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00:00With more tips than a brightly coloured selection of children's felt-tip pens,
00:03but it's reasonably priced too, assuming you've paid for it and not nicked it.
00:06If you have nicked it, give yourself up, son.
00:08Yeah, give yourself up, son.
00:10Give yourself up is not worth risking a fine or a possible custodial sentence.
00:13Or if you're below the edge of criminal responsibility
00:15and all expenses paid holiday in the Maasai Mara Game Reserve
00:19with other offenders of similar ilk.
00:21Mmm, very nice.
00:23Actually, that's not bad for the price of a video.
00:25It's not, Vic, and it's a very good tip to start with.
00:27Now, how to get the best out of this tape?
00:30On no account, try shoving it in the toaster.
00:32Or in a toasted sandwich maker or pie maker,
00:35as this may distort the picture beyond recognition.
00:38Also, under no circumstances, attempt to insert into a Labrador,
00:41as the chance of retrieving the tape are bordering on the impossible.
00:44They're terribly unreliable, are Labradors.
00:46They never return tapes on time.
00:48What you should do is to put the tape in one of these.
00:55Thank you for buying this video.
00:57Not only is it packed with more tips than a brightly coloured selection...
01:04Top tips...
01:08Top tips...
01:09Top tips...
01:13Top tips...
01:15Top tips...
01:17Top tips...
01:18Top tips...
01:21Hello!
01:21Hello! Here we are in our shed, ready to offer you more advice
01:25than you've ever been advised to offer yourself in the past or indeed the future.
01:28That's right, Vic. Nice punchy start. I liked it.
01:31Now, there's probably been many occasions when you've been sitting down trying to do a particularly
01:35big job, thinking there must be an easier way of doing this. Well, there is, and that's why we're here.
01:42That's right. If you've got problems in your life, we're here to tell you exactly what to do and where
01:48to go.
01:48But first, an important safety note.
01:50I've read it, and do you know what it says?
01:52I've no idea, Vic.
01:53It says that there's a one in fifteen chance that in the first ten minutes of using a hammer like
01:58this...
01:58That's a hammer?
01:59That's a hammer.
02:00Oh, my God!
02:01There's a one in fifteen chance that you could destroy your thumb.
02:06So, my tip is this.
02:09Ah!
02:10Get it out of the way before you start hammering.
02:13What a good idea!
02:14Therefore, you avoid all the unpleasantness that is associated with destruction of thumb.
02:19Do you know what question I'm asked most often, Vic?
02:22Yeah, you're not going to mention that, are you?
02:23No.
02:24What question I'm asked most.
02:26What?
02:26How are you, Bob?
02:28Oh!
02:28But the question I'm invariably asked second is how can I save money during my day-to-day existence?
02:35Good question.
02:36It is.
02:37And who better to answer it than the faithful companion of the Lone Ranger, Tonto.
02:45Tonto.
02:46Thank you, Tonto.
02:48I think there's a message there for all of us.
02:50But, Bob, do you know how I save money?
02:51Tell me, Vic.
02:53Every day, I jog to work behind the bus, saving me a whopping ninety-six pence per day.
03:00Wow!
03:00What you should do, Vic, is jog behind a taxi.
03:03That way, you'll save £5.60 a day, excluding tip.
03:07You know, I never thought about that.
03:08Yes.
03:09Now, Vic, what more tips have you got for people who've probably paid the full price for this video
03:14and are probably a bit short, they've spent the family allowance housing benefit.
03:18There's no money to bathe and feed the kids and loved ones.
03:21Hmm.
03:22Well, here's a tip.
03:24To save money on first-class stamps, what I do is send my letters a few days earlier and send
03:31them second-class.
03:31Now, any stamps that you don't use, you can use as a kind of temporary repair system for inner tubes
03:38or tyres.
03:39Any inflatable item, really.
03:41You might even be able to go as far as using the little frilly edges, little...
03:45What are you doing there, Vic?
03:46I've just got a collection of my old knackered light bulbs.
03:50What I do is, when my neighbour goes on holiday...
03:53Your neighbour?
03:54Neighbour, Vic.
03:55Now, that's the person who lives next door to you?
03:57That's right.
03:58Well done.
03:58The person who lives at 667.
04:00Hmm.
04:01The neighbour of the beast.
04:02Ah, right.
04:03What I do is, when he goes on holiday and asks me to look after the house,
04:08I simply take my old knackered light bulbs and replace them with his new, fresh and exciting bulbs.
04:13That is brilliant!
04:15But on a more serious note, it is very important with all electrical fittings, not just bulbs,
04:20that you dispose of them thoughtfully.
04:22Yeah.
04:23And what do we do with those old neon lighting tubes?
04:27As one-time curator of the Peking Zoo,
04:30I always found that the best way to dispose of old neon lighting tubes
04:33was to carefully insert them into dead snakes.
04:36See here?
04:37Here's one now.
04:38Done.
04:38That's what you should do.
04:40What a sensible and attractive man!
04:43And what a top tip!
04:45Now, if you can't get a dead snake, a live one will do,
04:49because the insertion of said tube deep into the guts of the snake via the throat will soon kill it.
04:56Now, Vic, I've lost count of the number of times people have asked me for guidance and advice on the
05:00subject of antique furniture and the rest...
05:03Five.
05:04It's how many?
05:05Five people.
05:06Five people.
05:07Yes, I've lost count...
05:08Hot Chocolate.
05:09It was Hot Chocolate who asked me.
05:11Hot Chocolate, the band, are always asking me for advice on antique furniture and restoration.
05:17And who better to offer me, you and them advice on this subject than former Olympic gymnast, who wrongfully believes
05:25herself to be the creator of The Sooty Show,
05:28Olga Corbett!
05:30How can you prevent your 18th century Chippendale Shays Long from becoming damaged by woodworm?
05:38Easy.
05:39Rub a drop of whiskey into the affected area and it'll make them too drunk to have sex and therefore
05:44unable to reproduce.
05:45And it'll tell you something else you can do with wood-boring insects.
05:50Take a handful of dead wood lice, pop them into a little matchbox and tape on a lolly stick.
05:56Hey, presto, a cheap but entertaining rattle for a baby or a geriatric elder relative.
06:02And on now to explore our very first tip-top, top-tip topic.
06:06And today's tip-top, top-tip topic is the top-tip topic of what to do in the kitchen.
06:12So come and join us in the kitchen.
06:16Top tips, super-tip, top-tips.
06:26Welcome to the Top Tip Kitchen and today we'll be showing you how to save time, money and expense and
06:31bits of string in the kitchen.
06:33That's right, and first off, how to save some money, Vic.
06:35Right.
06:36Well, we all know how expensive cheddar's become these days, hasn't it though, Vic?
06:39So, instead of cheddar, buy the relatively inexpensive Swiss cheese, the one with the holes in,
06:44and simply fill in the holes with butter or margarine and no one will ever know.
06:50Mmm, that's a lot more palatable than cheddar.
06:52I believe so.
06:53And talking of cheese...
06:56Two lightly buttered pieces of bread here with cheese in between makes a really exciting lunchtime snack.
07:01In fact, I call this my exciting lunchtime snack.
07:04Don't you mean sandwich, Vic?
07:06Pardon?
07:06It's a sandwich.
07:08What do you mean?
07:08Oh, it doesn't matter.
07:09It was invented by Lord Wellington of Cardigans many, many years ago.
07:12But mind you, even in those days they did have a problem with stopping the bread from going very dry.
07:17Mmm, I hate that.
07:18I hate that.
07:20No, I hate that.
07:21No, I hate it.
07:22No, no, no.
07:23I think you'll find it's I hate that.
07:25No.
07:25Alright, you hate it and I hate it as well, alright?
07:27But even today, with our modern, radio-controlled, ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo bread bin, it's still a problem stopping your
07:35bread from going dry.
07:37And that's why we keep our bread submerged in a bucket of moist water.
07:41Ah.
07:42Like this one here.
07:43Oh, that's lovely and moist, like ox tongue.
07:46Gorgeous.
07:46Lovely, yes.
07:47Here's another good idea.
07:48Pop it in the freezer, like so, and when it's frozen you can sculpt it into these lovely animal shapes.
07:55Aren't they sweet?
07:57And when they've thawed, you can offer them to the children as a kind of sacrifice.
08:02Or just simply use them as animal-bred zoo figures.
08:04Do you know what else I hate, Vic?
08:06What?
08:07Your oven gloves falling onto the kitchen floor, soiling themselves.
08:12Terrible, I know exactly what you mean.
08:13You're coming from hard day's work at the office, trailing cement dust, bricks, clods of earth, possibly reeking of toxic
08:20aracarnis,
08:21and before you know it, your oven gloves are on the floor.
08:22That's right.
08:23It's very, very, very distressing indeed.
08:26So here's a tip.
08:27What I do is, is I've attached a smaller length of elastic kit to my oven gloves so that I
08:34can store them on the ceiling.
08:35As soon as you've finished your task at hand, might be cooking pies, might be cooking pancakes, I don't know.
08:41As soon as you've finished your task, release the gloves and they'll be tended to carefully having their hair combed
08:46by the kitchen angels.
08:47Of course, you don't need to waste a fortune on oven gloves. Washing up gloves do just as well.
08:54Cleanliness in the kitchen is good advice. It is paramount. For instance, did you know the best way to keep
08:59monkeys out of the kitchen is by hiding bananas on top of the wardrobe in your bedroom?
09:04You didn't know that, did you?
09:06Oh, meaty pie. Oh, you make me cry. Oh, pies.
09:11What's the matter, Bob?
09:13I've been cooking a meat pie, Rick. It always reminds me of me dead granny.
09:19Happily, though, I did have the foresight to ask the undertaker to remove her dentures prior to cremation.
09:26And I've found that they make a superb pastry cutting tool. See how they cut the pie crust into a
09:33shape that will delight.
09:34Ah, and I suppose having the dentures nearby evokes many happy memories of your deceased grandmother during her living period.
09:44Oh, it does, yes. Anyway, on a safety note, have you noticed how many times you chop off your fingers
09:49when you're cutting vegetables?
09:50Here's a tip. Have somebody else hold the vegetables whilst you enjoy the chopping.
10:00As a one-time Arctic explorer and window dresser for mother care, I soon learnt the value of hanging on
10:05to those old disposable razors, as they make excellent potato peelers.
10:09What's more, if you take the potato peelings and put them on your grandfather's face whilst he's sleeping, you can
10:17re-enact a scene from The Singing Detective.
10:25Housewives, have you been spat at by a sausage? I know I have, and those hospital bills are killers.
10:30That's why I always wear a welding helmet like this, and a lovely leather apron.
10:36Vic! Yes, does that also apply to Birkin? No, just frying.
10:40Oh, right. I'll tell you what worries me about sausages, Vic.
10:43Is how do you prevent a small child from picking up a hot sausage and thereby burning their eager little
10:49fingers?
10:50Ooh, terrible, that. Ooh! Makes you shudder, doesn't it?
10:53What you do is, Bob, when they've been cooked, you put them down on the work surface and tape them
10:57down with highly coloured masking tape, as I've done here.
11:01And these, you know, make fantastic party food.
11:03They're an ideal party food, and if any of you out there are thinking of holding a party, here's some
11:07essential advice for all party hosts.
11:10Ah, Vic, I can see that you're holding there a half pint of delicious foaming stout.
11:16Yes, well, you'd be wrong there, Bob, because it's not a half pint of stout. It's a half pint of
11:21Marmite topped with shaving foam.
11:24It looks just the same, and it has the added bonus of tasting nicer.
11:27Mmm. What I've found is, is that if you pop an Alka-Seltzer into a newly opened can of beer,
11:32you get exactly that fast flow effect that you get from a widget.
11:37And, of course, the added advantage is you won't wake up the next day with a hangover.
11:42That'd be terrible, that, wouldn't it?
11:44But, Bob, what can we do at our party for our vegetarian guests?
11:48Well, good question, Vic. And who better to answer it for us than the Cubans' president, Mr Fidel Casperl?
11:55Well, I can't tell you if I'm vegetarian. If...
11:59Excuse me.
12:01You know, the vegetarians in my junta are always going on about how soya and nut cutlets are indistinguishable from
12:09real meat.
12:10So, whenever I have a presidential bash, I give them real meat. They never notice a difference.
12:17Thank you, Mr Casperl. I adored your first album.
12:21Anyway, Vic, we're nearing the end of the party. The food's down. Hopefully it's gonna stay down. How would you
12:26like to round off the evening?
12:28Coffee and a nice, sharp mint imperial.
12:31Oh, mint imperials. I love them. Aren't they lovely? But we're gonna concentrate on coffee now.
12:35We will come back to the mints, though, won't we, Vic?
12:36Yes, I hope so. Here's a tip on how to serve up fresh ground coffee without the expense of a
12:42percolator.
12:42You simply put the coffee in a pot, add hot water, and ask your guests to drink it through stockings
12:49over the heads, so the bits won't get swallowed.
12:52And I can imagine, Vic, that you could alter the dernia of the stockings used, depending on whether you wanted
12:57espresso, cappuccino or coarse ground coffee.
12:59Oh, look at that, Vic. I hate that.
13:02I know what you mean. Kids' elbows on the table.
13:04Why do they do it? It's just such a coarse and common activity.
13:07I know. It just seems to be natural to them, you know, to act like that. Is there any way
13:11of stopping it, Vic?
13:11Of course there is. Follow me.
13:13Now, then, Bob, I'm gonna ask you now to pour this cement on the table, if you could.
13:17Cement? Yes, just pour it on the middle.
13:19Right. That's it, there. That's it. Lovely. Now we smooth it out there, right across the table, east to west,
13:26north to south, right across there.
13:28We'll just smooth it all out there. Get it right across the table. Excuse me, children.
13:34Making sure there's an area there for the clear to put their plates back on.
13:39Right.
13:39We then simply sprinkle with broken glass.
13:43Right.
13:43Now, those children aren't gonna put their elbows back on that table again, are they?
13:46No, let's see. Put your balls back on.
13:50No elbows there, Vic, do you see?
13:52No, not a thing.
13:53That certainly works. And do you know, Vic, it actually works for adults as well. Let me show you.
13:58See? It's incredible, isn't it?
14:01Well, that's certainly whetted my appetite for some more top tip topics.
14:06Top tips.
14:09Top tips.
14:11Ah, the garden equipment, Vic.
14:13Do you know, Vic, whenever I do any digging or ploughing or raking, right, I have to spend hours afterwards
14:19cleaning up, you know, my plough, my rake or my shovel,
14:22because of all the deposits of clay and earth and limestone that gets on them, you know.
14:26But I can't help noticing, Vic, how beautifully, beautifully clean your equipment is. Are they new?
14:32No, I've had them seven years.
14:34Well, how come they're so shiny and bright?
14:36I'll tell you. And here's a tip for all you gardeners out there.
14:40I simply borrow mine from the bloke next door, which leaves mine completely clean and unsullied.
14:45Hmm.
14:45Well, I know what I'll do in the future, Vic.
14:47What's that?
14:47Make sure I don't live next to you, you little tea leaf.
14:50Anyway, have you got any other golden nuggets of information to pass on?
14:53For use in the garden, of course.
14:55Indeed I have. Come with me.
14:58Come on.
15:02Oh, yes, Vic.
15:04Here we are in the top tip garden, at one with nature and all its produce.
15:09And, Vic, may I firstly say, this is the most magnificently tended lawn I have ever seen.
15:16Thank you very much indeed, Bob.
15:19And that's in no small part due to my magnificent herd of Jacob's sheep.
15:25Come and take a look.
15:26You see, they're quiet.
15:29They're ecological.
15:30Woolly, of course, Vic.
15:31Very woolly indeed. We mustn't forget that.
15:33Why should we?
15:34And if the supermarket's closed, you can always slaughter one.
15:37That sounds great, Vic.
15:38But what I want to know, and probably the viewer as well, is how do you get that lovely stripey
15:43effect on your lawn, like at Wembley or a classy cemetery?
15:46Ah, right. Well, that's simple.
15:47You simply cover your lawn with strips of lino.
15:51Yeah?
15:51Leave it for a couple of weeks and when the grass has gone all yellow underneath.
15:55Hey, presto, lovely stripey lawn.
15:58That's incredible.
15:59Hey, what's that chap doing over there?
16:03You know, Bob, I've always wanted a bigger garden.
16:06Nice one, man.
16:08Thanks.
16:08And so, whilst my neighbours are away on holiday, I've got Clive here to move my garden fence
16:14six or seven feet over in my favour.
16:18Nice one indeed, Vic.
16:20Now, talking about upsetting the neighbours, Vic, this is a good time to pause for a moment.
16:32And consider the thorny subject of bonfires and where to sight them.
16:37And who better to ask than the former lead singer of ELO, Jeff Lynne.
16:42Whenever I'm in a recording studio in LA with George Harrison or other famous international
16:48recording artists, I always make sure I have a nice tub of lard about my person in case
16:54I happen to trap my head in some railings.
16:56Whoa!
16:57That way, I can grease my ears and easily slide out and still be back in the studio in time
17:03for mixing.
17:03Back!
17:04Get back!
17:07Thanks, Geoff.
17:08Now, Vic, we've got the fence.
17:10Yes.
17:11We've got the lawn.
17:12Yes.
17:12What do we grow in this garden of yours?
17:14Well, of course, we grow flowers.
17:16Hmm?
17:17Polyanthums.
17:18Arthritums.
17:20Dexliums.
17:20Yeah?
17:21And trees.
17:22Oh, you've lost me there, Vic.
17:23What's the trees?
17:25Let me explain.
17:26Trees are mainly wooden and they're either evergreens or deciduous and draw their nutrients
17:32through a series of roots up the trunk and into the branches.
17:37Using complex photosynthesis, they draw carbon dioxide and expel oxygen, feeding the atmosphere
17:45and allowing other life, such as weasels and rats, to flourish.
17:50Oh, Vic, now you've explained it, it seems so simple, you know.
17:54Yes, it is.
17:54I'll certainly know what a tree is next time I see one.
17:57Good.
17:58Do they take very long to grow?
18:00Months.
18:00But there's a way around that.
18:02You don't have to wait those months, those long, tiresome, dreary months of waiting for
18:06a tree to grow.
18:07What you can do is take a small tree and sellotape it onto the top of a telegraph pole.
18:12I bet that looks fantastic.
18:14They do.
18:19That is one hell of an impressive tree.
18:31What's this, Vic?
18:33It's a football.
18:35Yeah, but what's it doing here, Vic?
18:36It's those bloody kids over there.
18:39Is there anything we can do about this?
18:41As a one-time Japanese, or Japanese-esque admiral and park keeper, I know exactly how important
18:48it is to nip acts of mindless vandalism such as this in the bud.
18:54This is what I do.
18:56There, I'm teaching them about the value of money.
19:00Now they're going to have to work in order to earn enough to buy a replacement football.
19:05You know I spoil those kids, I do.
19:07I'm too good to them.
19:09I am.
19:10Sayonara.
19:12Wow.
19:13This is beautiful.
19:14What is it?
19:15Well, you know, Bob, being a nature lover, I was always advised to put food out on an
19:21outdoor table.
19:22But you know what?
19:22What?
19:23The little birds and the little squirrels come down and eat the food off my table.
19:33Bastards.
19:34Exactly.
19:34And what I've done is, I've nailed down this tin with a nail.
19:39Yeah.
19:39And I've taped down the top, and they can't get at it.
19:42That's a good idea of it.
19:43Isn't it?
19:44Look!
19:45What?
19:46My greenhouse.
19:55All right, who's got my tub of lard then?
19:57Come on, who's got it?
19:59And here it is, Vic, your greenhouse.
20:02It's tremendously transparent.
20:04And Vic, it's a beauty.
20:07But Vic, one problem with greenhouses is the glass falling out.
20:11What are you going to do when it falls out and breaks?
20:14Ah, yes.
20:14Well, don't think I haven't thought about that.
20:17And in the eventuality of that happening, and the day will come, I shall save the expense
20:22of replacing with a windowpane by replacing it with a sheet of frozen ice.
20:28But surely that would melt, wouldn't it, Vic?
20:30Not if it's frozen.
20:32Ah, you're right.
20:33And what about the bits of glass that have fallen out?
20:35Can you find any use for them?
20:36Yes, for the small pieces of broken glass can be used as a replacement for pieces of ice
20:42in a soft drink.
20:43And it can be used again and again and again.
20:46Vic, would that work?
20:47Yes.
20:48Vic, would that work?
20:53No.
20:54Come on, let's have a look inside.
20:58And it's just as nice inside, Vic.
21:01And my eyes are immediately drawn to this rather tiny plant in this oversized pot, Vic.
21:06Well, that's going to save me time in the long run.
21:09To save potting and repotting over and over again those houseplants, I simply put it in
21:14a pot big enough in the first place.
21:16That's a good tip, that Vic.
21:18Do you mind if I do a tip in your greenhouse?
21:21Pardon?
21:22Do you mind if I do a tip in here?
21:23Oh no, go ahead.
21:25Oh right, thank you very much.
21:27Houseplants, Vic.
21:28Right.
21:28I always had a problem with insects such as bees and butterflies coming along and nicking
21:32the pollen off the poor plants.
21:35Terrible, isn't it?
21:36Well, what I do is I put a bucket over the plant, position it there permanently.
21:41Nowhere is any bee or butterfly going to get near my plant's pollen ever again, Vic.
21:47That's a brilliant tip.
21:49Hello.
21:50People keep asking me questions.
21:52They wish to know how to avoid getting stung in the garden.
21:55Well, don't use a landscape gardener.
21:57They're all crooks.
21:58They're a good joke.
21:59Thank you very much.
22:00They cost a fortune.
22:01But if you want to know how to get rid of wasps and bees, the answer is simple.
22:05Just put a little knob of strawberry jam on the back of your children's necks.
22:09They go off to school.
22:10The wasps go with them.
22:12It's simple, yes?
22:13Well, Vic, the garden's in full bloom and your plants look gorgeous.
22:18But Vic, what would you do if the water board imposes a hosepipe ban?
22:22God forbid.
22:23It could happen, Vic.
22:24Not in our lifetime.
22:26But what would you do, just in case?
22:27What I'd do is I would use Perrier water.
22:30The sparkling mineral water.
22:32Exactly.
22:33The shops never run out of it, as far as I'm aware.
22:35Yes.
22:36It aerates the soil and it refreshes the worms.
22:39Of course.
22:40Hmm.
22:41Well, there's some lovely horticultural top tips we've given you today.
22:45We've certainly harvested some great advice.
22:48And I certainly can't wait to find out what our next top tip topic is going to be.
22:53Goodbye.
22:56Top tips.
23:00Top tips.
23:02Well, here we are at the pet centre for some tip-top tips for pet owners.
23:07Oh!
23:07Whoa!
23:08Whoa!
23:09No.
23:12I've just stood in some dog dung.
23:14You have, haven't you?
23:15The dung of the dog.
23:16Yep.
23:17Well, here's a first tip for dog owners.
23:19Mix your pet food with luminous paints.
23:23Your dog will then produce vividly coloured dog dirt, which is much more easily seen and
23:27therefore avoided.
23:28Unlike this stuff, Vic's just stood in, which is really rather dull and, to me, offensive.
23:34Yes, a little like yourself.
23:37Only joking.
23:38Come on.
23:38Let's get in this pet centre, Vic.
23:39Come on.
23:40Oh!
23:41Whoa, whoa, whoa.
23:42I've just stood in a secondary residue.
23:44You have.
23:45And this time has applied itself to my sock.
23:47Hmm.
23:47Same tip applies?
23:49Same tip would apply, yes.
23:50It would still have been easily avoided, Vic, if it had been luminous.
23:53Now, let's stop playing with dog dirt and get in this pet shop.
23:55Come on, then.
24:03Hey, here we are with a top tip look at pets.
24:07What?
24:08Just a minute.
24:14That's better.
24:15Yeah.
24:15Yeah.
24:17Now, pets are a huge responsibility.
24:20They require you to love them, to feed them and, of course, eventually, to stuff them.
24:25Shut up!
24:26Yeah, shut up!
24:28Hey, Bob.
24:29Yeah?
24:29Are dogs man's best friend?
24:31No, Vic, they're not.
24:32Why's that?
24:33It's rubbish, that.
24:34They'll never take you out for a pint, they'll never take you out for a curry.
24:37That poodle of yours, Vic, has never let you borrow his car, has he?
24:40Only they're once, but it's a good point, Bob.
24:42Without so much as a kiss or cuddle on the doorstep, they'll just grab all your leg and
24:46rut up and down and rub up and down it.
24:49There's no attempt to form a relationship, all after his cheap sexual gratification.
24:53See, the thing is, Vic, if you find that embarrassing...
24:55Well, I'm not saying that I find it embarrassing.
24:57Oh, right.
24:58Well, if you find it distasteful, Vic, why don't you try this?
25:02Attach a cheese grater to either leg, and once your dog starts rucking, you'll soon
25:07see its expression change, I can tell you.
25:09Oh, right, yeah.
25:10Yes.
25:11And it'll add extra flavour to your cheese dishes.
25:13Of course.
25:14But anyway, Bob, talking of cats, is it true that cats have nine lives?
25:18Yes, it's absolutely true, Vic, nine lives.
25:20Wow.
25:21Yeah, but the problem is, Vic, is knowing how many lives they've actually got left.
25:24Do you see what I mean?
25:25Yeah.
25:26Well, here's a way of finding out.
25:28Simply take a mallet and repeatedly strike the cat.
25:32The number of strikes it takes to bring about the cat's demise will direct...
25:36Or death.
25:37Or death will directly correspond to the number of strikes needed.
25:42Yeah.
25:42Let's try that.
25:45One.
25:47Two.
25:49Three.
25:51Four.
25:53Five.
25:55Six.
25:57Seven.
25:59How many was that?
26:00Well, it appeared that Tibble's had seven lives left.
26:04It's as easy as that.
26:07As former Wimbledon champion Ainswede, I deplore cruelty to cats.
26:15Indeed, as a goodwill gesture, I no longer use cat-gut strings in my tennis bat.
26:21Instead, I've re-strung it with piano wire.
26:25Not only is my game much faster now, but I'm able to chop potatoes and make chips whilst I practice
26:33my serve!
26:39Lovely!
26:41Well, Bob, I'm moving soon.
26:43No.
26:44Yes.
26:45I told you.
26:46No, you didn't.
26:47Did I not?
26:47No.
26:48Sorry.
26:48Anyway, I'm moving soon and the problem is this.
26:51Where are you going?
26:53Just not far.
26:54Just round the corner.
26:54Anyway, the problem is this.
26:56You might have let it...
26:57You know, you might have told me before not just let it come out like this, to be honest.
27:01I'm sorry.
27:01Anyway, I'm moving and the problem...
27:03What were you going to do, Vic?
27:04Just leave us a note and that's it.
27:05You're gone.
27:06You're out of me life.
27:07Look, I'm sorry.
27:09The problem is this.
27:10It's just so inconsiderate, Vic.
27:14Anyway, I'm moving house and I'm worried about how to transport my goldfish without the
27:19water slopping all over the seats of my Vauxhall Vectra.
27:22Nothing, Vic, could be simpler.
27:24A few days before your travel, simply pop the goldfish bowl in your deep freeze and voila!
27:30Two easily transported goldfish.
27:33Pop them in the microwave for two minutes and you'll defrost that precious water.
27:38But the fish will be dead.
27:40A small price to pay in my opinion, Vic.
27:43Hmm.
27:44Anyway, what does one do with dead goldfish?
27:47The answer is very simple.
27:49Place them inside library books and slam the books shut.
27:52The squashed fish will serve as a useful bookmark and doubly handy as the smell will act
27:56as a reminder that the books are due for return.
27:58By the way, it was me who wrote,
28:01I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.
28:03And not Greg's Harrison.
28:04Bollocks to that one.
28:08I know I'm going to regret asking you this, but what are you doing?
28:11Vic, I'm sawing a terrible tennis ball in half.
28:16Well, don't you want to know why?
28:17What?
28:17Do you want to know why?
28:19Well, if you feel compelled to tell me.
28:20I feel strangely compelled to tell you, Vic.
28:22Well, tell me.
28:23Listen up.
28:24Now, we all are acutely aware of how vulnerable hamsters are to injuries to the head.
28:29Head injuries.
28:29Right.
28:31No, no, no, no!
28:33Vic, Vic, all right, don't panic.
28:35I was only proving a point.
28:37Now, hamsters are at the most vulnerable on the wall of death.
28:41Right.
28:42The circle of deceit, as it's known in Blackburn.
28:44Hmm.
28:44Now, one minute, they're happy as Larry.
28:47Hang on, hang on a minute.
28:48Who's Larry?
28:49Have you not met Larry?
28:50No, but I'd love to.
28:51Hey, Larry!
28:53Hello, Larry.
28:54How do?
28:54How do you do?
28:55All right, thanks, Larry.
28:57Yes, there they are, running round, happy as that bloke there.
29:00Right.
29:01When suddenly there's a momentary lapse of concentration.
29:05Hmm.
29:06Kapow, multiple head injuries, Vic.
29:07Oh, how very sad.
29:09They could even slip into a kind of coma.
29:11Yes, they could, Vic, but not if they're wearing these little crash helmets
29:16made out of a ping pong ball and a rubber band.
29:20It's as simple as that.
29:22That's a major advance in our rodent safety campaign.
29:26But, Bob, hmm, tell me what happens if our kiddies are not satisfied
29:30with such small and conventional pets.
29:33You mean if they should want a somewhat less small, somewhat less conventional pet?
29:37Exactly.
29:38Well, in those circumstances, I personally recommend a puma or a leopard.
29:43Ideal for a kiddie be there four, five, six, seven, even eight.
29:47Or nine, even eight.
29:48Hmm.
29:49But, Bob, would the animal play with the child?
29:53Not so much play, Vic, as toy with it.
29:56Let me demonstrate.
29:58Here, Vic, is an inquisitive four-year-old.
30:02Just you watch this. Off you go.
30:11Oh, God, that's terrible.
30:14What is?
30:15Those bloodstains will never get rid of those without a boil wash
30:18or a lemon-flavoured biological detergent.
30:20Of course we will, Vic, but let's not discuss detergents right now
30:24because we're going to cover that topic in a later top-tip extravaganza.
30:28Hmm.
30:29Can you believe it?
30:31Hey!
30:33Ah!
30:34Of course, none of this would be necessary if you could keep a frost's cat under control.
30:38But how?
30:39Well, with one of these, an extendable leash.
30:43Now I've got an animal on the end of this which is under my command at any given time.
30:48It's a Siberian tiger, which is completely under my control.
30:53Yeah, Vic, you say that, but could you get it to come back?
30:57Of course I can.
30:58By simply depressing this button here, I press that, and the cat comes directly back to me.
31:04Give us a go.
31:05Get off!
31:05No, give us a go.
31:06Get off!
31:06How are we, Vic?
31:07Let us press it!
31:08Give us any express!
31:09Get off!
31:10Give us it, man!
31:11Get off!
31:13Give us it, Vic!
31:14It's mine!
31:14It's mine!
31:15All mine!
31:16Get off!
31:22Now look what you've done!
31:27Trixie!
31:28Trixie!
31:29Trixie!
31:30You had to meddle, didn't you?
31:31You couldn't leave her alone.
31:33Well, at least you know where she is now.
31:34I suppose so.
31:35I never really liked her anyway.
31:39As a one-time oil rig firefighter and runner-up in the high, high, high Wickham limp exaggerating competition,
31:47Siberian tigers hold no fears for me, no.
31:50However, I am cautious when dealing with rogue rhinos who will want to charge down the aisles of certain branches
31:55of Asda,
31:56crushing and goring unsuspecting late-night shoppers.
31:59Of course, the best way to deal with this is to take evasive action.
32:03Run down between condiments and tinned veg,
32:05and just before he catches your dart quickly towards jams and preserves.
32:09The bulky animal's momentum will carry him a good few yards further,
32:12enabling you to climb up the adjustable shelving and call customer services for help.
32:16You may like to use these words.
32:18Customer services, can I have your assistance?
32:24Well, what a furry and f***y fun-filled frolic that turned out to be.
32:28Yes, and there's still more top tips to come.
32:31See you soon!
32:40Can you explain to me what all this string's about?
32:43Yes, Vic, of course I can.
32:45Now, if you're like me, you're five foot eight, medium brown hair, slim build, sunny disposition,
32:52but you'll also, Vic, have a tendency to be forgetful.
32:55Hmm.
32:56So what I've done is, I've threaded a string through my entire contents of my house.
33:02Everything I own, Vic.
33:04Now, that way if I lose something, I haul in the string, as you're doing now,
33:08and eventually I'll come across the missing item.
33:11So we've got a gun.
33:13Gun there, yep.
33:14There's your harp.
33:15You'll enjoy that.
33:16Oh, I like that.
33:16There's your puppet, your lovely favourite puppet.
33:19Yeah.
33:20Hello, what's this?
33:22It's Johnny Bags, Vic.
33:23I know what they are.
33:25I'm always losing them, you know.
33:26But at least this way, they're never far away, if needed.
33:29Wait a minute.
33:30These expired hundred years ago.
33:32Well, talking of Johnny Bags, it reminds me that our top tip topic for today is sex and its ramifications.
33:38Can you say that, Vic?
33:40What?
33:40Topic.
33:41Topic?
33:42Yeah, it's advertising chocolate, innit?
33:44Well, I won't bother then.
33:45Good.
33:46Anyway, today's top tip topic is sex and its proclivities.
33:50And we'll be offering advice on the affairs of the heart in Vic and Bob's problem page.
33:59Hello there.
34:00Hello.
34:03And first off today, we have a letter from Mr. Arnold Baguette.
34:08And he says,
34:10I'm a man.
34:11How can I impress females of the opposite persuasion?
34:16Well, I think a nice meal in a smart restaurant with good food and a good wine will do the
34:24trick every time, Mr. Baguette.
34:26And if you can't find a woman who's willing to pay for all this?
34:31Well, you could acquire a great detailed knowledge of a particular subject and then steer the topic of conversation towards
34:40that subject.
34:42And if this doesn't work?
34:44Well, don't panic, Mr. Baguette, because there are still many other things you can do.
34:49And who better to consult on that matter than the painter, Salvador Dali?
34:56I remember, before I died, being asked this one.
35:03The way I used to attract women was to drive along the seafront at Skegness with my mum's ironing board
35:13strapped to the roof of my triumph herald,
35:17playing Beach Boys Records very loudly on my cassette deck.
35:23Everyone thought that I was a muscular Californian lifeguard.
35:30And be I, oi, oi, oi, oh boy, did I pull the beach babies.
35:39Thank you, Salvador Dali. Nice one.
35:42Now, the next letter, it's from Stuart Gray, who's from Garstom.
35:47And he wishes to remain anonymous because his problem is a little bit embarrassing.
35:52He wants to know how he can prolong his love making.
35:55Well, Mr. Anonymous, why not try making excuses to leave the bedroom every 30 seconds or so?
36:02Such as, I think I've left the gas on.
36:04Or, I think perhaps I forgot to put the cat out.
36:08Or there's ghostly sailors in the living room on here.
36:13Is that likely to happen, Vic?
36:15Well, it certainly did happen in John Carpenter's magnificent film, The Fog.
36:21So it did.
36:23Anyway, Mr. Anonymous, all those excuses should allow you to prolong your love making all night long.
36:31And don't forget, a lovely tub of margarine sent via Interflora
36:37is a lovely romantic gift for a lady who likes making sandwiches.
36:44Right, let's get back into the bedroom.
36:47Pardon?
36:47To continue our advice forum on affection, love and tenderness.
36:51Any gratuitous sex song.
36:54Let's have a look, shall we?
36:55The following scene depicts events which some may consider to be shocking.
37:07So this is Larry Federer.
37:08This is where he usually stays. There he is, sir.
37:10And what's Larry doing, Vic?
37:11Well, he still looks happy, doesn't he?
37:13That's because he's come up with a practical and sensual tip.
37:17He's filling his inflatable life partner here with hot water so he can stay warm throughout the night and still
37:22have fun.
37:23On those cold winter evenings.
37:26I should think that works very well.
37:28So what about safe sex then, Vic?
37:29Not for me, thanks. I've got a bit of a headache.
37:32Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Vic.
37:35What I was suggesting is that we pass on some tips to viewers about precautions they can take in their
37:40bedrooms.
37:41Oh, well, that's easily done. I always wear a miner's helmet whilst I'm in bed. This provides me with light
37:48should there be a power failure and it also protects me against falling ceilings.
37:52Here's a little tip for all those engaged in a little highly charged sexual activity.
37:57Please always keep the tube with the lubricating cream in a totally different place than the tube with the embrication
38:04cream.
38:05It's easy once you know how, buddy.
38:12Nurse!
38:14Vic, have you been here all night?
38:15Yes, I have.
38:17Oh, was I any good?
38:18You were like a little walnut with an outboard motor.
38:21Wow, see, I told you I was good.
38:23But, Vic, here, it's hypothetical, right?
38:26But say I'd gone out of the disco, copped off with a half-decent looking lass.
38:30You know, looked all right in the half light of the disco and without the assistance of your miner's lamp,
38:34right?
38:34Mm-hmm.
38:34But bit worried that in the cold light of day might be a bit disappointing.
38:39You're saying, Bob, without being sexist or politically incorrect, you're saying, is she maybe a bit of a pig?
38:45Yeah. Can you help?
38:47There is a solution, Bob, and it's this.
38:49Drink a bottle of vodka or two if you want to be absolutely sure,
38:53then every girl that you chat up at the disco will look like a pastry tart, even first thing in
38:59the morning.
39:00Ah, let's give it a try.
39:02Go on.
39:03Oh, love!
39:08It's working already, Vic.
39:09Oh, my God! Keep me down!
39:12That's all well and good, Vic.
39:13But some people just aren't lucky in love and never seem to be able to find the right partner.
39:18Is there any advice we can give to those unlucky, lonely souls?
39:22Bob, I believe you're referring to those people who haven't got our wealth, wit, charm, sophistication and dancing skills.
39:28Well, here's a tip for them. If you can't get a bird, then pretend you have a fantastic sex life
39:35by jumping up and down on your bed moaning loudly and then just watch your neighbours' lime green faces as
39:41you leave the house the next day.
39:42You could also convince your postman that you're sexually hyperactive simply by answering the door every morning, wearing a broad
39:49grin and looking extremely tired.
39:52Marvellous.
39:56Well, that about wraps it up in the bedroom department. We do hope that we've been of some use to
40:02you.
40:03Oh!
40:04Will you two pack it in like a pair of monkeys?
40:09You can try, son.
40:11Right. Now, as the one-time leader of the New York Philharmonic Orchestra, I can tell you there's nothing to
40:16beat creating the atmosphere of a top Soho nightclub in your own home.
40:20It's easy. Just get your wife or girlfriend or lover, I don't know which it is, to take off his
40:25or her top, revealing her breasts, and bring you a cheap bottle of champagne or champagnier.
40:30Then return ten minutes later with a bill for £500. What terrific fun, and it makes me regret slaughtering my
40:37wife with that hunting horn, of course.
40:39Well, that just about wraps up this section of top tips, but there's still plenty more tips to come.
40:44Bob? Bob? Bob? Yeah?
40:45I actually made my girlfriend cry last night when I was making love.
40:48Did you? How'd you do that?
40:50I rang her up and told her.
40:54Good night.
41:01Top tips!
41:04Top tips!
41:08Yeah!
41:11Yeah!
41:14Vic!
41:15Vic!
41:16Vic!
41:16What are you doing?
41:17Hey!
41:17What are you doing?
41:18Come on, get cracking me, I haven't got all day.
41:19Vic, stop here!
41:20Why are you smashing up the shed?
41:22Is there a good reason?
41:23Yeah!
41:24What?
41:24We are going on holiday!
41:26So if any burglars break in, they're going to test their own medicine.
41:30That is a top tip, Vic!
41:32I know!
41:33Oh, wait a minute, Vic, we're not going on holiday!
41:36Are we not?
41:37No!
41:38Well, we can't stay here with this mess, can we?
41:40No, you're right.
41:40It'd be a shame, you know, to waste all that hard work you've done on security as well, wouldn't it?
41:44Exactly!
41:45Come on, let's get packed.
41:46Right, come on then.
41:49Hey, bearded boys, I know you.
41:51Want to pull some girls when you're on holiday?
41:53It's easy.
41:54Why not pretend to be an upper-class Arctic explorer?
41:57Just tie ice cubes onto your beard, paint your nose blue, and cut off a couple of toes.
42:02It never fails to impress the chickies.
42:04And don't forget, you heard it from me first.
42:06I'm a rock and roll Christian.
42:17Bob, now, have you packed everything for the holiday?
42:20Are you sure?
42:20Of course I have, Vic.
42:21Can't you see?
42:22I've packed the entire contents of the living room, kitchen and bathroom,
42:26so we can experience a home from home whilst we're abroad.
42:28That's a very, very good idea.
42:31In fact, there's no need to stop there.
42:32Why don't we take the garden?
42:34We can take the apple tree, the shrubbery, the garden path, the grass, the pond.
42:39The pond?
42:40Well, that would be smart.
42:41Why stop there, Vic?
42:42We could take some of the birds from the bushes, the worms, the drains.
42:46The road, a bit of pavement.
42:48Why don't we take the whole street?
42:49Let's not make it a home from home, let's make it a town from town.
42:52What an idea.
42:53In fact, the county!
42:56I think we've got quite enough here, Vic, actually.
42:58Well, you might be right.
42:59I'm going to take me transistor radio, or tranny if you want to be with it,
43:02so I can listen to Capital Radio and check up on the weather forecasts.
43:05Hey, have you remembered to bring the I-factor sunblock?
43:08I-factor sunblock?
43:09Ain't I made of money, Vic?
43:11I-factor equals I-cost.
43:13And that's why I've taken the precaution, Vic,
43:16of bringing a couple of black bin liners,
43:19which I shall wear to protect me from the burning rays of the sun.
43:22But you won't be able to get a tan.
43:25True, Vic.
43:26And a good point, very well made.
43:28But, by applying Tippex to my wrist in the shape of a watch,
43:32I can create an authentic-looking strap mark.
43:34That's brilliant, that.
43:35So with everything packed, we can head off to the airport.
43:38Have you got your passport, Vic?
43:39Aye.
43:39I've had my passport photograph taken of me wearing a sombrero, dark glasses and a moustache,
43:45where all my friends can use it, along with the hat, moustache and glasses.
43:49How considerate of you, Vic.
43:51Now, here's a top tip from Scandinavia's own Nordic beauty.
43:55She's dandruff-free.
43:57She's Ulrika Johnson.
43:59At weddings, always make sure the guests wear a paper hat with their names clearly written on the front.
44:06This will enable you to identify old faces from the past when viewing the photos in years to come.
44:16Well, here we are at the airport.
44:18And we've taken the additional precaution of booking an earlier flight to avoid jet lag.
44:23So we'll arrive fully refreshed and on time.
44:26Let's go and check in, yeah.
44:49Good morning.
44:50Good morning.
44:50Are you together?
44:52Well, kind of.
44:53Kind of, yeah.
44:54Smoking or non-smoking?
44:57Non-smoking.
44:58Non-smoking.
44:59Vomiting or non-vomiting?
45:01Non-vomiting, I suppose.
45:03Would you like to sit next to a fat bastard?
45:05How fat?
45:06Oh, overflowing the seat.
45:08Well, would you recommend it?
45:10Oh, every time.
45:12Just think about it.
45:13If the plane crashes into snow-covered mountains, you could survive for months by eating the blubbery pig.
45:19Well, ladies and gentlemen, how about that?
45:21A completely unsolicited top tip from the girl at the checkout counter.
45:24A bonus indeed, Vic.
45:26Now, Vic, it's about time you told me where exactly are we going.
45:30I want to know about the topography of the place before we set off.
45:33Right.
45:33Well, we're going to Fwerin Giroliolioliola.
45:38Where on earth is that?
45:39Allow me the courtesy of explaining that to you.
45:42Follow me.
45:46If this is Cassiopeia and this is Alpha Andromeda, then here would be Arcturus, here Lupus, Parvo, Ara, Indus and
45:56Camelopardius.
45:57What?
45:59Way over here is Sirius, Cygnus, Velpicula and, let's not forget my favourite, Definus.
46:06Yeah, but Vic, where are we going?
46:08We're going here.
46:09Earth.
46:10Oh, right.
46:11You can't actually see Fwerin Girolioliolioliolioli because it's on the other side.
46:15That's fine, Vic, because now you've explained it all, I know exactly where you mean.
46:19Right.
46:20Do you have any baggage to check in?
46:22Just these two, love.
46:23Thanks.
46:25What are you doing?
46:26Vic, I'm attaching one end of this string to my suitcase and the other end to my wrist.
46:33That way, Vic, no more lost luggage.
46:36No way.
46:37What a great idea.
46:38Yeah.
46:38I think I'll do the same.
46:40Hey, Vic, as long as they put us on the same plane as the luggage.
46:46I expect you'll be wanting to visit our duty-free shop.
46:49It's over there and it's crammed with all manner of consumer goods to entice even the
46:55most discerning buyer.
46:56Oh, good.
46:57I'll be able to get some bacon and some kippers.
46:59Now, you know we're staying in a posh hotel.
47:01We can save a fortune on breakfast, right?
47:04You simply pop the kippers or the sausages into the hot trouser press overnight and you'll
47:09wake up to the beautiful aroma of grilled bacon or smoked kippers.
47:13Well, what an excellent tip for any would-be holiday maker.
47:17Oh, thank you, love.
47:18And don't forget, if you're going to San Francisco, be sure to wear a flower in your hair.
47:23Will do.
47:24We will, love.
47:31Oh, lucky, lucky, Mr Boiled Chicken Man.
47:34Yeah, the thing about these 18 to 30 holidays, though, Vic is, right, imagine this.
47:38What if you're a lass?
47:39You're in the appropriate age group, right?
47:41But you can't afford an expensive, sophisticated 18 to 30 holiday.
47:45What are you going to do?
47:46It's easy.
47:47You simply dig a sandpit in your garden, get pissed and shag every bloke who looks over
47:50the fence at you.
47:52That's enough fun for anyone, isn't it?
47:53Of course it is.
47:54Shall we go to duty free?
47:57Yeah.
47:58Right, how are we then?
48:01Hello.
48:02I'm Mr X.
48:03My identity is being withheld because I'm in the witness protection scheme to safeguard
48:08me from bloody replisals by the Matthew buses that I have shot.
48:12Whenever I'm fighting extradition in Spain, the only thing that hacks me off is German
48:18holiday makers who nick all the sun lounges and annex the swimming pool.
48:22So I've been to see my solicitor and I've got him to prepare a simple agreement for the
48:27Germans to sign.
48:29I can then go back to my room, wave it in the air and say, I have in my hand
48:34a piece
48:35of paper.
48:36Why don't you try it?
48:39wait, is that all right?
48:41Was that a good one?
48:42Was it all...
48:44bloody hell look what-
48:47Buggy.
48:58I'm bored.
48:59You kurber?
49:00I'm more bored than you mate.
49:02I am more bored!
49:02Look
49:04I'm more bored, not that I'm bored stiff, look,
49:06I'm more whimmy!
49:08All right, you're more bored than me, then.
49:10Tell you what, if planning holiday is half the fun,
49:14why don't we go home, plan two, then we'll have double the fun.
49:17No, I agree with you there.
49:18Hey, do you remember that holiday we had in Greece last year?
49:22What, in hair oil?
49:23No, in Greece, the country, Vic.
49:26Oh, right, yeah.
49:27We could recreate that.
49:28Good idea.
49:29We'll go home, turn the water supply off,
49:31throw all the toilet paper out the window,
49:33put a dirty bucket by the lavs.
49:34Yeah, we could even undercook a six-week-year-old chicken.
49:37What a great top tip!
49:39Be a good holiday, that.
49:40Hey, hang on a minute.
49:42Our cases are on the plane.
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