- 2 months ago
McHale (Ernest Borgnine) and his crew set out to find three USO girls (guest stars Jackie Russell, Asa Maynor, Marian Collier) on an uncharted island. With Joe Flynn and Tim Conway.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Okay, Navy! Come and get me!
00:23Are you guys a sight for store arms?
00:25Come on, follow me. I'm just reading that all day.
00:30Here! Here's some coffee.
00:32Thanks, guys.
00:35Oh, I thought I was a goner.
00:37Well, Sonny, your troubles are over now.
00:48You know, I could have sworn that was a girl.
00:50Well, it wasn't Dick Tracy.
00:52But you're doing fine, Sonny, just fine.
00:55What's that?
00:59Well, when we got your SOS, we were right in the middle of our weekly luau.
01:04Come on, Sonny. Enjoying the festivities.
01:07Talara, put on another plate, honey.
01:10Come on. Chuck, get her underway, buddy.
01:13Sit down, sit down, man, Sonny.
01:23Boy!
01:24Hey, Airsea Rescue at Midway was never like this.
01:27Ha, ha, ha, ha!
01:29Take care.
01:30No!
01:31Touchdown, man, Sonny.
01:32Look who fell.
01:33You're fine.
01:34I'll be right back.
01:35That was right.
01:36You're fine.
01:37You've got to do it.
01:38There's no way.
01:39Can't be right back.
01:40You're right.
01:41Take care.
01:42You're fine.
01:44You're gonna be right.
01:46You're fine.
01:47You're done.
01:48You're fine.
01:49You're fine.
01:51You're fine.
01:52You're fine.
01:53All right, McHale.
02:15That's time you've gone too far.
02:18Well, what's the beef, Captain?
02:20I hear the Air Corps even sent you a commendation for delivering their flyboy.
02:23Never mind.
02:25I had a devil of a time with this CO.
02:28Go and explain that grass skirt his man was wearing.
02:32There you go, Bill.
02:33Yeah, how about that?
02:34That kid really hung one on, huh?
02:37Get out.
02:38Yes, sir.
02:39I mean, well, it was strictly first aid, sir.
02:42We ran out of smelling salts.
02:43Oh, try and snow me, McHale.
02:46Well, now, if I ever again catch you turning Navy property into a Mississippi riverboat,
02:54I'll go straight to the Admiral.
02:58Oh, well, Captain, after all the action the men have been in, they need something to do.
03:02Negative.
03:03Not accepted, McHale.
03:05Now, you remember what I told you.
03:07Any more of your stunts, and I will personally see to it that you are transferred to a Nordic
03:12Circle Patrol on an ice cutter with a faulty heater.
03:19Lieutenant Carpenter is here, sir.
03:21Gentlemen.
03:22All right, McHale.
03:23That's all.
03:23But remember what I said.
03:25No more of these sea-going luau's of yours.
03:28Anything you say, Captain.
03:30Aloha.
03:32Hiya, Cubby.
03:37Carpenter, we're pushing the enemy back here.
03:41We're pushing them off here.
03:42We're pushing them here.
03:44Pretty soon we're going to be off this map altogether.
03:47Yes, sir.
03:47And then we'll be out of these islands of his, and McHale won't be indispensable anymore.
03:54Aloha.
03:58Well, let's turn to more pleasant matters.
04:00Carpenter, are all the necessary preparations being made?
04:05Oh, yes, sir.
04:05I've given tomorrow night number one priority, sir.
04:07It will be dinner for six.
04:08Is that right, sir?
04:09Correct.
04:09There'll be myself, Admiral Reynolds, General Lawrence, and, of course, our three lovely dinner
04:14guests.
04:15Oh, I'll seat the tall one in the middle next to the admiral.
04:19Oh, I'm sure he'll be most appreciative, sir.
04:21I'm sure he will.
04:23And appreciative admirals have many ways of showing their appreciation.
04:26Oh, boy.
04:30Look at him.
04:31Yeah.
04:31That's true.
04:32We're on air flow.
04:33All right, all right, all right.
04:34There'll be no rude remarks.
04:36Not come on.
04:36Hey, Skip, could I have another look?
04:38Well, just don't strip your gears.
04:40I'm reserving the shower for tonight.
04:43I know those girls are excellent singers.
04:45That artillery, they don't even have to hum.
04:47You men sure got more to fight for than us.
04:50Well, don't get yourselves all worked up, fellas, because these dolls are marked look
04:53but don't touch.
04:54Now, Skip, you trying to tell me that I can't get a date with one of those pigeons?
04:58Well, you might, Virgil, honey, when the Japanese Dodgers play in Yankee Stadium.
05:02Funny, funny.
05:04So just relax, my love-starved valiance, because the fluff is all wrapped up.
05:09After the show, Binghamton has him locked in for a fancy dinner with the brass.
05:14Oh, Boondock, did you get a go to dessert?
05:17Got it.
05:18Grover, Grover, Grover.
05:19Grover, hold it.
05:21Hold it.
05:21If you're getting any ideas, forget them.
05:23Ideas?
05:24Man, this is cataclysmic.
05:26Shakespeare will revolve.
05:27Edison will oscillate.
05:28Come on, bro.
05:29Who's going to spill it?
05:30Spill it.
05:30A bag of pearls, a Mona Lisa, and he says, spill it.
05:32Spill the pearls.
05:34Okay, okay.
05:35Now, I ask you all, which would any red-blooded American girl prefer?
05:38Dinner with some barnacle fogies?
05:40No.
05:41Right.
05:42Or the most fabulous luau of all times, catered by those gourmetical experts of feasting and
05:46fun, McHale's men.
05:48Yeah.
05:49Now, look, don't get all your hopes all worked up, fellas.
05:52Believe me, you're fighting a dead barracuda here.
05:55At least have your permission to try, Skipper?
05:58Well, it's up to you guys.
06:02After all, that's what we're fighting for.
06:04Democracy.
06:05I thought it was dames.
06:06Now, Bell, you haven't been paying attention in orientation class.
06:09We discussed democracy last Wednesday.
06:11Come on, bro.
06:12Give.
06:12Let's hear it.
06:13Tell you what we're going to do.
06:14As soon as it gets dark, we all head for the main warehouse.
06:17Fooge, you got to stay.
06:18You can't come.
06:19You're at the helm, kid.
06:19Three cases of peaches, three pineapples, two apple juice, four anchovies, two soy sauce,
06:38and two cases of shrimp.
06:42The Admiral shrimp.
06:44That's enough, Carpenter.
06:45I don't want to hear any more.
06:47And not a clue, sir.
06:48It just disappeared.
06:50I don't need any clues.
06:53I can smell, McHale.
06:54Oh, but, sir, aren't you presuming...
06:57Yes, but my stomach, which is very reliable, is not.
07:01It sings out, McHale.
07:03Oh, this is the end.
07:04This is the absolute positive Saturday end.
07:08Get him for me.
07:09Get him in here.
07:10Get him on a board, if necessary, but get him.
07:13Aye, aye.
07:15And get out the books on court-martial.
07:17Get out the books on treason.
07:19Get out the books on everything.
07:21Good day, sir.
07:28Good.
07:29Where?
07:30This day's the worst.
07:32This is the blackest.
07:34The rankest.
07:35Oh?
07:36McHale, I don't even know how to say this.
07:40Say what, sir?
07:41Where's the merchandise?
07:43Merchandise?
07:44That's right.
07:44My special supplies that I've been accumulating for my little dinner party.
07:49Maybe you've heard.
07:51I've invited Admiral Reynolds and several other guests for dinner.
07:55And I would really appreciate it if you would return my goodies.
08:00Captain, there must be some mistake.
08:02All right, McHale, that does it.
08:04That does it.
08:04I'll make this short and sweet.
08:06You are finished.
08:06You're kaput.
08:07And not even the Admiral would try and save you now.
08:10You and your bandits went and stole his shrimp cocktail.
08:13Well, believe me, Captain, I don't know what you're talking about.
08:18And even if by chance my men did happen to borrow a few items...
08:22Tomorrow!
08:23All right, McHale, you and your hooligans are confined to your base until further orders.
08:28Confinement?
08:29And arrest?
08:30Oh, but Captain, I know my men have been looking forward to seeing a big show tonight.
08:33Oh, my heart is broken.
08:36I hope the poor things don't break out in hives.
08:40All right, McHale.
08:41Now, I am personally going to escort you back to your base with a couple of Marine Guards,
08:48and we are going to pick up the booty.
09:07Willie, we're fading.
09:08Need more vanilla.
09:09Vanilla?
09:10No, this is supposed to be rum.
09:12Got to get it darker.
09:13Tinker, go get some soy sauce.
09:15Soy sauce.
09:15Go for that.
09:16Soy sauce.
09:20What's that?
09:22We blow up?
09:23Maybe yes?
09:24Keep your fingers out of that stuff.
09:25You blow up, maybe yes.
09:27How's this fucking pig doing?
09:28Last time I looked, he in the pink.
09:30That a boy.
09:30I go check.
09:31Do that.
09:33Here I am, your friendly neighborhood rum runner.
09:35All right, Mr. Dick.
09:40That has the same effect on those damsels.
09:45Wah-wee.
09:46All right, you men.
09:46What was that explosion?
09:47What's going on here?
09:48Oh, this, sir?
09:49Uh, Willie is just brewing up some, uh, some tea.
09:52After all, no loo.
09:52I'll be complete without tea.
09:54Get a hold of a bad leaf.
10:02Some sort of alcoholic beverage.
10:03Now, you men gotta remember, this is a naval installation, and there shouldn't be any alcoholic beverages.
10:08Flask coming.
10:08Looks like the captain's gig.
10:13Holy cow, it's Captain Bane.
10:15Hey, get out of here, Fuji.
10:16Hurry up, it's Bane.
10:17Let's Bane.
10:22The cat.
10:23Well, I'm not gonna say as you were, because even a blind man could see that you've been up to some mischief.
10:37Marine, you've got to check.
10:38Let's search the grounds.
10:40Hey, Groover, why don't you go along with him?
10:41Oh, no, you don't.
10:43I'm not gonna have any hanky-panky.
10:46You men take lewd nuts and order.
10:48McHale, have your radio men get the carpenter.
10:53You go with him.
10:57All right, you highwaymen.
10:59I'm not gonna ask who's the cause of all the trouble.
11:05Because there's no such thing as a rotten apple in this barrel.
11:09The whole barrel is rotten.
11:12Now, wait a minute, Captain.
11:13You're making a lot of accusations here.
11:15What trouble is that you're referring to, sir?
11:18You know darn well what trouble.
11:19Put your shirt on.
11:20You men raided my warehouse last night, and I'm not budging from here till I recover every last morsel.
11:29Oh, beg pardon, sir, but we never even left our base last night.
11:32We had our monthly Parcheesi tournament.
11:34Uh, yeah, yeah, that's right, sir.
11:36Uh, yeah, sir, the men have just flipped over Parcheesi.
11:39These bandits playing Parcheesi?
11:41Yes, sir.
11:42Oh, really?
11:43The next thing you'll be telling me is the little red riding hood bit the wolf.
11:47Captain, sir, I think I found one of the stolen items.
11:54Ah, my soy sauce.
11:58A cheesy tournament, eh?
12:01Found this stash in the bushes, sir.
12:04Greetings, Tyler sisters.
12:09So that's what's behind all this, is it?
12:12You bandits are going to hijack my dinner guests, those three lovely, sweet, innocent young girls.
12:19Well, let me tell you this.
12:21I'm going to say to it personally that each and every one of you men...
12:24Captain, Captain Binghamton, sir.
12:24What do you want?
12:25I'm talking.
12:25I'm sorry.
12:26But we just received a signal from Comfleet that the plane bringing the Tyler sisters here has been forced down engine trouble.
12:31Are they in the water?
12:32No, sir.
12:33They were able to put down on a small island.
12:34It seems to be uncharted, sir.
12:35But here's their position.
12:37They were able to radio it just before the radio conked out.
12:39Oh, those poor girls.
12:40Hey, Captain, we'll be ready to pull out in 60 seconds, sir.
12:43Oh, no, you don't, McHale.
12:45You're on restriction.
12:46And besides, I wouldn't send these yo-yos of yours out after a lobster pot, let alone three girls.
12:52Sir, I'm afraid you'll have to.
12:55Who says I'll have to?
12:56Who?
12:56Who?
12:57Who?
12:57The Admiral, sir.
12:58He specifically designated McHale.
13:07Yes, sir, Captain.
13:08Anytime, sir.
13:09McHale, I'd rather turn in my sword than give this order.
13:15Well, sir, as the gamblers used to say, the wheel is crooked, but it's the only wheel in town.
13:22Is that what the gamblers say?
13:24Yes, sir.
13:25All right, McHale, you go get these girls, but let me tell you this.
13:29If one of your men so much as lays a finger on these ladies, I'll have you all in irons.
13:34Yes, sir.
13:35You heard the man.
13:37Now let's get rolling.
13:41Bye-bye, Captain.
13:43Well, there she is, Chuck, marabunda.
13:58Boy, think of those poor defenseless girls stranded on that.
14:01Hey!
14:02Spot anything, Skipper?
14:03Anything?
14:05Boy, that's everything.
14:06Bingo!
14:10You got them all steamed up.
14:13I think one of them smiled at me.
14:15Are you all right, Hoppy?
14:16She's looking at me.
14:17Oh, boy, I got mine.
14:18Which one?
14:19The one with the mole.
14:20Come on, come on.
14:22All right, all right, come on.
14:23Come on, you bird dogs.
14:24We're going in.
14:24Battle stations.
14:25I said battle station.
14:44I'll take the beach here.
14:46No.
14:46No.
14:46No.
14:47No.
14:47No.
14:48No.
14:48No.
14:49No.
14:49No.
14:50No.
14:50No.
14:51No.
14:51No.
14:52No.
14:52No.
14:53No.
14:54No.
14:54No.
14:55Hello, ladies.
14:57McHale's Friendly Cab Company.
14:58At your service.
14:59Are you girls okay?
15:00Oh, we're fine.
15:01We're just so hungry.
15:03They're hungry.
15:04Hey, I'm Lieutenant Foster.
15:05What took you so long to get here?
15:06What do you think?
15:07We had to pick up the olives for the martinis.
15:09Good afternoon, ladies, and welcome, welcome to the South Pacific.
15:12I'm Virgil Edwards.
15:13Hi, hi, gals.
15:14I'm McHale, Skipper, and this is my executive officer, Ensign Pocket.
15:18How are you, Skipper, Ensign?
15:20I'm Rita Tyler, and these are my two sisters, Peggy and Lil.
15:23Oh, hi.
15:24Hi.
15:24Hey, how are you?
15:25How are you?
15:26Hi.
15:26Hi.
15:27Hi.
15:27Wait a minute.
15:27You're right here.
15:29Spiders.
15:30Huh.
15:30Where's your manners?
15:31Are we glad to see you?
15:33Oh.
15:34How can we ever thank you, boys?
15:35Oh, we'll think of something.
15:37You're back.
15:38All right, now, men, if you'll help the ladies aboard, we'll be shoving off.
15:41Oh, thank goodness.
15:42Let's go get our stuff.
15:44Oh, gee, Skip.
15:45How about a little cooperation?
15:46Just a little one like me.
15:47I could see you with my own eyes.
15:49Skip, as soon as we get back, they're going to put us on restriction.
15:51Uh, beg pardon, Skipper, but I think there's something you ought to know about.
15:54How?
15:54We have engine trouble.
15:55Haven't we, Tate?
15:56Oh?
15:59Yeah, yeah.
16:00Pop the gasket.
16:01Oh.
16:01You or the engine?
16:04The engine, Skip.
16:06Well, um, you go ahead and fix it, but don't take all day.
16:09I'm going to fix the engine.
16:11The engine.
16:12I don't understand.
16:13Those Indians were working perfectly a minute ago.
16:16Yeah, well, uh, well, that's the way it goes, you know.
16:18The fortunes of war.
16:19Boy, and Binghamton's expecting us right back.
16:21How about I go help?
16:22Oh, Moss, you better radio back to the base and tell him we'll be a little delayed.
16:25Uh, well, that's quick thinking there, Chuck.
16:28Yes, sir.
16:28Uh, not good, but quick.
16:32Uh, funny thing, Skip.
16:34The radio's on the blink, too.
16:35What?
16:37Hmm.
16:38We've never been in a spot like this before.
16:40It looks bad.
16:42Yeah, real bad.
16:44Yes, sir.
16:45Well, like all good sailors, I guess we'll just have to make the best of it, won't we, man?
16:52Well, here we are.
16:53Well, uh, I got some bad news for you, ladies.
16:55Uh, our engine and our radio went on the blink, and so we're going to be stuck around here for a while.
17:00But don't let that worry, you girls, because we're going to take very, very good care of you, aren't we?
17:03It's a good chance to get acquainted.
17:05Man, it sure is hot on this island.
17:07All right, all right, make this a cold bit.
17:09Now, you don't really think we're going to fall for that bit.
17:12Oh?
17:12Well, how corny can you get?
17:15Oh, what corny bit were you ladies referring to?
17:17Uh-huh.
17:18Our engine's out, and we're going to be stuck here for a while.
17:22Uh-huh.
17:22Uh-huh.
17:23Well, that's the fourth time that's happened to us on this trip already.
17:26What's wrong with all these engines out here, anyway?
17:29Well, well, uh, well, uh, you know how it is.
17:32War surplus.
17:33Well, uh, well, uh, you fellas all have the same thing on your mind, and it's definitely not war.
17:39Oh?
17:40Oh, so you can just forget it.
17:42And you better get that waterlogged jalopy of yours fixed.
17:45And fast.
17:46Come on, girls.
17:52I'm not going on any grunion hunt with you, and that's final.
17:57It's Miss Tyler to you.
18:03Hi.
18:07I believe this is our dance, fair lady.
18:09You got lost, were you?
18:11Please.
18:11You happen to be talking to the Harvest Moon Ball runner-up, 1939 Bensonhurst Division.
18:20Forget it.
18:21My feet hurt.
18:22And this thing will give me a headache.
18:27It's really a lovely island, Morabunda.
18:29Once you get to know it, why, it has some of the finest coal in the entire South Pacific.
18:34Commander McHale, as far as I'm concerned, this island is nothing but a bug-infested snake pit.
18:40Oh?
18:40So will you please stop bothering me and fix the motor?
18:44Uh, well, well, uh, my men are working on it right now.
18:47Ha, ha, ha, ha.
18:48Oh, Willie!
18:49Bring the beer.
18:50I think the gals are getting thirsty.
18:54Well.
18:55Well, here we go, Skip.
18:56And I brought the pretzels and potato chips.
18:58Beer, pretzels, and potato chips.
19:01And the Admiral promised us a banquet.
19:03Huh?
19:03Yes, with shrimp cocktail.
19:05Well, now, just don't you worry, because we're going to have some good, cool, refreshing beer.
19:11Hey, Skip, you ruined the pretzels!
19:15Skipper, Skipper, you never believe this, but I could...
19:18Hey, you!
19:19What are you fellas doing about that stupid engine?
19:22Not so good, dear.
19:23You see, the AC generator crossed the wire with the DC generator.
19:27And then the oscillator shortened the gronosteel, so I had to go in and frame us the cork.
19:32That's how those things happen.
19:35What's a gronosteel?
19:37A gronosteel?
19:37Well...
19:38Sir?
19:44Oh, a gronosteel.
19:45Well, a gronosteel, he framed the, um...
19:48Well, that's how those things happen.
19:51Listen, McHale.
19:52Don't you double-talk us.
19:54Now, if you don't have that engine fixed, I'm going to scream so loud, Admiral Nimitz is going to hear me back at Pearl Harbor.
20:00Aw, girls, let's go.
20:01Come on, girls, let's go.
20:09What then?
20:10I just come up for a little smooching.
20:12Ah, smooch yourself right back to that boat and get that engine started.
20:14What, Skipper?
20:15Come on, you heard me.
20:17We're going to get these gals back to Binghamton.
20:19He deserves them.
20:21Well...
20:22I must be losing my mind.
20:27McHale and his pirates out there with three beautiful girls.
20:32What am I running here?
20:34They could be in trouble, sir.
20:36Trouble?
20:36That's the kind of trouble McHale is looking for.
20:39The Admiral is still here and exactly...
20:44Carpenter, I must be slipping.
20:48What do you mean, sir?
20:49This is my big chance.
20:51If McHale has kidnapped those three girls, as I suspect, then I can catch them at it.
20:56Huh?
20:58Not even the Admiral would try and save them then.
21:01And I'd be rid of that reprobate forever.
21:04Carpenter, get me an airplane.
21:07Yes, sir.
21:08And a net.
21:09Let's go.
21:10Let's go.
21:10According to the fix we got, this should be the island, sir.
21:39Well, it's obvious that they're not here now.
21:44But they were.
21:46Look at the bear can.
21:47Two, three, four.
21:53Oh, heavens only knows what they've done to those poor girls.
21:58We better search the rest of the island before it's too late.
22:01But, Captain, it's getting so dark and...
22:02Never mind.
22:02How can I go back and fetch the Admiral with Justy?
22:17Thank you, Miss Tyler.
22:19It's a real pleasure.
22:20It was our privilege, Admiral.
22:22I must say the whole day has been quite an experience.
22:24Oh, Admiral Reynolds.
22:33Welcome to Taratupa, sir.
22:35Welcome, sir.
22:36Captain, where have you been?
22:39Uh, just flying around the island, sir.
22:41Just flying around.
22:44Well, it's too bad.
22:45You missed a good show.
22:47Well.
22:48Well, your man McHale here saved the day.
22:49He brought the girls here safe and sound.
22:51Thank you, sir.
22:52Uh, Admiral, I have an excellent dinner party arranged, including shrimp cocktails.
22:58So if, uh, if you and your guests like, we can, uh...
23:02If you don't mind, Captain.
23:04Uh, my sisters and I have had a very tiring day, and we'd just like to get right back to New Caledonia.
23:09Well, needless to say, we'll be very disappointed.
23:11However, if this is what you desire, I'll have my personal plane fly you down.
23:15Arknis?
23:16Yes, sir.
23:17We're at the crew and have them ready for takeoff immediately.
23:19Uh, sir?
23:21Yes, Arknis?
23:21What is it?
23:21I'm sorry to say, sir, but the number two motor has been idling rough.
23:24The crew has broken it down for a complete overhaul.
23:27We won't really take off for quite some time.
23:29Oh, no!
23:30Oh, no!
23:32Yes, sir.
23:37Begging your pardon, sir.
23:38It won't work.
23:39Huh?
23:39What won't work?
23:40Oh, nothing.
23:41Nothing at all, sir.
23:42I'd, uh, like to have your permission to leave, sir, if I may.
23:45Uh, and have fun, sir.
23:48Excuse me?
23:48Oh, uh, good night, ladies.
23:52Good night.
23:53It's been a real pleasure.
23:55Hey, you guys, get a look at this.
24:04Another show is coming here next week.
24:05Hey, Roberta and the wall girl.
24:07Hey, look at her.
24:09Look at her.
24:10She must be the percussionist.
24:11Oh, I don't care if she can play or not.
24:13I like her arrangement.
24:14You make beautiful music, do you?
24:16All right, all right, music lovers.
24:18Just a moment, just a moment.
24:20Come here.
24:22Do you want some real...
24:24He-Man, red-blooded excitement?
24:28Yeah!
24:30Let's choose our sights for volleyball.
24:32Volleyball?
24:32That's when you're looking for a show.
24:34Ah, Virgil, Sonny.
24:36Welcome to Boys Town.
24:38Oh, my God.
24:40Oh, my God.
25:10Oh, my God.
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