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Dean Martin Celebrity Roast - Rowan & Martin
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00:00The D. Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel, in the entertainment
00:21capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.
00:24Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight's star-studded roast has brought
00:31together some of the world's greatest entertainers.
00:34They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in person.
00:42The Man of the Week.
00:45Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.
00:48And tonight's very special Man of the Week, Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
01:04How are you?
01:06Sit down.
01:08Come on.
01:09Well, this is exciting tonight.
01:12You know, every now and then, a great comedy team comes along, and while we're waiting
01:20for them, I thought we'd honor Rowan and Martin.
01:24Rowan and Martin are really unique.
01:27Individually, they're nobody, but together, they're nothing.
01:30Well, I'll say one thing.
01:34Laughing had the biggest names in the business.
01:36Nixon was a regular.
01:38John Wayne was a regular.
01:40The only one who was irregular was Yule Gibbons.
01:47Those hickory nuts are murder, I'll tell you that.
01:51You all remember when Nixon was on Laughing?
01:56He said, sock it to me, sock it to me, and Senator Irvin did.
02:01At one point in their career, they were signed to star in a movie called The Maltese Bippy.
02:07That was the picture that put MGM where it is today in the hotel business.
02:15Only last week, the Hollywood Wax Museum put up statues of Dick and Dan, and the statues
02:23got more laughs than they did.
02:24Now, I'd like to call on a good buddy of mine, Mr. Joey Bishop.
02:31Joey's an amazing comedian.
02:34Timing, delivery, laughs, all of it is missing.
02:42Oh, a real funny man, and a real good, wonderful friend, Mr. Joey Bishop.
02:46There is no team in the business, I've known quite a few, to get as long as well as Rowan
02:59and Martin.
03:00In fact, many people wonder how they managed to stay so close after all these years.
03:05Very few of us happen to know the truth.
03:07I have been one of those people.
03:08It's very simple.
03:10Dan Rowan and Dick Martin are secretly married.
03:12There they are, folks.
03:19Husband and husband.
03:20One of the great love stories of our time.
03:26They met at a college football game.
03:29Dick was a majorette and Dan was homecoming queen.
03:31What a wonderful marriage it's been.
03:36They haven't been blessed with any children yet, but Dick has three kids from a previous
03:41marriage to Fernando Lamas.
03:50But in spite of everything, Dick and Dan have been deliriously happy.
03:53They are probably Hollywood's happiest couple, next to Peter Marshall and Harvey Korman.
04:02And not many people know this.
04:04People are under the impression that you were his first partner.
04:08Puppycock.
04:09Not true at all.
04:11Dick's first partner, and it's going to come as a shock to many of you, was Kate Smith.
04:15The act broke up when Kate Smith fell asleep one night and woke up to find that Dick had
04:19made her the center of a luau.
04:21Kate Smith never gets big laughs.
04:29I try to help her, but she never gets big laughs.
04:33Once, once they teamed up, they were inseparable.
04:36There was only one time they didn't work together.
04:38I happen to know the case history.
04:39Like, Dan got sick, and Dick brought in a replacement for Dan.
04:43A lamppost.
04:46Now, I would like to, because the offense, make one little suggestion from the bottom of
04:50my heart, and I only mean it for your own good.
04:52I would like to see the both of you hire an exorcist to drive out your old routines.
04:56That's it.
04:57My next guest has filled this past season with a lot of laughs.
05:13She's a very funny lady and a darn good actress.
05:17Ladies and gentlemen, here's the talented Miss Audrey Meadows.
05:20You know, when you hear the names Rowan and Martin, you immediately think of other great
05:35comedy teams, like Borax's 20 Mule, the Budweiser's Clydesdales, and they're just as hard to follow.
05:44But they are the living proof that a couple of young clods with meager talents can still
05:57come to Hollywood and make a million dollars, or even much less.
06:03Now, you probably remember their show, Laugh-In.
06:05It was kind of a telethon for thumb-sucking.
06:11Nobody, absolutely nobody, has turned out anything quite so cheap and tasteless and off-color
06:17since the Gallo brothers put out an 18-cent-gallon jug of Ripple.
06:24And Dick looks like the poster boy for amnesia.
06:27Unlike Dean, Dick Martin doesn't use cue cards.
06:30They just put his dialogue on blocks.
06:33He did do one very nice thing, though.
06:37He offered to donate his brain to Johns Hopkins University, but he was refused.
06:43They don't collect miniatures.
06:47Dan Rowan is really the one with the personality, if you want to split hairs.
06:53After you see Dan Rowan, you begin to realize just how good Adolf Hitler looked in a mustache.
06:59He has all the warmth and charm of a social director on a slave ship.
07:10Let's give the little devils their due.
07:12They were the first, the very first television team,
07:16to pack five minutes of smash comedy into an hour program.
07:20Ladies and gentlemen, the clever and versatile Mr. Artie Johnson.
07:36Give me a hug.
07:37Thank you, Dimki.
07:49Many people have asked, what are Rowan and Martin really like?
07:53Well, tonight, since I no longer work for them, I feel I can tell America the truth.
07:58People always refer to Dick as the stupid one.
08:04This just isn't fair.
08:06Dan is certainly as stupid as Dick.
08:11I'll give you an example of what kind of a guy Dan is.
08:14You know the Nazi uniform I used to wear during the show?
08:17I rented it from Dan.
08:19It was his during the war.
08:25Oh, I'll never forgive them.
08:28Their generosity...
08:29I'm sorry to fail them.
08:31Their generosity is legend in the business.
08:34When we finished taping our last show of the season,
08:37they threw a banquet like you never saw.
08:39I never saw it either.
08:40Neither did anybody else in the bank.
08:44In conclusion, I'd like to say...
08:46Why not?
08:48Where else can we go?
08:48But I'd like to say that I don't deserve to be on this day
08:52as honoring Rowan and Martin.
08:54That's true.
08:54Yes.
08:54I also don't deserve kidney stones, but I got them too.
09:10Ladies and gentlemen, former star of Laugh-In,
09:13and now on the Dick Van Dyke show, Mr. Richard Dawson.
09:22Oh, what a great crowd.
09:26I haven't seen this many people since you told a group of motorists
09:28you had enough gas to get to Pittsburgh.
09:31It is a delight for me to be here to honor these gentlemen.
09:34I had the pleasure of being on Laugh-In for two years.
09:37The other thing that gave me pleasure was having a wisdom tooth
09:40taken out through my ear.
09:41The first time that I met Dan, he sat me down in the corner in his house
09:52and talked to me for three and a half hours about the art of duck hunting.
09:57It was a very, very exciting evening.
10:00Had all the excitement of an Al Martino farewell tour.
10:03Dick, I met in London.
10:10Now, Dick is an old movie buff, and he was attending a Powell-Keeler film festival.
10:16Adam Clayton Powell and Christine Keeler.
10:18But I say this, I say this in all sincerity.
10:23With the show laughing, the guys had a chance to help many, many fellow performers,
10:29and they did this by not using them.
10:33Although they did use John Wayne, and right after he was used,
10:37he got his very first Oscar.
10:39John would have been here tonight, boys,
10:41but he's attending a recital of military marching music.
10:45And as Dean said, they did use Richard Nixon.
10:48Richard Nixon, right after he appeared, became the president.
10:52President Nixon would have been here tonight,
10:54but his secretary erased his monologue.
11:04And they did honestly and truly use me.
11:07And they used me, and they used me.
11:11And in spite of that, I love them.
11:13They're dear, wonderful, talented people.
11:15And if there's anyone here who believes that,
11:17I'd like to talk to them about some swampland I'm trying to go there.
11:30A real pro, a wonderful man, a funny guy, Mr. Nipsey Russell.
11:41In Dick or in Dan, you see a talented man,
11:48a versatile son of a gun.
11:50They've mastered all the performing arts,
11:52and they're out of work in every damn one.
11:54So we ask ourselves,
12:02of what elements does this amalgam known as Rowan and Martin comprise?
12:11Well, first of all, there is the earth's wild playboy, Dick Martin,
12:16whom we'd all like to see get ahead,
12:18because he really needs one.
12:19And then we have Dan Rowan,
12:26the scholarly one,
12:27the academically oriented man
12:29who maintains that words have the power to sway the passions of people.
12:35He said to his partner, Dick,
12:36be forceful.
12:37He said,
12:38It is easy to be humble when you're a success.
12:41The trick is to be arrogant when you're a flop.
12:46He has coined many great phrases,
12:48many of our proverbs.
12:50It was Dan Rowan who first said,
12:52He who turns the other cheek
12:54will be hit with the other fist.
12:59It was Dan Rowan who said,
13:02Help a man when he is in trouble,
13:03and that man will remember you
13:05when he is in trouble again.
13:08Rowan and Martin were supposed to do a show
13:11this season on this network
13:15in which they planned to inculcate
13:18some of their Shakespearean characters.
13:20When they auditioned, Dan said,
13:22To be or not to be.
13:24And the head of the network said,
13:26It can be, but it ain't gonna be here.
13:28So as we remember Abbott and Costello,
13:36as Laurel and Hardy will never die,
13:39surely we can't forget Rowan and Martin,
13:42but baby, we sure gonna try.
13:44And now if you can go in,
13:57we have somebody with us tonight
14:00who knows you both better
14:01than anybody else in the world,
14:04your psychiatrist.
14:06Ladies and gentlemen,
14:07would you all please welcome
14:09Dr. Lawrence Stevens?
14:22Thank you very much.
14:24Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
14:25Nice to meet Mr. Rowan, Mr. Martin.
14:27Nice to see you.
14:28Mr. Martin, nice to see you.
14:30Nice to be here.
14:31You probably don't remember me,
14:33do you, cutie?
14:36Well, you know,
14:37I once worked on your head too.
14:39Yes, because I was a plumber at the time.
14:46Hey, remember when we used to sit around
14:47and think,
14:48I ain't the plumber,
14:49I'm the plumber's son,
14:49but I can stop your leak
14:50till the plumber don't come.
14:51Remember that?
14:54Anyway.
15:01I would like to say
15:02it's such a great pleasure
15:04for you to see me tonight.
15:06So nice to be in this room
15:07with so many celebrated people.
15:09Joey Bishop,
15:10Mr. Martin,
15:11Buck Owens,
15:12the late Bob Newhart.
15:23You know,
15:24people often ask me
15:26what Rowan and Martin
15:27are really like.
15:28Well,
15:28in the language
15:29of Sigmund Freud,
15:30they're both psychoceramics.
15:34In other words,
15:34they're crackpots.
15:38Rowan and Martin
15:39are not to be laughed at.
15:47Which is a lot like
15:49this bit I'm doing,
15:50I think, yeah.
15:52However,
15:52Dick and Dan
15:53have a very interesting
15:54and very complex
15:55psychological relationship.
15:57You see,
15:58Dick looks on Dan
15:59as a mother figure.
16:00If you saw Dan
16:01in a bathing suit,
16:02you know why,
16:02I'll tell you that.
16:05And as it happens,
16:06Dick's fixation
16:07does not present
16:08any problems to him
16:10because luckily,
16:11Dan looks on Dick
16:12as a son.
16:13Son of what?
16:14I can't quite tell you
16:15right now,
16:15but...
16:17Dick's infantile fixation
16:18manifested itself
16:19very early
16:20in their relationship.
16:21You see,
16:22when they were just
16:23starting out
16:23in this business
16:24and they were
16:24on the road
16:25hitchhiking,
16:26whenever Dan
16:27would stick out his thumb,
16:28Dick would suck it.
16:29I just would like to say,
16:44you know,
16:44a lot of people
16:45think of Rowan and Martin
16:46as a split personality.
16:47Whenever they walk
16:48into a room,
16:48people split,
16:49which is what
16:49I'm doing right now.
16:50The star of the
17:03Bob Newhart show,
17:05Mr. Bob Newhart.
17:14As you know,
17:15Laugh-In was the number one show
17:16for six years
17:17on television.
17:18What you may not know
17:19that Laugh-In
17:20was a very tough sell.
17:22I would like to
17:23recreate for you now
17:24a phone conversation
17:24between Dan Rowan
17:25and the head of talent
17:26at NBC,
17:27Dave Tebbett,
17:28and it went something
17:29like this.
17:31Phone, man.
17:33Oh, there is a phone.
17:33Yes.
17:36How come I'm sober
17:37and you can see it?
17:38You want to interrupt
17:51any time during this?
17:57Mary?
17:58Yeah, who's calling?
18:01Rowan and Martin.
18:02Are they the two
18:03I hired to wax the floors?
18:05They say they're
18:06a comedy team.
18:07Yeah, listen, Mary,
18:08can I duck them?
18:10This is the tenth call
18:11in the last hour.
18:12Yeah, I'll take it.
18:14Ella, who am I speaking
18:15to, please?
18:17Dick Rowan?
18:19Dan Rowan.
18:20What can I do
18:21for you, Mr. Rowan?
18:22You have an idea
18:23for a comedy series.
18:25Yeah, I'd love
18:25to talk to you about it,
18:26but the name of the show
18:29is Rowan and Martin's
18:30Laugh-In.
18:31What happens
18:32on the show, Dan?
18:33You start off
18:38with a girl saying
18:38sock it to me
18:40and then she gets hit
18:43with a bucket of water
18:44and falls through
18:46a trap door.
18:50That's very funny, Dan.
18:51Al, you want to pick up
19:00before I got a coupon?
19:04Go ahead, Dan.
19:05I'm listening.
19:07What happens next?
19:08A guy in a Nazi uniform
19:14pokes his head out
19:17from behind a palm
19:18and he says,
19:22what?
19:25Very interesting.
19:32You got more.
19:38The best part
19:39is coming up.
19:40I certainly hope so.
19:44Then for the closer,
19:46the cast spends
19:46the last 20 minutes
19:47saying goodnight,
19:49goodnight Dick.
19:53And that's it.
19:56See, I have to admit
19:57that's original, Dan.
20:01By the way,
20:03who's Dick?
20:03He's the guy
20:08in the background laughing.
20:12Listen, Dan,
20:13I'm really glad you called
20:14and we're going to
20:14think about this idea.
20:16Yeah, I'll get back to you.
20:18Mary,
20:19in the future,
20:20will you handle
20:20the crank calls yourself?
20:21You got another one
20:27on three.
20:29Who is it this time?
20:32Carol O'Connor.
20:35He has an idea
20:36about a lovable bigot.
20:39You want to take care of it,
20:40Mary?
20:40I'm going out for lunch.
20:41This is a very funny broad,
20:53Miss Gladys Orms.
21:10Thank you, Jim.
21:12If there's one thing
21:13about Dick Martin
21:15and Dan Rowan
21:16which impressed me,
21:17it's that they respected me.
21:20They never treated me
21:21like just another pretty face.
21:25And when you came in
21:26in the morning,
21:27they were always interested
21:29in how you felt.
21:30I can't tell you
21:31how many mornings
21:32they felt me.
21:37Dick was nice to me, too.
21:39He's always helped me
21:42zip my dress up,
21:43sometimes even
21:44from the inside.
21:47But the boys sometimes
21:48got me mixed up
21:49with Goldie Hawn.
21:51They used to call me
21:52into their dressing room
21:53and say,
21:53come in here,
21:55honey.
21:55Come in here,
21:56honey.
22:00Some people say
22:01Dick Martin
22:02is a little
22:03touched in the head,
22:04but it's not true.
22:05He's just high-strung.
22:07Put a straight jacket on him
22:09and you could take him
22:10anywhere.
22:12One of the nicest things
22:13about being on laughing
22:15is Rowan and Martin
22:16always gave you
22:17their backing.
22:18When you were out front,
22:20they were always
22:21backstage cheering you on.
22:23And to this day,
22:25whenever they come up
22:26behind me,
22:27I still get that
22:28old feeling.
22:32So in conclusion,
22:33I can say this has been
22:34a delightful evening
22:35for me.
22:36I can say it's been
22:37more fun than I have
22:38ever had.
22:39I can say I love
22:41Rowan and Martin.
22:43I can say all that
22:44because I had three
22:45martinis on an empty
22:47stomach.
22:47much of the credit
23:01for the success of
23:02Laugh-In has to go
23:03to the writers.
23:05And we're very pleased
23:06to have with us tonight
23:07the man who was
23:09the head writer
23:09on Laugh-In.
23:12Would you all please
23:13welcome Mr. Foster Brooks.
23:28Oh, um...
23:30As, as Rester Martin
23:33just told you,
23:34I was Laugh-In's
23:35head writer.
23:37And I, I, I got
23:39that title because
23:39that, that's where
23:40I did most of my
23:41writing
23:42in the head.
23:53It truly was a
23:54great experience
23:55working for
23:55Dicky-Dacky-Dacky-Dacky-Dickin'
23:56It was a great experience
24:09working for Dicky-Dacky-Dacky-Dackhy-Dacky-Dacky-Dacky-Dacky-Dacky-Dacky-Dickin'
24:14And their philosophy of comedy was that every show should have something for everybody.
24:30Adults, children, morons, and degenerates.
24:38People often wondered how we managed to maintain the high standard of material on that.
24:44Or Latin.
24:47Well, you see, there were 68 writers.
24:54And every week we had a con.
24:58We had a little con.
25:03We had a little contest.
25:06And whoever wrote the funniest joke got to spend the night with Ruth Buzzi.
25:14Of course, Dick and Dan have very creative minds themselves.
25:36And Dan, in particular, especially Dan.
25:45He wrote much of his own material.
25:49Lines like,
25:50Your aunt said what?
25:52Dan wrote that.
26:05Or, oh, really?
26:08But, you know, there's one thing that used to make me mad.
26:17That's when some critics used to say that Rowan and Morton were unimportant to laugh in.
26:25Dick and Dan, unimportant.
26:29Cocky-pocky.
26:30Cocky-pocky.
26:31Cocky-pocky.
26:33Cocky- evolus.
26:46Cocky-pocky.
26:47Do you know where I'm laughing
26:58would be to say,
26:59well, I'll take Dan Morton
27:00right in the back of him.
27:03Dan Morton, take Dick Morton,
27:06do you?
27:07It probably will still be on the air.
27:17We joke it every time
27:28to Foster Brooks.
27:31Well, now it's time to present
27:34our men of the week
27:36to the funniest guys I know,
27:39ladies and gentlemen,
27:40really from my heart,
27:41Mr. Dan Rowan and Dick Morton.
27:47Thank you very much.
28:03Dean Martin helped get us
28:05our start on television.
28:07That's right.
28:08It's only fitting
28:08that he should finish us off tonight.
28:14Dick and I together and separately
28:16have been on the day
28:17as honoring other people.
28:18And it's really unusual
28:20to sit on the left
28:21and try and laugh.
28:22Oh, dear.
28:25Most of them really aren't that funny.
28:29We'll try and deal with them
28:30one by one.
28:32We have not seen Audrey Meadows
28:34in a long time.
28:35Generally run into her
28:35on an air trip somewhere or other.
28:38She is beautiful.
28:39You remember her
28:40from the old Honeymooner show.
28:42That's right.
28:42She and, you know,
28:43a lot of people don't know
28:44she and Jackie really were married.
28:45And what happened?
28:46Yes.
28:47Art Carney came between them.
28:49On many occasions
28:52and heavily so.
28:53Nice to see this lovely lady
28:55here tonight.
28:56And let's not overlook
28:56Joey Bishop.
28:57No.
28:58I don't know why not.
28:59The whole country
29:00has been overlooked.
29:00Dickie Dawson, who was always
29:08one of our particular favorites
29:09on the show.
29:10He generally is funny.
29:14Dickie Dawson is.
29:16And very nice fellow.
29:17Good to have him here.
29:18He was one of the most inventive
29:21of all of the laughing people.
29:22Yeah.
29:23Well, he's apparently retired, too.
29:28Mipsy Russell, we've known so long.
29:30Yeah.
29:30By golly.
29:31He sure does have a way with comedy.
29:33Yeah, he's been getting away
29:34with it for years.
29:38Steve Lawrence comes out here
29:39with that funny accent.
29:41Wasn't that a funny accent?
29:43These singers want to be...
29:44We'll promise not to sing
29:45if you promise not to do comedy.
29:46And people were really surprised
29:49that Steve's that funny.
29:50You should have talked to Edie.
29:52Oh.
29:54And you know, a few years ago,
29:56Bob Newhart was an obscure account.
29:57I bet you didn't know that.
29:59I knew he was obscure.
30:02Well, two hours ago.
30:03Yes, I think so.
30:04Bob has the kind of TV show
30:06that can go on forever and ever.
30:08Yeah.
30:09And when you watch it,
30:10it seems to.
30:10It seems to.
30:14Ruth Buzzy, of course.
30:15Now, what are you going to do
30:16to put the knock on this kid?
30:17She is the Don Perignon
30:19of lady funny ladies.
30:21She is the what?
30:22The Don Perignon.
30:22The Don Perignon.
30:24That's a sign.
30:28I don't...
30:29You know, when we started Laugh-In,
30:33we did the special
30:34and we did the series
30:35and there were only four people
30:37who began and who ended
30:38at the same time.
30:40And never missed a one
30:41and Ruth was one of the four.
30:42Ruth, Gary Owens, and...
30:44And what's his name and me?
30:45That was better...
30:46That was better for it.
30:48Ruth...
30:49And Ruthie is, I understand,
30:50working at Disneyland tonight
30:51and I'm glad you found
30:53re-employment.
30:54Yes.
30:55And I'm not surprised, bro.
30:58Foster Brooks?
30:59Huh?
31:00It's curious
31:00if they would pick Foster
31:02to be the head writer
31:04on Laugh-In
31:04because you do look
31:05a lot like Paul Keyes
31:06who was the guy...
31:08That's right.
31:08You do.
31:09And you talk a lot like him
31:10late at night.
31:12And you drink a lot like him, too.
31:14Yes, sir.
31:16But a lot of people
31:17have asked us
31:18where did Laugh-In start?
31:20And actually,
31:21Laugh-In started
31:22on the Dean Martin show
31:23because this is the guy
31:24that gave us the shot.
31:25That's right.
31:25And we'll never forget it.
31:26We did the Dean Martin summer show
31:27and got the chance
31:28to go on and do Laugh-In.
31:29That's right.
31:30And we appreciate it very much
31:31and we had a ball tonight.
31:35Thank you very much.
31:35Thank you very much.
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