- 7 hours ago
Dean Martin hosts a star-studded celebrity roast of Redd Foxx.
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00:00The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast
00:16Coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel
00:19In the entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada
00:23The glittering city of excitement and laughter
00:25Provides the scintillating backdrop for tonight's star-studded roast
00:29Ladies and gentlemen, from the Ziegfeld Room of the Grand Hotel
00:34Some of the world's greatest entertainers are here tonight
00:37They're in Las Vegas, in person
00:39As Dean Martin honors our man of the hour
00:44Red Fox
00:45With tonight's guests
00:51Joe Garagiola
00:54Steve Allen
00:56Nate Vigoda
00:58Slappy White
01:00Jimmy Walker
01:02Isabelle Sanford
01:04Isaac Hayes
01:06Norm Cosby
01:08LaWanda Page
01:10George Kirby
01:12Nipsey Russell
01:14Milton Berle
01:16Marty Allen
01:17Marty Allen
01:18Orson Welles
01:20Don Rickles
01:22And your roast master, Dean Martin
01:25With tonight's man of the hour, Red Fox
01:29We're all gathered at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas
01:45For the first man of the year roast of the new season
01:48Before, before I go
01:51Any further, and it could be any farther
01:57Makes no difference to me
01:58I want to apologize to those of you who came expecting pheasant under glass
02:03Well, we don't have that
02:05But we got something close
02:07Tonight we're roasting an old buzzard
02:10You know how every week on his show, Red looks up and yells
02:17I'm coming to join you, Elizabeth
02:20He's talking to Elizabeth Ray
02:24Red is really an American success story
02:33Though he was born in Harlem, New York
02:35He picked himself out of the gutter
02:37Unfortunately, he left his mind there
02:40Born in poverty
02:46He didn't get his first pair of shoes until he was 11
02:50He stole them off a wino
02:52And, Red, I want them back
02:56Red never forgot the fact that he had to walk around barefoot
03:06When he got his first big check in show business
03:09Red bought himself a hundred pair of shoes
03:11And he didn't forget his father
03:13He bought him a shoeshine kit
03:15Raising Red in a tough neighborhood like Harlem
03:22Wasn't easy for Red's mother
03:24She was always working
03:26In the daytime she worked in a factory
03:28And at night in a restaurant
03:30She had to keep working
03:32She was putting Red through prison
03:34Red's a little nervous now
03:38That we have a southerner as president
03:41He's afraid he'll be asked to move to the back of the country
03:44Ah, but seriously, Red
03:51I never miss any of your shows
03:53Because you're funny
03:54Especially when you put on the dress
03:56And do Geraldine
03:57Ladies and gentlemen
04:03One of the funniest guys in our show
04:05Is Slap, Dean, and White
04:07Thank you, Dean
04:15It's good to see so many brothers and sisters on the desk today
04:20And that's one thing I can say about Dean Martin
04:23He don't draw no color line
04:24And in his condition, he can't even draw a straight line
04:28But I know why there's so many black brothers and sisters up here today
04:35They just found out there is life on Mars
04:38And they are black
04:40Houston reported they dug up a 10,000 year old Cadillac
04:45And two payments were due
04:47Loana Pays
04:52Hello, Loana
04:53Red says she's so ugly
04:55She tried to get a facelift
04:57Had to send out for a donor
04:58She was on a USO show
05:04She gave her a picture
05:05He put it right over his heart
05:07He said if it stopped a clock
05:08It might stop a bullet
05:09Dave Vigoda
05:16Don't you ever smile, eh?
05:19You look at a role, a role, a get indigestion
05:21Jimmy Walker sitting there
05:27Jimmy Walker from the good times
05:28Is that your lips or you wearing a turtleneck sweater?
05:35Now I'd like to turn my thing to Joe Gragiola
05:38Hello, Joe
05:39Mr. Baseball
05:40Do you know Joe Gragiola, Mr. Baseball?
05:45During his baseball career
05:47He was sold more times than a slave
05:49Mr. Steve Allen
06:08The roots of the Red Fox family
06:16Are seriously quite unusual
06:18His ancestors were not
06:19Despite what you might think
06:20His ancestors were not captured in Africa
06:22By a slave ship
06:24They kept getting left behind
06:25It worked out okay
06:32They were the first black family
06:33To land at Plymouth Rock
06:34And throw it through the window
06:36Of the general store
06:37But they quickly adapted
06:43To the American way of life
06:44And when the pilgrims
06:46Were out shooting turkeys
06:47For Thanksgiving
06:48Red's family was out shooting chitlins
06:51In the Old South
06:55It was Reginald Fox
06:56Who actually said to Eli Whitney
06:58I've seen enough cotton
06:59I think I'll invent gin
07:00And this man who sits here tonight
07:08He may not look the part
07:09But he really comes from
07:11A long line of military heroes
07:12It was
07:13Well, you think I'm kidding
07:15It was an ancestor of Red's
07:17At the Battle of Waterloo
07:18Who shouted the immortal words
07:19Don't fire until you see the whites
07:22Ladies and gentlemen
07:39Your favorite comedian
07:40And here's
07:41Mr. Milton Berland
07:42I'm very, very happy to be here
07:53Tonight honoring this Oreo cookie
07:55Red Fox, ladies and gentlemen
08:03Is not your everyday
08:04Run-of-the-mill
08:05Dirty old man
08:06Red Fox is not only a Negro
08:09But he has been
08:10For many, many years
08:11Ladies and gentlemen
08:16I say
08:16The blacks
08:17Have it made
08:18Because they can walk home alone
08:20At three o'clock in the morning
08:22What about the Jews?
08:27What about the Jews?
08:30Just remember, Sloppy
08:31You need the Jews
08:32The blacks got the rhythm
08:34But the Jews own the instrument
08:35But one thing you can say about Red
08:44One thing you can say about Red
08:45He does take care of his health
08:47He does
08:48He sits around the pool
08:49Sunning himself
08:50Trying to get the bottom of his feet
08:52To match the rest of them
08:53Look at the people that showed up
08:57For you this evening
08:58Orson Welles
08:59One of the great actors of all times
09:02Who has done everything
09:03Yes, you've done everything
09:10Thank God
09:11You've never been caught at it
09:12But there's something nice
09:16That I should talk about
09:17Our guest of honor
09:18And that is Red Fox
09:19I know him a long time
09:20He's very generous
09:21He gave his ex-wife
09:23Everything he had
09:24But that's not much
09:26At his age
09:27How much time do I have left
09:36Just keep going
09:37Until you get a laugh
09:38I remember that
09:53And you'll also use it
09:55In 1951
10:00I must tell you
10:01He started an act
10:02With Slappy White
10:03And found out one thing
10:05All the slapping in the world
10:06Will never make you white
10:08Those of you who watch
10:20Sanford and Son
10:21Know
10:23Loana Page
10:25Better known to you as
10:27Aunt Esther
10:28She's the only person
10:31On earth
10:32That Red Fox
10:33Fears
10:34She's so mean
10:38And nasty
10:38When she
10:39Checked into the
10:40MGM Grand
10:41Today
10:41The MGM
10:43Line
10:43Checked out
10:44This is a lovely lady
10:49And a beautiful comedian
10:51Miss Loana Page
10:53What a thrill this is
11:04Me
11:09Standing here
11:10Between rummy
11:12And dummy
11:14And I heard about you
11:23Honky
11:24You just keep your
11:30Chicken picking hands
11:31To yourself
11:32Cause I'm carrying
11:34A can of mace
11:34Put it on ice
11:37And I'll drink it
11:44Now take a good look
11:48At this man
11:49Devil
11:51Written all over his face
11:52Just look at it
11:55Now what other old man
11:57Has wrinkles
11:58That spell out
11:58Obscene words
12:00When I first met this man
12:05He told me
12:06He was a church worker
12:07Can you imagine
12:11A church worker
12:11Honey
12:12That's what he said
12:13Honey
12:15If he ever
12:15Worked in the church
12:16It was finding
12:18New sins
12:18The preacher
12:19Never heard of
12:20I want you to know
12:27I'm not afraid
12:28Honey
12:28Just cause I'm
12:29On your show
12:29You think I need you
12:31Honey
12:32I need you
12:33Like a rooster
12:34Needs a marriage license
12:36He's been asking me
12:44Since I was a kid
12:45Back in St. Louis
12:46Honey
12:47He was there
12:48The night I won
12:49A beauty contest
12:50Remember that
12:51Red
12:51They gave me
12:52A silver cup
12:53Yeah
12:54They gave you
12:55A silver cup
12:56Alright
12:56To keep your teeth in
12:57You just keep quiet
13:10You old fish eyed fool
13:11You ain't no judge of beauty
13:13You should have seen
13:16His first wife
13:17Honey
13:17That woman was
13:19Ugly
13:20How ugly was she?
13:23Honey
13:26She was so ugly
13:27If her picture
13:27Was on a stamp
13:28Nobody would lick her
13:29You were right
13:38She was ugly
13:39But
13:39That's the reason
13:41Why I married
13:41An ugly girl
13:42You see
13:43Around that time
13:45I tried to join
13:46The Elks
13:47And they turned me down
13:48And I tried to join
13:50The Shriners
13:50And they turned me down
13:51So I figured
13:53Just to get even
13:54I'd marry Moose
13:55Honey Red
14:02Didn't tell the whole story
14:04Not only was
14:06His first wife ugly
14:07She was cruel
14:08She buried three husbands
14:11And two of them suckers
14:13Was alive
14:14And when he broke up
14:22With her
14:23He started chasing
14:24After me
14:24After we started
14:29Going together
14:29He got me
14:30A set of wheels
14:31He said
14:33If I cooperate
14:34He'd go and steal
14:34The rest of the car
14:35And I hear you
14:43Whistling over there
14:44George Kirby
14:44You call me
14:46Aunt your mama
14:47One more time
14:48And I'm gonna
14:48Whip your ballot
14:49And Slappy
14:54I heard some of the things
14:57You said about me
14:58You making fun of me
15:01That girl you go with
15:03Is so ugly
15:04That she's got pimples
15:06On her watch
15:07Honey you can see
15:12What Nipsey runs around with
15:14Honey Nipsey goes around
15:16Telling everybody
15:17His girl is a model
15:18For a perfume company
15:19She's a model
15:22For a perfume company
15:23All right
15:23Brute
15:24I heard what you said
15:30Milton girl
15:30You keep on
15:33Talking that talking
15:34I'm gonna put that cigar
15:35Where you can't smoke it
15:36And now it's time
15:46For me to do something
15:47That's one of the
15:49Hardest things
15:50I've ever tried to do
15:51In my life
15:52Whenever anybody
15:54Finishes up here
15:55It's customary
15:56To kiss the guests
15:57Of honor
16:22I'd like to read you
16:24Some telegrams
16:25There's a people
16:26That couldn't make it
16:26Yeah
16:27I couldn't make it
16:28Yeah
16:28And here's what
16:30We
16:30Oh
16:34How do all these people
16:47Get in my room
16:48Oh
16:52This one's from
16:53A child
16:54Psychologist
16:55Dr. Spock
16:56Here
16:57Dear Red
16:57Would love for you
16:59And Freddie Prince
17:00To co-star with me
17:01On my television special
17:03I'm calling it
17:04Spick
17:05Spock
17:05And Spook
17:06Judge Colby
17:13Is a man
17:14Who can talk to you
17:15In 250 different voices
17:17Which is two more
17:19Than a politician can
17:20Ladies and gentlemen
17:22Mr. George Kirby
17:23I'm here to tell you people
17:34What a big man he is
17:36This skinny little runt
17:37With a fuzzy head
17:38Who looks like
17:39A youth Q-tip
17:41Now I'll give you an idea
17:43Of what some of his
17:44Very dear friends
17:45Have said about him
17:46Such as
17:46John Wayne
17:47Well
17:50I want you to listen
17:51And listen good
17:53Pilgrim
17:54You know how I feel
17:57About
17:57Commie pinkos
17:59Well I'll tell you
18:02Straight
18:02This little
18:04Bandy
18:05Laker
18:05Little dude
18:06Is the only
18:08Umbria I know
18:09Who's better red
18:10Than dead
18:10You know I
18:20I recall a tribute
18:22The immortal
18:24Edgar Buchanan
18:25Once paid red
18:27Well
18:29Well
18:30Howdy friends
18:31I've watched
18:32Red Foxx
18:33On Sanford and Son
18:34And you know
18:36And really
18:37I mean
18:38I don't know why
18:39They make fun
18:40Of the way I walk
18:41I mean
18:42Red Shuffles
18:43Like a man
18:44Who just shoplifted
18:45A dozen eggs
18:46In his long johns
18:47And if he sat down
18:48He'd leave an omelet
18:49And I know somebody
18:54Who really respects
18:55Him
18:55Miss Pearl Bailey
18:57Hello
19:01Dummy
19:02Well hello
19:05Dummy
19:06Don't give up
19:09You understand me
19:10Because if that movie
19:11We did together
19:12Don't get started
19:13Pretty soon honey
19:14Pearl and me
19:15Is going to give you
19:15More than roast
19:16You're going to end up
19:18A southern fried turkey
19:19Turkey
19:19Red
19:27As a surprise
19:28To you
19:29We've flown in
19:30Your former maid
19:31Senorita
19:33Torres
19:34Thank you
19:45I don't know
19:47If you remember me
19:48But I once
19:48Auditioned for you
19:49As a gold digger
19:50Oh sure
19:53You were the little blonde
19:55I patted on the end
19:56No
19:57I was the brunette
19:58You pinched
19:59In the end
19:59El senor red
20:05Was a very
20:06Understanding employer
20:08Oh yes
20:08Because we both
20:09Were raised
20:10In a spanish
20:11Speaking city
20:12Harlem
20:13I got my job
20:19With senor Fox
20:20Through the
20:21New York Times
20:22I picked it up
20:23Yes
20:23New York
20:24New York
20:24I
20:24I picked it up
20:27On my doorstep
20:28One morning
20:28And he was
20:30Sleeping under it
20:31He even corrected
20:36My accent
20:36Yes
20:38I used to say
20:39Si senor
20:40Instead of
20:41Yes
20:42Boss
20:42He even explained
20:49To me
20:49How to cook
20:50A southern
20:50Spanish style
20:51Oh yes
20:52For dinner
20:52He used to love
20:53Chitling taco
20:54Refried grits
20:55And chili
20:56Cocked catfish
20:57At night
21:02I used to lay
21:03Out his evening
21:03Clothes
21:04Sometimes
21:04With him
21:05Still in them
21:06That senor
21:11Was very proud
21:12Of me
21:12He treated me
21:13Just like
21:14His own daughter
21:15Especially when
21:16The men from
21:16The welfare department
21:17Came around
21:18Thank you so much
21:21Thank you very much
21:24Thank you very much
21:25Thank you very much
21:26Thank you
21:31For a great
21:34For any
21:34Ladies and gentlemen, you're beautiful.
21:39Our next guest, Abe Vigoda, has spent two years on the Barney Miller Show.
21:45He plays Detective Philip K. Fish.
21:49If his face was any longer, he wouldn't have to wear pants.
21:57Ladies and gentlemen, Abe Vigoda.
22:04The executives at ABC, well, have heard rumors about Red Fox's lifestyle.
22:18And since I am a detective with some experience, they've asked me to shadow Red Fox day and night.
22:26During the day, well, it was no problem.
22:31But at night, it was tough.
22:34It's not easy shadowing a shadow.
22:43Monday night.
22:45Picked up subject at Swinging Orgy in Hollywood Hill.
22:531 a.m.
22:54Party is getting wilder.
22:56Women show up.
22:57Red drinks champagne from Starlet's Pantyhole.
23:00Gets run in his throat.
23:142.10 a.m.
23:15On his way home, the highway patrol stops Red and gives him a ticket for zigzagging on the freeway.
23:21Without a car.
23:224 a.m.
23:27Wakes up with a start, looks around the bed, and realizes there's no one to start with.
23:31Suddenly, he remembers why his wife isn't there.
23:44She ran away with his best friend, George.
23:47George wasn't his best friend until he ran away with his wife.
23:509 a.m.
23:55Decides to have a car wash, but car wash isn't open, so he takes it to paint shop and has it painted red, blue, orange, purple, yellow, green.
24:04And explains reason.
24:06In case he has accident, it will confuse the witnesses.
24:14Feels lucky, so he drives down to Watts to play in poker game.
24:17In the first hand, he has five aces, but is beaten by five kings.
24:24In Watts, five kings is four kings and a razor.
24:28Our next guest is the star of good times, Mr. Jimmy Dynamite Walker.
24:48I'm so glad you finally got my name straight.
25:00For a while, they kept calling me Johnny Walker Black.
25:06If Red had to get a kid today, it'd be just like his old man, born with a silver spoon in his nose.
25:12They say that Red has a dirty mouth.
25:19On the contrary, his mouth is the cleanest part of his body.
25:25It's been washed out with soap so many times.
25:32Red likes to feel at home.
25:34That's how come he brings an entourage of 300 people with him at all times.
25:39It reminds him of his childhood when he lived in a one-room apartment.
25:42And you know, Red over here is a very patriotic guy.
25:50His name is Red, his hair is white, and his material is blue.
25:57And George Kirby is an all-around entertainer.
26:00He sings, he dances, he does impressions.
26:03He's known in the business as the Black Sammy Davis Jr.
26:06And Red started out doing clubs as a dancer.
26:13Bet you didn't know Red was a dancer.
26:15He didn't know either until the crowd started shooting at his feet.
26:18Then there's Red's co-star.
26:25Red insisted that he play opposite a person that has special qualities.
26:29So they searched far and wide to get DeMond Wilson.
26:33It's hard to find a dull black man.
26:36Orson Welles, besides being a producer, director, writer,
27:02is also one of the most gifted Shakespearean actors ever to grace a stage.
27:10He has appeared in Hamlet, Macbeth, Othello,
27:13and soon he will appear in a new play based on
27:18the Carter Ford Presidential Debates,
27:22entitled, Much Ado About Nothing.
27:29Mr. Orson Welles.
27:43It's a rare pleasure indeed to do honor to the star of Sanford and Son,
27:47Lawanda Page.
27:47Is it, I wonder, widely known that Red Fox once aspired to the classics?
27:57Seriously, I wonder if that's known.
27:59I used to run the old Lafayette Theater up in Harlem.
28:01I really did, you know.
28:02And I directed classical plays with black cast,
28:04and I'll never forget the day Red Fox turned up to audition
28:07for the title role in Hamlet.
28:13I still have the text, his text.
28:15For yes, ladies and gentlemen, this Nubian nebbish
28:19had brightened up the bard's best material
28:23with some of the most fragrant idioms of the street.
28:26Shakespeare, in Red's hand, had not been exactly mastered.
28:31No, Shakespeare had been mugged.
28:34Here it is, slightly edited for television.
28:37To bleep.
28:38Or not to bleep.
28:43That is the bleeping question.
28:47Whether it is nobler to suffer being shafted in the bleep.
28:54Or to sling back the outrageous bleep they're slinging you,
28:56and by opposing the bleepers,
28:59bleep them all.
29:00Now, here is Red Fox's number one fighting protege,
29:18Kid Honky.
29:19Which one's the best fight?
29:37Red always bets on all my fights,
29:40and after I lost the last three,
29:42I asked him for a contract,
29:44and he said,
29:44Don't worry, kid.
29:46I already got one out on you.
29:49Red has me on a special diet.
29:57Mustard greens, hog jaws,
29:59pig knuckles,
30:00and black eyed peas.
30:02It has me to improve my boxing,
30:05but hell, I can dance ring around any one of the pips.
30:15Red helps me train,
30:16and he has his own ideas.
30:18We drink, and we smoke,
30:19and we play cards all night,
30:21and we run around with broads.
30:23I ain't never want to fight,
30:24but who the hell cares?
30:32Many years ago,
30:33Buddy Haggard and Phyllis Diller
30:35had a love affair,
30:36and they had a love child.
30:37I am that love child.
30:40I am that love child.
30:57Ladies and gentlemen,
30:57one of the best actresses on television,
31:00Miss Isabel Sanford.
31:02One thing I'll say about Red is
31:19he's never forgotten his poor boy beginnings.
31:22He has this lovely 20-room house
31:24with a private gate and a swimming pool,
31:27and he keeps the windows broken.
31:34Did you see the furniture?
31:36Authentic Louis XIV.
31:38And it all came from Louie's
31:40on 14th and Crenshaw.
31:45But Red's house is laid out beautifully.
31:48It has a nice flow.
31:51All the rooms lead
31:52into a central massage parlor.
31:59The wine he served
32:00was from his own private stock.
32:02Very rare.
32:02How often do you get a chance
32:04to drink industrial-strength Ripple?
32:20Mr. Joe Gargiola.
32:27I got a biography
32:34right here in front of me,
32:35and I want to read some things
32:37about Red Fox, okay?
32:38Yeah.
32:39It says,
32:39Red Fox,
32:40the television star
32:41and nightclub comedian,
32:43is just the same
32:44off the stage
32:45as he is on.
32:48Red always been known
32:50as a blue comedian,
32:52but he has promised
32:53the network
32:53he would clean up his act.
32:55He couldn't clean up that act
32:56with Tidy Bowl.
32:57Did you ever hear
33:00of the picture
33:01of the Dirty Dozen?
33:05Well, Red was seven of them.
33:10Listen, because of his material,
33:12the government had to come up
33:13with the Clean Air Act.
33:14Did you know that?
33:14Yeah.
33:15I just told you.
33:22Red Fox has recorded
33:2449 albums
33:25which have sold
33:2510 million copies.
33:26I think you got that wrong.
33:29Why?
33:29He recorded
33:3010 million albums
33:31and sold 49 copies.
33:36I got a statistic for you.
33:38Yeah?
33:39Red Fox has been
33:40making audiences laugh
33:42for 22 years.
33:43That's not so hot.
33:44He's been a comedian
33:45for 45 years.
33:47I've been a comedian
33:47for 45 years.
33:53Joe, there's your wife.
34:03Ladies and gentlemen,
34:05Ripsy Nussel.
34:06Since Red Fox came to NBC,
34:16they had to change the logo
34:17because so many black people
34:19followed him here
34:20that the peacock
34:20was turning to a crow.
34:26While we are thinking about
34:27his good fortune,
34:29let us not forget
34:30that the man has gone
34:31through the trauma
34:31of a terrible divorce.
34:34The judge...
34:35The judge said to him,
34:39he says,
34:39Mr. Fox,
34:40your wife said
34:41that you busted her lip,
34:43broke her nose
34:43and swelled up her eye
34:44and you say
34:45you didn't touch her.
34:47Red said,
34:47well, judge,
34:48who are you going to believe,
34:48me or this punch drunk broad?
34:52On Sunset Boulevard,
34:54a woman rushed up
34:55and grabbed and says,
34:56Mr. Fox,
34:57you should be ashamed
34:58of yourself
34:59coming out
34:59of that massage parlor.
35:02Red said,
35:02well, I've been in there
35:03all day, lady.
35:03I got to come out sometime.
35:11This man's talents
35:12have never been exploited.
35:14He is a highly versatile performer
35:16and has a great background.
35:17He works in so many rough situations
35:19that the day on a movie set
35:20when the director says,
35:21cut,
35:22Red reaches for his knife.
35:26No matter what you say,
35:27what is right
35:29and what is wrong.
35:31I asked him,
35:32he said,
35:32Lola Falada is right.
35:34Lawanda Page is wrong.
35:47Ladies and gentlemen,
35:49a great musical talent,
35:51Mr. Isaac Hayes.
35:53I want to admit
36:01I'm not a comedian,
36:01but what I'm going to lay
36:02on you people tonight
36:03is the truth.
36:04About 10 years ago,
36:05Red Fox called me
36:06and asked me
36:07to go on a tour with him.
36:09A personal appearance tour.
36:10He said I would
36:11see 25 cities
36:13in 25 days.
36:15Well,
36:15I was back then
36:16when Red wasn't known
36:17and I didn't see
36:1825 people
36:19in 25 days.
36:20The only way
36:24we started out
36:24on the bus
36:25the next day.
36:25Let's see.
36:26Now,
36:26that was Red,
36:27it was me,
36:28the 48 animals,
36:29I mean,
36:3048 girls
36:30and a 20-piece band.
36:35And man,
36:36Red packed
36:36more blacks
36:37under that roof
36:38than a white landlord.
36:43Red was driving
36:44and naturally
36:44we got lost
36:45the first night.
36:46Because when I woke
36:47up in the morning,
36:47the first thing
36:48I could see
36:48was this gang
36:49of rednecks.
36:50And when I say
36:51rednecks,
36:52man,
36:52I mean rednecks.
36:54They were Indians.
36:58I was scared.
36:59I said,
36:59Red,
36:59do something,
37:00man,
37:00do something.
37:01Red,
37:02we'll put on
37:03the show for them.
37:03They'll love it.
37:05Let me tell you
37:06how the Indians
37:06loved it.
37:07Before that show,
37:09I had the prettiest
37:11afro you ever seen.
37:16We ran out of money,
37:16he'd put a bus
37:17into some little town
37:18and yell out
37:18the window at the mayor.
37:19Hey,
37:20which way is the ghetto?
37:21And the mayor would say,
37:22we don't have a ghetto.
37:24And rednecks
37:25pointed to all the blacks
37:25on the bus.
37:26Well,
37:27you got one now.
37:39Ladies and gentlemen,
37:41the master of malice,
37:43Mr. Don Rickle.
37:46Hey,
37:54this is an exciting night,
37:55really,
37:55to see all these
37:56wonderful stars.
37:57LaWanda Page is here.
38:03LaWanda Page,
38:04a former girl
38:05that used to hang around
38:06downtown L.A.
38:07going,
38:07Officer?
38:07Case comes up
38:12Tuesday.
38:14She attacked
38:14a dead snail.
38:18Where are you
38:18sitting,
38:19LaWanda?
38:19Where's...
38:20Oh,
38:20there you are.
38:21When you get a group
38:22of you together,
38:23you never can tell
38:23who's who.
38:24I want to thank
38:31Marty Allen,
38:32who just came out
38:33from safari.
38:37Oh,
38:37Marty Allen,
38:38the one with the spear
38:39and the safari haircut.
38:41Good luck to you.
38:41Loan it to the black guys
38:42in case they have a
38:43luau.
38:50Slappy,
38:50good luck to you,
38:51really.
38:51And keep running
38:52in front of Red's car
38:53checking for grenades.
38:56That was a good one.
38:56That Dean,
38:57Dean just looked up
38:58and said,
38:58my underwear is on fire.
39:02Dean puts cigarettes
39:03out in his underwear
39:04and thinks it's an ashtray,
39:05but good luck to you.
39:08I'd like to say
39:09that also,
39:10he's here tonight,
39:11Mr. Television,
39:12one of the great stars,
39:13Milton Berle,
39:14who's been my idol,
39:15but I was in a state
39:16institution for many,
39:17many years.
39:23We also have
39:24a great,
39:25great man with us
39:26tonight,
39:26Joe Garagiola.
39:28You never can recognize
39:29him with that funny head
39:30and the catcher's mask
39:30on his face.
39:37One of the great
39:38catchers of all time,
39:39Joe Garagiola.
39:40A foul ball came back
39:41and he said,
39:42oh,
39:43oh.
39:47Nipsey Russell,
39:48ladies and gentlemen,
39:48as you can see,
39:49he's black.
39:50Ah,
39:50the reason you can,
39:51I've seen a lot of
39:53black dyes,
39:53Nipsey,
39:54but you're overdoing it.
39:58Who cares
39:59with Nipsey?
39:59And here's tonight
40:00is Isaac Hayes.
40:01I like you,
40:02Isaac,
40:02really,
40:03I have nothing against you,
40:03I don't listen to your music,
40:05I'm too busy at home
40:06listening to Yasha Heifetz
40:07and all the Jewish stars
40:08get together
40:09trying to figure out
40:09what you do.
40:11Abe Vigoda,
40:16one of the great
40:16detectives in
40:17Barney Miller.
40:18Good to see you,
40:19Abe.
40:19I spoke to the cemetery,
40:20they ran short of dirt
40:21so they'll bury you
40:22Tuesday.
40:27I certainly want to thank
40:28George Kirby.
40:30George,
40:30so good he got heavy again.
40:32George looks like
40:33a black beach ball.
40:37I've always liked George.
40:39He does Billy Eckstein,
40:40Pearl Bailey,
40:40Louis Armstrong,
40:41Joe Lewis,
40:42all the biggies,
40:42did a white guy once
40:43and bombed.
40:49And now,
40:50Isabel Sanford.
40:52Ah,
40:52what a night
40:53to have her on the dais.
40:54My goodness.
40:55Isabel,
40:55good to see you.
40:56When you get a minute,
40:57rinse the cups.
41:02Steve Allen,
41:03great talk show host.
41:04Steve,
41:05over here,
41:05Steve,
41:05his glasses
41:06are so thick
41:07that during the war
41:08with Japan,
41:08he was one of them.
41:13Steve is a great author
41:14and he's married
41:14to Jane Meadows.
41:15Sorry.
41:18Now,
41:18Jane Meadows
41:18is a lovely lady.
41:19I saw her out in the hall
41:21going,
41:21want an apple sailor?
41:24Marvelous lady.
41:25Good luck to you.
41:26I think you'll make
41:27a delightful couple.
41:27Stay with her.
41:28She'll be in the home
41:28by Friday.
41:29I'm Liz Torres,
41:32a Spanish lady
41:33and you'll see her
41:34very, very shortly
41:34in her new movie
41:35called Kiss My Muchachos.
41:40Jimmy Walker's here.
41:42Dynamite!
41:44He's a fantastic guy.
41:45He's in a show
41:45called Good Times
41:46which I never watch.
41:48Oh,
41:49I do.
41:49Once in a while,
41:49I use it for a nightlight
41:50when the wife and I
41:51want to play charades.
41:54I've always loved you,
41:55Jane.
41:55You're such a warm,
41:56wonderful guy.
41:57We've spent so many,
41:58spent so many hours
41:59together watching
42:00you go into a coma.
42:03Really, Dean,
42:04you're a fun guy.
42:04I spoke to Frank Sinatra
42:05Thursday and you will
42:07be found in a garage
42:08Wednesday.
42:11And so,
42:12last but not least,
42:14one of the great guys.
42:15You know,
42:16we make jokes about
42:17this man,
42:17Red Fox.
42:18The world does
42:19and he's being honored
42:20tonight and he deserves
42:21to be honored.
42:22For so many years,
42:23Red and I go back
42:23to the Slate Brothers
42:24in California
42:25and then when he had
42:25his own club
42:26which failed
42:26and then he had
42:27his own nightclub act
42:28which failed
42:29and then he did
42:30a couple other things
42:31which failed.
42:34To be honest,
42:35I don't know why
42:36I'm here.
42:36Red's a failure.
42:39Today,
42:40you won the
42:40marriage of Bo's
42:41Amateur Hour
42:42and now you're
42:43with DeMond Wilson
42:43as punishment.
42:48You're going to go
42:49to ABC,
42:50great network
42:50that one time
42:52was doing.
42:52I was on ABC
42:53many, many years ago
42:53myself and we failed
42:55because we had
42:55other shows
42:56opposite us.
42:58Red,
42:59sometimes you're
42:59bald,
43:00sometimes your
43:00hair is red.
43:01No matter how
43:01it comes out,
43:02you're a beautiful
43:03human being.
43:04I wish you luck.
43:05I wish you good
43:05things in life.
43:06You deserve them.
43:07Thank you for letting
43:07me be part of your
43:08show.
43:09You're a delightful
43:09man.
43:10There you are.
43:19You've been waiting
43:19for him.
43:20Mr. Red Fox.
43:25Again, I'd like to
43:42just tell you a story
43:43so I know I get
43:44one up front.
43:47It's a story about
43:48integration.
43:50More or less,
43:50it was a bus driver
43:51and he had a bus
43:53full of kids
43:54and they were
43:55all in the bus
43:56arguing about
43:56black and white,
43:57what was right
43:57and what was wrong,
43:58who was right
43:59and what was wrong
43:59and the bus driver
44:01just got fed up
44:02with all the
44:02conversation about
44:03black and white
44:03so he stopped
44:04the bus and
44:04told all the kids
44:05to get off
44:06and he walked
44:06outside with him
44:07and he said,
44:07look, I'm tired
44:08of all this
44:08bickering about race
44:09and who's right
44:11and who's wrong,
44:12who's rich and
44:12who's poor,
44:13who lives in the
44:13ghetto,
44:14who lives in the
44:14mansions.
44:15He said,
44:16from now on
44:17if you're going
44:17to ride this bus,
44:18everybody's green.
44:19You got it?
44:20everyone's green.
44:21He said,
44:21get on the bus.
44:22Dark greens in the
44:23back,
44:24light greens in the
44:24front.
44:38You guys
44:39sure worked me
44:40over tonight.
44:41I've heard
44:42Dean Martin
44:42saying nicer things
44:43about milk.
44:50Dean Martin
44:51made a special
44:51trip to be here
44:52tonight.
44:52He left the
44:53floor.
44:57And it's nice
44:58to see my friend
44:59Steve Allen here.
45:00Steve has done
45:01as much for comedy
45:02as Elizabeth Ray
45:03has done for typing.
45:08I'm glad
45:09Slappy White
45:09showed.
45:10Slappy thinks
45:11he's in big time
45:12tonight.
45:13Let me tell you
45:14something,
45:14Slappy.
45:15Being on a
45:15Dean Martin
45:16roast is as
45:17important as
45:18being a beauty
45:18mark on
45:19the Wanda Page.
45:22And Joe
45:23Garage.
45:31You are a
45:32credit to the
45:32game of
45:33baseball.
45:34Even though Joe
45:35is in television
45:36now, his first
45:36love is still
45:37baseball.
45:38I know because
45:38at 3 o'clock
45:39this morning,
45:40I saw him at a
45:41bar with a
45:41couple of bats.
45:42And Nixie,
45:49you look good
45:49tonight.
45:50I mean, I
45:51didn't know
45:52Fruit of the
45:52Loom made
45:53tuxedos.
45:58Nixie, I just
45:58heard they
45:59publish your
45:59book of poems.
46:01Makes me glad
46:02I can't read.
46:05I'm glad that
46:06Milton Berle is
46:07here.
46:07It's a shame
46:08he isn't on
46:09TV every
46:10week.
46:10Crab was
46:11going to give
46:11him a show
46:11of his own,
46:12but he
46:13aged before
46:13the cheese
46:14did.
46:20But a nice
46:21thing did
46:23happen to
46:24Milton last
46:24week.
46:25They made
46:26him honorary
46:26pin boy on
46:27celebrity bowling.
46:28And there's
46:33my old
46:33buddy,
46:33Marty Allen.
46:35I've seen
46:35afros before,
46:37but your hair
46:37looks like a
46:38pregnant haystack.
46:41And there's
46:41brother George
46:42Kirby.
46:43Really good
46:44buddy.
46:45George is a
46:45big favorite on
46:46television talk
46:47shows.
46:47That's because
46:48he can't make
46:49it on the
46:49joke shows.
46:54George is
46:54appearing at
46:55Las Vegas at
46:55The International,
46:56The International
46:57House of
46:58Pancakes.
47:05I'm honored to
47:06have Mr.
47:07Orson Welles
47:07here, though,
47:08and I mean
47:08that with great
47:09respect.
47:10I respect him
47:10because he
47:11always is
47:12reading books.
47:14The only book
47:14I ever read was
47:15one by Dr.
47:16David Rubin.
47:17Everything you
47:18always wanted to
47:19know about
47:19sex.
47:21But he left
47:22out the most
47:22important part,
47:23where to get
47:24it.
47:28And I want to
47:31thank my maid,
47:32Ms. Torres,
47:33for being here.
47:34I understand
47:35she's Puerto
47:35Rican.
47:36I once had a
47:36Puerto Rican
47:37working for me,
47:38who was my
47:38valet.
47:39He was very
47:39good at removing
47:40spots from my
47:41pants.
47:42Five spots,
47:43ten spots,
47:43twenty.
47:47I don't know
47:48much about
47:48Puerto Ricans.
47:49but I always
47:49thought Puerto
47:49Ricans were
47:50Mexicans with
47:50a job.
47:56We don't
47:59usually get stars
48:00with your
48:00caliber on
48:01these roads.
48:02I mean,
48:03but tonight we
48:03had to lower
48:04our standards.
48:09And Don
48:10Rickles,
48:11I mean,
48:11he's mean.
48:12I mean,
48:12he's real
48:13mean.
48:14Whenever he
48:15gets out to
48:15Disneyland,
48:16his favorite ride
48:16is the
48:17Tunnel of
48:17Hate.
48:19Don was at
48:22the dentist
48:22this morning.
48:23He was
48:23getting his
48:23fangs kept.
48:28I've got to
48:28excuse my
48:29friend,
48:29Isaac Hayes,
48:30for how he
48:31did tonight.
48:32You see,
48:33before Isaac
48:33got in the
48:33show business,
48:34he used to
48:34be a
48:35Roto-Rooter
48:35man.
48:37And he
48:38just can't
48:38shake the
48:39habit of
48:39going down
48:40the drain.
48:49And of
48:52course,
48:53there's
48:54Aunt Esther,
48:55Miss
48:56LaWanda
48:56Page.
48:573,000 manholes
48:59in this town
48:59and she
49:00had to drop
49:00in here.
49:08Listen,
49:09first time I
49:10met LaWanda
49:10was at a
49:11party and
49:11she came
49:12topless.
49:13Her upper
49:14plate fell
49:14out.
49:18You just
49:18said,
49:19LaWanda,
49:20you worked
49:20me over
49:20and I
49:21got some
49:21things to
49:21say about
49:22you.
49:23Get a
49:23load of
49:24that face.
49:26Looked
49:26like a
49:26wedding cake
49:27that was
49:27left out
49:27in the
49:28rain.
49:30She
49:30checked
49:31in the
49:31motel
49:31last night.
49:32They
49:33gave her
49:33a room
49:33with an
49:34ugly
49:34rest
49:34mattress.
49:39Oh,
49:40before I
49:40forget,
49:40I just
49:41want to
49:41say,
49:41I'm
49:41inviting
49:42everyone
49:42here on
49:43this
49:43and
49:44dears
49:44to
49:45dinner.
49:47Everyone
49:47except you,
49:48LaWanda,
49:49have some
49:50ribs
49:50sent up
49:51to your
49:51room.
49:53They'll
49:54be attached
49:54to Nipsey
49:55Russell.
50:06Good night,
50:06everyone,
50:07and thanks
50:08again,
50:08Dean,
50:08for this
50:09wonderful
50:09role
50:09of
50:10everything.
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