- 16 hours ago
Ted Knight was famous for his role on Mary Tyler Moore Show. Only Georgia Engel from the series joined to roast him. This roast even featured Renee Richards.
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00:00The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.
00:24Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Ziegfeld Room, tonight's star-studded roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.
00:33They've come from all over the world to be here tonight.
00:36Here in Las Vegas, in person, joining Dean Martin as he honors tonight's very special man of the hour, Ted Knight.
00:45With tonight's guests...
01:15Jimmy Walker, Scatman Crothers, Jack Carter, Orson Welles, Kelly Monteith, your roast master, Dean Martin, and tonight's man of the hour, Ted Knight.
01:32Although you all know our guest of honor as Ted Knight, he was born of Polish parents, and his real name is...
01:51Ted Wurtz-Walditski-Kanok-popka.
01:57Let me spell it.
01:59It's T-A-D-E-W-U-R-Z-W-L-A-D-Z-U-I-K-O-N-O-T-K-A.
02:13Ted grew up in Terryville, Connecticut, and life wasn't easy for this poor Polish kid.
02:26Every morning he got up in the cold New England winters and walked five miles to school and five miles back at night.
02:36Why he did this, we'll never know.
02:39Because the school was right next door to his house.
02:41And in 1944, Ted was the first G.I. to attack Berlin.
02:54And believe me, Irving wasn't too happy about it.
03:05He joined a dramatic group in Hartford, Connecticut.
03:08Yet, not only did Ted get bad reviews, but Hartford canceled his life insurance.
03:17In spite of everything, he has no friends.
03:22He's so lonesome.
03:25I could die.
03:26Last week, he bought two CB radios so he could talk to himself.
03:38Yeah, people ask me, where are the new comedians coming from?
03:43Well, this one is coming from my left.
03:45Very funny guy.
03:50The star of television's Good Times, Mr. Jimmy Walker.
03:53Thank you, Dean.
04:11Well, here I am, the black prince, honoring the Ted Knight, the white knight.
04:15A lot of demons are saying that Ted was of Polish descent.
04:22And Polish people are really very proud of Ted.
04:25He's just received the highest Polish award last year called the Golden Sausage Award
04:30for being Poland's joke of the year.
04:33Ted's a funny guy, man.
04:38In fact, he told me he plans to continue in showbiz after Mary Tyler Moore goes off the air.
04:44Doesn't know what he'll do after the gong show, though.
04:49And Ted, as you can see right here, has a magnificent head of gray hair.
04:53I mean, it is really beautiful.
04:54And inside every silver lining, there is a cloud.
05:02An insurance company wanted to use Ted's head as their trademark to go along with their slogan.
05:07Get a piece of the rock.
05:10A lot of people say that Ted's dumb.
05:11He's not that dumb.
05:12In fact, a psychiatrist just gave Ted one of those experimental IQ tests.
05:16Ted did so well, they said they're going to try it on mice.
05:19And Ted's versatile voice, as we all know when Ted speaks,
05:27Ted has a great voice that enables him to do many voiceovers and many movies.
05:30And few people know that Ted was the famous Francis the Talking Mule.
05:35And critics have said that Ted made the perfect ass.
05:49Funny, wonderful man, Mr. Harvey Cohen.
06:07You know, I'm really glad to be here.
06:09I'm always amazed to come here to the great MGM Grand Hotel.
06:12I mean, I can't believe this.
06:13It has a pool.
06:14It has a movie theater.
06:15A highlight place.
06:16An entire shopping center.
06:18Five restaurants and over 2,100 rooms covering over 2.5 million square feet.
06:24Can you imagine that?
06:25All that space.
06:27And Dean sleeps on a cot behind the bar.
06:35You know, in fact, it doesn't really sound right for Ted Knight to have a roast.
06:40Does it?
06:40I mean, it should be like a fish fry or something.
06:45Now, it is true.
06:46He is a wonderful guy, but Ted is a little tight with money.
06:49This is true.
06:49And he has a very ingenious way of writing his home off as a business expense.
06:55First of all, it's a church.
06:59Ted, you do have a great way of cutting corners.
07:01Really, he invites 20 people over for dinner, for instance.
07:04And he makes dinner for 10.
07:06See?
07:06And you start off the evening with a rousing game of musical food.
07:17He serves two types of wine with his dinner.
07:19You have the 30 cents a glass and the 40 cents a glass.
07:22I had two cocktails before dinner.
07:25I wanted to have a third one.
07:27I really wanted a cocktail.
07:27But I ran out of dimes for the vending machine.
07:31Actually, I didn't run out of dimes.
07:32I wanted to save a dime in case I had to go to the bathroom.
07:38Well, what am I talking about?
07:40Look at me.
07:40I'm doing a roast for Ted Knight.
07:42You'll get it.
07:43Shows you how far I've slipped.
07:50Anyway, before I go, I want you to know that really, seriously, I want to tell you that it took great personal sacrifice for me to come here and appear on this roast tonight.
08:00I was truly hoping and praying that I could go through my whole life without ever meeting Ted Knight again.
08:13Ladies and gentlemen, Julie McWhirth.
08:25But listen, the reason that I'm here tonight, Ted, is because so many of your good television friends couldn't be with you due to a very important previous commitment.
08:46They're attending a Tupperware party at Paul Lynn's house.
08:49But I'm here to tell you what they would have said had they been able to be here.
08:56Now, Rhoda would have said,
08:58Hey, this is terrific.
09:00Me on a Dean Martin roast.
09:07Listen, Ted, my kid sister Brenda wants to add her congratulations on this most auspacious, on this auspiche, on this terrific evening here.
09:17Go ahead, Brynn, speak to the creep.
09:19Oh, wow, Raul.
09:26Don't be so hard on Ted.
09:29Frankly, he appeals to me in a strange sort of way.
09:38Listen, there's someone else here, Ted, who would like to add her good wishes.
09:42Go ahead, Georgette.
09:44Hi, Teddy, girl.
09:58I'm so happy to see you're having such a big night.
10:02On the show, you and I've been married for quite a while.
10:07And I've never had a big night.
10:09So here he is, a guy with a comedy style that's really off the wall.
10:32I don't know what that means, but here he is, Jackie Mason.
10:43How do you do?
10:44You probably noticed I'm not wearing a tuxedo because I'll be honest with you.
10:47He said, I don't believe in this show.
10:49I didn't want to be here.
10:51I'm sorry I showed up.
10:54I don't know Ted Knight.
10:55I never liked Ted Knight.
10:56I met Ted Knight before the show.
11:02He said, hello.
11:02I wasn't too crazy about it.
11:03He looked at me.
11:07He told me he's Polish.
11:09I don't believe it.
11:09Polish people don't look like that.
11:16I'm not going to make fun of the Polish people because I love the Polish people.
11:18My best friend is a guy half Polish, half Jewish.
11:22He's a janitor, but he owns the building.
11:23But I don't judge a man by his religion.
11:34I don't judge a man by his color, like J.J. Walker.
11:36He's a wonderful kid.
11:37God bless him.
11:38I won't say a word against him.
11:39I don't say against anything black.
11:41A black person I don't pick on because this is their season.
11:48I see a black guy today.
11:49I give him everything.
11:50Even if he don't want it, I say, go ahead.
11:54If he don't want it, I buy him something.
12:00I got into a taxi today.
12:01I saw a black driver.
12:02I said, do me a favor.
12:02Take me wherever you want.
12:03I'll go over here.
12:04I'm paying tribute to a guy I don't like.
12:14I'm taking a big chance, and J.J. Walker pays tribute to him, too.
12:17How do you know?
12:19How do you know how he feels about black people?
12:21Most people who look like him don't even bother with black people.
12:25That's right.
12:26Did you ever come to dinner to a guy who looks like this in his house?
12:29Don't lie.
12:30You never did.
12:31So why are you paying tribute to him?
12:33Did your wife ever say to you, guess who's coming to dinner?
12:41I took chances.
12:42I said whatever I wanted.
12:43You know why?
12:43Because I know Dean Martin doesn't even know I showed up.
12:45Well, ladies and gentlemen, from the bottom of my heart, I want to wish myself the very
12:51best of everything.
12:56I want to tell you that night, you know, everybody likes to finish these monologues by telling
13:00you that they were kidding, they were sorry, they picked on you.
13:02I wasn't kidding.
13:03I meant every word I said.
13:04Well, you wanted him, you got him, and you can have him, the beautiful Mr. Red Button.
13:29So why is this man getting a dinner, ladies and gentlemen, when some of the biggest people
13:44in the history of the world never got a dinner?
13:50King Solomon, King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, for better service, take
14:01a number.
14:05Never got a dinner.
14:11Socrates, Socrates, who said when he drank the cup of hemlock, are you sure this is just
14:19the Pepsi test?
14:26Bert Park's wife.
14:32Zelda.
14:34Zelda Parks, who said to Bert when he returned from Atlanta City, do you mean to tell me this
14:42is the only job you could get the whole year?
14:46Never got a dinner.
14:49Norman Lear.
14:56Norman Lear.
14:57Yes, Norman Lear, who once said to Pope Paul, if you should ever decide to do a series.
15:06Better got a dinner.
15:08Betty Ford, who said to Rosalind Carter, no, there are no cockroaches in the kitchen.
15:27Salome, who said to her servant, when he brought her the head of John the Baptist on a trade,
15:33for this, she used a good silver.
15:40Amelia Earhart, who once said, stop looking for me, see if you can find my luggage.
15:47Never got a dinner.
16:05Never got a dinner.
16:05Oh, our next guest, La Wanda Pace.
16:29So, let's give this gal a great big hand, because she is beautiful.
16:35Wonderful.
16:42Thank you, Dean.
16:48You know, folks, it's so nice being a television personality.
16:59Not only do I like having people recognize me when I'm walking down the street, but I don't
17:06have to do floors anymore, which means when he falls down, I don't have to pick him up.
17:14You can pick me up anytime, baby.
17:17Back off, you hot hunky.
17:22You touch me, baby, and George Foreman will stop by your house one night and sit on your car
17:28with you in it, but it's a real thrill to be here tonight, standing between this Polish
17:41loser and this Italian loser.
17:46But truly, it's a real pleasure for me to meet you, because although I've seen your show
17:55on TV a lot of times, but I've never met you in person, man, are you white.
18:11And let me tell you another thing.
18:12You're more than just white.
18:15You're five feet, ten inches worth of chalk.
18:19Which means that we could make a terrific team, because everybody knows that chalk goes
18:24good with a blackboard, honey.
18:28Don't you mean black broad?
18:32That's a board.
18:34Boy, cool it, you Sicilian sex machine.
18:42And besides, I want to make a move, because I'm sick of Red Fox calling me ugly.
18:48I hear what you're saying, Jimmy Walker.
18:50I am not ugly.
18:51I've just picked an unusual way of being beautiful.
18:54Orson Welles came in tonight with a cute little blonde on his arm, Paul Williams.
19:18One of the most prolific and important songwriters in the country today.
19:29This is a great man, Mr. Paul Williams.
19:32I was sitting over here, just kind of a swell little guy, kind of minding his own business
19:50on my pile of telephone books.
19:52Ted sings.
19:58Not really.
19:59He kind of produces a sound, really.
20:02It's not a singing.
20:04I think he gets it from rubbing his hind legs together.
20:12But he has a giant heart, and I must tell you that, you know, it may not be funny, but
20:17it's honest, and from all of us, you mean nothing, Ted.
20:20Ladies and gentlemen, one of Hollywood's most distinguished talents, Ed Asner.
20:36Thank you, Dean.
20:49Thank you very, very much.
20:52Perhaps you're wondering why Mary Tyler Moore isn't here tonight.
20:57You see, we tossed a coin, and I lost.
21:03Now, I have always found that Polish jokes are in poor taste, till I met Ted.
21:21It's been seven years I've had to live with this man.
21:25It's been hard and toilsome, but I've enjoyed every minute of it.
21:33Well, almost every minute of it.
21:37And I just want to say thanks.
21:40Mr. Ed Asner, ladies and gentlemen.
21:54Everybody knows Ted Knight plays a TV anchorman on the Mary Tyler Moore show, but you may not
22:01know Ted was a TV reporter in his hometown for real.
22:06With us tonight, a newscaster who worked with Ted, now the owner of KTER in Terryville, Connecticut.
22:17Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Foster Hinkle.
22:20Thank you very much.
22:35Well, Ted,
23:02I guess your old TV home
23:03hometown TV station
23:06looks small.
23:07Small to you now.
23:09As a matter of fact, it is.
23:12We didn't have a big audience.
23:15Most of the time,
23:16the pigeons wouldn't even
23:17sit on our antenna.
23:21We still are, still,
23:22we still,
23:23we still sign off
23:27around nine o'clock.
23:29Most folks turn off
23:30before that.
23:33Ted and I were quite
23:38unused team.
23:40He was, he was green,
23:41but he was, he was,
23:43he was eager.
23:45I'd read the football scores
23:47and Ted would just stand there
23:48waving his palm.
23:50I broke him in slow.
23:56His first assignment was,
23:58I believe,
23:59was to cover a fire.
24:01Remember, Ted?
24:03By the time,
24:04he found a place
24:05a fire was out.
24:08That didn't bother Ted,
24:09he started it again.
24:10Like everybody,
24:18Ted has had
24:19his share of problems.
24:21When World War II
24:23broke out,
24:25he had a terrible experience
24:27with U.S. Army.
24:29They took him.
24:31A lot of you
24:36have been making jokes
24:37about Ted's,
24:38about Ted's,
24:40about how dumb Ted is.
24:44But I don't agree,
24:45because once,
24:46while working for,
24:47for a newspaper,
24:49Ted printed an article
24:50saying that the man
24:51was,
24:52was dead.
24:54Next day,
24:55the man called
24:56and was very much alive
24:58and demanded
24:59that Ted
25:00read,
25:01retract the statement.
25:04Ted told him,
25:05our newspaper
25:05never retracts.
25:08But I can
25:09put you in the
25:10birth column tomorrow
25:11and give you
25:11a fresh story.
25:21He's a beautiful
25:23human being,
25:24a wonderful
25:25pal of mine,
25:27and I love him,
25:29Mr. Jimmy Stewart.
25:50You know,
25:51many of you here
25:52recognize
25:52Ted Knight
25:54as a talented actor.
25:56many of you,
25:58I'd say more than that,
25:59but maybe a whole
26:00bunch of you
26:01recognize him.
26:04But has anyone
26:05recognized this man
26:07as a dedicated actor?
26:10No.
26:11Well,
26:13if you look it up
26:19in your old
26:20Funkin'
26:20Wagnall,
26:21you'll find
26:24you'll find that
26:24the first meaning
26:26of the word
26:28dedicated
26:28is
26:29to be committed.
26:35Another definition
26:37of dedicated
26:38is ardent,
26:40persistent,
26:41willing
26:41to do anything
26:42for what you believe.
26:45Back in 1965,
26:46we were making
26:47a Civil War picture
26:49called
26:50Shenandoah,
26:51and in those days,
26:53Ted believed
26:53he was a great actor.
26:55Now,
26:56Shenandoah was
26:57a story about
26:58a Confederate family
26:59that was torn
27:00by the war,
27:01and I played
27:02the part of a father
27:03with six young sons,
27:05and we were casting
27:06for the juveniles,
27:08and Ted Knight
27:09bounced in.
27:11And at first,
27:12I thought maybe
27:13he was going to
27:14try out
27:14half of the part
27:15of General Robert E. Lee,
27:17but I should have
27:19guessed otherwise
27:20for two reasons.
27:21One,
27:22his hair
27:23was jet black.
27:25He just reeked
27:26of Grecian formula.
27:32When I pointed out
27:33that the role
27:35called for a teenager,
27:37he admitted
27:37that he was
27:38looking forward
27:39to his 20th birthday,
27:40and before I could
27:42tell him
27:42that he was facing
27:43in the wrong direction,
27:45he whipped out
27:47a scrapbook
27:48full of what he said
27:50were rave stage reviews,
27:52and they might have been
27:53rave stage reviews.
27:56I just never
27:58could read Polish.
28:02He confessed
28:03that he hadn't
28:05had an acting job
28:06in, oh, three years,
28:09so when I asked him
28:10why he didn't give up acting,
28:11he said,
28:13how can I?
28:14It's my living.
28:20So when he got up
28:22to leave,
28:23I gave him
28:24some advice.
28:25I told him
28:26to just act natural,
28:28just be himself,
28:31and to this day,
28:32that's just what he is.
28:35And I'm sorry, Ted,
28:38that was the worst advice
28:39I ever gave him.
28:54Ladies and gentlemen,
28:56a real, real
28:57down-to-earth entertainer,
28:59a great guy,
29:01Scatman Crudder.
29:03And it's high time
29:15that I met
29:16Ted Knight face-to-face
29:18because for years
29:20I used to go
29:20with his sister,
29:21Gladys.
29:23I was one of
29:24her first pips.
29:24You see,
29:30I do know
29:30a whole lot
29:31about Ted.
29:32As a garbage man,
29:34you really want
29:34to find out
29:35about a cat
29:35that got to
29:36check his trash
29:37because you are
29:39what you throw out.
29:41And Ted has been
29:42thrown out
29:43in more place
29:43than anybody.
29:48Now,
29:49everybody knows
29:49that Ted
29:50is pretty conceited,
29:52but it takes
29:53the garbage man
29:53to find out
29:54just how conceited
29:55you really are.
29:57Now,
29:57you see,
29:57most people
29:58put their addresses
29:59on their garbage can.
30:01This cat's got
30:01his picture.
30:06Tell you what else
30:07I found
30:07in this cat's trash can.
30:09A learner's permit
30:10for a sex therapy course.
30:16Ted,
30:17this man
30:17has got
30:18some ugly trash.
30:20I ain't had
30:22nothing that ugly
30:22on my truck
30:23since I picked up
30:24LaWanda Page
30:25at a bus stop.
30:31Don't worry.
30:32I'll take LaWanda
30:33back to room
30:34right after dinner
30:35in a doggy bag.
30:44You're a fine actor
30:46and a wonderful man,
30:47Mr. Gavin McClough.
30:50Well, Ted,
31:01I can't deny
31:03and no one else here
31:03can deny
31:04that you're a famous man.
31:05I mean,
31:06I see your picture
31:07on magazine covers.
31:08I see you
31:09on talk shows.
31:11You know,
31:11he's even on display
31:12at the Hollywood
31:13Wax Museum.
31:15Get there early.
31:16He leaves at nine.
31:17If you miss him,
31:22go over to
31:22Grauman's Chinese Theater.
31:24They have his footprints
31:24in Silly Putty.
31:30Well,
31:31I've said a lot of things
31:32about Ted
31:33in our newsroom
31:34on the show.
31:35But there's one thing
31:36I've never said.
31:38I'll miss you
31:39when you're not around.
31:41You are full of joy,
31:45love,
31:47wonder,
31:47and I like you.
31:50You have made
31:51the past seven years
31:53for me
31:54personally
31:55boring.
31:58Ladies and gentlemen,
32:11one of my
32:11very favorite people
32:13and one of the prettiest,
32:15Miss Georgia Engel.
32:17Whenever I'm on
32:29these roasts,
32:30they ask me
32:31to think of
32:32some really rough
32:33singers,
32:34but I'm not so good
32:35and I can't think
32:36of anything zingy.
32:38So once again,
32:39the staff gave me
32:40some mean things
32:41to say about
32:42the guests
32:43here on the dais.
32:44Some slams,
32:46some heavy hits,
32:47and some
32:48put-down shtick.
32:49Okay?
32:50Here's the first rap.
32:53I'm glad to see
32:54Jimmy Walker
32:55of Good Times
32:55here tonight.
32:57Have you ever
32:58seen a body
32:58so skinny?
33:00Do you know
33:01he entered
33:01the Mr. America
33:02contest
33:03and they took away
33:04his citizenship?
33:08Is that a zinger?
33:09Yeah,
33:10you really
33:10wiped him out,
33:12boy.
33:13Oh, my goodness.
33:14I'm sorry,
33:15Mr. Walker.
33:16I didn't mean
33:17to say that.
33:18I saw you
33:19this morning
33:20at the hotel pool
33:21in your bathing
33:22trunks,
33:22and you shouldn't
33:23worry about
33:23how you look.
33:25There are at least
33:25two or three
33:26other fellas
33:27who looked
33:27almost as bad
33:28as you do.
33:31Here's my next singer.
33:34There's Red Buttons
33:35over there.
33:36It's really amazing.
33:38Red's hair
33:39looks the same
33:40today as it did
33:4130 years ago.
33:43Died.
33:43Why did you make
33:47me say a thing
33:47like that,
33:48Mr. Dutton?
33:50Your hair
33:50looks very natural
33:52to me,
33:53especially the
33:54great part
33:54that you missed.
33:59I'm glad to see
34:00Paul Williams
34:01sitting on the
34:02dais.
34:03He's the only
34:04one here
34:05whose hair
34:05is longer
34:06than he is.
34:07I shouldn't
34:13pick on you
34:13like that,
34:14Mr. Williams.
34:15After all,
34:16you're a giant
34:17in your fields,
34:18even if you
34:19happen to be
34:19a short giant.
34:24And now,
34:27we come to
34:28our guest of honor,
34:29my very good
34:30friend,
34:31Ted Knight.
34:33Ted Knight
34:34is really
34:35a success.
34:36one of the
34:36toy companies
34:37is coming
34:38out with
34:38a Ted Knight
34:39doll.
34:39You wind it
34:40up and the
34:41head gets
34:41bigger.
34:49You know I
34:50never would
34:51have said
34:51that,
34:52Teddy Bear.
34:53Ted and I
34:54have been
34:54working together
34:55for five
34:56years now,
34:57and I know
34:58his head
34:58couldn't get
34:59any bigger.
35:06I hope I
35:06haven't said
35:06anything bad
35:07about anybody.
35:08That's it
35:08for the
35:09singers.
35:09ladies and
35:23gentlemen,
35:24here is one
35:24of the
35:24brightest
35:25young
35:25comedians
35:25in nightclubs
35:26and television
35:27today,
35:28Mr. Kelly
35:28Monteith.
35:39Always had a
35:40pleasure to be
35:40in Vegas,
35:41the gambling
35:41capital of the
35:42world.
35:42Actually,
35:42it's the tipping
35:42capital of the
35:43world,
35:43which you
35:43probably know.
35:44You tip for
35:44everything up
35:45here,
35:45right?
35:45Go crazy.
35:46People knock
35:47on your door.
35:48Sun's up.
35:48Here's a dollar.
35:49But I
35:55appreciate being
35:55invited up here
35:56to honor this
35:57man,
35:57Mr. Ted
35:58Knight.
35:58Fine man.
35:59They've been
36:00joking about
36:00your Polish
36:01ancestry all
36:01night,
36:02which I
36:02really admire
36:03and I really
36:03respect in
36:04somebody,
36:04because I
36:04really have
36:05no ethnic
36:05background in
36:06a sense.
36:06I'm Scots
36:07Irish,
36:08although I
36:08have no
36:08real sense
36:09of ethnic
36:10identity.
36:10You know,
36:10I wasn't
36:11raised in a
36:11strong ethnic
36:12environment.
36:13There was no
36:13Irish spoken
36:14around the
36:14house.
36:15A little
36:15Scotch now
36:16and then,
36:16but that's
36:17about it.
36:19Because I
36:22know the
36:22road to
36:22success you
36:23took was
36:23very difficult.
36:23Ted's a
36:24very successful
36:24television star
36:25now,
36:25which is a
36:26very difficult
36:26thing to
36:27do.
36:27You know,
36:27it sounds
36:27easy,
36:28but it's
36:28very hard
36:29to make
36:30success in
36:30this business.
36:31It requires
36:31an immense
36:31amount of
36:31persistence
36:32and determination.
36:34Get to
36:34the job and
36:35work those
36:35terrible little
36:36clubs.
36:36I remember
36:36those clubs
36:37in Lubbock
36:37and Shreveport,
36:38little strip
36:39clubs that you
36:39started out in.
36:40Worked in
36:41one in Georgia
36:41once.
36:42First one I
36:42ever worked.
36:43I walked in,
36:44there was a
36:44guy getting beat
36:44up in a
36:45corner,
36:45first thing I
36:46saw.
36:46Every night
36:47there was a
36:47guy getting
36:47beat up in
36:48the clubs.
36:48House policy,
36:49they just
36:49pull a guy
36:49out and
36:50beat him
36:50up.
36:55Working on
36:56a show with
36:56strippers.
36:57You ever
36:57worked with
36:57strippers?
36:57I'm sure you
36:58must have
36:58worked with
36:58strippers in
36:59those places.
36:59No.
36:59Never did?
37:03I worked
37:04with them,
37:04which I
37:05enjoyed,
37:05actually.
37:06I worked
37:06with one
37:07stripper,
37:07I remember,
37:08that hated
37:08to be called
37:08stripper.
37:09Some of them
37:09didn't like
37:10that word
37:10stripper for
37:10some reason.
37:12I remember
37:12I went
37:12backstage and
37:12I was the
37:13emcee,
37:13I had to
37:14introduce her.
37:14So I asked
37:14her,
37:15I said,
37:15are you the
37:15stripper on
37:15the show?
37:16She got
37:16incensed.
37:17I'm not a
37:17stripper.
37:19You get that
37:19straight right
37:20now,
37:20Buster.
37:20I'm a
37:21dancer,
37:21I'm an
37:21artist.
37:26And I'd
37:26come on,
37:27and they
37:27didn't want
37:27to hear me.
37:28In those
37:28clubs,
37:28they were
37:28all guys,
37:29all men
37:29come in.
37:30They don't
37:30want to
37:30see me.
37:32Something about
37:32those clubs,
37:33boy, when
37:33men change
37:34when they get
37:34in big groups.
37:34I used to
37:35watch them,
37:35the most
37:35sophisticated man
37:36in the world
37:36of walking
37:37that club,
37:37boy, 20
37:37seconds later
37:38to be an
37:38animal.
37:39I want
37:40to see
37:40something
37:40naked.
37:44You're
37:45damn right,
37:45boy, I want
37:46to see a
37:46chicken, a
37:46donkey, a
37:47goat, hell,
37:48I don't care.
37:50As long as
37:51it's naked,
37:51bring it out
37:52here, I'll
37:52look at it.
38:04Ladies and
38:05gentlemen,
38:05the magnificent
38:06awesome rock.
38:07Our guest
38:19of honor
38:19tonight, Ted
38:20Knight, is
38:20a big hit
38:21on the
38:21Mary Tyler
38:22Moore show,
38:22as everybody
38:23knows.
38:23He's also
38:24a realist.
38:26And he
38:26knows that
38:26all good
38:27things must
38:27come to an
38:28end.
38:29Eventually,
38:30the day will
38:30come when
38:30they will
38:31not pay him
38:32$5,000 a
38:33week just
38:33for saying
38:34the words
38:34high wear.
38:35realising
38:37this, Ted
38:38has fixed
38:39a beady
38:39blue eye
38:40on the
38:40future.
38:42It's had
38:43the good
38:43sense to
38:43leave in
38:44my box
38:44at the
38:44hotel desk
38:45a screenplay
38:46of a
38:47Western
38:47movie,
38:48which he
38:48wrote as a
38:49starring vehicle
38:50for himself,
38:51and which he
38:51would like me
38:52to direct.
38:53And actually,
38:54I think Mr. Knight
38:55is not off the
38:55mark much when
38:56he desires to be
38:58a Western
38:58hero.
38:59You know,
39:00traditionally,
39:02some of our
39:02biggest box
39:03office stars
39:04have been
39:04those individuals
39:05with cold,
39:07steely eyes,
39:09exteriors hard
39:10as nails,
39:11and that
39:11lethal ability
39:12to kill.
39:14I'm talking
39:14about people
39:15like John Wayne,
39:16Clint Eastwood,
39:17Barbara Streisand,
39:18any of those
39:18tough guys.
39:22So I decided
39:24for my own
39:25entertainment
39:26to read
39:27Mr. Knight's
39:27Western
39:28besides what
39:30else is there
39:30to do here
39:31in the daytime.
39:34After all,
39:35Las Vegas
39:35is not exactly
39:36the culture
39:37capital of the
39:38world.
39:39Where else
39:40could you find
39:41the famed
39:41statue of
39:42Venus de Milo
39:42with a bronze
39:44plaque that
39:44says,
39:45this broad's
39:46arm was
39:46busted for
39:47not paying
39:47off Bruno
39:48the bookie?
39:52I like that.
39:53The last
39:54scene,
39:55after you're
39:55tragically shot
39:56in a most
39:57horrendous
39:57way,
39:58in the
39:59back.
39:59As they
39:59bury you,
40:00the preacher
40:00reads the
40:01final tribute
40:01over your
40:02remains.
40:04The Ose
40:04Sheriff Knight,
40:05you fought
40:05a good
40:06fight.
40:07But if you're
40:08no longer
40:08alive,
40:08it's all
40:09your own
40:09fault that
40:10you lie
40:10in the
40:10vault,
40:11because you
40:11sat on
40:12your cold
40:1245,
40:13and that
40:13smarts.
40:14who's
40:27going to
40:29laugh at
40:29Mr.
40:30Willie
40:30Tyler and
40:31Lester.
40:31there.
40:40Hey,
40:40by the way,
40:41who's the
40:41dude with
40:42the white
40:42hair to
40:42our left
40:43over here?
40:44Don't you
40:44know who
40:45that is?
40:45No,
40:45man,
40:45they all
40:46look alike
40:46to me.
40:52Don't you
40:53talk about
40:53Ted Knight?
40:54I'll talk
40:54about Ted
40:55Knight.
40:56You used
40:56to be a
40:57vinchilicus,
40:57right,
40:58baby?
40:58Right.
40:59Right?
40:59Vinchilicus,
41:00right?
41:00Can you
41:00talk like
41:01this?
41:01Like this?
41:02Let me
41:02see you
41:02do it,
41:02Ted.
41:02You can
41:03do it.
41:05I know
41:05you can
41:05do it.
41:06Come on.
41:09Ted,
41:09you can
41:09do it.
41:11No,
41:12Ted Knight,
41:12he's actually
41:13an excellent
41:13chilicus,
41:14folks,
41:14and he had
41:14to quit
41:15because of
41:15the illness.
41:16He quit
41:17being a
41:18ventriloquist
41:18because of
41:19illness?
41:19Yeah,
41:19you see,
41:19his dummy
41:20got sick
41:20of him.
41:32Willie Tyler
41:33and Lester,
41:35and you
41:35were great.
41:39Our next
41:40guest is
41:41very unusual.
41:43Last year,
41:44this person
41:45was Mr.
41:47Richard Raskin,
41:49a nationally
41:50ranked male
41:52tennis player.
41:54And this
41:54year,
41:55that very
41:55same person
41:56is Miss
41:57Renee Richards,
41:59a world-class
42:01female tennis
42:02player.
42:04It's amazing
42:04what a little
42:06practice can
42:06do.
42:08Ladies and
42:09gentlemen,
42:10one of the
42:10most talked
42:11about people
42:12of today,
42:12Miss
42:13Renee Richards.
42:15Thank you,
42:29Dean.
42:30It's nice
42:30to be here
42:31with you
42:32and all
42:33these ladies
42:34and gentlemen
42:34and anyone
42:35in between.
42:41In case
42:42you're wondering
42:43why I'm here
42:44tonight,
42:44it's quite
42:45simple.
42:46Ted Knight
42:47and I have
42:48a lot in
42:48common.
42:50For one thing,
42:50we both
42:51changed our
42:52names.
42:52but most
42:57important
42:57because
42:58Ted's a
42:59sports buff
43:00and we
43:00happened to
43:01meet on
43:01the tennis
43:02court the
43:02other morning.
43:03I had the
43:04feeling that
43:05Ted didn't
43:05know who
43:06I was
43:07because he
43:08opened up
43:08with his
43:08typical greeting.
43:10Hi,
43:10guy.
43:15I finally
43:16told Ted
43:17that I'm
43:17Renee Richards,
43:18but I used
43:19to be
43:19Richard Raskin.
43:21It didn't
43:22faze Ted
43:23a bit.
43:24All he
43:24said was,
43:26Richard Raskin,
43:27funny,
43:28you don't
43:28look Jewish.
43:36It's been
43:36a pleasure
43:37for me
43:37to be
43:38here
43:38tonight
43:38to honor
43:39Ted Knight.
43:41I've always
43:41been a big
43:42fan of Ted's
43:43and so
43:43is Richard.
43:51good friend
43:57of mine
43:58and everybody
43:59else,
43:59Mr. Jack
44:00Carter.
44:00Carter.
44:01I'm delighted
44:13to be here
44:13and especially
44:14see that Dean
44:15made it here
44:15because just
44:163 a.m.
44:17this morning,
44:18two guys
44:18rolled him.
44:19Isn't that
44:19awful?
44:20Well,
44:20that's the
44:20only way
44:20you can
44:21get him
44:21back to
44:21his room.
44:26But he
44:27is beautiful.
44:27He is
44:28really something
44:28and I'm
44:29delighted to
44:29be here.
44:29This is a
44:30biggie.
44:30What a
44:31night.
44:31My gosh,
44:32Jimmy Walker,
44:33Red Buttons,
44:34Jimmy Stewart,
44:35Orson Welles.
44:37First time I've
44:37been to a
44:38dinner where
44:38the speakers
44:39are more
44:39important than
44:40the guest
44:40of honor.
44:44See,
44:45the fabulous
44:45Red Buttons,
44:47not only a
44:47great comedian
44:48but a
44:48charitable man
44:49who goes
44:50all over the
44:51world
44:51entertaining
44:52the
44:52unfortunates.
44:54The
44:54unfortunates
44:54are the
44:55people that
44:55have to
44:55listen to
44:56him.
44:57But I'm
44:57the only
44:58one who
44:58knows why
44:59he committed
44:59suicide and
45:00sayonara.
45:01You know
45:01why he
45:02committed
45:02suicide and
45:03sayonara?
45:04Because the
45:04Japanese
45:05wouldn't give
45:05him a
45:06dinner.
45:07The Japanese
45:08never gave
45:08him a
45:09dinner.
45:10And you
45:11know why
45:11the Japanese
45:12never gave
45:13him a
45:13dinner?
45:14You want to
45:14know why?
45:15Because when
45:15they saw
45:15his act,
45:16they lost
45:16their appetite.
45:17they lost
45:19their
45:21life.
45:22And when
45:23we think
45:24how close
45:25Ted
45:25Knight came
45:26to missing
45:26show
45:26business,
45:27how he
45:27starved
45:28in Chicago,
45:29how he
45:29worked as
45:29a busboy,
45:30he worked
45:30as a
45:31waiter,
45:31he tried
45:33everything.
45:33Finally,
45:34in desperation,
45:34I go home,
45:35I go back
45:36to Warsaw.
45:36I go back
45:37to Warsaw now,
45:38fallen,
45:39and he
45:42saved up
45:43$800.
45:43He went
45:43to airport,
45:44put down
45:44on the
45:45counter.
45:45Hello,
45:46lady TWA,
45:47$800.
45:47You give me
45:48a ticket,
45:48I go
45:49Warsaw,
45:49I want
45:50to fly
45:51to Warsaw
45:51now.
45:57She said,
46:00you can
46:00dance all
46:00you want,
46:01you're a
46:01nickel shark.
46:08He was
46:08desperate,
46:09he walked
46:09around the
46:09airport,
46:09he didn't
46:10know what
46:10to do.
46:11Finally,
46:11he went up
46:11to a strange
46:12man,
46:12he said,
46:12hey,
46:12mister,
46:13you give
46:13me nickel,
46:14I go to
46:14Poland.
46:15The guy
46:15said,
46:15here's the
46:15quarter,
46:16take four
46:16guys with
46:16you.
46:25In
46:25conclusion,
46:26if you
46:26had to
46:26change your
46:27name,
46:27Ted,
46:28why didn't
46:28you change
46:29it to
46:29good?
46:30Then Dean
46:31Martin could
46:31have come
46:32out and
46:32said,
46:32ladies and
46:32gentlemen,
46:33here he
46:33is,
46:34good night.
46:34you can
46:49come up
46:50now,
46:50Mr.
46:50Ted
46:51Knight,
46:51ladies and
46:51gentlemen,
46:52the man
46:52of the
46:52hour.
46:52I know
47:12how
47:12everybody
47:13must feel.
47:14Believe me,
47:14if I
47:14wasn't busy
47:15being man
47:15of the hour
47:16tonight,
47:16I'd be right
47:17out there
47:17with you
47:17honoring
47:18me.
47:24Tonight,
47:25tonight the
47:26dinner is
47:26on me,
47:27guys.
47:28Seriously,
47:29my room,
47:29everybody,
47:30everybody.
47:32As seen,
47:32it's two,
47:33four,
47:34six,
47:34twelve,
47:35eighteen.
47:36I'll have
47:37to get the
47:37big bucket.
47:43Oh,
47:44it's great
47:44being up
47:45here,
47:45really.
47:45I love
47:46you,
47:46old
47:46pros,
47:47and
47:48even
47:48you
47:48younger
47:48guys.
47:50A gentleman
47:50like Paul
47:51Williams has
47:52proven you
47:53don't have
47:53to be tall
47:53and handsome
47:54and sophisticated
47:54and witty
47:55to be short.
48:03A good
48:03old Ed
48:04Asner.
48:05Ed Asner.
48:08You're no
48:08fun at all,
48:09Ed,
48:09I gotta tell
48:10you right
48:10now.
48:12Be thoughtful
48:13and hurry
48:14it up,
48:14will you?
48:14Why don't
48:17we skip
48:17down to
48:17the last
48:18card
48:18so we
48:18can all
48:19go home?
48:19I'm only
48:19kidding.
48:20You talk
48:20as long
48:20as you
48:21want.
48:21Not after
48:22you say
48:22something like
48:23that,
48:23Dean,
48:23I'm gonna
48:24stand up
48:24here.
48:25I want
48:25you to
48:25talk as
48:26long as
48:26you want.
48:27We
48:27don't have
48:27to stay.
48:37Scatman.
48:39Jimmy
48:39Walker.
48:41I'm glad
48:42you chose
48:42to come
48:42tonight.
48:43You
48:43especially,
48:43Scatman.
48:44Willie
48:44Tyler.
48:45Go on
48:45the page.
48:46Brings
48:47back old
48:47memories to
48:47me, and
48:48this is the
48:48truth.
48:48I was
48:48raised by
48:49a black
48:49family.
48:50Please,
48:51no snickering.
48:53See,
48:53some of you
48:54question that.
48:55You think
48:55I'm fabricating,
48:55but it's
48:56true.
48:56A black
48:56family did
48:57raise me.
48:58When I was
48:58eight years
48:59old, they
48:59found out I
48:59was white
49:00and sold
49:00me.
49:06You take
49:06a tip from
49:07me,
49:07Scatman.
49:08Don't let
49:09it stand in
49:09your way.
49:09The next
49:10time you
49:10audition for
49:10a job,
49:11don't tell
49:11them you're
49:11black.
49:18Orson
49:18Wells.
49:20Orson
49:20Wells.
49:22I must
49:22say I'm
49:23very pleased
49:23and flattered
49:24at your
49:24presence here
49:25this evening,
49:25and this
49:26is from
49:26my heart.
49:28A
49:28distinguished
49:29actor and
49:29credit to
49:31our
49:31profession.
49:33I mean,
49:34you know,
49:34our careers
49:34have a
49:35somewhat
49:35similar
49:36course,
49:38you know.
49:38I've never
49:39done Othello
49:40or King
49:40Lear or
49:41Hamlet,
49:42but did
49:42you catch
49:43me in
49:43the Muppets?
49:46Thank you
49:47for being
49:47here tonight.
49:48I'm sorry
49:49I can't
49:49mention
49:50everybody's
49:50name,
49:50time doesn't
49:51permit,
49:51but I'd
49:51like to,
49:52if you'll
49:52forgive me,
49:53Jack Carter,
49:55Dr.
49:55Richards,
49:57Red Buttons,
49:58if you'll
49:58forgive me
49:59if I lump
49:59you all
50:00together,
50:01but you've
50:02got to
50:02admit,
50:02that's one
50:02hell of a
50:03lump.
50:09Whoo.
50:15He must have
50:16gone now,
50:17over
50:17down.
50:30Yeah,
50:30yeah,
50:31yeah,
50:32yeah,
50:33yeah,
50:35yeah,
50:36yeah,
50:37yeah,
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