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00:00I'm not gonna dance for a healthy day
00:07I might shake my feet to the beat
00:12But I'll shake them my way
00:14Cause sometimes they make me run too fast
00:18Sometimes they make me sing too loud
00:22But I'm only singing hard
00:25To get through the crowd
00:28You are not sneaking out on me
00:42No, no, it's just
00:45You
00:48You were an animal last night
00:53Well, I better be going
01:02Gotta be somewhere else
01:06Okay, but I don't have your phone number
01:08Oh
01:09And we can't make any more hot loving
01:12Unless we can get a hold of one another
01:17Okay
01:19Okay
01:19Okay, shoot
01:20Okay, it's four
01:25Just four?
01:31Uh-huh
01:32No other numbers?
01:36Um, yes
01:39I was gonna say
01:42I was gonna say
01:43Um, okay
01:46It's, it's four
01:50Four
01:51Forty-four
01:54Four, four, four
01:58Four, four
02:00One short
02:03Four
02:04One short
02:05Four
02:05One short
02:06Four
02:07Sorry
02:07I'm a bit like
02:09You know, it's just
02:11It's just like there's some guys out there
02:13And then they sleep with girls
02:14And they wake up
02:15And they think
02:16Oh my gosh
02:17He's an effing freak
02:19You know
02:19And then they leave a fake phone number
02:22So you can't get a hold of them
02:23Those men are arse heads
02:27Okay, gotta go
02:30I can't believe this is happening
02:36Yeah, I know
02:38I know
02:39We're in some great times, right?
02:43Oh, yeah, great times
02:45Oh, yeah, I'm in a tic-tac
02:47Oh, no
02:49Sorry?
02:52I'm a transformer
02:58Former
03:01Forever
03:03Forever
03:04Forever
03:04You would attack me with your robot army forever
03:12No
03:13Oh, yeah, that's a good boy
03:18What are you doing?
03:20I'm watching telly
03:21What does it look like?
03:22Don't be sarcastic
03:23Uh-huh
03:24Did you read the sheet?
03:27What sheet?
03:28His diet sheet
03:29The vet said it was really important
03:30I think I know how to feed a dog properly
03:33What is it with you in instructions?
03:35Yeah
03:36A dog is a dog
03:37If he doesn't like it
03:37He's not gonna eat it
03:39Well, the vet said to me
03:40Oh, the vet said
03:40The vet said
03:41He's all right
03:43Look at him
03:44Ain't you, boy, eh?
03:46You're all right, ain't you?
03:47Ain't you?
03:52Eve
03:52Yeah
03:54I'd better have a look at that
03:58I'd better have a look at that
03:58Uh-oh
04:22Oh, shit.
04:38Morning, Dad.
04:48How do I look?
04:52You don't like it, do you?
04:56No, it's really classy, but we really do have to go.
05:02But what about the hat?
05:04The hat is great.
05:08Honestly?
05:08Yeah.
05:11Well, maybe at other points you've worn hats that have fitted you better.
05:18What, are you saying it doesn't fit?
05:19Well, I don't know, it feels like it fits, so...
05:23It's just that hat is quite high.
05:29High?
05:29Mm.
05:30It's just perhaps 20 centimetres too far above your head.
05:36You can never just say I look nice, can you?
05:47Ooh!
05:48Shag, marry, kill.
05:50Oh, brilliant.
05:51I love this game.
05:52I love this game.
05:52Let me go first.
05:54Right, OK.
05:54Anna Friel, Heidi Klum, Britney Spears.
06:01Shag, marry, kill.
06:01Three very attractive ladies, Ben.
06:04Oh, yes, sir, and it's decision time.
06:06What are you going to do?
06:06Shag, marry, or kill.
06:09OK.
06:09I'd shag probably all of them.
06:16Yeah, I'd just shag them.
06:17I'd shag all three.
06:19Well, yeah, you would, but for this one you've just got to choose one.
06:24Shag, marry, kill.
06:25No, no, I'm going to stick with my first answer.
06:30Definitely choose shag.
06:33You can't just choose shag.
06:35You've just got to shag one of the women.
06:38Oh, I get it.
06:40It's just the rules of the game.
06:41Right, OK, well, this is what I do.
06:43I'd say, hey, let's forget the rules.
06:46Let's just go up to my room and shag each other senseless.
06:49I love this game.
06:51You can't do that.
06:55Why?
06:56Because it's the rules.
06:58I'm just saying, I'd ignore the rules.
07:00Yeah, but that way the game is pointless, all right?
07:02Not for me.
07:02Woo-hey!
07:04No, you can only choose one.
07:06You can only choose one of those women.
07:08Britney Spears.
07:09Fine, so who are you going to marry?
07:11Oh, this is hard.
07:13I'd marry my ex-girlfriend, Vicky.
07:15No, not your ex-girlfriend, Vicky!
07:18I've given it quite a lot of thought, you know.
07:20I was wrong to let her go.
07:22I should have, you know, she was great.
07:25Ten little bottles standing on the wall.
07:30Put the green ones in the green bank.
07:36Brown ones in the brown bank.
07:42Ten little bottles, all done.
07:45All done, eh, Josh?
07:48Where's Josh?
07:49So, how many women have you slept with, Ben?
08:00I don't want to say.
08:01Go on, mate, don't be shy.
08:04No, it's embarrassing.
08:05Come on.
08:06All right, er, let me have a think, let me have a think.
08:09I have slept with, hey, er, infinity women.
08:15You're a dark horse, mate.
08:17Yeah, yeah, I suppose I am.
08:20Oh, right, right, that's an estimate, is it?
08:23No, no, that's an exact amount.
08:26Oh, right, yeah.
08:27Yeah, me too.
08:28Oh, actually, Andy, you just said that you, like, slept with three people.
08:35Sorry, Ed, you call me a cynic, but I don't think that Benny has told us the whole truth, either.
08:40Whoa!
08:41I'm sorry, Andy.
08:44Ed, this is Ben we're talking about, okay?
08:46What exactly is your problem?
08:48Is it because I suffer from obesity?
08:50Is that it?
08:52Oh, yeah, Ben's fat.
08:54He couldn't possibly sleep with a lot of women.
08:56An infinite number of women could never find him attractive.
08:59Is that what you're thinking?
09:00No, I'm thinking that sleeping with infinity women is impossible.
09:03Easy, Tiger.
09:05Nothing's impossible.
09:06Well, clearly, that is.
09:10Clearly not.
09:11I think I know what this is about.
09:13Yeah?
09:14You don't have to get bitter because you've only slept with three people.
09:17And I've slept with an infinite multiple of that.
09:19Okay, this is shit.
09:20See ya.
09:22Oh, that's a shame.
09:24You're not going to catch up with me now, are you, Andy?
09:27The white, uh, child.
09:29Hi!
09:30Hi!
09:31Hello!
09:32I'm so sorry I'm late.
09:35What's going on?
09:36Why are you talking like that?
09:40Um, yeah, I have let myself go a bit.
09:44And, um, well, my voice has got fat.
09:47Um, how can you get a fat voice?
09:53Well, uh, some people put on weight in strange places.
09:57Uh, no.
10:01You're not going to have a drink?
10:02Well, no, I can't.
10:03It'll go straight to my voice.
10:06Come on, Sal.
10:07These crush diets never work.
10:10Martin's booked a trip to Sardinia next month, and I really can't walk on the beach in a bikini with a fat voice, can I?
10:14Well, you put on a bit of weight, so what?
10:17You can't starve yourself.
10:20The thing is, um, Martin has started listening to me differently.
10:26He, uh, hates my voice this resonant.
10:30It's not resonant, Sal.
10:31It is resonant, Nina.
10:33I've got a fat voice.
10:35Your voice is beautiful.
10:37It's voluptuous, isn't it?
10:39Yes.
10:40I love it.
10:42You want a little bit of this?
10:44It is delicious.
10:46Nina, you should have.
10:47It's really good.
10:49Oh, shit, that's so lovely.
10:52Oh, my God.
10:55Espadril.
10:57Espadril.
10:58Espadril.
11:00Claret.
11:02Espadril.
11:02Michigan.
11:10Rachel Stevens, Natalie Imbruglia, and Kate Moss.
11:15Shag, marry, kill.
11:16I would shag Kate Moss.
11:19I would marry Rachel Stevens.
11:22So, I guess that means I would kill Natalie Imbruglia.
11:27You'd kill Natalie Imbruglia?
11:31Yeah.
11:31Yeah.
11:33But she's lovely.
11:34Why do you want to kill her?
11:35Well, because she's a beautiful, talented woman with her whole life in front of her.
11:41She's done loads of good songs.
11:43I really love Torn.
11:45It is just a game.
11:46You know, and you'd get caught as well.
11:48High-profile target, like Natalie Imbruglia, there'd be police all over the place.
11:51You'd go down for years.
11:52I have to kill her because the game says I have to.
11:55Ignore it.
11:56Have some willpower, man.
11:58It is the fucking rules, Jeff.
12:00I have to kill Natalie Imbruglia.
12:01You are not, repeat not, going to kill Natalie Imbruglia.
12:06Jeff, I am...
12:06Listen to me, promise me you won't do it.
12:10Fine, I promise you I won't, but Natalie Imbruglia, I'll put your hands on the f...
12:14Jesus Christ, Jeff!
12:18Okay, so let's start the game again, shag, marry, kill.
12:21I'm really glad Lisa set us up together.
12:24Me too.
12:25I normally hate it when friends pair you off with complete strangers.
12:28Yeah.
12:29The thing is, all the guys I've been out with recently have just been unbelievably stupid.
12:34I think you're different now.
12:36Well, touch wood.
12:39So, that'd be the door.
12:42Good.
12:44That's all good.
12:46We have had your test results.
12:51May I be blunt with you?
12:52No.
12:57Right.
13:00Well.
13:02Everything is fine.
13:06You're not going to die.
13:07Oh, that's brilliant.
13:09Bye.
13:10Bye-bye.
13:21Is everything all right?
13:24Look, I...
13:24I know this is a bit of a crap time to tell you this.
13:29Darling.
13:30So I'm just going to go right ahead and say it.
13:33What's the matter?
13:35I've been having an affair.
13:37What?
13:37An affair?
13:38Why?
13:39It was a mistake and it just happened.
13:41Who is it?
13:41Who the hell is it?
13:42Okay, okay.
13:43She's called Sarah.
13:44Sarah Thompson.
13:45She works in my office.
13:47Yeah, no.
13:47Tom.
13:47I'm Sarah Thompson.
13:50Are you?
13:50Yeah.
13:51Yeah, no.
13:51I'm Sarah.
13:53Oh, I thought you were Phoebe.
13:54No.
13:55No, no.
13:56Phoebe's your wife.
13:58No.
13:58No.
13:59I'm still not getting it.
14:00Okay.
14:01You live together.
14:02You've got three children.
14:06Oh, the little people?
14:07Yes.
14:07The little people.
14:09And I call them Phoebe and the kids.
14:11Yes.
14:11Yes.
14:12You live with her.
14:12You've been married for about six years.
14:15And you are?
14:16Well, no.
14:16You say I'm Sarah.
14:17I'm the woman you're having the affair with.
14:19Brilliant.
14:19Brilliant.
14:20Thank God.
14:20Because I was bricking it about having to tell you.
14:22You silly sod.
14:24All right.
14:25Okay.
14:26Oh, God.
14:27Oh.
14:28There we go.
14:29Oh, okay.
14:30Now, don't forget to pick the kids up.
14:32It's their swimming lesson tonight.
14:34I'm going to be back late tonight because I've got work busy.
14:38Business, work, meetings and stuff.
14:42Oh, Tom, no.
14:43Remember?
14:43I'm Sarah.
14:44Sarah?
14:45I don't know anyone called Sarah.
14:46God, you are so paranoid.
14:48Tom.
14:50Okay.
14:50You go and hide.
14:51And we're going to start counting.
14:53Can Mommy hide with me?
14:56Well, I...
14:57No.
14:58Do you remember, darling?
14:59Mommy has to help Daddy, doesn't she?
15:01That's right.
15:02Because you're so good at hiding.
15:03Daddy needs all the help he can get.
15:05Okay?
15:06All right.
15:06Good boy.
15:07Off you go.
15:07Go on.
15:08There we go.
15:08One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve.
15:23So, remember what I said.
15:25Your stripes.
15:26Okay?
15:27Stripes.
15:27Yeah.
15:28So, you want to hit this white ball here into this stripy ball here.
15:34And if you can, get it into this hole or pocket, as we call it.
15:40Pocket.
15:40Yeah.
15:41Pocket.
15:41Yes.
15:42Okay.
15:42So, do you think you're ready to have a go at that?
15:45I can try.
15:46Okay.
15:46Good girl.
15:47All right.
15:48So, get yourself comfortable on the table.
15:50That's...
15:51Oh.
15:52That's...
15:52Yeah, that's it.
15:54And then you want to line the end of the cue with the middle of the white ball, okay, so
16:01that you can knock it into there, into there.
16:03All right?
16:04So, when you've lined it up, that's it, just pull the cue back and push through.
16:12And we're looking at the ball, so we pull back and we push through.
16:17Pull back and you're doing it on your own now.
16:19Okay?
16:20So, pull back and push through.
16:25Did I get it?
16:26No, darling.
16:28Oh, shit.
16:31Not to worry, sweetheart.
16:32We'll go again.
16:33Well, maybe the spear's broken.
16:35No, no, no, it's...
16:36Bless you.
16:37It's called a cue.
16:38Cue.
16:39And it's absolutely fine.
16:41Cue, really?
16:42Yeah.
16:43So, let's go again.
16:43And this time, please hold on to the cue for the whole shot.
16:47Okay?
16:48Okay.
16:49All right.
16:50Okay, so let's line it up again.
16:51Right.
16:52Okay, now, I'm...
16:53So, I'm gonna...
16:55So, I'm gonna pull back and push through.
16:57Good.
16:58Hands like that.
16:59Correct.
16:59All good.
17:00Great.
17:00Pull back and push through.
17:02Pull back.
17:04I forgot to stand.
17:07Aardvark, stick, plombe, snail, suitcase, banana.
17:17I have no idea what people wear at discos nowadays.
17:24Don't worry.
17:26You don't like the shoes?
17:29Shoes are great.
17:31Right.
17:32It's the pigtails then, isn't it?
17:33I'm too old for them, aren't I?
17:34The pigtails are perfect.
17:38It's just...
17:39The, uh, the dress...
17:42What?
17:43It's just a little loud.
17:47You can never just say I look nice, can you?
17:55Reading from his new anthology, I'm very excited to welcome here, onto this stage, Mr. Julien Ramon.
18:04Oh.
18:05APPLAUSE
18:06That's so beautiful.
18:11Um, this one's called To the One I Love.
18:17It's probably just a meant to fall.
18:18Oh.
18:19Oh.
18:20Her lips are like roses.
18:22Her hair flows like wine.
18:26Her skin is so soft.
18:29And her eyes are divine.
18:32I ache to be with her.
18:36I long for her touch.
18:39I love my dear mummy.
18:41I love her too much.
18:46It's probably just a meant to fall.
18:48Her body's a castle.
18:50I dare not invade.
18:53Her bottom's a bank.
18:55I'm forbidden to raid.
18:57Society's prison.
18:59Oh, when will I be free?
19:00Oh, when will it be?
19:02Just my mummy and me.
19:08This next piece is called Daddy's Sack of Love.
19:15Oh, shit, it's Greg.
19:17Well, hello.
19:18Long time, no see.
19:20Mwah.
19:21This is Vicky.
19:22Hello, Vicky.
19:23Very nice to meet you.
19:24Very nice to meet you too, Greg.
19:26So, must be bloody hell.
19:28What, a year now?
19:29Three years.
19:30Three years since you dumped me.
19:32Broke my heart.
19:33Sheesh.
19:35So, what's been happening?
19:36Well, I got married, so...
19:39Whoa.
19:40I mean, congratulations.
19:42And you?
19:43Well, it's a bit of a long story, actually.
19:46I moved back in with my parents for a while.
19:49And then, sort of late last year,
19:50I became the king of Spain.
19:55The king of Spain?
19:56Yeah, and it's really weird.
19:58It's some bloodline thing on my mum's side.
20:00So, you still live with the mum and dad?
20:02No, no, no, no, no.
20:03I'm living in Madrid, in the Palato de l'Oriente.
20:07Sorry.
20:08So, you, Greg, have become the king of Spain?
20:10King Greg, now.
20:11You must have been the laziest, most useless man I've ever been out with in one night,
20:15every king of Spain.
20:16Yep.
20:17And apparently, I'm a pretty good king.
20:19Wow.
20:20Yeah, yeah.
20:20According to polls, I'm the best one they've ever had.
20:23Me, a brilliant king.
20:25Anyway, enough about me.
20:26Who's the lucky guy?
20:28Paul Reynolds.
20:30He's at her work.
20:32Is he a king?
20:33No.
20:34He is an accountant.
20:36Is he?
20:38Yeah.
20:38You know, some of the things I love about being king,
20:40you know, being the rule of millions of people, blah, blah, blah,
20:43untold wealth, etc.
20:44But I've never had a head for figures like this guy.
20:47That must be, oh, very interesting.
20:51Well, best of luck with it.
20:54Anyway, great to see you, Sal.
20:55Lovely to meet you, Vicky.
20:57Jolly nice to meet you, my lord.
20:59And any time you're in my kingdom, drop me a text.
21:04Great.
21:05Anytime.
21:06Okay.
21:07I will.
21:09Okay.
21:09Hasta luego.
21:11Well, he's done very well for himself, hasn't he?
21:15Spain.
21:2016,842.
21:2316,843.
21:2516,844.
21:2816,845.
21:32Come in, ready or not.
21:36Found you.
21:37Come on, brush your teeth in bed, please.
21:39Hi, Kelly.
21:46Sorry about the minstrels yesterday.
21:48Sorry about what?
21:50When I went to news agents and I asked you if you wanted anything and you said you like minstrels.
21:54Oh, God, that's okay.
21:56I mean, if I didn't have any, I like the M&M's.
21:58Yeah, but you prefer minstrels, right?
22:00Um, I guess so.
22:03Oh, God.
22:05I've got something for you.
22:06Oh, God, as long as it's not a fax, the machine's broken again.
22:09No.
22:11No, it's not a fax.
22:16Yeah.
22:16Oh, my God.
22:20Wow, it's...
22:22It's a minstrel.
22:24A giant minstrel.
22:28Wow, where did you buy it?
22:30I made it.
22:32Really?
22:33You're joking.
22:33No, I made it last night.
22:35You're kidding me.
22:36No, I definitely made it, Kelly.
22:37Believe me, I made it out of other minstrels.
22:42Wow.
22:43There must be hundreds in there.
22:46Dunno.
22:47About 7,053.
22:49Picked a few boxes up from the cash and carry last night after work.
22:53Don't worry enough, but...
22:54You...
22:54Twat.
22:57Luckily, though, I found a 24-hour shop and a couple of petrol stations on the M1
23:00that were up until 4 in the a.m.
23:03It must have taken you ages.
23:06Dunno.
23:07I had to chip all the little crispy shells off and then grind them down into a powder.
23:10That needed mixing with some glucose to form a paste for the outer shell.
23:14That needed sanding down between coats and a final polish, but...
23:17Other than that, easy.
23:20Wow, wow.
23:21I am blown away, because it is like a perfect minstrel,
23:25but it's much, much bigger.
23:29Do you like it, then?
23:32Yeah.
23:32Well, I like minstrels.
23:36Like minstrels more than M&M's, yeah?
23:39Yeah.
23:41Could you put that in the bin for me?
23:44Thank you very much.
23:54Mummy says we can't cook, but we'll show her, won't we, Josh?
23:57Mmm, smell that lovely turkey.
24:02Daddy is the kitchen king.
24:04Yes, he is.
24:05Where's Josh?
24:06Which means, my friend, you are to marry...
24:23Miss Kelly Brook.
24:27Wow.
24:28Kelly Brook.
24:31Hold on, isn't she with the actor Billy Zane?
24:33To be honest, I don't think he will mind for the purposes of this game
24:37if you say that you will marry Kelly Brook.
24:39I think he might mind if she marries me instead.
24:43Anyway, where does Kelly Brook live?
24:46I don't know, Los Angeles.
24:47A long-distance relationship.
24:50Mmm.
24:51You know, I meant photocopying machines for a living.
24:54I mean, Kelly Brook really going to have anything to talk about?
24:56Well, I...
24:57She'd be yaddering on about her acting and her modelling.
25:00When I get home from a hard day's work,
25:01who's going to talk to me about photocopiers?
25:03Knowledgeably.
25:04Kelly Brook?
25:05Somehow doubt it.
25:07We're worlds apart, Ben.
25:09Also, this one-night stand I'm having with Abby Titmuss.
25:13How can I say I'm really committed to Kelly?
25:15You know, committed enough to be married?
25:18So why did I do it?
25:20Why did I sleep with Abby?
25:22You may need to pull over for a second.
25:25I just need ten minutes on my own.
25:29You can meet me from work.
25:31Can we just go straight there?
25:32Well, I have a baby.
25:34Yeah?
25:34Well, I think it would be easier if you actually met us there.
25:36Because I don't want to go across town with a baby.
25:38Oh, look at the bangers on that.
25:44I can't believe what I'm seeing.
25:47Oh!
25:49One, two, tip pie.
25:51Oh, I'm eating that.
25:52I'm going to eat that up.
25:54Unbelievable.
25:55What am I hanging out the back of her?
25:57Oh, yes, yes, yes.
26:00Oh!
26:00Are you checking her out?
26:09I was a paranoid.
26:14Hi there.
26:15Hi there.
26:15I'm looking for a foundation.
26:21I'm looking for a foundation.
26:24But I've got quite sensitive skins.
26:26But I've got quite sensitive skin.
26:28Can you not do that?
26:30I will not do that.
26:31It's really childish and annoying.
26:34It's really childish and annoying.
26:35Look, are you going to serve me or are you going to copy me?
26:39I'm going to serve me.
26:43I want to see your manager now.
26:51Hi.
26:53Can I help you?
26:53You're starving or behaving like...
26:58Behaving like...
26:59This is...
27:00This is...
27:00Oh, you're pathetic.
27:01Look, I'll just forget it.
27:03Look, I'll just forget it.
27:04Look, I'll just forget it.
27:23Bye.
27:30Bye.
27:31Bye.
27:40Bye.
27:40Bye.
27:41Bye.
27:42Bye.
27:39
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