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00:19Welcome, welcome, welcome to Top Tips 2,
00:22the follow-up to the hugely successful Top Tips 1.
00:25And if you bought Top Tips 1, thank you for doing so,
00:28and of course thank you for buying Top Tips 2, or the big number 2, as we call it.
00:36Just a crazy joke.
00:40Yes, we're sure you're not going to regret it.
00:42Well, they might, Vic.
00:44What?
00:44They might regret it.
00:45I wouldn't have thought so.
00:46No, of course, think about it.
00:47If they store the video, say, on a high shelf, quite a high shelf, right,
00:52and a juggernaut goes by or a circus lorry carrying monkeys goes past,
00:56causes the house to vibrate, only slightly mine,
00:58but still enough to tip it off the shelf into the otter storage tank, right?
01:03It startles the family otter.
01:08And that's our first top tip.
01:10Don't talk stupid.
01:12This video could change your life in much the same way as the first one did.
01:17In fact, let's hear what Eric Clapton's got to say about this.
01:22I woke up this morning and bought Top Tips 1.
01:28And, quite frankly, it's changed my life.
01:32I was always bothered when I was on the road about transporting my goldfish.
01:37All that water slopping about, you know, might get on your clothes.
01:41So, I took a tip from Viz and popped the ball into the freezer.
01:46Presto, no more worries.
01:49And my guitar playing, well, it's never been better.
01:52Really, thanks, Vic.
01:54And, Bob.
01:55Le-la!
01:58You're very welcome, Eric.
02:00However, there are people out there who are not as receptive as old Slohan.
02:05Is that right?
02:06What?
02:07Is that right?
02:07Yes, there are people out there not naming any names.
02:11Yeah.
02:11But there are people out there who think Top Tips is just a great big joke.
02:16Name those people, Vic.
02:17I can't name them.
02:19Name names, Vic.
02:20I'm not going to name names, but you know who you are.
02:23Kenny Lynch.
02:24I bet.
02:25He's one, yes.
02:26Yeah.
02:27There are people out there who think it's a great big joke.
02:29Something to be poo-pooed and laughed at.
02:31Poo-pooed?
02:33Poo-pooed?
02:34Yes.
02:34Vic, when will people learn to stop poo-pooing?
02:38I don't know.
02:38You know, in the light of evidence that's virtually scientific style.
02:43I just don't know.
02:44Let's have a look at the footage.
02:45I can't.
02:46Why not?
02:47I'm going to monitor.
02:48As one-time chairman of Mensa and captain of Essex Cricket Club,
02:52I thought I knew better than to take advice from Top Tips.
02:56Well, there I was in Asda's Croydon branch doing a bit of late-night shopping
03:00when suddenly a rogue rhino came charging down the aisle towards me.
03:04Of course, if I'd listened to the Top Tips video,
03:06I would have run down between condiments and tin veg
03:09and darted quickly towards jams and preserves.
03:12The bulky animal's momentum would have carried him past me
03:15towards the five items or less till,
03:16and I'd probably still be alive today.
03:22Oh, that's tragic, that.
03:24What is?
03:25Hamlet.
03:28I'll tell you what's tragic.
03:29What?
03:311978, Kensington High Street,
03:33300 penguins mowed down by a bus.
03:36That's tragic.
03:37It was terrible.
03:39But didn't the blockage?
03:40The blockages all weekend whilst they were sweeping up the beaks.
03:43But didn't the loss of business for the shopkeepers?
03:45It was atrocious and terrible.
03:47Terrible tragedy, that.
03:48So, anyway, Vic, for purchases of this video,
03:50what lies ahead of them?
03:51Well, we've got a surfeit of useful advice.
03:53We'll be showing you, for instance,
03:55how to give a goldfish a love bite
03:57by simply sticking a straw into its bowl
04:00and sucking gently on its neck.
04:02On your fish, I say.
04:04Mmm, orange.
04:05Nice.
04:06And we'll be showing you how to confuse a shopkeeper
04:09by going into his shop,
04:10ordering some wrapping paper
04:11and asking him to wrap it up.
04:15And we'll later be slicing those old Wellington boots
04:18to give yourself a lifetime supply
04:20of windscreen wiper blades.
04:22Mmm.
04:23That looks easy and effective, Vic.
04:24Yeah.
04:25Doesn't it, though?
04:25Yes, it does.
04:26But before all that,
04:28here is an international,
04:30international and top tip.
04:59Yes, it's a big automotive welcome to Top Tips,
05:01and today's tip-top-top-tip topic
05:03is cars and car maintenance.
05:05Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, beep, beep.
05:07We'll be showing you that you don't need to spend
05:09a lot of money on shoddy workmanship.
05:11Instead, we'll be showing you that you can get
05:13the same results quickly and cheaply yourself,
05:15won't we, Bob?
05:16Bob.
05:17Are you talking to me?
05:19Well, you are Bob, aren't you?
05:20No, Vic, I'm not.
05:21I'm the artist formerly known as Bob.
05:23I am now known as Xerxes Ramassus Lowestoft,
05:28and that's my first tip-top motor in tip.
05:31You see, why spend literally thousands of lira
05:35changing your number plate to a personalised one?
05:39Why do it?
05:40Much simpler to change your name
05:42to match your existing plate.
05:44You see, here's my plate.
05:47Xerxes Ramassus Lowestoft.
05:50Now, no-one's going to be confused
05:51as to which celebrity is behind the wheel
05:54of, in my case, that 1964 Ford Anglia.
05:57You know, that's a cracking tip, that, Bob.
05:59You talking to me?
06:00Sorry, Xerxes.
06:02Anyway, let's get into top gear now
06:04and motor on down to the top tips garage.
06:07Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
06:18Well, Xerxes, this is interesting.
06:20What's this chap up to?
06:21This Vic is John Lupin Arsecrest,
06:23and he's covering this car in cling film
06:25prior to painting it a lovely shade of midnight cream.
06:29Mmm.
06:29Now, this means if he's not happy with the shade,
06:32he can simply peel it off and start again.
06:34That's great.
06:36And there's plenty more we can learn about what goes on under the bonnet.
06:40We'll be offering you top tips on compression ratios,
06:43on transmission speeds, cam differentials, carbonara, the glove box.
06:47And let's not forget the gloves that lie within.
06:50Vic, sorry to butt in there,
06:52but there's one phrase you've just used I don't fully understand.
06:55And what might that be, Xerxes?
06:57Car. What is car?
06:59Ah, well, I'm glad you asked.
07:04A car is a highly technical piece of transportation equipment
07:08in which a mixture of petrol is ignited with a precise measurement of air.
07:12This, in turn, produces a series of miniature explosions
07:15which drive pistons in a precise sequence,
07:19creating rotational forces through a series of complex linkages
07:24which can then be used to impart forward or reverse propulsions.
07:30Well, now you've explained it, Vic. I'm glad I asked.
07:32Hello. Boy, have I got a couple of fantastic tips for you.
07:37Firstly, if you want to stop car thieves,
07:39just siphon off all your petrol whenever you park your car
07:42and carry it around with you in one or two large plastic buckets.
07:46And remember, always carry a tin of white paint
07:49and a paintbrush in the boot of your car.
07:52That way, if your chosen car park is full,
07:55simply paint an additional car parking space for yourself.
07:58It's clever, is it not?
07:59Yes, it is. Thank you.
08:01Hello. Is that the Cones hotline, please?
08:04Ah, good. Could I have a 99 flake, please, with raspberry sauce
08:07and about 150 hundreds and thousands on it, please?
08:12Never mind that, Xerties. We've got more important things to do.
08:21Hello, mate. I'm a taxi driver.
08:23Could you please fix my indicator
08:25so people know where the fuck I'm going?
08:27Well, there's something you don't see every day.
08:29Remarkable. That's the only word for it.
08:32Not strictly true, that, Vic, actually.
08:34I've been looking at Roger's Theosaurus.
08:36You could have used outlandish, extraordinary,
08:39exceptional, even striking.
08:41I've told you before, don't talk stupid.
08:51As a former flight director at Mission Control Houston
08:54and one-time walk on extra in Emmerdale Farm,
08:57the animated farm series,
08:59I know how easy it is to run up a phone bill,
09:01so I stop visitors from using my phone without asking
09:04by simply taking it off the hook and sitting on the receiver.
09:08Believe me, having to pick my arse crest from the receiver
09:11is a small price to pay for economy.
09:13No, then.
09:15What's going on here, Vic? Some sort of car boot party?
09:17It looks like it, doesn't it, but no Xerxes.
09:20What I'm doing is by tying balloons, these are balloons,
09:23into the front and back bumper of my car,
09:25I can park it without damaging it.
09:27How do you mean?
09:28Well, I solotape a drawing pin to the back wall of my garage
09:31and I can drive in or reverse in.
09:34It doesn't matter.
09:35When I hear the balloon pop, I simply apply the brake.
09:38That is a very good safety tip, that, Vic.
09:40It is, isn't it?
09:40Very good indeed.
09:41And talking of safety,
09:42let's have a look at some ways
09:43we might be able to reduce the carnage
09:45on England's highways and barways.
09:47Not only England, but Austria as well.
09:49Yeah, Austria.
09:51Or Denmark.
09:52Yes, Vic.
09:52Or Yugoslavia.
09:53Yes, Vic.
09:54Or Lagos.
09:55Yes.
09:57Or Switzerland.
09:57Yes, Vic, get in the car.
09:58Or New Zealand.
09:59Yes, Vic.
10:00You don't have to stop there.
10:01Australia.
10:01Vic, get in the car.
10:05Who's that, then?
10:06Who's that?
10:06Yeah.
10:07He's the local car thief.
10:08He goes around with a couple of petrol cans
10:10in case the drivers have siphoned off the petrol
10:13and are carrying it around in buckets.
10:14That's fairly astute, that, isn't it?
10:16It is, isn't it?
10:17Shall we get in?
10:17Right.
10:22Now, have you ever wondered
10:23what happens if your brakes fail
10:25when you're travelling at speed?
10:27Quite strange you should ask me that, Vic,
10:29because I was just thinking about that
10:30a couple of years ago.
10:31Really?
10:31What a coincidence.
10:32What shall I tell you?
10:33Go on, then.
10:34What you do is you give a sharp tug
10:36on your bonnet catch, like so.
10:40Yeah?
10:41Your bonnet swings up
10:42and creates a wind resistance
10:44to allow you to grind gently
10:46to a peaceful halt.
10:47Hmm.
10:48You know, that's a potentially life-saving tip
10:50you've just outlined there, Vic.
10:52Thank you very much.
10:53Ah, before you gloat, Vic,
10:54there's one fatal flaw I can see.
10:56What?
10:57What if you're travelling at high speed
10:59but in reverse, backwards?
11:01Ah, ah, simple.
11:02Very simple.
11:03Go on, then.
11:03You simply open all doors
11:05and, if possible, you boot.
11:07The same effect, but in reverse.
11:08Hmm.
11:10Let me ask you this, then, Vic.
11:11What if all those systems should fail, right?
11:14Yeah?
11:15Each and every one of them
11:16and there's a brick wall looming larger.
11:18Easy, easy.
11:19You simply rely on your air or windbag,
11:21as I call it,
11:22and in this case,
11:23I've used a very amusing whoopee cushion.
11:33That's such a fun idea, Vic.
11:35That's such a fun idea, Vic.
11:35I know.
11:35And you'll still be laughing
11:36when they were cutting you out of the wreckage.
11:42Well, Vic,
11:42we certainly know more
11:43about preventing accidents
11:45and taking precautions
11:46when you're in the car.
11:47Oh, yes.
11:48Agreed?
11:48Oh, agreed.
11:49But talking of kiddies, Vic, what about if you're on the road between, say, Tenby and Milford Haven?
11:56Yes, a lovely road.
11:58B Road.
11:58Beautiful.
11:59Beautiful road, yes.
12:00Very nice choice.
12:00And in the back, there's a kiddie choking on an ice cube.
12:04Oh, what flavour?
12:06Just water flavour.
12:08Oh, dear.
12:09Well, it's an all-too-common occurrence these days, and who better to ask than TV's funny man, Windsor Davies?
12:20Hello, lovely boys.
12:23Get them shoelers back.
12:25Show them off.
12:26Show them off.
12:29Whenever I'm driving along, any small child starts choking on a ice cube, I simply pour boiling water down their
12:38throat.
12:39In it, in it, in it, in it.
12:40And, hey, presto, boyo, as if by magic, the ice cube dissolves, and normal breathing has soon restarted.
12:50Heyo, that's all.
12:52Dismissed.
12:52In it, boyo.
12:55Hey!
12:57Thank you, Windsor, for that tip-top-top-tip.
13:00That's right, and we'll be doing some more very soon.
13:12Right, come on, Vic.
13:13We'd better be off.
13:15Okay.
13:15Hang on, hang on.
13:16We need to get some petrol.
13:18Of course we'll.
13:29Look, it's gone.
13:30I bet it was that car thief.
13:32Look, there he goes.
13:35His brakes have failed.
13:36Hey, put your bonnet up, mate.
13:39Oh, he's going to hit that wall.
13:45I told you, it's a riot, isn't it?
13:49It's a top-tip, that thing.
13:54Top-tips.
13:57Top-tips.
13:59Ah, hello, Vic.
14:01Hello.
14:01It's a bit nippy in here, isn't it?
14:02Yes, and that's why I'm installing double glazing.
14:06Make hold your horses.
14:07Isn't that a bit expensive?
14:08Well, normally, yes.
14:10And here's the toppest tip-top tip in this section, which is do-it-yourself and DIY.
14:17I'm using cling film.
14:19I'm using cling film.
14:19Cling film?
14:20The same stuff we use to make those low-cost johnnies.
14:24Exactly.
14:24And I'm even using the same drawing pins.
14:26Nice one.
14:27But I'll tell you what, Vic.
14:29Once it's covered with cling film, what if it gets a bit too hot?
14:32In that case, I simply rip off the cling film...
14:35Yep.
14:35...and smash...
14:37Hey, presto.
14:38Instant air conditioning.
14:40That's fantastic.
14:40And, Vic, what other DIY tips have you got to pass on for our consideration?
14:46Primarily, my advice to you, if you are going to practise do-it-yourself and DIY, is get
14:52somebody else in to do the job for you.
14:54But if you're intent on making a bodge of your house, here are some indefensible suggestions.
14:59Well, Vic, this is all coming along very nicely indeed, and it's a tribute to our intelligence
15:04and patience.
15:05And, Vic, I can see that you're wallpapering.
15:08That's right.
15:08I'm putting up this expensive and sumptuous woodchip wallpaper.
15:12Gorgeous, isn't it?
15:14I'll tell you what upsets me, though, Vic, is when you're wallpapering a few hours before
15:18you're due to move house, and the incoming purchaser gets the benefit of all your hard work.
15:25Is there anything you can do about that?
15:26There is, yes.
15:27To avoid all those messy pastes, simply stick up your wallpaper with...
15:32Blu-Tack!
15:34That way you can avoid the mess and stress of the paste, and you can check the wallpaper with
15:40you when you leave.
15:41That is a brilliant tip.
15:43And here's another tip for all you woodchip lovers, and I know there's a lot of you out
15:47there.
15:47And it's this.
15:48If, like me, you get a rip or a tear in your wallpaper, this one here was caused by a
15:53giant
15:53ghost potato entering my house and burning this area.
15:56To make a good repair, simply cover the area with glue.
16:03That's the glue on.
16:04Wicked.
16:05Next, cover the affected area with old toenail clippings.
16:12It's dry in about two hours when it's ready to paint.
16:18Hey, hanging wallpaper is one thing.
16:21Keeping it clean is definitely another.
16:24Every time somebody uses a light switch, they get the dirty, grubby little paws all over
16:30it.
16:30Avoid these marks by fixing an ordinary bathroom soap dish and glass holder by the side of every
16:35light switch.
16:36Your guests can then use the soap and water from the glass to wash their hands before touching
16:41the switch.
16:42Oh, and you'll need a small towel rail, too.
16:48Hello, Vic.
16:50Hello.
16:51It's funny, isn't it?
16:53Carry on, Cleo.
16:55I don't know.
16:55I haven't seen it.
16:56I couldn't help noticing, Bob, that you used the door, then.
16:59Did I?
17:00Yes, you did.
17:01And here's a tip to avoid wear and tear on hinges.
17:05When you come through the door, simply open it just a little bit, maybe six or seven inches,
17:09and squeeze through.
17:10I'll remember that, Vic.
17:11Good.
17:12Now, a common problem for DIY enthusiasts is having a turk measure, or mesure, as in
17:17John Le Mejure, that's too short for the task in hand.
17:21Well, we've got an answer to that problem, and who better to tell you all about it than
17:25American songstress, an Academy Award-winning actress, Chair.
17:30Hello.
17:31Whenever I'm out filming, on location or on tour, like, with the band, I'm always looking
17:38for a good length more.
17:40So, here's a little invention of my own.
17:43Stretch a piece of elastic, make marks at one-inch intervals, here, presto, a telescopic
17:50tape measure that I can store in any nook or cranny in me leotard.
17:56What a racket!
17:58I wish I'd never bought every record, video, book and mug she ever produced.
18:02Hey, Vic, I've just been admiring this sofa of yours.
18:05It's exquisite.
18:06Where did you get it from?
18:07Leather world?
18:08Well, an easy mistake to make, Bob.
18:10But no, I made it myself.
18:11Out of one ordinary kitchen chair.
18:13I just sawed it in half and bounced these two planks between.
18:16Well, it works very well indeed.
18:17Can I just give the viewers a safety note there, Vic?
18:20Yes.
18:20Thank you very much.
18:21Now, viewers, the toxic fumes from a burning sofa can be highly toxic.
18:26So, if you're going to make a settee like this, please, please, please plan an escape
18:30route before you sit on it.
18:32Thanks.
18:32Talking of planks, I couldn't help noticing that you're admiring my exquisitely built
18:38bookcase here.
18:38Oh, I was. It's beautiful.
18:39Absolutely beautiful.
18:40That must have taken you ages to make, Vic.
18:42Well, no, six weeks from start to finish.
18:44Never!
18:44Yes. You see, I've avoided using expensive and time-consuming wall brackets by simply
18:50balancing the planks on top of the books themselves.
18:52Right. And I suppose if you used books of similar height on each row, the actual shelves
18:58themselves would be reasonably level.
19:00Well, that's an option, yes.
19:02As a one-time commissioner of the Metropolitan Police and turnstile operator at Charlton Athletic
19:08Football Club, feed degree, feed degree, I know how precious time can be first thing
19:13in the morning.
19:13This is what I do.
19:15When boiling my egg, I simply pop a tea bag and some milk into the saucepan.
19:20In three and a half minutes, I've got a boiled egg and a ready-made cup of tea.
19:26Oh, I can tell you it's delicious.
19:29How many times have I told you always saw towards the east?
19:33I thought it saw towards the door.
19:36Bob?
19:37Bob?
19:38Are you there?
19:38Look, a burglar.
19:40Bob?
19:41Are you there?
19:44It's all right, Vic.
19:45It was me granny.
19:46Yeah, but it could have been a burglar.
19:47No, you're right.
19:48It could have been.
19:48It's a good point, Vic.
19:49And why not?
19:50Let's have a quick word now about home security.
19:52Why not?
19:53Well, for a start, you can make your house less enticing to a burglar by making other
19:58people's houses more enticing to the burglar.
20:00Simply pop across the road, prize open a few of their windows.
20:04And it's well worthwhile adopting car theft prevention techniques.
20:08Have your house number engraved on all your windows, and that way any would-be thief will
20:12certainly think twice before breaking in.
20:14Well, I think that's just about covered all aspects of DIY and do-it-yourself.
20:19So I can't wait to find out what the next top tip topic is, Vic.
20:23Yep.
20:24Come on.
20:24Shall we go?
20:25Yes.
20:27Bob, wait!
20:29Remember, the wear and tear on the hinges.
20:31I'm sorry, Vic.
20:32Sorry.
20:34There we are.
20:35That's better.
20:36That's the way.
20:40Top tip.
20:46Hello, Vic.
20:49Hello.
20:49What are you doing?
20:50I'm just unpicking the stitching from this old purple jacket.
20:54I can see that, but why?
20:55Well, because I stitched them together to make extra threads.
21:00You've recycled it.
21:01That's exactly what I've done.
21:02Now I've got enough thread there to perhaps stitch the top of a pair of trousers or something
21:06like that.
21:06Yeah, or put a decorative design on your cap.
21:08Well, that's a good, that's a possibility, isn't it?
21:10Yeah.
21:10And I'm also going to take the buttons off here because I can use those as a kind of discus
21:14for tiny hands.
21:16Like mouse hands.
21:17That's exactly the one.
21:18So, what a simple idea, Vic.
21:20Yeah, thanks.
21:21In fact, simple's the word that often springs to mind when I think of you.
21:24Well, that's very kind of you.
21:25So, what's brought this about, anyway, the clothing sewing thing?
21:28Well, because today, Bob, we're going to be looking at ladies' clothes.
21:32Oh, no, Vic.
21:33You know what happened last time you went to Miss Selfridge.
21:35Please.
21:35Hey, don't mention the cubicles.
21:37Well, you'll be careful.
21:39No, because I don't know if you knew this, ladies and gentlemen, but Bob and myself are
21:42fashion icons and today we're going to be offering you some hip, groovy and with it
21:47advice.
21:48Yes.
21:48And where better to start than with a tip-top fashion roadshow?
21:52And where better to hold such an event than in front of the Carlton Hotel in Cannes?
21:57I'll tell you where.
21:58Mr Sheen's Polishing Paradise Home for Two in Kent.
22:39Yes, we're here to bring you the very best fashion at the best prices.
22:44And if you're thinking, Hope Couture, I'll never afford that, you're probably right.
22:48That's why we're here to bring you the latest designs by the latest designers, like Alan
22:53Bleasdale, Randy California and Carl Lagertop.
22:56Hello, I know all about fashion.
22:59I have these fantastic flared trousers, which I'm making slender by removing a triangle of
23:04cloth from the bottom of each leg and sewing the gap closed.
23:08These spare triangles can then be attached to a length of string and used as bunting in
23:14street parties.
23:15Of course, if the trousers are black, then you can use the bunting for more somber occasions,
23:20like a death or the signing of a treaty.
23:24Thank you for that invaluable tip.
23:27And I'll tell you somewhere else you can stick your triangles.
23:30If you're around in the 50s and wore drainpipe trousers like these, then by sewing a triangle
23:36into each leg, you can instantly create a pair of fashionable flares.
23:45Well, on with the roadshow, and let...
23:48Wow, they look fabulous, Vic.
23:51Not only are they fabulous, but they're practical too.
23:55These transparent triangular sandwich packs make ideal elbow protectors.
23:59And I can imagine, Vic, there's a practicality side to them too, because if you were on a
24:03train and you spilt your coffee on the table, they'd keep your elbows dry.
24:08Exactly.
24:09Anyway, now it's time to take a look at the new style collection.
24:14And here goes, Vic.
24:15And first up here is Malcolm.
24:17Now, Malcolm's clearly...
24:18Excuse me, how old is Malcolm?
24:20Malcolm seems to me to be in his late 50s.
24:23Malcolm's clearly power dressing, and he's transformed a very old and fashionable jacket.
24:27How old is that jacket?
24:28That old jacket.
24:29It's got to be seven years, Vic, I think.
24:30Right, OK.
24:31And he's transformed that dull old jacket into a highly fashionable item, simply by the ingenious
24:35use of variety-sized cereal packets.
24:38Is one forced to use brown flakes or special cake?
24:42No, no, no, Vic.
24:43It's just that they're the two flavours that are usually left over.
24:47Right.
24:47Now, what's Brunhilde wearing here?
24:49Well, Brunhilde's demonstrating, Vic, that you don't have to change your trousers just
24:53because the pockets are full.
24:55Right.
24:55Simply hang old socks from your belt loop.
24:59How old are these socks?
25:00Anything up to five years.
25:01That's about a cut-off point.
25:02Right, OK, then.
25:03Well, it's stylish, it's practical, and, of course, it's now.
25:06And you know, Vic, there's no need to throw away old socks just because they've got a hole
25:10in the toe.
25:10Right, and so what's the alternative?
25:12Well, simply cut off the whole toe, turn the sock around, sew up the other end.
25:21Here, presto, a new sock.
25:23Bob, can I just throw something in here?
25:25Of course.
25:27And here's Norman.
25:28Now, what's Norman wearing on his feet, Vic?
25:30It looks like an expensive pair of pertinent leather shoes.
25:33They do, Bob, but they're not.
25:35That effect has been achieved by simply wrapping sellotape round an old pair of shoes.
25:42Wow.
25:43Tremendously transparent toe wear, Vic.
25:46And I couldn't help but noticing what a smashing pair of tights he's wearing.
25:50Norman's not wearing tights.
25:51No?
25:52No, no, no, no, no, no.
25:54Instead, he's using a cheap but effective alternative.
25:57He simply stapled an ordinary pair of stockings onto an ordinary pair of knickers.
26:01Wow.
26:02Who would have thought, eh?
26:06A little cough there.
26:09As a one-time stunt double for Bonnie Langford and designer of the Harrier jump jet,
26:14I know the importance of looking strong and virulent.
26:17That's why I've got designer stubble.
26:19But designer stubble doesn't just happen overnight.
26:22Oh, no.
26:22Or does it?
26:23Yes.
26:24You can achieve exactly the same effect instantly by simply rubbing syrup into your chin.
26:30Like so.
26:31I'll just do both sides there so you can see the full process.
26:35Then you sprinkle the contents of some tea bags onto the syrup.
26:40Here we go there.
26:41Well, I've probably not done a great job there, but you'll get the idea.
26:45And doesn't that look good and rugged?
26:48Of course, Bob.
26:49Speaking of rug heads and Irishers and syrups and that, there are a lot of toupee owners
26:54out there wearing unobtrusive syrup of figs or wigs.
26:58Hmm.
26:58Like this one here.
26:59That's not a wig.
27:00It's hard to believe, isn't it?
27:02That's fantastic, Vic.
27:03Isn't it?
27:04Wow.
27:05Yeah, I know.
27:05Well, calm down.
27:07There are a lot of people out there who are worried that if a sharp gust of wind should
27:10blow up, it could blow off their syrup of figs, revealing their shining balding eggheads
27:16and leaving them wide open to ridicule and suspicion.
27:19Hmm.
27:19Well, nice to introduce, Vic.
27:21So what's the answer?
27:21Well, the answer is simply one of these.
27:23What about that?
27:24In that light?
27:25Now, that's lovely, isn't it?
27:27That is lovely.
27:28Isn't that nice?
27:28Now, that's effective, it'll keep the syrup in position and it also doubles up as being
27:33a really delightful and attractive hat in its own sense.
27:36Oh, no!
27:37What?
27:38Vic, your jacket!
27:39It's not on fire again, is it?
27:41It's showing terrible signs of wear and tear, that jacket.
27:43Is it?
27:44Yeah.
27:44Well, what can I do about that?
27:46Well, here's a top tip, ladies and gentlemen.
27:48You can save wear and tear on your clothing by up to 20%, yes, a massive 20%.
27:54Wow!
27:54Yep, simply by not turning up for work on Mondays.
27:57But, Bob, would this apply if one were to take off Thursday instead?
28:01I don't know, Vic.
28:02I'd have to find out.
28:04God blimey, Governor.
28:05It's a tough old life and no mistakes.
28:07Do strike a light.
28:08I've come to deliver your coal.
28:11Well, I'll tell you one thing, Bob.
28:13I wouldn't like to be a coal man.
28:14Are you insinuating that such work's beneath you, Vic?
28:17I'm not saying that at all, no.
28:18It's a very worthwhile profession.
28:20But being a coal man, there's one very grave problem.
28:24What's that?
28:24Coal dust.
28:25Coal does what?
28:26Coal dust.
28:27Oh, coal dust.
28:28Coal dust.
28:29Oh, right.
28:29It sticks to your clothes, making them look all sooty and unattractive.
28:33And is there a solution to this, Vic?
28:35Oh, yes.
28:36All coalmen should take night jobs delivering sacks of flour.
28:39That way, their clothes will always be nice and light and clean.
28:43That is a top tip, Vic.
28:45Well done.
28:46Well, will you look at me?
28:47I'm as clean as a new pen and no must have.
28:50Thanks, fellas.
28:51You're a beer of duffs.
28:55Well, Vic, leaving aside work clothes, temporarily, mind, what if you're a celebrity such as Kenny
29:01Lynch or Lance Percival, you've always, in the public eye, you've always got to wear particularly
29:06fine raiment.
29:08We're talking fur, aren't we, Bob?
29:09I'm talking fur.
29:10That's good.
29:10We're both talking fur.
29:12That's a good starting point for the conversation.
29:13But you're quite right, yes, there was a time in Hollywood when those big stars would attend
29:18their opening galas, their charabang trips and their car boot sales, dressed in the finest
29:24floor-length fur coats.
29:25But no longer?
29:27Well, I couldn't wear them any longer the trip up, wouldn't I?
29:29No, Vic, no longer.
29:30Not anymore.
29:31No longer.
29:32Oh, I'm with you.
29:34Right, yes, well, you're quite right, but those days are long gone because animal rights
29:38activists have put a stop to those shenanigans.
29:41Fur coats are no longer de rigueur.
29:42But is there a way round this blanket, ban, ladies and gentlemen?
29:46Who better to ask than little comedy megastar Jimmy Cranky?
29:50Whenever I'm getting ready to go out to a Swiss Hollywood gala, I know that I can't wear
29:56a fur coat because animals have been deliberately killed to make it.
30:02I've got round this problem by using animals that have been killed by accident.
30:08I just pick up the crushed bodies of the small animals which have been run over, and I pop
30:15them into the boot of my pedal car.
30:17Once the boot is full, I can make this stylish fur coat.
30:23Van Damme Dozee!
30:27Well, wasn't that a cranky idea?
30:29And talking of special events, ladies, you can knock them dead at Royal Ascot this year
30:34simply by going into your garage or garden shed, getting the biggest item you can find,
30:40and wearing it on your head.
30:42And on that stylish note, it's goodbye from the Top Tips Fashion Roadshow.
30:47See you soon.
30:48Bye!
30:50Well, this year at Ascot Flob, I'm wearing the Cavalier hat.
30:53What, like the four musketeers?
30:55No, a box-hole Cavalier.
30:57Oh, the car?
30:57Yeah.
30:58In fact, it is a box-hole Cavalier.
30:59Brought to rust, you know.
31:01Are they?
31:01Yeah.
31:01Maybe I won't bother it.
31:03What will you wear it with?
31:04Slingbacks.
31:05Oh, of course.
31:06They're all mine.
31:09Top Tips!
31:13Top Tips!
31:21Hello, Bob.
31:22I've just been harnessing the power of the wind.
31:24Oh, nice one, Vic.
31:25And, of course, Merry Christmas to you.
31:27Pardon?
31:27Merry Christmas, Vic.
31:28But it's only May.
31:30Yeah, but, Vic, you can bet your bottom dollar the supermarkets will soon have the Christmas
31:33items in, and I'm just stealing a march on them.
31:35Very good idea.
31:37So what's this you're doing here?
31:38Vic, I'm making attractive and decorative Christmas decorations with my old lottery tickets.
31:43What a good idea.
31:44Note the pinkness that entices.
31:46Hmm.
31:47And saving myself a lot of money.
31:48And, of course, a reminder of how much money I've blown on the lotto during the preceding
31:54year.
31:54Too much.
31:55I'll be bound.
31:56But you won't have any money to spend on presents, will you?
31:58No worries, Vic, because this year, I'll just finish that one.
32:01This year, I'm making my own presents.
32:03For example, a kaleidoscope.
32:05Wow, let me see that.
32:07That's fantastic.
32:08Vic.
32:08Well, it's not that good.
32:09Vic.
32:10That's not finished, that one.
32:11You put it down.
32:12This is the finished kaleidoscope.
32:14You'll see, coloured glass there, secured by cling film in a gossamer kind of way.
32:19Well, let me have a look at that.
32:21Let's see.
32:23Wow!
32:25That's exciting.
32:26That's very attractive, but it's a bit painful.
32:28Vic.
32:28I should have said.
32:29Vic.
32:30What?
32:30You're meant to keep it pointed downwards at all times.
32:34Well, I'll remember that next time.
32:36Thanks for telling us.
32:37And now, ladies and gentlemen, dozens, literally dozens more tips to show you.
32:42Just follow me.
32:44Come on, Vic.
32:47Hello.
32:48Christmas is such an expensive time of the year, but I've found a way to save hundreds
32:53of your English pounds.
32:54I've given up sending cards for presents to all my elderly relatives.
32:58I mean, most of them are totally gargaloopy anyway.
33:02Wow!
33:03It's like a winter wonderland in here.
33:05You bet, old man.
33:06It's fantastic, isn't it?
33:07What do you think of the tree?
33:08It's great, but the needles are falling off already.
33:10That's a bit of a worry, isn't it?
33:12It is a worry, Vic.
33:13It's plastic.
33:14I tell you what, Vic.
33:15I wish I had something more Christmassy to decorate it with other than guns and newspaper.
33:20Well, what about this?
33:21It's just an ordinary tampon.
33:23It's not a super tampon.
33:24No, it's just an ordinary tampon.
33:26All right, you apply glue to it and then dip it in glitter, and hey, presto, a beautiful
33:32Christmas tree bauble.
33:34That is a tip-top tampon tip, Vic.
33:37Nice one, but, you know, I instantly found myself thinking, where am I going to get glitter
33:41from?
33:42Yes, well, I know how you feel, because since the great glitter wars, there has been a
33:45bit of a dearth of glitter, hasn't there?
33:47What I do is take grains of salt and wrap them in tinfoil.
33:51Hey, presto, real glitter.
33:53Wow, it's like living in a world of glitter, because there's salt and sugar everywhere in
33:57the kitchen, Vic.
33:58Of course there is.
33:59Hmm.
34:00Anyway, have you got any other presents?
34:02Yeah.
34:02Oh, can I show you this one I got for my granny?
34:05What's that?
34:05It's a video recorder.
34:07That's not a video recorder.
34:08That's a toaster.
34:09Oh, I know that, Vic, but she won't.
34:11She's blind as a bat.
34:12She'll enjoy it.
34:14Excellent.
34:14Well, I can see I've been ever so grateful at your expensive Christmas gift.
34:19Hmm.
34:19What's this over here?
34:20Ah, that, Vic, is a Labrador puppy that I've purchased for me sister's daughter.
34:25Well, there's 190 days to go to Christmas.
34:27So what, old man?
34:28Well, you can't keep it locked up in there.
34:30It needs air, food and water.
34:32Well, all right, Vic.
34:33It seems a lot of trouble to go to for a cuddly toy.
34:36For a what?
34:37Cuddly toy.
34:38You mean it's not a real...
34:39Oh.
34:40You didn't.
34:41I thought it was a real dog.
34:42Vic.
34:42I feel stupid now.
34:45Embarrassed's the only word for it.
34:46Well, that's not strictly true, actually, Vic.
34:48According to Roger's Theosaurus, you could have used abashed, perplexed, humiliated or even disconcerted.
34:55Yes, or self-conscious, but that's hyphenated, so I can't use that one.
34:58Anyway, how do you send such a fragile gift as this through the post without it being damaged by, I
35:04don't know, an eager post office enthusiast?
35:06Simple, Vic.
35:08Maltesers.
35:09Small cheeses?
35:10No, Maltesers, Vic.
35:12You see, Maltesers make an ideal packaging material.
35:15Simply pop them into the box to surround your fragile item in a kind of chocolatey hug.
35:20Additionally, my niece can eat them when she receives the present as a kind of edible section of it.
35:27Great!
35:29As a one-time pioneer of transplant surgery and wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys, I've come to appreciate the
35:35value of giving the right present to the right person.
35:38For instance, if you're sending someone a high-tech skateboard such as this, here, now, then how about including a
35:45pair of paint rollers like these, here, now, which he can use as stabilisers to prevent him losing his balance
35:51or balance.
35:53What's more, when he becomes proficient, simply build him a couple of ramps in your living room and he can
35:58paint your ceiling in seconds.
35:59Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
36:08Wow!
36:08That looks festive.
36:09Where'd you get your snow from?
36:11Don't tell me.
36:12You got it out of the freezer.
36:13The ice from the freezer and you ran it through a cheese grater.
36:16No, no, no.
36:16I did think of that, Vic.
36:17But I couldn't be sure it would last all through Christmas.
36:20Do you see?
36:20So what I'm using is desiccated coconut.
36:23I simply glue the flakes to the window, and I get an ideal snow effect.
36:27I think you'd agree. Yeah.
36:28And the beauty is, is that after Christmas,
36:30you can chip off the flakes and fry them up as a treat for the kids.
36:34Mmm. And I would imagine you get the same effect from using mashed potato.
36:37Yeah. Or curry.
36:40I don't think with curry, no.
36:42But there are lots of foods that can be used in novel decorative ways, Vic.
36:46Right. For example, these pineapple rings
36:48make an ideal Christmas tree decoration.
36:51They slip over the branches easily there without the need for string or hooks.
36:55Yes. And don't throw the juice away.
36:56Simply put it on the mantelpiece as a delicious X-mas treat for Santa.
37:00A simple string of sausages draped around your room makes an ideal Christmas decoration.
37:05But don't forget to cook them before you give them to the kiddies.
37:08What I've done here is alternate them with Brussels sprouts
37:11to make a truly colourful Christmas decoration.
37:14That's right. And they won't rot the kiddies' teeth.
37:17I'm really looking forward to having a good time
37:18and having lots of people around for dinner.
37:20Who are you having round, then?
37:21Well, I thought of having a family reunion,
37:23but I can't seem to get in touch with anyone.
37:24Any ideas?
37:26Not personally, Vic, no.
37:27But here to answer your question are country and western singers
37:30Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton.
37:32Howdy, y'all.
37:34Yeah, howdy, y'all.
37:36Whenever we're recording a million solid albums
37:39or performing at the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville,
37:42we always enjoy having our family and friends around us.
37:47You sure can't beat the want of having your kinfolk close by,
37:51but how do you track them all down, Kenny?
37:54Easy!
37:55You just go on the old TV and announce that you've won that there National Lottery.
38:05Relatives you never knew you have will come out of the woodwork.
38:10Yee-haw!
38:11Yee-haw, Kenny.
38:12Let's you and me do a song together.
38:14Yeah, right there.
38:15Yee-haw, yee-haw, darling!
38:18Jolene!
38:19Jolene!
38:20Jolene!
38:22Jolene!
38:23Well, that just about covers Christmas.
38:26Hey, oldie roses, Vic.
38:27I just want to finish these delicious Christmas puddings, if you don't mind.
38:30Oh, how lovely.
38:31Have you popped a sixpence in them?
38:33No, I'm not using sixpences, Vic.
38:35I use these tiny little numbered discs.
38:37What are they all for?
38:38Well, I pop one into each pudding, right?
38:40And then I can identify who's eaten which pudding.
38:44Now, you know at Christmas old people get a bit spewy?
38:47Yeah.
38:47Right?
38:47Through over-drinking.
38:48Yeah.
38:49If they spew up on my carpet, I can identify the culprit via the disc.
38:53What a good idea!
38:54And you can damn well make them clean up after themselves!
38:58Exactly!
38:58Well, until the next Top Tip, it's Happy Christmas from the both of us.
39:03Happy Christmas.
39:04Goodbye.
39:05Goodbye.
39:06Top tips!
39:09Top tips!
39:12What's up?
39:15Yeah.
39:16I've just murdered a man using cold blood.
39:18Yes.
39:19I heard the cries.
39:20What are you doing anyway?
39:21I fell out of bed this morning and I accidentally detached me retina.
39:25Ooh!
39:26That can happen!
39:26That happened to me, actually, Vic.
39:28I remember I spent a fortune on corrective surgery as well.
39:31Well, I've eliminated that problem by doing it myself.
39:33I simply open the lid of my CD player here
39:37and I stare at the laser whilst it's switched on.
39:39And how's your sight now?
39:41Well, it's perfectly fine as long as you stand right in front of me and don't move.
39:44Oh, well, that's not bad, is it?
39:45Hey, Vic, have you seen this?
39:46You'll like this.
39:48What the hell's that?
39:50Vic, it's an orthopedic car seat made from ping-pong balls filled with cement
39:55and attached to an old string vest.
39:57Well, you'll certainly notice a difference when you're driving with that.
40:00Especially when I'm driving, Vic.
40:02Well, come on, reveal all, Vic.
40:03What is the topic for discussion on Tip Top Top Tips today?
40:07Well, coincidentally, it's health, fitness and hygiene.
40:11For instance, did you know it's possible to stay perfectly clean without ever washing?
40:16Don't be so stupid.
40:18It's true, man!
40:19You wrap yourself in masking tape every night, in the morning,
40:22simply peel it off and the dirt has stuck itself to the sticky side of the tape.
40:26It might just work.
40:27It sounds too good to be true, though, Vic.
40:29There must be a drawback.
40:30Well, you lose all your pubic hair.
40:32Oh, right.
40:32Well, it's a small price to pay for personal hygiene, Vic.
40:35It's very important, you know.
40:37I know.
40:37If you look after your personal hygiene, you'll be an altogether happier person.
40:41And does that apply to everyone?
40:43Absolutely everyone, Vic.
40:44Everyone can do something, even if it's only a little bit, to improve themselves.
40:48What, even fat people and bald heads?
40:50I think particularly fatties and bald people, Vic.
40:53Fat people, for me, should employ someone to walk a few yards behind them.
40:57I don't know, perhaps a juggler, fire eater, something like that.
41:00Right.
41:00To distract the public's attention away from their fatness and their fat ways.
41:06Right.
41:06So, bald people, bald people should have one of these.
41:09What is it?
41:10It's exciting, isn't it?
41:11Very exciting.
41:12Well, it's a bit of carpet attached to some elastic, Vic.
41:15Now, what the bald person does is he touches his baldness with the tool.
41:20Right.
41:20And he'll believe that he's got a full head of hair, increasing his self-esteem sky high.
41:28That's marvellous, because a friend of mine was so depressed about his appearance that he tried to hang himself.
41:33Fortunately, he was a bit indecisive and he used bungee rope.
41:36Oh, well, at least he survived, then.
41:38Oh, he didn't survive.
41:39Oh, dear.
41:39Oh, no, no, because he bounced back and destroyed his mind on the ceiling.
41:44I'll tell you what, Vic.
41:45Let's go and get fit.
41:46What a good idea.
41:48Come on.
41:48Come on, then.
41:50Oh, your retina's still detached, then, Vic.
41:53No, I think it's popped back into place.
41:57As one-time director of covert operations at the CIA and quality control tester for deputy dog movies,
42:04I know how distressing a beastie can be.
42:06That's why I encouraged my wife to endure a painful and expensive liposuction.
42:11Furthermore, by timing it to coincide with Christmas,
42:13we were able to use the excess fat drained and removed from her stomach and buttocks
42:17to baste the turkey and roast the potatoes.
42:21Even four years on, I can still taste them.
42:47Wow, look at this temple of fitness, Vic.
42:50Vic, it's wonderful.
42:51It's beautiful, isn't it?
42:52Well, Vic, tell me, do you really have to come here every day of the week for six or seven
42:57hours to get the body of a bodybuilder?
43:00Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Bob.
43:03There are other ways and means of achieving that look.
43:05For instance, you could wear a vest that's too tight for you.
43:07Yeah?
43:08And walk around like you're holding two rolled-up carpets under each arm.
43:11I'll try that.
43:11Give it a go.
43:12See how you feel with it.
43:14Hang your coat up.
43:15Like that?
43:16That's the look.
43:17Now, come this way.
43:18If you want to improve your basic physical fitness, you could always use a bike.
43:25Sorry, love.
43:26He's got no right to talk to you like that.
43:28You're really rather attractive.
43:29I was talking about the machine.
43:32You see, these exercise bikes, Bob, are good for the hearts.
43:36They're good for the lungs.
43:38And unlike the conventional bike, you don't have to suffer flat tires or getting those flies stuck in your teeth
43:44or wedged in your eye juice.
43:46But, Vic, man, I much prefer the exhilaration of a real bike riding out in the English countryside.
43:51And to protect myself from those flies, Vic, I use these.
43:56What the hell are them?
43:57Vic?
43:59It's a pair of tea strainers tied together.
44:02No flies will penetrate.
44:04This steely mask, I can tell you.
44:06Actually, you look a bit like a fly yourself.
44:08And by inserting a piece of orange in my mouth, Vic, there's no way into my mind via my mouth
44:15for those flies.
44:17Very smart.
44:24Pardon?
44:25It's a kind of gum shield.
44:57So, have you always been a fan strapping Adonis?
44:59Well, I watched it on Golden Pond five times and I didn't spot one single exercise in it.
45:05Apart from rowing.
45:06Yeah, there's the rowing in there.
45:11So, as you can see, ladies and gentlemen, the gym is the ideal place to tone up your body and
45:16lose some weight.
45:17And here's a little routine that might assist you with your dieting.
45:20What's that, Vic?
45:21Wear yourself.
45:23That's a tip-top tip, ladies and gentlemen.
45:25Vic, can you help us with the perennial problem of knowing perhaps when you're overdoing it diet-wise?
45:30Well, yes, when your knees become flatter than your legs, it's time to turn once again to our old friend,
45:36the donut.
45:38Hello, big girls.
45:39I know all about staying in shape.
45:41It's all about willpower.
45:43I'm on two diets at the moment.
45:45Well, you don't get enough food with one.
45:54I'm a personal friend of Felix the cat and Sinbad the sailor.
46:00Now, swimming, Vic, that's a good exercise.
46:02Marvellous exercise.
46:04Marvellous.
46:04It tones up the whole body.
46:06Do you know, a good swim is the equivalent of a five-mile run.
46:09In fact, my local pool's drained all the water out and you just have a five-mile run.
46:13But, Vic, what if you're a non-swimmer or you live miles from the nearest swimming pool?
46:18Well, that's a very good point.
46:19Let me demonstrate.
46:20Here's an ordinary man.
46:21Here.
46:22Hello, man.
46:23Now, then, what you need to do is put the goggles on the man.
46:26Man, put the goggles on.
46:27The goggles are now going on the man.
46:29Yes.
46:29You fill the goggles with water.
46:31Man's goggles filling with water, Vic.
46:33There we are.
46:34Now, immerse the man's head in the bowl of water.
46:38Immersing head in water, Vic.
46:39We simply then squirt water into the ears.
46:44Hey, Presto.
46:45All the pleasure and enjoyment of a trip to the swimming pool without the inconvenience and expense.
46:49How was it for you, man?
46:50Marvellous.
46:51Wonderful.
46:52I enjoyed that so much, I think I'll take up swimming.
46:55Well, there you are.
46:55You'll need these.
46:56Yes.
46:56Hans, man.
46:58Simply apply these and he's ready for swimming.
47:01Yes, there's the men's rings on.
47:02Well, you never know.
47:03I might win a gold medal.
47:05Don't be stupid.
47:07Bluff it.
47:14You know, the thing I don't like about swimming, Bob, is the chlorine in it gets in your eyes and
47:18makes them all red.
47:19I know what you mean.
47:20And it's interesting you should bring that up to Dave all days, Vic, because I've brought along a variant of
47:24me fly filtration system.
47:26Do you remember that?
47:26I remember that and I enjoyed it.
47:28I've got it here now and it's been personal chlorine filtration system or puss-a-fuss-a.
47:37Puss-a-fuss-a.
47:38Puss-a-fuss-a.
47:38Puss-a-fuss-a.
47:39That's a very, very catchy abbreviation.
47:41But to me, Bob, even with my retina only slightly detached, I can see that that's nothing more than a
47:47pair of tea bags attached to a bit of string.
47:49Look, do you want to keep the chlorine out of your eyes or not?
47:51I'm sorry.
47:52I'm sorry.
47:53Well, that's all right.
47:53You've apologised.
47:54That's nice.
47:55I've forgotten what you said already.
47:56Right.
47:56What was it that you said?
47:58I was just mocking your eye patched things.
48:00You bastard.
48:02Anyway, what do you think, Vic?
48:03Well, I'm immediately thinking stylish and effective.
48:08In fact, it's not so much a top tip as a PG tip.
48:13I'll never forgive you for that joke, Vic.
48:16Never, ever, ever forgive you for that.
48:19I can't forgive you, Vic.
48:21Not in ten years, twenty years, fifty years.
48:24I'll never forget it.
48:26Never.
48:28Well, I think about now's the time we address the problem of what happens if a fire breaks out in
48:33your house whilst you are out of it.
48:36What, you mean you're drunk?
48:37No, I don't mean if you're drunk.
48:39I mean if you're not in your house.
48:42And who better to ask than Colonel Gaddafi?
48:45The British Empire is on tonight, yes?
48:47Good.
48:48Whenever I'm out down the pub or off negotiating a delicate piece of deals in other countries, I know that
48:56my bedsit in Libya is safe from fire.
48:59Thanks to these.
49:01Instead of having expensive smoke alarms, I've got hundreds, hundreds of balloons like this, full of water, suspended from my
49:12ceiling.
49:13Then I've covered the floor with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck on the top like so.
49:21In the event of a fire, the temperature will cause the air-filled balloon to rise from the floor.
49:29And the pins will burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the fire.
49:35Probably.
49:37My mother-in-law, talk about fat, it's ideal for cooking with.
49:41Well, now I've reached the peak of physical fitness.
49:45The right diet is vital.
49:47And that's why I've started eating this low-fat yoghurt.
49:50It's a good idea, Vic, but the problem with that low-fat yoghurt is it's too runny.
49:54Ah, now then, I've thought about that because by simply adding a nice spoonful of lard, I can thicken it
50:01up a little.
50:01That's a good idea.
50:03Nice one.
50:04I'll tell you what, here's a tip for losing weight, right?
50:07Dispense with using sugar in your coffee and use sand instead.
50:12Because it doesn't dissolve, you can use it again and again and again.
50:15That's right, Vic.
50:16Well, now we've got the perfect bodies, what else is it to do?
50:19Well, in my opinion, a deep, healthy golden tan gives a healthy glow to any physique.
50:25But, Vic, how do I achieve this tan, of which you rightly speak so fondly,
50:28without expensive sunbed treatments or going for holidays in hot climates?
50:32Well, what I use is this.
50:34It's exterior wood stain.
50:36It gives a lovely, healthy mahogany tan and if it rains, you won't rot.
50:42It does exactly what it says on the can.
50:46Don't know about you, Vic, but I'm going to go and have a look at the spa.
50:48Ah, I think I'll join you.
50:50Of course, you can create your own spa at home.
50:54Yeah.
50:54Shall I tell you how?
50:56Well, you simply fill your bath with water, put about 16 kilos of salt in it
51:00and then you've recreated your own dead sea.
51:03That is a top tip, Vic.
51:06How's your retina, by the way?
51:07It's pretty good.
51:08Actually, it's fine.
51:09Oh, nice one.
51:10Nice of you.
51:15Yes, the retina's fine.
51:39Yes, the retina's fine.
51:40Nice of you.
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