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00:01DING, DING, DING, DING.
00:03Oh, God, oh, sweet.
00:04WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!
00:14Zero, zero, zero, enter.
00:16You stupid thing.
00:17You made it the simplest number possible so that even a fool could remember it.
00:20It overestimated you again.
00:21Well, what's the point of it if it's just there to make a bloody racket all the time?
00:24It's supposed to.
00:25I don't care if someone came and took all the furniture, darling.
00:27I can get the back of insurance.
00:28I can't get a perforated eardrum back on insurance, can I, sweetie?
00:31Look, I've got to go and call the central station
00:32and let them know my mother has the memory span of a fruit fly.
00:34And then I need to speak to you.
00:36Oh, darling.
00:37Yes, speak to me, sweetie.
00:38Shaking my boots, darling.
00:39What?
00:40What is it?
00:41Go back to bed, darling.
00:42Have you just come in?
00:44Yeah, into my own bloody house.
00:45You wouldn't believe it, would you?
00:46After a rather gorgeous night.
00:49What time is it?
00:507.30.
00:51What?
00:52In the 7.30, you say?
00:54Yeah.
00:54Well, it means nothing to me.
00:55Go back to bed, darling.
00:57Don't stop there, darling.
00:59Sweetie, keep going.
00:59Come on.
01:01Move your body.
01:08What are you smirking at?
01:09Do you think this is funny?
01:11Oh, funny what, darling?
01:12Funny ha-ha.
01:14You might have rung and let me know what you were doing.
01:16I was too busy doing it, darling.
01:19What's the matter?
01:19Are you jealous?
01:20No, worried.
01:21Oh, what worried?
01:21I might be having some fun.
01:22Well, I was, darling.
01:23Bloody great, bloody fun.
01:24All right.
01:25Ask her who with.
01:26Who with?
01:27Jean-Pierre.
01:28Oh, that bastard.
01:29You didn't tell me he was around.
01:30Oh.
01:31I sort of ran into him by accident, darling.
01:33He's over here directing a new video for Hip Brave Rap Band, darling.
01:37I thought we were going out.
01:39Thanks to you, I had to spend the whole evening alone in this house with Helena Bonham Carter here.
01:44I'm going back to bed.
01:45There's no point in me being up at this hour.
01:47You could not be asleep.
01:48Yeah.
01:49Back in your coffin.
01:50Darling, Patsy's an insomniac, sweetie.
01:53More like the walking dead.
01:55How long is she here for?
01:56I don't know how long you're here for.
01:58How long?
01:59Well, until her flat has been fumigated, darling.
02:02She can't live in it breathing fumes all day, can she?
02:04Why not?
02:04I thought sniffing chemicals is what she did best.
02:07I'm surprised she's not up there already with a straw stuck up her nose.
02:09She should try it, you know.
02:10It might actually be the one substance that makes her socially acceptable.
02:13Darling, it would kill her.
02:15Exactly.
02:17A few hormones talking there, haven't we, sweetie?
02:20So, Jean-Pierre.
02:22Yeah, yeah.
02:23Is he over long?
02:24Well, it sort of depends on me, you know, darling.
02:26He sort of made it quite clear last night he was very well re-smitten, if you know what I
02:30mean.
02:30Did you?
02:31Of course, darling.
02:32I know it's been a long time for me, but it's a bit like riding a bicycle, really.
02:35It's just something you'll never forget.
02:37Well, I hope...
02:38Very careful, darling, yes.
02:39Hold, pack it.
02:40Mum?
02:41Well, as you brushed off the cobwebs, there's no stopping me.
02:45I don't want to know.
02:46Well, darling, you ask the question.
02:48Everyone's getting all lumpy about it now, isn't there?
02:50Anything else you'd like to know, sweetie?
02:52No, thank you.
02:54Maybe you've had a few boyfriends of your own once in a while and don't get so hung up about
02:57it.
02:58I am not hung up.
03:00I'm not hung up.
03:01I'm not hung up.
03:03I mean, I know it's a sensitive issue with someone your age, darling.
03:07I'm a bit embarrassed to talk about it, aren't you, sweetie?
03:09Hmm?
03:10Hmm?
03:11My analyst says I should sort of let you sort it out in your own time and everything.
03:17But Jesus Christ, darling!
03:19Huh?
03:20Not one bloody boyfriend in the whole time that I've known you.
03:23I mean, you're not that bloody ugly.
03:24What's the matter with you?
03:26Huh?
03:27Have you read that karma suture I gave you?
03:29No!
03:30That Dutch cap has only ever seen the light of day.
03:32I mean, God!
03:34Here I am, your mother, poised for your first sexual experience and night after night dry bloody sheets!
03:41Well, I'm sorry, darling, but I don't want a little moustached virgin for a daughter, so do something about it!
03:48Unless, of course...
03:49Mum, don't!
03:49Well, darling...
03:50Mum, please!
03:50Unless, of course...
03:52Unless, of course, you're gay, darling.
03:54Mum!
03:54Well, sweetie...
03:55Are you darling? You can tell me, sweetie. Are you darling?
03:58Yes, I'm gay!
03:59Oh, hurrah!
04:02Oh, well done, darling! Well done!
04:04I'm glad it makes you so happy, but actually, I'm not.
04:08What?
04:09I'm not gay.
04:11I'm sorry.
04:12Oh.
04:14Well, break it to me like that word, don't you?
04:17Yeah.
04:19I suppose it's not your fault, really, is it?
04:22I see your old mother clutching at straws.
04:24I can't find one exotic, interesting feature about you, but there we are.
04:29What time is it?
04:30Eight o'clock?
04:31Oh, wake me at 9.30.
04:33Let the world warm up and have its first fag before I get out.
04:35It's usually smoked 12 packets and been diagnosed with having lung cancer by the time you hit the road.
04:39Get a haircut and a boiler suit so I don't keep having to explain you to my friends, will you,
04:42darling?
04:53All night I've had to hear that. Any more hacking and you'll bring up oil.
04:58Darling, has anyone called?
04:59No.
05:00No.
05:00Oh, what's he wearing?
05:02Oh, is it awful, darling?
05:03Since I've seen Jean-Pierre for lunch, I thought it was sort of him.
05:06Oh, it is him, darling, but it's not you.
05:09Sam?
05:09Well, I like it.
05:10I'll change.
05:12Did you say you were singing for lunch?
05:13Yep.
05:14On to la tour.
05:14I thought we were having lunch.
05:16Don't I always have lunch with you?
05:17Can't I come?
05:18You don't like Jean-Pierre.
05:19Well, nobody likes Jean-Pierre.
05:21Anyway, I wouldn't talk to him.
05:21I'd talk to you.
05:23Oh, look, I just don't want you to make a horrible mistake again.
05:26What do you mean?
05:27Darling, I'm your best friend.
05:28And let's be honest, your taste in many is famously bad.
05:31You know, sweetie, I've had to save you from two disastrous marriages and some ghastly,
05:35pathetic affairs you might nearly have had.
05:36Oh, what a great friend you are, Patsy.
05:38Don't make me have lunch on my own.
05:40Oh, sweetie, you can get someone I have lunch with.
05:42Of course I can get someone.
05:42I can always get someone.
05:43It's just that I haven't got someone.
05:46Go on.
05:48All right, you can come.
05:49Thanks, Eddie.
05:51You're going to the office?
05:51Yeah, I've got to sort out a few things about the shop, darling.
05:54It's going very well, by the way.
05:56I've got gorgeous things coming in from Kashmir, Afghanistan, Albania.
06:00I've got blankets and rugs from Ethiopia.
06:02Dirt cheap, darling, honestly.
06:03And some of those lip plates from dead Amazonian Indians.
06:06I thought we could sell them as ashtrays.
06:10Don't look at me like that, darling.
06:11We do take the lip off, you know.
06:13Oh, that's so sweet.
06:15I've got some lovely cooking pots coming in from Somalia.
06:18I mean, they don't need them.
06:18Got no food to put in the market.
06:20You know, also, sweetie, best news of all, darling.
06:23You know those villages that were deserted by the Kurds?
06:25Yeah.
06:25I bought the entire contents.
06:26Oh, well done.
06:27I know, I know.
06:28The trucks are moving in.
06:29Coups, revolutions, disasters, they're all bargain basements to you.
06:32Oh, darling, they're happy camping.
06:34What are you doing today, Pats?
06:36Oh, I hope she's not lolling around the house again.
06:37Will you shut up?
06:39Will you just shut up?
06:40I'm not talking to you.
06:41I'm talking to my friend.
06:42Is that all right?
06:43God, it's like living with a chronically depressed budgerigal living with you.
06:47Shut up.
06:49Pats.
06:51I'm going into my office.
06:58Your office.
07:00The magazine, darling.
07:01Is that still there?
07:03There's a little meeting, you know.
07:04I said, I've got to go.
07:05You know, about ten minutes or something.
07:07What do you do?
07:09Oh, darling.
07:11Pats is one of the top fashion editors in the top magazine.
07:14Director.
07:14Executive fashion director.
07:16But she's never at work.
07:17I am always at work.
07:19Thanks to our friend, Mr Mobile Telephone.
07:21Anyway, Pats has got that job for life.
07:23You don't mean to say she's actually good at something.
07:25No, darling, she slept with the publisher.
07:28I'm pretty good at it.
07:29I'm pretty good at it.
07:31So what does a fashion director do?
07:33Oh, darling.
07:34She gets a 50% discount at Harvey Nicks.
07:37It's not only that.
07:38I mean, there is work involved.
07:39You know, skill.
07:40Yeah, of course there is.
07:40Yeah, I decide what goes in the magazine.
07:43You know, one snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high that the world is your gynaecologist.
07:49Get lots of free champagne, don't you?
07:50Lots of free champagne.
07:52I direct.
07:53Fashion, yeah.
07:54Get lots of little free goodies, little things we get.
07:56You two have never had to pay for anything, have you?
07:58I paid for you, darling.
07:59A hundred times.
08:03I'm going to go and change quickly, then we'll go.
08:04All right.
08:04Can I still come to lunch?
08:05Yes.
08:09Help you get to the car.
08:13I'm sure this is it.
08:15They must have washed the outside or something, so I didn't realise it.
08:18I can only do that.
08:20It'll be about five minutes.
08:22And then on to San Lorenzo.
08:23Are you sure this is the one, Pads?
08:26Don't question me, Eddie.
08:28Don't tell us, really.
08:31Now, floor.
08:32Do you remember what floor?
08:34We'll just go to reception.
08:36And ask for a map and a list.
08:38Can you do that?
08:40Yes, I recognise this.
08:42Fifth floor.
08:43Now, editor.
08:44Deputy editor.
08:45Beauty editor.
08:46Chief sub-editor.
08:47Food and drink editor.
08:48Managing editor.
08:49Friend of editor.
08:50Corporate deputy chief.
08:51Sub-editor.
08:51Senior sub-editor.
08:52Sub-editor.
08:53Social editor.
08:55Little projects editor.
08:56Now, could you think of the list of editors?
08:58Yeah.
08:59I'm not an editor.
09:00I'm a director.
09:01I'm the fashion director.
09:03It's not even on this floor, Pads.
09:05Look here we are.
09:06Art director, style director, circulation director,
09:08managing director, and director, promotions director.
09:11Yeah, this is it.
09:12Oh, as much as you've left it, by the look of things.
09:15Oh, nobody gets flowers from that florist any more.
09:17Bloody chill.
09:18Oh, look.
09:19Darling, I'm Marnie.
09:20Yeah, only Emporio.
09:21I know, but I can just felt playing that little bit out there now,
09:23wouldn't I?
09:24Is my Chanel still in there?
09:26Not this one.
09:26Yeah, my little baby.
09:28I'll wear it if there's a meeting.
09:29It frightens the editors.
09:30I'm the only one this Chanel could show.
09:32Let them kiss my buttons.
09:34Patsy Starring.
09:35Hi, Mags.
09:36You know, Eddie.
09:36Yeah.
09:37Hi.
09:37Look, are you coming to this meeting?
09:38If I must.
09:39Yeah, good.
09:40We need to drop some more advertising revenue.
09:42We've lost Swiss watches, Lance and Nivea,
09:44two lingeries, one shower gel,
09:45and all my tampons have dropped out.
09:47Oh, dear.
09:47I was a couple of three pages in order
09:48and a bloody re-goosh.
09:50We'll be looking pretty thin this month.
09:51It's not going to be long this meeting, is it?
09:52No, five minutes at the most.
09:54I've got three lunches and a tights launch
09:55to get to by two o'clock.
09:56And all this with my late working breakfast
09:58with Mary Elvin floating about here.
09:59I'll see you in two minutes.
10:01All right.
10:01Best editor of this sort of American Vogue.
10:03Chuck me Chanel heads.
10:05Yeah, I won't, yeah.
10:06Cheap wine and crap canopies.
10:08If I don't get my discount card pretty bloody quick,
10:10she'll find herself plunged into obscurity
10:11designing for British home stores.
10:12Oh, where's Magda?
10:14On the phone to Fergie.
10:15Oh, just give her the bloody hat
10:17and if she calls again, I'm out.
10:18Right.
10:19I've got one minute.
10:20Features, Katrina.
10:22Well.
10:22Do something on a car.
10:24What?
10:24Do something about a car.
10:25I need a new car, a nice one, no rubbish.
10:27Right.
10:27And something about our lovely champanines.
10:29Well, we could tie that in with some glasses.
10:32A friend of mine's got a shop with some lovely glasses.
10:34Anitta?
10:35Yeah.
10:36Maybe we could do some lovely photos.
10:38What about people?
10:39You know, who's in, who's out, who's sexy, who's not sexy,
10:42who's clever, who's not clever.
10:43Right.
10:43Who's in, who's out?
10:44Right.
10:44Here's my list.
10:45Oh, cross her off.
10:46She screwed me.
10:47Oh, and put him in.
10:47He screwed me.
10:48Right.
10:48He'll do something on River Phoenix.
10:50I really fancy him.
10:51Right.
10:51River Phoenix, Mickey Rourke, Leah Neeson.
10:53Don't do anything on anyone called Freud.
10:55I don't like him.
10:56Bunch of no talents with an ancestor.
10:57There we were in the last month.
10:59So, I'm not running a bloody charity.
11:01Just because some old granddad invented penis envy
11:03doesn't mean to start to lick their boots.
11:04Just a girl could be the good friends of mine.
11:07I mean, it doesn't matter.
11:08Right, beauty, make it quick.
11:09She's fabulous.
11:10She puts you in perspective, darling.
11:12Clarins, you say it though, Bloom, Picasso, Chanel.
11:15Make-up, generally.
11:17Um, faces, eyes, lips, nostrils.
11:21It's all off the top of my head.
11:23Um, facial pigment is a thought.
11:25Uh, ten tips on troubled toenails.
11:27Um, I'm thinking natural, zing.
11:30Moist is my word du jour.
11:32Lovely, wet, moist, dropless, lusciousness.
11:35Um, icy sun, sand, water, beach.
11:39Photoshoot-wise, I'm looking at two weeks in the Caribbean.
11:41Um, skin is in.
11:44Oh, of course, the usual.
11:46Try to look more beautiful.
11:46If you want to have more sex.
11:48Very good.
11:49Chuck the sack wrinkle cream, all ya?
11:50Right, get Amish in here.
11:51I want to find out about that restaurant I'm having lunch in.
11:54Patsy.
11:54Yeah, well, it's only big names this month.
11:56Uh, Lauren, Armani, Lagerfeld, Oscar de la Renta.
11:58You know, no British tat.
12:00In Moscow.
12:00Glamour in Red Square.
12:01I'm not using no Russians.
12:03Oh, all too bloody ugly.
12:04Yeah, I'm fat.
12:05Four hundred years of potato diet.
12:06Won't squeeze into a Gautier cup.
12:09No, no, no, no.
12:09If I were all like that, I wouldn't go out.
12:13Michael?
12:14Amish.
12:14Tell me about this restaurant I'm having lunch at.
12:16Hmm.
12:18Comfortable in the grand manner.
12:20Um, stuffed with plutocratic goodies and a decent duck.
12:23A dining room, boudoir-esque, fantasy-eclectic and still fashionably uncomfortable.
12:29A melange.
12:30Possibly a post-Orwellian version of an Edwardian eatery.
12:34The food?
12:35Ecumenical in flavour.
12:37A cosmopolitan adventure of exuberant eclecticism full of amuse-guel and gastro-credibility.
12:43No flash in the Bain-Marie this.
12:46A comforting air.
12:47They're generally...
12:48The tomatoes were rather pulp-ers.
12:51Tart.
12:52It's like a got a bollocks, but he uses that paper and that's what the magazine's all about.
12:56Right, one more thing.
12:57Patsy.
12:57Television people have been on to us.
12:59They want us to do a makeover on their morning television programme.
13:01Their regular's dropped out.
13:02It's good for the magazine.
13:04So I said you'd do it.
13:05Are you mad?
13:05My secretary has the details.
13:07There's a couple of miseries in shell suits waiting downstairs for you to perform a miracle on them.
13:11Fuck me, Eddie.
13:12Darling, you'll be alright.
13:13No, I do.
13:14I swear that you just take them out, get them a haircut, put them in a designer dress and parade
13:17them on television.
13:19Public humiliation, darling. Nothing you can't handle.
13:21Television? I go on television?
13:22Yeah.
13:23Oh, television?
13:24Yeah.
13:24I've always thought I'd be rather good at that.
13:26See you later, darling.
13:27Oh, darling.
13:27You're going to be in later this evening?
13:28Yeah, probably.
13:29You'll be alright.
13:30Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:31Piece of cake, so yeah.
13:32Oh, television, eh?
13:35Oh.
13:36Hello.
13:37Hello, I'm Patsy Stone.
13:43Eddie!
13:45Eddie!
13:49She's not in.
13:51So how did the makeover go?
13:53How did you know about that?
13:55Mum phoned.
13:56She's out on her own with Jean-Pierre having a great time without you.
13:59So have you managed to turn some normal happy people into pathetic fashion freaks this afternoon?
14:04Bitches.
14:04They had no taste.
14:05We disagreed.
14:06The whole thing's off.
14:07Oh.
14:08It was hideous.
14:09What, the outfit?
14:09No, the fight.
14:12The mother and I came to blows over a geometric bob.
14:14I told her the only thing she'd look good in was a body bag.
14:17The daughter rebelled in Yamahoto's shop.
14:19She's now in hospital having a bit of modern furniture removed from her.
14:22Miserable little slut.
14:24I mean, no thought for me and my reputation.
14:25The fact that I've got to be on television tomorrow morning.
14:27Two fantastic outfits and no one to wear them.
14:30Selfish peasants.
14:31Oh, I'm weeping.
14:48Don't bother.
14:50Can I come in?
14:52I know what you want and the answer's no.
14:54How can you know what I want?
14:56Oh, well, maybe I'm wrong.
14:57But I thought you'd come up here to persuade me to be a fashion victim for you.
15:00Well, perhaps you've come up for a little chat, hmm?
15:02Nice, cosy, little, personal little chat with me.
15:04Don't shut that door.
15:05Don't you like my room?
15:07Well, it's what I expected, you know, a little patterned cell.
15:11Curtain, is it?
15:12Would you mind dragging your old carcass out of here now?
15:16Look, I'm sorry.
15:21I know I pretend to hate you and you pretend to hate me and...
15:24I do hate you.
15:26Why?
15:26Because you're a despicable person who's resented me since the day I was born.
15:29Before.
15:31So why should I ever do a favour for you?
15:34I'll pay you.
15:35No.
15:35I'm your mother's best friend.
15:37Best friend?
15:38What kind of friend are you?
15:39What kind of daughter are you?
15:40At least she has fun with me.
15:41I care about her.
15:42Care about her?
15:43You may dress like a Christian, but the similarity ends there.
15:46I think you're doing it on purpose.
15:48How long does it take you to get the crease so crisp down the front of your jeans, you torturer?
15:52Get out!
15:56For you.
15:57For you.
16:00I picked those.
16:01Oh, they're lovely.
16:04Oh, look.
16:05I understand.
16:06You don't understand anything.
16:07Get out!
16:07At least your mother wanted you.
16:10Oh, look.
16:11If this is going to be one of your terrible sob stories, make it quick.
16:13I can hardly hold back the tears.
16:15Go on.
16:16Tell me about your tragic childhood.
16:17About these parents of yours that we never hear anything from.
16:20Who you've probably had committed to an old people's home so they don't discover how old you are.
16:25They're dead.
16:27Smoke you out of that one, babe.
16:29I'm sorry.
16:32Yeah.
16:33Well, I never knew my father.
16:36My mother only knew him fairly briefly.
16:40She had me when she was in her forties.
16:42I nursed her through her last years.
16:44It sort of put a bit of a stopper on me finding someone for myself and settling down.
16:48But there you are.
16:48Anyway, it wasn't her fault.
16:50She didn't want a child.
16:52She'd have got rid of me, but she mistook being pregnant for the menopause.
16:56When she found out it was too late.
16:59Patsy, that's awful.
17:01It was having Eddie and your grandmother that made it okay.
17:03You know, it gave me somewhere to go.
17:05My mother didn't like me having her around the house.
17:07She said I cramped her style.
17:09Made her feel old.
17:15I am Aphrodite.
17:16I live.
17:18I breathe.
17:20I am Diana.
17:22I am Queen Dido.
17:26Oh, what a light dances over the world.
17:32Get out of my way, child.
17:34Don't stand in my path when I'm trying to express.
17:40What are you doing here?
17:42They cut the cord when you were born.
17:44When my body expelled you.
17:47Accept your liberty, my little void.
17:50And let this spirit be free.
17:56Anyway, I've got Humphrey and Andre coming over.
18:00I'd rather not have you around.
18:03If you're planning to go out, don't forget the key.
18:07I'm hoping for a little imaginative synthesis tonight.
18:11And could, frankly, do without the competition.
18:20Beat it!
18:25Is your mother not feeding you, dear?
18:27Oh, you know what she's like.
18:29She's not burning her brow again, is she?
18:31We can't have you turning into a great gangling what's-it.
18:35Skinny, belinky, long legs, big banana feet.
18:40And a roly-poly pudding that nobody wants to meet.
18:51Look at you.
18:55All grief and resentful care.
18:59Here I am in this place of old age and pallid diseases.
19:04Looked after my so-called nurses.
19:09Just gropers of old bones.
19:13You come here and hang breathless around me, hoping for me to die.
19:22Tonight, even my intellectual liberty.
19:26Allowed only two Barbara Cartlands a day.
19:31Forced to sit on my female eunuch, to keep their dirty hands off it.
19:39The tyranny of children.
19:42Oh, for God's sake, just die.
19:49She died soon after that.
19:51The last thing she said to me was, why?
19:54Why have our swords always been locked in battle?
19:57Why have we always been fighting?
19:59And what did you say?
20:01I said we've had locked shields, not thoughts.
20:09Patsy, that's very sad.
20:10I know.
20:12Look.
20:13Yeah?
20:16I...
20:16Yeah?
20:18I'll make a deal with you.
20:19Okay.
20:20I'll do your makeover thing on two conditions.
20:23Name them.
20:24You move out of this house into a hotel.
20:27And you allow Mum to have a boyfriend.
20:30Done.
20:34And call your grandmother.
20:35I need an old woman, too.
20:42What's you up for?
20:44I'm coming, darling, aren't I?
20:45Well, aren't you with Jean-Pierre today?
20:47No, sweetie.
20:47He's shooting his video today, you know.
20:49Well, aren't you needed in the shop?
20:50Look, I will be there later.
20:51I'm coming, okay?
20:54Wake up, Pats.
20:55Come on, darling.
20:57Sweetie.
20:58Oh, God.
20:59What time is it?
20:59Oh, six o'clock in the morning.
21:01Don't even think about it, baby.
21:04What time did you get to sleep?
21:05Oh, I nodded off about three a.m.
21:07Yeah.
21:07I tried at midnight.
21:08I had to take some pills at one.
21:09Yeah.
21:10You know, it's so long since I actually remember going to sleep instead of passing out.
21:13How do we do it?
21:14How do we do it?
21:16How do you get on with, um, Saf and the old woman?
21:18Oh, your mother's fine.
21:19She'll wear anything I tell her to.
21:20But that bitch daughter of yours, she just won't wear the dress I want her to.
21:24This might sound rather odd, darling.
21:26Have you tried saying please?
21:27What?
21:28Well, I don't know why.
21:28Just sometimes it works with Safi, darling.
21:31I can't.
21:31No, try.
21:32It's over quite quickly, darling.
21:33No, I can't.
21:34I mean, I mean, I can't.
21:35I can't say it.
21:36Don't make me say it.
21:36It's doing good for me.
21:37No, no, I want you to say it.
21:37Please do wear the thing I want you to wear and then smile.
21:39I can't smile like that.
21:40I can't afford the wrinkles.
21:42No, you do it, babe.
21:43Do it, darling.
21:44Safi, darling, perhaps there's got a little thing she wants to ask you, darling.
21:47Go on, do it now.
21:48Go on.
21:51Smile.
21:58Please.
21:59Please.
22:00Yeah, will you wear the dress?
22:02Okay.
22:03Come on, we're going to be late.
22:07Come on, you two.
22:08We're doing make-up at seven.
22:09I wonder if Auntie Claire Rayner will be on.
22:12No, I'm on.
22:13Yes, I know, dear, but she may be on, too.
22:15Oh, I do hope so.
22:16I'm always writing to Claire.
22:18What's the matter with you?
22:19Well, I did think once that I had that disease.
22:22Oh, you know, the one.
22:23The one that makes you forget everything.
22:25Alzheimer's.
22:25The one that you get when you're old.
22:27Alzheimer's.
22:28What's it called?
22:29Alzheimer's.
22:30I can't remember.
22:31Come on, we're going to be late.
22:33It seems strange that the make-over should be on us.
22:37Come on, darling.
22:39Come on, sweetie.
22:42Right, well, there's another one here.
22:43This is dear girl.
22:44I don't love this.
22:45No.
22:45I was...
22:46A little catchphrase or something to sum up with, really.
22:48One thing about it.
22:48A little catchphrase.
22:49Sum up with something.
22:50Say something.
22:51Yeah, I could do it in my sleep.
22:53And later on, we'll be talking to the sports personality of the year.
22:57Contradiction in terms.
22:58But now, it's on to my favourite spot, which is the fashion spot.
23:03And we're lucky enough this week to be joined by top fashion editor spot person from Ella
23:08magazine, Patsy Stone.
23:10Patsy, hello.
23:13Good, cheers.
23:14Thanks a lot.
23:16Patsy, am I right in thinking that you've changed the fashion spot into a sort of make-over
23:20spot this week?
23:20Isn't that right?
23:21How did you get on?
23:23Yeah, really well.
23:25Well, well.
23:27I see.
23:28Am I right in thinking that you took two ordinary members of the public and made their dreams
23:31come true?
23:32Yeah, yeah, that's right.
23:34I see.
23:35Could we, um, perhaps take a look at a photograph of our two make-over spotters, perhaps?
23:40No, no, that's a photograph of my new son.
23:43That's really sweet.
23:44Have we got a photograph?
23:46Yes, we have.
23:47I see.
23:47I could have done there, I'd say, Patsy, wouldn't you?
23:50Yeah, cheers.
23:51Thanks a lot.
23:53Right.
23:54Ah, perhaps now we could bring in our make-over spotters, see what they look like now.
23:59There's a lovely outfit there, sort of mixture between a colander and a chainmail outfit,
24:05isn't it?
24:05And here comes a lady in the more mature outfit, who's afraid to wear black in the evening
24:10of her life, I notice.
24:11Do sit down.
24:13That's marvellous.
24:13Is Claire going to be on?
24:15No, dear, sorry.
24:15We lost her with the franchise.
24:18Well, they're not exactly work-a-day outfits, are they, Patsy?
24:23I mean, you'd feel a bit of a fool going up to the supermarket wearing one of those, wouldn't
24:26you?
24:29Yeah.
24:29Cheers.
24:30Thanks a lot.
24:31Why don't we just ask our guinea pigs exactly how they feel about the particular outfits
24:35they're wearing?
24:36How do you feel about them, then, dear?
24:39I'm more of an M&S person myself.
24:42Do you know, so am I.
24:44You can't fail, can you?
24:45Anyway, moving on.
24:47Thank you very much for coming along, everybody.
24:49Patsy, marvellous work, if not a bit way out for me.
24:52Can I just say something?
24:54Yes.
24:56Uh, um, you can, you can never have enough hats, gloves, and shoes.
25:01Oh, my God.
25:03You know, you're a Patsy.
25:04Valuable advice there from our top professional fashion expert.
25:08Yeah, cheers.
25:08Thanks a lot.
25:09Now, um, later on, we'll be taking an in-depth look at acute schizophrenia from 9.20 to 9.23.
25:16And after this is what else but euthanasia.
25:18We're going to be talking to a couple of people who pulled the plugs on their elderly mothers,
25:22so you better watch out, dear.
25:24Ooh, anyway, now, look at Eureka for the weather.
25:27No, second, second.
25:28Weather.
25:31Never have I been so embarrassed in all my life,
25:33and that is saying something after living with my mother for 18 years.
25:36I thought it went very well, dear.
25:38Did you?
25:39Yeah.
25:39Eddie?
25:40Sweetie, you were marvellous.
25:42What a time you were.
25:43Mum, don't humour her.
25:44She stunk.
25:45Listen, you, they offered me a job.
25:47It was only doing the weather.
25:50Mum, have you spoken to Jean-Pierre?
25:51He left a message on the machine.
25:53Well, sweetie, I don't think I'll be seeing Jean-Pierre any more, darling.
25:56I mean, Pat and I talked about it last night, and she's right, you know.
25:59You know, with his job and my shop and everything, it's not really practical, darling.
26:04Get out of this house.
26:05You can at least keep one half of the deal.
26:07Listen, sucker, you went on television.
26:09I'm not going anywhere.
26:11Have you no honour?
26:12She lost that at 14, dear.
26:15I knew the boy.
26:17Right.
26:19Oh, darling.
26:20Success at last.
26:21A teenage temper tantrum.
26:23How did you ever persuade her to do it in the first place, darling?
26:25Oh, I just fed her some old story about my mother not loving me, you know, her being a tyrant,
26:29me looking after her in her old age, blah, blah, blah.
26:33That's true, isn't it, darling?
26:38Damn!