- 2 days ago
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FunTranscript
00:00.
00:39Oh, my God.
01:24Get rid of it.
01:25Get rid of it.
01:26Pass it.
01:27Pass it.
01:27No, no.
01:28It's on the other side of your big...
01:30Oh.
01:31£150,000 and he's playing like Long John Silver.
01:35Football, is it?
01:35No.
01:36Nothing like it.
01:36It's Southampton.
01:39Who are they playing against?
01:41Spurs.
01:41Two linesmen.
01:42A referee.
01:42I'm sure he's Bill Nickleton in disguise.
01:44A penalty rat.
01:46It must be.
01:46Yes.
01:48Watch this.
01:49Watch this.
01:49Watch the way...
01:53Chrissie, the plug.
01:55Oh, sorry.
01:56Anyway, you don't live in Southampton anymore.
01:59You should support a London club.
02:00Just because a man moves home doesn't mean to say he changes his religion.
02:02Now, come on!
02:03Come on!
02:05Oh!
02:05Ha-ha!
02:06Great!
02:09Oh.
02:10They don't move very fast, do they?
02:11That's a slow motion replay.
02:13Oh.
02:15Oh, look!
02:15All the rest of his team are raping him.
02:17Look, Chrissie, Chrissie, will you please go out and talk to Jo?
02:19Please.
02:19She's out with her boyfriend.
02:21There's a difference between natural enthusiasm and rape.
02:23That's probably what she's saying to him right now.
02:25Let go of it, let go of it.
02:26And that.
02:29He's got this flashy little sports car.
02:31The horn plays Colonel Bogey in stereo.
02:34Foul!
02:34No, that's not my taste either.
02:39See that?
02:39Look, look, look!
02:40He's nearly pulling off his shorts.
02:41Oh!
02:42Will they do a slow motion replay of that?
02:50Well, they've just pulled up in his sports car.
02:53He's helping her out.
02:55Oh!
02:56She flashed a bit of leg there.
02:57Come away, you dirty little devil!
03:01I'm just showing her neighbourly interest.
03:03Oh, yeah.
03:05Oh, hey.
03:06They're on the front doorstep now.
03:07Oh.
03:09She's turning to him.
03:10He's reaching out for her.
03:14He's shaking her hand.
03:17Of course.
03:18He's shaking her hand.
03:19Perhaps he's trying to find out if she's a mason.
03:21Come away!
03:25You'd think he'd have tried for a bit of a snog, wouldn't you?
03:29George.
03:31If you're that interested, I've just finished a chapter.
03:36What?
03:37Where Armina, the slave girl, is being oiled by the eunuchs in readiness.
03:46Oh, really?
03:48Fancy an early night?
03:51Well, I was...
03:52Yes.
03:54I was thinking we might have a sort of game of Monopoly.
03:57What do you think?
04:01Exactly.
04:06Well, what's he like?
04:08He's a gentleman.
04:09You don't often meet them these days, but David is a real gentleman.
04:13Oh, well.
04:14Can't win them all.
04:15No.
04:16You know, he took me dancing.
04:17Nothing.
04:17The real thing is seen on television.
04:19You mean Ethel is a bus driver and sewed all the sequence on by hand type dancing?
04:23Yeah.
04:23Jo, Jo, do you mind?
04:24Please, please.
04:25Oh, sorry.
04:26Then he brought me home.
04:28Shook my hand.
04:30What, before or after?
04:32No.
04:33Instead of.
04:34You mean he didn't try to...
04:36No.
04:37Well, surely he must have put...
04:38What, not even a little bit of...
04:40No.
04:40He's bent.
04:41No.
04:43He's just shy, that's all.
04:44With a cuddle bogey belter horn?
04:46Well, his mother bought him that for his birthday.
04:48Thought it might help to bring him out a bit.
04:50Jo, Jo, Jo.
04:51You know, you have a really delicious bottom.
04:53And normally I can't think of anything else I'd rather look at.
04:54But do you mind, please?
04:55Oh, all right.
04:57Are you sure he's just shy?
04:59Oh, yes.
05:00Just takes some men a while to get going, that's all.
05:03Yeah, I went out with a chap like that once.
05:05The first time, nothing.
05:06The second time, nothing.
05:08The third time, it was like King Kong meets Godzilla.
05:12Perhaps it's me.
05:14Look, maybe I'm losing my sex appeal.
05:16Oh, come on.
05:17Is this the same girl who once turned down a date with Tom Jones?
05:20Well, actually, I lied about that.
05:22Well, I know, but it showed self-confidence.
05:24Yeah, but look, tell me honestly.
05:26Am I sexy?
05:27Well, not to me, no.
05:28But then I'm not a fella.
05:30Go and ask him.
05:32Offside, Rev.
05:33Miles, offside.
05:33What's the matter with that?
05:35Come on, don't bother talking to your linesman.
05:37Ask your guide dog, you please.
05:39Stop it.
05:40What?
05:42Do you fancy me?
05:43What?
05:43Not at the moment.
05:44We're 2-1 down.
05:48Well, do you think I'm sexy?
05:50What?
05:50Do you think she's sexy?
05:53Sexy!
05:54Me!
05:54I tell you, I lust after you.
05:56Every fibre of my being craves your question.
05:58I shout out they're taking a corner.
06:01Typical.
06:01If you'd scored a goal, it'd be all over you.
06:04Well, that's it.
06:04Whatever it takes to turn a man on, I don't have it.
06:07What turns you on?
06:09Oi!
06:10Eh?
06:11Uh, being ticked on the back of my ear.
06:15Like this?
06:16Yeah, that.
06:17Yeah, that.
06:17Yeah, that.
06:19Yeah, that.
06:19Yeah, that's it.
06:20Oh.
06:22See, different things work for different people.
06:28That's the way you catch trout.
06:30Oh.
06:32Maybe he's got some trout blood in him.
06:35No, he's having you on, that's all.
06:37They've scored.
06:38He isn't, you know.
06:40Who's, who's what?
06:41Who's scored?
06:41What?
06:42Long John Silver.
06:43I told you it was good, I told you it was good.
06:44Now come on, come on, we've got five minutes to go.
06:46We can win this game.
06:47I saw the final score in the paper.
06:49I don't want to know.
06:50All right, all right.
06:50I won't even tell you when the replay is.
06:52Good, because I...
07:01I don't know.
07:05I don't know.
07:24That ought to help you are.
07:25Listen, why should I help you trap a poor innocent young fellow, eh?
07:28He's a Spurs supporter.
07:30Right.
07:31Intimate dinner for two, right?
07:32Candlelight, low music, or he'll be carried away.
07:35The way she cooks, he probably will.
07:37Yes, that is true.
07:38On the other hand, you're an expert.
07:40Oh, no, come on, be fair, Chris.
07:41I get enough, you know, cooking at the technical college.
07:43Now, be fair.
07:44If I tell you something you don't know, will you do it?
07:46I am not interested.
07:47The score was 3-3 after extra time.
07:50I failed to see, well, that's good.
07:52What?!
07:55An anchovy paste.
07:56You'll need some anchovy paste.
07:58Um...
07:59Oh, yes.
08:00Oh.
08:01Oh.
08:02Used by March the 1st, 1972.
08:06I'll put it on the list.
08:07Look, it's no good.
08:08I can't cook this far on muck.
08:11There's only one thing I can cook.
08:12It just doesn't go.
08:14Candlelight, wine, and Marmite soldiers.
08:19But...
08:20Couldn't we ask Robin again?
08:29Muck!
08:30Just a minute!
08:34Look, we've got to get that lock fixed, you know.
08:36It's all right, I'm not after you rubber duck.
08:37Pat!
08:38Pat!
08:39David is coming for dinner tonight.
08:41Listen, I'm not cooking for your boyfriends.
08:43Come on, there'd be no end to it.
08:44You're mean.
08:46And your suds are getting a bit thin, just there.
08:50You think you've got me at a psychological disadvantage, don't you?
08:53Yes.
08:53Listen, I could get you out of this bathroom just by standing up, just like that.
08:56Bluff.
08:58What?
08:59Yes.
09:02Sorry, could you pass me that...
09:04Oh, can you pass me that loofah, please?
09:09Or, to put it another way, how do you like the smell of this perfume?
09:15It's a bit...
09:15It's a bit...
09:16It's a bit powerful.
09:17If I tipped this in your bathwater, you'd smell of roses and jasmine for weeks.
09:22I see.
09:22Now, you're bluffing, aren't you, eh?
09:24Well, waste it.
09:25See if I care.
09:26I don't care if I smell of roses.
09:27Oh, I'll have it!
09:28Don't do it!
09:29Now, come on.
09:30That's me.
09:30That's blackmail.
09:31Oh, what a sneaky idea.
09:32Well done.
09:33Now, come on, girls.
09:34Let's be simple.
09:34I'll tell you what I do.
09:35Now, I'll tell you what I do.
09:36Look.
09:37Look.
09:37You know, I'll give you a couple of tips, right?
09:39And then you can say that you...
09:40Oh!
09:40I'll cook it!
09:41I'll cook it!
09:41Oh, isn't that nice?
09:44But under protest.
09:46Now, what shall I get you from the shops?
09:50Oh, hello, Mrs. Rope.
09:51Hello, dear.
09:52You wanted to pour us some wine glasses?
09:54Oh, Joe did, yes.
09:55Well, you don't get the bouquet in a jam jar, do you?
09:58And, er, I thought I might bring some cutlery up.
10:00You know, seeing it's a special occasion.
10:01Oh, that's nice.
10:02Yeah.
10:03I won it.
10:03A bingo.
10:04All in all, it only cost me 400 quid.
10:08Hey!
10:09Do you know what's up at the Osoldo tonight?
10:11Oh, yes!
10:12Oh, hang on.
10:13What was it?
10:13Oh, yeah, I remember.
10:15It's a sensitive story of the dawning relationship
10:19between a young girl and a simple farm lad.
10:23And how they keep having it away.
10:25I don't think I'll bother.
10:27Oh, I mean, if you're at a loose end,
10:29why don't you pop down and have a drink with us?
10:30It'd be nice to see a human being for a change.
10:32Oh, honest.
10:33I'm so fussy.
10:34How can you tell if wine vinegar is a good year?
10:40Look, why don't you be robbing and all?
10:42I mean, tell him it's nothing special.
10:44Just come as you are.
10:45Oh, we start naked in the bath.
10:46Oh.
10:47Well, we'll be an informal evening.
10:50Hang on, I'll ask him.
10:52All right.
10:56Hey, have you got anything on tonight?
10:58Ah, just a minute!
10:59Oh!
11:00Oh!
11:01Oh!
11:02Oh!
11:03Get off!
11:04Get off!
11:06wilderness.
11:07Oh!
11:07What is it?
11:08Oh!
11:09Oh!
11:10Oh!
11:11Oh!
11:32Oh-oh!
11:39There we are. That's coming along lovely.
11:41Roast pork peregodine, my speciality.
11:44Oh, what a lovely smell.
11:46Thank you very much.
11:47Roses and jasmine.
11:50Shut up, will you? Just remember that you're taking the credit for this meal.
11:52Only if he likes it. Do you think there's enough?
11:55What is he? A gourmet or a gannet?
11:57You have put the wine in the fridge, I suppose.
12:00Yes.
12:00Take it out. It's red.
12:02How's it going?
12:03Oh, fine, if you like bows around the stick.
12:06She knows absolutely nothing about gastronomy.
12:08Oh, yes, I do. I'm a Capricorn.
12:11What?
12:12Don't try and work it out. She's just overexcited.
12:15Look, I know, I know.
12:17I've had three bars of rage to try and get rid of the smell.
12:19My toenails have gone soft.
12:20I did offer to help.
12:21I don't want to be rubbed down by a pan scrubber, thank you.
12:23Well, pretend it's aftershave.
12:25Yeah, lots of them wear aftershave like that.
12:27They have special pubs for them.
12:28Right.
12:29That's it. Out, out, out.
12:30I can't cook in front of headclothes. Go on.
12:32Oh, I've been sorting through the records.
12:34A don of a Burt Baccarat to get him in the mood.
12:37Michel Legrand to take it a stage further.
12:39Oh, and in case he looks like getting too carried away,
12:41the Foden's Motorworks brass band.
12:44Look, do you think the light should be a bit lower?
12:47No, let the dog see the rabbit.
12:48Now, look, this is just a cosy dinner for two, you know.
12:51I'm not on the menu for afters.
12:53Of course not.
12:53Hey, do you want to buy him my perfume?
12:55I don't have to. I've been standing next to him.
12:57Right. Now, listen.
12:58The roast pork will be ready to serve in about 20 minutes, right?
13:00And with it, you'll be having baby Hungarian maras
13:03and pometre de hotel.
13:04No chips?
13:06Oh, you don't deserve it. You really don't deserve it.
13:08Come on, over here in a minute.
13:10Don't forget to tell him that the patty is homemade, right?
13:13It's not shop-board, right?
13:14Right.
13:14Oh, and the cream, it's fresh.
13:16It's not out of a packet, it's fresh.
13:17Yeah, and we made the tables and chairs ourselves.
13:19Now, come on.
13:24I'd rather have gone to the pictures.
13:26Still, you know, I suppose, you know, the ropers,
13:28they get a bit lonely and it's only sort of neighbourly
13:30that we should give them a little bit of young company.
13:32Yeah, you mean we owe them a month's rent?
13:34Yes, that's what I mean, yeah.
13:35Listen, what are we going to talk to him about?
13:37I mean, has he got any hobbies?
13:38Oh, yes, he's the foremost authority in this country
13:41on cocoa tin labels. Collect them.
13:43I think I prefer to go to the pictures.
13:46Hello, dears.
13:47How lovely to see you.
13:48Come on in.
13:50There we are.
13:51You know, George, of course.
13:53Hello.
13:53Chrissie.
13:53Avery.
13:54And Robin.
13:54Here, look, sit down.
13:56I've got to pop out to the kitchen
13:57and get us all a nice glass of sherry.
13:59Yeah, thank you.
14:01Hello.
14:02Here you go.
14:33Well, you know.
14:37I must say, you've, um...
14:40You've got a very nice, uh...
14:48Got a very nice...
14:50Oh, got a very nice budgie.
14:54Yes.
14:55Does he talk?
14:57No.
15:05We used to have a goldfish.
15:07Didn't the water keep coming through the bars?
15:15Oh.
15:18We kept him in a bowl.
15:23He didn't talk much, either.
15:35Oh, um...
15:38Yeah, I believe you...
15:40You collect coca-tin labels, eh?
15:43No.
15:49Why?
15:51Do you?
15:52No, no, no, I don't.
15:55Not a lot of people do.
15:57No.
15:59No.
16:04Ah-hum.
16:23Ah!
16:26There we are, then.
16:29There.
16:29Mr Rope will be keeping you entertained, has he?
16:32Oh, yes.
16:33Has he told you his joke, yeah?
16:35No.
16:36No?
16:37Yes, I am.
16:38It's the one about the goldfish not talking very much.
16:42Oh, I see.
16:43Very good, that one.
16:46Yeah, I see.
16:47She's wearing a very powerful scent, isn't she, that one?
16:55There is an explanation, Mr Rope, actually.
16:57Yes, I'm sure.
16:58Anybody fancy a game of Monopoly?
17:17Hello, David.
17:18Come in.
17:22Have the lights fused?
17:34There we are, and that's 150,000 francs each.
17:37I've never seen a French Monopoly set before.
17:40Oh, we bought it on our honeymoon.
17:44It was something to help pass the time.
17:47As far as I can recall, you never passed go the entire fortnight.
17:53I'll start first, because it's my game.
17:58Right, you start from there, see, where it says depart.
18:01That's French for depart.
18:04Or go.
18:06Two.
18:07One, two.
18:08Yeah, I'll buy it, I'll buy it.
18:09No, no, actually, you can't buy the community chest.
18:12Oh.
18:13He can, dear.
18:14He's built hotels on it before now.
18:18Take a card.
18:24Ali's in prison.
18:26Avant says to throw it in prison.
18:30Passes past parlor case.
18:32Depart.
18:33Near reservoirs past 20,000 francs.
18:36Yeah.
18:37Half on a second prize in a beauty contest.
18:40No, no, no, no.
18:41Actually, you go to jail.
18:43Oh, I knew it was one or the other.
18:44Oh.
18:45Six.
18:46Whereabouts did you go for your honeymoon?
18:48Would you believe Dunkirk?
18:51He's been on the retreat ever since.
18:53Give me your glasses, dear.
18:55That's it.
18:55Oh, right.
18:56She's got a big mouth, she has.
18:58You could get both hands in there and still have room to wine wall.
19:05Oh, hey.
19:06Oh, double six.
19:07I'm out of prison.
19:08Hey, you're getting the luck.
19:10Yeah.
19:1010, 11, 12.
19:11Chance.
19:14Ali's in prison.
19:16When did this happen?
19:18Hey, listen, how do you think they're getting on upstairs?
19:20Oh, it's a thin ceiling.
19:21We'll hear if there's two pinfalls or a submission.
19:23Oh, Avenue de la République.
19:25I'll buy that.
19:26Is he nice, this young man?
19:27Oh, you've seen him.
19:28What?
19:28David.
19:29What's his name?
19:30Oh.
19:30His father owns a drapery shop in the high road.
19:33What, Blumstein's Woolen's?
19:35Yeah.
19:35Oh.
19:36Blumstein's?
19:37You mean he's, er, he's Jewish?
19:40Yeah.
19:42Ham and bacon patty.
19:45Ham and bacon?
19:46Yes, it's homemade, not shop-bought.
19:49The wine.
19:49Oh, the wine.
20:00Um, do you like comfort?
20:02I don't know.
20:03I've never drunk it.
20:04Oh.
20:12Actually, I wasn't talking about the wine.
20:14It's...
20:15Oh, you've finished already.
20:16Oh, very nice.
20:18Can I pour the wine for you?
20:19Oh, thank you.
20:20It's a good job the main course is ready.
20:25I hope you like roast pork.
20:28Roast pork?
20:30Yes, there's plenty more in the oven.
20:34Oh.
20:36Help yourself to veg.
20:38Excuse me.
20:41Oy vey.
20:47Roast pork and he's Jewish.
20:49It could have been worse.
20:50You could have given him pig strotters and custard for afters.
20:52Sure.
20:53Hello, hello, hello, Joe.
20:54It's Robin.
20:55Listen, how's the meal going?
20:57Rapidly.
20:58What, you mean he's eating it?
21:00Yes, why?
21:01What's wrong with it?
21:02No, no, no, that's all right.
21:03If he's eating it, that's all right.
21:04How's the rest of it going?
21:05Has he made a pass at you yet?
21:07No, he hasn't.
21:08If you like, I'll leave the phone off the hook
21:09and shout a running commentary.
21:15Sorry, that was my flatmate.
21:18Fair enough.
21:22Seven.
21:23One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
21:26Ah, Champs-Élysées with hotel.
21:28That'll cost you 150,000 francs.
21:30I'll have to borrow the money from the bank, love.
21:33George, I've already advanced you 500,000 francs
21:37on your get-out-of-jail-free card.
21:39I see.
21:41This is a point where he usually knocks a board over.
21:43Well, it's mostly luck involved in this game.
21:46No, I disagree.
21:47No, I think there's a lot of skill involved.
21:49In fact, quite a lot of, quite a lot of, well,
21:52luck to, well, mainly luck, really.
21:56Stupid foreign game.
21:57No, we haven't finished playing yet.
21:58I think we have.
21:59Would you like another drink?
22:01No, we must be going now.
22:02It's only half past nine.
22:03Oh, as late as that.
22:06Thank you very much, girl, for a lovely evening.
22:09And I'm sorry I fell asleep a little earlier, aren't I?
22:14Oh, you're quite welcome to stay and watch him sulk, if you like.
22:17No, that's very kind of you, but thank you very much.
22:19Well, we must do this again sometime.
22:21Why?
22:23Not.
22:25Why not?
22:26We must.
22:27Yes?
22:27Good night, Mr. Roper.
22:28Good night.
22:29Good night.
22:30Good night.
22:31Oh.
22:32I've never had so much fun since I had the mumps.
22:35He cheated, you know.
22:36Listen, how can you cheat at Monopoly?
22:37He had a railway station up his sleeve.
22:40Hey, do you think we'll be interrupting anything?
22:41Oh, we'll make a bit of noise before we go in.
22:47Cough, cough.
22:48Hello?
22:50You can stop being tactful because he's gone.
22:52Oh.
22:53Well?
22:54Well what?
22:56Oh.
22:58The bulb's gone.
22:59How did it go?
22:59Did you have a wrestling match?
23:01Yes.
23:01And?
23:01He got away.
23:02Oh.
23:03Excuse me, please.
23:04Excuse me.
23:06Did he whisper sweet nothings?
23:08Oh, I don't know.
23:09I couldn't hear for his stomach rumbling.
23:11Yeah.
23:11I think I, I think I know why.
23:17Bacon and ham patty.
23:23Roast pork pulled in.
23:42Oh.
23:42boaizeim patty.
23:45HeroicKI.
23:48mail.
23:49Ho.
23:50Ho.
23:52Ho.
23:53Ho.
23:54Ho.
23:54Ho.
23:54Ho.
23:55Ho.
23:57Teng ensuring.
23:58Ho.
23:58Ho.
23:58Do agree.
23:59Ho.
24:00Ho.
24:00Ho.
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