you.
15:34Isn't that something?
15:36What, what, what, what are you mumbling, what?
15:38Uh, well, I said, isn't that something, sir?
15:40It's wonderful.
15:41Glad to have you on the bridge, sir.
15:43Anytime, sir.
15:44Yes, sir.
15:50Uh, there's really nothing on Takejima, sir.
15:52Uh, why don't we get out of here?
15:55I don't believe it.
15:57Oh, did you see something, sir?
15:58There's a sign out there by a clump of bushes.
16:02It says...
16:04Welcome to Paradise.
16:06Ha, ha, ha, ha.
16:07Well, there's no need to investigate any further, sir.
16:09There couldn't possibly be any trouble on Paradise.
16:13Stop that cackling.
16:15Break out a boat.
16:15We're going ashore.
16:17We have to be very careful.
16:18Could be a trap.
16:19Yes, sir.
16:22All ashore is going ashore.
16:26Thanks.
16:26Break out the rubber boat.
16:28We're going ashore with Captain Binghamton.
16:31We have to stop that cackling.
16:36Sure, this going ashore.
16:38They'll hear you all over that island.
16:40Oh!
16:43I thought I heard something out there.
16:45What'd it sound like?
16:46Sounded like voices.
16:48Quit drinking the leftovers, will you?
16:50Hey, look, when you go back there, give me your refill.
16:56Boat's ready, sir.
16:57Ah, good, good.
17:03What is that shooting?
17:05Ah, well, that's just firing a warning shot, sir.
17:08Stop it.
17:10Yes, sir?
17:10I said stop it.
17:14Oh, yes, sir.
17:16Seize fire.
17:17Sir?
17:18Seize fire.
17:21Seize fire!
17:24Sir?
17:25Seize.
17:26Seize fire.
17:28Seize fire.
17:29Yes, sir.
17:31McHale, that whole island must be alerted by now.
17:36If anything else happens, heads will roll.
17:39Heads will roll!
17:41Yes, sir.
17:42Yes, sir.
17:45It's a 73, all right, but...
17:50Jumping catfish!
17:52Binghamton's with them!
17:54Hey, Groove, take a look!
17:55Yeah, it's Binghamton, all right!
17:59Leavenworth, here we come!
18:01If we make Leavenworth, don't just stand there, we've got to do something!
18:04How do you make him with McHale?
18:12Ah, looks like a booby trap to me, sir.
18:14A little obvious for a booby trap, isn't it?
18:18Well, better let me go first, sir.
18:21Come around this way, Captain.
18:22Come around.
18:23I'll go first.
18:24Follow me.
18:25Why, it's just a deserted plantation, sir!
18:43Shh, shh, shh.
18:44We'd better check it out.
18:46There might be some nips hiding.
18:48Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
18:50Ahem!
18:51Ahem!
18:52What's the matter with you?
18:53I've got a frog in my throat, sir.
18:55A brink frog!
18:59Sorry, sir.
19:00I dropped my gun.
19:01There's one more noise. One more teensy-weensy little noise.
19:06I'll throw you all in the breeze!
19:09Yes, sir.
19:11Cover me. I'll go again.
19:29Oh.
19:31Cool, McHale.
19:35Looks like a base hospital here, doesn't it?
19:38Uh, yes, it does. Yes, it does.
19:44Oh.
19:50Oh.
19:53But it isn't, is it, McHale?
19:55Uh, it isn't, sir?
19:59Oh.
20:00Oh.
20:03Oh.
20:05Oh.
20:09Oh.
20:11You'd like me to think it's a base hospital, wouldn't you, McHale?
20:15Hey, yes, sir. Yes, sir. I'd like that very much, sir.
20:18Sorry, sir. Visiting is at 1,400 hours.
20:28I see.
20:29Yeah.
20:30Now, this is why the morale went up. It wasn't my calisthenics, was it?
20:43I never thought I would live long enough to see an officer under my command running a geisha house.
20:51Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's nothing like that at all, sir. It's sort of like a resort, sir.
20:58Hmm. And the whole thing is your idea.
21:01All of it.
21:01Uh, yes, sir. It was all his idea. We call it McHale's paradox.
21:04You're not mad, sir?
21:15Mad? No, no, I'm happy. I'm wonderfully happy. And you know why? Because this time I've got you.
21:23This is going to be one of the most interesting court-martials in naval history.
21:30Uh, court-martial, sir?
21:33Hmm. I'm going to send you so far away they're going to need a mule train to find your PT boat.
21:40Well, what's done is done.
21:42As long as you're here, we might as well have a drink, Captain.
21:45Oh, I'd like that, McHale. We can toast your coming jail sentence.
21:49What?
21:51Oh.
21:53There you are, sir.
22:08To you, McHale. An ex-thorn in my side.
22:12Ah, thank you, sir. If I had to be court-martialed, I'd rather you do it, sir.
22:16Oh, thank you, McHale. It's very nice of you.
22:17Yes, sir.
22:23Hey, McHale. It has quite a kick to us.
22:26I'll have a drink, sir. I think we're being shelled.
22:28Shelled?
22:29How do you make of it, McHale?
22:43It looks like a Jap destroyer, sir.
22:45I think it'd be wiser if we hold anchor, sir.
22:55Those are my feelings, exactly.
22:57All right, let's go. Come on in there. Lower in the landing barges.
23:00Where are we on here?
23:01Hey, wait a minute. They can't land here. They don't have a reservation.
23:03I called you in here, McHale, to read you this.
23:15My court-martial, sir?
23:18My commendation from the Admiral.
23:21Oh, that's nice, sir.
23:24It's all here, McHale.
23:26A commendation for us keeping that nip destroyer busy until our task force arrived.
23:32The Admiral seems to think that was quite an act of heroism.
23:36Ah, we all knew you had it in you, sir.
23:38Now try to butter me up.
23:41I know, sir.
23:43Boils down to a simple choice, McHale.
23:46Which would look better on my service record?
23:48Your court-martial and my commendation.
23:52And?
23:57You've got me. Have a seat, McHale.
23:59Well, uh, let your conscience be your guide, sir.
24:03Get away from me. Get out of here. I don't want to see you for a week.
24:07Yes, sir.
24:08Uh, perhaps, sir, if we took a little, uh, jaunt down in New Caledonia, a sort of liberty, sir.
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