- 6 weeks ago
The subject roasted is William Conrad, formerly radio's Marshal Dillon on Gunsmoke.
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00:00The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.
00:23Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight's star-studded roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.
00:33They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in person.
00:40The Man of the Week!
00:44Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin!
00:46And tonight's very special Man of the Week, William Conrad!
01:07Well, tonight, our Man of the Week is Mr. William Conrad, which gives you an idea of the kind of week it's been.
01:16We were originally going to honor Howard Cosell, but he's been confined to bed with a faulty toupee.
01:25We were also considering Mr. Danny Thomas, but he had a little accident.
01:29While taking his daily walk on the water, he was hit by a fishing boat.
01:35However, tonight we're paying tribute to a very fine actor, the star of a great series called Canon,
01:41Canon, which is my favorite detective show, and I'd tell you, last week they had a really thrilling episode.
01:47Canon single-handedly wiped out a whole crime syndicate.
01:51He sat on him.
01:56I don't know whether you know this, but Bill played Matt Dillon on the radio version of Gunsmoke.
02:01It's true, when they made the TV version of Gunsmoke, they couldn't use Bill.
02:04Bill, they had a little problem.
02:06They couldn't fit his horse with a truss.
02:11Even when Bill served in the war as a fighter pilot, he had problems.
02:15He was too heavy.
02:16Once he got in the plane, they couldn't get it off the ground.
02:19He had to drive it to Tokyo.
02:22Boom!
02:23Boom!
02:24There's a lot of friends and admirers who couldn't be here tonight.
02:27However, they sent you telegrams.
02:28I'd like to read some.
02:29This first one is from President Nixon.
02:32Dear Bill, I watch you on Canon every week.
02:35It's how I reassure myself there's no beef shortage in America.
02:41The next one is from the Gay Liberation Movement.
02:43Dear Bill, we just love your show, but of course we admire anyone who always gets his man.
02:52Finally, here's one all the way from Rome, from the Pope himself.
02:58Which translated means, may good fortune ever shine upon you, fatso.
03:11Ladies and gentlemen, a tremendous talent, Miss Phyllis Dillock.
03:25Thank you very much.
03:26And it was so sweet of you to drop in on me the other night so unexpectedly, Dean.
03:32Curse, I'll never know what he was doing on the roof.
03:34Now, we're here tonight to honor William Conrad, better known as Cannon.
03:42And that's because he's always shooting off his mouth.
03:46How would you describe Conrad?
03:48A fat Robert Goulet with mumps.
03:50The only thing thin about him is his hair.
04:00When he runs, it looks like a mattress moving.
04:15When he clears that wonderful voice, it sounds like a motorboat that won't start.
04:20One time, the Coast Guard found him in the Pacific Ocean, and just his head and shoulders were sticking out of the water.
04:28They said, can we help you?
04:29He said, no, I'm on my boat.
04:31Now, this man turned down Gunsmoke on television, and now he has the guts to say that this turkey cannon is going to run five years.
04:52We all know he has guts because they show.
04:54He couldn't have done Gunsmoke, because one time he got on a horse.
04:59It's now a big, hairy pancake.
05:07I've never really met Bill, and I think I want to keep it that way.
05:12Tell us, you were great.
05:28Incidentally, this is the first time I've seen you since you've had your face lifted.
05:31I hope the guy who lifted it doesn't bring it back.
05:34Ladies and gentlemen, Nipsey Russell.
05:49Thank you, Dino.
05:50May I...
05:50Oh, you're going to drink to the...
05:52Yes.
05:52To him.
05:53Well, that's all right.
05:54I know, Dean, if the Ku Klux Klan will buy the booze, you'll drink to slavery.
05:58Bill, we spent the entire week discussing the suave, the great, the gallant detectives in history, and your name never came up.
06:11You see, in the black community, we feel that you are like a mosquito in a nudist camp.
06:17Opportunity everywhere, and you can't figure where to start.
06:19We actually feel that you have usurped a province that is rightfully ours.
06:27All of the legendary private eyes were soul brothers.
06:32Boston Blackie.
06:35How soon you forget.
06:38Sam Spade.
06:42The shadow.
06:49Dude.
06:51Dude.
06:53Hey, you're never going to learn about solving crime.
06:56You'll never become proficient driving through Beverly Hills.
06:59You got to come to Harlem and walk through the hospital zone.
07:03Anywhere you walk in that zone, you wind up in the hospital.
07:07You see, you would never have made the mistake.
07:10You would never have committed that atrocity and judgment that you did in Watts.
07:15What did he do?
07:16He gets out of the car and Watts, looking like a bale of hay with the middle band busted.
07:24Walks over to a soul brother in a dark doorway and throws the black power sign.
07:29He said, right on, brother.
07:32The brother said, put that other hand in the air.
07:34Whitey, this is a sticker.
07:35On the series, Cannon, he's depicted as a man of impeccable intelligence, a man who is quite adept at scientific analysis.
07:54He asked one of the dumbest questions in the annals of crime.
07:59It was at the height of a riot.
08:01He saw a brother coming through the window of a furniture store with a sofa on his back and asked a guy, are you a looter?
08:08He said, no, I'm a psychiatrist on a house call.
08:16I don't wish to belabor that aspect of your talents and aspirations.
08:21He is some singer.
08:23I heard him a few times on the Dean Martin Show last year.
08:26And as a result of his virtuosity, he made a command performance in England.
08:32Got excited and sang, God Save the Weasel and Pop Goes the Queen.
08:36No doubt some of you saw him on the Sonny and Cher show.
08:44And you know the excellence of his musical bass voice.
08:49He is really a basso profondo.
08:53This basso sang a song.
09:02On the Sonny and Cher show.
09:06The song was so sensitive, sad, and appealing that a man in the audience tried to commit suicide while he was singing.
09:15A bullet from the man's gun just missed Bill's head.
09:20He was a pilot.
09:22I guess people don't know that he had his spine fractured in an air accident.
09:26The girl's husband flew in town unexpectedly and fractured his spine.
09:34Well, they say that all detectives suffer with flat feet and I guess they caught his feet in the wrong flat.
09:40But as a foul salute.
09:41You want a minute to work on that?
09:49We need you, Bill.
09:50We need Bill Conrad and we need Cannon.
09:54To catch the criminals and catch the spies.
09:57And keep mischief out of our government.
10:00And keep our government out of mischief.
10:03Some of the most treasured and beautiful things in England are finding their way into our country.
10:21Like the London Bridge and the Queen Mary.
10:24But I think the nicest thing that ever came over is the lady I'm about to introduce.
10:28The beautiful and super talented Miss Petula Clark.
10:30Well, I'm sure some of you may be wondering why I, an English songstress,
10:47am present at a ceremony honoring William Conrad.
10:51The answer you see is very simple.
10:54I'm his mistress.
11:00She's only kidding, honey.
11:13Yes, it's true, you see.
11:14I have been ever since I stole him away from the Supremes.
11:20It's not easy, of course, with him living in Los Angeles and me in London.
11:24We meet once a year in a shack in Bermuda.
11:28Yes, that's where we shack up.
11:30You're telling everything, huh?
11:35Please, it's one of those evenings.
11:37We have such fun together.
11:39Last year, I was a Red Cross nurse and he was a Japanese colonel.
11:50I'm only kidding, of course.
11:52Bill is a truly fine person and devoted husband.
11:55And as much as I regret it, there is no hanky-panky between us.
11:58Oh, we can arrange something.
12:01Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
12:03Thank you, Dean.
12:04And thank you, Colonel Naguchi.
12:05Awesome.
12:06Of course, you've all seen the Bob Newhart show.
12:19It gives the viewers a chance to calm down after the Mary Tyler Moore show.
12:22Ladies and gentlemen, the twinkle in the CBS eye to Sir Bob Newhart.
12:30Mm-hmm.
12:39As is true at most of these roasts, people get up and they say really terrible things about
12:44the guest.
12:45And you might get the idea that the man is an ogre.
12:48And I would like to set some things straight about our guest tonight.
12:52No one has mentioned his distinguished war record.
13:02Unfortunately, he was on the German side, which is probably why no one mentions it.
13:08There have been rumors that he is not a bright man.
13:13There's a story going around.
13:15That's not true.
13:16Well, now, you can deny this.
13:19There's a story going around.
13:21Things were not going that well in the acting profession.
13:23And Bill decided to take a civil service examination.
13:26It was an oral examination.
13:28And he studied for a full year.
13:31And he went before the examiner.
13:32And the examiner's first question was,
13:35what has five fingers is made of leather and you wear on your hand.
13:41And Bill shook his head.
13:46And the examiner said, it's a glove.
13:51Then he presented the second question.
13:53He said, what is made of leather has ten fingers and fits on both hands.
13:58And Bill pondered that for a while.
14:02And finally shook his head.
14:04And the examiner said, two gloves.
14:07Then the examiner said, let's change the category.
14:09We'll go into civics.
14:11Who was president of the United States from 1924 to 1928?
14:15And Bill said, three gloves?
14:35Thank you, Robert.
14:36You know, Bob started as a comedian in Chicago.
14:39When the wind shifted, they didn't know who to blame it on, Bob or the stockyards.
14:43So, now here's a real funny guy.
14:47I'm talking about Jackie Gale.
14:49He was so funny when he, when we roasted Mr. Hugh Hefner that we painted a star on his dressing room door.
14:56Jackie was real happy about it because it covered the word gents.
15:02Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jackie Gale.
15:04Thank you, Dean.
15:13It's really wild.
15:14Distinguished looking man.
15:15I love your mustache.
15:16I swear.
15:17You look like the owner of a chain of Taco Bells.
15:19You're my kind of man.
15:27That's right.
15:28You know, he's a beautiful man.
15:30And there's a conspiracy here against fat people.
15:31There's definitely a conspiracy.
15:33And you know why?
15:33Because they're jealous of us.
15:34Because we enjoy food.
15:35We can enjoy it eight and nine times a day.
15:38What do they got to look forward to?
15:39Love affairs?
15:42That's all.
15:42Love affairs.
15:43And believe me, it's not eight, nine times a day.
15:44It's been 15 minutes since you had a bite.
15:54Relax.
15:54We'll get this.
15:57You're my kind of man.
15:58You're the kind of guy who knows where to get fried chicken after Colonel Sanzas closes.
16:03Knows when I said fried chicken, Nipsey Russell woke up.
16:05I did.
16:07I remember that.
16:08I know that, Nipsey.
16:09Keep going.
16:10You'll punch.
16:10We'll get your own show like Red Fox.
16:11I want you to feel at home.
16:14After the show, you come up to my house.
16:16I got some aspirin bottles you can pick the cotton out of.
16:20I want to tell you.
16:23I always, you know, Nipsey always bug me.
16:27How come when you pull up to a car with black people in it, they got great jazz music on
16:31their radio.
16:31We can't get on our cars.
16:34And we got a lovely lady, Batula Clark.
16:35When I first heard that name, I thought it was a gasoline station.
16:39What do you want?
16:40The Ethel of Batula.
16:40I said, I don't care.
16:41I fill it up.
16:45And she made a record that really bugged me, downtown.
16:48I loved it so much, I took her advice, I went downtown, I got mugged.
16:53You know what he told me about English singers?
16:55The great groups come from England.
16:56The Beatles, the Animals, the Rolling Stones.
16:58They're born in Liverpool, Blackpool, London.
16:59They come here, they sing contemporary American songs.
17:02Mugged, don't miss a sip of chocolate, don't need a greater gold, damn it.
17:05Thank you very much.
17:06It's a pleasure being here.
17:08It mixes you up.
17:10And of course, we've got Phyllis Diller.
17:15I love Phyllis Diller.
17:16And I love your laugh, Phyllis.
17:18When you laugh, wild geese all over the world are changing directions.
17:20And I want to say now, getting hot, team.
17:27We're getting hot, baby.
17:28We got them, girl.
17:29I'll get them back for you.
17:31I'll get them back.
17:33That's right, Phyllis.
17:34I hear all I talk about the facelift.
17:35It's not true she didn't have a new facelift.
17:37She had the old one ironed.
17:38And I love that commercial.
17:42We've all seen that commercial, Phyllis, where you say milk gives you elasticity.
17:46What kind of commercial?
17:47I can't believe that.
17:49Elasticity.
17:49I've yet to see a glass of milk hold up a pair of old jockey shorts.
17:52And of course, we've got Bob Newhart.
17:58Bob, it's good to have you back on television.
18:00I mean that.
18:01We haven't had that much excitement since Ozzie Nelson left.
18:07That show.
18:08Did you watch that show, Dean?
18:09Bob, if you watch his show, great dialogue.
18:12Hi, honey, I'm home.
18:13Any calls?
18:15Not anybody can handle that kind of dialogue.
18:17Your show should get an Emmy for yawning.
18:19And his home life's not that much more exciting either.
18:23The other day, a peeping Tom looked through his window and fell asleep.
18:30And I know Bob tells everybody he's a modest man.
18:32He's quite...
18:33And believe me, underneath all, that's a vain man.
18:36Believe me, he's a vain man.
18:37He's got four children, all named Bob Jr.
18:40And two of them are girls.
18:43But enough of putting down everybody.
18:44We came here to pay tribute to this wonderful man.
18:47Everybody thinks that this man is just an actor.
18:48This man was a great director.
18:50You know what kind of movies he gave us?
18:51He directed a picture called Two on a Guillotine.
18:53Remember that, Biggie?
18:54Two on a Guillotine.
18:55You forgot it already, Dean.
18:57Then he gave us another big one you all remember.
18:59Brainstorm.
19:00How about that one?
19:02Everybody forgot Brainstorm.
19:04And the big one, My Blood Runs Cold.
19:06Which the Academy Award gave you an award for.
19:08Yuck.
19:10I know a lot of people are saying here,
19:12Why do we honor Bill?
19:15And I say to you,
19:16I don't know.
19:17But in conclusion, I would like to say,
19:21This is a great man,
19:22Because you don't understand about it,
19:23This man spent many years at Warner Brothers,
19:25Where he made 40 movies,
19:26200 television shows,
19:28And a couple of starlets.
19:33And I want to say,
19:34And I would like to say in conclusion, Bill,
19:38And I mean this from the bottom of my heart,
19:40You're a great actor, a great star,
19:41And fat is beautiful.
19:44Right on!
19:45Thank you!
19:50Now it's my pleasure to introduce our guest of honor,
19:53Christopher Conrad.
19:54Before I present our award to Bill,
20:03I'd like you to know that we're paying him thousands of dollars to be here tonight,
20:20And it's really a bargain,
20:22Because it works out to about $1.49 a pound.
20:26Bill, this plaque is for you,
20:27And it's inscribed to Dean Martin Comedy,
20:29Our Man of the Week Award,
20:31Presentative William Conrad.
20:33Thank you very much,
20:34That's okay.
20:43Uh, really, I, I'm so pleased to have been asked to come here this evening.
20:50As you know,
20:50I'm, I'm not used to telling jokes in public.
20:57And it's obvious that nobody else around here is either.
21:07But I'm really glad you showed up tonight, Dean.
21:10I hate to deter you away from your New Year's Eve party.
21:23Now about Nipsey Russell.
21:27I'd like to thank you, Nipsey.
21:29As you know, Nipsey has always been behind civil rights.
21:32Yes, sir.
21:33About 10 years behind.
21:34Oh!
21:35Nipsey's really done a lot for the movement.
21:40He makes Step and Fetch it look militant.
21:42Oh!
21:45And I was really surprised seeing Jackie Gale here tonight, considering he wasn't invited.
21:50Oh!
21:50Oh!
21:51Oh!
21:51Oh!
21:52Oh!
21:53Oh!
21:54And of course, you all know Mr. Bob Newhart, Carol Burnett's warm-up.
22:00Bob used to be an accountant, and from what I hear at CBS, it's sure a good thing that
22:08you've got something to fall back on.
22:15So, thank you, one and all.
22:18And borrowing a phrase from Maude, I'd just like to say, God'll get you for this!
22:30I want to thank my guests tonight, and especially the guest of honor, our Man of the Week, Bill
22:39Conrad.
22:40Everybody thinks Bill is terrific in canon, because every week he knocks off a case.
22:45But that's nothing.
22:46I knock off three.
22:49Bill is starting a new paper.
22:51He's going to track down the guy who wrote his speech tonight.
22:55You want, everybody?
22:56I'm on my way home, Catherine.
22:57Warm up the hot chocolate.
22:58I'm on my way home, and I'm on my way home.
23:28I'm on my way home, and I'm on my way home.
23:29I'm on my way home, and I'm on my way home.
23:30I'm on my way home, and I'm on my way home.
23:31I'm on my way home, and I'm on my way home.
23:32I'm on my way home, and I'm on my way home.
23:33I'm on my way home, and I'm on my way home.
23:34I'm on my way home, and I'm on my way home.
23:35I'm on my way home, and I'm on my way home.
23:36I'm on my way home, and I'm on my way home.
23:37I'm on my way home, and I'm on my way home.
23:38I'm on my way home, and I'm on my way home.
23:39I'm on my way home, and I'm on my way home.
23:40I'm on my way home, and I'm on my way home.
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