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00:00I don't know.
00:35I don't know.
01:02Oh, it's freezing out there.
01:03My cheeks have gone all numb.
01:05It says you're right for wearing a short skirt.
01:09Oh, I'm going to get straight into a hot bath.
01:11You'll ruin your sheepskin coat.
01:13Here, hang on a minute, love.
01:15I've just finished reading that saucy book you lent me.
01:18Oh, that was quick.
01:19Oh, I'm no fool.
01:20I went straight to the pages where the corners turned down.
01:22Oh, now that was Robbie, not me.
01:24Listen, I'm just going upstairs to thaw out my hair.
01:26I read it in bed last night.
01:28Oh, it was like reading the good food guide in a health farm.
01:32Come on.
01:38Oh, that's lovely.
01:40What's it, love?
01:40Make yourself a home.
01:42Oh, do you know I haven't talked to a soul all day?
01:45What about Mr. Roper?
01:47Him?
01:48One grunt for yes, two grunts for no, and a burp when he wants his dinner.
01:5220 years, I've heard that.
01:54Well, it'll be 20 years tomorrow.
01:57Your anniversary?
01:58Oh, fantastic.
01:59You go to see a show or something?
02:01Oh, yes, we'll see a show.
02:03Crossroads followed by a YA5O.
02:06Oh, he won't even remember.
02:08Well, couldn't you try dropping subtle hints?
02:09Hum the wedding march or the anniversary walls?
02:11No, dear, he's tone deaf.
02:13He'll probably stand to attention.
02:16Oh, you know, I do envy you, young people.
02:19The life you lead.
02:20Oh, there's nothing to it.
02:21You've just got to be flat broke.
02:23Yeah, but you know, there's your boyfriends and everything.
02:25Oh, and they're only after one thing.
02:27Oh, I do envy you, young people.
02:33I hate to be a pawnbroker's sign on a night like this.
02:38Did you go to the doctors, George?
02:40Er...
02:40Yes.
02:41Did he say anything, George?
02:43Mm-hmm.
02:44No.
02:44Oh, it could be yes, yes.
02:46Right.
02:46I'll go and get your book.
02:48It's me back, you know.
02:49A wartime injury, of course.
02:51Oh, is that the time you were blown out of your bath by a buzz bomb?
02:55I mentioned it, did I?
02:56Yes, and you showed me your flannel full of shrapnel.
02:58Oh, yeah.
03:00I always reckon Hitler knew when it was bath night round our way.
03:03Didn't be ruthless, these crowds.
03:04Well, that was a long time ago.
03:06No, it hasn't changed.
03:07Bad losers, you see.
03:08You never get them celebrating the Battle of Britain Day, do you?
03:12Incidentally, I believe tomorrow's going to be quite a special day for you.
03:15Tomorrow?
03:16What, Saturday?
03:17Oh, yeah, yeah.
03:18Oh, I'm looking forward to that.
03:19Arsenal versus Chelsea.
03:20Bound to be on the telly.
03:23It's a lost cause, love.
03:24It won't remember.
03:25Oh, that's men for you.
03:26Men?
03:27I'm thinking of sending him back under the Trades Descriptions Act.
03:32Hang on.
03:33I won't remember what.
03:35Da-dum-da-dum.
03:37Da-dum-da-dum.
03:39Da-dum-da-dum-da-dum.
03:42Da-dum-da-dum.
03:42Da-dum-da-dum.
03:43Da-dum-da-dum.
03:44Yeah, all right, all right, all right.
03:45Happy birthday to who?
03:48Oh, you're Sunday.
03:49It's your wedding anniversary.
03:51Oh, yeah, yeah.
03:56Look, if you haven't got any other plans,
03:58why don't you come up and have dinner with us tomorrow night?
04:01Oh, love, we couldn't put you to that amount of trouble.
04:04No, we'd love to have you.
04:05We really would.
04:06Oh.
04:08Hmm?
04:09Yeah.
04:10Well, I'm not those two.
04:12Well, it's only for an evening.
04:14Yeah, but him and his wartime experiences.
04:16Well, you can learn to yawn with your mouth shut.
04:19Hey, have you stirred this tea?
04:20No.
04:21Oh.
04:22I just felt sorry for her.
04:2320 years of burping and grunting.
04:25It can't be much fun.
04:28Have you put sugar in this tea?
04:30No, that's why I didn't stir it.
04:34Oh.
04:35Sniffy out there.
04:36Here, grab hold of one before it drops.
04:38It's no doubt that, really.
04:40Oh, don't want to split my knackworks.
04:43Knack-hold, is it?
04:46Knack-works.
04:47Oh, one of the cockles of your heart, that will.
04:49Oh, a bit of sauerkraut on the side.
04:52Him-ho.
04:52But for the main dish, we have chicken giblets, mushrooms, asparagus, onions, bay leaves, cloves,
04:59meat sausage.
05:00Tomorrow's main dish, brand-swager-gifflugel-klein.
05:03Listen, the Ropers are never going to eat that.
05:06And a little cheerful wine, a little sweet little leaf from...
05:08The Ropers?
05:10Yeah, Chrissie's invited them up for dinner tomorrow night.
05:13You haven't, you little kidder.
05:17You haven't.
05:20No, you haven't.
05:22You have.
05:24Oh, it's their wedding anniversary.
05:25Well, I'm sorry, you'll just have to cancel it, because I'm invited France.
05:28What, all of it?
05:29Oh, France Wasserman, from the Students' Union.
05:32I thought just the four of us would have a, you know, a cosy little dinner.
05:35Well, you can make it six.
05:36Stretching that verse a bit.
05:37Oh, now, listen.
05:40What was the first thing that struck you about France?
05:43He fancies me.
05:44No, no, no, that he's German.
05:47Well, the English rose type appears to all nationalities.
05:49No, you're not quite getting the drift.
05:50What's the one thing that Mr Roper cannot stand?
05:53Mrs Roper.
05:56Germans, the Kaiser, Hitler, Doodlebugs, the V2,
05:59and worst of all, they knocked us out of the last World Cup.
06:01Oh, yeah.
06:02Listen, five forks, six people,
06:04we'll have to get the one out of the lavatory system.
06:10Would you care to translate that for me, please?
06:12Yeah.
06:13We used a fork to jam the ball cart when it was overflowing.
06:15Oh, I should have guessed, yes.
06:17And we'll have to take a long time over the soup course
06:19because we've only got teaspoons.
06:21Four.
06:21Well, four's enough.
06:22We need six.
06:23Four!
06:25I don't really think we can invite anyone
06:27with a tablecloth looking like this.
06:35Listen, you know what will happen
06:36if France and old Mr Roper
06:37sit at the same table, don't you, eh?
06:39Oh, we thrashed you, Krautspies.
06:42We'll do it again.
06:43Oh, really?
06:46Look, couldn't you ask your friend another night?
06:50No, you see, France has just passed his exams
06:51and he's going back to Germany on Sunday.
06:53Anyway, I want his opinion on my brown-spieger-geflukel claim.
06:56Well, post him a dollar for it.
06:57No, I'm sorry, you'll just have to cancel the Ropers.
07:00I can't do that.
07:01Look, we've invited...
07:02Oh, you're not putting your underpants in with a napkin.
07:05Listen, it's 20p ago, whether it's full or not.
07:09Actually, come to think of it, so...
07:15Right.
07:20BBC or ITV?
07:21Look, couldn't we tell Roper
07:24that Franz Basselman is an old Welsh name?
07:26Oh, and what are we going to do about his accent?
07:28Well, he could slip in an occasional look
07:29you are in your dental goodness.
07:30Oh, come on, Christian.
07:31Listen, have you got change for the coffee machine?
07:33Mm, two.
07:34That.
07:35Yeah.
07:36Well, I'm not going to be the one
07:37to tell the Ropers they can't come.
07:39Well, don't worry,
07:40I'll casually mention it in the pub tonight, OK?
07:42Oh, by the way, that's out of order.
07:45Oh, thank you very much.
07:48No, it's not.
07:49See?
07:50See, the coffee's coming out.
07:51Yep, and it's going right back in again.
07:53You forgot to put a cup underneath.
07:54Oh, come on, come on, come on, don't stop.
08:01Oh, well.
08:02At least it's half full.
08:03I know something you don't know.
08:07Now, let's put your washing powder in.
08:11I'll tell you something else as well.
08:13Those red underpants of yours aren't colourfast.
08:25What's happened to this tablecloth?
08:27It's gone all streaky.
08:28Oh, it's a long story involving a cheap Hong Kong underwear factory.
08:31Forget it.
08:32Listen, do you think we ought to get the Ropers a present?
08:34We could do.
08:35What's the 20th anniversary?
08:37China.
08:38Perhaps we could get them the thoughts of Chairman Mao.
08:41No, get them something useful.
08:43Set a forks, then we can borrow them for dinner tomorrow night.
08:45No, no, no, they're not coming.
08:48Now, don't worry.
08:49I shall tell them.
08:51I'll find some tactful excuse.
08:53Like what?
08:54Well, I shall just tell them the truth.
08:56That the two of you have gone down with a touch of the Black Death.
08:58Oh, charming.
08:59Coupled with the fact that all the chairs have been eaten by soldier ants.
09:02Yeah, I grant you it sounds plausible,
09:04but why don't you be really subtle and brick up the stairs?
09:06Evening all.
09:07Hello.
09:08Right, now's your chance.
09:09Right, right, I shall be firm.
09:11I've got it all worked out.
09:13What do I say?
09:14Mind if I join you?
09:15Oh, please, yes, do.
09:16Oh, thank you, dear.
09:18Here we are.
09:19Actually, that's very good, because...
09:23Chrissie's got something to say to you.
09:25Oh, I'll be allowed.
09:26Oh, is it about tomorrow night?
09:27What time do you want us?
09:29Um, well, actually, Robin's got all the details.
09:33Oh.
09:34Yes, well, it's...
09:35You see, it's like this.
09:38Have you got anything to say, Joe?
09:41No?
09:42Oh, I am looking forward to it.
09:44I've made an appointment to have my hair done.
09:46Really?
09:46Mm-hmm.
09:46And George is buying me a new dress for the occasion.
09:49He doesn't know it yet, but he is.
09:52You see, the whole point being, Mrs. Rumpa...
09:54Oh, I'm going to enjoy this so much more than last anniversary.
09:57Tea, telly, and him cutting his toenails.
10:00But, Mrs. Rumpa, there's something I've got to tell you.
10:03Yes, love?
10:04It's...
10:067.30 for eight.
10:07Oh.
10:08Oh, that's lovely.
10:10Where is George with those drinks?
10:12Oh, well done.
10:13Well, it might not be as bad as all that.
10:15I mean, maybe Franz and Mr. Rumpa,
10:17but they might get on very well together.
10:19George, it's 7.30 for eight.
10:22Oh, oh, yeah, right.
10:23Well, we'll catch crossroads, then.
10:26Oh, Miss IY5O.
10:27Oh, for heaven's sake.
10:30Do you know he hasn't taken me out to eat since we were courting?
10:33Snoke Walton Pie in a civic restaurant.
10:36Oh, yeah, well, there was a war on then, wasn't there?
10:38I mean, the government asked us specifically to refrain from gallivanting.
10:41Yeah, but not 28 years after it was all over.
10:44Oh, you were engaged during the war, then?
10:46Oh, yes, love.
10:48What with the blackout and the gas masks,
10:49I didn't quite know what I was getting.
10:52Oh, great days then, you know, the Blitz.
10:54Kraut throwing everything they had against us.
10:56One man standing between us and the jackboot of the young.
10:59One man keeping us going.
11:02I don't know how we'd have managed without Tommy Hanley.
11:05Yeah, but the Germans are our friends now, aren't they?
11:07Now, they're Nazis, a lot of them.
11:08Mind you, we thrashed them twice.
11:12Oh, we could do that again.
11:16How long would it take to break up the stairs?
12:21Arr! Simmer me giblets!
12:25You've cheered up a bit since last night.
12:27Oh, well, it might not go as bad as all that.
12:29I mean, if old Roper does open his mouth, it'll be hard, Jim lad,
12:32and I'll stiff a giblet up his mouth.
12:35Shall I open the wire?
12:36Yes, my dear.
12:37Yes, but pull, pull the cork. Don't push it.
12:40Oh, you've got no faith in me.
12:41Oh, did you get an Roper's present?
12:44Yes, I decided against a dam and studied solid gold table lighter
12:48because Woolies was too crowded.
12:50Oh, dear, the tablecloth looks worse than I thought.
12:52You should see his underpants.
12:54What did you get?
12:55Well, a little bottle of perfume for her
12:57and cufflinks for him.
12:59Bloodstones to match his eyeballs.
13:00What?
13:02Yeah, but Robin's got a really nice box,
13:04red velvet with Bond Street on.
13:05We'll shove him in that.
13:06Oh, crafty.
13:09Robin, you know that red velvet thingy
13:11you keep your wotsits in?
13:12What, when I'm playing rugby?
13:13The little box.
13:15The Bond Street.
13:16Yeah, yeah, it's in my bedroom somewhere.
13:19Yeah.
13:19Just a second.
13:20Black pepper.
13:21Look, we'll just stick those in it.
13:22It'll make them look more expensive.
13:23Yes, yes, in the minute, in the minute.
13:26Actually, do you know, that's not going to fool anybody.
13:28It's already turned my palm green.
13:29Hmm, well, I only had a couple of quid.
13:31They were the best on the barrow.
13:32Anyway, that is a box of yours.
13:34They look like nice.
13:34Hey, will you stop nibbling at my bottom of schnitchen?
13:42You are going to put a tie on, aren't you, George?
13:45I mean, after all, it is a special occasion.
13:47Well, run down to Moss Ross
13:48and hire a monkey suit, if you like.
13:50Don't cross your legs.
13:51I'll put a crease in those pants.
13:53Yeah, well, I'm putting in a few more.
13:55Oh, my back and I'll play me up, Mildred.
13:58George, there is nothing wrong with your back.
14:00And I should know, I see enough of it in bed.
14:03Just here on the side, it is.
14:05What?
14:06Oh, it roams about a bit, does it?
14:09You're a hypochondriac, George.
14:10Yeah, well, even hypochondriacs can get sick.
14:13I saw a medical programme once.
14:14Oh, well, I mean, you've only got to watch that thing
14:16and whatever it is, you've got it.
14:18I mean, if it was Percy Thrower, you'd get root rot.
14:21The doctor says there is nothing wrong with you, George.
14:24Yeah, well, if I was a private patient
14:26and he'd soon find something wrong with me.
14:27Oh.
14:28Now, have you found that nice, clean, white anki
14:30I'll buy on for you?
14:31Oh!
14:36You know the last time we met France
14:38at the students' uni and dance?
14:40Yeah?
14:41He made an improper suggestion to me.
14:43Oh, what did he say?
14:45I don't know, because it was all in German.
14:48Come on, girls, come on, girls.
14:49Look, where's the Schweetzinger Spiegel salad?
14:51Oh, straight down the corridor, second on the left.
14:53Mention my name, you'll get a good seat.
14:55Listen, have you got those cufflinks in that box yet?
14:58Listen, what cufflinks?
14:59This is supposed to be over here, not over there.
15:01Oh, it's all nosh.
15:05Nosh?
15:07Nosh?
15:09The cufflinks are on the worktop.
15:12Nosh!
15:12Look, Robin, are you going to warn the rest?
15:14You're going to warn the Ropers that France is German?
15:15Warn them?
15:16Listen, if I thought I had to warn Roper
15:19that a friend of mine is coming around tonight
15:20and he's a German, I'd call the whole thing off.
15:23Oh, good evening.
15:24Listen, a friend of mine is coming around this evening
15:26and he's a German.
15:27Eh?
15:30Ropers are here.
15:31Listen, how many cufflinks were there?
15:33Two, it's the custom.
15:35Well, I can only find one.
15:36What?
15:38Of course, I've got nothing against the Germans myself.
15:41I mean, they do you a good binocular, don't they?
15:44I'm quite sure that George won't say anything to Achilles, love.
15:48No, of course not.
15:49Well, it's not his fault, he's a crowd.
15:54Oh, France.
15:55Come here, mate.
15:57Listen, you know Joe, Chrissie,
16:00and this is Mr. and Mrs. Roper.
16:02Hi.
16:03Hi.
16:05Hello.
16:06Pleased to meet you.
16:07Look, you carry on looking for you.
16:10Excuse me, I'm just going to find the missing link.
16:13Oh, yes.
16:15Yes, uh, German, eh?
16:17Have you, um, have you seen the world at war on the telly?
16:22Yes.
16:24I thought it started well, but I didn't like the ending.
16:28Right.
16:29Uh, can we all sit down because the dinner's nearly ready?
16:31Yes, uh, Mrs. Roper.
16:32Here, go around here.
16:33France, I've put you here.
16:36Uh, Mr. Roper's far away as, um, uh, here.
16:40Of course, uh, you're too young to have been in the war, I suppose.
16:44Well, a little, yes.
16:45I wasn't born.
16:48My, my father was in the loofah.
16:50Oh, um, I'm quite sure he never bombed London or nothing more.
16:54Well, only once or twice.
16:57Was he ever over Putney on a Monday?
17:01Bath night.
17:04Well, if he was, he never mentioned it.
17:09Um, unusual design, this tablecloth.
17:12Oh, yes.
17:13Matching napkins, too.
17:16Listen, if you can't find it, you'll just have to give him one cufflink.
17:19Well, look, we can't do that.
17:20Well, look, you'll just have to keep one hand in his pocket or one hand in his back.
17:23Now, go on, take that in.
17:23Here I go.
17:25Can't find it.
17:26Oh, but it was over here on the worktop where you were chopping up all the food.
17:31Oh, you don't think you could have accidentally...
17:33Look, of course I didn't.
17:34I'm not that stupid.
17:36Come on, take that in.
17:38Of course they weren't all your Nazis.
17:40I mean, you take Rommel, for instance.
17:42He played fair.
17:43Yeah, well, he's practically on our side, really.
17:45Quite.
17:46No doubt he played secret cricket.
17:49That's his Brunsweiger geflugelplein.
17:51Mit bus muslichen.
17:53Yes, well, I thought you'd like a typical English meal.
18:01Joe, the plates, please.
18:07Listen, you don't think I could have, do you?
18:09You could.
18:13Did, um...
18:14Did you ever meet Rommel?
18:17Er, no, no.
18:19Did you?
18:20No, no, no.
18:21Well, there weren't many of the Home Guard in the Western Dessert, were there?
18:27Well, we stayed here defending our homes and our women.
18:31Mostly from the Flaming Yanks.
18:34What are you looking for?
18:36Nothing.
18:37Nothing.
18:38I think it could have been in any.
18:39Oh, God.
18:41Excuse me, but my fork's a bit bent.
18:44Oh, yes, you've got the one that's...
18:46Yes!
18:48Er, use that one.
18:49Oh, sure.
18:51Er, what is this exactly?
18:53Well, it's a German dish.
18:55Giblet and pork stew with asparagus and beans and...
19:01The occasional cufflink.
19:04Oh, you found it.
19:05Well done, well done.
19:07This is, er, this is a very old German custom, you see, er, on wedding occasions, you see, to, er...
19:13To, er, to hide the present in the food.
19:17It is?
19:18It is.
19:19I, er, it is.
19:22What a good job it wasn't a set of blankets.
19:26Right, sir.
19:27Right, and let's eat, and I'd have no more arguing about the war from you.
19:35Er, then, of course, we thrashed you in the World Cup 4-2 at Wembley.
19:42Er, you were born then, I suppose.
20:12Yes, yes, yes, I was.
20:13I've got nothing against your crap, your Germans, myself, I mean, I mean, you take Hitler, well, he had some
20:18good points, didn't he?
20:19Yes, yes, he made all the trains run on time.
20:22Yeah, then he built your altar barns.
20:23Yeah, and they had nice uniforms.
20:25Right, and he nearly put the Ruskies in their place.
20:26Yeah, and you're nothing but a bloody fascist.
20:28Yeah.
20:29What?
20:31What about a nice little toast?
20:33Happy wedding anniversary.
20:35Oh, yes, and coupled with the fact that France, passing his exams, may I be the first to call you
20:40Dr. Vasserman.
20:41Dr. Vasserman.
20:42Cheers, Dr. Vasserman.
20:59I've got this bad fact, you see, Doctor.
21:01Now, my GP says there's nothing wrong with me, but he's getting on a bit.
21:04Look, Mr. Roper, France isn't that...
21:05No, no, no, no, I don't mind.
21:07Something should be done about him.
21:09Perhaps you care to line a couch?
21:11Oh, very.
21:15Josephine, could you get some boiling hot water and some cold wet towels, freezing cold, yes, and some castor oil,
21:24and a large funnel?
21:30Maybe a small hammer?
21:32A little plaster of Paris?
21:35Do you think we ought to mention that France is a doctor of philosophy?
21:37No.
21:38Say nothing.
21:42Eh, do you think this is going to do any good?
21:45We will ask the questions.
21:48Oh, eh!
21:48I just want to ask it!
22:13Thank you very much.
22:15Thank you very much.
22:19Thank you very much.
22:21Thank you very much.
22:23Thank you very much.
22:24Thank you very much.
22:24Thank you very much.
22:24Thank you very much.
22:25Thank you very much.
22:25Thank you very much.
22:25Thank you very much.
22:27Thank you very much.
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