- 2 hours ago
Season 4 Episode 20
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ms. Swann.
00:30I'm going to do for you tonight a little bit of magic.
00:37Okay, you like magic?
00:46I learned how to do that in Las Vegas.
00:49Okay, I'm going to need somebody to help me with the magic.
00:53You want to come and help me?
00:56Yeah, you. Come on. Come on.
00:59Big, wonderful.
01:06What's your name?
01:07Lindsey?
01:08Lindsey, my new best friend.
01:12Okay, we don't know each other, no?
01:14No.
01:15Okay.
01:16Now, what I'm going to do is a magic trick,
01:18and maybe if you're good, I'll tell you how I do it.
01:21Okay.
01:29Pick a card, any card.
01:36Oh, that's a good turn.
01:40Now, show everybody the card, maybe.
01:44And the camera all can see.
01:45Ooh.
01:46Ooh.
01:47It's a jackass bird.
01:48Yeah.
01:49No.
01:50Ooh.
01:51Ooh.
01:52Ooh.
01:53Ooh.
01:54Is it a jackass bird?
01:55Yeah.
01:56No.
01:57Ooh.
01:58Oh, they take a lot on me swan, you know.
02:12Okay, instead of telling you how I do the trick, we're going to play a little poker.
02:17You know how to play poker?
02:19Oh, that's too bad.
02:23What you got to play with?
02:26How about the watch?
02:28Oh, that's a nice watch.
02:31Okay, here you cut.
02:34One, two, three, four, five.
02:40Oh, too bad, I win.
02:44It's going to be a good show.
02:47Welcome to METV.
02:48Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on.
02:59METV.
03:00METV.
03:01You're so crazy.
03:06Oh, you're so crazy.
03:11Oh, you got me gone.
03:28Who are now watching METV?
03:40METV.
03:40And now it's time for American Folklore Theater.
03:46Hello, welcome to American Folklore Theater.
03:50I'm Fess Weiss.
03:51Tonight, you're going to hear the story of a long-forgotten American hero, Honey Dipper Dan.
03:57A long time ago, when our land was young, living was hard.
04:01Man had to draw his drinking water out of a well, hunt his dinner in the heart of the forest.
04:07When it came time to relieve himself, he had to do it in an outhouse.
04:11Trouble is, them outhouses would get full up, and somebody had to empty them out.
04:16Well, that somebody was Honey Dipper Dan.
04:19Honey Dipper Dan.
04:22Honey Dipper Dan.
04:25Honey Dipper Dan was 20 feet tall, and when it came to Honey Dippin', he was bettering them all.
04:31A giant of a man, strong and fit, and he wasn't afear to handling Honey Dipper Dan.
04:37Well, his Honey Dippin' ladle was the Liberty Bell, and a red wood clothespin kept out the smell.
04:45That was a mountain where billy goats played, and his big giant boots had to be specially made.
04:53Now other Honey Dippers will aid wear gloves, but not for old Dan, this is something he loved.
04:59He'd whistle as he worked, a credit to his species, ridden this country a big mounds of.
05:04Honey Dipper Dan.
05:05Honey Dipper Dan.
05:10Folks knew he was coming, you didn't have to tell him.
05:13The ground would shake, and besides, you could smell him.
05:16You'd find him an outhouse, and armed with that scoop, he'd pull off the roof and start spooning out.
05:21Honey Dipper Dan.
05:24Honey Dipper Dan.
05:27His life was a dream, and no one could spoil it till some city slicker went and thawed up the toilet.
05:32With a flush it was over, Dan's heartbroken too.
05:38What was a Honey Dippin' giant to do?
05:41He laid down his ladle and just disappeared.
05:44But old legend has it, I know this sounds weird, but late, late at night.
05:49Put your ear to the can, and if you hear a whistle, it's probably...
05:54Honey Dipper Dan.
05:55Join us next week when we sing you the story of another great American folk hero, Mississippi
06:06Maxine Padd, and how she plugged up a dam and saved a village.
06:11In the meantime, I'm Bess Weiss.
06:13Good America to ya.
06:14Hello, I'm Yasir Arasat.
06:33For many years, I've found myself in many a heated argument.
06:36But everybody takes it so seriously, and no one wants to back down.
06:42That's when, to lighten up a moment, I like to use one of Yasir Arasat's party tricks.
06:48Here's one that's lots of fun.
06:50Watch my thumb.
06:53Ooh.
06:55Ooh.
06:57Funny, yes.
06:58This has been a Yasir Arasat party trick.
07:10Morning, sweetheart.
07:11Uh-huh.
07:14Something the matter?
07:16Nothing.
07:19Are you mad at me?
07:22Okay, I'm not mad.
07:24It's just that, uh, well, last night, you know, after we did it, uh, you just, you rolled
07:30over and fell asleep.
07:33And?
07:36And I, I just, I, I'd like to have a little more cuddling.
07:39Just...
07:39Well, isn't it enough to know that you drive me wild?
07:42I mean...
07:43No, no.
07:44Sometimes I, I need a hug, too.
07:46Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
07:48Come here.
07:48Okay.
07:49Here you go.
07:50Just a little hug, a little snuggle.
07:53A little cuddle.
07:54Okay.
07:55Marco.
07:55Marco.
07:56Marco.
07:57No.
07:57Sweetheart, I know what you need.
07:59No, not sex.
07:59It's okay.
07:59Just love.
08:01What I need is a hug.
08:01You woke up Marco's little meat puppet.
08:03That's all.
08:06Just remember what we talked about, okay?
08:08Try to be a little sensitive.
08:09Well, hey, I thought I was.
08:11Oh, good job.
08:14Hello.
08:15Oh, hi.
08:16What's up?
08:18Oh, my God.
08:19Oh, okay, um, is he mad?
08:23Okay, um...
08:24Um, I just, I'll be there as soon as I can, and just, um, I'll just deal with him then.
08:29Okay, thanks.
08:31Great.
08:31Well, what was that about?
08:33I zoned.
08:34I was supposed to order a couple limousines for important clients, and they missed their flight, and Mr. Dixon is going to kill me.
08:41Oh, sweetheart, hey, you know what?
08:45It's not a big deal.
08:47You know why?
08:47Because you are a capable and intelligent woman, and you just need to go to work today and do good work and be the best you can be.
08:56Okay, are you grinding against me?
09:00Just relax, sweetheart.
09:02I'll take care of you.
09:03Everything's good.
09:03You just don't get it.
09:05What?
09:06What I need right now is just a little love and support.
09:09Well, that's what I thought I was giving you.
09:11Jeez, I mean, if I didn't love you, I'd be on the other side of the room right now, wouldn't I?
09:15I know how important her job is to you, and I want for you to be successful and fulfilled and all those things that you want to be.
09:37Stop!
09:40Sweetheart, just let me...
09:42Sweetheart, you woke up the one-eyed monster.
09:44What do you want me to do?
09:45Doesn't it make you feel good about yourself?
09:47You are a jerk, okay?
09:50It'll make you feel better, sweetheart.
09:51No, no, honey, it will make you feel better.
09:54But wouldn't it make you feel better to know that I'm feeling better?
10:00You just don't appreciate me.
10:02That's the problem.
10:02I'm trying to take your mind off of you and put it on to me.
10:07I just think you'd be a better person if you're a little less selfish.
10:11Hello?
10:13Yes, this is she.
10:16Oh, my God.
10:18Okay, um, thank you.
10:22My, uh, my father, he's okay, but he, uh, he had a heart attack.
10:29Wow.
10:31Well, that's not good.
10:33What is happening here today is unbelievable.
10:40I just, I can't do this.
10:41Okay.
10:43Could you...
10:44I just, I would really just like to be held right now.
10:48Sweetheart, of course, of course, honey.
10:51Sure.
10:52It's okay.
10:54Okay, okay, stop.
10:59Stop.
11:00Okay, right there.
11:01Okay.
11:02That's a hug.
11:03Okay.
11:04That's not...
11:05Okay.
11:05Okay.
11:06Okay, you know what?
11:07You win.
11:08You win.
11:08Really?
11:09You win.
11:10One minute till showtime, honey.
11:12Okay.
11:13Hi, yeah, it's me.
11:14Yeah, you know what?
11:15I'm not going to make it in.
11:16Could you tell Mr. Dixon?
11:18Yeah.
11:18Tell him I'm sick.
11:19But between you and me, my husband, the stud, he's going to make love to me the entire
11:25day.
11:26Okay, that's not their business, sweetheart.
11:27You know what it is?
11:28Yeah, well, we had a really rough morning, and he's so sweet.
11:30He's going to stay in and rock my world.
11:32Okay.
11:32Yeah, we're good.
11:34Yeah, like, oh, headboard banging kind of stuff.
11:37The entire day is really unrealistic.
11:39Oh, foot stomping like a horizontal liver dance kind of mania.
11:43Yeah.
11:44Oh, I don't know, maybe 34, 35 times.
11:46Oh, come on.
11:47All except for it.
11:48Okay, I'll see you.
11:49I get it.
11:50Oh, come on, monkey boy.
11:51Let's go.
11:51Oh, no, okay.
11:52Come on.
11:53Come on.
11:53Another piece of meat.
11:55Let's go.
11:55Let's go.
11:56Come on.
11:58Save your town.
11:59You're going to need it.
12:11Well, that was a disappointment.
12:18You're going to say the client's slogan, which is, mmm, McRonald's.
12:23Mmm, good slogan.
12:25Mmm, good slogan.
12:25What's the matter, honey?
12:36What's the matter, honey?
12:41Can't sleep?
12:42Oh, no.
12:42I've got fever.
12:44My nose is running.
12:46And my head is pounding.
12:48Uh-oh.
12:48Looks like the flu bug's got you.
12:51No.
12:53I think it's all that crystal meth I snorted.
12:56I'm shaking like a chihuahua in a blizzard.
12:59Well, I know what you need.
13:01More crystal meth?
13:02No, tweaker.
13:03You need to come down off that high.
13:05You need...
13:06Heroin PM, the nighttime snippling, shaking, tweaking, aching, speed freak fever so you can
13:13pass out medicine.
13:15Heroin PM, huh?
13:17Well, I thought heroin was for movie stars and rock and roll entertainers.
13:22Nonsense, honey.
13:23Everyone's fancy enough for heroin.
13:26Isn't heroin addicting?
13:28Yes.
13:30Wait a minute.
13:31This won't make me sluggish for work now, will it?
13:33Well, don't ask me.
13:35Ask heroin PM spokesperson, Keith Richards.
13:42That just slowed me down.
13:44I've been taking heroin PM for years.
13:47You know I still play the trumpet as good as I used to.
13:50Wait a minute.
13:51Aren't you the Rolling Stones guitarist?
13:54Guitarist, right.
13:55Like I said, honey, dive in.
13:58The heroin's fine.
14:01Gee, thanks, honey.
14:03Don't thank me.
14:04Think you're new, honey.
14:06Heroin PM.
14:09Thank you, heroin PM.
14:12Heroin PM.
14:13The nighttime sniffling, shaking, tweaking, aching, crying, moaning, itching, hallucinating,
14:18heart racing, blood burning, mind scrambling, speed freak fever so you can pass out medicine.
14:24Warrant.
14:24May cost career in show business.
14:25And now, another Yasser Arafat party trick.
14:34Here's another one I like to try that always makes them laugh.
14:37I call it one happy fist, sad fist.
14:51This has been a Yasser Arafat party trick.
14:53All right, boys, we're shooting a commercial here.
14:59Let's speed it up, buddy.
15:00Let's speed it up.
15:00AJ, what's the holdup?
15:02All right, sorry, sorry.
15:03We had to get the talent through hair and makeup.
15:04He's just, it's his first time acting.
15:06Well, it better be.
15:07The client wants a real guy, not some slick actor.
15:10Oh, well, this guy's definitely not slick.
15:12Great, great.
15:13You know, there's probably something I should, should tell you about him.
15:15I don't want to know anything about him.
15:18I already know.
15:19He won a contest over hundreds of millions of others.
15:21He's very smart, blah, blah, blah.
15:23Just bring him out here, all right?
15:24Go, go.
15:25Can I get a plate of hamburgers?
15:27What am I shooting?
15:27A tablecloth commercial?
15:29Come on, let's move it.
15:33Rusty.
15:37Rusty, this is our director, Pam.
15:39Pam, this is Rusty.
15:41Nice to meet you.
15:41Hello.
15:42No autographs, please.
15:45Well, Rusty, I guess you're very smart, because evidently you wrote one hell of an essay.
15:50You just said hell.
15:55Yes, yes, I did.
15:56I did.
15:56I'm sorry.
15:56We get a little crude around here sometimes.
15:58I'll watch my words.
15:59Okay.
16:00Actually, you can't watch words.
16:03That's like hearing color.
16:08That's very funny.
16:10I just made it up.
16:11Okay.
16:12Wow.
16:13I tried to warn you.
16:14Okay.
16:14All right, listen, we're going to get started, everyone.
16:16So, Rusty, why don't you have a seat right there on the table?
16:18Real casual.
16:19Yeah.
16:20What you're going to do is, you know, we're just going to roll the camera.
16:22I'm going to say action.
16:23You're going to pick up a hamburger, and you're going to look at the camera.
16:25You're just going to tell us what it is you like about hamburgers.
16:28Okay.
16:28Does that sound good?
16:29Sounds easy.
16:30Okay, great.
16:30Look right in there.
16:31Right in that camera right there.
16:32That one right there.
16:33Okay, ready?
16:34Everyone rolling.
16:35We're set.
16:36We're set.
16:37And...
16:37Hey, do you guys...
16:38Do you remember when Cindy Brady was on camera, and the light came on, and then she froze
16:42in fear and went...
16:43How about what happened to me?
16:45I'm very comfortable.
16:47I'm very comfortable.
16:49I'm very comfortable.
16:50Good to hear.
16:50Good to hear.
16:51That's good news.
16:52Okay, let's go.
16:53Rolling and action.
16:55Look at the camera.
16:55Right.
16:56Okay, Rusty, pick up the burger.
16:58Yeah.
16:58Okay.
16:59Yeah, that's very...
17:00Very casually.
17:01Just tell us what it is you like about burgers.
17:04For yourself.
17:04What do I like about burgers?
17:07Hmm.
17:08The reasons are myriad.
17:12Actually, you know what?
17:13I have a friend, and you know what he calls these hamburgers?
17:16He calls them lips and ears.
17:20That's because technically, according to the USDA, meat like this can be made of lips and
17:25ears and still be called a hamburger.
17:27Isn't that gross?
17:31Cut.
17:31Cut.
17:32Cut.
17:32It's cut there.
17:33It's cut there.
17:34Isn't that gross?
17:35That is gross.
17:36That is very gross.
17:36That's gross.
17:38Maybe it's a little too gross for the client.
17:39I don't know.
17:40We've got to change the plans here.
17:42That one's in the can, as they say.
17:44We've got that one in the can.
17:45Okay.
17:45Okay, and this one, we're going to do a different kind of thing.
17:48We're just going to have you not say your own words anymore, but you're going to say
17:51the client's slogan, which is, mmm, McRonald's.
17:56Is that good?
17:56Mmm, good slogan.
18:00That's very funny.
18:01That's very...
18:01You know what?
18:01These are very good hamburgers.
18:02Oh, I'm glad.
18:03I'll tell them you said so.
18:04Yeah, very good.
18:05Okay, can we get some more hamburgers out here, please?
18:07All right.
18:08All right.
18:08All right.
18:09This one should probably be replaced.
18:12What's your job?
18:14Props.
18:15Did you know that props is also urban slang, meaning respect?
18:20Really?
18:26Really?
18:27Yeah.
18:28I heard about it on the Wayans Brothers show.
18:31They are damn funny.
18:33I just said damn.
18:34I'm sorry.
18:35I just said damn.
18:35It's all right.
18:36You just said damn.
18:37Sorry, sorry, Bob.
18:37Sorry, Bob.
18:38All right.
18:38All right.
18:38All right, Bob.
18:39Rusty, I need to look here.
18:40I need you to concentrate.
18:41Right?
18:41And calm down.
18:42Right now.
18:42Quiet on the set.
18:45I'm sorry.
18:45Okay, good.
18:46That's good.
18:47Okay, let's go.
18:47Ready to try this?
18:48Okay, ready, ready, ready?
18:49Okay.
18:50And rolling and action.
18:52Right?
18:52Right?
18:53And you're going to give the slogan, which is, hmm, McRonald's.
19:01Hmm, McRonald's.
19:04Okay.
19:05Now take, take, now take a bite.
19:06Keep looking at the camera.
19:07Look at the camera.
19:07Take a bite.
19:08Take a bite of the hamburger.
19:09Yeah.
19:15Cut.
19:17Hmm, McRonald.
19:19Cut, no, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
19:21How was that?
19:23Rusty, I'm, I'm going to need you to eat a little bit less like a goblin.
19:30Okay.
19:31But it's going to be hard, because these are really good burgers.
19:33Yes, I'm, I'm.
19:34I don't care if they are lips and ears.
19:36My compliments to the chef.
19:37Yes, I will, I will tell them.
19:39Mm-hmm.
19:40What, what the hell am I going to do?
19:41I don't know, but that was the most hideous thing I've ever seen in my life.
19:44I, I would rather watch knee surgery.
19:47Yes, yes.
19:47All right, Rusty, Rusty, we've got to change the plans here.
19:50Okay.
19:50We're going to do a take now where you're not going to talk and you're definitely not going
19:55to eat, and you're just going to hold the burger and you're just going to smile.
20:00Okay.
20:00You're the director.
20:01Yes, I am.
20:02Can I tell you something, though?
20:05Yes, yes, Rusty, what, what is it?
20:07Yes.
20:08These are very good burgers.
20:09Yes, I'm sure they are.
20:11Okay, okay, Rusty, are you ready?
20:13Yes, I am, Ms. DeMille.
20:17Let's get a close-up on this, pick up a burger, I need you to smile into the camera.
20:21That's right.
20:22Let's just lock off on that smile.
20:24Good.
20:25Get, hold it, we need, this is it, that's the shot.
20:27That's it, just hold it.
20:28Rusty.
20:29Rusty, it's a close-up.
20:30Mmm, McDonald's.
20:47Just calm, calm, I need a break.
20:49Cut.
20:50Okay, everybody, uh, that's lunch.
20:56That's good, because I thought it would be empty.
20:59I love you so much.
21:04We're going to teach you the cable man a lesson.
21:07Get him, boys!
21:20Oh, okay, lady, I'm all done in here.
21:22Hello, lady.
21:24You, you.
21:28Purr.
21:29Okay, so now it's $19.95 for the cable, and, uh, Captain, I just need you to sign down here.
21:34Really?
21:35Well, what if I signed up here?
21:38That's cool.
21:38So long since it's on the floor.
21:40Oh, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
21:43Now that you've installed my cable, I'm going to let you in on my master plan.
21:49I have no intentions of paying for it.
21:52Now, isn't that delicious and diabolical?
21:54Well, I'm going to have to take my cable box back then.
21:58What if I rendered you cat-atonic?
22:01In one minute, my knockout gas will knock you out for about a full hour.
22:07But if we're in the same room, wouldn't that knock you out, too?
22:15You're very good at Jerry the Cable Man.
22:17And I faced some of the best.
22:20Do you really think you're the first person to ever try to get free cable?
22:23Yes!
22:24Only a criminal genius like myself can come up with such a cataclysmic idea.
22:30That's not a little secret.
22:32I know a couple other criminal geniuses that actually beat you to it.
22:35Can I get my money?
22:35You're very cocky.
22:38And I like that in a person.
22:40But you won't be so sure of yourself when I show you the fate of the last man that tried to thwart my plans.
22:47Jerry, say hello to Roy, the phone installer.
22:51I won't underestimate Roy ever again!
22:59Lady, look, last chance.
23:00Am I going to collect here or what?
23:01Well, you can collect something.
23:13Okay, okay, lady, look, look, look, look.
23:15You just went from criminal genius to about $20 whore in a minute.
23:17How dare you!
23:21Fluffy, Snowball, Tam-Tam, Scoopsy!
23:25We're going to teach you a cable man a lesson.
23:29You really want me to mess up these castles?
23:30Get him, boys!
23:46Get him, you!
23:47Get him, boys!
23:54Get up!
23:55Get up!
24:01You've won this ground, super cable man, but it's no catastrophe.
24:06You'll be back to face me when I order my first pay-per-view for free.
24:10Hello, Susie.
24:22I've got the box of Girl Scout cookies you ordered, ma'am.
24:25Oh, and now?
24:27I've got the box!
24:28I'm telling my troop leader!
24:34Bring her on.
24:36And now, the bride's grandfather, Mr. Happy Folger, will read the poem, To Love, by Emily Dickinson.
24:53Beautiful girl on a beautiful day.
24:57Thank you, Grandpa.
24:59You're welcome.
25:00Yes.
25:00Rather than read the words of someone else, I thought I'd share a few words of my own.
25:09No, Grandpa, please just read the poem.
25:12Can't an old man just share a memory?
25:14Grandpa, just the poem.
25:15Now, Tricia, I don't know your family that well, but we're being given the opportunity to hear a voice of wisdom and experience, and I think you should respect that.
25:25Thank you, Padre.
25:27Merci beaucoup.
25:31Marriage!
25:32What does that word mean?
25:35A bond of love?
25:37Yes.
25:37But in my day, marriage meant you could also stop relying on the oral skills of hairless Mexican doc boys, and finally, finally get down to some real man-woman-humping.
25:52Well, what a wonderful introduction to the poem of Emily Dickinson.
25:57Padre, there's more.
25:58Padre.
25:59All right.
26:00Yes.
26:01Now, I grew up horny.
26:03By the age of 15, I had one thing on my mind and one thing only.
26:11Stuffing my desperate bear claws into some skank's honeypot.
26:15Oh, well, thank you very much for that story, Mr. Fulger.
26:19Padre, please.
26:20Siente, siente, siente.
26:21Yes.
26:25Now, I had to settle for afternoon sessions behind the barn,
26:30spilling my teenage love spit all over faded photos of my grandmother.
26:35Whoa.
26:36Finally, I had an idea,
26:37and I walked down to the local whorehouse,
26:40and I asked for someone white and cheap.
26:43Oh.
26:44That's when I met your grandmother,
26:46and I proposed on the spot.
26:50Well, that was wonderful.
26:52Hold on, Padre, please.
26:53Aspare a day, mi amigo.
26:55All right.
26:56Yes.
26:57Yes.
26:57Now, my proposal to her was,
27:01if she gave me a freebie,
27:03I wouldn't kill her.
27:05She agreed,
27:06and I promptly buried my face
27:09into her floppy, misshapen milk jugs,
27:12and went...
27:12Yes.
27:14Oh, my God.
27:15Yes.
27:16Then I explored her sweet, sweet ass.
27:20And it rode up high like those Negro girls
27:24that I lusted as for so secretly.
27:26Sir, that is enough!
27:28And of course, finally,
27:30I couldn't get enough of a salty sauce box,
27:32so I finally took to banging her in the back door.
27:46Anyone up for a friendly game?
27:49You're a hustler.
27:50This guy don't look like no hustler to me.
27:52I ain't no hustler.
27:54Man!
28:02And now, another Yasser Arafat party trick.
28:06This is another one I like to do,
28:08but don't try this when your kids are in the room.
28:10It might scare them.
28:11This has been a Yasser Arafat party trick.
28:30Anyone up for a friendly game?
28:32Just a friendly game, huh?
28:37Sure.
28:37Just a couple of guys shooting some pool.
28:40And I suppose you're going to want to put a couple of bucks on it.
28:43Well, just to make it interesting,
28:45let's say...
28:4620 bucks.
28:47You're a hustler.
28:49Nope.
28:50Just looking to pass a couple of hours
28:51playing the game I love.
28:53Yeah, which you happen to be very good at.
28:56Hell, I'm okay.
28:57Not bad, even, but...
28:59I ain't no hustler.
29:01Fellas, I don't mean to interrupt here,
29:04but I've seen a lot of hustlers in my day,
29:07and this guy don't look like no hustler to me.
29:10And who are you?
29:11Just a fella, sitting here,
29:13having a beer,
29:14and hoping to watch a little pool
29:15before I get on with my day.
29:18Oh, she's probably working with this guy.
29:20Never seen him before in my life.
29:23And we didn't come in together.
29:25You must have noticed that.
29:26He came in three and a half minutes
29:28after I did.
29:30Five bucks.
29:34Okay, you're on.
29:35There you go.
29:36What's five bucks amongst friends?
29:38You break.
29:39Appreciate it.
29:39Ooh, not my day.
30:00Nice work.
30:14I bow to the master.
30:15Yeah, yeah.
30:16What do you say we try again?
30:18Maybe raise the stakes a little.
30:20See, I knew it.
30:20I knew you were a hustler.
30:22Nobody's as bad as you
30:23unless it's on purpose.
30:24Ouch, I'm hurt.
30:25I was trying my best.
30:27It's not my fault I'm not that good.
30:29I just love the game.
30:30Hey, I'm just an unbiased spectator here,
30:34but sure looks to me
30:35like this guy's no hustler.
30:38Hey, hey, you stay out of this.
30:3920 bucks.
30:41Just a lousy 20 bucks.
30:42All right.
30:4620 bucks.
30:50You break.
30:59Why don't you break?
31:00Why don't you break?
31:12999,999?
31:40And one million.
31:44There you go.
31:45One million big ones.
31:47I want a million bucks!
31:48You are one lucky hombre.
31:51Excuse me for a moment.
31:57Time to make my move.
31:59We've got him right where we want him.
32:02Showtime.
32:05Well, what do you say
32:08we play one more game?
32:09Five million dollars.
32:11Then I'm out of here.
32:12Are you kidding me, man?
32:13I'm fine with this.
32:14I'm done.
32:21Excuse me?
32:22That's it.
32:23You can consider me officially retired.
32:25No, no, no, no.
32:25That's not fair.
32:26I mean, you can't do this.
32:27Come on.
32:28You're Mr. Lucky.
32:29You're on a heart streak.
32:30You're on a roll.
32:30So come on.
32:30Let's do this, huh?
32:31Okay, boys.
32:33Drinks are on me
32:34for the rest of our sorry-ass lives.
32:35Hey, wait.
32:38You know,
32:39I don't know this guy
32:40and I don't have anything to gain here,
32:41but it seems to me...
32:43He got greedy.
32:49Just lost a million bucks.
32:53What have we got left?
32:54Oh.
32:56It's like about 800 million.
32:58Damn it.
33:00Can't afford to make mistakes like that.
33:02Relax, kid.
33:03There'll be other towns.
33:05Other rubes.
33:07Yeah, you're right.
33:09Come on, let's go.
33:10Wait.
33:10We shouldn't leave together.
33:12We might be back this way sometime.
33:15Wouldn't want to ruin a good thing.
33:17Give it about three and a half minutes.
33:28And now, another Yasser Arafat card trick.
33:56Try this.
33:59For fun.
34:05Very funny.
34:06I know it is very funny.
34:08This has been a Yasser Arafat card trick.
34:22Oh, Ricky, please.
34:23Now, Lucy, I'm late for rehearsal.
34:26And I already told you, no chopping for a new dress.
34:28You already spent your allowance.
34:30I know.
34:31I heard.
34:31No chopping.
34:33And I don't want you and Arafat cooking up some crazy scheme.
34:36Oh, don't worry, Ricky.
34:37We're not cooking up a scheme.
34:39Where is my bag of costumes for the big show at the club?
34:42Right over there, dear.
34:43Okay.
34:44Come on, Uncle, put on your gangster colors.
34:51G-Force is on his way over.
34:53Oh, no, Lucy.
34:54Not another drug-running scheme.
34:55Last time, Fred said he'd kill me.
34:57But this one's foolproof.
34:58Oh, that's what you said about whacking the Westies for the Bonanno family.
35:01Come on, pal.
35:02You help me out.
35:03We'll make enough money.
35:04You can get a dress, too.
35:05Well, sure could use a new dress.
35:08All right, Lucy.
35:09I'll traffic your drugs.
35:10Ha-ha!
35:10Oh, I got to put this on.
35:13Hurry up, Ethel.
35:14All right, I'm right behind you, Lucy.
35:15Coming!
35:19What up, bro?
35:20Uh, G-Force, this is my main homie, B-Flat.
35:24Well, hello, Mr. Force.
35:26Chill, sir.
35:27Yeah, whatever.
35:28Yo, where's my stash?
35:29Right over here.
35:30It's all cut and ready to go, Mr. Force.
35:32You work fast, Redblood.
35:34This is a new shipment.
35:36Have this ready for the streets in ten minutes.
35:40Oh, Lucy, there's at least a kilo of snack in here.
35:45We'll never cut all this in ten minutes.
35:47Just think of that new dress, Ethel.
35:56Hey, Lucy, I think I did a pretty good job measuring out the heroin into grand balls, huh?
36:00You're a natural, pal.
36:01How are you doing down there?
36:02Better than the people who try to shoot this junk.
36:04Ha-ha!
36:05Ha-ha!
36:06This is gonna be the easiest $2,000 we ever made, Ethel.
36:09Oh, I'll say.
36:11Ha-ha!
36:12Ha!
36:13Oh!
36:14Ah!
36:15Ah!
36:15Ha-ha!
36:16Nothing's gonna matter.
36:17Ha-ha!
36:17Ha!
36:19Ethel, hurry up down there!
36:21I'm dancing as fast as I can!
36:22Go, get there and dig that one.
36:24Okay.
36:24You're missing them, Ethel!
36:25Lucy!
36:26Come on, Lucy.
36:27Ethel, you're missing too many!
36:28Lucy!
36:29Pick it up!
36:30All right!
36:31Okay, you're gonna put an eye out, Lucy, and then it'll be quiet.
36:33Yeah!
36:35Hi, guys!
36:36Come on, Lucy!
36:37All right.
36:38Get him, get him, get him!
36:39I got him, I got him, I got him!
36:41Just by the step.
36:42All right, come on, Lucy.
36:44Batter, batter, batter!
36:45All right, all right, come on.
36:48Here we go.
36:49I need any more powder, Lucy.
36:51Oh, good!
36:52Okay, come on.
36:53You're doing good.
36:54Okay.
36:54Oh, oh, missed too.
36:55You missed too.
36:57Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
36:59Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!
37:08Oh, Lucy!
37:09Lucy, spit them out.
37:10Lucy, spit them out right now.
37:12Spit them out right now, Lucy.
37:26CFO, I told you it'd be easy.
37:28Oh, Lucy.
37:31All right, Red.
37:32Where's my stash?
37:33Start talking or the old man gets it.
37:35But G-Force, I gave you your stash.
37:37What the hell is this?
37:38What?
37:43Hi, Mom.
37:44This is great today.
37:45I'll let kids say your horse is the best.
37:48What, you been skimming off the top?
37:49I have to say something or he's going to shoot me.
37:51Oh, shut up, Fred.
37:52None of this would have happened if you weren't so cheap.
37:57Aw, darn.
37:58Now I'll have to get a black dress.
38:00Lucy, you got some splinting to do.
38:04Lucy, I thought you said your name was Red Blood.
38:06Why there is frogs in my bag?
38:10And why is Fred all tired and shoot it on the floor?
38:13You got my stash.
38:14You bring this into my home?
38:16My house is polluted.
38:18Say hello to my little friend.
38:21Well, now you've done it, Lucy.
38:26Both our husbands are dead.
38:29Oh, you're not dead, Ricky.
38:32That's right, Lucy.
38:34Fred and I are sure to teach you girls a lesson.
38:37Oh, but G-force.
38:38That's my drummer from the club.
38:41That was fun, Ricky.
38:44Have you learned anything, Lucy?
38:46Yes.
38:47Don't sell drugs for dresses.
38:49Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:50I learned my lesson, too.
38:51You can get up now, fatso.
38:53Come on, Fred.
38:55Fred.
38:55Oh, no, Ricky.
38:57I've used the wrong gun.
38:59Ay, caramba.
39:00Oh, no, Ricky.
39:02Ah, ha, ha, ha.
39:02Ha, ha, ha, ha.
39:03Ah, ha, ha, ha.
39:10Ah, wow.
39:11Hi.
39:15Bye.
39:19Bye.
39:24Bye.
39:25Bye.
39:27Bye.
39:28Bye.
39:28Bye.
39:29Bye.
39:29Time.
39:29Bye.
39:30Oh
40:00That's our show folks
40:20We'd like to thank all our mad tv fans
40:22Once again for all your love and support
40:23Good night
40:24Is there some kind of sound problem?
40:30Thank you very much and good night
40:35Yeah they seem good
40:44Go ahead
40:44Thank you very much and good night
40:48Thank you very much and good night
41:00Thank you very much and good night
41:18Mmm, good smoking.
41:43Okay, that one's in the can.
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