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Dean Martin Celebrity Roast - Zsa Zsa Gabor
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00:00The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.
00:23Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight's star-studded roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.
00:33They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in person.
00:40The Woman of the Week
00:45Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.
00:47And tonight's very special Woman of the Week is Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa.
01:10Well, tonight, we salute Zsa Zsa, the most famous of the Gabor sisters.
01:17You all know the Gabor sisters, the original gold diggers.
01:23Poor Zsa Zsa, she never had a childhood.
01:26She went right from kindergarten to the marriage bureau.
01:31She's been married so many times, she's got Uncle Ben on a retainer.
01:35We got so many wedding rings, wedding rings on her finger when I kissed her hand tonight.
01:41I thought I was kissing a package of lifesavers.
01:45Doesn't Zsa Zsa look great?
01:47It's a wonder she's alive, after all the blood tests she's taken for marriage licenses.
01:52I love your breast, but too much cleavage.
01:56I thought your life seems like that.
01:57I know, it looks like the golden arches over McDonald's.
02:05But I'm sure everyone will agree that Zsa Zsa is quite a woman.
02:10They even published a book about her life, but the author wasn't the first one to capture her between covers.
02:18Men have always found her irresistible.
02:22The very first time Conrad Hilton met Zsa Zsa, he proposed.
02:26The second time, he proposed marriage.
02:28That's true, and her marriage to Conrad Hilton didn't last too long.
02:34She married him at noon, divorced him at two, because checkout was at three.
02:41Zsa Zsa, there's a lot of your friends and admirers who couldn't be here tonight,
02:44but they've sent you some telegrams, and I'd like to read some of them first.
02:48One.
02:50Oh, it comes from Senator Sam Irvin.
02:53Dear Zsa Zsa, will you marry me?
02:55I think I could show you a few new wrinkles.
03:04Oh, we're a kid.
03:06This next reads,
03:06Jaja, darling, I was so, I was so sweet of,
03:09it was so sweet of you to loan me your pink chiffon gown tonight.
03:12I just hope it looks as nice on me as it does on you.
03:15Signed, Truman Capote.
03:20There's one from the Immigration Department of the Virgin Islands.
03:23Dear Mrs. Gabor, in answer to your recent inquiry,
03:27you don't have to do it in order to become a citizen.
03:34I think Donald O'Connor starred in some of the greatest musicals ever made in Hollywood,
03:38and I loved him when he worked with Francis the Talking Mule.
03:41But one day they broke up, the mule felt that Donald was holding him back.
03:45Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Donald O'Connor.
03:59Thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
04:01And Dean, I came here tonight to make a confession.
04:05You see, this is something I have kept secret for many years.
04:09Ladies and gentlemen, I was once married to Zsa Zsa Gabor.
04:12Well, to this day, I remember every detail of that wedding ceremony.
04:21The preacher said to Zsa Zsa,
04:22Do you take this man?
04:23And she said, Yes, darling, for everything he's worth.
04:29Well, I...
04:30Well, I gotcha.
04:35Well, what a wedding night that was.
04:36And I thought Francis the Mule was stubborn.
04:38Well, we bought an idyllic little cottage and settled down.
04:45And then one day, I came home from work,
04:48and there was Zsa Zsa in her easy chair, knitting tiny little booties.
04:53I said, Zsa Zsa, does this mean that soon there will be the patter of little feet running around the house?
04:58And she said, Yes, darling, I'm dumping you for Willie Shoemaker.
05:01And I want to thank you, Zsa Zsa.
05:07You're lovely, and you're precious, and you're a darling.
05:10And I'm happy to be here, and I'll have your check for you on Thursday.
05:21Thank you, darling.
05:22Zsa Zsa Zsa, as a surprise to you, we've brought your personal hairdresser all the way from the old country.
05:31Ladies and gentlemen, a warm welcome for Charles of Warsaw.
05:47The family, thank you.
05:48The family that sprays together stays together.
05:52Now, there she sits, ladies and gentlemen, in all her glory, as usual, surrounded by handsome men.
05:58That's why I like to hang around.
05:59It gives me a chance to pick up the stragglers.
06:02Now, here we go, quiet!
06:07Let's stop it.
06:08All right.
06:10Now, seriously, I am just mad about primping Zsa Zsa's hair.
06:14And I've primped all the crown heads of you.
06:18In fact, I'm known as the...
06:22No, it's true.
06:24I am known...
06:26I might do Vegas.
06:28I am known as the biggest...
06:31in Budapest.
06:32Look at it, ladies and gentlemen.
06:39Gorgeous.
06:39And there she sits, queen of all she surveys.
06:42And I say that as an expert on queen.
06:48Zsa Zsa...
06:49Zsa Zsa, you may never have tried to fool Mother Nature.
06:57But you certainly have father time going bananas.
07:00In Hollywood, there are two main trade papers, Daily Variety and a Hollywood Reporter.
07:17And there's one news and gossip column that everybody in show business reads.
07:21I know.
07:22I read it every morning to find out if I'm still happily married.
07:25It's written by a lady called Sue Cameron.
07:30She's a columnist who really knows how to get a story.
07:33In fact, she was the first one who found out that Liz and Dick were drifting apart.
07:38She was lying in bed between them at the time.
07:42And here's the Sue Cameron.
07:43Debbie Reynolds says that Zsa Zsa is the most fantastic housekeeper in the world.
08:00It's true.
08:01Absolutely true.
08:02Every single time she gets a divorce, she always keeps the house.
08:06Seriously, though, you know, when anybody becomes famous like Zsa Zsa, people do get jealous.
08:18And that really explains a lot of the nasty rumors about her that you hear.
08:22As a reporter whose job it is to sort out fact from fiction, and I really do,
08:26I happen to know that these rumors are absolutely false.
08:29And I would like to take this opportunity to lay a few of those vicious stories to rest.
08:34It's true.
08:35Well, first of all, it is not true that during World War II, Zsa Zsa had a British secret agent in her bosom.
08:46Nor is it true that she has towels in her bathroom reading hers and whoever.
08:55You like that idea, right?
08:59It is not true, also, that Zsa Zsa was kicked out of high school for getting three boys in trouble.
09:05And finally, it is absolutely untrue that Zsa Zsa Gabor marries men for their money.
09:16She has better ways of getting it.
09:19Well, I'm not going to say anything unkind about Ms. Cameron, out of respect, out of admiration, and out of fear.
09:40Next, we have Corbett Monika.
09:44Corbett's career is really picking up speed.
09:48So does anything that's going downhill.
09:50Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Corbett Monika.
10:00Ladies and gentlemen, members of the dais, honored guest.
10:08As you can see, the function of this panel is to roast, to rib, to take pot shots at the honored guest.
10:15Usually, the recipient is a man that makes that task much easier.
10:19However, tonight, we have a woman.
10:21And for me to stand here and take pot shots at a lady like Zsa Zsa Gabor,
10:26it's going to be such a pleasure.
10:30I've been waiting to get this broad on a television show where she can't talk back.
10:34The thing that amazes me about her tonight is she's been here ten minutes and hasn't reported a robbery yet.
10:44The last time she got robbed, the thief stole her credit card.
10:48Her husband didn't report it because he claimed the thief is spending less than Zsa Zsa.
10:51But let us give credit where credit is due, ladies and gentlemen, to the mother, Jolie,
11:00who raised three children.
11:03Eva, Magda, and Zsa Zsa.
11:06An actress, a housewife, and a diamond expert.
11:10Can you imagine these four women once lived together all at the same time?
11:15I heard the battles were so big in that house that Bob Hope went over to entertain.
11:28And look at you, Zsa Zsa sitting there.
11:30I don't know if I want you to look at me.
11:34Which reminds me, I have to go to the mountains next week.
11:45Look at Zsa Zsa sitting here, famous, beautiful, wealthy.
11:53How you must be laughing at those people that said you'd be through when talking pictures came in.
12:00Whoa, whoa, whoa.
12:04And so to you ladies out there, I leave you in the great words of Zsa Zsa Gabor.
12:09If your boyfriend breaks the engagement and he wants to roam,
12:12give him back the ring, but never the stone.
12:15Thank you, Corbett.
12:27Immediately after the show tonight, Corbett leaves on a tour.
12:30Kansas City, Chicago, St. Louis, Detroit, Cleveland, and New York,
12:34where he will look for work.
12:39Now here are the two nicest words in country western music.
12:43Donna Fargo.
12:45You know, Zsa Zsa the Boar is a remarkable person.
13:01But until tonight, I never knew just how remarkable she is.
13:05Before the show this evening, I went into her dressing room to see if I could borrow some eye shadow.
13:10And I learned something about Zsa Zsa Zsa that I never knew before.
13:16Zsa Zsa Gabor is a man.
13:18That's right.
13:19That's right.
13:26She's really Howard Cosell in drag.
13:29You notice how you never see them together.
13:41Now, I can see some of you are shocked at this revelation.
13:48But believe me, you're not half as shocked as Zsa Zsa Zsa's husbands are.
13:56In case you're wondering how she does it, she uses cosmetics from her own cosmetics firm, Zsa Zsa Limited.
14:02It's amazing what makeup can cover.
14:11Thank you, darling.
14:15Thank you, darling.
14:16Oh, that was beautiful.
14:23Ladies and gentlemen, Red Skelton needs no introduction.
14:27The reason he needs no introduction is because he's not here tonight.
14:29So, we're stuck with Lonnie Shore.
14:37Ladies and gentlemen, Lonnie.
14:46I ain't going to cut your hair anymore.
14:49You know what Dean didn't tell you is that originally I'm from a little town in North Carolina called Zebulon.
14:55And I was down there, that's true, and I was down there last week, and when the folks down there asked me what I was going to do on the Dean Martin show,
15:02I said I was going to help them roast Zsa Zsa.
15:05And they wanted to know if there was anything like catfish.
15:11I did, but they don't really know too much.
15:14They said, what kind of bait do you use to catch a Zsa Zsa in?
15:17I said, money.
15:18And when Dean invited me to appear on the day, as I decided to do some research on this lovely lady,
15:27and I found out that she wasn't always this lovely.
15:31Now, would you believe that I found this out from the only Hungarian that I ever knew.
15:36His name was Zoltan, and he is the proprietor of the Bontan Tomsorio Parlor in Zebulon, North Carolina.
15:42He's the only Hungarian in that whole area.
15:43It's true, and it turned out that he was from the same hometown that your family was from,
15:50and he knew Zsa Zsa and the rest of the family back in the old country before y'all came even, you know, over here.
15:56And it was true.
15:58And as a matter of fact, he showed me, I don't know whether you knew this,
16:00but he's got a lot of pictures of you when you were growing up.
16:03And you can believe me, friend, she wasn't always this pretty.
16:07She doesn't.
16:08It's true.
16:09As a matter of fact, when she was a youngster,
16:11they had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.
16:17That's true.
16:21Oh, that's true.
16:25And then he had a bunch of progressive pictures,
16:28and then when I saw the next picture, as a teenager, she looked so bad,
16:31I mean, she could have cooked naked in a lumber camp, and nobody would have touched her.
16:34I mean, it's true.
16:38We looked a little bit up there in the timberland.
16:41In fact, I mean, she had these red rings all over her chest
16:45where guys kept touching her with a 10-foot pole.
16:47I mean, it's true.
16:49You know, way to go.
16:52But that, of course, was a long time ago, way back then.
16:56But as you can see now, and as we say down home,
16:59Miss Gabor, you sure did clean up good.
17:04When you talk about beautiful sisters,
17:14I guess everybody thinks immediately about the three glamorous Gabor's.
17:18Zsa Zsa, Ava, and Magda.
17:21But believe it or not, there's a fourth gorgeous Gabor sister,
17:25and we flew her in tonight as a surprise for Zsa Zsa.
17:28Come on out, honey.
17:29Hello, darlings.
17:53My name is Gladys Gabor.
17:58I used to think it was Ormsby, because that's what my sister always called me.
18:04But then I looked Ormsby up in a Hungarian English dictionary,
18:09and I discovered it means get lost, fish face.
18:13Zsa Zsa is truly a woman of many talents,
18:16and she's deeply interested in everything that goes on.
18:20You may think she's indifferent to world affairs.
18:23What Tommy Rot.
18:25She's had affairs all over the world.
18:28They say my sister Zsa doesn't care about the little people in the world.
18:37Bourgeois.
18:39Name one other woman who would let Mickey Rooney hide under her in a rainstorm.
18:45And she's always...
18:49Please hold it down.
18:50She has always...
18:53And she's always been kind to minority groups.
19:06Zsa Zsa makes it a practice at least once a week to take a millionaire to lunch.
19:11And she's taken a lot of them.
19:17And I remember the time she saw a hungry little girl begging in the street with her hand out.
19:23Zsa Zsa immediately stopped the limousine and read her palm.
19:29Free!
19:32They've said my sister doesn't believe in freedom.
19:35Balderdash!
19:37Through divorces alone, she's freed almost as many people as Abraham Lincoln.
19:42So in conclusion, please hold it down.
19:46In conclusion, let me say my older sister Zsa Zsa doesn't know the meaning of the word avaricious.
19:53She doesn't know the meaning of the word vindictive.
19:57She doesn't know the meaning of the word vanity.
20:00She doesn't know the meaning of a lot of English words.
20:03But take away my sister's accent.
20:09Will you take away your flashy clothes?
20:11And what have you got?
20:13A naked Martha Mitchell!
20:15Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Buddy Hackett!
20:34Thank you, Barna.
20:46Kész csokolom.
20:47Mikor em beszed nagyon jó?
20:50Tudá.
20:51Mikor?
20:52Mikor most beszeres.
20:54Köszönöm.
20:54A lot of you don't know what I said and what she said.
21:08But many of us had it in Mexico.
21:11Kész!
21:12Ja, I call her Ja.
21:23I know her better than they know her.
21:26She's just a person in show business.
21:29Corbett, you took a few sharp raps at her, Corbett.
21:32Yeah, well.
21:33But it was funny.
21:34But it hurt me.
21:35Because I know her a long time and I love her and I love her sister.
21:38And I worked for four months in Hungary and I looked up the Gabor family and they were
21:52not poor people, but they did help their country and they lived in Transylvania, which
21:56has a reputation that all vampires, bloodsuckers came from, but they weren't.
22:01Yes, they had the ability.
22:05But they didn't!
22:06No, they used her ability to go to the mountains for the poor people and suck coal out of the
22:13hills.
22:15The old mother sucked a ton a day.
22:22She was held up in an elevator.
22:25Yes.
22:25They took all her jewels.
22:28They took the...
22:29They took the necklace off her neck in 21 seconds and the ring off her finger in 13 seconds.
22:35Yes.
22:35And your diamond garter belt took 45 hours.
22:42Later on, she married the robber.
22:49The only reason you're here that they say anything is because everybody here is so filled
22:54up with love for you.
22:55Because that every man, you are the object of desire and fulfillment of every man.
23:03I know me here on television in front of everybody.
23:07I would commit any kind of an act that was required of me.
23:11The prosecution roasts.
23:23Seriously.
23:24Everybody talks, you know, all kinds of ways and like in Hungary, in Debrecen, in Jür, in
23:34Visegrad.
23:35It's all the same Hungary.
23:36But here, he talks one way.
23:38Now the girl talks this way from after the month.
23:42Looks like a lobster got a hold of his nose.
23:46It's different.
23:47They don't know what ja means.
23:48Ja is the Hungarian word for bosom and that's why she's called ja-ja.
23:53And ladies and gentlemen, here's our lovely and exciting woman of the week, the glamorous
24:13woman of the week, Mrs. Zsa Zsa Gabor.
24:28Before I start my little speech, I must say I'm very courageous.
24:35I never knew that roasting means this, but now I do.
24:38Anyhow, thank you, Dean.
24:40Dean, darling, I don't know how I missed marrying you.
24:43You're everything you're looking for in a man.
24:45You're handsome, you're Italian, you're rich, and you're not so bright.
24:50Donald O'Connor, how lovely of you to remember that we were married once.
24:58I have completely forgotten it.
25:01Oh, it's like an unsuccessful night.
25:05I'm glad.
25:08I am very glad I came tonight because I had a chance to meet the only Gabor sister we
25:17never talk about, Rose Bazzi.
25:20Rosie, darling, you could never be a Gabor.
25:23You're much too insecure around man.
25:30She's the only...
25:32She's the only girl I know who wears a burglar lamb on her pantyhose.
25:38Buddy, I get, I really love you.
25:50But really, you surprised me very much tonight.
25:53It's the first time in my life that I heard you say ten clean words in a row.
25:57roll. Even the nine of them were in Hungarian. Tonight you all possess how I live. Thank
26:14God I'm not like the average housewife. Thank God. They're always bragging that they're
26:24great in the kitchen. Believe me, there are other rooms in the house I like to be great in.
26:36But seriously, it was fantastic being with you tonight because I only love bad men.
26:42And you guys, you are the worst. With our mercy, I'm grateful to all you funny people for roasting
26:50me tonight. Where would this world be without laughter? Tonight we found out.
27:09I want to thank all my wonderful guests for being here tonight. And I want to especially
27:13thank our lady of the week, Zsa Zsa Gabor. You know, we kidded Zsa Zsa a lot tonight, but
27:19I must say, she's a very proper girl. She doesn't care for a man's company unless he owns it.
27:27Now everybody, on the way home, Catherine, warm up the hot chocolate.
27:30And I want to thank you for being here tonight. And I want to thank you for being here tonight.
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