- 6 weeks ago
A comedy roast of entertainer Peter Marshall with Joey Bishop, Ed Bluestone, Foster Brooks, Red Buttons, Wayland Flowers and Madame, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Jackie Gayle, Paul Lynde, Rose Marie, Vincent Price, Rip Taylor, Jimmie Walker, Orson Welles and more.
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00:00The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel, in the entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.
00:24Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Ziegfeld Room, tonight's star-studded roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.
00:33They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in person, joining Dean Martin as he honors tonight's very special man of the hour, Peter Marshall.
00:45With tonight's guests...
01:15Foster Brooks, Ed Bluestone, your roast master, Dean Martin, and tonight's man of the hour, Peter Marshall.
01:27When they were looking for an emcee for Hollywood Squares, Peter was the perfect choice, because he's the biggest square in Hollywood.
01:49When he started on that show 11 years ago, he was a poor unknown.
01:54Now he's a rich unknown.
02:02But, in Peter's defense, I must say, his show is very popular.
02:07He spends all of his time hosting Hollywood Squares, and it's driving his family crazy.
02:12Every night when Peter is in bed, he turns to his wife and says,
02:16Remember, when you hear the buzzer, the game is over.
02:27Ladies and gentlemen, my good buddy, and he's going to do good, ain't he?
02:30Thank you, Dean.
02:44You're looking good.
02:45I haven't seen you in about a year.
02:47Eyes are nice and clear tonight.
02:49What are you drinking now, Windex?
02:50What has happened to the roast, Dean?
02:58Now, I remember when we honored guys.
03:00We honored guys like Frank Sinatra, Red Fox, Bob Hope.
03:05Who are we going to honor the next time?
03:06Mr. Whipple?
03:11I'm going to tell facts.
03:13You know, we don't know each other that well.
03:15We're friends.
03:15We're not that friendly.
03:16Like many people in show business, I eat out quite often.
03:20And in all those years and in all those restaurants, I take a note to God.
03:23I can honestly say not once did I ever hear anybody say,
03:27Let's eat fast so we can run home and watch Peter Marshall.
03:35Once I did hear a guy say,
03:37If we eat slow, we could miss Peter Marshall.
03:39I can understand my being here to honor you.
03:49We're like in the same category.
03:51Neither one of us are superstars.
03:53But Orson Welles,
03:54and I heard he's going to be here to honor you.
03:57I couldn't believe what I heard.
03:58And I approached Orson Welles.
04:00And I said,
04:01You are here on this roast for Peter Marshall.
04:04And I found out the reason he's here.
04:06All his life, he has wanted to meet Rip Taylor.
04:14The truth of the matter,
04:16this is not really a roast or a nun.
04:19This is a sympathy banquet.
04:26And he also,
04:27this is what you probably don't know,
04:29because when you're on daytime television,
04:30there's not too many sex overtones.
04:32This man,
04:33it's not conceit.
04:35You know what I mean?
04:35It's not like if you think she's a sex symbol.
04:38But I mean it.
04:39You know,
04:40and I don't want to destroy an illusion,
04:42you know.
04:42But I have seen you,
04:44you know,
04:44manipulated, right?
04:46I can tell you this from the bottom of my heart.
04:48You couldn't get lucky
04:49in a woman's prison
04:50with a fistful of pardons.
04:51Ladies and gentlemen,
05:05a fellow paisano,
05:11Rose Marie.
05:13I'm very,
05:25I'm very, very happy to be here
05:26on this roast for Peter Marshall,
05:28and I love being on Hollywood Squares,
05:30except for one thing.
05:32I mean,
05:33actually,
05:34every time I'm on Squares,
05:35nobody sees anything but
05:36here up,
05:37right?
05:39It's just like this, right?
05:40I mean,
05:41I could be nude down here
05:42and nobody would know anything.
05:44Only that,
05:45nobody would care.
05:47That way,
05:48you'd get a lot more laughs.
05:49No,
05:59but actually,
06:00I was a little reluctant
06:00in coming up here to Las Vegas
06:02because Peter said,
06:03you've got to come,
06:04Roe.
06:04You've just got to come with me.
06:05All expenses paid.
06:07And he was so right,
06:08and that's the way it worked out.
06:09After I paid his expenses,
06:11I had to come.
06:17But one thing
06:18that I've got to say about Peter
06:19that nobody knows.
06:20See how sharp he is?
06:21Always dressed so sharp.
06:22You always see him looking so sharp
06:23with the jacket
06:24and the tie
06:25on Hollywood Squares,
06:26right?
06:27Over here,
06:28blue jeans and sneakers.
06:31That's all.
06:32Sometimes,
06:32if he dresses up,
06:33he wears brown and white shoes.
06:35One of each.
06:41Oh,
06:41but I love him.
06:42And,
06:43and I'm very happy
06:44that I came up here
06:45to Las Vegas
06:45because the MGM Grand Hotel
06:47is absolutely fantastic.
06:48The service here,
06:49in case you didn't know,
06:50is just beautiful.
06:51They come in
06:52and they change the soap
06:53twice a day.
06:55Why are you using the shower?
06:58And I'll never forget
06:59the look on that
07:00Bellhop's face,
07:01boy,
07:01like he never saw
07:01a shower cap before.
07:07But actually,
07:08I'm up here
07:08for several reasons.
07:09I'm here,
07:10first of all,
07:10for Peter,
07:11and secondly,
07:13and most importantly,
07:14I'm up here
07:14looking for a guy.
07:20And I want you to know
07:21I gave it my best shot.
07:23I wore my new coat,
07:24expensive dress,
07:26exotic perfume,
07:27smell it.
07:29Right?
07:3085 bucks an ounce.
07:32And it's called
07:32Perhaps Later.
07:34All I can say
07:42is that for 85 bucks
07:44an ounce,
07:44it should be
07:45right now,
07:46folks.
07:46Thank you very,
07:54very much.
08:06My next guest
08:07is that marvelous
08:09comedian and actor,
08:10Red Button.
08:13You might think
08:14that being very short
08:15and very red-headed
08:16would be a disadvantage
08:17to an actor,
08:18not to Red.
08:19As a matter of fact,
08:20because of the way
08:21he looks,
08:22next year,
08:22Red is starring
08:23in his own TV series.
08:25It's called
08:26Little Fire Plug
08:27on the Prairie.
08:32Ladies and gentlemen,
08:34Mr. Red Button.
08:46Ladies and gentlemen,
08:47the Hollywood Squares
08:48is one of the biggest hits
08:49television has ever known.
08:52And so it's only fitting
08:53to pay tribute
08:55to a man
08:55whose charm,
08:57wit,
08:58charisma,
08:59and magnetic personality
09:01are responsible
09:02for all that fantastic success.
09:06but enough
09:12about Paul Lennon.
09:18Tonight we're honoring
09:20Peter Marshall.
09:21Why?
09:22Why are we giving
09:24this man a dinner
09:25when some of the biggest people
09:28in the history of the world
09:30never got a dinner?
09:32The bionic man
09:35who said to his wife,
09:39what do you mean
09:39fix the lamp?
09:40I am the lamp.
09:46The mayor of Hong Kong
09:48who said,
09:49can't work today.
09:51Have American flu.
09:55Never got a dinner.
09:58It's Chokwabin of Israel.
10:00Who said to Anwar Sadat of Egypt,
10:07no,
10:07I don't want to join
10:08a pyramid club.
10:14Mae West
10:15who said to King Kong,
10:19hey, big boy,
10:20would you like to monkey
10:21around a little bit?
10:27Never got a dinner.
10:28Henry Kissinger
10:30who said to his travel agent,
10:32you heard me,
10:33I said greyhound.
10:40James Cagney
10:41who said to Mickey Marsh,
10:42you dirty rat.
10:46Never got a dinner.
10:48Ben Hart
10:48who said to his sister,
10:52Ben him.
10:52You want to switch?
10:58And Ben him
11:11who said to Ben Hur,
11:13if I do,
11:13I'll be Ben Gay.
11:21Never!
11:21Never!
11:21Billy Carter, who said to his brother, Jimmy, can you get me on hee-haw?
11:39Still have got a dinner.
11:51Our next guest is Zsa Gabor.
11:56Oh, I know it's Zsa Zsa, but it's a long show and we've got to cut out something, you know.
12:02Zsa Zsa is a career wife.
12:04She made a career out of being a wife.
12:10However, she still has last year's husband.
12:13She doesn't know that the 77s are out.
12:19That's Zsa Zsa Gabor.
12:21Thank you, darling.
12:29What Dean means and says is absolutely true.
12:32I believe in marriage.
12:34I don't like casual affairs.
12:35With casual affairs, girls, you have to give back the diamond.
12:42Also, when a woman is married, she has an insurance.
12:46Every woman should get a piece of the rug and put it in a platinum setting.
12:51I can't help the way I feel.
12:57To a lot of Hungarian women, getting married is a profession.
13:01No, you're using the wrong word.
13:03It means business.
13:04Profession means business, Zsa Zsa.
13:06Darling, when a Hungarian woman goes after a man, that means business.
13:10But I don't depend on my marriages for a living.
13:18Once I was paid $100,000 for a book I wrote that was never published.
13:24I know who paid the hundred grand.
13:28The guy you wrote it about.
13:30Oh, that's right, Dean, darling.
13:33But you spelled your name wrong on the check.
13:35In personality, I always help my husbands.
13:46One husband who married me became a millionaire.
13:49Yeah, but he started out as a billionaire.
13:51There are lots of eligible men on this day, yes.
14:01Like Orson Welles.
14:03He make a wonderful husband.
14:05He's a great Shakespearean actor.
14:07His twelfth night was marvelous.
14:10Yeah, his twelfth night was marvelous,
14:12but his wife says the first 11 were nothing.
14:31So, as we leave the aisle...
14:34Oh, how'd all these people get in my room?
14:37This has been a wonderful...
14:42I really enjoy having Orson Welles on this show.
14:47Boy, because I like to listen to him speak,
14:50and I really mean it.
14:52They say that Orson has a voice like fine wine,
14:56and that's another reason I like him.
15:02Boy, he is the greatest in the whole world, Mr. Orson.
15:18Thank you, Dean.
15:19I must admit that I find myself fascinated by your voice.
15:25That unique tonal quality that starts in your diaphragm,
15:29works its way up through the thoracic cavity,
15:33onto the larynx, past the uvula,
15:37and finally out of your mouth.
15:41Certainly seems like a long way to travel for a hiccup.
15:44As for you, Peter, I've got to confess that I'm embarrassed.
15:56I fully intended to write my tribute to you last night,
16:00but Dean asked me to have dinner with him and a couple of his friends.
16:04One was a gentleman with a broken nose and a mustache,
16:07and the other had a normal nose and a broken mustache.
16:12After dinner, we had a few drinks,
16:14and Dean insisted that we just have one more for the road,
16:16and if you know Dean, his road is US-1 nonstop.
16:25A gentleman stopped by for a chat of Mr. Knuckles from Detroit.
16:30Dean told me he was in the cement shoe business.
16:38I mean, Mr. Shell is in a dilemma.
16:41Either go up, write a glowing tribute to you,
16:43or remain there and talk to these fascinating friends of Dean's.
16:48I found Knuckles perfectly charming,
16:51and an hour later I started my room,
16:53and would you believe it?
16:55As I passed by the craft tables,
16:57a man grabbed me and said,
16:58I looked lucky.
17:00He offered me a $5 chip to stand beside him
17:03whenever he rolled the dice,
17:04and there I was in another dilemma.
17:06Go up and write the speech for you,
17:08or stand beside some superstitious gambler
17:10for a paltry $5 chip.
17:12It's amazing how they stack up
17:14when a man is on a hot roll.
17:17By this time, I was guilt-ridden
17:19and was heading for my room
17:20when I ran into Dean again.
17:22Actually, I tripped over him.
17:24And Dean suggested we go
17:26to see the midnight show in the hotel.
17:28It was the same old dilemma, Peter.
17:31Write your tribute,
17:32or watch 50 semi-nude girls
17:34cavorting around a stage.
17:36Not an easy decision to make.
17:39But I forced myself to go with Dean.
17:41All this led me to,
17:43about an hour later,
17:44when I was about to walk into my room,
17:46luckily a maid stopped me
17:47and asked me if I'd help her to make the bed.
17:49Peter, it was the big D time again.
17:51Do your tribute or assist a hotel maid
17:54in her rather routine labors.
17:56Peter, I can't tell you
17:58how proud I was of my hospital corners.
18:06Well, that brings me to this moment.
18:08All I have is the title of my speech.
18:11Who is Peter Marshall?
18:13Ladies and gentlemen,
18:28Rippy Taylor.
18:29Rippy Taylor.
18:38Is it on?
18:41I don't dance.
18:50This is it for me, kids.
18:53I'm Jimmy Carter.
18:54Now Dean drinks a new drink
18:55with martinis with peanuts in it.
18:58Am I going too fast?
19:02Just a second.
19:03Gifts for everybody this evening.
19:04Just a minute.
19:05Oh, you're going to get it.
19:06Just stop it.
19:11Dean and I were drinking last night
19:13so much he made me
19:14the Captain Six Pack
19:15of the year today.
19:19Hello.
19:22Hello.
19:26I got gifts for everybody.
19:28Can I gifts for everybody?
19:28For Vincent Price
19:29who played in the motion picture
19:30of The Fly.
19:32Vinny, your man is open.
19:33That's for Zsa Zsa Gabor.
19:44A drip dry wedding veil.
19:45I got that now with Zsa.
19:53Zsa Zsa's leaving early tonight.
19:54Her friends are giving her
19:55a surprise wedding.
20:04We all have our hang-ups.
20:07That's great place
20:08I'm nervous.
20:08Rose Marie looking for a man
20:09all the time.
20:10Here you are, Rose.
20:13What else about it?
20:13Mickey Rooney's all kidding.
20:15Now wait a second.
20:17I met my ex-wife
20:19outside in the lobby.
20:20She said she wanted
20:21a fine car.
20:21I bought her a rickshaw
20:22on the barracuda.
20:23I don't like it.
20:25They all change.
20:26She said she had a facelift.
20:28Facelift?
20:28Whenever she sat down
20:29her mouth snapped shut.
20:31Facelift?
20:34The real reason I'm here
20:36is because I want to get back
20:37on Hollywood Squares.
20:38I really do.
20:39Now I can answer
20:39all those dumb questions
20:40so here, Peter,
20:41read these to me right now
20:42and I'll give you all the info
20:43and then I'll be back
20:44on the show real fast.
20:44All right.
20:45You ready?
20:45Thank you so much.
20:46You ready for me to read?
20:46They're written in braille
20:47so you can see it.
20:47Go ahead.
20:48All right.
20:49Rip, say Rip,
20:50what is yellow
20:51and wears a mask?
20:52The Lone Lemon.
20:55I was just teasing.
20:57Look at all your names.
20:58Yeah, now, Rip.
21:00You got more
21:00laughter and acupuncture
21:02for goodness sake.
21:02That's good.
21:03Yeah.
21:03What rings the doorbell
21:05and then knocks
21:06the door in?
21:07An Avon Gorilla.
21:10Hello?
21:10Keep that one.
21:11This side.
21:12Churps is my life.
21:14All right.
21:15You ready to
21:16start questioning?
21:16Yes, go ahead.
21:17Quick.
21:17Why do women
21:18live longer than men?
21:19That's easy
21:20because they're not
21:20married to women.
21:22They're coming
21:23towards me again.
21:29I've got a final
21:30present from Peter
21:31because he's a very
21:32dear friend of mine
21:32and thank you
21:33for having me here.
21:33This is King Kong's Q-Tip.
21:35Thank you very much.
21:36Our next guest is an epicure.
21:55None of you know what that means,
21:58you know.
21:59An art critic
22:01and a kind of sewer.
22:05A kind of sewer?
22:07No, a connoisseur.
22:14Mr. Vincent Price.
22:15Thank you, Dean.
22:26It's indeed a pleasure
22:27for me to be on this
22:28dais.
22:30And I hope
22:31you all appreciate it.
22:36What a dais.
22:37I never knew
22:38I had so many inferiors.
22:40What a group.
22:43Completely
22:44devoid of culture.
22:46They have no
22:47savoir fare
22:48and I doubt
22:49if they even have
22:50bus fare.
22:52Now, you take
22:52Jimmy Walker.
22:54Why, you'd hardly
22:54call him a dilettante,
22:56really.
22:56Just look at him, huh?
22:57He shampoos his hair
22:59with woolite.
23:00His measurements
23:03are 36, 22, 36
23:05and those are
23:06just his lips.
23:11You know,
23:12when I agreed
23:13to come here tonight,
23:14they assured me
23:15that I would be
23:15amongst my peers.
23:17Some peers
23:18I seem to have
23:20wound up
23:20down at the docks.
23:22Have you ever seen
23:23so many cultural
23:24dropouts in your life?
23:25I mean, really, truly.
23:26I don't think
23:27anybody here
23:28has any feeling
23:28for music,
23:29literature,
23:30for Shakespeare.
23:32I dare say
23:33nobody here
23:33can interpret
23:34the immortal words
23:35to be
23:36or not to be.
23:38I know
23:39to be
23:39or not to be
23:40that's somebody
23:42trying to make up
23:43his mind
23:43about a sex change
23:44operation.
23:52Any way you decide
23:53will be an improvement.
23:54how many of you
24:00are acquainted
24:00with the deathless poem
24:02of Elizabeth Barrett
24:03Browning,
24:04How do I love thee?
24:06Let me count the ways.
24:08At your age,
24:09there ain't too many
24:09left, baby.
24:10No.
24:16Why are we honoring
24:18a clod?
24:19Can you tell me?
24:20You know,
24:21I mean,
24:21who knows nothing
24:23about the art
24:24of the bubbly,
24:25about champagne?
24:27I doubt if he even
24:28knows the difference
24:28between red wine
24:30and white wine.
24:31There is no difference.
24:32I fall down
24:33from both.
24:39In closing,
24:40I'd just like to say
24:40one thing, Peter.
24:42One thing.
24:43Now that you're a star,
24:44you should acquire
24:45an appreciation
24:46of art,
24:47like me.
24:48I see beauty
24:49everywhere.
24:49To me,
24:50an antique chair
24:51is exciting.
24:52A petit point
24:53tapestry
24:54is thrilling.
24:55A renaissance table
24:56makes me quiver
24:58with ecstasy.
24:59You must have
25:00a crazy mixed-up
25:01love life, baby.
25:09Isn't everybody...
25:11Oh, by the way,
25:11Peter,
25:12I saw your
25:13Las Vegas act,
25:14and you definitely
25:14they have a future
25:16in nightclubs.
25:18Yes, another day
25:19or two at the most.
25:30We're going to love
25:31our next young lady.
25:36She's the beautiful actress
25:37and television star
25:39who won an Emmy
25:40on the show
25:41Room 2-2-2.
25:44Ladies and gentlemen,
25:46the darling
25:47of Hollywood Squares,
25:48Miss Karen Valentine.
25:52Karen Valentine.
26:00Thank you, Dink.
26:03Well, we can tell
26:04who the secret square
26:05is tonight.
26:06You're lit.
26:07You know,
26:10I'm surprised
26:11you remember me
26:12from Room 222.
26:13Oh, yeah,
26:14I remember the room.
26:15It's the motel
26:16I keep forgetting.
26:21I'm really glad
26:22you're kidding
26:22because, you know,
26:23my mother's watching.
26:25She's been looking
26:26forward to this.
26:27But she thought
26:28we were honoring
26:29E.G. Marshall.
26:33Sorry, Peter.
26:34But she doesn't
26:35really like
26:35Hollywood Squares.
26:37She thinks
26:38it's very, very
26:39racy
26:40and suggestive.
26:42She's right.
26:44You know,
26:44every time I think
26:45I've learned
26:46the facts of life,
26:48Paul Lynn
26:48comes up
26:49with another one.
26:53One time,
26:54he made a crack.
26:55So terrible,
26:56so dirty,
26:57that Charo blushed.
26:58She turned red
27:01and she was speechless
27:02for about 10 minutes.
27:04That was a first.
27:07And when her voice
27:08came back,
27:09it was in
27:09perfect English.
27:15We could understand her,
27:16but she didn't know
27:17what the hell
27:17she was talking about.
27:22And Hollywood Squares
27:23is really rough
27:24on a girl.
27:25Boy, you've got to
27:26watch the guys
27:26every minute.
27:27Last week,
27:29I kept getting
27:30pinched
27:30by George Goble.
27:32And he was sitting
27:33two squares away
27:34and in another row.
27:37But I have to say,
27:38Vincent Price,
27:40he is always
27:41a gentleman.
27:43He is.
27:45Well, you know,
27:46he's done so many
27:46horror movies,
27:47he just crawls
27:48into his box
27:49and lies down.
27:49really, Peter,
27:58I do admire you.
28:00Very much.
28:01You know,
28:0211 years
28:03on Hollywood Squares
28:04and he never
28:06gets tired
28:07of doing the show.
28:08He still comes
28:09into the studio
28:10two hours early
28:11to relearn the rules
28:13and to rehearse
28:14his ad-libs.
28:14But his famous smile,
28:19he doesn't have
28:19to rehearse that.
28:20Uh-uh.
28:21You know,
28:22that smile comes
28:23from his warmth
28:24and his love of life
28:25and his overbite.
28:28And I'm being tactful.
28:30Paul Lynn always
28:31calls him
28:31Beaver Face.
28:32Hey, you know,
28:47we got a new comedian
28:49on the desk here,
28:51Ed Brewstone.
28:53Ed is what people
28:54call a rising star.
28:56And if you want
28:57to see a falling star,
28:59meet me at the bar
29:00after the show.
29:02Ladies and gentlemen,
29:06the great
29:07young funny man,
29:08Ed Brewstone.
29:20I was thrilled
29:21to be invited here.
29:21It's a great privilege
29:22to honor Peter Marshall.
29:24Peter's career
29:25began 25 years ago
29:27when a high school
29:28guidance counselor
29:29told him that
29:29the only thing
29:30he was capable of doing
29:31was playing tic-tac-toe.
29:35Peter's an extraordinary man.
29:36He's the only host
29:37on television
29:38who needs nine co-hosts
29:40to make his show amusing.
29:46It was never easy
29:47for Peter Marshall.
29:48He started out
29:49as a singer.
29:50He became known
29:51as a guy
29:52who sang from the heart,
29:53which is very necessary
29:55when you haven't
29:55got a voice.
29:59Now those years
30:00of struggle
30:01are paying off.
30:02In fact,
30:02this hotel wants
30:03Peter to sing
30:04in the lounge.
30:05Now he's waiting
30:06to find out
30:07if it's the men's
30:07or the women's.
30:12We've all been
30:13so excited
30:14about roasting Peter
30:15that last night
30:16Dean threw a party
30:17for everyone.
30:19Dean was so drunk
30:19he thought he was
30:20Zsa Zsa's
30:21first four husbands.
30:27Dean gets like that.
30:28There's a famous story
30:29about Dean.
30:29He was once
30:30stopped by a cop
30:31while he was driving.
30:32And when the cop
30:33asked Dean
30:33to blow up a balloon
30:34Dean said,
30:36not only will I
30:36blow up your balloon
30:37I'll buy you ice cream.
30:47Vincent's always
30:47experimenting
30:48in the kitchen.
30:50I remember once
30:51I was working
30:51in Florida
30:52I sent Vincent
30:53two baby alligators
30:54as a gift.
30:55He threw them
30:56in a blender
30:57and tried to make
30:57Gatorade.
31:02Zsa Zsa's known
31:03for her wonderful
31:04acting ability
31:05and legendary
31:06generosity.
31:07She's been feeding
31:08the poor people
31:08of Hungary
31:09for years.
31:10She keeps sending
31:11them her wedding cakes.
31:18And if it weren't
31:19for Peter Marshall
31:20we would not be
31:22roasting one of
31:22the nicest guys
31:23I know
31:24and I'd like to
31:25thank Peter
31:25for being such
31:26a good sport
31:27and thank all of you.
31:32Peter, I don't think
31:39you've seen this man
31:40since he
31:40you know
31:42retired from NBC.
31:44The former
31:45vice president
31:46and the executive
31:47who created
31:48Hollywood Square.
31:50Ladies and gentlemen
31:51Mr.
31:52Toddson
31:53Quigley.
32:02One nice thing
32:18about being retired
32:19one nice thing
32:22about being retired
32:23you've got time
32:24for foolishness
32:25like this.
32:26I must admit
32:29Peter Mahog
32:31Peter
32:31Peter
32:34Mahog
32:39Our guest tonight
32:43has been
32:45has been
32:46an entertainer
32:47for 30 years.
32:49He's made
32:50nightclub appearances
32:52he's made
32:53Broadway shows
32:54he's made
32:56hundreds of
32:56TV programs
32:58and several
32:59housewives
33:00who were
33:00contestants
33:01on his program.
33:08And it's
33:09truly remarkable
33:10through all this
33:11his time
33:12is still ticking.
33:17And some
33:18of those
33:18housewives
33:19say that's
33:20about the
33:20only thing
33:20he has
33:21still ticking.
33:24A hit game
33:31show
33:31must have
33:32something
33:33for everyone.
33:36Uh
33:36adults
33:37children
33:38degenerate
33:42pervert
33:46and network
33:49censored.
33:51Oh
33:51I mentioned
33:52them.
33:52in the
34:02earth
34:03at the
34:08start
34:09of game
34:11shows
34:12the prizes
34:13weren't anything
34:13to shout about.
34:15There were no
34:15furs
34:16no cars
34:17no cars
34:18no free
34:19vacations.
34:20the biggest
34:21prize we
34:21ever gave
34:22was a
34:23halfway
34:24trip
34:24around
34:25the
34:25world.
34:27That poor
34:28woman is still
34:29in Bangkok
34:30trying to get
34:31on a game
34:31show.
34:33Went her way
34:33back home.
34:40I just noticed
34:42you know
34:42when you
34:42smile
34:43you have
34:44a very
34:45pretty
34:45feet.
34:47Most
34:48Hollywood
34:48actors
34:48have
34:49their
34:49teeth
34:49capped.
34:50He
34:50has
34:50his
34:51corked.
34:51I don't
34:59know
34:59how many
35:00of you
35:01had the
35:02pleasure
35:02of missing
35:03Peter's
35:04nightclub act.
35:07But I can
35:07tell you
35:08when he
35:08sings
35:09that
35:09that
35:10also
35:11is a
35:11game.
35:13He's
35:13off key
35:14so much
35:15the audience
35:15has to play
35:16name that
35:17tune.
35:17All his
35:20life
35:20Peter Marshall
35:21has loved
35:22to play
35:22games.
35:24On his
35:24honeymoon
35:24his wife
35:25had to
35:25wear a
35:26nightie
35:26mark
35:27door number
35:28three.
35:33But
35:33seriously
35:35Peter Marshall
35:37is handsome.
35:39He has
35:39sex
35:39appeal
35:42and above
35:43all
35:44he's honest
35:45and everybody
35:46loves him.
35:48That's not
35:49only my
35:50opinion
35:50it's his
35:52too.
36:14Here's
36:14that
36:15telling
36:15the
36:15new
36:15comedian
36:16from the
36:17good
36:17time
36:17show.
36:18Now
36:18I've
36:19seen
36:19thin
36:19guys
36:20but
36:20he
36:20looks
36:20like
36:21a
36:21prematurely
36:22born
36:23tootsie
36:23roll.
36:27Ladies
36:28gentlemen
36:28here he is
36:29Freddie Walker.
36:31Jimmy Walker.
36:39Until
36:40Peter
36:40got his
36:41own
36:41game
36:41show
36:42he was
36:42Hollywood's
36:43most
36:43secret
36:44square.
36:46he said
36:50he said
36:50some
36:50day
36:51he liked
36:51to switch
36:52and be
36:52seated
36:52in a
36:53square.
36:53Then he
36:54was reminded
36:54they're only
36:55reserved for
36:56celebrities.
37:02Peter really likes
37:03being recognized
37:04on the street
37:04though.
37:05Fans
37:05come right up
37:06to him
37:06and ask
37:06him for
37:07Paul
37:07Lynn's
37:07autograph.
37:08Peter is
37:14a great
37:14host.
37:15He always
37:15tries to
37:16put the
37:16celebrities
37:16at ease.
37:17Like once
37:18Jar Jar
37:18Cabal was
37:19having a
37:19hard time
37:20coming up
37:20with an
37:20answer.
37:21Peter said
37:22just say
37:22the first
37:23thing that
37:23pops into
37:23your mind.
37:25Jar Jar
37:25said
37:25I do.
37:32He asked
37:33Vincent Price
37:33to be on
37:34this variety
37:34show.
37:35Vincent said
37:35he was
37:36through
37:36doing
37:36horror
37:37shows.
37:41Dr. Spock
37:42won't be
37:43on the
37:43show.
37:44He said
37:44the show
37:44was too
37:45childish.
37:49And
37:50Henry Block
37:51of H&R
37:52Block
37:52said he
37:53had 17
37:53reasons
37:54why he
37:55wouldn't
37:55do the
37:55show.
38:06And here
38:12from Los
38:13Angeles
38:13is the
38:14cab driver
38:15who often
38:15takes
38:16Peter
38:16to and
38:18from this
38:19show.
38:20Ladies and
38:20gentlemen,
38:21Mr. Harry
38:22Butt-Off.
38:23nice to
38:31see my
38:31driving
38:32teacher
38:32here,
38:32Foster
38:33Brooks.
38:37I had a
38:38choice of
38:38driving a
38:39cabin
38:39Guam
38:40coming
38:40here and
38:40I had
38:41to think
38:41about it.
38:44It's
38:44terrific to
38:45be here to
38:46honor a
38:46Ted
38:46Mac
38:46loser.
38:50I go
38:51back to
38:51Peter when
38:52he first
38:52started as
38:53a singer.
38:53He sang
38:53at a
38:54veteran's
38:54hospital.
38:55He sang
38:55for an
38:56old
38:56soldier
38:56for over
38:57an hour.
38:58Then he
38:58said to
38:58him,
38:59I hope
38:59you get
38:59better.
39:00The old
39:00man said
39:01you too.
39:08Mr. Price,
39:08I always
39:09feel like
39:09you're going
39:09to play
39:09the organ
39:10while the
39:10curtains are
39:11burning.
39:20It's
39:21right to
39:21see
39:21Foster
39:21almost
39:22here.
39:24Just
39:24because you
39:24have red
39:25eyes don't
39:25mean you're
39:26a drunk.
39:26You could
39:27be a
39:27white
39:27rabbit.
39:34How can
39:34you forget
39:35red buttons?
39:35He gave
39:35me five
39:36Indian
39:36pennies
39:36for a
39:37tip.
39:38Look at
39:38red hair,
39:39natural,
39:39except for
39:40the color.
39:43I love
39:44this man.
39:44Sayonara,
39:45the man got
39:45the Academy
39:46award for
39:46that.
39:47He had the
39:47right idea
39:47of marrying
39:48a Japanese
39:48girl.
39:49Of course,
39:49their faithful,
39:50delegate,
39:50your mother-in-law
39:51lives in
39:51Tokyo.
40:00Peter, I saw
40:00your new show
40:01and I want to
40:02tell you
40:02something.
40:02Is there no
40:03beginning to
40:04your talent?
40:09Peter, I want
40:10to say something.
40:10You're an
40:11inspiration to a
40:11lot of guys,
40:12especially me.
40:13After seeing what
40:13you've done with
40:14your career for
40:1420 years, I
40:15don't mind
40:16driving a cab.
40:17Thank you very
40:17much.
40:24Jackie Gale.
40:25Hey,
40:26Jackie Gale.
40:30We are
40:31with us
40:32tonight, a
40:34bright young
40:35entertainer, whom
40:36I'm sure you've
40:38all seen many
40:39times on the
40:40Hollywood
40:40squares.
40:42His name
40:45is Waylon
40:47Flower, and
40:48he's brought
40:49along his
40:50crazy creation,
40:52a lady he
40:53calls Madam.
40:57Sit down,
40:58sit down,
40:59sit down,
41:00sit down.
41:00Where's my
41:01bucket?
41:01Get my
41:02bucket.
41:04Oh, good.
41:06It's an ice
41:07bucket.
41:07I hope it'll
41:08leave the ice
41:08in it.
41:09Keep my
41:11buns warm.
41:17Good evening,
41:18everybody.
41:18My name is
41:19Madam, and I'm
41:20an alcoholic.
41:28Well,
41:29look at this
41:30one.
41:30Come on,
41:31big boy,
41:31get it on.
41:32Give me some
41:32of that amore
41:33you've been
41:33promising me
41:34all these
41:34years.
41:35Adam,
41:37you're a
41:37doll.
41:38I may be
41:38a doll,
41:39but I
41:39ain't no
41:39dummy.
41:44Oh,
41:45come on and
41:45pucker up,
41:46Kaiza.
41:46I'm blowing
41:46my ear.
41:47Oh,
41:48don't hold
41:49back,
41:49sweetheart.
41:50You know,
41:50you could be
41:50my last
41:51great love,
41:52and the
41:52shape he's
41:53in,
41:53I could
41:53be his.
42:00You know,
42:01this is the
42:01third turkey
42:02I've roasted
42:03this season.
42:05And it's
42:05not even a
42:06holiday.
42:08I just
42:09realized all
42:09the times I've
42:10been on
42:10Hollywood
42:10squares,
42:11it's always
42:11been me
42:12sitting in
42:12the wine
42:13rack.
42:14And you
42:14down in
42:14that great
42:15big chair.
42:16This is the
42:17first chance
42:17I've ever
42:18had to get
42:18a close
42:19look at
42:19you.
42:20And you
42:21know what?
42:21What?
42:21You're just
42:22as I thought.
42:23What?
42:23Clean cut,
42:25honest,
42:26and dull.
42:26Oh,
42:27ladies and
42:40gentlemen,
42:40the
42:41sharpest
42:41of
42:42Hollywood
42:42squares,
42:44the
42:44irrepressible
42:46Paul
42:46Lind.
42:47I really
43:02fussed for
43:02you,
43:02beaver face.
43:07Thank you,
43:08Dean,
43:08from the way
43:09you're acting
43:09up here.
43:10You're going
43:11to have to do
43:11something about
43:11your drinking.
43:13It's just
43:13booze,
43:14booze,
43:15booze.
43:16It's
43:17disgusting.
43:19Can you
43:19believe this,
43:20ladies and
43:20gentlemen,
43:20it's not
43:21enough that
43:21they have
43:21all these
43:21bars and
43:22cocktail
43:22lounges
43:23all over
43:23town.
43:24Dean went
43:25to a
43:25swine flu
43:26vaccination
43:26clinic
43:27because they
43:28heard they
43:28were giving
43:29away free
43:29shots.
43:36It's a
43:36great pleasure
43:37for me to
43:37be here to
43:38honor Peter.
43:39As you know,
43:40folks,
43:40he and I have
43:41been on
43:41Hollywood
43:41squares.
43:42Together for
43:43a long time.
43:44I'll tell you
43:45how long.
43:46When we
43:46started working
43:47together,
43:47Karen Valentine
43:48was still
43:48on soft
43:49foods.
43:54That's why,
43:55because of
43:55our long
43:56association,
43:57I'm incensed
43:58at the barrage
43:59of remarks
44:00that have
44:00been hurled
44:00at Peter
44:01this evening.
44:02They've been
44:02vicious,
44:04they've been
44:05obnoxious,
44:06and they've
44:07been hilarious.
44:08I happen
44:15to know
44:16Peter's a
44:16brilliant
44:16conversationalist.
44:18I was
44:18with him
44:19at a
44:19very posh
44:19party in
44:20Beverly Hills,
44:21and I saw
44:21Peter go
44:22right up to
44:22Henry Kissinger
44:23and say,
44:24how are you,
44:24Henry?
44:25And Mr.
44:25Kissinger said,
44:26I'm fine.
44:27And Peter
44:27said,
44:27that's right,
44:28X gets the
44:28square.
44:29I just
44:37can't stand
44:39the way
44:39Peter's
44:40singing and
44:41dancing have
44:41been maligned.
44:43Why,
44:43when he sings
44:43that Mother
44:44McCree,
44:45I cry.
44:46It's that
44:47bad.
44:49Before I go,
44:50Peter,
44:50I just want
44:51to tell you
44:51something.
44:52Everybody's
44:53been putting
44:53you down
44:54tonight,
44:54and of course
44:55they really
44:56don't mean
44:56it.
44:57I do.
44:59Jack Carter
45:10has just
45:13returned from
45:14Florida
45:14after a long
45:15run.
45:16He missed
45:17the bus.
45:20Here he is,
45:20ladies and
45:21gentlemen.
45:22I love him,
45:24and you're
45:24going to love
45:24him.
45:24Mr. Jack
45:25Carter.
45:29Strange how
45:36all these
45:37game show
45:37hosts and
45:38announcers all
45:39want to be
45:40entertainers.
45:40They all want
45:41to do variety
45:41and sing and
45:43dance.
45:43Peter, why
45:44don't you be
45:44content with
45:45what you are?
45:46Nothing.
45:47Just a lucky
45:49usher.
45:49But this is
45:53really a weird
45:53evening.
45:54I think this
45:55whole night
45:55came from
45:55Vincent Price's
45:56Wax Museum.
45:58Good to see
45:58you, Vince.
45:59I didn't
45:59recognize you.
46:00Sitting up
46:01after five o'clock,
46:01usually you're
46:02dead by now.
46:07And Georgia,
46:08whom I've been
46:09sitting next to
46:09all night,
46:10hearing things
46:11as,
46:11what did he
46:11say,
46:12darling?
46:12I can't
46:12hear them
46:13voice.
46:13What's going
46:14on?
46:14What a pity
46:18that some of
46:18the great
46:19old MGM
46:19stars like
46:20Clark Gable
46:21couldn't have
46:21been here
46:22tonight.
46:23He'd have
46:23been marvelous
46:23just saying,
46:24yeah,
46:24great to be
46:25here.
46:25Great to be
46:26here with
46:26old Tito,
46:27my old
46:27pally
46:28drinking
46:28buddy.
46:29Frankly,
46:29Scarlett,
46:30I don't
46:30give it
46:30that.
46:38Not bad.
46:39If you were
46:39doing Mickey
46:40Rooney,
46:40that would
46:40be nice.
46:41And how
46:42about Richard
46:42Burton,
46:43star of
46:43stage,
46:44screen,
46:44and booze?
46:45Oh,
46:46is somebody
46:46paging me?
46:53I can't
46:53conceive of
46:54a man of
46:55your dimension,
46:56your intellect,
46:56coming to
46:57your own
46:57testimonial,
46:58dressed in
46:59such an
46:59ill-fitting
47:00tuxedo.
47:01You should
47:01get a new
47:02tailor.
47:03This tailor
47:04got a new
47:04him.
47:09And then,
47:10of course,
47:10the great
47:12Winston Churchill
47:12might have
47:13enjoyed this
47:13evening much
47:14better than
47:15I.
47:16Had he been
47:16here to say,
47:17Ash,
47:18knowing that
47:19Peter is an
47:20American,
47:21truly makes
47:22this England's
47:23finest hour.
47:25And as I look
47:26about at this
47:27disgusting evening
47:28tonight,
47:29I can only say
47:30one thing,
47:30never have so
47:32many said so
47:34much about a
47:34man who
47:35deserves so
47:36little
47:37little curious.
47:37A lot of people want to know if that's really the color
48:07of Dean's hair. Well, all I know is the last time Dean went for a swim in the ocean,
48:1150,000 tuna fish were washed on shore with Grecian formula poisoning.
48:20Vincent, as you know, is a renowned collector. He collects art, he collects sculpture, and
48:24if it weren't for my show, he'd be collecting unemployment. And many of you wonder why Rose
48:32Marie, my lovely friend, Rose Marie doesn't use her last name. Well, her parents and
48:37assistant on it. And you either hate Paul Lind or you love him. I happen to love him.
48:47Counting Paul, that makes two of us. Paul's had three television series and they've all
48:52been canceled, which shows you that the public has taste after all.
48:59Rip is very depressed. Oh, poor baby. Very depressed. He just got turned down as a regular
49:04on Sesame Street. They said his material was too immature.
49:14And we're lucky to have Jaja with us tonight. She's between honeymoons.
49:20And red buttons are still working. Who says people in show business aren't charitable?
49:24And they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I don't know if you're aware
49:34of this, Jack Carter, but in all of show business, there's not one person doing an imitation of
49:38you.
49:43And I want to thank Jackie Gale for appearing here this evening.
49:46You know, he received some very, very bad news later. I mean, a little earlier. And he showed
49:52up anyway. You see, they found traces of freshness in his act.
50:02But all in all, being a mental masochist, I really enjoyed this evening. And my dear friends
50:08on the dais and Dean, I thank you for one of the fun evenings of my life. Thank you very much.
50:11Thank you very much.
50:14Thank you very much.
50:41Thank you very much.
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