- 2 hours ago
Season 4 Episode 19
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:01Ladies and gentlemen, singing her number one hit, please welcome, Cher.
00:18You know I just try and try, but I can't move my face or cry.
00:28And I can't choose food, my jaw is permanently glued.
00:35This arm's so bad, yeah, who'd have thought it is?
00:39And you're so dumb at your bodies.
00:43And after all, I need new clothes.
00:47This'll pay for my seventy thousand.
00:51Do you believe that I'm still alive?
00:55I can heal something inside you see.
01:01Wheels there ever go away.
01:06Do you believe that I'm eighty-five?
01:12My face is smooth as a pear.
01:16It's the skin from my dairy hair.
01:19Oh my God!
01:27Oh my God!
01:29All right, man TV, I've still got it!
01:32Finally a show for us young people!
01:35All right, stick around for man TV!
01:37You know you're crazy!
01:45Woo-hoo!
01:46Man!
01:46Ah, come on!
01:47Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh!
01:49Come on, come on!
01:50Man!
01:51Ah, come on!
01:52Yeah, yeah, uh!
01:53Come on, come on!
01:55Man!
01:56Man!
01:58You're so...
02:00Man!
02:00Crazy!
02:01You're so crazy
02:20You drive me down
02:23You are now watching the TV
02:53Hey, this was easy
03:22Bring on some more guys
03:30I'll murder
03:31You are now
03:40You are now
03:50You are now
03:59You are now
04:09You are now
04:18Señor, nosotros me gusta ese hombre
04:22Eventúbre
04:24No me gusta la seguridad social
04:28Chalaba and ate my trippy mouse
04:33Nuestros la sala
04:35Adoraba bien
04:37Adoraba bien
04:39Adoraba bien
04:41Me gusta la seguridad social
04:48No me gusta la seguridad
04:52Archie
04:53Mira quién está aquí
04:56Tengo mucho feliz
04:59Digo
04:59Whoop-dee-doo
05:00Que el meathead está aquí
05:02Arch
05:02No estoy un meathead
05:04Tengo un meathead
05:05No, Arch
05:05No estoy un meathead
05:07No, no, Arch
05:08How the Michael
05:09Know his style and meathead
05:11Si
05:11Si
05:12Ya, Archie
05:13Mike
05:14Nuestros lanymihead
05:16No, Arch
05:17Tengo un meathead
05:18Tengo un deem
05:20Tengo un deem
05:20Tengo un deem
05:21Tengo un deem
05:22Tengo un deem
05:23Pfft, man.
05:24Archie!
05:27I probably meant they would speak
05:29and walk and take over here.
05:34Eat this with puente, man!
05:41Ah!
05:44Can you invite a question, hombre negro?
05:48Archie, this is Sammy Davis, Jr.
05:52Yes, I'm Sammy Davis, Jr.
05:54Good morning, Cool Cats.
05:56Come here to laugh at the Honkies.
05:59Edith, do you know this black man, Nick?
06:04Well, when I don't hear the first time,
06:07I'll tell him again, Honkies.
06:09Okay, listen to me in a moment, Nick.
06:12Oh, my God!
06:13Don't laugh, please!
06:16Look!
06:17Solamente que tú estás un negro
06:19y mi papi está un honky!
06:22No dice que no es posible que tú estás amigo!
06:30Okay, okay, no soy un fairy, eh?
06:33No soy un fairy, yo soy el Candyman!
06:39Ian Haberdelso
06:42Hacer el mojador
06:46Estar cubierto de un groovy lemon pie
06:49Señor Candyman, Señor Candyman-can
06:53Señor Candyman-can
06:55Porque él me tu amor
06:56Y hacer mundo mucho bueno
07:01¿Enseñar en ti, Nick?
07:04¿Enseñar en el negro?
07:08Obtengo uno ojo
07:10En el negro tengo uno
07:12¡Ninja!
07:13¡Ninja!
07:14¡Ninja!
07:14¡Ninja!
07:15¡Ninja!
07:15¡Ninja!
07:16¡Ninja!
07:17¡Ninja!
07:18¡Ninja!
07:19¡Ninja!
07:20¡Ninja!
07:21¡Ninja!
07:22¡Ninja!
07:23¡Ninja!
07:25¿Por qué me tomó mi escas長?
07:28¡Ninja!
07:28Nino.
07:29¡Ninja!
07:29¡Ninja!
07:30¡Ninja!
07:30¡Ninja!
07:33¡Ninja!
07:38¡Ninja!
07:38¡Ninja!
07:39¡Y bienvenido a Video Junkie!
07:41¡Ninja!
07:41¡Hey, Tina!
07:42¡Hey, ¿Tina!
07:43¿Has aquí para pegar algo?
07:45No sé, ¿es tú unido?
07:46¿ excited?
07:48¿Te escuchas?
07:50¡Nos sabes?!
07:51¡Has te echo en un hombre en el bar!
07:52you up like a package. Yeah, good one. I think I'm a little bigger than your packages, though.
07:58I don't know. I'm small, but I'm wiry. Like a terrier. I mean, not that terriers lift
08:05stuff. Of course, if they did, it'd be like, hey, somebody call the circus. This terrier
08:08is lifting stuff. I mean, the important thing is to lift the legs instead of the back. You
08:13know, you've got to get from down here. You know, get from up here, it's like, oh, you
08:16know, get from down here, it's like, no problem. Here, I'll show you. Oh, no, that's okay.
08:20No, I got it. I got it. Oh, cool. It's an important skill. Yeah.
08:31Can I help you with something, Jack? Nope. Just written some videos. Okay. I got my list,
08:38so I'm all set to go. All right. Let me know if you need anything. Cool.
08:50Hey. Oh, yes, sir. How can I help you? Well, I... Whoa. Sir. Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, well, I'm in charge of
09:15written videos for this party at work, and guys gave me this list, but I can't find any
09:19of the names. Okay. Well, why don't you just let me know what they are, and I'll see if
09:22I got them. Okay. Um, Adventures of Booty Man. Uh, number, number 17. Uh, You've Got
09:31Tail. And, uh, Enema of the State. This wouldn't happen to be a bachelor party, would it? Whoa.
09:42Words out. I better get more salsa. You'll find everything you need right through that curtain.
09:47All right. Cool.
10:19Wouldn't that hurt his hand?
10:30I guess after a while you get used to it, because those guys are...
10:33You know, I'm supposed to be off.
10:42Whatever.
10:42Okay, well...
10:43Go, go!
10:43Go on!
10:44Move.
10:49Hey, Jack.
10:59Hey, Tina!
11:01Hey, where'd that guy go?
11:04Well, he left for the date.
11:05You ready to rent that?
11:08Rent what?
11:10That video?
11:10Oh, no!
11:14I still, uh, gotta...
11:16Look...
11:20Here you go!
11:26All set.
11:26Got a whole lot of videos.
11:28I barely even know what they are.
11:31Teletubbies.
11:33Teletubbies.
11:34Teletubbies.
11:35That's a lot of Teletubbies.
11:36Yeah, well, you know, I love them.
11:38You know, they're always doing all that stuff.
11:40Yeah.
11:40They're good.
11:41Teletubbies.
11:42Yeah, you know, you can just put down that they're all Teletubbies, because, uh, they're
11:46all...
11:47Asiconda.
11:48Oh, how'd that get in there?
11:57That's not a Timma puppy.
11:58No way.
11:59Not even close.
12:00Well, you want me to put it back?
12:02Yeah.
12:02I mean, uh, no, uh...
12:04So you...
12:05You want Asiconda?
12:08No.
12:09I mean, I don't.
12:10I mean...
12:11But, um...
12:14Well, I already touched it, so I guess I gotta take it, right?
12:16Hey, no big problem, you know, I'll just, you know, take it, and, uh, you know, who
12:21knows?
12:22Maybe when I'm at home, I mean, not watching that at all, uh, who knows, uh, some homeless
12:27guy might come by and really need...
12:30Asiconda.
12:33And, uh, you know, he'll say, hey, you got that?
12:37And, um, I'll say, yeah, I got it right here.
12:39And he'll go, cool, and I'll go, cool, and it'll be cool.
12:44So, do you want the porno or not?
12:58Come on, guys.
13:00No clothes, right?
13:03Hey, that one's got a purse.
13:04How about you, girl?
13:06Hey, congratulations, Barney.
13:09Hey, come on.
13:12You guys are gonna miss the best part.
13:13Hey, look, they're laying down.
13:15It's gonna get racy now.
13:25I'm interviewing roommates for next year.
13:28I guess anyone will be better than Megan.
13:29Well, thanks for signing your little boy up for, uh, T-Ball there, Mrs. Larkin.
13:42We were one player short.
13:43Oh, well, he's so active, he'll be a regular Babe DiMaggio for ya, huh?
13:48But I'm so worried, what with the bats and the balls flying around, I don't want him coming
13:53home in an ambulance with a broken collarbone.
13:56Well, it's just T-Ball.
13:58I wouldn't get too worried.
13:59By the way, where is your boy?
14:02Well, you had him here with me a minute ago.
14:05Oh, there he is.
14:06He's over by the snack shack.
14:08Stop!
14:11Stop!
14:12You come out over here right now and meet your coach!
14:15Stop!
14:16Well, Stuart, where did you get that taquito?
14:27Where did you get the taquito?
14:32I found it by the dugout.
14:34Well, you can't eat that.
14:36What does Mama say about the taquito?
14:40What does Mama say about the taquito?
14:42I don't want to say.
14:43Say it!
14:44I don't want to say it!
14:44What?
14:45I don't want to say it!
14:48Taquitos go in one end and they explode out the other.
14:54That's right!
14:55No, don't you dare eat that!
14:57Oh!
14:59He's going to be cleaning out his undies for a week!
15:03Well, come on over and meet your coach!
15:08What?
15:09Hey there.
15:12How you doing there, partner?
15:14How are you?
15:14Oh!
15:14Okay, all right.
15:16Just trying to say hi.
15:17Oh!
15:17He doesn't like to be touched.
15:18He's got some spunk in him, though.
15:20That's good.
15:20That's good.
15:21You ever hit a T-ball there, Stuart?
15:24Look what I can do!
15:25Look, gee!
15:25Yes!
15:27Oh, no, no.
15:28He's so active!
15:29Yeah, he's, uh...
15:30He's...
15:30He's something.
15:33I don't know what...
15:34Stuart, uh...
15:35You ever hit a ball before?
15:36I'm not allowed to hit.
15:37Okay, well, today you're allowed to hit, Stuart.
15:39All right?
15:39And I want you to hit really hard, all right?
15:41I don't like the sounds of that.
15:44Well, Stuart...
15:45Where's your cap?
15:49Where's your Google projector?
15:54Where's your Google projector?
15:56I left it on the drinking counter.
16:00Oh.
16:01Stuart, I'll go get it.
16:03Yeah, you better go.
16:04Okay, Stuart.
16:05Hey, huh.
16:05No, over here.
16:06Stuart, over here.
16:07Look, it's just the boys now, huh?
16:08Just the men.
16:09All right, now, step up to the...
16:10I'm going to show you how to stand here.
16:11Now, let me get your...
16:12What are you doing?
16:12Okay, I want to get...
16:13You don't know how to...
16:14Stuart, I'm just going to get your...
16:16Elbows down there.
16:17I'm going to get it up.
16:17All right, Stuart.
16:18Just let me get up.
16:19All right, okay.
16:20You just...
16:21I'm going to...
16:21All right.
16:21You know what?
16:23Hands off.
16:23All right.
16:23There you go.
16:24You go for it.
16:24Go ahead and swing.
16:25I'm not going to...
16:27Swing at the ball.
16:32Stop talking in my ear.
16:38No, no.
16:39See, Stuart...
16:40What did I tell you, son?
16:41You don't know how to do it.
16:43Now, let me show you, all right?
16:44All right, son?
16:45You're going to...
16:45You're going to want to get...
16:47Okay.
16:47Stuart, listen.
16:48Square up, all right?
16:49I want you to square up
16:50and look at the ball, all right?
16:51And get mad at it, Stuart.
16:52Get mad at the ball.
16:54Go through the ball, all right?
16:55Does anything make you mad, Stuart?
16:56Does anything make you mad?
16:58Yes.
16:58What makes you mad, Stuart?
17:00The world.
17:09All right, then.
17:10Why don't you think of the world
17:14and swing at the ball.
17:16All right.
17:16Get angry and swing at the ball, Stuart.
17:19Swing at it.
17:19Get mad, Stuart.
17:20Go right through the ball.
17:21Get mad, Stuart.
17:22No, put the ball down.
17:32Now, you're playing the wrong sport
17:34with the ball.
17:36Come on, Stuart.
17:37Just put the ball over it.
17:39Stuart, put the bat down.
17:40Come on.
17:41Give me that bat so I can break
17:42your ugly head off.
17:43Oh, my God.
17:44What are you doing?
17:45He started it.
17:47Oh, what kind of
17:48T-ball team is this?
17:49Come on, Stuart.
17:50We're leaving.
17:51Look what I can do.
17:55Yeah.
17:56Yeah.
17:56And now, Snapshot Stories with Aries Spears.
18:15It was a beautiful day, and so I went to my favorite place, the roof of our studio.
18:23I go there to unwind and calm myself when the producers don't do the sketches I want.
18:28I bet a model airplane would really fly from here.
18:33I know.
18:34I'll go buy a model airplane and throw it off the roof.
18:38I know just the store to go to.
18:43Boy, that saleswoman sure was helpful.
18:47Now, it's very important when you're using glue to work in a ventilated environment.
18:54Boy, is this going to be fun.
18:57Just a dot, not a lot.
19:00I can't wait to get on that roof.
19:03It's going to be the most fun ever.
19:05Remember, always work in a ventilated environment.
19:11What a wonderful job I did.
19:13This plane is going to fly forever.
19:17Well, let's get to that roof.
19:23It's fun having a hobby.
19:25Everyone should have a hobby.
19:27I was as happy as happy could be.
19:30This is going to be the most fun ever.
19:35Now, I'll just climb this ladder and get to my favorite place.
19:40Then, I saw Mike McDonald, a cast member who I act with on the show.
19:48Maybe he wants to join in.
19:50Suddenly, I noticed something about Mike that I had never noticed before.
19:55He really didn't look happy.
19:57He's usually such a fun guy, but I guess he just wasn't into it.
20:03I told him that was okay.
20:05He could stay down here and watch my airplane fly from below.
20:09He said that would be great.
20:11And so, I went up and up.
20:15Here it goes, I said.
20:18Look at it go.
20:21You know, I learned something that day.
20:25If you're safe and careful, hobbies can be a lot of fun.
20:29Tonight, on a kind of special Felicity.
20:58Dear Sally, I can't believe it.
21:02It's already time.
21:03I'm interviewing roommates for next year.
21:05I guess anyone will be better than Megan.
21:11I gotta go.
21:12It's my first interview.
21:14Okay, bye.
21:19Hi.
21:20I'm Felicity.
21:23What's your name?
21:24Swan.
21:25Is that your first or last name?
21:29Yeah, you know, the first or last name.
21:32Yeah, okay.
21:37So, I just have a few questions, I guess, I need to ask you.
21:41Okay.
21:42I'll tell you everything, okay?
21:44He look like a man.
21:46Okay?
21:46Like a man.
21:48There.
21:48Now, can I put my clothes away?
21:50No, wait.
21:52I mean, there are a few things that I need to know about you and a few things that you need
21:56to know about me, right?
21:58Okay.
21:59Okay.
22:00Things.
22:00Yeah, okay.
22:02Like, well, what are you studying?
22:06Oh, you know everything I study, yeah.
22:09Like, um, well, what are you taking?
22:15Oh, taking?
22:16Okay, I'll tell you, I take a little bit of my seat.
22:20You're not gonna get a little cold.
22:24Oh, excuse me.
22:26Yeah.
22:27Why?
22:27What you taking?
22:28Oh, I know.
22:30You big college lady.
22:32Maybe you take a little pot.
22:34Huh?
22:36What?
22:36Yeah, yeah, little devil weed you do?
22:39Uh, no.
22:40You, you took a little tie stick maybe?
22:43Little mother one you do?
22:45No.
22:47Uh, you know, maybe we're not exactly a perfect match.
22:51Just for roommates, I mean, you know.
22:54Oh, God.
22:56Let's go.
22:57Uh, wait, this, this is my room.
23:00Yeah, you go.
23:02No, you go.
23:03This is my room.
23:04You go.
23:05You go yourself.
23:07You make me go.
23:10No.
23:11You go.
23:12No, but listen to go.
23:14No.
23:15Listen to go.
23:15You go.
23:16But listen to go.
23:17You go.
23:17No, swan go.
23:18No, wait.
23:21And then, when I turned eight, I got rid of all my rabbits.
23:24And then I started raising guinea pigs.
23:26Did you know that the proper term for guinea pig is cavey?
23:30No.
23:31Well, it is.
23:31I'm not lying.
23:33Wow.
23:34Yeah, it's cavey.
23:36Rusty, when I said, tell me a little bit about yourself, I didn't really think you were
23:39going to start from the day you were born.
23:41Which was Tuesday, April 23rd.
23:43The same day as Connie Selica.
23:45Yeah, you got it right.
23:46Yeah, you told me that.
23:47Well, you listened, and I thank you.
23:49Could I actually ask you a few more questions?
23:52Sure, go ahead.
23:52Okay, um, what kind of courses are you taking?
23:55Well, I always take a full load.
23:59I just said load.
24:00I'm sorry.
24:01I just said load.
24:02What?
24:02You just said load.
24:03Oh, my God.
24:04We just said load together.
24:06Uh-oh.
24:06We're in trouble.
24:07We're going to hell.
24:08Where's the hand basket?
24:10Wow.
24:11You know what?
24:11Um, I think I've got enough info for right now, but thank you for coming by.
24:15Okay, well, I have some questions for you.
24:17So, uno memento.
24:18Okay?
24:18Not Spanish.
24:21Um, okay.
24:22Question for you.
24:23What is the square root of pi?
24:29Are you serious?
24:30No, I'm rusty.
24:33No, what's the square root of pi?
24:36Yeah, I don't know.
24:37Nobody knows.
24:39You can't know it.
24:40It's a trick question.
24:40The number just keeps going on and on and on.
24:43Isn't that funny?
24:44It is funny.
24:45Thanks, I just made it up.
24:47Wow.
24:48See how much fun it's going to be?
24:50All right.
24:51Um, question number two.
24:53What are you doing this Friday night?
24:58Besides avoiding you?
25:02That's hilarious.
25:03That is very funny.
25:05Felicity is funny.
25:06That's what it should mean.
25:07Could you leave now?
25:07Okay.
25:10You do know that men aren't allowed to stay in the room overnight?
25:14Okay, yeah, that won't be a problem for me.
25:16My men are usually in and out in an hour.
25:18And then I ask them to leave.
25:19See what happens?
25:21Um, you don't, you don't smoke, do you?
25:26Depends who's under me, sister.
25:28I'd really rather not talk about, you know, sex and men.
25:32I just...
25:32Okay, you don't want to talk about sex and men?
25:35All righty, Katie Lang.
25:37But I think you're barking up the wrong bush, if you know what I mean.
25:40Oh, my God.
25:42Oh, it's a joke.
25:43Christmas on a cracker.
25:44You do need to lighten up, Felicity.
25:46You know what?
25:47I'm sick of hearing that.
25:48College is not so easy, all right?
25:49Okay, now I'm being yelled at by a cute co-ed.
25:52Oh, I'm so scared.
25:53I resent that.
25:54Okay, pipe down a little bit.
25:55All your pretty friends are going to come here.
25:57I don't even know who you are.
25:58You're just coming here and you're making all these rude comments.
26:00Are you even in college?
26:02Okay, and we're done.
26:05So, when can I move in?
26:06Felicity and Friends, only on the WB.
26:19Honey, what are you doing here?
26:22Happy anniversary, honey.
26:27Could you repeat that, please?
26:29I have a surprise for you.
26:31Really?
26:31Mm-hmm.
26:32Maybe I should just go lock the door.
26:34Ah, no, no, no, no, you sit down right here.
26:37Slide over.
26:41Okay, we're ready.
26:43Frank King?
26:45Anniversary, Graham.
26:47Happy anniversary.
26:48Happy anniversary.
26:49Happy anniversary.
26:51Happy anniversary.
26:52Happy, happy.
26:53Happy, happy.
26:53Happy anniversary.
26:55Happy, happy.
26:55Happy, happy.
26:56Happy anniversary.
27:00Oh, yay.
27:02Oh, thank you, honey.
27:03This is great.
27:04Oh, happy anniversary.
27:05We are very sorry.
27:08Sorry for what?
27:09You guys were great.
27:10Please, we know that's not true.
27:13Well, at least most of us do.
27:16Are you saying I didn't do it right?
27:18I didn't say that, but you just did, and gosh, I kind of agree with you.
27:22I did it exactly the way that you told me to do it.
27:25Oh, God.
27:27Look, I really, I thought it was great.
27:29Okay, no offense, but what do you know?
27:33Can I see in the hall?
27:34Can I see for just a second in the hall?
27:36Please.
27:37Excuse us.
27:39Okay, why don't you just pick an octave, and I'll meet you there.
27:42Dear God, woman, I'm doing everything I can to please you.
27:46It was fine.
27:46Fine, fine.
27:47Some of us are aiming a little higher than fine.
27:49You want to go home, don't you?
27:52Don't you?
27:52No, no, no.
27:53Two, three, four.
27:56Happy anniversary.
27:57Happy anniversary.
27:58Happy anniversary.
28:00Happy anniversary.
28:01Happy anniversary.
28:03Can I see you in the hall for a second?
28:04In the hall, now, in the hall.
28:06Go in the hall.
28:07Excuse us.
28:09Did you just say, help me?
28:10No, I didn't.
28:12No, I didn't.
28:14I said, hold me.
28:16Okay, I don't believe you.
28:17And you know who else doesn't believe you?
28:19Mr. Taser.
28:20No.
28:21Yeah, yeah.
28:23Okay, now let's do it right.
28:25Two, three, four.
28:27Happy anniversary.
28:30Happy anniversary.
28:32Is he okay?
28:33No, no, actually, he's not okay.
28:35He's not okay at all.
28:37See, he doesn't really get it.
28:38You know what I mean?
28:39He doesn't get that this is show business.
28:41You know, it's like any show business.
28:44It's like if you're a fire juggler, if you're a fire juggler, you know,
28:47occasionally, eventually, someone in the audience is going to be blinded, you know?
28:52And if you're in a circus, eventually, all the little clowns are going to get into the
28:55little car, and they're going to drive away with everything in the car.
29:00Give me one more shot.
29:05One more shot, and I promise I will blind you.
29:09But you don't have to.
29:10I'm going to blind you.
29:10Who's in?
29:11Who's in?
29:11Are you in?
29:12It's you.
29:13Come on.
29:13One more shot.
29:14Please, take a good look at this one.
29:16Yeah.
29:16You know what?
29:17You really don't have to do this.
29:17You don't talk to him.
29:22Okay, let's go.
29:23What?
29:23You're not going to be disappointed.
29:24Out of the hole.
29:24Out of the hole.
29:28Snap out of it.
29:29You said if I did the Johnson party, you would let me call my wife.
29:33Well, it looks like I changed my mind.
29:35Okay, okay.
29:36This is insane.
29:37This is...
29:38He just let me know.
29:39Look.
29:39What?
29:39Please help.
29:40I've been kidnapped by a lunatic.
29:42She is forcing me to do singing telegrams or she'll kill me.
29:45What is going on?
29:47I didn't know this when I hired them, Frank.
29:48Okay, okay, okay.
29:48I'm calling.
29:50I am calling security and ending this.
29:53The phone line is dead.
29:55What are you talking about?
29:56Frank!
29:57Okay, I'm getting you out of here.
29:59I'm getting you out of here.
30:00Get in there, Bob.
30:00Get in there.
30:01Get in there.
30:03Happy anniversary.
30:07Happy anniversary.
30:10Frank, where were you guys going?
30:12Where were you going to rush to?
30:13Huh?
30:14Okay, look, look, look.
30:15I don't know what kind of singing telegrams you are, but I think this is...
30:18This has just gone on long enough.
30:20Oh, is that what you think?
30:20You think it's gone on long enough?
30:22Hey, yeah, I think you may be right, okay?
30:24Oh, God!
30:24Oh, my God!
30:31Okay.
30:32Okay, don't panic.
30:33Don't panic.
30:34Don't panic.
30:35Just make it look like an accident.
30:36That's what I'll do.
30:37Make it look like an accident.
30:38And then it's back to Guadalajara for me.
30:43Man, am I hungry.
30:46Me gusta Taco Bell.
30:48Taco Bell.
30:49Make a break for the border.
30:50Who the hell are you?
31:01We're the Erasers.
31:02Hey, you gays can't be marching in our parade.
31:20Yeah!
31:21You want to flaunt your stuff so bad, why don't you get your own parade?
31:25Yeah!
31:26Listen, you stupid homophobe.
31:28I'm Irish and it's St. Patrick's Day.
31:30If I want to march in this parade, why can't I?
31:32Because I can't stand the sight of you.
31:35You people are sick.
31:36We're here.
31:37We're queer.
31:38Get used to it.
31:39We're here.
31:40We're queer.
31:41Get used to it.
31:42God hates gays.
31:44God hates gays.
31:46God hates gays.
31:48God hates gays.
31:49We're used to it.
31:50God hates gays.
31:51We're used to it.
31:52We're used to it.
31:53We're used to it.
31:53We're used to it.
31:54Oh, oh, oh, beep, beep.
31:56Hello, fellow humans.
31:59Who the hell are you?
32:00Sir, you're not taking an oath.
32:02You don't need to swear.
32:06What?
32:07Oh, that's just Debbie's silly sense of humor.
32:09We're the erasists.
32:11You see?
32:12The racism has been erased.
32:16We need to our schools and community centers to teach kids that it's not cool to hate someone
32:20just because they're different.
32:21Yeah, and you guys are being extremely uncool right now.
32:24Look, I don't care what you kids say.
32:26Those queers are not marching in our parade.
32:30Yeah!
32:31Listen, you ignorant piece of...
32:33Whoa!
32:34You guys are bordering on rude.
32:37Yeah, you all need to open up your ears and let the music of love inside.
32:41Yeah, and let the wax out.
32:47This one's for all you homo sapiens out there.
32:52Yeah, yeah, let's do it.
32:55Yay!
32:57We are all the same.
33:00So don't get your irish up.
33:02No one's to blame.
33:04S.A. Petty.
33:05Your mama or your daddy.
33:07Intolerance is just lame.
33:10Do you like to stay at the YMCA?
33:12You've got a brother in the IRA.
33:16Get it?
33:17They're all letters.
33:19No matter if your name is Bruce or it's Bailey, you all like to drink and to whack the shillelagh.
33:24Figuratively speaking, of course.
33:26We're all brothers, so together we must stick.
33:31We all speak the language of Cadillac.
33:34I'm bilingual, that is.
33:37Both like big parties with dancing and feasts.
33:39You both have attractions, a Catholic priest.
33:42It's not who you love.
33:43It's what, where, when, and how you love us.
33:46Who do not harass?
33:49A good gay person, be it lad or your last?
33:52If you can't hear it, if you just fear it, you can kiss my...
34:00See? I told you that joke would kill.
34:08Come on. Come on.
34:11Damn, try!
34:16Look, I didn't understand a word you kids said, but I sure did like that Irish beat.
34:22And the dancing was fabulous.
34:25What do you say we forget all of our troubles in a pint?
34:27Yeah!
34:29What do you say, guys?
34:30Should we all go to McLushardy's and have a non-alcoholic brew?
34:33Sounds good to me, but just one.
34:35After all, I'm driving.
34:40Yeah, let's go!
34:46Hey, Reggie, you coming with?
34:48Yeah, just a sec.
34:49Okay.
34:49Um, so, um...
34:52Like, what time is the next meeting?
34:53Okay, Nestor, your skates are all laced up and you're ready to go.
35:16So why don't you get out on the ice and skate around a little bit?
35:19But I don't know how to ice skate.
35:21You know how to roller skate, right?
35:23Not really.
35:24Well, it's the same thing.
35:25Go on, get out there.
35:27Give it a try.
35:28But I...
35:28You know, Nestor, when I was your age, I was the captain of my hockey team.
35:33But I...
35:33I learned that skating is easier than walking.
35:35But I...
35:36And it's a whole lot more fun.
35:37But what if I fall?
35:39That's what God gave you a butt for.
35:42Go on, Nestor.
35:43You'll be doing a figure eight in no time.
35:45Well...
35:46That's my boy.
35:47Get on out there.
35:48All right, everybody.
35:58Backwards, skate.
36:01Ow.
36:01And now, change direction.
36:06Ow.
36:07Ow.
36:07Ow.
36:11Ow.
36:15Ow.
36:16Little Nestor, little Nestor, he's a little boy.
36:20Ow.
36:30Here are the facts.
36:32One, this asteroid is heading straight for the Earth.
36:35Two, in six days, it will end all life as we know it.
36:39And three, it's 1972.
36:43Desperation Lee, it's Jimmy Quinn.
36:45A street-smart astral physicist with more moves than an earthquake.
36:50You know, baby, you kind of like a beer.
36:53It's nice when I open you up.
36:56But I love it when you're going down.
37:00It's time to I'ma get it on.
37:04What's happening?
37:05I just found out that in six days, we can kiss our asses goodbye.
37:12Jimmy, you can kiss mine goodbye right now.
37:15I'ma get it on puts the ass in Asteroid.
37:25Woo!
37:26Woo!
37:27Also starring Red Foxx as the president.
37:30Well, the fact of the matter is, there's an asteroid headed for the Earth,
37:34and it's moving faster than O.J. at the Super Bowl.
37:37Oh, asteroid on Earth.
37:39My heart.
37:40It's the big one, George.
37:41I'm going to join you, brother.
37:43I hope you let brothers in.
37:44Oh.
37:44And introducing me, Coco LaTette, as Professor Regina Cowan.
37:54Baby, why don't we give my head a steep a little to your Oval Office.
38:03I'm up for that.
38:05I'm up for that, too, you big fella.
38:08Well, all right.
38:10I'ma get it on puts the ass in disaster.
38:14And making his dramatic debut as himself, Kenny Rogers.
38:19That's the last time I came around.
38:23That's the last time I came to jail.
38:26That's the last time I played the gram.
38:30The night they shot my dog.
38:32The night they shot and dog.
38:37I'ma get it on puts the ass in kicking ass.
38:40Y'all want the Earth?
38:41How about you settle for a world of pain and sting?
38:53I'ma get it on.
38:54Rated R for righteous.
38:56Did you know that your mouth has over 10,000 taste buds?
39:07Lucky for you, we consulted every one of them.
39:10And you know what they told us?
39:11They said, we don't want this low-fat turkey.
39:14That's Rossini crapola.
39:16We want a big, fat Boston cream pie.
39:18But don't get us wrong.
39:20We don't want you to have to shop in large and lovely either.
39:22Well, now you can be nice to your taste buds with the new dinner delights from Lean Bulleam.
39:27Gorge yourself on German chocolate cake.
39:30Delight in chicken fried steak and french fries.
39:33Binge on Link's sausages and pizza.
39:35And be nice to your waistline too.
39:37Because all of these dinners are low in calories.
39:40How low?
39:41Well, zero's a pretty good number, isn't it?
39:43That's because Lean Bulleam's secret ingredient, Syrup of Epicac, won't let you hold on to any of these meals for too long.
39:50You'll be rushing to the purge pit right after the last bite.
39:53Mmm.
39:54Tastes just as good coming up as it did going down.
40:00New dinner delights.
40:01It's not just lean.
40:02It's Bulleam.
40:03And don't worry about riding teeth or collapsing esophagus.
40:06Because Lean Bulleam comes with teeth guard and throat hose.
40:09And don't worry about riding teeth.
40:39I'll wait.
40:43Okay.
40:44We want to thank you guys for watching the show tonight and every week, as we know you do and will continue to do until the day you die.
40:52And, um, are we not the foxiest cast on television?
40:54No!
40:56Thank you, guys!
41:39Make loose back at the door.
41:44And we're done.
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