- 2 days ago
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00:12Oh, my God.
00:42Now, don't misunderstand me, Chrissie. I mean, I like girls. You know, they're my favourite opposite sex. I'm just saying
00:48that they are different from men.
00:49Yes, helpless feather-brained sex objects. Leave me, Arshadness.
00:53It has been proved scientifically that the woman's brain is lighter than the man's. Perhaps it gets more exercise.
00:58No, come on, listen. Where are your female mathematicians, philosophers or writers?
01:03Right. The Bronte sisters, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Jane Austen, um...
01:09Eaton and Blyton. You see, all lightweight stuff. Where's your gulag archipelago?
01:12It's at the base of your spine, isn't it? Leave her out of this.
01:16You see, and chess is the ultimate example. You see, the male mind can cope with it. It's pure applied
01:20logic.
01:21You put your queen where your king should be.
01:24Oh, good, good. Yes, you see, I'm just testing you. Just testing you. Well done. Right.
01:28Uh, off you go.
01:31Ah, you're using the Rui Lopez opening.
01:38Might be.
01:42Hello, dears.
01:43Oh, don't let me interrupt you. I'm only on the scrounge again.
01:46Certainly. Sugar tea, coffee on the appropriate shelf.
01:48Suitcase?
01:48On the appropriate wardrobe.
01:49I'll get it for you.
01:50Thank you, love.
01:51You going away?
01:52Yeah, just for the week. My sister's in Pearlie.
01:54Oh, I'm looking forward to it.
01:56Ah, ah, ah. Watch it, Bishop.
01:57Is Mr Rufford going too?
01:59No.
02:00Oh, I am looking forward to it.
02:02Well, Bishop's all right.
02:03It won't be in five moves.
02:05Is she the one with the swimming pool?
02:06Hmm. Kidney-shaped. Well, you know, he's in the meat trade, you know.
02:10It's lucky he didn't doctor cats for a living, isn't it, really?
02:15Do you know, the last time I was there, I was never out of it.
02:18I tried to persuade George to dive in once, but he wouldn't.
02:21I didn't think he could swim.
02:22He can't.
02:25I'm afraid we've only got to our best one in a tatty old thing.
02:28Oh, this tatty old thing and doing me fine, dear.
02:29That's our best one.
02:31Oh. Oh, well, thank you all the same.
02:32I would have taken me own, you see, but I can't shift it
02:35since George has varnished the floor.
02:37Bye-bye. Have a nice time.
02:38Thank you, dear Aunt Wilk.
02:39Bye-bye.
02:39Bye-bye.
02:40All right.
02:41Ah-ha.
02:44I wouldn't worry if I were you.
02:45You'll get that piece back when you change ends at half-time.
02:54I know why you're not going, you know.
02:56I mean, it's just that you don't like my sister, that's all.
02:59No, it isn't, Mildred.
03:00I can't stand her husband, either.
03:01Well, he's a show-off, fitted carpets in the coal cellar.
03:05Wine cellar, George.
03:07Ah, yeah, that's another thing, isn't it?
03:08All that palaver.
03:09Yeah, hell.
03:10Oh, yeah.
03:11PG tip 74, I think.
03:13With just a hint of co-op silver tops.
03:15Oh.
03:16Oh, I'm glad you're not coming.
03:18Yeah, well, that makes two of us.
03:19That makes four of us, George.
03:20Ethel has never forgiven you for bursting through a continental duvet.
03:25Yeah, well, I thought we had to get inside it, didn't I?
03:29They've still got feathers coming out of their warm air ducts.
03:33Oh, God.
03:35Oh, that spring.
03:37I should be glad to sit in a nice settee for a change.
03:39There's nothing wrong with that settee.
03:41It's past it, George.
03:42Yeah, well, it suits me.
03:43Yes, it would.
03:45That settee cost me 25 quid.
03:47No, George.
03:48This settee, the carpet, the cupboard, the table, our bed and the small wardrobe cost 25 quid.
03:54Hello.
03:55Sounds like your taxi.
03:57Now, plenty of clean shirts on the pulley, plenty of food in the fridge.
04:03Will you miss me?
04:05Yeah.
04:05I'll miss you as much as you'll miss me.
04:08I see.
04:10Right then, George, I shall be back in a week.
04:12Behave yourself.
04:20Bye-bye, George.
04:21Bye-bye, George.
04:23Bye-bye.
04:24There you are.
04:26Right, ta-ra.
04:27Ta-ra, then.
04:28See ya.
04:30See?
04:34It's the light in there.
04:35I can't be expected to play properly in bad light.
04:37Who's winning?
04:39Listen, Joe, chess players do not think in terms of who is winning.
04:42Of course they don't.
04:47Right, that's better.
04:48I shall now move my queen right across the board, thus.
04:52Well, that was a bit of a foolish thing to do.
04:54And why?
04:55Because it's my move.
04:56Oh, sorry.
04:58In any case, I'm going to take your queen.
05:03Do you know, this bright light here, you know, it's given me a bit of a headache.
05:08Shall we continue this some other time?
05:11Evelyn Waugh.
05:13What?
05:14Another famous woman writer, Evelyn Waugh.
05:17Oh, yes.
05:19Good morning.
05:20Oh, good morning.
05:21I just came up to see how you all are.
05:24Oh, we're all fine.
05:25Oh, good, good.
05:26Yes.
05:28How are you?
05:29Eh?
05:29All fine, fine.
05:30Good.
05:34Yeah, well, I'm glad we had that little chat.
05:36Oh, there is one other thing before I go.
05:40The lease.
05:41Oh, the lease on the flat?
05:42Yeah, yes.
05:43It's expired.
05:44Oh, sit down.
05:45Oh, well, yeah.
05:45Three weeks ago, to be exact.
05:47Oh, sorry.
05:48I completely forgot about that.
05:49Oh, well, these things happen, don't they?
05:52Expired.
05:53And I suppose you're thinking of putting up our rent, eh?
05:56Oh, no, no, no, no.
05:57Nothing like that, no.
05:58I was thinking more of asking you, if it's convenient, of course, to sort of, um, leave, as it were.
06:07That is a joke, isn't it?
06:10It's not a joke.
06:11Oh, you don't have to go immediately.
06:13No, the end of the week I do.
06:17He can't do that, can he?
06:19You're doing the right thing, George.
06:21Huh, you reckon?
06:22Of course.
06:23Now, this is the flat, right?
06:26Now, there's the bedroom, the lounge, bathroom, kitchen, and so on.
06:34Now, this isn't a scale, you understand.
06:36Oh, no.
06:38So, I bung up hardboard flats there, there, and there, and there.
06:45Now, what have I got?
06:47You've got a clean fingernail.
06:51Eh?
06:52Well, you didn't have that before.
06:54I'll buy you another pint.
06:56Now, you've got five self-contained dwelling units.
07:00Oh, yeah.
07:00Yeah, I see what you mean.
07:01Cost you 100 quid of an architect to have done that, mate?
07:04Yeah, that middle one's very self-contained, isn't it?
07:06Hasn't got a door in it.
07:09Bung one in.
07:11Fifteen quid a week, that's what they're getting down the road for dwelling units like that?
07:14Yes.
07:15Now, if we put a stove and a gas...
07:19No, I mean, they're marvellous.
07:21The point is, Jerry, I don't know how Mildred's going to take it.
07:24By the time she gets back, they're out, we're in.
07:27Fate accomplished.
07:29Oh, well.
07:29I'll get you that other half.
07:31Hey, no, it's all right.
07:31Come back to my place.
07:32I'll find out where she's hidden the scotch.
07:36Fine.
07:37Thanks very much.
07:38Bye.
07:39Well, according to the Citizens Advice Bureau,
07:42he has to give us three months' notice in writing.
07:44And even then, he has to apply for a possession order.
07:46And even then, we can appeal to the rent tribunal.
07:49And even then...
07:49So he can't do it?
07:50No.
07:51Oh, that's great.
07:53So, listen, which one of us is going to tell Roper?
07:56I will.
07:57No.
07:57Joe, I'm being serious.
08:00Which one of us is going to tell Roper?
08:01Yeah.
08:02You've got me marked down as a twit, haven't you?
08:07No.
08:07All right, then.
08:08Which of the three of us is going to tell Roper?
08:10Well, I think it'd better be one of you two,
08:12because I'll never remember it all.
08:13Yeah, you're right.
08:14First of all, the job for a man, anyway.
08:15Why?
08:16Why are you not a woman?
08:17Oh, you're quite right, too.
08:18All right, you go downstairs.
08:19You do it.
08:19I'm not doing it on my own.
08:23Yeah, she hid this in the drawer with me clean underpants.
08:28Obviously, you reckon I wasn't going to change him
08:29while she was away.
08:33Cunning cow.
08:33Yeah.
08:36I saw her do it, though.
08:39Oh, she doesn't scare me, you know.
08:41Oh, I'm the one who wears the trousers in this house.
08:43Yeah.
08:46And the underpants.
08:48In the drawer.
08:50Yeah, it's good.
08:51Yeah.
08:52Yeah, and when she comes back and finds those three gone,
08:54what can she do?
08:55Don't let's talk about that, George.
08:57Now, look, I've got half my workforce standing by to get on with it.
09:00Yeah, I know.
09:01And if you change your mind, he's not going to like it.
09:04Right.
09:05Yeah, it's just...
09:06There's just one little question, Jerry.
09:09What about the furniture?
09:12Well, it's very nice, George.
09:15Spring's sticking up my backside, but apart from that...
09:17Yeah, I know.
09:18I'm going to turn it to you upstairs.
09:19Oh, no sweat.
09:20Got a couple of fellas coming round and putting it into storage
09:22while we slap up the...
09:24If that's all, missus, it was all your idea.
09:26Yeah, it's all right.
09:27She won't be back till the end of the week.
09:28By that time, we'll have got rid of those three...
09:30Oh, hello.
09:32Hello, Mr. Robert.
09:32We've come to have a work with you.
09:34Yeah.
09:34Oh, this is a friend of mine.
09:36He's, um...
09:37He's, uh...
09:38Jerry.
09:39Ah, welcome to Britain.
09:43Oh, yeah.
09:45Watcher.
09:46Well, look, I won't beat about the bush.
09:49Thing is that I...
09:50Well, all of us, that is.
09:52What Robin is trying to say is that the position, um, more or less, is a little bit, um...
09:57Well, it's a little bit, it's, well, it's sort of, um, well, how can we put it?
10:00Well, you can't evict us without three months' notice in writing, which we can challenge.
10:04Requiring you to apply for a possession order, then we can appeal to the rent tribunal.
10:08Look, Joe, I'm trying to explain...
10:11That's right.
10:12Yeah, well, what's all that mean?
10:14It means, George, it means, uh, you're going to have to tell them.
10:17What?
10:18Well, well, you see, it's like this.
10:19I know, I know he wouldn't tell you this himself because, uh, he's that sort of fella, but...
10:24He needs it for his mother.
10:27I didn't know you had a mother.
10:29Eh?
10:30The old folks' home is doing very well by her, but, well, the fact is, frankly, she's pining away.
10:37Bit by bit.
10:38Isn't that right, George?
10:38Well...
10:39Oh, don't upset yourself, son.
10:40Don't upset yourself.
10:42Oh.
10:42Uh, one remaining wish is that she spends the last few days with her only son.
10:47That's me.
10:48Well, we didn't know about this.
10:49But isn't that flat rather large for one old lady?
10:52Oh, yeah, well...
10:53And the full-time nurse.
10:55And the full...
10:56Oh, yeah, yes, yeah.
10:57Oh, well, you should have told us.
10:58Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
11:00That would have been emotional blackmail.
11:02Yeah.
11:03You better go down and talk this over.
11:05Yeah, right, good.
11:06Yeah, well, cheerio, then.
11:08Bye-bye.
11:12We're in business.
11:14Hey, uh, Gerry, my mother's been dead 11 years.
11:18Yeah, but she has now lived her usefulness, has she?
11:23And that's what the world was still alive.
11:27She has come back.
11:54Wembley, Welsdon, West Hampstead.
11:56The price is three-bedroom flat, £45 a week, Wimbledon Common.
12:01Yeah, it's a bit of a pricey area, all those Womble Spotters.
12:04Honestly, by the time you phone up, it's too late.
12:07That one was snapped up by a typesetter on the Evening Standard.
12:10Ah, now that's very interesting.
12:12What's that?
12:12Not a day for speaking your mind.
12:14Those close to you may become impatient.
12:16Stop reading your horoscope!
12:18See, she's never wrong.
12:19Oh, this is ridiculous.
12:20Look, why can't we just stay put?
12:22Because we told Roper we'd be out by Saturday.
12:24I mean, if you want to move in with his mother.
12:26Oh, yeah, all right, all right, all right.
12:28Actually, there is one here for three to share.
12:31Any good?
12:31Well, I don't know.
12:33It's only twice as much as we can afford.
12:34Well, that's pretty good.
12:35Yeah.
12:36But, you know, these old landlies are a bunch of...
12:39Oh, good evening, madam.
12:41Um, I'm inquiring about the advertisement in the...
12:45Sorry, am I what?
12:47Suntand?
12:50Um, no, not very.
12:53Um, it's, um, it's straight.
12:56No, it's not frizzy.
12:59She wants to know if I've got frizzy hair.
13:00She wants to know if you're coloured and she's not allowed to ask.
13:03Well, hush my mouth, soul sister.
13:05I thought, why did y'all know?
13:07And no cut...
13:07She's hung up.
13:10Come on, keep looking.
13:18Suitable for three to share?
13:20Yeah, that's right.
13:21Yes, I'm...
13:21I don't want to be personal, but you're not pregnant, are you?
13:24No.
13:24Neither am I.
13:25Oh, good.
13:27Now, you see, the third one, Jo, she's using her lunch hour to eat.
13:30Shall we take turns?
13:32Well, you tell me where you'd like the flat to be, how much you can afford, we'll all have
13:35a good laugh and then get down to it.
13:38Well, we can afford about £8 a week each, at the most.
13:40Oh, I see.
13:42Hello?
13:43Um, have a look in that filing cabinet.
13:45I don't think it's going to be big enough for the three of us, is it?
13:48Yes, madam?
13:50Bevan Court, Bayswater.
13:52Flat to let.
13:54Two bedrooms.
13:56£12 a week.
13:57Oh, that's very reasonable.
13:58Yes, I'll send someone round to view at four o'clock.
14:01Yes, fine.
14:02Thank you, madam.
14:02There are only two flats here.
14:04Two?
14:04There can't be.
14:06I thought not.
14:07That one's gone.
14:09How do you feel about that place?
14:11Oh, no, it's only got one bedroom.
14:12Oh, well, hang on.
14:13Don't let's, you know, dismiss this out of hand.
14:15I mean, you know, if you and Joe are prepared to try, you know.
14:18No, we don't like that one, either.
14:20I'm afraid that's all we've got in your price range.
14:22Well, what about that phone call?
14:23Bellamy Court, Bayswater.
14:25Well, actually, I was thinking of going after that one myself.
14:28What?
14:28That's one of the reasons I got a job here.
14:30It's about the only way to get a decent flat in London.
14:41There's a houseboach here in Clapham, pretty cheap.
14:43There's no river in Clapham.
14:45Oh, that's probably why.
14:47What was that flat like you saw on Thursday?
14:49Oh, it had a flyover next to it, a railway at the back,
14:52and a flight path to Heathrow directly overhead.
14:54What was it like inside?
14:55I don't know.
14:56They couldn't have heard me ringing the doorbell.
14:59Right, you can scrub that one out in Fulham.
15:00No good.
15:01Well, I tell you, I went up the steps at the same time as this girl.
15:05We both went to press the same bell.
15:07You know, we had a good laugh in the close-up zone.
15:08Yeah.
15:08And while I was laughing, she nipped in before me and got the flat.
15:13Phil, a pint of breast, please.
15:14Oh, hello there.
15:15Hello there.
15:16See, the point is that legally, Roper can't kick us out.
15:20I mean, we are entitled to stay, aren't we?
15:23See, I mean, I feel sorry for his mother.
15:26He saw her yesterday.
15:27Told her the good news.
15:29Pardon?
15:29If you could have seen the tears of joy running down that old lady's cheeks
15:33when she heard she was coming home.
15:36Well, they talk about young people being selfish, eh?
15:39You were saying?
15:41Nothing.
15:46Three years and this is all I've got to show for it.
15:48Oh, come on, Chrissie, you've got a heart full of memories.
15:51Some golden moments of friendship to look back on.
15:54Some smiles, some tears.
15:56What?
15:57Well, I just thought a bit of gooey sentimentality might help.
15:59Shut up.
16:00Oh, fine.
16:01Oh, hello.
16:03Are you, uh, you're off then soon?
16:05I suppose, eh?
16:06Well, not until three o'clock.
16:07We couldn't get the van until then.
16:08Oh, three, fine.
16:09Oh, good.
16:10Here, are you all fixed up with some other place, are you?
16:13No, I'm going to the YMCA.
16:14I'm going to the YWCA.
16:16We tried to swap, but they wouldn't let us, were they?
16:18I'm going to stay with a girlfriend until I can find somewhere.
16:21Oh, good, good, yes.
16:22Hey, does your mother like flowers?
16:24Uh, yes, I, uh, often take her a bunch.
16:27Because we've got to leave at these as a sort of welcome.
16:29Oh, yeah, very nice.
16:31What time is she arriving?
16:33Oh, I don't know.
16:34Well, I'm not quite sure which direction she's coming from.
16:37Yeah, well, bye-bye.
16:38Bye.
16:39Bye.
16:41Well, that's it, I suppose.
16:43Not quite.
16:44We never finished this game of chess.
16:46Uh, yeah, well, I'm still considering my next move.
16:48Well, you've had a week.
16:49Well, there's no point in rushing things, is there?
16:53And when they said they were leaving flowers, well, I began to feel I was doing something mean.
16:59Well, you are, George.
17:01Yeah, I know.
17:01I don't like feeling it.
17:03Look, I've been thinking, uh, same again, Bill.
17:05Now, if we put up another partition there, that would give us six self-contained dwelling units.
17:18Granted, none of them could get to the bog.
17:22That's the price of progress.
17:24Yeah, but tell me, see, uh, Mildred's coming back tonight.
17:26Well, you can't back out of it now.
17:28No?
17:28Oh, no.
17:29I've ordered the four by two.
17:31I've got a couple of fellas going round to move the furniture.
17:33I've turned down a lucrative contract.
17:36Mendo-indo and cockfosters.
17:37Oh, yeah, all right, all right.
17:39Now, with that six...
17:40Blimey, you can't win in this place, can you?
17:43Six, this is it.
17:44Which flat is it, Bernie?
17:46Oh, I don't know exactly.
17:48Jerry said we've got to see a bloke called, uh, Roper.
17:50Oh, excuse me, Mr Roper?
17:52Oh, yes, that's the flat you want.
17:53Oh, right.
17:55Oh, well, we'll soon have this stuff out.
17:57Oh, thanks a lot, Mr Roper.
18:00Hey, you know something?
18:01You look just like that statue, the thinker.
18:04Shh!
18:05Except he was stark naked.
18:08It can be arranged.
18:09I mean, we've got half an hour before the van is due.
18:13Oh, why don't you move that one with the pointy hat over to there?
18:17Jo, Jo.
18:18In a very short time, we're all going to go our separate ways.
18:22And there's lots of things that I'm going to remember you by with affection.
18:26Oh, you're leading up to an insult, aren't you?
18:27Right, mind your own business.
18:29Well, I'm going to take the rent book down.
18:31Hey, you were right then, you know.
18:33We are all going our separate ways.
18:35We might never see each other again, you and I.
18:37True.
18:38But why should I continue to see a girl that thrashes me at chess?
18:41Ah, ah, ah, ah!
18:42Oh, good, that piece there!
18:50Oh, hello, love.
18:52Oh, you're wasting your time.
18:54You're probably down the pub.
18:56Back, um, I just came down to give you back the rent book and to say goodbye.
19:00Goodbye?
19:01Why?
19:03Because if you move that piece there, I will take it.
19:05Chrissie, will you stop patronising me?
19:07I hate girls that patronise me.
19:09More or less than girls who beat you at chess.
19:11The same.
19:13All right, then move that piece and then I will take it.
19:15Oh, good job I caught that early train.
19:18Oh, hello, dears.
19:19I'm sorry I knew nothing about this.
19:22Oh, God.
19:24What's that little bugger been up to now?
19:30Oh, Mildred?
19:34Mildred, are you...
19:36Oh, my God.
19:38See, he said he was going to bring his mother here.
19:40Well, he'll have to dig her up first, dear.
19:41She's been dead for 11 years.
19:43Are you sure?
19:44I'm sure.
19:44Perhaps he's forgotten.
19:45Oh, no, I know what he's playing at.
19:48He's been on about this for months.
19:49Split it up, get more rent.
19:51And then he waits until I go away.
19:54Ha-ha.
19:54Oh, I'll split him.
19:59Come in, George.
20:00I know you're there.
20:02I can smell the fear.
20:06Oh, so you're back early, then.
20:10That's nice.
20:12Explain.
20:12Oh, yeah, well, it was Gerry's idea, you know.
20:15Hardball petitions and all that.
20:16And, oh, you know Gerry.
20:17Oh, I know him.
20:18It was him who thought of the phrase Gerry built.
20:21Now, I am not going to have it, George.
20:23No, well, I wasn't very keen on the idea myself.
20:25Look, does this mean we can stay?
20:27If anyone is leaving, dear, it'll be him.
20:29Come along, George.
20:30We are going down to our flat to discuss this in private.
20:33Right.
20:33Hey, now, let's stay here.
20:36Ouch.
20:39So much for male superiority.
20:41Oh, well, who cares?
20:42It means we're staying.
20:43Put me down, you don't know where I've been.
20:45What's it matter?
20:46It means we don't have to move.
20:47Fantastic.
20:48You do.
20:49And I still think you should move the one with the pointed hat over to there.
20:52Oh, Jo, just for you, I'll do that little thing.
20:54There we are.
20:55All right?
20:55That gives you a checkmate.
20:57Yes, yes.
20:57Now, give us a little kiss.
20:58Ha-ha.
21:00What?
21:01Oh, she's right.
21:03You've won.
21:05But she...
21:07Yes, well, I mean, it was obvious from the start, wasn't it?
21:10I mean, the male mind is far...
21:14Will you get out of the way?
21:16Well, look, can't we discuss the matter out here or go for a walk?
21:19What's in there?
21:20Oh, er, er, nothing, Mildred.
21:24Absolutely nothing.
21:26George!
21:27Yeah, I think there's been a bit of a mistake, Mildred.
21:29It should have been the furniture upstairs.
21:31It's all right.
21:32It's only in storage.
21:32I can get it back.
21:33Don't bother, George.
21:34Eh?
21:34I never liked our furniture, anyway.
21:36Mildred?
21:37I am going to have...
21:39What?
21:39A fitted Wilton carpet, like my sister's.
21:42Yeah, well...
21:43I'm going to have a nice settee.
21:44Chesterfield is going to be in real leather.
21:46Yeah, now, look, Mildred.
21:46Oh, I'm going to have full-length curtains right down the way you have.
21:49Oh, I'm going to have a nice settee.
22:19Oh, I'm going to have a nice settee.
22:21Oh, I'm going to have a nice settee.
22:24Oh, I'm going to have a nice settee.
22:25Oh, I'm going to have a nice settee.
22:25Oh, I'm going to have a nice settee.
22:26Oh, I'm going to have a nice settee.
22:27Oh, I'm going to have a nice settee.
22:27Oh, I'm going to have a nice settee.
22:28You
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