- 3 hours ago
Season 3 Episode 21
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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00:00You are now watching Mav TV.
00:04Mav!
00:06Drunk driving charges?
00:08Vehicular manslaughter?
00:10Leaving the scene of an accident?
00:13Hello, I'm Lonnie Bell of Lonnie Bell Attorneys at Law.
00:17And I can get you behind the wheel of a car again.
00:20Or, maybe you're like Ray Denny.
00:23Ray had a restraining order placed against him by his wife.
00:26But I'll have him home with the family in time for Christmas.
00:30And what about Velma Stein?
00:34Velma was charged with three counts of lewd and lascivious behavior and indecent exposure.
00:40But thanks to Lonnie Bell Attorneys at Law, she'll be back renting her daycare center where she belongs.
00:47Wherever there are little people being pushed around by the big guy, Lonnie Bell Attorneys at Law will be there.
00:54But, don't take my word for it.
01:01Get in here!
01:04Lonnie Bell, you're the greatest, man.
01:06Because of you, I got my job back!
01:08Woo!
01:10Let's see how fast this son-a-bitch can go!
01:13Hang on!
01:13I'm Lonnie Bell, and I'll get you what you deserve.
01:22Menso.
01:23I'm an attorney!
01:25To the location of a Lonnie Bell legal office near you, call 1-800-555-0199.
01:31Let us push the law around for you.
01:34Let us push the law around for you.
02:04Tonight on MADtv, Darlene McBride, Stan the Java Man, Dharma, and Gumby Old Men.
02:13Who are now watching MADtv?
02:16Me!
02:16Good job!
02:28Good job!
02:29Good job!
02:30Good job!
02:31Good job!
02:32Good job!
02:33Good job!
02:34Good job!
02:35Good job!
02:36So I thank y'all.
02:37I thank y'all for showing some love.
02:39Y'all a'ight?
02:40Good job!
02:41Good job!
02:42All right, cool.
02:43Hey, you know what?
02:44Hey, first of all, let me say that it makes me feel good to be able to look out to the crowd
02:47and see everybody showing everybody else love, regardless of color, anything like that.
02:52Because, I mean, there's too much racial tension out here still, right?
02:55Too much tension.
02:56And the crazy part is even now in 1998, we find ourselves victim to racial tension.
03:04Just yesterday, I'm walking down the street.
03:06An older white lady sees me coming towards her.
03:09She clenches her pocketbook.
03:11Now I'm looking at this and I'm shocked, totally appalled.
03:15Because I could not believe she knew I was going to take the damn purse.
03:19Brother needed some change.
03:23No, but seriously, we got a great show for y'all tonight.
03:26I want y'all to stick around.
03:27And to the lady, if this is your purse, I ain't want the credit cards.
03:30I just want the cash.
03:34We got a great show.
03:35Yeah.
03:42Yeah.
03:43I'll let the people know what they watch.
03:44Yeah, of course.
03:45No, no, I'm not watching my TV.
03:46Oh, such a baby.
03:47I want my thing on camera.
03:48No, I want my thing on camera.
03:49Shh!
03:58Darlene McBride is back again with an inspiring new album, this time for Littlest fans.
04:03fans. Old engine Joe loved his fire water and on it he spent every quarter and then when he ran
04:10out of dough he thought of a scam to make some more and called it B-I-N-G-O. B-I-N-G-O. B-I-N-G-O.
04:20Those engines thought of bingo. How? Me like gambling, Kimo Sabi. Yes, it's Darlene McBride's
04:28songs for the children. A touching collection of childhood favorites. Clinton's pants are falling down, falling down, falling down. Clinton's pants are falling down. Look out, ladies. Take your rules and lock them up, lock them up, lock them up. Or the brazil, knock them up. Impeach Clinton. And that's not a fruit, that's a jail sentence. Your kids will enjoy. I know where daddy keeps his gun. Hush, little crack baby.
04:58Hey, stupid, did you know you were adopted? KKK, that's my favorite letter, and the devil's taking over.
05:05The devil's slowly taking over. Just turn on the tube. Sex and drugs and lots of bear butts and all them plastic boobs. Let's go dig up Michael Landon. He'd know what to do. All his shows had family values even though he was a Jew. Oy vey!
05:25Songs the whole family will enjoy.
05:28Mary didn't have a lamb, have a lamb, have a lamb. No, Mary didn't have a lamb. She had an abortion instead. Now the clinic where Mary went, Mary went, Mary went straight to hell. It has been sent cause someone blew it up.
05:44You know, the Lord works in mysterious ways.
05:48She went on down to Waco with a 12-gauge on her knee. Before she left, there were flames as far as she could see.
05:57Jenniferino, don't you shoot at me. Kindly shove your ATF, you ugly SOB. Sing it with me, kids.
06:07Jenniferino, don't you shoot at me. Kindly shove your ATF, you ugly SOB.
06:15I find that no matter how big you get, it's always important to keep a small mind.
06:22Are you okay? Yeah. Woo! Sorry. Sorry. What was that? Nothing. It was nothing.
06:39Wow, you just flipped out. No, I didn't flip out. I lost it for a minute. I didn't flip out. No, you flipped out.
06:46Come on, come on. You're blowing it out of proportion. Chuck, you shrieked.
06:49I did not shriek. I may have raised my voice a little bit, but I didn't shriek. Well, what's wrong?
06:54There's nothing wrong. Can you please just drop it? Let's change the subject.
06:58Yeah, I was talking about the wedding. Yeah, so? So every time I talk about the wedding, you get a little tense.
07:04Tense? What are you doing? You're going nuts. Can you please, let's change the subject. Please.
07:07You don't like to talk about the wedding. What are you talking about? I love talking about the wedding. I talk about it incessantly.
07:13People are always telling me to shut up about it. So it's okay for me to talk about the wedding?
07:18Yeah, you know, it's just we've talked about the wedding enough for one day, you know?
07:22No, we haven't. I just brought it up. I said, let's talk about the wedding. And then you started screaming.
07:27And you wet yourself.
07:31What? Jack, you wet yourself.
07:35Oh, that? Yeah, yeah, that. Jack, I think that's a pretty serious problem.
07:40Oh, wait, what? A guy wets himself once. Now we got a problem?
07:42No, it isn't just once, Jack. You wet yourself every time we start to talk about the wedding.
07:46I mean, sure, this is the first time you screamed, but yeah, you've got a problem.
07:50Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is not wetting myself.
07:53Jack, you peed your pants!
07:55Yes, yes, yes, I have. I have peed my pants, yes, but it's got nothing to do with the wedding.
08:03Okay, then why'd you wet yourself?
08:06I've got my reasons.
08:07Listen to you, you can't even admit that. You don't want to get married.
08:10Hey, hey, I want to get married. There's nothing that I want more.
08:14Okay, so it's okay for me to talk about the wedding?
08:17Yeah, sure. Go ahead.
08:19Okay, um, well, we need to talk about the invitations. We need to get those out soon.
08:23Are you sure you're okay?
08:25Go ahead.
08:26We need to finalize a list and make sure we haven't left everyone off.
08:29If we don't do this soon, we're going to miss out on the cake.
08:32Hey, hey, hey.
08:35Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
08:38Okay, I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm alright. I'm okay. Thank you. I'm okay.
08:42No, Jack, you are not okay. You want to know something? The wedding's off.
08:45Hey, sweetie, it won't happen again.
08:51I'm sorry, sir, but the other diners are complaining about you peeing on the ceiling.
08:55Oh, well, you know what? I'm pretty sure it won't happen again.
08:58And I hope you don't mind me saying this. I know it's your life and your wedding,
09:02but I think you're letting a pretty good thing slip away here.
09:04You know, can we not talk about the wedding, please?
09:06I just think that a lot of guys would kill to be in your position getting married.
09:10You know, wedding is nothing to be afraid of.
09:15As a matter of fact, it can be a lot to allay your fears.
09:19Okay?
09:20And wedding is a good thing.
09:22Okay, this is the psychic problem. You see a bright future. Just be careful.
09:38It's very remarkable.
09:40Don't work with him! Get off MADtv! Get off MADtv! No!
09:44You are now watching MADtv!
09:50MADtv!
09:53Hi there! I'm Jenna Elfman.
09:55You love me every week on the hitcom sitcom Dharma and Greg. Yay!
10:01Okay, oodles of big important people at ABC decided that since Dharma and Greg is so popular,
10:08and really the only thing that ABC has even approaching a hit.
10:13Okay, they thought then they'd spin me off into a whole night of shows.
10:17So, after you watch Dharma and Greg at 8 o'clock, get ready for a whole lot more Dharma.
10:24Hey, Greg! I'm home, Snoopy Pookie Pookie Muffins!
10:29Where have you been, Puddin' Pops? Dinner is ruined.
10:34Yeah, this is Dharma and Gregory Peck.
10:39That's one nasty-ass piece of meat, sweetie.
10:42Funny. That's what you said the first night we slept together.
10:47Wow!
10:49You were out with your old boyfriend, weren't you, Scout?
10:52Whoa! What have you been smoking?
10:55Oh, I'm so angry I could bust a move.
10:57You go, boy!
10:59Before I say anything stupid, I'm going to my mother's.
11:03I don't think you want to go without your anniversary present!
11:09Roller blades! Too cool!
11:12Happy anniversary, Funkin' Wonkin!
11:15Kiss attack! Yay!
11:18Not too shabby, huh?
11:20But the fun train makes another stop at 9 o'clock.
11:24Toot toot! All aboard!
11:25Greg, I'm going to take your mother shopping.
11:29She needs to buy a mood ring.
11:32What do you think about that, Greggie?
11:35Tap into Dharma and Gregory Hines!
11:38Greg, I can't hear you! What do you think about...
11:41Our communication skills stink!
11:44Look, I have energy, too!
11:46But, Dharma and Gregory Hines gave way to Dharma and a different Greg.
11:57Oh...
11:59Oh...
12:01Hey, Greg! Maybe tonight we could do yoga together!
12:04Whizzie-woo!
12:06Oh, damn it!
12:08Dive into Dharma and Greg Louganis!
12:14Oh, damn it!
12:16If you have to wake up early to go to work, I have you covered there, too.
12:20Let's see, there's scrambled, fried, soft-boiled...
12:24Start your day with Dharma and egg!
12:28Mmm...
12:30That...
12:32You crack me up!
12:34I killed my egg.
12:36Morning!
12:37So, I hope you enjoyed this preview of...
12:40Me, me, me!
12:42So, get ready for at least, like, five more years of...
12:46Yep! You guessed it!
12:48Me, me, me!
12:50So, remember, it's Dharma and Greg at 8.
12:53Then, it's Dharma and Gregory Peck at 8.30.
12:56Followed by Dharma and Gregory Hines at 9.
12:59Then, Dharma and Greg Louganis at 9.30.
13:03Watch Dharma and Egg weekday mornings at 8.
13:05And then, Dharma and Greg Brady afternoons at 3.
13:10And don't miss Dharma and Gregorian monks Sundays at noon.
13:14And, don't forget, Jeffrey Dahmer and Greg Saturdays at midnight.
13:23Your local educational television network is now proud to present the first show for children with attention deficit disorder.
13:28Hey! Welcome to Ritalin Room! It's your host, Mr. Mark. Remember me?
13:31Okay, don't change the channel. No, no, don't change the channel. Look here. Look up here. Look at me.
13:35Don't touch the doggy. Don't, don't touch the dog. Look at me. That's it. That's it.
13:39Okay, come on. You know what today's show is dedicated to?
13:41Numbers! Numbers, numbers, numbers!
13:42We are gonna count to ten. Are you ready? One, two, three. Where are you going? Stay out of the kitchen. Come on, come on. There's nothing happening in there.
13:54Put down the scissors. Put them down. Good, good, good, good. Okay, one, two. Okay, cartoon time.
14:00Hey! Wasn't that great? Of course it was. Cartoons. I love them, I love them. Now, we gotta do the thing we're best at, and that's we're gonna go do our art project that we've been working on for so long. Come on, come on, come on. We're gonna go over. Here we go.
14:14Okay, isn't that great? Okay, I'll tell you when you can feed the fish. I promise.
14:18Now, what I need you to do is we're gonna take the macaroni and the can and the glue and the glue. We're gonna get this finished before you go to high school. Isn't that great? Oh, look. Put the glue down. Put the glue down. Good, good, good, good, good.
14:29Good, good, good, good. Hey, you know what? That was fun. Now it's time for nap time.
14:34Okay, who's all rested? We are. Hey, song time. Here we go.
14:42Oh, I like my thumb. Okay, you know what we're gonna do now? We're gonna go check and see all the things you kids sent in.
14:48Oh, it's a cat. Look at that. Look at that. Oh, and it's a housey. Look at the wall. There goes Jerry's father. Here it is. Jerry's father.
14:56And Batman. And a horsey. And here comes a train. And this is called, I don't have any medication today. Okay, great, great, great. Come on. It's dance time.
15:06Oh, B-I-N-G-O. B-I-N-G-O. And ring around the rosy. Huckabula posy. Here we go around the mubbering bush, the mubbering bush, the mubbering bush.
15:17Okay, London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down, London. Our two minutes are up. Okay, kids. Boy, what fun. That was great. We'll see you tomorrow. Okay, you're probably gone already.
15:30Gotta hit kids.
15:34Coming up next on Mad TV.
15:37I'm awash in the horror. The horror of existence.
15:41Get well soon, Aunt Gertie. Love friend.
15:46Batter up.
15:48I didn't know the president had to smother baby ducks to get an erection.
15:53You are now watching Mad TV.
16:01And now, a Mad TV classic.
16:08Hello, Todd.
16:09Hi, Todd.
16:10So, Vicky, tell me, how was your big day last night?
16:13I picked him up. He made me pay for dinner. Then he stole my car and left me in a ditch.
16:18It was the longest relationship I've had this year. Thank you.
16:21Frank, uh, shouldn't you be at a wedding right now?
16:31As I was standing at the altar, I saw the edge of the abyss.
16:35I saw children with their eyes stitched shut.
16:38Their features sanded off.
16:40Their screams masked by a veil of brutal indifference.
16:44So I, uh, called off the wedding.
16:47Good for you. Now you'll have more time to tour with Up With People.
16:49I want my job back, please.
16:50I want my job back, please.
16:54To see you next time.
16:55I think we're going back in class, please.
16:58Starting toěl's.
17:03There's the actors Cardinals.
17:05Frank, I want to talk to you about the article you just turned in.
17:29You mean maggots devour the innocent?
17:31Yeah, good stuff. However, the assignment was weekend fun in San Francisco.
17:37Jack, you see Golden Gate Park in all its majesty. I see hundreds of shallow graves. It's my gift. It's my curse.
17:47My gift? My curse? Is that the new R.E.M. single?
17:51Excuse us, Frank. Gosh.
17:55We have got to do something about Frank. Get him to loosen up.
18:03Hey, you guys think of what I'm thinking?
18:07Surprise party!
18:08Yeah, great idea. I'll get a male stripper and a chip and dance dancer.
18:11Vicky, how is that going to help Frank?
18:14Frank who?
18:15Listen, I will get the music. Vicky, you take care of the cake. And then Todd will get the balloons. Okay?
18:22Oh, my God! Todd! Well, now who's going to get the balloons?
18:34Todd saw the killer as he died. The killer is directing his hatred towards a world in which he's trapped, reduced, objectified.
18:41Oh, come on, Frank. Todd was a rock critic. Who wasn't trying to kill him? Todd's history. The important thing is that you learn how to have some fun.
18:50Yeah, Frank. Loosen up. What are you doing tomorrow night?
18:53Well, after alphabetizing my collection of autopsy photographs, I'll be at the coroner's office weighing brains.
19:00Uh, no. Frank, you've got to work on your article.
19:04Yeah, here at the office. Tomorrow night.
19:06Yes, yes, of course.
19:07All right. But I hope this isn't some kind of ruse to throw a surprise party for me.
19:15He doesn't suspect a thing.
19:19As I smell the acrid stench of burnt bodies, the clouds rain blood and I'm awash in the horror. The horror of existence.
19:27Get well soon, Aunt Gertie. Love, Frank.
19:32Jack, don't.
19:33Huh? What?
19:34What?
19:38Oh, great. He scratched the paint. I'll have to get the whole thing redone.
19:44He's not going to stop, Jack. Not until he washes the decay and putrefaction out of this foul wasteland.
19:50But what about tough to get out stains like grass and ketchup?
19:56There's a pattern here. These killings are related.
19:58Oh, there you go again, Frank. Finding conspiracies everywhere.
20:01If I freaked out every time somebody on the staff died, I'd never get anything done.
20:05Which, uh, reminds me, now is a good time to get the cake for Ank Frey's Artie page.
20:12O-A-A-K.
20:14Can I have Mrs. Parking space?
20:15Is this parking space?
20:24Hello?
20:26Hello?
20:27Things that go bump?
20:30Excuse me, dead guy.
20:31Cool. A Jonestown reunion.
20:32Oh, no! Jack! This is terrible. This is tragic. Now I'll never get that parking space.
20:52My welcome back caught her mouse pad.
20:58There's blood and pus all over at Horshack.
21:03Oh!
21:04Hi, Mr. Appear out of the shadows and almost gonna be a coronary.
21:07This should have been done a long time ago.
21:09You see, Vicky, people like you are the first signs of the apocalypse.
21:22Shallow, smug, superficial parasites with your insufferable pop culture references
21:29that mass creatures devoid of compassion, intellect, and soul.
21:33That's why the Millennium Group has been sent to destroy you and the entire must-see TV lineup.
21:46Cue Laugh Track.
21:47Now, then I said, goodness gracious, and she said, you're telling me, and I said, I am telling you.
22:03And then she said, well, I'm not surprised.
22:05Well, geez, what'd be there?
22:07Oh, too cool. It's the shortest line.
22:10What insanely good fortune I have, cause I am jonesing for a hot, fresh cup.
22:14And I'm just finally glad they finally got down and down to that New Orleans.
22:17Oh, me too.
22:19Scott told me this story about this bar that they went to in the French Quarter.
22:23Is that what it's called, the French Quarter?
22:24Yeah, I think that's what they call it, the French Quarter.
22:26Yeah, that's what I thought.
22:27Anyways, they were in the French Quarter.
22:29Geez, this only happens when I'm in a hurry.
22:33There's gotta be another register.
22:35Try it again.
22:37Try it again.
22:39Try it again.
22:41It looks a little backed up.
22:44Well, you know, the funny thing is, that same thing happened to me down there in the golf down.
22:47Yeah, for Pete's sake.
22:49Yeah, right. You've never been to the golf.
22:51But anyway.
22:52Well, anyway, Tamina, I got to go, so I'll catch you later.
22:55Okay, bye, Dirk. See you at the covered desk!
22:58Can I help you?
22:59Yes, you certainly may. I've got one industrial size eye drops and seven bags of coffee, please.
23:03Excuse me, Sonny.
23:05What?
23:06Would you mind if I went ahead of you? I just got this one little can.
23:12One can? Sure, no problem. Go right ahead.
23:15For my cat, Smokey.
23:17Well, you got the green lights, so step right up.
23:19It's his birthday today.
23:21Well, I'm not gonna stand in your way.
23:22And I wanted to give him his favorite food.
23:25Hi, Pearl. How are you today?
23:27Oh, I'm just...
23:28Oh, that's great.
23:30Oh, jeez Louise. I didn't know the president had to smother baby ducks to get an erection.
23:36Hmm. What's wrong with this silly thing?
23:39You know, it's bad enough I'm buying over-the-counter blends at a common grocery store.
23:44Let me take a look at Lou over here.
23:46Try it again. Try it again. Try it again.
23:50Try it again. Hey, ooh. Try it again.
23:56Okay, how we doing over here? We making progress? We doing good?
23:5939 cents, Pearl.
24:01Okay, we're gonna pay now.
24:03Oh, you should see an optometrist about those eyes. Bulging eyes are a sign of a...
24:10Hyperactive thyroid. Hyperactive thyroid.
24:14Yeah, hyperactive thyroid.
24:15Thyroid.
24:16Yes, I bet.
24:1739 cents, Pearl.
24:19Okay, let me see here.
24:2125, 30, 35, 36, 37, 38.
24:33Let me see if there's another penny.
24:36Oh, 39.
24:39And I think I have a Cooper.
24:43I'm trying so very hard.
24:46No, is that salmon, Smokey?
24:50Hate salmon.
24:51I'm gonna have to see what other flavors you have, Tammany.
24:56So hold my plate in line.
24:59Okay, take your pick, ma'am. We got everything.
25:02Sea-capping's choice, mixed grill, flaked tuna with egg, anything Smokey's heart could desire.
25:07Oh, thank you.
25:08You're welcome.
25:10Let's see.
25:11Sea-bats.
25:12Yuck.
25:13No good.
25:14Let me...
25:15Try it again.
25:16Don't know how to go.
25:17Unless it's here.
25:18Here we go.
25:20Come on, Charlie.
25:21There you go, Pearl.
25:24See you tomorrow.
25:25Thank you very much.
25:28Finally.
25:29Okay.
25:30Oh, my God!
25:32Oh, my God!
25:34Oh, my God!
25:35You know what that means?
25:36You're a 10,000 customer.
25:39Yay!
25:40What about me?
25:41What about me?
25:42Speech.
25:43Speech.
25:44Oh, I'd like to thank Smokey and Cammany, of course.
25:50Here we go.
25:51You got it this time.
25:53Go nuts.
25:54Okay, try your card.
25:55Here it is.
25:56Come on, Dad.
25:57This is it.
25:58One more time.
25:59Got a good feeling about this one.
26:01Try it.
26:02This is what we do in between funny skits.
26:07No.
26:08Fat and sugar.
26:09What comedy is made of.
26:10Funny.
26:11May!
26:12You are now watching the TV.
26:17May!
26:18Coming soon to a theater near you.
26:24Hey, will you look at that?
26:26Quit peeing on my lawn, you old jerk.
26:30Jack Lemon.
26:32Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, you clay bastard!
26:36And Walter Matthau.
26:39But yeah, I oughta make you eat that snow.
26:41Kiss my flat red ass!
26:43In Gumby Old Men.
26:46You're a good for nothing pile of goo.
26:48That's what you are.
26:49I got your pile of goo right here, smuck!
26:52What are you...
26:53Yoo-hoo.
26:54Boys.
26:55Also starring Anne Margaret as the piece of clay these two geezers are gonna kill each other over.
27:01My name's Ariel.
27:02I find you both attractive, but I can only go out with one of you.
27:12She's mine!
27:14What are you talking about?
27:15Don't let him push you around like that, son!
27:18Well, what can I do, Dad?
27:20You wanna see what's up or killed and fight her to dinner?
27:23If you thought these guys were violent in live action, wait till you see what we do with them in clay.
27:28Mmm, great poke ribs.
27:30Yeah, well, speaking of poking, I was thinking you and I...
27:33I got your red hot poker right here, smuck!
27:36Oh!
27:37Oh!
27:38Oh!
27:40That's it!
27:41It's on!
27:42Comic violence hasn't been this heartwarming since the killing fields.
27:46Oh.
27:47This is fun, Max.
27:49Yeah, I'm way more fun than that Spore Crybaby John.
27:53He's about as fun as sticking your clay thing right on your...
27:57Oh, this ought to do it.
27:59Batter up!
28:00You son of a bitch!
28:03Oh!
28:04Oh!
28:05Oh!
28:06Oh!
28:07Oh!
28:08Oh!
28:09Oh!
28:10Oh!
28:11Oh!
28:12Oh!
28:13Oh!
28:14Oh!
28:15Oh!
28:16Oh!
28:17Oh!
28:18Oh!
28:19Oh!
28:20Oh!
28:21Oh!
28:22This movie's more fun than a barrel full of monkeys being slowly crushed to death as painfully as
28:27possible.
28:28Now, now, now, now, wait a second now.
28:30Before we kill each other, think.
28:32Arielle said she'd only go out with one of us.
28:36So what?
28:39Ah.
28:48Looking good!
28:51Arielle!
28:52Oh!
28:53Oh!
28:54Ah!
28:55Ah!
28:56Are you all right?
28:57Oh!
28:58Oh!
28:59Ah!
29:00What's the matter with you, Rock?
29:01But Dad!
29:02Don't you youngsters know how to knock?!
29:04Oh!
29:05Oh!
29:06Oh!
29:07Oh!
29:08Oh!
29:09Oh!
29:10Oh!
29:11Oh!
29:12Oh!
29:13Oh!
29:14Oh!
29:15Now hold tight. I'm going to do some injection molding.
29:18I'm going to wet your throwing wheel.
29:20I'm going to cash use your clay.
29:22I'm going to tear your car up.
29:24So don't miss these two old geezers kicking the living clay out of each other in Gumby Old Men.
29:33Our friend is a friend with incredible power.
29:38Our friend, our friend.
29:45Power friend.
29:49What is it, kids?
29:50We need your help.
29:53That's what power friends are for.
29:54The Skyway Bridge. It's collapsing.
29:56What?
29:57Yeah, there's a bus with 37 little kids on it, and they're going to die right now unless you do something right now.
30:01Come on, power friend.
30:03Hmm, 37 kids. Sounds tempting.
30:07Tempting?
30:07Don't give me that look. You two know my situation.
30:11I was given three chances to use my superpowers.
30:13Once those three chances are gone, I will no longer be...
30:18Power friend.
30:19Power friend.
30:21He was given three chances for power.
30:24For power.
30:26Power friend.
30:28And once they use up, they'll have no more.
30:31So he's really careful about how he uses them.
30:34Which makes sense.
30:36You probably do the same thing.
30:38That you work in.
30:40And it is.
30:42Power friend.
30:44Power friend.
30:47Anyway, like I was saying, I've been given three chances to use my superpowers.
30:52And I've already used two.
30:53Now, you want me to go save these 37 kids on a bus.
30:56Well, what happens if tomorrow there's a bus on the same bridge with 137 kids?
31:01Yeah, but 137 kids wouldn't fit on a bus.
31:05Look, I'm trying to make a point here, okay?
31:07So what, you're just going to let them die?
31:08Boy, I don't remember how I wasted the first one.
31:12Meet a bunch of the guys who were out having, you know, some social drinks.
31:15Power friend.
31:17And we wanted one more round.
31:19But the bartender said, nope, too late, bar's closed.
31:21Power man, you have already told us this story.
31:23So I use my powers like an idiot to turn time back 15 minutes so we can buy another round of drinks.
31:29I mean, the killer part of it was those guys were already so drunk, they didn't even realize what I'd done.
31:33Plus, they ended up having to buy the round.
31:35No, we really don't have time for this.
31:37The way I blew that second one was even worse.
31:40There was this chick I really had the hots for.
31:42You know, so we go out rock climbing.
31:43It was her idea, believe me.
31:45And she loses her footing.
31:46I know, and she starts to fall.
31:47And she starts to fall, so I fly down and catch her right before she bashes her brains out.
31:52Cut to, a week later, she's engaged to some other guy.
31:55Like a VCR repairman or something.
31:57Power friend, you have to do something.
31:59About?
32:00About the kids on the bus.
32:02Okay, either you two are not listening or you're having a little trouble doing that, man.
32:06I've been given three chances to use my superpowers.
32:09I've already used two.
32:10That leaves me with one more.
32:12What?
32:12You don't think I'd like to redo my kitchen?
32:14You do need to redo the kitchen.
32:15Guys, kids are dying!
32:17Yeah!
32:18So whatever I use this third power for has got to be big.
32:22I mean, real, real big.
32:24Come on, Doris.
32:24We've got to get out somewhere else.
32:2537.
32:26Thanks, anyway.
32:27Okay, kids.
32:29Remember, if anything really, really big happens, you can always count on power friend.
32:34What did I do with that?
32:38Remote.
32:42Our friend, he was a friend with incredible power, but he doesn't have you left, because
32:52he still has three chances for power.
32:54Which is too bad, because if he hadn't, he would have been really powerful.
33:00But since he did, now there's no more show.
33:03Our friend, our friend.
33:07We've got to get out of here.
33:37You are now watching Mav TV.
33:41Mav!
33:41Hello.
33:44Are you fat?
33:46Are y'all so stupid and ugly?
33:48If you're thinking, I sure am, then this commercial is just for you.
33:54Fat, stupid, and ugly.
33:56It's got to be all three.
33:58There's a lot of people out there who are just fat and stupid, but they think they're
34:04ugly as well, because they're too stupid to realize that just because they're fat, it
34:08doesn't automatically mean they're ugly.
34:10No, sir.
34:11If you're genuinely ugly in addition to being fat and stupid, then stay tuned.
34:16This commercial is not for people who are ugly and stupid, but think they're fat because
34:20they're so stupid that they think that fat and ugly are somehow the same word.
34:24Believe me, it happens.
34:26If you're just fat and stupid, or stupid and ugly, or fat and ugly, or just fat, or just
34:32stupid, or just ugly, then go about your business, because this commercial is seriously not for
34:38you.
34:38Every day in this great nation, fat, stupid, and ugly people wake up and say,
34:44How come nobody makes a hat that's just for me?
34:48Well, here at Spishak, we've heard your prayers, and that's why we've made this.
34:53The Spishak Hat for Fat, Stupid, and Ugly People.
34:57It's a beaut, huh?
34:58And it's just for you.
35:00One size fits all.
35:01And there's even one for fat, stupid, and ugly babies.
35:06Be the first fat, stupid, and ugly person on the block to have your very own fat, stupid,
35:14and ugly hat.
35:15I tell you, it's enough to make a gal like me want to put on 300 pounds and hit myself
35:19in the face with an ugly stick until there's brain damage.
35:23The Spishak Fat, Stupid, and Ugly Hat.
35:26It's not just a hat.
35:27It's a hat for fat, stupid, and ugly people.
35:30The Spishak Fat, Stupid, and Ugly Hat.
35:33Available exclusively at boat shows and Irish Rover Concerts.
35:41Hey, kids, get on your feet.
35:43It's time for Anti-Depressor Size Junior.
35:46The totally hot exercise minute for children under 12 on anti-depressive medication
35:50who need to battle the unfortunate side effects of weight gain and cardiovascular irregularities.
35:55And now, kids, here's your host, Charlotte.
35:58Hey, everybody.
36:01Hi, Charlotte.
36:03Hi, I'm Charlotte.
36:05We're going to do a couple exercises.
36:08We're going to work at...
36:12Oh, oh, how long was I out for?
36:15Okay, great warm-up.
36:17Let's start the clock.
36:18Okay, this is a reminder to the kitties.
36:20These exercises are safe whether you're on mood-stabilizing M.K.O. inhibitors
36:25or whether you're fastened to your bed as part of a state-sponsored home program.
36:31Okay, let's start the clock.
36:33Okay, great.
36:34We want to get our heart rate up to the target area.
36:37See, mine's at that target area all the time
36:39because I spend my days yelling at myself in here.
36:43Like, bad girl.
36:46Stupid, bad, stupid, bad girl.
36:49God's mistake.
36:52Okay, see, there it is.
36:54Okay, let's start the clock.
36:55Now, we reach, we reach.
36:59And, oh, and who's that?
37:01Who's that?
37:01Oh, look, it's, look.
37:04It's Mr. Whistles.
37:06Yay.
37:07Hello, Mr. Whistles.
37:08Hello, Charlotte.
37:09Why don't you tell the kids why I'm here?
37:12Mr. Whistles is here because sometimes it helps to have a friend feel the feelings
37:16that your feelings won't let you feel.
37:19Isn't that right, Mr. Whistles?
37:20Sort of, but as usual, you said it wrong.
37:25Sorry, Daddy.
37:26I do the best that I can, okay?
37:28No!
37:29No, Daddy, stop!
37:31You bastard!
37:32You bastard!
37:34Okay, let's start the clock.
37:36Okay, now I want to bring out a very special guest to help with the exercises.
37:42You know him from his very popular Saturday morning show.
37:45Please give a big antidepressor-sized junior welcome to Tinkle the Happy Panda.
37:52Yay!
37:53Yay!
37:55Hello, Tinkle.
37:56Oh, hello, little friends.
37:58Hello.
37:59Oh, boy, Tinkle, you're so happy.
38:00That's because I have many friends, and I exercise, just like you, Charlotte.
38:07Let's exercise!
38:08Yay!
38:10They like you better than they like me.
38:13This always happens!
38:14Okay, kids, let's run in place and run in place!
38:18Yay!
38:19Oh, whoa, Tinkle, Tinkle, is this what you really want to be doing?
38:22Yes, I love running!
38:24Running in place, running in place!
38:25Yay!
38:26Okay, see, I know, Tinkle, but see, you run and run, and really, you've gotten nowhere.
38:31But I'm exercising, and it feels good!
38:35Does it really, or does it maybe just make you sweaty?
38:39Okay, why don't we try some of my exercises?
38:42Oh, look at that, kitties.
38:44That's just a box of fun, huh?
38:46Tilt?
38:47You want me to take pills?
38:49Oh, sure, we all do.
38:51Isn't that right, kids?
38:52Okay, great, let's start the clock.
38:54Okay, and get angry, and deny, and open your mouth.
38:59There you go, thank you.
39:00How's that working for you?
39:03Something's changing.
39:05Brain tingling.
39:07Yeah, that means, that means the medicines are working.
39:10Now we're going to move into some deep regression knee bends.
39:12Okay, and we bend, and we sob, and we bend, and we sob, and Daddy never approved of you, and Mommy always slept, and everything hurts and riddles.
39:28Okay, how do you feel?
39:29I'm never going to be as popular as Barney.
39:33I'm nothing!
39:36Kids, remember, feelings of intense inadequacy are not only good for the spirit, but they're also good for the arms.
39:42See, hitting yourself gives you real cut biceps.
39:45See that?
39:46See how that works?
39:47Okay, great.
39:47That's all the time we have today, and I'm okay with that.
39:53So, um, wow, that's a bright light.
39:56This has been 60 seconds of heart-pumping antidepressor-size action with Charlotte.
40:01Yay!
40:02Good night.
40:10You are the one of the dream that you be.
40:16Bang!
40:21You are the one.
40:22You are the one.
40:34So, did you have a great time this week?
40:39Yeah.
40:40You'll join the show?
40:43Well, thank you very, very much for honoring us with your love and your laughter, because you know what?
40:48We're going to do it again, ain't we?
40:50All right?
40:51So, you come back, because we'll be here tonight.
41:39Quit being on my lawn, you old jerk.
41:41Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, you clay-fisted!
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