- 2 months ago
After Virgil loses the PT 73, McHale and the crew must search high and low for a replacement vessel so that they can avoid a court martial and take a week's holiday to New Caledonia.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00I'm sorry, Carpenter. I'd like to throw this trip your way, but I've got direct orders from the Admiral. Send McHale.
00:15But, sir, I don't get it. Our boat has had an excellent record, and McHale, why, you won't even let him and that gang of wild men moor on the base.
00:22The Admiral wants to reward him for tracking down that chap's sub.
00:26But, Captain, we both know very well that McHale would never have spotted that sub if he hadn't been out on a moonlight cruise with those nurses.
00:32No, no, no. It seems the Admiral only judges by results.
00:37Hi, Captain. Can I command a McHale reporting, sir? Hi, Carpenter.
00:41Nice of you to show up, McHale.
00:43Oh, well, I'm sorry I'm late, sir, but I thought I'd grab a shave first. I've been on duty all night, sir.
00:48I know. I hear it was quite a poker game.
00:51Oh, it was a son of a gun, sir. Carpenter, you should have been there. I had three aces at night.
00:56You know why I sent for you?
00:58Uh, well, frankly, no, sir.
01:00I'm sending you to New Caledonia with the monthly reports.
01:03New Caledonia?
01:05Oh, thanks, Captain. Ha! Wine, women, and hot showers, my boys, can sure use a little of each.
01:10Don't thank me, McHale.
01:13If I had my way, you'd be out in Tokyo Bay polishing mine.
01:18It was Admiral Reynolds' idea.
01:20Oh.
01:21Just what do you have on the Admiral, anyway?
01:23Well, I guess he just recognized his talent.
01:26Well, uh, I'll be running along, Captain.
01:28Copy. I'll squeeze a redhead just for you.
01:30Bye-bye. Bye, Captain.
01:35Cheer up, Carpenter. They can always run into a typhoon.
01:39Bye-bye.
01:48Bye-bye.
01:52Here comes the keeper.
02:23Okay, Virgil, now you're going to get it.
02:31Okay, Coxon, thank you.
02:33Hey, you guys, have I got some great news for you.
02:35Hey, where's the boat, getting refueled?
02:36Uh, well, sir, not exactly.
02:38You tell us your news and we'll tell you ours.
02:40Well, tourists, as fast as you can get your fancy skivvies packed,
02:44we're going on a little vacation cruise to New Caledonia.
02:48I don't get it.
02:52I thought you guys would be going out of your heads.
02:53I'm afraid we're not going to New Caledonia, sir.
02:56What are you talking about?
02:57Because of him.
02:59Go on, lover boy.
03:00Tell him.
03:01Tell him why we're not going anyplace.
03:02Yeah, tell me.
03:08I lost the boat.
03:11Goodbye.
03:13I lost the boat.
03:14All right, you guys, come on, what's the gang?
03:21He's telling the trucer.
03:22He lost the boat.
03:24Look, I'm not talking about our little tiny rubber boat, huh?
03:28I'm talking about our great big PT boat.
03:32The one with the big 7-3 on it.
03:35I lost it.
03:36How could you lose a boat?
03:38When?
03:38Where?
03:39You're gambling.
03:39They're shooting crutches or something.
03:40No, it was unavoidable.
03:42You know how a person loses something, put it someplace, and then when I went back to get it, I just couldn't find it.
03:48This eight happens to be 70 feet long and weighs 30 tons.
03:53Go on, hot lips.
03:54Better tell them the whole story.
03:57Well, last night I was feeling kind of restless, you know?
04:01So I borrowed the boat and I took a little ride over to the native village.
04:06And I, uh, I talked the chief's daughter into going out for a little spin.
04:11Now, that's strictly against regulations.
04:13Inviting civilian personnel aboard ship without the proper operation.
04:16Oh, look, everything we do is against regulations, so let's not hold that against us.
04:20All right, all right.
04:21Come on, come on, come on.
04:22After a while, I parked the boat and I went in the jungle for a little walk.
04:28Well, Skipper, you know how the jungle is in the middle of the night.
04:31Oh, how is the jungle in the middle of the night?
04:35Well, it's dark.
04:38Pretty soon I couldn't find my way back.
04:40When we finally found the path back to a village, we took it.
04:44And that's, uh, that's how I lost the boat.
04:50And then that's how it happened?
04:52Yeah.
04:53Oh.
04:55I always felt it just wasn't too easy to lose a PT boat.
04:59Oh, no, Skipper, it wasn't easy at all.
05:02Why, the mosquitoes and the...
05:03Oh, look, you rundowns on you.
05:05I'm going to give it to you loud and clear.
05:07You're going to go back to that village.
05:08You're going to roust them all out.
05:09Third degree, that doll, anything.
05:11But you don't come back here without that boat.
05:14Tinker, you go with them.
05:16And make it fast.
05:18Now, get going.
05:19Boy, this camouflage was a great idea, Skipper.
05:29Yeah, if any of the brass comes nosing around, they won't know we're pedestrians.
05:33Hey, Skipper, one of those guys is going to get back.
05:34I don't know.
05:35But if Binghamton gets wind of this, he'll hang us by our thumbs from the highest radar mass.
05:40Love it.
05:41Oh, no.
05:50Believe it, to Binghamton, the smell of trouble is 6,000 yards.
05:53I would like short thumbs anyway.
05:54Fool, you get lost.
05:55Quick, quick.
05:56Cover him, cover him, cover him.
05:57That's all the old man has to find out is we've got our own private P.W.
06:00All right, nonchalant like nothing's wrong.
06:03That's it.
06:03Go and stand by the netting, then.
06:05That's it.
06:06Let's hope he doesn't go poking around.
06:08Ch-ch-chatter it up.
06:09Chatter it up.
06:09Boy, New Caledonia, here we come.
06:13Should be a blast, eh, Mr. Parker?
06:15Oh, oh, yes, yes, a real blast.
06:20Hi, Captain.
06:22Hi, Mikhail, you still here?
06:24Yes, sir, just making some last-minute preparations, sir.
06:26Well, I don't understand this.
06:28I was out on an inspection, sir.
06:30I thought you'd be halfway to New Caledonia.
06:31Oh.
06:39Hey, you know, that's quite a job of camouflage you've got there.
06:43Well, yes, sir.
06:44That's right, sir.
06:45If there's one thing we pride ourselves in, sir, it's, uh, our camouflage.
06:49Yes, sir, I'm very proud of our camouflage.
06:52Really?
06:54Well, you can hardly tell you've got a boat in there at all.
06:59Where are your supplies?
07:00Your gear?
07:01You don't seem to be in any hurry to get underway.
07:04Well, uh, well...
07:05We sort of hate to leave, sir.
07:06This place will become like a second home to us.
07:08That's right, Captain.
07:09We love it here.
07:09Yeah, yeah, yeah.
07:10That's right, sir.
07:11Yes, sir.
07:13You know, Mikhail, I really must say,
07:16this is the most amazing job of camouflage
07:19that I've ever seen in all my years in the service.
07:21Oh?
07:22Well, you can hardly tell it, is it?
07:29Mikhail, your boat, isn't it?
07:35Oh.
07:36I mean, it isn't.
07:37Of course it isn't, sir.
07:39Uh, two of my men have it up for repair, sir.
07:41Yes, sir.
07:41It has.
07:43Oh.
07:44Well, then you're in trouble.
07:46Oh?
07:46You know there's a regulation against taking a boat out
07:49without a commissioned officer aboard?
07:51Oh, I beg your pardon, sir,
07:52but I believe the commander Mikhail was acting within his proper authority.
07:55Oh, yes.
07:55You see, in the case of an emergency...
07:57Shut up.
07:58Now, since you bring it up, mister,
08:01what is this emergency that you refer to?
08:04Oh, well, the, uh, the emergency.
08:06Uh, you remember...
08:08Oh, well, sir, you see,
08:11there, there were a couple of spark plugs missing, spark plugs.
08:14Uh, spark plugs, that's right, sir.
08:16Spark plugs.
08:17Uh, spark plugs.
08:18Do you consider that to be an emergency?
08:21Well, uh, uh...
08:22Well, now, sir, there, there were other things missing.
08:24Uh-huh.
08:24That's right.
08:25The pain in the wheel is...
08:26Oh, out with it, Mikhail,
08:30Oh, and this time, you'd better make it good.
08:35Well, well, uh, uh...
08:36Well, the truth of the matter is, sir,
08:38that, uh, well, we decided we don't feel like going to New Caledonia, sir.
08:42Oh?
08:43Yes, uh, Carpenter and the 116 need the rest more than we do, sir.
08:47We're happy, sir.
08:48We're all happy.
08:49What's wrong?
08:50Not accepted, Mikhail, negative.
08:53I want the truth.
08:55I want the whole absolute Sunday school truth,
08:59and I'm not going to leave here until I get it.
09:01Now, what happened to your boat?
09:05We lost it.
09:06Oh, Mikhail, for a minute there,
09:30I thought you said you lost your boat.
09:36Oh!
09:39You're a senator.
09:48I see.
09:52How did it happen, Mikhail?
09:55Was it an air raid?
09:57Maybe it was a Japanese convoy.
10:00Hmm?
10:01Oh, now, I'll bet it was a German submarine.
10:04No, sir.
10:05No, sir, not in combat.
10:07Uh, we just lost it.
10:10We put it someplace, and we couldn't find it.
10:15Well, you just managed to get yourself kicked out of the Navy, Mikhail.
10:20Oh?
10:21You're through.
10:23Through!
10:24And your men are through.
10:25Oh, I'm going to break this crew of yours so far apart that they'll never be heard from again.
10:32And you, Mikhail, you are going to be back on that broken-down old tub of yours trading coconuts with the natives.
10:41Mr. Parker, he's in your custody, and I want to see him in my office in one hour.
10:47And you can tell former Lieutenant Commander Mikhail that he can save himself a lot of time by starting to pack now.
10:56Former Lieutenant Commander Mikhail, you can save yourself a lot of time.
11:01Oh, shut up.
11:10Skipper, don't let Binghamton push you around.
11:12When Virgil shows up with the boat, we'll send you a flash.
11:14Stall the captain as long as you can.
11:16We'll be rooting for you.
11:19So long, Skipper.
11:19Oh, the Navy sure is chicken.
11:29Making such a fuss about one lousy PT boat.
11:32It's also a shame.
11:33We got plenty of PT boats out there.
11:35Yeah, but none of them are ours.
11:37Hey, fellas, what's the difference between any of those other PTs and ours?
11:41Our scarce beer cans and number two torpedo team.
11:44Think I keep his comic books in armor case.
11:47Willie, if we had a boat,
11:49could you paint the number 73 on it?
11:51Oh, sure.
11:52I know the whole alphabet.
11:54I mean, I mean, if this boat already had a different number on it,
11:57could you sort of, uh...
11:58Brilliant, Gru, brilliant!
11:59Hey, do you think it'll work?
12:00Oh, it's got to.
12:02I'd never last on submarine duty.
12:03I like to sleep with the windows open.
12:14Chuck, you're an expert on regulations.
12:16Just exactly what can Binghamton do to me?
12:18Well, I don't know, sir.
12:19They've never written a regulation for misplacing a boat.
12:24But there are other statutes that apply.
12:26Huh?
12:27Sure.
12:28There's negligence and conduct of becoming an officer.
12:31And dereliction of duty.
12:33Okay, okay.
12:34In other words, the old goat has enough on me to get me kicked out of the Navy.
12:39Not necessarily.
12:40No, sir.
12:41I'm sure he wouldn't do that.
12:42He wouldn't?
12:43No, sir.
12:44There's a matter of restitution.
12:47Restitution?
12:48Yes, sir.
12:49You see, since the boat was lost outside of the line of duty, but still under your command,
12:54you're obliged to pay for it.
12:55Oh, no!
12:58Get Lieutenant Carpenter over here right away.
13:00Yes, sir.
13:01Parker, I want you in my office.
13:03I'm going to need some statements from you on those forms.
13:05Yes, sir.
13:06Oh, McHale, I've got some forms that you've never even heard of.
13:14I'm really going to make this one stick.
13:17Huh?
13:18Oh.
13:31Commander, Gruber says to tell you that P.T. Boat 73 is ready
13:35and that we can leave for a new Caledonia at a moment's notice, whenever you're ready, sir.
13:40Oh, hey, you found the boat?
13:42Chris Eckert kissed you.
13:43Where was it?
13:43What happened?
13:44Gruber says to tell you that the boat was never really lost, sir.
13:47It was over at maintenance.
13:48And, well, sir, we just forgot to tell you.
13:51Maintenance?
13:51But Virgil said that, uh...
13:54You mean there's a boat out there now?
13:59A P.T. boat that belongs to us?
14:03P.T. 73?
14:04That's right, sir.
14:05P.T. boat 73 is ready to stand inspection.
14:09Anyone's inspection.
14:13Well, Christy, tell the men I'm proud of them.
14:16And tell them to stand by while I straighten out a few things in the office.
14:20With Captain Bly.
14:22Come in.
14:29Uh, Captain?
14:31Oh, it's you, McHale.
14:32I thought I was Carpenter.
14:33You wait outside until I'm through these forms.
14:36I want to be sure that I close every loophole.
14:39Loophole's about what, sir?
14:40You'll know darn well about what.
14:43Oh, I'm enjoying this, McHale.
14:46I'm enjoying this more than our last three USO shows combined.
14:51Captain, I have some very good news for you.
14:54My boat wasn't really lost.
14:55It was just a misunderstanding, sir.
14:57Well, you can tell all that to the court-martial board whenever they did.
15:03What do you mean it wasn't really lost?
15:05Well, sir, my man just forgot to tell me.
15:07The machinist may have had it over at maintenance, sir.
15:10Are you trying to tell me that you found your boat?
15:12Yes, sir.
15:13All ship-shaped and ready to go.
15:15Yippee!
15:16Sir?
15:21McHale, there's something fishy here.
15:24No, sir.
15:25Nothing fishy at all.
15:27Just human, human error.
15:28Sorry to put you in all this trouble, sir.
15:30Do you want me to tear up these forms, sir?
15:32Definitely not!
15:34I want those forms filed away.
15:38I'll get to use them yet.
15:40Well then, sir, if everything's under control,
15:42we'll be on our way to New Caledonia.
15:43Oh, no, you won't.
15:45You think I've taken leave of my senses?
15:49Carpenter and the 116 are going to New Caledonia.
15:52Oh, Captain!
15:53You're lucky you and your mob of hooligans aren't going to the brig.
16:01Lieutenant Carpenter out there yet?
16:03Yes, sir, he's here.
16:04Send him in.
16:06New Caledonia, indeed.
16:08Why, you're not even in the same league with Carpenter.
16:14In my book, he's real Navy.
16:20Lieutenant Carpenter reporting as ordered, sir.
16:22Carpenter, I've got good news for you.
16:35There's been a change in plans.
16:36McHale is not going to New Caledonia with the Montalier parts.
16:40You are.
16:41Me, sir?
16:42Yes, you.
16:43What's the matter with you?
16:44Don't you want to go to New Caledonia?
16:46Yes, very much, sir, but I'm afraid we won't be able to.
16:51You won't be able to?
16:53Why the devil not?
16:55We lost our boat.
16:56We lost our boat.
17:06You lost your boat?
17:07Yes, for a little while ago.
17:09I can't understand how it could have happened, sir.
17:12Why don't you ask McHale?
17:13He lost his boat, too.
17:14Well, we found ours, sir.
17:16When?
17:17Just a little while ago.
17:18Why am I running here?
17:19Get out of my way.
17:22Is this a Navy or is this a lost and found appointment?
17:26I could just scream.
17:30What am I going to do with you?
17:34Well, you already have the forms made out, sir.
17:36Why don't you just...
17:37We'll be along, mister.
17:40Can't you see the canvas, Missy?
17:41Uh, if you want us, sir, we'll be down by our boat, sir.
17:46Yes, sir.
17:46Bye-bye, sir.
17:47Bye.
17:50Pick up those forms.
17:54Dirty up that bridge a little more.
17:56I's never looked that clean.
17:57Well, how we coming?
17:58Ah, great.
18:00It looks just like the old 73.
18:02Willie, how's the paint?
18:03It's dry.
18:05That a boy.
18:05Uh-oh.
18:06Here come some officers.
18:07Keep alert, man.
18:08Look sloppy.
18:09Mr. Skipper.
18:10I didn't recognize him in a Sunday go to meet and dance.
18:12You guys.
18:13Why'd you grab Carpenter's boat?
18:15Beggars can't be choosers.
18:17We never saw a top of a SOGI.
18:18Shoot.
18:19At least it brought us a little time.
18:22Dry, huh?
18:22Yeah.
18:23Blew him with an acetylene torch.
18:25Oh, good.
18:26Because I have a sneaky hunch that Bingham told me by any second to check us out.
18:29Oh, holy cow, Skipper.
18:31Look.
18:32We found our boat.
18:37No, now we got two of them.
18:40Come on.
18:45Get out of here.
18:49Get out of here.
18:51Get away.
18:52Skipper, we found the boat.
18:54Hey, look.
18:54We got it.
18:55We got it.
18:55We're going to lose it again.
18:56Lose it?
18:57What are you talking about?
18:58You're chowder heads.
18:59Can't you see?
18:59We got twins.
19:00Boys, you have to find us.
19:01We're dead.
19:01Get this crummy boat out of here.
19:03But it's our boat, the 73.
19:05From now on, it's the 116 stock painting and get it out of here.
19:08Yeah, well, what do you want us to do with it, Skipper?
19:09I don't care.
19:10Just go dump it somewhere.
19:12Anywhere.
19:12Just dump it before Binghamton spots it.
19:15Get out of here.
19:16Go on.
19:17Go.
19:18Come on.
19:18Begging your pardon, sir, but have you given any thoughts of the coincidence involved here?
19:26Coincidence?
19:27Yes, sir.
19:28We seem to have lost our boat at almost the exact moment McHale was finding his.
19:32You're not inferring that he's...
19:35I have given it some thought, sir.
19:37I would like to check it out before I make a direct accusation.
19:39But I wouldn't be a bit surprised if the boat McHale has now is my boat.
19:43You know, Carpenter, I must be slowing down.
19:57Now that you mention it, I wouldn't be a bit surprised either.
20:01That boat stealing, that ought to be enough to put McHale away for the duration.
20:08Open that door.
20:13You think this is your boat, Carpenter?
20:21Oh, no, sir.
20:21No, sir.
20:21Certainly not.
20:22This couldn't belong to anybody but McHale.
20:25Yes.
20:25Not in there.
20:26Yes.
20:27Well, hello, Captain.
20:29Lieutenant.
20:30Oh, what a real pleasure.
20:31Welcome aboard, sir.
20:33All right, Carpenter.
20:35McHale, get this.
20:37This garbage scow off of my base.
20:40Get back to your island.
20:41Garbage, huh?
20:42Well, it is a little untidy, isn't it, Captain?
20:46All right, men.
20:47Take down the scrub and wash clothes and prepare to get underway.
20:50All right, you heard it, Scavel.
20:51Let's move it.
20:52Permission to leave, sir?
20:53Permission, Garry.
20:54Thank you very much, sir.
20:56Captain, look.
20:57I think that's my boat.
21:01I say, you're right.
21:03That does look like the 116, doesn't it?
21:06It is my boat.
21:07We've got it back.
21:12Our admiral at Naval Reserve used to tell us every day is like this.
21:16Sir, we found the boat.
21:32That's wonderful.
21:33Where was it, Burns?
21:34At the fuel tanks.
21:35We received a phone call saying, come pick it up.
21:37And when we got over there, there was.
21:40I can't understand, though.
21:40Good work, mister.
21:41The important thing is, we got it back.
21:43Now, Carpenter, are you sure that this is your boat?
21:47No doubt about it, sir.
21:48I trust you can see the difference.
21:51You're ready to leave for New Caledonia.
21:53I run a proper boat, Captain.
21:54I'm sure you know that.
21:55My machine guns are always loaded.
21:57My torpedoes are always primed.
22:12What is this, Carpenter?
22:14Some new sort of depth charge?
22:16It looks like a beer can to me, sir.
22:20Yeah?
22:20Didn't the torpedo go?
22:22Shocking.
22:23Shocking, sir.
22:24Why, it wouldn't surprise me if they had comic books in the ammo cases.
22:30They do have comic books in the ammo cases.
22:33Hey, Mighty Mouse.
22:35What the devil have you got in there?
22:41Pretzels?
22:46But, Captain, I swear I...
22:54Carpenter, you just stand there at attention.
22:56At attention?
22:58Shut your mouth.
22:59Don't open it until I tell you to speak.
23:01I swear, never in my entire career have I had so much trouble trying to send a crew on a vacation to New Caledonia.
23:11McHale, are you still ready to go?
23:13Yes, sir!
23:14Well, then go.
23:16Go, go, go.
23:17Go and get out of my sight for seven days before something else comes up to make me change my mind.
23:23Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, sir!
23:28Sir, aye, aye!
23:33Open it.
23:35Don't say another word.
23:37What do you think the cat will do us when we get back, Skipper?
23:55Yeah, it beats me.
23:56But in the meanwhile, we're going to have seven glorious, beautiful days and nights in New Caledonia.
24:03What?
24:04Groover, bring out the beer, buddy.
24:07Right.
24:09Hey, Skipper, we forgot.
24:11This is Carpenter's boat.
24:12Torpedo tube's got nothing but torpedoes in them.
24:15Oh, no!
24:16What's the matter with you goofboats?
24:18Do I have to do all the things in my throat?
24:20Have you ever heard of anything like this before?
24:23I've sailed these islands for over 20 years, and I've always been with a footballer.
24:28You!
24:34Do I have to do all the things in my throat?
24:38I'mento?
24:40Hey, I stayed.
24:42I have to do a thing.
24:43Low-IGH-tropor, I have to do a thing.
24:45No!
24:46cero is a trap.
24:47Yeah, and I have to do it.
24:49I have to do it.
24:50I have to do it.
24:51I have to do it.
24:53I have to do it for me.
24:54How do you think the cat is?
24:56Well, it's the right thing you can do.
24:58And you can come time with me to handle the spikes.
24:59Here you are.
25:00¶¶
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