- 2 days ago
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01:01Oh, you can put your feet down. I finished over there five minutes ago.
01:07Oh, well, yes, I knew that. It's just that I, you know, I like sitting awkwardly.
01:13Oh, you are in the way. Why do you have to sit there?
01:15Because you have moved me from there to there to there. I mean, would you like me to hang on
01:19the lampshade?
01:20Oh, no. Sit down there. Thank you.
01:23Well, they've got to clean the place twice a year, whether it needs it or not.
01:27This loaf must have been in the bread bin for ages.
01:30Oh, please.
01:33This one is cereal from Hounslow. Nice one, Cyril.
01:39Honestly, this place is full of a load of rubbish.
01:42Don't look at me. I pay my rent.
01:44Listen, what's that you're throwing away?
01:45Oh, I don't know. It looks like a packet of instant mildew.
01:48Tell you what, if I help chip in, you know...
01:53It'll take days. Sit down.
01:55Right.
01:55Don't. Don't. You can clear through the records. Some of them aren't ours.
01:59Oh, all right. Actually, I was going to clear them up after the party, you know, but somehow the week's
02:02passed.
02:03Well, the paintwork needs washing down. You can help there.
02:06Right. I'll find you some music to do it by.
02:08Hey! Someone stubbed a cigarette out in the ashtray.
02:11So? What's wrong with that?
02:12There's nothing wrong with it. It's just that it's rare.
02:15Aha. Aha. Here we are. Frank Sinatra. Songs for swinging scrubbers.
02:22You know, scrubbers. Lovers. Scrubbers.
02:26Oh, well.
02:35All right. Which one of you did it?
02:39Come on, owner.
02:41It was you, wasn't it?
02:43You've got a guilty look on your face.
02:47It's your fault, really. You're supposed to potty train them.
02:51Hello, mate.
02:52Hey. Listen, I brought your records back from the party.
02:55Oh.
02:55I'm afraid I broke a few.
02:57Oh?
02:57Yeah, well, I just didn't like them.
02:59Oh, look. You've had pups. Congratulations.
03:03Not me, mate.
03:06I'll tell you, I reckon it was that little chihuahua down the street.
03:09Oh, come on.
03:10Yeah.
03:11She probably couldn't stop me for laughing.
03:13Yeah.
03:15Hey, when's your birthday?
03:16Uh, well, February.
03:18Many happy returns.
03:20Now, come on.
03:22Now, come on. I don't...
03:25I definitely don't want one.
03:28Look, I've got to get rid of them.
03:31Listen, I bring a bird here back last night, right?
03:34Laying on the couch, right?
03:36Suddenly I feel this hot little tongue in the ear.
03:38One of them.
03:39Would I be complaining if it wasn't?
03:41I'll take one.
03:42They're all house trained.
03:43Yeah, you've trained them to do it in the house.
03:46As a favour to me, eh?
03:48I've asked everyone else.
03:49They all changed the subject.
03:51Listen, what do you think of Fulham's chances for the cup?
03:54Listen, they're pure pedigree.
03:56There's at least half a dozen pedigree breeds in any one of them.
03:58No, no.
03:59I'm sorry. I suffer from lumbophobia.
04:01What?
04:01Well, I get this, you know, morbid fear of being lumbered.
04:04I'll tell you what.
04:05Listen, there's, you know, Jim Down, the landlord at the Mucky Duck.
04:07He said he was looking for a dog.
04:09Straight up?
04:09Yeah, which one do you think he'd like?
04:11Well...
04:11Go on, pick anyone.
04:12Any one of the three.
04:12Go on.
04:13It's like find the lady.
04:14Yeah, lady?
04:16Uh, here you go.
04:17All yours.
04:18The only one.
04:19What?
04:19Well, I can't go down there, can I?
04:21I owe him two quid on the slate.
04:23Anyway, it's more your local than mine.
04:24Yeah, but why me?
04:26Because you're a mate.
04:27Because you've got a warm heart.
04:29Because I don't want to start rumours that you go around in women's underwear.
04:33You'd do that, wouldn't you?
04:35Anyway, she likes you.
04:37Oh, look.
04:38She's wetted herself.
04:44I'll take her with me when I go to the pub tonight, all right?
04:46Good.
04:47I don't like dogs.
04:48No?
04:48No, not since I was bitten by a kennel owner.
04:50Listen, I think the stain's coming out now.
04:53All I need now is something to get rid of the stain left by the stain remover.
04:57Oh, look.
04:58She's got a lovely wet nose.
05:00Yes, it's the other end you've got to watch.
05:03Listen, there's no point getting too attached to her because she's not staying.
05:05She can't stay.
05:06Mrs. Roper won't let us have a dog.
05:07She's a bitch.
05:08Yeah, maybe, but she won't let us have a dog.
05:11It's in the lease.
05:12No dogs, no children.
05:14They've got a budgie?
05:15Yeah, but it hardly ever barks, does it?
05:17Oh, look, I bet you've never had a dog.
05:20Wrong.
05:21My father had a Demberman pincher.
05:22It could fail you with a lick.
05:23Oh, really?
05:24Yeah.
05:25Three pounds of meat a day.
05:26When it finally died, the economy of Argentina collapsed.
05:29Listen, there's no point in going on about because she's not staying.
05:34She is cute, though, isn't she?
05:35Hey?
05:36Oh, look, look, look.
05:37Look at those sharp little teeth.
05:39Oh, good-bye.
05:41Good-bye.
05:46Like bloody needles.
05:49Don't think she would accept it, do you?
05:51I bet she was a little bit hungry.
05:53Hey, Jim.
05:54Jim, you know you were looking for a dog, right?
05:57Well, I've got a little surprise for you.
06:01There we are.
06:05Snap.
06:06Listen, where did you get that from?
06:07That friend of yours, what's his name?
06:09Larry.
06:10Larry, yeah.
06:10Yeah, somebody told him I was looking for a dog, so he sent it round.
06:13Nice of him, wasn't he?
06:15What a friend.
06:18Oh, you've just missed him.
06:19Oh, it's all right.
06:20I only want to tell him something.
06:21Yeah, well, he's gone down to the pub with the dog.
06:23Ah, well, he'll know already, then.
06:26Will I, uh, I won't hang about.
06:27Oh, don't go.
06:28You can do something for me.
06:29Oh, yeah?
06:29Yeah, just wait there a sec.
06:31I'm just going to get these off.
06:32Oh, yeah?
06:35Yeah, but I've been trying to do it on my own, but it's very difficult.
06:38Oh, yeah.
06:38Yeah.
06:40Here, it's nothing too strenuous, is it?
06:42Honey, me back's been playing me up lately.
06:44Bobby Clark can do it.
06:45You can do it.
06:46Oh, yeah.
06:48Do what?
06:51Help me to pin this up.
06:52Oh, yeah.
06:55You thought your ship had come in then, didn't you?
06:58About an inch off the floor so people can see my sexy toes.
07:01I could do this better if I was working from the inside.
07:04You could whistle better if you had all your teeth.
07:07He was deliberately lumbering me.
07:10That's what he was doing.
07:12Don't you try and hide.
07:14Oh, look.
07:15Now, listen, look.
07:16See, when you left yesterday afternoon, I got to thinking.
07:18I thought, if I did the landlord a favour, he might wipe me slate clean.
07:22And you did say he wanted a dog.
07:23What's this, a butterfly?
07:25Oh, that's a bitch, innit?
07:27So I took him a dog.
07:28Oh, what's the difference?
07:29Small but vital.
07:31Listen, you deliberately conned me to take this just to get it off your hands, didn't you?
07:35Never.
07:35Oh, yes, you did.
07:36Listen, you thought I was going to get attached to this, didn't you?
07:37Well, you are a bit wet sometimes.
07:39You're always down my arm.
07:40No way.
07:41All right.
07:42Mind you, it is the last one.
07:44I gave the other one to a Jehovah's Witness who not.
07:46Listen, just take it away.
07:47Dump it on somebody else.
07:48All right.
07:50Uh, I don't know whether you'd, uh, fancy, you know, like...
07:53I can't.
07:54We're not allowed to keep a dog.
07:55All right, all right.
07:57It's a shame, no?
07:58I tried everyone else, I know.
08:00I'll just have to have a put down.
08:03Dale, don't blame yourselves.
08:05We don't.
08:06Do you, uh, do you want to say goodbye?
08:08It's the last time you'll see her.
08:09Look, get out.
08:25Yes, well.
08:27Joe, help me pin this up, will you?
08:29OK, OK.
08:35Look, he won't do it, you know.
08:38I mean, he won't have a put down.
08:40No.
08:42I mean, not in a million years.
08:43No.
08:48On the other hand, he might.
08:49Yes.
08:50But, I mean, that's not our responsibility.
08:52I mean, not really.
08:56I mean, it's got nothing to do with us, does it?
09:00I mean, you know, I'm not going to, I'm not going to lose a night's sleep of a silly little
09:03dog.
09:05Oh, for goodness sake, go and get her.
09:06Right.
09:08Well, come on, OK.
09:10That's the reason you can set through this.
09:13Wait a minute, Larry.
09:15Oh, bring her in and we'll feed her.
09:17What about that Chinese fella from that takeaway place?
09:19He was looking for a dog.
09:20Yes, but what for?
09:24Oh, I hope she's not one out of the ten dogs that doesn't like this stuff.
09:28Oh, somebody must want one.
09:30Who's the soft touch for big brown eyes and floppy ears?
09:33Well.
09:33Oh, apart from you.
09:35But the Rampers will go spare if they find out we're keeping a dog.
09:40Needless to hurry up with that, Jo, will you?
09:42She's beginning to sniff up my fingers again.
09:45Oh, hello.
09:46Oh, hello, dear.
09:47I was wondering, could I borrow just a little drop of milk?
09:50Yeah, sure.
09:51Robin, can you find a drop of milk for Mrs. Roper?
09:54Oh, yes.
09:55Just a minute.
09:57Keep her in the bedroom, rather, and keep her quiet, right?
10:06I had a drop, but it was not.
10:08Yeah, well, you see, our fridge defrosts every time we flush the toilet.
10:15You get a lot of that in these old houses.
10:17Is that enough?
10:18Oh, that's lovely, dear.
10:19I mean, it's only for his tea.
10:21Mr. Roper likes a milky tea with his dinner, you know.
10:24Oh.
10:25Have you been to the wars, have you?
10:27What?
10:27Oh, yes, it was bitten.
10:30It was bitten by...
10:32by Chrissie.
10:35Chrissie bit it.
10:36Well, he shouldn't have put it in my mouth.
10:40Oh, I see.
10:41Fun and games, eh?
10:44Oh, is that one of your recipes?
10:46Oh, it does look nice.
10:47Yes, that's, um...
10:50That's, uh, uh, uh, beuf...
10:51beuf bourguignon.
10:53Oh, is it?
10:54Hmm.
10:55Doesn't look a lot for three.
10:57Leftovers.
10:58Leftovers.
10:58Yeah, he was just about to throw it away.
10:59Yeah, that was far too much for us three, too.
11:01Oh, dear, don't do that.
11:04Oh, no.
11:06I mean, that would be a terrible waste,
11:08what, with you being such a good cook and all.
11:10I mean, you must have spent hours over that.
11:12Well, I did, but I really don't think you...
11:13No, no, really.
11:15No.
11:15No, come on.
11:17I'll, uh, I'll give it to Mr. Roper.
11:21You know, make a little treat for him.
11:23I'll warm it up for his dinner.
11:24There we go.
11:25I'll, uh, I'll give it to Mr. Roper.
11:56Listen, that liver was supposed to see us through the weekend.
11:59Well, you gave away her dinner.
12:01I didn't give it away. It was taken.
12:03Listen, supposing Roper eats that stuff, you know, and dies.
12:07Then what's that going to do for my reputation as a chef?
12:09Oh, it's only horse meat.
12:11They eat it all the time, with Grants.
12:13Yeah, not with bone meal and marabone jelly, they do.
12:16Well, it'll give him a nice, rich, glossy coat.
12:19Oh, come on, he might not even eat it.
12:21Well, I'll tell you an easy way to find out.
12:23Next time you see him, throw a stick, and if he fetches it...
12:25You're not at all worried, are you?
12:28Well, it's all right.
12:28Mrs Roper will dish it up with chips and peas or a handful of Winnerlot.
12:31You'll never know the difference.
12:33Listen, according to this date stamp, this should have been eaten last week.
12:37Listen, I really think I should go down and stop Roper, don't you?
12:41Oh, dear.
12:42This sweet beggar all on the box again tonight.
12:45I don't know what we pay our licence fee for.
12:47We don't, George.
12:49One of these days, you're going to come knocking at that door.
12:51Yeah, well, I told you what you say.
12:53We thought it was included in the water rates.
12:56Well, I can't do you for an honest mistake.
12:58We haven't paid them, either.
13:01Yeah, well, if you paid them before the final demand,
13:03they think you're sucking up to them.
13:06What's that horrible smell?
13:08It's a little treat, George.
13:10There.
13:11Something a bit special.
13:13Birth bourguignon.
13:14Oh, yeah.
13:16It's French.
13:17Oh, that's foreign.
13:18Well, not for the French, it isn't.
13:21It's got bits in it.
13:22Look at that.
13:23Bits of jelly.
13:24Well, if they're in there,
13:27they're supposed to be in there.
13:29Are you having any of it?
13:31Oh, no.
13:31There wasn't enough for two.
13:33I'm making do with a little bit of old state and kidney.
13:40You reckon this is good stuff, then, do you?
13:43I mean, you know, tasty and all that.
13:45Oh, yes, George.
13:46Yeah.
13:46Then you have it.
13:49I'm making do with a state and kidney.
13:51I don't want any old foreigner out of a packet.
13:53It is not out of a packet.
13:56Oh, honestly, you never try anything new.
13:59It's a wonder you ever came off rusks.
14:03Good old English food.
14:04That's what I like.
14:05Grub you can pronounce.
14:06Ah, good evening.
14:07Ah, Mr. Robert.
14:07Ah, no, no, no.
14:08Sorry, I suppose to end like this,
14:09but I really can't allow you to do that.
14:11Sorry.
14:12No, honestly, it's better this way.
14:13You wouldn't like it anyway, believe me.
14:14Well, it's just a murderous mind, isn't it?
14:15Oh, no, I'm sorry.
14:16It's far better this way.
14:20Honestly, believe me, it would do you no good.
14:25I mean, you run the side of the rest.
14:30I'm going to break them like this.
14:32I'm going to break them like this.
14:33Good luck.
14:42She sland my dinner in the bin.
14:47Yes, George, you did.
14:49Oh, no.
14:50Isn't it marvellous, eh?
14:54I will try that beef burger off after all.
14:58Oh, no.
15:07Oh, no.
15:21Shh, shh, shh, be quiet, be quiet, be quiet.
15:23Come on, now, what's the matter with you, eh?
15:25Come on, what do you want?
15:26Shush.
15:26It's one o'clock in the morning.
15:28Why are you whimpering?
15:29It's not me, it's her.
15:30I was talking to her.
15:32Listen, I've given her a slipper to chew.
15:33She's hardly touched it.
15:34Shh, she's got to wake the whole house up.
15:36Look, can't you take her to bed with you?
15:38Yeah, there might be fleas.
15:39Yeah, but the puppy won't mind.
15:42Anything, anything to keep it quiet.
15:44It's a rope.
15:45Shh.
15:45Look, can't you rock it?
15:47I would if I could find a rock.
15:53It's not her fault.
15:54She's just not tired, that's all.
15:56One of us should take her for a walk.
15:57Yeah, that's a good idea.
15:58Good idea.
15:59Which one?
16:01Stupid question, really, wasn't it?
16:06No, just, come on.
16:16Now look.
16:17Are you?
16:18Or aren't you?
16:20One more time round the block and that's your...
16:23Oh, come on, come on.
16:33Come on, Prince.
16:41Just, uh, taking the dog for a walk.
16:43Yeah, me and all.
16:45A bit of pressure as a dog, Wimprey.
16:47Yeah.
16:48You want to see his teeth.
16:49Yes, sir.
16:50I know what you mean.
17:09Don't worry about them.
17:10They're the worst of the lot.
17:12Hello, Charlie.
17:18Nard scotch, is it?
17:19Uh, hmm.
17:20Here, you take hold of Prince.
17:22Thanks.
17:23Go on, sit yourself down.
17:31Evening.
17:37Same again, fellas?
17:39Sit right up, right.
17:46I'm not driving.
18:19Well, I haven't even got a car.
18:20Especially, please.
18:21Ha.
18:25Do you like dogs?
18:28Vinegar, pimentos, garlic, shallots, lemons, oranges, sugar, spices.
18:34Contents, five fluid ounces.
18:36This sauce may be used with all kinds of fish, fried, grilled or boiled.
18:39With steaks, chops or cutlets, roast or boiled meats.
18:43Made in England.
18:45Printed by J.W. Stoner, Wolverhampton-Royce.
18:47All right.
18:47I can't get the Sunday papers in a minute.
18:49Good.
18:50Well, I've got to give the dog a breakfast.
18:53Oh.
18:54And talking of dogs breakfast, what time did you get in this morning?
18:56Oh, I don't know.
18:57About half past three.
18:58I couldn't really focus on the clock.
18:59Must have been a long walk.
19:00Oh, no, not really.
19:01We ended up at the Mucky Duck.
19:04These three...
19:05Oh, no.
19:05No, I don't think so.
19:07Do you know what?
19:07These three policemen, you see, we started playing this game, uh, Burst the Breath Lines.
19:14And after that, it all went a bit vague.
19:17Oh, do you ever get the feeling that your tongue's inside out?
19:19No, well, I'm just going to get the Sunday papers.
19:21Would you like some aspirin?
19:22What, those blinding white tablets?
19:24No, thank you.
19:27Cyanide?
19:28Yes, two lumps, please.
19:30It's all in the mind, you know.
19:32All you've got to do is just say, I haven't got a hangover.
19:35I don't think I'd believe me.
19:37Goodbye for the hangover like you've got.
19:39Actually, perhaps the hair of the dog would talk me out, eh?
19:42I mean, there's an up around her, isn't there?
19:43Where is she?
19:44What, the dog?
19:45Yeah.
19:45Well, she was here a minute ago.
19:47WHISTLE BLOWS
19:50WHISTLE BLOWS
19:51WHISTLE BLOWS
19:55WHISTLE BLOWS
19:55WHISTLE BLOWS
19:56Oh, hello.
19:59Hello.
20:01Well, then, where did you spring from?
20:05Oh, hello.
20:07WHISTLE BLOWS
20:12She's not in the bedrooms or the bathrooms.
20:14But we should have given her a name, then we could call her.
20:16Well, how about Lady, eh?
20:18Come on, Lady.
20:19Lady, Lady.
20:19Well, she doesn't know that's a name yet, does she?
20:21Well, we'll tell her when we find her.
20:23That's not the point.
20:25Lady, Lady.
20:25Oh, no, the front door.
20:27Joe left the front door open.
20:29It was on the doorstep, George, just now.
20:32Yeah, well, throw it over next door's garden.
20:34They'll never know.
20:35Oh, no, no, no.
20:37Honestly, don't be so cruel.
20:39Oh, no, no, no.
20:40Morning.
20:41Morning, look.
20:42Isn't it sweet?
20:43I found it on the doorstep.
20:44Oh, did you really?
20:45Yeah, just now.
20:46You got any idea who it belongs to?
20:48No.
20:48No, no.
20:49None at all?
20:49Yeah, well, sling it out.
20:50He'll probably find his way home.
20:52Oh, honestly, you are in a mood this morning.
20:54Well, I've been awake half the night with indigestion.
20:58Well, look, I mean, if no one claims it, we might be able to keep it.
21:05That's a good idea.
21:06The flashing idea?
21:07Yeah, just a moment.
21:08No dogs allowed.
21:09Well, that's only for the tenants, George.
21:11I mean, who's going to tell on you?
21:13Good point.
21:13Yeah, I mean, you're the one who always tells on everyone else.
21:16Ah, I expect you're hungry, aren't you?
21:19Yeah, she likes liver.
21:21Um, she looks as if she might like liver.
21:23That's what I meant.
21:24Oh, I see.
21:26Oh, you found out.
21:27Yes, found outside.
21:29Stray out, not in.
21:31Don't know who it belongs to.
21:33Look, come on, the papers will be getting cold.
21:36George, I've always wanted a dog.
21:39Er, just another licence we'll have to buy.
21:42Right.
21:42Well, we'll say we thought it was included in the water rates.
21:45Go on.
21:50Surbiton housewife accuses vicar.
21:53He said he was showing me yoga positions.
21:56In the Sunday Times?
21:58Hmm?
21:58Yeah, well, you know, this vicar's a radical theologian.
22:01It sounds it.
22:03I don't know.
22:03I miss it, though.
22:04Well, move to Surbiton.
22:08The dog.
22:09What?
22:09The dog?
22:10Oh, yes.
22:10Well, I mean, he's got a good home.
22:12I think everything's worked out rather nicely, actually.
22:14Yep.
22:15You know, I think we touched lucky there.
22:18Oh, hello, Tim.
22:19Morning.
22:20Morning.
22:20You were a bit fog and mist last night, weren't you?
22:22Well, I wouldn't say that.
22:23You must have been.
22:25You took my dog home and left your bitch behind.
22:27What?
22:28Here she is.
22:30Now, where's mine?
22:30Um, well...
22:34APPLAUSE
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