- 2 days ago
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FunTranscript
00:03I don't know.
00:58Ah, anything for me?
00:59No. Where did you spring from?
01:01Oh, well, I've been following you since the bus stop.
01:03Oh, why didn't you say something?
01:04Well, then I would have had to walk beside you, you know, and I was enjoying the view from the
01:07rack.
01:08Sex mania.
01:09Well, there's not a lot of you, Chrissie, but you move it very nicely.
01:11Oh, there it goes again.
01:12Shut up.
01:18Shut up. Honestly, all you ever think about is, hey, the door's open.
01:21Yeah, well, Jo's most probably is.
01:22No, she isn't. I left her at the office.
01:25Wait a minute. There have been a lot of break-ins around here lately.
01:28Oh, come on, Chrissie.
01:31What do you mean?
01:32Well, that young couple at 29, they were done twice.
01:35Young couple? They're both blokes.
01:36I don't think burglars care about your sex life.
01:38True, true.
01:39You might still be in there.
01:40Look, we don't know if there is anybody in there, do we?
01:42Well, then you won't mind going in to find out.
01:44No, I didn't say that.
01:45Oh, they? What, you think there might be more than one?
01:49Oh, go on.
01:52Have they made much of a mess?
01:54Well, it's difficult to tell the way we leave the flat.
01:56Right.
01:57Right, Charlie, Bill, you wait outside.
02:02Right, take the muzzle off the Alsatian.
02:04Bill.
02:07I'll go first.
02:08With a bit of luck, if they've got any sense, they'll make a run for them.
02:18All right, there's nobody here.
02:19Oh!
02:23Right, look, nobody, all right?
02:25Try the bathroom.
02:33Aha!
02:34So, there you are.
02:35Pull up your truss and come on out.
02:42Nobody!
02:44That's very funny.
02:45Look, they might be in the bedroom.
02:47Well, go and have a look.
02:47Well, aren't you coming?
02:48Certainly, I'll come in the bedroom with you.
02:50I'd rather face the burglar.
02:51Just ask him if he takes you.
02:52Everybody, please.
02:57The rent.
02:58The rent!
03:04Oh, no.
03:05Brogdon, somebody has been here.
03:07The transistor radio's gone.
03:08The month's rent, the month's rent, 80 quid.
03:10What?
03:10We left it here this morning.
03:11We didn't.
03:12Oh, didn't we?
03:13No, I mean, we didn't, did we?
03:14Yes, we did.
03:15I left it under the rent book on the dresser, and it's gone.
03:18Look, are you sure?
03:18Look, try the tea caddy.
03:19All right.
03:23Nothing.
03:23Nothing?
03:24But I bought half a pound last week.
03:25There's tea in it, but no money.
03:29Jo, Jo.
03:30What?
03:30Now, listen, you were the last to leave this morning.
03:31Yeah.
03:32Did you, by any chance, put the rent money in a safe place?
03:34Yeah.
03:36Great.
03:36Thank God for that.
03:38Under the rent book on the dresser.
03:41I'm going to have to phone the police.
03:51George, do you mind not jogging my elbow?
03:54I'd have a smile right up to me ears.
03:57I'm trying to comb me hair, aren't I?
04:00Oh, all right, go on, take it.
04:02Yes, well, it's about time.
04:06Oh, changing your style, are you?
04:11It always used to be three hairs to the right and two to the left.
04:16Sarcasm goes right over my head.
04:18Hmm, pity your hair, doesn't it?
04:21Hey, listen, what are you getting at me for?
04:23What have I done?
04:24Nothing, George.
04:25Absolutely nothing.
04:26For weeks, nothing.
04:29Yeah, well, I haven't been feeling myself, have I?
04:32Oh, I wouldn't know, George.
04:37Shall I take the umbrella out with us?
04:38Yes, well, we're only going to the pub.
04:40Anyway, I think it's stopped raining.
04:43Yes, it has.
04:44Hello.
04:45There's a panda car outside.
04:47What?
04:47And a couple of coppers on the doorstep.
04:49The police?
04:50Aye, the telly licence.
04:52Oh.
04:59Come to the telly.
05:00Oh, wait, sir.
05:00Oh, I defund.
05:06Good evening.
05:08Flat two.
05:09Yeah, two.
05:10Oh, yes, the first floor.
05:13Well, what have they been up to?
05:15It's a vice squad, is it?
05:17Well, I'll give evidence.
05:18Just a routine inquiry, sir.
05:20You are?
05:21A roper.
05:22Yes, sir, sir, I'm the landlord, yeah.
05:25If there's any way in which I can help,
05:26because, I mean, I do watch special brands every week.
05:28Oh, no.
05:30No, no, I don't.
05:33Well, I do.
05:35I watch it on a neighbour's set,
05:37because we haven't got one.
05:41That's why I didn't bother to get a licence, you see.
05:45It didn't really seem necessary, not having a set.
05:49Shall we go up, sir,
05:51or do you wish to add anything to your statement?
05:53Oh, no.
05:54Oh, me?
05:54Yes, yes, do go up.
06:01George.
06:01Oh, I was only going to...
06:03Stick your nose in, yes, I know.
06:05You'd barge right in there and listen, wouldn't you?
06:07Of course I wouldn't.
06:08There's a keyhole.
06:09Oh, George, get out there.
06:11We'll be there about it soon enough.
06:12Go on.
06:14So, there's £80 missing.
06:16Hmm.
06:17Anything else?
06:18Oh, yes, there's a transistor radio.
06:20It's got a silver dial, and the volume knob's loose.
06:22I took that to be repaired this morning.
06:24Which Joe took to be repaired this morning,
06:25so that's not missing.
06:26I don't really want a list of the things that aren't missing,
06:28or I'll be here all night, sir.
06:31Do you usually leave your rent money lying about in full view?
06:34No, we usually leave it under the pot.
06:36Pot, miss?
06:37Yes.
06:38Oh, plant pot.
06:39Still in the pot, but the seeder in town.
06:41Were you sure they got in this way?
06:42Well, it was open when we came in.
06:44Not very wide.
06:45Er, like that.
06:50Yes, go on.
06:51You see, we lock this every morning,
06:53so I just don't know how they got in.
06:55Well, er, perhaps this might give us a clue.
06:59Ah, yes.
07:00But that's only for our use.
07:01They may not have known that, miss.
07:04So, the three of you share the flat and so forth, hmm?
07:07Oh, just the flat, not the so forth.
07:10Yes.
07:11And you're sure there's nothing else missing?
07:12Um, no.
07:14Not that I can think of.
07:15No, no, I mean, not missing.
07:16You know, there are always little things we can't find.
07:19You know, small little things like lipstick.
07:21You can't find your lipstick, sir?
07:24No.
07:25Joe or Chris's, they're lipstick.
07:28I mean, odd socks, you know.
07:29But they're not actually missing.
07:32They're lost.
07:32Well, I mean, well, they're not lost,
07:33but I mean, they're somewhere around here,
07:35but we can't find them, you see.
07:37That's not what you meant, is it?
07:40Yes, well, the people downstairs can't have been done.
07:42Otherwise, they would have said so.
07:43What about upstairs, miss?
07:44No, it's empty.
07:46No, that's interesting.
07:47You think that's significant?
07:49Well, no, but my brother-in-law's looking for somewhere to live.
07:53Be ready, Bert.
07:55Yes.
07:57Key in the letterbox.
07:59Money in full view.
08:00No insurance.
08:01It's one way of giving to charity, I suppose.
08:04We'll be in touch.
08:08They were a bit sarky, weren't they?
08:10Mm-hmm.
08:10I mean, there's no need for that.
08:12I mean, even stupid people are entitled to politeness.
08:15They could have taken us down to the station,
08:16made up an identikit picture or something.
08:18Who of?
08:20Well, I don't know.
08:21Well, you don't, do you, until you see it?
08:23You know, I'm sure that young policeman fancied me.
08:27Every time he looked at me, his whistle chain went tight.
08:30I know the type.
08:32Anything you wear will be taken down.
08:34Joe, will you sit down, please?
08:36Now, look, listen.
08:37We have lost this month's rent.
08:39Wrong.
08:40What?
08:40It was last month's rent.
08:42What?
08:42We're already a month's behind.
08:44Oh, God, yeah.
08:45Well, look, we'll just explain to Roper.
08:46I mean, he's a reasonable sort of chap, isn't he?
08:49I mean, you know, he'll understand.
08:52He won't type this little twit.
08:54Right.
08:54And he's mean with it.
08:55If he found a plaster, he'd cut himself.
08:59Oh, come on.
09:01He can't be that bad.
09:02We'll just explain we've been burgled.
09:04What can he do?
09:05Laugh.
09:05Yeah, and chuck us out.
09:06Yeah, he was bolshy enough last month.
09:10Well, no use sitting around here moping.
09:13Let's go to the pub and mope there.
09:19Right.
09:24Right.
09:25What are we having?
09:26How about half a pint and three straws?
09:28Oh, Chrissy, Chrissy, we're not that broke.
09:30We're just 80 quid in debt.
09:31I mean, look at the country.
09:32It's 20,000 million debt.
09:33You don't see Heath on the small shardless, do you?
09:35Now, quick, quick.
09:38Now, look, we'll just have to try and raise the money somehow, right?
09:41I mean, maybe sell something.
09:43I've only got one thing worth selling.
09:45I was hoping to keep that until I got married.
09:50What was that?
09:51My grandmother's wedding ring.
09:53Oh, of course.
09:54You know, we'll have to tell Mr. Roper.
09:56No, as long as Roper thinks we've got the money, he'll only be impatient.
10:00If he finds out we haven't, he'll go spare.
10:02Look, let's just avoid Roper for a few days until we can...
10:04Hello, Mr. Roper.
10:05Hello, Evie.
10:06Hello.
10:06Hello.
10:07Hey.
10:07What were the police doing up at your place then, eh?
10:09Police?
10:10Oh.
10:11Oh, the police.
10:12Oh, you mean Uncle Albert and Uncle Arthur.
10:15Oh, we had a burglary.
10:18What?
10:18In the flat?
10:20Oh, dear, was anything taken?
10:21Nothing.
10:22No, nothing, right?
10:23Right, right, right, nothing.
10:25How'd you know you'd been burgled?
10:26Oh, um, Uncle Albert and Uncle Arthur told us.
10:32By the way, about the rent.
10:34Look, look, it's nearly 8 o'clock.
10:35It says late as that, and I wanted an early night.
10:37Well, I have enjoyed our little chat.
10:38Mustache, bye!
10:42Oh.
10:42Oh, it can't be your air cream, Julie.
10:50What did I tell you?
10:51No sympathy.
10:52All he could think about was his rent.
10:53Yeah.
10:54Yeah, well, you can't really blame him.
10:55He's just one of nature's vultures.
10:56Listen, have you got your key?
10:57No.
10:57Me neither.
10:58Oh, not to worry.
10:59We'll use the one on the end of the year.
11:02LAUGHTER
11:06APPLAUSE
11:34Do you want your air to sunny-side up?
11:36How can two black sooty lumps have a sunny-side?
11:39Oh, come on.
11:40How do you want them?
11:41Cooked by somebody else.
11:43What's that?
11:45Oh, a frillo pad.
11:46Must have dropped in.
11:49I'll have cornflakes.
11:51Look, we can't waste eggs.
11:53We've got to raise £80 today.
11:55Yeah, I've been thinking about that.
11:56Listen, we, well, one of us,
11:57could try and get a bank overdraft.
11:59I've already got one.
12:00They're not much fun.
12:01I can't get one.
12:02Post office don't give overdrafts.
12:04Here.
12:06Oh, right.
12:07Well, you know, I suppose, er...
12:09I could try and get one.
12:11Hey!
12:12That was your breakfast.
12:15But it didn't look like food.
12:17I think I'll stick to cornflakes.
12:19Oh.
12:20What's the matter with your leg?
12:21Oh, I've just broke it in three places,
12:23but it's OK.
12:23I've taken an aspirin.
12:25Did you do it climbing the drainpipe?
12:27No, I did it falling off the drainpipe.
12:29All right, please don't forget your key again.
12:31I've got a pig in my bedroom.
12:35I don't think you know that.
12:37Did you know that, Chrissie?
12:39No, a money pig.
12:40Why don't we see how much cash we've actually got?
12:42Actually, I've got a jar full of apenies.
12:44Well, it's a start.
12:45Go and get it.
12:46All right.
12:48I know I haven't got much.
12:50I blew my life savings on a packet of crisps.
12:54What's string worth these days?
12:56Not much.
12:57I'm afraid the boom days of 1959 will never return.
13:01I mean, save up to buy a car.
13:03It's a slow process.
13:05You know, I think I'm going to have to break this.
13:08Wouldn't it be easier just to take the cork out of its bottom?
13:11Oh, yeah.
13:12Hang on a second.
13:18Oh, I thought I had more than that.
13:22I owe you three pounds, Chrissie.
13:25Oh, well, it was your birthday.
13:26I had to buy you a present.
13:30Listen, not to worry.
13:32Listen, with that little lot there and that little lot there,
13:35oh, we should have quite a piddling amount.
13:38I'll have to try and get a bank overdraft.
13:41Listen, I'll pop into the bank at my lunchtime, okay?
13:45Oh, morning.
13:47Oh, yeah, about the rent.
13:48Oh, I'm a kid.
13:49See you later.
13:50Bye.
13:53Of course, it could be an embrocation.
14:01Do sit down.
14:06An overdraft, you say, Mr, uh...
14:09Uh, Tripp.
14:10Our Tripp.
14:11Robin Tripp, two Ps.
14:15Jenkins, could you fetch me Mr Tripp's file?
14:17Our Tripp, two Ps.
14:21I must say, I think your bank commercials on the cinema,
14:24you know, the funnest of the lot.
14:25I laugh every time I see them.
14:26Yes, how much exactly?
14:27Oh, quite a lot.
14:28Sometimes my ribs start aching with the pain.
14:31Money, Mr Tripp.
14:33Money, yes.
14:34Um, well, 80 quid, 80 pounds.
14:37Mm-hmm.
14:40You're probably aware that we normally require some form of security.
14:44What, you mean, uh, life insurance policies,
14:46stocks and shares, property deeds?
14:48Yes, yes, that sounds more than adequate.
14:50Haven't got any.
14:52Uh-huh.
14:54Well, then perhaps you could give me some idea
14:56for what the money's to be used for.
14:57Yes, well, I'm living with these two people.
15:00Yes, well, that would be expensive.
15:03Come in.
15:07I'm afraid I can't find any trace of Mr Tripp's file, sir.
15:11Really, Jenkins, our customers are entitled
15:13to expect a little more efficiency than this.
15:15Uh, perhaps I...
15:16Will you go and look again, thoroughly?
15:18I'm sorry, Mr Tripp, I can't think how this happened.
15:21Maybe it's because I haven't got an account here.
15:24Oh, yes.
15:30Well, uh, I apologise, Jenkins.
15:33Hmm.
15:34Perhaps I, perhaps I should have mentioned this earlier.
15:37No, no, it's my fault.
15:39Hadn't occurred to me that you'd be asking for an overdraft
15:41on an account you hadn't got.
15:45It's a loan, really, isn't it?
15:46I mean, I could open an account, couldn't I?
15:48Yes, you could.
15:50For a minimum deposit of one pound.
15:52Oh, well, uh, I've got two pounds.
15:55Two pounds?
15:55Hmm.
15:57In, uh, Hapenance.
16:07We didn't have much luck either.
16:09Asked my boss for a sub, he turned his hearing aid off.
16:12He's a drag.
16:13He chases you round the desk
16:14and then he doesn't know what to do when he catches you.
16:17Listen, I've just had a thought.
16:19We mustn't despair.
16:21Yes?
16:21What is it?
16:23Well, that's it, we mustn't despair.
16:24Oh, Lord.
16:25Well, I mean, come on, between the three of us,
16:27we've nearly got four quid.
16:29What use is four pounds?
16:30We need 80.
16:3220 to one.
16:33Rank outsider.
16:34I've got it straight from the stable bed.
16:36Can't lose, he said.
16:3720 to one.
16:38What, is that a horse, Jim?
16:39Yeah.
16:40Tea biscuit, 20 to one, rank outsider.
16:43Which race?
16:44Haddock Park, 2.15.
16:46Haddock.
16:47Romped home, four lengths.
16:51Romped?
16:51Yeah, won myself a nice little packet.
16:54Quite a few quid.
16:55Jim, Jim, I was wondering, actually,
16:57if you could, you know, give me a small loan.
17:00How much?
17:0280.
17:03Well, since it's you,
17:06here, I'll tell you what.
17:09Take a quid.
17:10Er, no.
17:11Don't bother about the change.
17:13No, no, no, that's not what I meant, Jim.
17:14Yeah, but you said you wanted to borrow some.
17:15No, no, oh, never mind, it doesn't matter.
17:18Er, evening, Jim.
17:19Evening.
17:19Yeah, I'll have, er, two large gin and tonics, please.
17:22Oh, and a packet of bacon-flavoured crisps, please.
17:26Good evening, Mr. Tripp.
17:28Would you like a drink?
17:29Evening.
17:29Oh, er, I'm sorry, er, about the rent.
17:32Er, yes.
17:33Well, I was, er, going to, to, er, er, sorry, the shopping.
17:36Sorry.
17:36Hello.
17:37Goodbye.
17:38Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
17:43Perhaps it's just you, George.
17:46Oh, dear.
17:48Get your elbow out of the ashtray.
17:52New suit, is it?
17:53Oh, yeah.
17:54Oh, thanks to you.
17:55Yeah, you had a quid each way on tea biscuits.
17:58George, I think you owe Jim a drink.
18:00What?
18:01Er, yes.
18:03Oh, I'll have half a pint on me.
18:07Oh, dear, oh, dear.
18:11I'm fed up having to run every time we see the Ropers.
18:14Oh, there him are, the trousers.
18:16Oh, we should have put it back on the end of the string.
18:18Listen, that's the first place a burglar looks.
18:20Never mind, I put one here.
18:23Chrissie, and that's the second place.
18:28Honestly, our first chance is to leave the door wide open
18:31and hope they think it's a trap.
18:32Well, I've been trying to put it off,
18:33but I've decided the only thing to do is phone my parents,
18:35try and borrow the 80 quid.
18:37Oh, no, we can't let you do that, Chrissie.
18:38I mean, after all, it is our responsibility as well.
18:40She knows what she's doing.
18:42You're right.
18:42Listen, try and screwing for 100.
18:43We can have a night out.
18:45I'm not sure I'd even be able to...
18:46Hello?
18:47Oh, hello, Mother.
18:49How are you all?
18:50Yeah.
18:51Yes, I know I haven't phoned you for ages, but...
18:55No.
18:56No, of course I don't want to borrow any money.
19:00Not much.
19:03You know that young policeman who was looking at me?
19:06What, you mean the one with the Randy whistle chain?
19:08Yeah.
19:10Well, it wasn't lust.
19:11It was suspicion.
19:13No, no.
19:13Well, I mean, as far as they're concerned,
19:14you know, it could have been one of us who took the money.
19:16Ridiculous.
19:17Yeah.
19:19I suppose.
19:20What do you mean?
19:21Well, I mean, you know,
19:23one of us by accident most probably sort of
19:24could have put the money away, hid it away, you know,
19:26and then, you know, by accident sort of forgot all about it.
19:29Do you think it was me?
19:31Of course not.
19:33Do you think it was Chrissie?
19:34Good Lord, no.
19:36But you think it was you?
19:38No.
19:39No, no, no, no.
19:40I mean, I don't trust any of us, you know, so...
19:42But I am not going to allow the fact that I didn't do it
19:44to prejudice myself.
19:45Oh, what a tale of love.
19:47The roof needs repairing.
19:48Dad's down with his back and the wheels come off the tractor.
19:51Oh, so you couldn't borrow any money?
19:52I promise to send them a fiver a week as soon as I'm straight.
19:57Robin has a new theory.
19:58He thinks it might be an inside job.
20:00No, no, no, I didn't say that.
20:01Oh, I see what you mean, though.
20:03Roper.
20:04Roper?
20:05No, I mean, I know he's a bit of a pain, you know,
20:07but he's hardly...
20:09He was wearing a new suit.
20:11And he bought a large gin.
20:13Yeah, but he's hardly...
20:14No, two, two large gins.
20:16Do you think it could have been Roper?
20:17I do if you do.
20:19And I do if you do.
20:20It's Roper.
20:21Ah, at last.
20:23Now, listen, about the rent money.
20:24Excuse me, Chrissie.
20:26I apologise, Mr Roper, if I'm wrong, but I think you took it.
20:29Yes.
20:30Obviously, we can't prove it.
20:31What?
20:32That's what I've been trying to tell you.
20:34When I came to Menger Tap yesterday.
20:35Well, why didn't you sign the rent book?
20:37Well, I did sign the rent book.
20:46Um, nice cup of tea, Mr Roper.
20:49Sit down.
20:50It'll be very nice.
20:53There is just one other thing.
20:56What about this month's rent?
20:58I don't know.
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