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Celebrity Roast: Ralph Nader: With Dean Martin, James Brolin, Foster Brooks, Ruth Buzzi. Left wing crusader and activist Ralph Nader is the subject roasted.
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00:00The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel, in the entertainment
00:20capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.
00:24Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight's star-studded roast
00:29has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.
00:33They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in person.
00:41The Man of the Week!
00:45Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin!
00:49And tonight's very special Man of the Week, Ralph Nader!
00:59Thank you, and I better drink this before Ralph Nader recalls it.
01:15We're gathered here tonight, I sound like this, we're gathered here tonight to honor a man
01:20who pioneered safety precautions for the consumer.
01:25Ralph's motto has always been, better safe than sorry, which explains why I saw him coming
01:31out of a drugstore this morning blushing.
01:39He's the man we can thank for all the safety devices in cars.
01:43Even as a child, he was a safety nut.
01:46When he was ten months old, he insisted on being potty trained with a seatbelt.
01:52Safety features in cars are important.
01:54I even have an emergency belt in my car.
01:57I keep a pint in my glove compartment.
02:01And thanks to Mr. Nader, next year's cars are going to have another safety feature.
02:07All the St. Christopher statues will be wearing crash helmets.
02:10Pollution doesn't bother me.
02:14I've been polluted for years, so...
02:17And that's another thing, Ralph Nader doesn't touch liquor.
02:21He only drinks milk.
02:22He believes milk can do wonders for you.
02:25He's right.
02:26Look what it did for Nixon.
02:30Now, I'd like you to meet Mr. Jack Klugman, co-star of The Odd Couple.
02:36Jack got some real good news today.
02:38ABC tore up his old contract, and now he's the only one on that network with a torn contract.
02:46Ladies and gentlemen, a beautiful guy and a very fine talent, Mr. Jack Klugman.
02:49I mean, look at this man.
02:58What an honest face.
03:00He's the only man in America I would buy a used car from.
03:06Let's see, man.
03:07What is it?
03:07Maybe a couple of things I can say about him.
03:10Well, for instance, he is dull.
03:14I'm sorry.
03:14He is dull.
03:15But it's not a crime to be dull.
03:17I mean, how many fun guys are there?
03:19You count on your finger the funny guys.
03:21There's Alan Luggan, Jack Palance, Lauren Green.
03:24And also, one other thing, you cannot have fun Christmas shopping with this guy.
03:31He spends all his time in the complaint department.
03:35And also, let's see, one other thing.
03:37He's very suspicious.
03:38He's wary.
03:39Right now, on this dais, he's the only guy who's wearing a seatbelt.
03:43And he's a bachelor.
03:45Right?
03:45Lucky guy.
03:46But that's because every time he gets serious about a girl, he has a mother recaller and correct her defects.
03:54The truth is, though, that, as everyone knows, Ralph Nader has been a bastion against unsafe automobiles.
04:01How often automobile executives have said,
04:05Tone that...
04:06But he has my respect, and I hope he has you.
04:16You all know our next guest.
04:20She's actress Jane Withers, the star of hundreds of Hollywood movies,
04:25and now famous as TV's Josephine de Plummer.
04:29And she's the only plumber I know that's not employed by Nixon.
04:38Ladies and gentlemen, the only actress who can boast that her career went down the drain,
04:44Miss Jane Withers.
04:53Oh, so, wow.
04:54Wow, thank you, Jane.
04:56Hello, everybody.
04:57Gosh, I was so thrilled.
04:58Hello, Mr. Nate.
04:59I'm so glad to meet you.
05:00I'm like, honestly, I was so thrilled when they asked me to come here.
05:03You know, I had no idea it was going to be such a really swell affair.
05:06Otherwise, I'd have worn my formal coveralls.
05:09You know, well, you know, the ones with the plunger neckline.
05:12Oh, but Mr. Nader, honestly, really and truly, I can truly appreciate the kind of letters
05:20and mail that you must receive, because I don't know if they're anything at all like
05:24the complaints that I get from some of these marvelous housewives and these dear little
05:28ladies that they really think I'm a plumber, you know?
05:30And, well, I want you to try some of these that I brought tonight on your readers, okay?
05:35Now, here's one.
05:36Dear Josephine, how do I turn off that grip that drives me crazy all night?
05:42So, I answered her, go to bed with a mud pack.
05:52Here's another one.
05:54Dear Josephine, how can I get my child to stop dropping his marbles down the kitchen sink?
06:00So, I wrote back, tell him very nicely that if he continues to do that, the tooth fairy
06:06will come and give him a fat lip.
06:10This is what I really love.
06:12Dear Josephine, I just love this lady, I am planning a large family gathering.
06:17Could you please tell me how to fix a 20-pound turkey?
06:21I said, sure.
06:23Next time, why don't you buy one that isn't broken?
06:25And now, Ralph, I have a little surprise for you.
06:42We've flown in a gentleman who knows you better than anyone else in the whole world
06:46because he's been in your personal employ for the past 10 years.
06:51Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Felipe Martinez.
07:07Thank you, Mr. Dean.
07:09It's a great pleasure to be on your show.
07:11I got a lot of respect for anybody make a million dollars a week in a coma.
07:15I have been a houseboy for Mr. Ralph for the last 10 years.
07:30I'm so happy to be on the show because this is my first night off.
07:34You know, without me, he would not be where he is today, alive.
07:47You don't know what I'm talking about.
07:49I'll tell you why.
07:50You know, he tests a lot of things.
07:53I ain't the tester.
07:54You know how he found out the electric carving knife was no good.
08:01This way.
08:06This was from the electric pencil sharpener.
08:09The hair was my own fault, man.
08:16He told me a million times.
08:18Put the crash helmet on when you pull the chain in the bathroom.
08:24Well, good night, Mr. Ralph.
08:27I got to go out now and buy myself some false teeth.
08:30Tomorrow we taste the electric toothbrush.
08:32That was Steve Lansberg, a fine young comedian.
08:45Now we come to Mr. Mort Saul,
08:47a man who is best known for his attacks on social injustices.
08:53Mr. Mort Saul.
08:54Thank you, Dean.
09:04The man we're here to honor tonight
09:05was born in Westport, Connecticut.
09:08He's the first baby in history
09:09who was slapped into life by the doctor,
09:12which is normal medical form,
09:13and immediately slapped the doctor back, as I recall.
09:18Why did Ralph Nader become involved in public life?
09:21Well, as you know, he lives a Spartan life himself.
09:23He has a gray suit, and he has a blue suit.
09:26That's it.
09:28He lives on $100 a week gross.
09:31He lives in a rooming house in Washington, D.C.
09:33He has a phone in the hall,
09:35a towel at the end of the hall.
09:40Personally grateful to Ralph,
09:41because before he came here, it was a terrible country.
09:43We were drinking, cussing.
09:45We resembled a western frontier town
09:47with all the attendant vices.
09:49And then he taught us to put on our seatbelts,
09:51even when we're at home.
09:52And he taught us that the milk in Duluth, Minnesota,
09:54has water in it.
09:55He warned us against aging.
09:57He's trying to pass a law against it now.
09:59He told us there was air in our hot dogs.
10:01He told us there was mercury in our tuna fish.
10:03He told us there were rats in our meatpacking plants.
10:06He wants to repave Lake Erie.
10:07If it weren't for Ralph Nader,
10:18the Watergate Hotel would not be equipped with a fire escape.
10:24Ralph's latest victory was over Allegheny Airlines
10:26when his reservation was bumped at the Pittsburgh airport,
10:29for which the court awarded him $50,000.
10:31I've been at that airport myself often.
10:33Often sit up in the bar.
10:34I'd like to sit upstairs there,
10:35have a couple of drinks, you know,
10:36watch my plane take off.
10:38Anyway, Ralph, we...
10:41We have something for everybody tonight.
10:43Anyway, Ralph, we...
10:45I've reached the nader of my speech.
10:49We...
10:50Keep up the credit.
10:53Thank you very much.
10:54Thanks for meeting you.
10:55Ladies and gentlemen,
11:01talented Miss Donna Fargo.
11:10Thank you, Dean.
11:12Everybody knows Ralph Nader
11:14as a dedicated and crusading investigator.
11:17But what's he like on a date?
11:19I'm one girl who knows.
11:22I went to dinner once with Ralph.
11:24Let me tell you,
11:26it was an experience.
11:29But I must say,
11:30he was considerate.
11:31He let me choose the restaurant
11:33we'd investigate.
11:36We ended up at McDonald's,
11:38test weighing the half-pounder.
11:42The girl that brought us our order
11:44told us that it was her 19th birthday.
11:47Guess what Ralph said?
11:48Gee, for such low mileage,
11:50that body's really been abused.
11:51Over our french fries, though,
11:56I took Ralph's hand
11:57and stared into his big brown eyes
12:00and said,
12:01which one of my defects
12:03really turned you on, honey?
12:06But, you know,
12:07I don't think he heard me.
12:08He was staring into my Big Mac
12:10looking for a faulty pickle.
12:11See, she talks like I do.
12:24Ain't nothing wrong with that.
12:25You know,
12:26does he know our man of the week?
12:31Ralph Nader has been very
12:34critical of the present administration.
12:39But in line with federal broadcast standards,
12:41we must grant equal time
12:43to those with opposing views.
12:47Even though...
12:48Even though it's only...
12:51Even though...
12:52So, ladies and gentlemen...
12:54See, everybody would say gentlemen.
12:57Ladies and gentlemen,
12:58straight from Washington, D.C.,
13:00where he canceled
13:01an appearance to be here.
13:03An appearance to be...
13:04And before the Senate
13:05investigating committee,
13:07one of America's
13:08great stand-up storytellers,
13:10Richard I.
13:11Don't try to make up to me.
13:35I heard you all outside my house
13:42honking your horns
13:43for impeachment.
13:46Well, let me say this about that.
13:49Something's going to be done
13:51about all you people.
13:53People.
13:53And let me say this about you,
14:07Mr. Nader.
14:09You're doing a rotten job
14:11for the consumer.
14:13I bought a tape recorder
14:15and you approved it.
14:17Another damn thing
14:28didn't work.
14:32Three very important
14:34conversations.
14:38You know, Ralph,
14:39Ralph has asked repeatedly
14:52where those missing tapes are.
14:56That's a very good question.
14:58Are there any more
15:00very good questions?
15:04No?
15:05All right.
15:06I'll be frank.
15:07I don't know
15:08what happened
15:09to those missing tapes.
15:11The last time I saw them
15:13was when Yul Gibbons
15:14came to dinner.
15:23As I recall,
15:25he said,
15:25they reminded him
15:26of the taste
15:27of wild hickory nuts.
15:33Is he laughing?
15:35Is he laughing?
15:37But I'm determined
15:38to ferret out the truth.
15:40So I've appointed
15:41a new hard-hitting,
15:43impartial special assistant
15:45to investigate
15:46the whole Watergate mess.
15:49Believe me,
15:50if anyone can get
15:51to the bottom of this,
15:52it's David Eisenhower.
16:00Well, let's be fair
16:01and talk about
16:02what I've been doing
16:03for the country.
16:04I've driven
16:06prices down.
16:12Especially in the
16:13stock market.
16:19Now even poor people
16:20can afford to buy
16:21IBM.
16:25And when industry
16:26came and asked me
16:27to choose between
16:29using high-polluting coal
16:31and authorizing
16:32the building
16:33of a pipeline,
16:35many congressmen
16:36suggested I take
16:37the pipe.
16:43One of the reasons
16:44I've recommended
16:46I've recommended
16:48to return
16:49to daylight saving time
16:50is that I've been
16:51working 16,
16:5318 hours a day
16:54myself.
16:54And I think
16:55I've kept America
16:57in the dark
16:57long enough.
17:06And let me say
17:07this about that.
17:08I refuse to turn
17:10my back in a job
17:11I'm best qualified
17:13for.
17:15Selling
17:16I don't know
17:20the meaning
17:21of the word
17:21quit.
17:22That's one
17:23of my problems.
17:29And when things
17:30get tough
17:31I turn my eyes
17:33upward for help
17:34toward that
17:35bountiful source
17:36of wisdom
17:37and power
17:38Bibi Ramosa.
17:40I say that
17:50things in America
17:51are wonderful.
17:53They've never
17:53been better.
17:54And if we all
17:55pull together
17:56maybe they won't
17:57get worse.
17:58ladies and gentlemen
18:19here on one of his
18:21rare house calls
18:22Mr. James Roland.
18:28Well, thank you, Dean.
18:37Ralph vowed
18:38that he would
18:38single-handedly
18:39bring the automobile
18:40manufacturers
18:41to their knees.
18:43And he has.
18:45They're down there
18:46right now
18:46praying he'll
18:47get hit by a truck.
18:52Now, Ralph has
18:53had so much
18:54success in getting
18:55the defective
18:56autos recalled
18:57that he started
18:58to expand his
18:59efforts.
18:59You see, he's
19:00found out that
19:01a lot of people
19:01have the same
19:02sort of defects
19:03that cars have
19:04and so he's
19:06trying to get
19:06them recalled too.
19:08For instance,
19:10he wants to have
19:10the whole White
19:11House staff
19:12recalled.
19:18Well, he claims
19:20that they've all
19:20got screws loose.
19:23You know?
19:25He had Phyllis
19:27Diller recalled.
19:28For faulty front
19:29end alignment.
19:32You know?
19:33And Marlon Brando
19:35for appearing
19:35in The Last Tango
19:36without wearing
19:39a seat cover.
19:44He even had
19:45Aristotle on
19:46Nassus recalled.
19:48Jackie was
19:49complaining that
19:49he was always
19:50running out of gas.
19:51We Americans
19:56should be
19:57grateful to
19:58Ralph Nader.
20:00He's always
20:00looking for
20:01faults.
20:02He's always
20:03complaining.
20:05This won't work.
20:07That's wrong.
20:08Send it back.
20:09It's too dangerous.
20:11Well, may I tell
20:11you something,
20:12Mr. Nader,
20:13that if you ever
20:14get tired
20:15of being a
20:16crusader,
20:17you can always
20:17get a job as a
20:18mother-in-law.
20:32Before we go
20:33any farther,
20:34Ralph,
20:34many of your
20:35friends and
20:35admirers couldn't
20:36be here tonight,
20:37but they sent
20:37some wires,
20:38and, oh,
20:39I'd sure like
20:40to read them
20:40to you.
20:41First, here's
20:42one from
20:42Attorney General
20:44John Mitchell.
20:44Dear Mr. Nader,
20:47I'm following
20:47your advice
20:48and no longer
20:49driving my
20:50unsafe car.
20:51I got rid of it.
20:52I gave it to
20:53Martha.
20:57Ladies and
20:58gentlemen,
20:58the loveliest,
21:00the prettiest,
21:01and I love her
21:01very much,
21:02truly great
21:03comedian,
21:04Miss Ruth
21:05Buzzi.
21:14Mr. Nader,
21:21I'm not here
21:22tonight as
21:23Gladys Ormpfby,
21:24the international
21:24sex symbol,
21:26but as a typical
21:28red-blooded
21:29female consumer.
21:30And it's true
21:31that we girls
21:32are frustrated
21:33by the energy
21:34crisis.
21:35All the gentlemen
21:36I date seem
21:37to have that
21:37problem.
21:39All these days,
21:41it seems to me
21:41that everything
21:42that's supposed
21:43to stick together
21:44comes apart
21:45and everything
21:46that's supposed
21:46to come apart
21:47sticks together.
21:49And I've got
21:49two words
21:50for the National
21:51Association of
21:52Manufacturers.
21:53How come?
21:56How come the cereal,
21:57which is supposed
21:58to be so good
21:59for the kids,
22:00is supposed to be
22:00so bad when they
22:02add it to dog food?
22:04Right, babies?
22:05Hi.
22:05Right.
22:06And how come
22:07after you tear off
22:08the first piece
22:09of saran wrap,
22:10you can never find
22:11where it begins again?
22:12Right?
22:14And how come
22:15the vitamins
22:16they sell you
22:17to make you strong
22:18always come in bottles
22:20no one is strong
22:21enough to open?
22:22Right?
22:24And how come
22:25they always slice
22:26English muffins
22:27a quarter of an inch
22:28thicker than the slots
22:29in the toaster?
22:31And how come
22:33the can of furniture
22:34wax that you use
22:35to prevent rings
22:36leaves a ring
22:38where you send
22:39the can down?
22:40And how...
22:42Please hold it down.
22:44And how come
22:45a garbage disposal
22:46which can grind up
22:47your $800 set
22:48of false teeth
22:49chokes up
22:50on orange peels?
22:53And how come
22:53the same rubber,
22:55the very, very
22:56same rubber
22:57that they put
22:58in tires
22:59that are guaranteed
22:59to be blowout proof
23:01when you put it
23:02in a brassiere
23:03or a pair of panneos,
23:05you either end up
23:06with a couple
23:06of flats
23:07or everything
23:08wagging, sagging
23:09and dragging.
23:10I can't do everything
23:24to do,
23:25you're just jealous.
23:26Oh!
23:26It's real fuzzy.
23:40I think I'm a real
23:41funny man,
23:41Mr. Jackie Gale.
23:46Come on again.
23:50How do you follow that?
23:53It's a great day
23:54as they got for you, Ralph.
23:55This side looked like
23:56they came in a
23:56Volkswagen camper.
24:00But it's really nice.
24:01And you know,
24:01you do a lot of investigating.
24:02You want to investigate
24:03something important,
24:03why don't you investigate
24:04his singing?
24:06People don't know,
24:07this man was considered
24:08a presidential nomination
24:09at the last
24:10Democratic convention,
24:12but he held out
24:12for king.
24:15I'd love to see
24:16in that gray suit.
24:16He's been wearing
24:17this suit for two years.
24:19Two years,
24:19the same funky suit.
24:22If he's going out
24:22formally,
24:23rents a crease.
24:26I mean,
24:28this man,
24:29I'm telling you something,
24:30this man was around
24:31in the early days
24:31of this country
24:32who would have
24:32no progress.
24:33He would have told
24:33Benjamin Franklin
24:34the kite wasn't safe,
24:36Eli Whitney,
24:37the cotton gin
24:38wasn't fireproof,
24:38and John Hancock
24:39has pen leaked.
24:42And Ruth Buzzy,
24:43you look great.
24:44She came here
24:44right from trick-and-treating.
24:45I knew she was here
24:48when I saw the broom
24:49in the parking lot.
24:52You look great,
24:53Ruth.
24:54They must have
24:54a hell of a special
24:55effects department
24:56here at NBC.
24:59But this is a great woman.
25:00She gave up
25:00a promising career
25:01as a housewife
25:02to keep Ronan Martin
25:03in the business.
25:07And Jack Klugman's here.
25:08I wonder what your name was
25:09before you changed it.
25:12And I happen to like
25:12your show,
25:13and it's going to outlast
25:14Colucci's department.
25:16Here, your rating picked up.
25:17Two ABC ushers tuned in.
25:21And my boy, Mort Sola,
25:22he's one of the greatest
25:23iconoclasts we have
25:24in our business.
25:25He still thinks it's 1960.
25:26Hangs around corners
25:27in Berkeley
25:27watching for riots.
25:30You sold out,
25:31you put on a tuck
25:32because the moth's
25:32got a sweater.
25:35Mort didn't notice.
25:36They wanted him
25:37on This Is Your Life,
25:38but they couldn't find
25:38anybody to stand
25:39behind the curtain.
25:43This is a wonderful man.
25:46Surprise, the man
25:47you're raging,
25:48you're not married.
25:48You better watch out,
25:49they'll investigate you.
25:52But the man is nice.
25:53I'm telling you,
25:53I kid this man,
25:54but he's a great man,
25:55and I've known him
25:55a long time.
25:56Let me say,
25:57I got to the studio
25:57at 3.30.
25:59I think it was
25:59a quarter to four,
26:00but it's been a pleasure
26:01because I think
26:02the world of him.
26:02Thank you very much.
26:05You're wonderful, Jackie.
26:17Well, tonight, Ralph,
26:18we're pleased to have
26:19with us one of
26:20your top assistants.
26:23You've given him
26:25the job of test-driving
26:27all the new automobiles
26:28to see if they're safe
26:31or consumed.
26:32Would you all please
26:36welcome one of
26:37Nader's chief raiders,
26:39Mr. Foster Brooks?
27:02Madam Chairman.
27:10Are you real?
27:12Real, please?
27:14Yes.
27:15Yes.
27:19Yes, friends,
27:20it is my job.
27:21My job.
27:23To test-drive
27:24all new vehic-
27:26all new vehic-
27:28automobiles
27:32in the interest
27:34of se-
27:35safety.
27:37You know,
27:38you wouldn't believe
27:39how some-
27:40how some-
27:41how-
27:41how-
27:42how unsafe
27:44some automobiles
27:45are today.
27:47I drove
27:48seven-
27:49seven different cars
27:50today,
27:51and they're all
27:52smashed up.
27:52I drove one-
28:03I drove one car
28:04today,
28:06and it-
28:06even the clock
28:07didn't work.
28:10It only had one-
28:11one hand on it,
28:12and it-
28:12it kept
28:13pointing to
28:14130.
28:14And the turn-
28:26and the turn signals
28:28didn't-
28:29were busted, too.
28:31All the left-
28:32left one worked okay,
28:33but every-
28:33every time
28:34I switched on the right one,
28:36the darn car
28:36went backwards.
28:37the only thing I could-
28:48I could get to work
28:49with-
28:49with the lights.
28:51But I nearly froze
28:52my rear end off
28:54driving with the front door
28:55open.
29:03And then you get
29:04those dumb
29:05pedestrian-
29:05pedestrian-
29:07on the way over here,
29:09one old lady
29:10walked right in front-
29:12right in front of my car.
29:14I had to swerve
29:15right off the sidewalk
29:16to keep from hitting her.
29:26Many drivers
29:27have written to us
29:28asking,
29:29where'd you say?
29:32Where-
29:32where'd you say?
29:34Safer,
29:35the-
29:35the automatic transmission
29:37or the stand-
29:38standard-
29:38standard transmission.
29:41Personally,
29:41I don't care
29:42for the standard transmission.
29:44I mean,
29:45you've got
29:45the gas pedal
29:47for the right foot
29:48and the clutch
29:50pedal
29:51for the left foot.
29:53Now,
29:53how do you expect me
29:54to work the pedal
29:55in the middle?
29:56other folks have asked,
30:13I've written in
30:14and asked me
30:15what I thought,
30:16what I think of S-
30:17of what I think of S-
30:19S-E-P.
30:23I think it's delicious.
30:24I think it's delicious.
30:54Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to present the man who's devoting all his time and energy
31:01to the benefit of every American, our man of the week, Mr. Ralph Nader.
31:24Well, well, well.
31:33It's hard to comment on a performance by our friends tonight, but one thing is sure, they've
31:39shown how quickly the overprivileged can become underprivileged.
31:43Thank you, Dean.
31:48I was warmed by your eulogy tonight.
31:53More than warmed, I was burned up.
31:58You ought to throw the script away.
31:59It'll help the energy crisis.
32:01It's reassuring to know that in these times of so-called fuel shortages, some of you gentlemen
32:12all had the foresight to come here already tanked up and gassed.
32:17This is really an outstanding group of performers.
32:23Consider, for example, as a singer, Dean ranks with Frank Sinatra.
32:29As a satirist, Mark Sahl ranks with Will Rogers.
32:36In fact, this is one of the rankest groups ever assembled.
32:44As a person involved in product evaluation, I'm used to analyzing things and corporations.
32:52And I think I can state unequivocally that this group is badly in need of viewer analysis,
32:58consumer style.
32:59And breaking them down, I would say that they're about 50% adulterated water, 20% brass,
33:092% insolence, and the rest is hamburger helper.
33:29Yeah, it's been a lot of fun tonight.
33:33I want to thank my wonderful guests for being here, and I especially wanted to thank Mr.
33:37Ralph Nader.
33:38He really fights injustices, and he's an honest man.
33:42You know that speech he made tonight?
33:43He's having it recalled.
33:46All right, everybody.
33:47I'm on the way home.
33:48Catherine, warm up the hot chocolate.
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