- 2 days ago
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00:28Transcribed by ESO, translated by —
00:43Oh, my God.
01:21Oh, my God.
01:27I was always on at my sister to have a baby and get married.
01:30In that order?
01:31Oh, no, but you know what mothers are like.
01:33Yeah, they love having grandchildren to make a hell out of their declining years.
01:37What do you knit him for him?
01:38Pink booties.
01:40Oh, great.
01:41That'll get him confused about his sex from the word girl.
01:44No, it's my mother's and my sister's fault.
01:46I told her I bought pink wool months ago.
01:49No thought for others, some people.
01:56There's nothing like a long, leisurely bath.
01:58Oh, by the way, I borrowed your evening paper.
01:59Oh, thanks very much.
02:01Yeah, and listen, just to prove that I haven't used more than my share of the water, I've
02:04left a ring around the bath.
02:05Dirty pink.
02:06Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, cleaving.
02:09Listen, that's his second bath this week.
02:11I think he's in love.
02:12I think he is, with me.
02:15What?
02:15Well, he fancies me.
02:17Oh, you mean last.
02:19It isn't last.
02:20It's...
02:21It's...
02:22Well, I suppose it is last.
02:24Has he made a pass at you yet?
02:26Well, no, but it's the way he hasn't.
02:28Sort of deliberate, you know.
02:30But, um, Enoch Powell hasn't made a pass at you, so what does that mean?
02:34Oh, a girl can tell.
02:36A fella doesn't have to do anything or say anything.
02:39There's something in the air.
02:40It's fly's play.
02:41You've got no imagination.
02:43You've got too much.
02:46Well, Chrissie, that's most probably for me.
02:48Could you answer it?
02:48I haven't got any trousers on.
02:49You're not tempting me.
02:52Oh, er, I thought Robin lived here.
02:54Robin Tripp.
02:55Oh, he does, but he hasn't got any trousers on.
02:57Come in.
02:59Thanks.
03:01I'm, er...
03:02I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
03:04What do you mean?
03:05Oh, nothing.
03:06Nothing.
03:09We're going to see Fulham.
03:10What?
03:10All of it.
03:14How'd a match?
03:15They're a football team.
03:17At least some people think they are.
03:19Oh, now, come on.
03:19I've got to start supporting a London team sooner or later, and they need it more than most.
03:22Listen, this is Chrissie, Larry.
03:24Hello.
03:24Got time for a cup of tea?
03:25Oh, yeah, we've got bags of time.
03:28Well, Fulham won't touch the ball for the first 20 minutes, will they?
03:30Ah, come on, listen.
03:31Here.
03:32Who's she, then?
03:33Huh?
03:34Oh, er, she's a girl.
03:35She shares the flat.
03:36She does?
03:37Yeah.
03:37Sharing a flat with a bird?
03:39Yeah.
03:40Suggestive biscuits, eh?
03:41Eh?
03:43Er, do you take sugar?
03:47Er, yeah.
03:48Yeah, it's her.
03:51Who's she, then?
03:52Huh?
03:52She's the other girl that shares the flat.
03:53It's true.
03:54You've landed on your feet, haven't you?
03:56Eh?
03:56Two birds in a flat?
03:58You can't be short of it.
03:59Well, you know how it is.
04:02No, I don't.
04:02Tell me.
04:04Well, they do, they do pester me a little bit, but, you see, I've, er, I've got this
04:08rotor system worked out, you see.
04:10Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for the blonde bit, right?
04:12Yeah.
04:12Tuesdays, Thursdays and Friday.
04:15Yeah, go on.
04:16And the dark bit gets her sheared on at night, say.
04:19Here, I've both went to get her on Sundays, hey?
04:21No, Larry, no.
04:22Pure platonic, Larry.
04:23Well, it's not what you just said.
04:24No wonder you've got rings under your...
04:28Yes, er, tea.
04:29Yeah.
04:29Oh, tough.
04:30I put plenty of sugar in yours.
04:32You need the energy.
04:33Yes.
04:34Er, you know, I don't want you to get the wrong, er, you know, I mean, we were, er, we
04:40were
04:40rehearsing a play.
04:42Rehearsing a play?
04:43Hmm.
04:44Yeah.
04:45Yeah, well, um, we can't hang about.
04:49It's a seven-click cock-off.
04:53Take us, er, take us a good half hour to get in.
04:56Don't kick off.
04:57I mean, clock kick off, I mean.
05:00Tell you what, er, you know, take your tea with you.
05:02Hmm?
05:02Yeah.
05:04Bye.
05:05Bye-bye.
05:07Oh, they're gone?
05:09Yeah, they couldn't get away fast enough.
05:11I was right.
05:12What?
05:12He has these wild, erotic fantasies about us.
05:15Oh, me as well now?
05:16It just shows you what goes on in some people's minds.
05:19His or yours?
05:20I suppose it's understandable, really.
05:23I mean, look at it this way.
05:24He's a bee, and there's only a very thin wall between him and a bedroom full of pollen.
05:29Does as well there are two of us.
05:31Only be one next weekend.
05:32Because in a way we're a sort of mutual protection society.
05:35You know, you at...
05:35Pardon?
05:36Going to my sister's for the baby's christening, I told you.
05:39Yeah, but you won't be away overnight.
05:40Yeah, I go on Saturday and I come back on Sunday.
05:43But there's a night in between them.
05:45I say you were ogling him.
05:47I know an ogle when I see one.
05:49I was smiling at him pleasantly, George.
05:52So he'd give us a nice bit of romp for our Sunday's lunch.
05:54Ogling.
05:55It's all that raw meat hanging round his shop.
05:59Gets you going, doesn't it?
06:00George, Mr Wilkins is fat, 50, and he's got five kids.
06:04I am not completely desperate.
06:06That's what you say.
06:08All right, then I am completely desperate.
06:10But he's not my type.
06:12Oh.
06:13He's got trousers on, hasn't he?
06:15Listen, George, I'm warning you.
06:17If you go any further, I'm going to take that poker and I'm going to...
06:21Oh.
06:23Hello, dear.
06:23Hello.
06:24Oh, you've come to your suitcase, haven't you?
06:26Yes, please.
06:26I really should buy my own, you know.
06:27Oh, don't you bother about it.
06:29You keep it as long as you need it.
06:30Oh, thank you very much.
06:31Pleasure.
06:32Have a nice trip.
06:33Bye-bye.
06:34And wrap it round your scrawny neck.
06:39So what's your sister going to call the baby?
06:41Well, she's going to call him Cyril after my Uncle Charles.
06:46Say that again.
06:48Well, there was this fellow, Cyril, who was after my Uncle Charles, and she liked the name.
06:53They're funny.
06:54Not your family.
06:55Yeah.
06:56Look, do you like the christening spoon I bought?
06:57Oh, yeah.
06:58Nice.
06:59I wonder why they don't do the full set, you know, christening knife and fork.
07:02Yeah.
07:03Look, you wouldn't give it a polish for me, would you?
07:04Because I'm going to miss the train.
07:05Yeah, don't panic.
07:14What do you think of this?
07:15Oh, thanks.
07:18It's not for stirring your tea with.
07:21It's a christening spoon, you great...
07:25What's that you're reading?
07:26Hmm?
07:27Uh, Quorum, the Journal of Personal Relationships.
07:30I found it.
07:32Uh, on a bookstore.
07:35A dirty book?
07:36It's not a dirty book, Chrissie.
07:38It's a serious look at modern-day problems of man, woman.
07:43And one reader's had a crack at being both.
07:46Yeah, dirty book.
07:47No, it's not.
07:48Look, it's full of scientific facts and figures.
07:50I mean, they're quite incredible, some of them.
07:53Um, listen.
07:56What happened to that tape measure we had?
07:59Oh, it's in the sideboard.
08:01Why do you want to?
08:05Well, I just want to measure my head, you know.
08:10They say that you can, you know, you can judge one's virility
08:13by the size of one's skull.
08:17It's quite ridiculous, really, isn't it?
08:20In the, uh, sideboard.
08:25Have you got the christening present?
08:27There.
08:28Look, he's obsessed by sex.
08:29Have you seen what he's been reading?
08:30Oh, stop worrying.
08:31Yeah, but I'm going to be here all night, alone with him,
08:34and he's out there measuring his virility.
08:4322 inches.
08:45No, that can't work.
08:4922 inches.
08:51Sorry.
08:5222 inches.
08:56It's a ridiculous theory, anyway.
08:57If anything, I'm over-saxed.
08:59Look, I must go.
09:00Now I'm coming with you.
09:01For goodness...
09:01Look, put her mind at rest, will you?
09:03She thinks you're all set to ravish her as soon as I've gone.
09:06I didn't say that.
09:07You did.
09:08I didn't.
09:09You didn't, did you, Cazzo?
09:10No.
09:10Ha, ha, ha, you did.
09:12I didn't.
09:12Oh, come on, now, look, since I've been here, right,
09:15have I ever tried it on?
09:17Well.
09:18And am I likely to now,
09:19just because there's going to be the two of us for one night?
09:20Well, I'm going.
09:22Bye.
09:22Bye.
09:22Bye.
09:26Chrissie.
09:27Hmm?
09:3422 and 7 eighths.
09:41Shut up.
10:21Wasn't Miss Craig expecting me?
10:23Was my sister not expecting me?
10:26I don't rightly know that.
10:31We're getting dark soon.
10:33What?
10:34Stop it. You've been deliberately trying to make me nervous ever since Jo left.
10:38It's not true.
10:42You have mended the lock on your bedroom door, have you?
10:45Why?
10:45No, nothing.
11:01I don't think it's the worst chance I have to drink.
11:09We, uh, went to the pub for a drink.
11:16Not that a body mind the regatta itself, only skiffing up and down on the river.
11:23It's not decent, you know. Not decent.
11:27It's the bells of St Mary's, George.
11:32I mean, it's the cleanest film ever made.
11:35Not that. Upstairs.
11:38She's gone. Went this morning.
11:40They're alone together.
11:42There are two of them.
11:44A girl and a fella.
11:46It's not natural.
11:47It is natural, George.
11:50I've been trying to tell you that for years.
11:54We don't know what they're up to.
11:55Well, he's not going to do much in front of Bing Crosby, is he?
11:59Anyway, they're over 21.
12:01This is church commission property, Mildred.
12:05It's not beyond the bounds of possibility.
12:06We could be struck by lightning.
12:13Right.
12:14Coming to the pub?
12:16Oh, yes, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
12:17Pump me full of gin and tonic and pow!
12:19Love that.
12:21Leave yourself.
12:22Oh, and I don't think you should drink too much, either.
12:24So this is what marriage is like, eh?
12:26Right.
12:26Well, I'm going.
12:27You'll be safe.
12:28You know, for a couple of hours.
12:29Yeah, well, I'll be in bed when you get back.
12:31That's the spirit.
12:33Oh!
12:38Sorry, leave him.
12:41Can I come in, love?
12:42Yes, glad of your company.
12:44Oh, that'll change our minds.
12:47Mr. Roper's been on at me to come up and find out whether you're not enjoying yourselves.
12:50Oh?
12:51Yes.
12:51Well, you see, he's gone on a diet, so he doesn't see why anybody else should eat.
13:00Honestly, men do get you down sometimes.
13:02Yeah, you don't have to tell me.
13:04They've only got one thing on their minds.
13:06Hmm.
13:07Fret work, in my experience.
13:13Here you go.
13:14Get that down here.
13:16Cheers.
13:17Cheers.
13:18Cheers.
13:19Cheers.
13:23Tell us how you do it, then.
13:25Do what?
13:27Oh, there's two birds in your flat.
13:29I'm surprised you can still lift a pint.
13:33Well, there's only one this weekend, you know, I'll be right.
13:35Oh, poor little perisher.
13:37I don't know what they see in you.
13:39Listen, I'd rather not talk about it, though.
13:41I mean, two attractive little ravers like that.
13:43Look, I told you, I don't want to talk about it.
13:44All right, suit yourself.
13:48How about Thursday, then, eh?
13:504-0.
13:51And then, Mr Penalty.
13:52Yeah, of course, I think it's Joe, really.
13:53You know, the blonde one.
13:54She faxes me most.
13:56I thought you didn't want to talk about it.
13:58No, I don't.
13:58I don't.
13:59But, you know, let's face it.
14:01Some of us are sort of naturally attractive to women, you know.
14:05We don't ask for it.
14:07And sometimes, you know, it is a trial.
14:10But I've just come to learn to live with the fact, you know,
14:13that I've only just got to snap my fingers,
14:15and there's a girl.
14:16Hello, Robin.
14:21Hello, Liz.
14:22Oh, good night.
14:23What are you doing here?
14:25Oh, I came with Sheila.
14:26It's her local.
14:27Hello.
14:29Hello.
14:34Don't think much of yours.
14:39Right, uh, this is Liz.
14:40You know, we work at the same technical college.
14:42And this is...
14:44Sheila.
14:45Sheila.
14:48Larry, Sheila.
14:49Sheila, Larry.
14:51Right, listen, um...
14:54What would you like to drink?
14:55Gin and tonic.
14:56How?
14:56Pardon?
14:57No, thanks.
14:57All right, sorry.
14:58Gin and tonic.
14:59Then it's a quid.
15:00Gin and tonic, and, uh...
15:02Mine's a shandy.
15:09Well, what about Gary Glitter then, eh?
15:16Eh?
15:18What about him?
15:20Well, he's ever so, you know, glittery.
15:25What does he do to you?
15:30Not a lot, not a lot.
15:33Well, what about Judge Dredd?
15:39And then there was this American.
15:42Yes.
15:43Big Buck Sergeant he was.
15:46Oh, I've never been so well-off for chewing gum in all my life.
15:50And he went back to the States?
15:51Yes.
15:52Of course, he asked me to follow him on, you know, but...
15:55He never gave me his address.
15:57Then you met Mr Roper?
15:59Yes.
16:00Just wasn't my year.
16:02Oh!
16:03Oh, my God.
16:04Is that the time?
16:05Oh, you're not going, are you?
16:06Oh, you keep me talking here all night.
16:08Oh, yes.
16:09I mean, well, um, Robin's been drinking, and he'll be back in a minute.
16:12And would you like another cup of coffee?
16:14Oh, thank you, dear.
16:15Not really.
16:16I must go and put my cold feet on Mr Roper.
16:19One of life's little pleasures.
16:30Well...
16:33See?
16:34Told you it wasn't far.
16:34Well, listen, uh, you know, we'll just have a quick cup of coffee,
16:40and then I'll show you my, uh, my cookery books.
16:45Cookery books.
16:46Great.
16:47Oh, good evening.
16:50Evening.
16:51Uh, this is, uh, Liz, um, a school friend.
16:55If you say so, dear.
16:59Good night.
17:00Good night.
17:01Don't make too much noise, eh?
17:05It's true.
17:07He's got another one.
17:08Get in there, George.
17:10Go on.
17:13Listen, uh, there's one thing I forgot to mention.
17:17Uh, you see, I, I share a flat with someone, you see, so I'll just pop in.
17:23Hey, what's he like?
17:24He?
17:26Oh, oh, he's a drag.
17:28He's a, he's real drag, you know, he's weedy, boring, glasses.
17:33I quite like the intellectual touch.
17:35No, no, you wouldn't like this one.
17:36Anyway, he won't be home.
17:37But, I mean, I'll just check, just to make sure, okay?
17:39Can you just stay there, okay?
17:44Won't be long.
17:55Oh, you're back.
17:56Oh, uh, I was hoping you'd be in bed.
17:58What?
17:58Uh, bed, Chrissy.
17:59Look, I won't beat about the bush.
18:01Do me a favor.
18:02Go to your bedroom.
18:03What for?
18:04What?
18:05Well, I suppose I should have given you a little bit of warning, but, well, come on, Chrissy,
18:10you know when these sort of opportunities come along, you know, you've got to make the
18:15most of them.
18:16I mean, I'm not a monk.
18:17Look, you stay away from me.
18:18What?
18:18I mean, I like you and all that, but we're not going to bed.
18:21No, you're making a mistake.
18:22No, no, you're not going to talk me into it.
18:23No, I mean, it's not as if I don't appreciate your kind offer.
18:25It's not an offer.
18:27No, no, no, of course not.
18:28No.
18:28I mean, I, I mean, I'm flattered, of course.
18:30Oh, but you shouldn't be, you say, you shouldn't be, because I'm not talking about you.
18:33I thought we had it all straightened.
18:34What?
18:35I'm not talking about you.
18:37See, I've got, I've got a girl outside.
18:39You've what?
18:40A girl.
18:41And I was hoping I could sort of bring her in and, well, you know.
18:44Well, what about me?
18:45Well, another night, perhaps.
18:49What am I supposed to do?
18:51I'm in the bedroom.
18:52Okay, well, phone somebody, phone somebody.
18:53There's lots of lonely people, right?
18:55Listen, and I'll do the same if you want to bring a girl home.
18:57Supposedly I don't want to phone anyone.
18:59Knitting, knitting, do some knitting.
19:00I don't want to knit.
19:01No knitting, great, no knitting.
19:02In Liberty Hall, fantastic.
19:05Listen, listen, listen, listen, if I hadn't have, if I hadn't have pulled this, I'd have
19:08been only too happy to, you know, with you.
19:10But listen, you promise you won't come out.
19:14Oh, great.
19:40Come on in, Liz.
19:44Sorry about that, Ernie.
19:46I had to move the goldfish.
19:47He was easily shot.
19:50You think it might do something to shock you?
19:52Well, you never know your luck.
19:53Listen, do you need another?
19:55Sorry, I mean, would you like another drink?
19:56What have you got?
19:57Um, nothing.
19:59I don't think I'd love her.
20:00That's my girl.
20:02Uh.
20:05Oh, are you smoking?
20:07Hmm.
20:08I am a bit.
20:09Oh.
20:13No, no, no.
20:14Nothing special.
20:16We haven't been burgled or anything.
20:17I just thought I'd find out how the christening went.
20:19Oh, you know the usual.
20:21Vicka wet one end, baby wet the other.
20:23Hang on a second.
20:29Oh, the noise.
20:31How's it going your end?
20:32Oh, lovely.
20:34Has Robin tried it on yet?
20:35I'll say he has.
20:36He's trying it on at this very moment.
20:38Oh, you're keeping your voice very steady.
20:40Oh.
20:42Not with me.
20:43He's brought a girl home.
20:44It's not his night.
20:46He thinks it is.
20:47So he doesn't fancy you after all.
20:50I'm glad I reversed the charges.
20:53So, you see, I was reading this, uh, magazine called Quorum.
20:57You know, it's a journal of personal relationships.
21:00And this, uh, psychologist said it was best to give in to your inner emotions.
21:05I don't know if you'd agree with that.
21:08Oh, good, good, good.
21:11And, uh...
21:19Oh, yes.
21:20He also said, he also said that to, uh, share things with someone can be, you know, very meaningful.
21:29I'd like to meet this blackmate, if yes.
21:31What?
21:32The one you, uh, share with.
21:34No, no, no, you wouldn't.
21:35No, very boring person.
21:40I think it's the word I'd use.
21:43You're honestly, you know, he's the ugly...
21:50Good evening.
21:59Uh, Liz?
22:02Chrissie.
22:03Hello.
22:04Hello.
22:04I went to the clinic today, pet.
22:12Did what?
22:13Went to the clinic.
22:14They confirmed it.
22:15It might even be twins.
22:20Come on, Chrissie.
22:23She's kidding.
22:24It's what she just said.
22:26Hmm?
22:26No.
22:28No, I don't mean that.
22:29No.
22:30I mean, look, you see this?
22:31This, this, this, this isn't even her knitting, you see.
22:33This, this belongs to the other girl I live with, you see.
22:38There are two of them.
22:39Yes, I'm Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and she's Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.
22:42Chrissie, what are you doing?
22:44Sorry?
22:45I'll go to bed.
22:46I shan't bother you anymore.
22:49Oh.
22:55Oh, um, one more thing.
22:57Don't believe him about his vasectomy.
23:04Yes.
23:06My last bus.
23:07Oh, no, no, no.
23:09She was only joking.
23:10Of course.
23:11I don't want to upset her and her condition.
23:14Oh, really, really.
23:15Honestly, it's not true.
23:16No.
23:17Perhaps some Sunday.
23:19Your free day.
23:20I'll see my sofa.
23:21Liz.
23:22Oh.
23:26It serves you right.
23:31What'd you do that for?
23:33Oh, I was just rehearsing a play.
23:35Just rehearsing a play.
23:38I mean, you know I, you know I had it made there, don't you?
23:41Hmm?
23:42I mean, I had her all in the mood.
23:50Oh, dear.
23:51Still, I mustn't grumble.
23:56No.
23:57You're still here.
23:59Can't you take a joke?
24:00Come to me, my lovely.
24:02Look, you get away from me.
24:04I'll scream.
24:05Go on, Chris.
24:05It's Saturday.
24:06It's your turn.
24:06Oh, yeah.
24:07Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
24:10Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
24:12Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
24:14Woo-hoo-hoo.
24:15Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
24:17Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
24:23Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
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