- 2 days ago
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00:18For more information, visit www.FEMA.gov
00:30Oh, my God.
01:02I hate coming home to a sink full of dirty dishes.
01:05Stop complaining. It's your turn to wash up this week.
01:07Most of these are from last week when it was your turn.
01:11I recognise the egg.
01:13I'm making the beds this week. Not every day, but there's no point going mad.
01:16Look, the pan's coming off and the egg isn't.
01:19I think I'd like one of those continental things to fling on my bed.
01:23Like Sasha Distel?
01:24Mm. Yeah, you do. Keep me warm.
01:28Ah, here comes dinner.
01:31All right, besides the chips, the peas are in the pan.
01:33What's for the main course?
01:34Chocolate cream gatta.
01:36You won't need the gravy.
01:38Listen, I can't pick and choose what I'm given to cook,
01:40but next Saturday, football.
01:41Braised, boiled, fried?
01:43I'm playing it. I'm in the team for the technical college.
01:46Oh, can't you get out of it?
01:47Well, OK, you see. I mean, it's a great privilege.
01:49It's an honour, you know, and it also pulls the birds.
01:51I mean, South Kent Tech is a very widely known team.
01:54Never heard of it.
01:54Well, no, I mean, neither is it today,
01:56but it's widely known to a select few.
01:59They're seventh in the league.
02:00How many are there?
02:01Er, well, eight.
02:02You know, but they've been having a run of bad luck recently.
02:05I mean, the only reason I'm playing is that, you know,
02:06one of the regulars, Barry, he sprained his toe kicking the scoreboard.
02:09So they picked you?
02:10Well, come on.
02:11I mean, there were only two people available for football,
02:13and the other one, you know, she was pregnant.
02:15So, er...
02:16I could score with both feet.
02:17Oh, you'd think you'd fall over.
02:19And look, we're very pleased for you,
02:21but what are we going to do for dinner tonight?
02:22Well, there's a Chinese takeaway around the corner.
02:24No, there isn't.
02:25They've taken it away.
02:26It's a betting shop now.
02:27Tell you what, we'll go down to the Mucky Duck
02:29and buy you a pint and pie to celebrate, all right?
02:36Really, George, I've never heard such a language.
02:39That traffic warden had got a job to do.
02:40Well, I hate to say my piece,
02:42if you haven't kept me a little twit, I said,
02:44I've half her mind to thump you, I said.
02:45Yeah, only after she'd gone.
02:49Hello, dears.
02:50Hello.
02:51Right, so that's two lagers and a pint.
02:53And I'll have a large scotch.
02:57Oh, yeah, I'll have one of the same, dear.
02:59Yeah, I'll give you a hand to carry them.
03:00Oh, thank you very much.
03:01Great.
03:05He's a bit bolshy tonight.
03:07Threatened a traffic warden.
03:08Him?
03:09They wouldn't have him as bouncer for mother care.
03:12Perhaps it's the full moon.
03:14And a large scotch.
03:15Oh, it's purely traditional.
03:17I've got this terrible...
03:18And can I have three of those pies, please?
03:19Ah!
03:24Could you make that three cheese robes?
03:26All right, are you coming to see me on Saturday?
03:28I'm playing football for the Technical College.
03:29Football?
03:30Cool.
03:31Hasn't been the same since Stadley Bathew's retired.
03:34Stadley Bathew's?
03:35Good.
03:36Stadley Bathew's.
03:37The wizard of the dribble.
03:39Oh, yeah.
03:39I used to have dozens of colds every winter.
03:42Then I started taking vitamin C.
03:43Last year I only had one.
03:44Oh, really?
03:45Hmm.
03:45Last year from October to March.
03:47Then she gave it to the milkman.
03:49Well, it was his birthday.
03:51There you go.
03:53Three cheese rolls.
03:55Oh, a pipe for myself.
03:58Oh, yeah.
03:59Oh, yeah.
04:01Bathew, Galtonson, Banyan.
04:03They're all barbarous bit-filled, Ben.
04:05Yes, and we've got them today.
04:06Yeah, as long as they had layabouts.
04:08Too busy putting in their heated rollers to train.
04:10Now, come on, take Peter Osgood.
04:11Well, you take him.
04:12I'll take him.
04:13So will I.
04:13He can curl one in on me any time.
04:15Well, he never scored five goals for Blackpool in the Cup.
04:18No, no, he plays for Chelsea.
04:20Always an excuse.
04:22You know, can't we talk about something less controversial?
04:24Religion or politics?
04:25Yes, George.
04:26All right, all right.
04:30I think Enoch Powell should be Prime Minister.
04:34Let's talk about Bathew's Bortensen and Banyan.
04:40Oh!
04:42Oh, stop panicking.
04:43You don't see me scurrying about trying to get to work on time.
04:46I'm calm, relaxed, in control of the situation.
04:48It's your day off.
04:49That's part of it.
04:52Don't tell me that clock's slow.
04:54No.
04:54Oh, good.
04:55It's stopped.
04:55Oh, God.
04:57Have you given Robin a knock?
04:58He's awake.
04:58I heard him sneezing.
05:00Sneezing?
05:02Morning.
05:03What's the matter?
05:04Don't you feel too good?
05:07Well...
05:10Oh...
05:28Oh...
05:28You've got that, don't you?
05:29Roper.
05:30Yeah.
05:31Mark that cup so as we don't use it.
05:33Oh, I'll carry a bell if you like.
05:35Unclean, unclean.
05:36Honestly, if I don't shake this off a satino, I'm not going to be fit to play.
05:40Oh, poor thing.
05:41We must look after ourselves, mustn't we?
05:43We must get better.
05:44We must go to bed.
05:46We?
05:47Optimist.
05:49Take our medicine chest with you.
05:51What?
05:52Oh, God.
05:53Oh.
05:54Come on.
05:55Oh.
05:56In you go.
05:57Oh.
06:01I think I'll give him my electric blanket.
06:04Well, someone's got to look after him, haven't they?
06:06Oh, we could have him destroyed.
06:07What?
06:08Lose his share of the rent?
06:23Here we are.
06:25Hot lemon juice.
06:29What?
06:30You've got that lipstick stuck up your nose.
06:38So, I don't know what half these things are in here for.
06:40No, neither do either.
06:41They might come in useful one day.
06:43Oh, look.
06:44Have some of these.
06:45They're a pretty colour.
06:46Jo, Jo, look.
06:47It's very dangerous to take medicine without a doctor's prescription.
06:50Oh, they won't do you any harm.
06:51Men don't get what they're for.
06:52Oh.
06:55I dug out that old electric blanket of ours.
06:58It's a bit moth-eaten, but it should be all right.
07:00What, that whole thing?
07:01But that was here when we came.
07:02Listen, are you sure?
07:03Are you sure this is safe?
07:04Yeah, of course it is.
07:05It's probably pre-war, but then electricity hasn't changed much, has it?
07:09I might get electrocuted.
07:11You want to live forever?
07:12Get in.
07:14I'm going to be late for work.
07:16Well, off you go, then.
07:17No, no.
07:17I want to see what happens when you switch it on.
07:21It's perfectly safe.
07:22Now, let it...
07:23Oi, oi.
07:23Why have you got your fingers crossed, then?
07:25Well, you never know, do you?
07:26What?
07:27Right.
07:28Five.
07:29Four.
07:30Three.
07:31Two.
07:32One.
07:34See?
07:35Oh, I'm going.
07:37Oh, hot mothballs.
07:39Right.
07:40Where's that thermometer, Lars?
07:41Ha.
07:42Here we are.
07:44Chrissie, Chrissie, that's a cooking thermometer.
07:46So?
07:47Listen, the last time that was used, it was probably stuffed up a chicken.
07:50I'm not putting that in my mouth.
07:51There are other places.
07:53Oh, you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you?
07:55Oh, of course.
07:56Right, I've got the ideal thing for you.
07:58Oh, Mother Asquith's mystical remedies.
08:00Oh, yeah.
08:02Now, take a quantity of boiled cabbage leaves, an oil of cod's liver, and beeswax, and place
08:07on the parts.
08:09I beg your pardon.
08:11That's for gout.
08:13Here's one for colds.
08:15Take one pound of goose grease.
08:17Goose grease?
08:17Have you ever seen a goose with flu?
08:19No, no.
08:20It's to rub on your chest.
08:21I see.
08:22But don't worry, you'll live to play football again.
08:24I'll get you better, even if it kills you.
08:27Oh, ho, ho.
08:27Goose grease.
08:31Ah, lard'll do.
08:34Right.
08:36Eat the eggs.
08:39Vinegar.
08:41Vinegar.
08:43Spirits of turpentine.
08:46Slurper turps.
08:49Spirit of wine.
08:52Spirit of wine.
08:53Ye gin bottle.
09:00Morning, morning.
09:01Hey, I've just dug out this photograph album to show the young fella.
09:04There's a picture in here of me and Stanley Matthews together.
09:06You sound a lot better this morning.
09:08Oh, the cold.
09:09Oh, oh, yeah, I think I lost it.
09:11No, you haven't.
09:11It's up here.
09:12There's something on the stove.
09:14Me and Stanley.
09:15Now, there was the player.
09:17You never saw him tripping over his own hair.
09:19Oh, look, there we are.
09:20That's him just after he scored in the final.
09:22Well, I can see Stanley Matthews, but where are you?
09:24Oh, well, there's me there in the background.
09:26What, being carried off the pitch by the police?
09:29Hello.
09:30What have you got there?
09:31It's Robin's.
09:31Oh, excuse me.
09:32Oh, yeah.
09:33He's a bit of a chef, I believe.
09:35Cordon Bleu.
09:38Oh, it's piquant.
09:43Must be in a quiet taste.
09:46Camphor.
09:47Why are you putting camphor in it?
09:48Because he's got a cold.
09:49This is to rub on his chest.
09:50Oh.
09:53He's in bed if you want to see him.
09:58Oh, media rare.
09:59Great.
10:00Right, I'm ready for basting.
10:03Hello.
10:04Oh, hello.
10:05It's typhoid Mary.
10:07Come on, don't we love it?
10:08I've brought this to show you.
10:10Ah, look, there he is.
10:11A wizard of the dribble.
10:13Oh, yeah.
10:14Great.
10:14Oh, yeah, and some idiot being carried off by the police.
10:17Honestly.
10:18It's so ridiculous the way they run on.
10:21And, er...
10:23Well, natural enthusiasm, I suppose.
10:25All right, lie back.
10:26Open your pyjama top.
10:27Listen, are you sure this is going to work?
10:29Well, old mother Asquid swore by it.
10:31She must have been mad.
10:32Oh, no.
10:33It smells terrible.
10:34You should taste it, son.
10:37Listen, I'm not...
10:38I'm not quite...
10:38Oh!
10:41Oh!
10:41Oh!
10:42Oh, it's hot.
10:43Don't be a baby.
10:44I'd quite enjoy it if it was me.
10:45Yeah, I'd quite enjoy it if it was you.
10:48Oh!
10:49Oh, it's tickling.
10:50It tickles.
10:51Oh!
10:52Would you like me to leave?
10:54Now, now, it's all right.
10:55Oh, I can feel the warmth.
10:57Oh, going right through my body.
10:58There must be powerful stuff.
10:59He's taking the hairs off his chest.
11:02You what?
11:03It's all right.
11:04They can always stick them back on again.
11:05Oh, yes.
11:06Oh.
11:39Oh, I've had a really rotten day.
11:42All that typing, you know, it's really made my ears sore.
11:46Typing? Made your ears sore?
11:48No, no, no, don't tell me, let me work it out.
11:51Typing ear. Typing, typing, ear.
11:54You plug a dictaphone in, right?
11:55Yeah, and it's really made my ears sore. How's Robin's cough?
11:58Oh, he's taking it like a man, moaning, groaning and feeling sorry for himself.
12:02I phoned Dr MacLeod, he said he'd pop in later.
12:08Oh.
12:10Hello.
12:13Oh, three days to go. I'm never going to be fit to play football or something.
12:17You look like Lawrence of Arabia.
12:20We're doing everything we can.
12:22Do you know, I read a book once.
12:26And look of the frozen north, you see.
12:28And when an Eskimo gets a cold, all the women of the tribe, well, the young women, really,
12:34see, they all strip off and they get into bed with him, you see,
12:38on the theory that they're all going to sweat it out together.
12:40Oh, yeah.
12:41Does it work?
12:42No, but it doesn't seem to bother them.
12:45You'll have to make do with your electric blanket.
12:47Right.
12:48Listen, I think I'll have this in the other room, honestly.
12:49This room's so small, every time I sneeze my ears pop.
12:52God.
12:53Oh.
12:54Oh.
12:55Oh, I feel like an old man.
12:58You're out of luck. We haven't got one.
12:59Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
13:04Right. Tuck into that.
13:06Oh, thanks very much, Chris.
13:07Listen, listen, I really do appreciate everything you've done for me today, really.
13:13Chrissy, is this English mustard?
13:14Yeah.
13:15Now, come on, you know I like French mustard, my beef.
13:17It's cheese.
13:20I can't taste a bloody thing.
13:23Yes, as well, because the cheese was a bit mouldy.
13:25Well, it's all penicillin, isn't it?
13:27Right.
13:28Good evening, Dr McClone.
13:30Where's the patient?
13:31Oh, there.
13:32Ah, ha, ha.
13:34Well, what seems to be the trouble, young man?
13:38Come on.
13:40Locked you?
13:43I'm sorry, that was a sandwich.
13:44I've got a cold, I've got a flu, I've got...
13:47I hope you don't mind being called out just for that.
13:50Oh, as it happens, I had a strangulated hernia in the next street.
13:53Would you like to sit down?
14:00Are you a regular?
14:01Oh.
14:02Oh, yes, we set our clocks by him.
14:04Ah, ha.
14:05Mm.
14:07Ah, ha.
14:08Ah, ha.
14:09Shouldn't we boil up masses of hot water or something?
14:12No, I shouldn't bother.
14:13That's one thing he definitely isn't.
14:15Can you get him better by Saturday, because he's playing football?
14:17Well, I could give him a high-potency vitamin injection, I suppose.
14:21Oh, good.
14:22I've no faith in them myself, but there you go.
14:26Who are you playing for?
14:28South Kent Tech.
14:29Mm-hmm.
14:30Hmm.
14:30Well, just lower your pyjama trousers and bend over.
14:34Right.
14:34Oh, thanks very much.
14:35Cheers.
14:37Cheers.
14:46Chrissie, I'm sure the doctor might like a nice cup of tea, yes?
14:49Not for me, no, thank you.
14:52Er, well, you know, isn't there something you two girls should be doing in the kitchen?
14:56No.
14:56Will you push off the pair of them?
14:58We can take a hint.
15:01Well, I'm a keen Arsenal supporter myself.
15:06What do you think of it?
15:07Arsenal?
15:08I think they're a load of...
15:09Erm, do you mind if I tell you after you've given me this injection?
15:14As if we'd be interested in seeing him with his pajamas down.
15:17Oh!
15:17Oh, and that was only the alcohol swab.
15:21Oh, it's a matter of fact, I don't think much of Arsenal.
15:24I'm a Southampton supporter.
15:26Southampton?
15:26Yeah.
15:27Ah, well, you're probably a wee bit feverish.
15:31Just you stay in bed, and by Saturday, with a bit of luck, you'll be all right.
15:35Oh!
15:40Oh, you don't mind me borrowing your toothbrush.
15:42Mine's melting.
15:43Oh, that's not mine.
15:44It's the one we clean our suede shoes with.
15:46Oh!
15:49Morning, morning.
15:50Morning.
15:51Watch this.
15:55Thank you, thank you, thank you.
15:57I'm smelling again.
15:58You've been smelling all week.
15:59Goose, grease and camphor.
16:01No, no, I mean, I'm fit.
16:02I'm fit.
16:02The sap is rising.
16:04Oh, what do you want for breakfast?
16:05Oh, I think I'll have you on, too.
16:06Oh!
16:07Hey, watch him.
16:08His sap's rising.
16:09What, before breakfast?
16:10Oh, I can just see it.
16:12I can just see it this afternoon.
16:13Wallop!
16:14One goal up.
16:15Wallop!
16:15Two goal up.
16:15Oh, not lead.
16:17Three goals up.
16:18Only a minute gone.
16:19The crowd start muttering.
16:20Who can he be?
16:20Is it Pelly?
16:21White it up!
16:22It's you.
16:23I saw a bouton.
16:24Oh, it's most probably the team captain.
16:26No panicking about my fitness.
16:27He does a quick one, too.
16:28He calls for it.
16:30Wow!
16:30Oh, what a goal.
16:32They tie his legs together.
16:33Give the other team a chance.
16:34You ought to try one.
16:36You ought to try two.
16:36And one of a pack of rams.
16:38Ignore this talent.
16:39Hello, Tom.
16:40Yeah, yeah.
16:41Listen, sorry I couldn't make the training, you know,
16:43but I was finding off this code, but I'm fit and ruined.
16:47Larry?
16:49What, his toe?
16:52Is it?
16:54Is he?
16:57Oh.
16:58That is, that is good news.
17:02Yeah, fine.
17:03Okay.
17:04Yeah, okay, Tom.
17:05Yep.
17:06Fine.
17:15Well, I'm out of the team.
17:17Oh, why?
17:18Well, you know, Barry, you know, and his, his bruised toe, well, with deep heat treatment and all that,
17:24but, um, he's going to be fit to play.
17:28Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
17:30I mean, Tom said, you know, uh, you know, next time they'd consider me, you know, if they're desperate.
17:35Oh.
17:36Never mind.
17:37It could have been worse.
17:38You could have lost your place to the one who was pregnant.
17:40Yeah.
17:41Yeah.
17:42Oh, dear.
17:43You know, I'm not, I'm not upset about it at all, you know.
17:47It's only a game.
17:48I'll buy you a pint at lunchtime.
17:50Yeah, fine, fine.
17:52No, you know, I'm really, I'm really glad that they've got the team they wanted.
17:56I mean, you know, I was only, I was only trying to help.
17:59You know, if they don't want me, uh, I shall just go out and cut my throat.
18:08Oh, you can't help feeling sorry for him, can you?
18:14He's chucked off the team.
18:19I don't find that amusing, George.
18:22Oh, no, no.
18:24Oh, he's very sad, really, isn't he?
18:26I mean, after all the effort you've made to get me...
18:31I suppose it does have its funny side.
18:33Yeah, of course it does.
18:34Here I ask for a large scotch.
18:35Yeah, so did I, but she didn't hear me.
18:38Look, we can still go to the match if you want.
18:40No, we can't.
18:41It's an away game.
18:41It's a catford.
18:42Well, we can hire native guides, hack our way through with machetes.
18:45No, we'll never make it now.
18:47Not by bus.
18:48Well, hire an elephant.
18:52You can borrow our car if you like.
18:54Hire an elephant.
18:57What?
18:59Make a nice change for it, George.
19:00I mean, actually moving, instead of understanding they're being polished.
19:04Now, look here.
19:05That's very, very decent of you, thank you.
19:06Keys, George.
19:07I'm not lending my car to the night to...
19:09Keys!
19:14Keys!
19:23Back!
19:24Back!
19:25Back!
19:25Come on.
19:26Oh, be careful because there's not much room.
19:28Right hand out!
19:31Right hand out!
19:32Lift hand down!
19:39You could get a double-decker bus in here.
19:41Come on, back!
19:42Back!
19:43Come on, you've got yards!
19:46Blimey!
19:48You girls going to the match?
19:49Yes.
19:50Oh, yeah.
19:51Come on, back!
19:54Come on, back!
19:55Should be a good game, I reckon.
19:57Ow!
20:02Oh, blimey.
20:03And it's the same toe.
20:04Bad luck, Barry.
20:05Oh, sorry.
20:06Oh, Barry.
20:08No, really.
20:09You know, I'm awfully sorry about this.
20:11You know what I mean?
20:12I mean, I haven't got a leg to stand on, have I?
20:14Neither has he.
20:15No, but I mean, you know, I didn't want to get into the team, you know, like this.
20:19I mean, it's not fair on you, is it?
20:22Not fair on me.
20:23Well, it is fair on me, but I mean, not this, this way, you know.
20:27Honestly, I'm so sorry.
20:28Really, sorry.
20:33Sorry, really.
20:33I'm very sorry.
20:34Sorry.
20:35Look, you'd better play in Barry's position, all right?
20:37Wing three quarters.
20:38Yeah, okay.
20:44Tom.
20:45Yeah?
20:46Tom, this is, this is a rugby ball.
20:48Right.
20:50And, um, we're, we're playing, um, we're playing rugby football.
20:54Is there any other kind?
20:56All right, come on.
20:57Let's have you.
20:57Come on.
20:59Oh!
21:00Tom!
21:03Hey, either the goalie's got very long arms or Robin's made a boo-boo.
21:11Tom, Tom, I think there's something you ought to know.
21:13Tom, can I just have a quick word with you, Tom?
21:15Robin's made a boo-boo.
21:19Tom, there's something you ought to know, look.
21:28Tom.
21:33Tom!
21:34Tom!
21:35Tom!
21:36Tom!
21:36Tom!
21:37Tom!
21:37I thought I said, you ought to do.
21:38I don't think it.
21:46Is that all you have to pay for? Just five minutes?
21:50I was sent off.
21:51For accidentally tackling the referee?
21:53That was no accident. I was being murdered up.
21:55Oh, I've got so many bruises.
21:57Hot liquid paraffin and mustard.
21:59Oh, Mother Asquith swears by it.
22:01Well, you can stick Mother Asquith because I'm not being that rubbed over me.
22:03No, you're not. You're going to drink it.
22:05Oh, don't worry. We'll look after you.
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