- 3 months ago
a comedy/war episode where McHale and the boys try to help Parker win over a nurse.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Thanks, honey.
00:16Lieutenant Honey.
00:24Come on, move, Chuck.
00:26Isn't she lovely?
00:27Yeah, I got a feeling business is going to be picking up on sick call.
00:31You know, she reminds me of a pom-pom girl I knew once in college.
00:37Next.
00:38All right, now, who's next here?
00:39Come on, step up.
00:40Quickly, people, quickly.
00:41You're next, Ensign.
00:44Oh.
00:48Welcome aboard, Lieutenant.
00:49Thank you, mister.
00:50Sorry, Parker.
00:52Ensign, sorry, Parker.
00:54Oh, no, no, no.
00:56I'm not sorry.
00:57I mean, I'm sorry.
00:57I got you confused, but I'm not sorry.
01:00I'm Charles.
01:01Charles Malcolm Parker.
01:12Boy, you sure have a delicate touch.
01:13I didn't feel a thing.
01:14I haven't done it yet, Ensign.
01:23Hey, look great there, Charles Malcolm.
01:25Hi, Chuck.
01:34Hi, Skip.
01:36You all right?
01:37Yeah, I'm all right.
01:38Boy, it must be the humidity in here.
01:40Oh.
01:41Say, uh, isn't she lovely?
01:43Well, I'll tell you this.
01:46I'd like to have her on my side in a hand-to-hand combat.
01:48Say, you know, Skip, I was thinking, of course, now, if you don't like the idea, just say so, but could I ask her over to the base for dinner?
01:55Well, isn't she a little high in a hull for you, Chuck?
01:59You know, I bet you get kind of a kick out of seeing how front-line fighting men live.
02:02You know, what do you mean, too tall?
02:05I'm five foot seven.
02:07Well, you go ahead and ask her, then.
02:08Yeah, well, uh, maybe she is too tall.
02:14No, no, come on.
02:15Now, you go ask her.
02:16Now, go ahead.
02:16That's an order.
02:18Well, all right.
02:21Aye, aye, sir.
02:22Lieutenant, Anson Parker would like to know if you'd care to have dinner with us tonight at our base.
02:49Oh, I'd be delighted, Commander.
02:51Good.
02:53Good!
02:59Boy, she was even better the second time.
03:21Take her.
03:43Get this one, eh?
03:47There's a full moon out tonight.
03:48That'll help.
03:49At least it'll make him throw along his shadow, make him look taller.
03:52Say, how come Mr. Parker didn't pick out someone his own size?
03:54At least he'd have a fighting chance.
03:55Wait a minute.
03:57Wait a minute.
03:58You just gave me an idea.
04:00Wait, wait, uh...
04:01You're not going to operate on him with that, are you?
04:07No, I'm going to work on his girlfriend.
04:09Timber!
04:10I'm going to create an illusion.
04:12Oh, like I used to do in vulnerable.
04:14You're going to soar in half.
04:15No, I'm going to bring her down to Charlie's size.
04:18Hold on.
04:23One.
04:23Skipper-san.
04:27Yeah?
04:27Who'd he quit?
04:28What now?
04:29How I make teriyaki with no shrimp?
04:31I need shrimp.
04:34Don't we have any kind of fish?
04:36I got some private stock.
04:37A jog, a filter fish mom sent.
04:38Well, I'd be glad to...
04:39Gefurter fish?
04:40Yeah.
04:41What kind of a barbarian are you?
04:43You've never heard of...
04:43Gefurter fish?
04:44It's an American delicacy car off the coast of Flatbush, Fuji.
04:49Oh, Gefurter fish.
04:51Very good.
04:52I'll get it.
04:54Okay.
04:54I'll make it fast.
04:55Will you put you to be here quickly?
04:58There's another one here.
05:00Yeah, there.
05:01Come up out of there.
05:04There.
05:05Now.
05:06All right.
05:06Try that one over there.
05:13Oh, perfect, perfect.
05:17Excuse me, Skip.
05:19Didn't mean to break anything up.
05:21Ah, come on.
05:23Figured maybe this would liven up the party, I might.
05:25My homemade, hundred-proof, branded peaches.
05:28Oh, man, he's got to be the happiest peaches in town.
05:30I got to hunch it right at the dessert.
05:33Charlie's going to look ten feet tall, the lady.
05:34Much obliged, Willie.
05:37Good thing.
05:38Here they come now, Skip.
05:40Hey.
05:41Hey, you guys.
05:42Come here.
05:42Come here, quick.
05:44Come here.
05:44Now, look.
05:45We've got to help Charlie as much as we can, right?
05:47What else can we do, Skip?
05:49Well, for one thing, don't stand so tall.
05:51Slump a little bit.
05:52Slump.
05:53Not you.
05:55Yeah, that's right.
05:56That's good, good.
05:57All right.
05:58Proud of you, men.
05:59Well, well, well, well.
06:01Welcome ashore, Lieutenant.
06:03Trust you had a pleasant voyage.
06:05Yes, it was very exciting.
06:06Mr. Parker thought he cited a Jap sub.
06:08Yeah.
06:08Oh.
06:10Well, Lieutenant, I guess you've met the rest of the crew.
06:13Yes, I have.
06:14All right.
06:14Now, straighten up, boys.
06:16I told Lieutenant this is a proud outfit.
06:17Now, don't make a liar out of you, executive officer.
06:22Dismissed.
06:23You have a lot of work to do.
06:24Lieutenant, wouldn't you care to sit down?
06:26Oh, here, Skipper.
06:27Allow me.
06:28Right over here.
06:28Well, Charlie, I think the Lieutenant would be more comfortable over here.
06:32Skip, you forgot the moon.
06:34It would be right in her eyes.
06:35Over here, Lieutenant.
06:38Oh, uh, Skip, you're the commanding officer, uh, head of the table.
06:47Oh, yeah.
06:48All right.
06:50He gets so darn excited when we have girls around it.
06:53Oh, my.
06:56Oh, we, uh...
07:04The ground is very soft, you know, monsoons.
07:08Yeah, yeah, yeah.
07:09All right.
07:12Mm.
07:12Ah, well, well, have you had any interesting patients lately?
07:16Not really.
07:17Things were a little more challenging over on Vela La Valla.
07:19Ah, the rest camp.
07:21I was assist...
07:22I was assisting the chief psychiatrist with battle fatigue cases.
07:25I'm fascinated with the subject.
07:27But the Navy pulled me off and sent me here.
07:29Oh, isn't that the way with the Navy?
07:31You know, I had a heck of a time getting transferred to a front-line outfit myself.
07:35Yes, I imagine you did.
07:37Yeah, but don't let the slice up, would you?
07:39He's a giant in action.
07:41Oh, now, let's not bore Lieutenant with my war record.
07:44Mm.
07:45This is delicious.
07:47Yeah, genuine turiyaki.
07:48Do you know, this is a very authentic flavor, except for, um...
07:52You could fill the fish?
07:55Oh, oh.
07:57You know, speaking of fish, it brings to mind a wren go-up.
08:00Now, the skip and I were there, and there was this Jap sub-base.
08:03Peaches?
08:04I haven't seen peaches in six months.
08:07Well, uh, you can have your fill tonight.
08:12You better open them, Chuck.
08:14You're stronger than I am.
08:16Certainly.
08:18Actually, it's not a matter of strength.
08:20It's just leverage.
08:21You, uh, same principle as judo.
08:24Just use the object itself as leverage, and then, uh, twist it with your...
08:31...the wrist.
08:32You're right on.
08:34Uh, thanks, Skip.
08:36Sometimes the rubber suction cup will stick out.
08:41Uh, may I try?
08:43Oh, it's probably a little rust in the top of the, uh...
08:48Oh, you loosened it for me.
08:56Uh, uh, Chuck, uh, don't you think you've had about enough?
09:04Don't worry about me.
09:19I can haul my peaches.
09:22Reflex has never affected my alcohol.
09:23Good job.
09:30Well, I hate to say it, but I better get back to the base.
09:33I'm on duty in an hour.
09:34Well, let's have one more for the road.
09:36Oh, they were great, but I couldn't.
09:39You know, speaking of great, it reminds me of Alexander the Great.
09:43Did you know that he was only five foot two?
09:45Yeah, little runts, all of them.
09:47Napoleon, Toulouse-Lautrec, Davy Crockett.
09:51Davy Crockett?
09:52I thought he was six feet tall.
09:53Oh, well, no, he ain't in Texas that short.
09:56Oh, of course.
09:58Well, good night, Quintin, and thank you for a delightful evening.
10:00Perfectly all right.
10:01Come again any time, Case.
10:02I'd love to.
10:04Now, what about Mickey Rooney?
10:10How about Julius Caesar?
10:12He did all right with Cleopatra, that little fellow.
10:16Ma'am?
10:19All right, sir, I'll help you.
10:22So, I told him, Case.
10:27Stay here, sir.
10:32The first time I get in the decent cars, then I don't want to settle.
10:35I get beat out everything, right at the top.
10:36Hi, Skip.
10:37Hi.
10:37How's little boy Blue?
10:40Blue is the word.
10:41Poor little fellow.
10:43Hey, you can't that word little, will you?
10:45Hey, look, fellas, if Charlie was wounded, we'd give himself a, wouldn't we?
10:50Sure we would.
10:50Well, now that he's a casualty over here, it's up to us to take care of him, right?
10:56With sulfur?
10:57No, with a tall drink of water named Casey Brown.
10:59If he wants her, you ought to have her.
11:00Oh, she's a tough objective, Skip.
11:02So is Mount Surajima's tough objective.
11:05She's taller.
11:05Yeah, but the taller they are, remember?
11:09Now, look, number one.
11:11What is a nurse's weak spot?
11:13Sick people.
11:14Right.
11:14So Mr. Parker's sick and we take him to the hospital.
11:17Hey, how about we shoot him in the leg and say he got it in action?
11:20A limp can be very romantic.
11:23Nah, nah.
11:24Hey, let's give Charlie a disease.
11:27Uh-huh.
11:28Now, that's my way of thinking.
11:29Go ahead.
11:30Go ahead.
11:31Malaria?
11:32Nah, everybody in the hospital got malaria.
11:34It wouldn't stand out.
11:36Amnesia.
11:37I once saw a picture where Ronald Coleman and he had...
11:39Hey!
11:40Battle fatigue.
11:41That's it.
11:42Casey's been studying it.
11:43She's crazy about...
11:44She'd love him with battle fatigue.
11:46Now, look.
11:47We've all known the guys with jungle jollies, right?
11:49What were the symptoms?
11:51Their nerves are shot.
11:52Yeah, and they lose their heads at any itty-bitty noise.
11:54They lose their memory.
11:55I once knew a guy who couldn't even remember his own name.
11:58And his name was John Smith.
12:00Gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that Mr. Parker will shortly come down with a beautiful case of battle fatigue.
12:07But, Skipper, Mr. Parker's too navy.
12:09He'd never go for a scheme like that.
12:11So, who's gonna tell him?
12:13Huh?
12:20Hey, Fuji, here comes Parker.
12:21You got his cup ready?
12:22Ah, sir.
12:23Fuji used whole quarter pound of butter on the handle.
12:26Next time, I'm gonna switch the lower price spread.
12:30Ah, coffee, Mr. Parker?
12:35Oh, thanks.
12:39What's the matter, Chuck? Losing your grip?
12:42I don't know.
12:43You know, that's the third time today that's happened?
12:45No, it's the fifth time.
12:47Ah, quit worrying.
12:48What's a little temporary loss of coordination?
12:50Here they are, Mr. Parker.
12:52Oh.
12:54What they?
12:55They's these ping-pong balls.
12:56I counted them like you asked.
12:58Thirty-six dozen.
12:59Four hundred and thirty-two exactly.
13:00Now, what would I do with thirty-six dozen ping-pong balls?
13:03That's what I asked you this morning when you sent me to supply for them.
13:06Are you kidding?
13:07That's what Brownson over at Supply said.
13:09His eyebrows still haven't come down.
13:11I got him, Mr. Parker.
13:12I had a tough time, but I got him.
13:13You want to sign for him?
13:14Yeah, for what?
13:15The eight propeller shafts you ordered.
13:17Oh, yeah.
13:18Eight propeller shafts?
13:20Are you flipped?
13:21There, there, now, Chuck.
13:22A little temporary loss of memory can happen to any sensitive man under pressure.
13:26It's when your nerves start going that you got trouble, boy.
13:29What time you got?
13:32Uh, seven seconds to three.
13:34Ah.
13:35Five, four, three, two.
13:39Light it.
13:41Oh!
13:41Oh!
13:42No!
13:43No!
13:44Uh, yeah.
13:48Hey, did you hear that?
13:51Battle station!
13:52You hear what, Chuck?
13:55What do you mean you hear what, Chuck?
13:58You guys deaf?
13:59What did it sound like to you?
14:01What did it sound like?
14:02Like a boom!
14:06Uh, Chuck.
14:14What's the gag?
14:17That's what I'd like to know.
14:21Look, Chuck.
14:22If you've been studying up on battle fatigue, it's not gonna work, buddy.
14:26I don't have battle fatigue.
14:28I didn't hear that either.
14:31I didn't hear that, Chuck.
14:32I didn't hear that either.
14:33I didn't hear that either.
14:34I didn't hear that either.
14:43Well, here we all are again.
14:44Here we all are again.
14:49Oh!
14:50Say, Skip, uh...
14:54Get me to the hospital.
14:56Hey, did you hear that?
15:09What?
15:09What?
15:10That sounded distant gunfire.
15:12That was only me fluffing your pillows.
15:15Oh, noisy feathers.
15:19Hey, Skip, tell me about Maracura again.
15:22Again, Chuck?
15:23I've already told you three times.
15:26Yeah, but I don't remember any of it.
15:27Huh?
15:29Oh, okay.
15:31Well, uh...
15:33We were sent to Maracura to, uh...
15:35Harass and observe the Japs.
15:37And, uh...
15:38I needed a volunteer for a special reconnaissance mission.
15:41Oh, without hesitation, you stepped forward and said, uh...
15:44Let me go, Chief.
15:46Well, I tried to talk you out of it, but...
15:48Like always, I just couldn't.
15:51So, armed only with a pistol,
15:54you walked into the jungle.
15:57Suddenly, you felt a cold barrel of a Jap machine gun
16:00up against your neck.
16:02You froze.
16:04And you whirled.
16:06And whacked!
16:07Whacked!
16:07And you had him on your back screaming for mercy!
16:09Three against one!
16:10You were magnificent!
16:12I must have been.
16:14I only wish I could remember it.
16:19Hey, Skipper, tell me again, will you?
16:21Oh, well...
16:22Four times is enough for one day.
16:24Now you go to sleep.
16:25Yeah.
16:26Ace, you've been through...
16:29heck.
16:30Try to forget it, buddy.
16:32Yeah, but what's the use of being a hero
16:34if you're so fuzzy on the details?
16:36Well...
16:36Well...
16:37You'll make it, Ace.
16:40See you, boy.
16:42Let's see.
16:43Oh, Chuck, darling,
16:45if you were here to fold me in your arms
16:47and let me snuggle my little head
16:49against your tall chest, I would...
16:51Oh, come on, Skip.
16:52Give me a break.
16:53I can't write a love letter
16:54with someone peeking over my shoulder.
16:56I'm sorry, Virg.
16:59How you doing, Willie?
17:01Well, so far, I've got
17:02dearest cheery.
17:04Yeah?
17:04That's French for boyfriend, ain't it?
17:07That's close enough.
17:08Go on.
17:09Well, that's as far as I got.
17:10That's all the French I know
17:11except bon voyage and lingerie,
17:13and I can't figure out
17:14how to work both of them
17:15into the center.
17:16Well, keep trying, boy.
17:18Keep trying.
17:19You know what we gotta do, man,
17:20is to make our man look like
17:22a cross between, uh...
17:25Hey, hey, that's beautiful, Fuji.
17:28Look at this, fellas.
17:29In Japanese, no less.
17:33Great, Fuji.
17:34We gotta make him look like
17:35a cross between, uh...
17:37uh...
17:37Rudolph Valentino
17:38and Jack the Giant Killer.
17:40Jack the Giant Killer?
17:41Sure.
17:42Well, maybe Mr. Parker
17:43won't look so short lying down, huh?
17:46How's this, Skipper?
17:47Yeah, let's see.
17:49Hey, Virg.
17:51Hey, lover boy, listen to this.
17:53My own darling beloved,
17:55no more shall my eyes
17:57drink the sight of you like wine,
17:59nor with a look that is a kiss
18:00follow the sweet grace of you.
18:04Farewell, my treasure, my love.
18:07I am never away from you.
18:09In another world,
18:11I shall still be the one
18:12who loves you beyond measure.
18:15Signed,
18:18your pen pal,
18:20Roxanne.
18:24Oh, that's pretty good, Tink.
18:26Pretty good.
18:26Nothing.
18:27That's perfect.
18:28Serenal de Bergerac,
18:29Act 5, Scene 3.
18:30Yes, sir, Chuck,
18:35just great.
18:37Great!
18:39Another couple of weeks
18:40on the Casey's Care
18:41and you'll be your old
18:42fighting self again.
18:44And look at all the mail
18:45you got.
18:46Did he show you any of the letters
18:47he's been pouring in lately?
18:48Ensign Parker says
18:49there must be some mistake.
18:50He doesn't know
18:51any of these people.
18:52Oh, now, poor kid.
18:54Still draws a blank, huh?
18:55Even to his love life.
18:58And maybe I can help
18:59remember his days of glory.
19:01Hey, look at this.
19:03A Hollywood postmark.
19:05I'll bet it's
19:06for Marlena Dietrich, Chuck.
19:07No.
19:09No, hers come in lavender.
19:11No, this smells more
19:13like Betty Grable.
19:14Orange Blossomy, kind of.
19:16Wouldn't you say?
19:18Smells to me like
19:19men's after-shave lotion.
19:23Well, we're both wrong.
19:25It's from Rita.
19:26Rita Hayworth, Chuck.
19:27Remember that Saturday night
19:28in San Diego?
19:29Yeah.
19:30She entertained the fleet
19:31from a flat top.
19:32Yeah, well,
19:33she hasn't forgotten you, buddy.
19:35Listen to this.
19:36Dearest Charles,
19:38show biz doesn't seem
19:39the same without you.
19:40Why don't you write?
19:42You know, I don't understand.
19:44I was way up
19:45in the crow's nest
19:45and I just whistled
19:46at her a little.
19:47I didn't even think
19:48she noticed me.
19:49Hey, look at this.
19:51From the girl next door,
19:52Troy, New York.
19:54I live in Schenectady.
19:56Oh, well, she moved.
19:57You want me to read it
19:58to you, buddy?
19:59Oh, no thanks, Skip.
20:01Ah, you're right.
20:02I shouldn't be reading this.
20:03It's much too personal.
20:06Look, why don't I just
20:07step outside
20:07and let Casey read it to you?
20:09I know she knows
20:11how much it'll do
20:12for your morale, buddy.
20:15Right.
20:17Stay with him, Ace.
20:24You know, uh,
20:25I didn't want to say anything
20:26while the skip was here,
20:27Lieutenant,
20:27but is battle fatigue contagious?
20:30He's been acting
20:30awful strange lately.
20:32Who hasn't?
20:33You want me to read this, James?
20:35All right.
20:36But before you start,
20:37I want to say one thing.
20:38There's nothing between
20:39me and this girl.
20:40Honest.
20:41But you don't even know
20:42who it's from yet.
20:43It doesn't make any difference.
20:44There was never anything
20:45between me and any girl.
20:49My own dearly beloved,
20:50no more shall my eyes
20:52drink the sight of you
20:53like wine,
20:54nor with a look
20:55that is a kiss
20:56follow the sweet
20:57grace of you.
20:58Farewell, my treasure,
21:02my love.
21:03I am never away from you.
21:05In another world,
21:06I shall still be the one
21:07who loves you
21:08beyond measure.
21:10Signed,
21:11your pen pal,
21:13Roxanne.
21:16You got a tissue?
21:21What?
21:22Crazy kid writes
21:23a gutsy letter.
21:26I only wish
21:27I could remember.
21:29Him.
21:31Him.
21:33Him?
21:35You mean Roxanne's
21:36a him?
21:38Edmund Rostand.
21:39Cyrano de Bergerac,
21:41Act 5,
21:42Scene 3.
21:43Cyrano de Bergerac?
21:47Hey, wasn't he the guy
21:48who had the idea
21:49that he was so ugly
21:50because he had
21:50a big, long,
21:51hideous nose?
21:52That's right.
21:53Yeah.
21:55And he and another guy
21:56were in love
21:56with the same woman.
21:58And Cyrano wrote
22:01beautiful love letters
22:02to her
22:02so that she'd fall in love
22:03with him
22:04even though it was
22:04breaking his own heart.
22:07Huh.
22:07Well, two can play
22:12at that game.
22:14Casey,
22:14I've got a confession
22:15to make.
22:16Quentin loves you.
22:18Commander McHale?
22:20Well, but he can.
22:21Huh.
22:21Had me fooled
22:22at first, too.
22:23He's been forcing me
22:24to ask you to dinner
22:25and then plying me
22:26with those brandy peaches
22:27to get me out of the way.
22:28Huh.
22:29But he can't be.
22:30Then pretending
22:31all those battles
22:31fatigue me.
22:32Huh.
22:32With just a cover
22:33so he can get me
22:34in here
22:34and be near you.
22:35Ensign Parker,
22:36he can't be in love
22:37with me.
22:38I'm already married.
22:40Casey,
22:41you and I know
22:42that you're in love
22:42with me.
22:43But in all fairness,
22:44I...
22:44What do you mean
22:49you're already married?
22:50My husband is a pilot
22:52in the transport command.
22:54Well, now,
22:55what's a big idea
22:56leading McHale on?
22:57Huh.
22:58Huh.
22:58Huh.
22:58Huh.
22:58Huh.
22:58Huh.
22:58Huh.
22:58Huh.
22:59Huh.
22:59Huh.
22:59Huh.
22:59Huh.
23:00Now, don't forget
23:00our party.
23:01Bye-bye, baby.
23:02Huh.
23:04Hey, Skipper,
23:04wait a minute.
23:05Hey, what are you
23:06doing out of bed?
23:07Oh, I wouldn't
23:08stay in this hospital
23:08another minute
23:09with that two-timing
23:10Jezebel.
23:11Skipper,
23:12you've got to forget her.
23:13She's not for you.
23:14What are you talking about?
23:16You're in love
23:17with a married woman.
23:19Oh?
23:20Don't worry, Skip.
23:21There are plenty
23:21of other fish in the ocean.
23:23And somewhere out there,
23:24there's a woman
23:24who'll love you
23:25for what you are.
23:27In spite of your nose.
23:28Spider-mite.
23:33Spider-mite.
23:33Spider-mite.
23:33Spider-mite.
23:33Spider-mite.
23:44Two weeks of rest
23:47and recreation
23:48in Sydney, Australia.
23:50Chucky boy,
23:51you really got it made.
23:52Oh, I'm sorry, Skipper.
23:54I feel like a rat,
23:55but orders are orders.
23:56Well, you can't argue
23:57with the medics,
23:58so have a ball.
23:59But look,
24:00whatever you do,
24:01pick on a girl
24:01your own size,
24:02will you?
24:05Here I am,
24:06Mr. Parker.
24:06Reporting for duty, sir.
24:08Shall I carry your bag
24:08to Sydney?
24:09I mean the boat.
24:10As ordered?
24:11I didn't order you
24:12to do that.
24:13You didn't?
24:15I could have sworn.
24:16I must be losing
24:17my memory.
24:19Your gig is ready,
24:20Mr. Karpmeyer.
24:21Mr. Karpmeyer?
24:23Ah, look,
24:24you little weasel.
24:25You know his name
24:25was Parker and...
24:26Hey!
24:29What was that?
24:31What was what?
24:33I didn't hear anything.
24:37Okay, you gold bricks.
24:39You're staying right here
24:41on Devil's Eye
24:41along with the rest of us
24:43battling for these changes.
24:44Now out!
24:45Out!
24:46Out!
24:47Get out of here!
24:48Get out of here!
24:53Get out of here!
25:08Out!
25:09¶¶
25:38¶¶
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