- 3 hours ago
Season 4 Episode 3
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, President Bill Clinton and the Reverend Jesse Jackson.
00:21All right, welcome ladies and gentlemen.
00:23That's right, welcome to Mad TV!
00:30I know that there's probably some pressing issues that you're waiting for us to speak on, but...
00:36But let me just say that tonight's focus is on fun and laughs.
00:40Not about the President slapping some ass!
00:47Now, Jesse doesn't know this, but I thought it would be fun tonight if we play a little improv game.
00:51How about that? You like that little improv song?
00:57Good, good, good. How about it, Jesse? You ready?
00:59Yeah, I'm quick on my feet. Quick as a guy on his feet can be.
01:06All right, now the first thing we're going to need from the audience is a place that we would be.
01:10What sort of a place would two people be?
01:14What? A car, a car, a waterway, looks like a car rental place.
01:21And we're going to need some occupations!
01:24Yeah, a couple occupations.
01:25A mechanic, a mechanic, a pimp, and a pimp.
01:30All right.
01:31A mechanic and a pimp.
01:32All right.
01:33A mechanic and a pimp.
01:34All right.
01:35A mechanic and a pimp.
01:36All right.
01:37All right.
01:38All right.
01:39All right.
01:40All right.
01:42Say, look here, Prez.
01:44I don't care, Prez. Smack it up, flip it, rub it down, give me my money, ho.
01:54We don't have any cars because I have to fix them.
01:59Where's Sally Beach?
02:06And...
02:07Let's see.
02:10Not bad.
02:11Not bad for a couple of guys with real jobs.
02:17Hey, you stay tuned, there's going to be lots more where that came from on that TV.
02:20Hey, you stay tuned, there's going to be lots more where that came from on that TV.
02:28Hey, you stay tuned, there's going to be lots more where that came from on that TV.
02:37Hey, you stay tuned, there's going to be lots more where that came from on that TV.
02:43Hey, you stay tuned, there's going to be lots more where that came from on that TV.
02:49Hey, you stay tuned, there's going to be lots more where that came from on that TV.
02:51Hey, you stay tuned, there's going to be lots more where that came from on that TV.
03:01So crazy, you got me gone
03:07You are now watching the TV
03:16Hi
03:31I'm Steven Seagal
03:32I'm an American
03:33And to me, nothing means America more than America and Americans
03:37So I decided to take a trip into the small towns of America
03:41To see what being American means to other Americans
03:44And to see the little things that make America, American
03:47How'd you like your chowder?
03:49You're a good American
03:50Serving clam chowder out of sourdough balls
03:54Is what's been keeping the locals coming here to Millie's for the past 20 years
03:57It's one of those little details that make up the great big details of this great big country
04:01I wonder if Millie's around
04:03There she is
04:06Hi, Millie
04:07Hello, Steven
04:09You know, Millie
04:10This is one of those places that can only exist in a land that's truly, freely, true and free
04:15So tell me
04:16How'd you come up with the idea for sourdough balls?
04:18Oh, those old things?
04:21Land of Goshen
04:23When I was a little girl
04:25My mother used to scoop out the insides of sourdough loaves
04:30And fill them up with soup
04:32So she wouldn't have to do none dishes
04:34That's pretty smart
04:35Smarts are the brains that make America think
04:38You know, my husband always used to say
04:41Well, you make way too much chowder
04:43Now, why don't you
04:45You take all that chowder
04:46And open up a restaurant called Leftovers
04:49We laughed and laughed
04:53Excuse me for a minute, Billy
04:54Hi
04:59Hey, how are you?
05:02Couldn't help but notice
05:03Your friend here is stuffing her pockets with the sweeten milk packets
05:06I just grabbed a few to take to work with me
05:09All we have at the office is sugar
05:11Put the sweeten milk back on the table
05:16What's your problem?
05:19It's just sweeten milk
05:20My problem is you're stealing from Millie here
05:22And I think we can all agree on this
05:25Millie is America
05:27Hey, look
05:27We don't want any trouble, okay?
05:29Well, then
05:29Keep your receipt
05:32Because you just bought some
05:34Steven, it was just sweeten milk
05:46Millie, that's like saying
05:47It's just the flag
05:48Or just the Constitution
05:49Everything
05:50Is part of Steven Seagal's America
05:52So tell me about the sourdough
05:54Is that French?
05:55What?
05:56Sourdough
05:56Is it French?
05:57Oh, I don't know
05:59I might have
06:00Excuse me a minute
06:01Bakery
06:01What?
06:10What, what?
06:12I didn't do anything
06:13So you're saying I didn't just see you
06:15Stick your gum under the table?
06:18No
06:18No?
06:20Tell you what
06:20Why don't you take a closer look?
06:23Hey, what are you doing?
06:24Something actually was done long ago
06:26Oh, my God
06:27Someone's in the police
06:28Hey, don't you stop that
06:29Don't you stop that
06:30Don't you stop that right now
06:31Ah
06:32Ah
06:33Ah
06:34Ah
06:35Ah
06:36See that?
06:37I blame all you
06:38Ah
06:40Ah
06:41Ah
06:42Ah
06:43Ah
06:44Ah
06:45Ah
06:46Ah
06:47Ah
06:48Ah
06:49Ah
06:50Ah
06:51Ah
06:52Ah
06:53Ah
06:54Ah
06:55Ah
06:56Ah
06:57Ah
06:58Ah
06:59Ah
07:00Ah
07:01Ah
07:02My, my restaurant
07:03Is ruined
07:04It's ruined
07:05You see
07:06This is how it begins
07:08Back a sweet and low over here
07:09A piece of gum over there
07:11Now a piece of America is lost forever
07:15It's a disease
07:16A disease that's rotting this great nation from the inside out
07:19You know, it's like that disease that you get, you know, in your teeth that rots them from the inside out
07:24What is that, what is that called, cavities?
07:26It's uh
07:27Cavities?
07:28Yeah, cavities
07:29Yeah, cavities
07:31It's like cavities
07:33So until there's a cure for cavities, we gotta be vigilant and strong
07:37Strong like me
07:38Strong like Millie
07:40Strong like America
07:42I'm Steven Seagal
07:43I'll see you around
07:44Around America
07:45A
07:46I
07:47I
07:48I
07:49I
07:50I
07:52I
07:53I
07:54I
07:55I
07:56I
07:57I
07:58Hello, my name is Dr. Paula Adams.
08:21I'd like to introduce you to a new and exciting innovation in senior care.
08:26Welcome to Virtual Hills.
08:28Here at Virtual Hills, we believe that the elderly and infirm need not be restricted
08:33by their physical limitations.
08:37Using state-of-the-art virtual reality technology, our residents are free to escape their bodies
08:43and allow their minds to go on new and exciting adventures.
08:46The dinosaur won't eat the goat on everyone and got some!
08:52Oh God, oh God, so much blood!
08:56They're free to experience the exciting and vivid world of virtual reality.
09:01Bees!
09:03Old age doesn't have to be boring and tedious.
09:05Consider, for example, the intellectual challenge is possible.
09:09Our residents are able to feel like they're a part of historical events.
09:18I wet myself on the moon!
09:24Of course, Virtual Hills isn't just about virtual reality.
09:27We offer state-of-the-art facilities without state-of-the-art prices.
09:33We also have an Olympic-sized pool.
09:39Miles and miles of scenic hiking trails.
09:43There's never a dull moment here at Virtual Hills.
09:46I'm blind!
09:47I'm blind!
09:48Let me take a look at that for you, Max, and adjust it.
09:52Fire!
09:53I want fire!
09:54Here at Virtual Hills, our residents aren't removed from the world.
09:58They're thrust back into it, experiencing all that life has to offer.
10:03In short, Virtual Hills is the finest senior care facility in the country.
10:10Come by sometime, and see for yourself.
10:14Virtual Hills, where top-quality elder care is all in your head.
10:19Visit us soon.
10:21Bees!
10:22Bees!
10:23Bees!
10:27Hey, Max!
10:28Hey, Margie.
10:39Oh, the overnight packages are right over there.
10:40Okay. Oh, hey, hey, Marjorie. Did you do something to your hair?
10:43Oh, I got a little extra.
10:44Oh, hey, looks good. It's really good.
10:48I mean, I thought it looked good before, you know, like it could possibly look any better, but it does.
10:54Yeah, I mean, that's a great haircut.
10:56Yeah, I mean, it'd be great for, like, you know, going out somewhere, you know.
10:59I mean, that's, you know, some haircuts are like, you know, whoa, put a hat on, you know.
11:02That one, that one's like, you know, hey, take me out, you know.
11:06Is there something on your mind, Jack?
11:09Whoa, how'd you know?
11:12Actually, I was wondering, you know, if you wanted to, like, you know, go out.
11:15Like on a date?
11:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:18You know, I'd like, you know, pick you up and you'd like, you know, go to dinner or a movie or go-karts.
11:22You like go-karts? I love go-karts. They're like little cars, only like little.
11:27That is so sweet of you to ask.
11:29Oh, wait, I forgot my dolly. I'll be right back.
11:31Okay.
11:34Marjorie, did Jack just ask you out?
11:36Yeah, I got to let him down gently.
11:39So you're not going to go?
11:41Please, it's Jack.
11:42So?
11:43Girl, you know what I think? Let me tell you what I think.
11:45I bet you that man is a sex machine.
11:48Mr. Bouncy-Bouncy-Jackie-Bouncy?
11:52Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga.
11:54Woo-hoo-hoo.
11:55Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga.
11:58Please.
11:59Mm-hmm.
11:59I mean, look at that man.
12:02Now, imagine all that physical energy focused in on pleasing every inch of your body.
12:07You've got to be kidding.
12:09Hmm.
12:09I'd like to rip that little brown shirt off and suck on those...
12:13Uh, aren't you married?
12:18Yes.
12:19Oh, now look at him.
12:19He just...
12:20Jack, everything okay over there?
12:26Oh, it's like this dog's eyes are following you.
12:29Yeah, I don't think so.
12:34Marjorie, the Jenkins report just isn't up to snuff.
12:38Oh, hi, Jack.
12:41Hey, Cheryl.
12:42Cheryl, about the Jenkins.
12:44Uh, Cheryl?
12:46Not right now.
12:49Hey, Cheryl.
12:50Wow, it's a nice little jacket thing.
12:52It's a good color.
12:54It's weird.
12:55I kind of get like a head rush looking at it.
12:56Oh, my God.
12:59Thanks, Jack.
13:05I'd like to take that luscious piece of man candy and flip him over on my knee
13:09and warm my hands on his double nut brownie and...
13:13If only I liked men.
13:17Is this some kind of a joke?
13:20Huh.
13:21Honey, I never joke about...
13:23You both think Jack is that hot?
13:27Oh, he is a sex demon.
13:30All loaded up.
13:32Oh, oh, oh, oh.
13:33One more package.
13:33Right here.
13:34Oh.
13:34I got it for you.
13:35All right.
13:36Hey.
13:37I want to give you a hand with that.
13:38Yeah.
13:38Just, uh...
13:39Yeah, get the stick down there.
13:40Yeah.
13:40Cool.
13:41Yeah, just something.
13:49Yeah.
13:50Oh.
13:52Oh, there.
13:53All done.
13:54Me, too.
14:00Jack.
14:00Um, I, uh, I would love to go out with you.
14:05Oh, cool.
14:06All right.
14:06Well, um, what did I pick you up?
14:08Uh, 8?
14:09Good.
14:09Oh, 8, 8, 8, 830?
14:11Oh, 815?
14:12Some...
14:1220?
14:1320?
14:13Some...
14:14How about now?
14:16Well, now's cool.
14:17Yeah.
14:17Okay.
14:18I'll get the door.
14:19Oh, thanks.
14:20Oh, there you go.
14:21Bye, everybody.
14:23Bye, everybody.
14:24Bye, Marjorie.
14:26Oh.
14:29I wonder what he's like in bed.
14:32He's unbelievable.
14:35Molly, wait a minute.
14:36We've got to talk to you, girl.
14:37Oh.
14:37Oh, man.
14:39I wonder what that man is like.
14:46I wonder what that man is like.
14:48I wonder what that man is like.
15:04Gosh, you got a lot of nice stuff here, huh?
15:09Thanks.
15:10Yeah.
15:11What's this?
15:16Now, what the heck's in here, huh?
15:21It's a box of tax.
15:23Tax?
15:24Yeah.
15:25Oh, I'll be darned.
15:28Oh, gosh, you can see right through the plastic, can't you?
15:32Oh, that's something.
15:34That's nice.
15:36Oh, that's cute.
15:39Oh, are you asking for it?
15:43It's 50 cents.
15:4450 cents, huh?
15:45Oh, gosh, the price is right.
15:47Yeah.
15:48Get so many uses out of those tax, too, huh?
15:51You know?
15:52Yeah.
15:53Yes.
15:54Oh.
15:55God, that's cute.
15:58That's just 50 cents.
15:59You can have them.
16:00How much for the sign?
16:01That's 20 bucks.
16:02Hey, uh, great.
16:03Thanks.
16:04Woo!
16:05How much for the sign?
16:06Uh, that's 20 bucks.
16:07Hey, uh...
16:08Thanks.
16:09Woo!
16:10How many tax do you suppose you got in there?
16:17Huh?
16:18Huh?
16:19I don't know, like maybe...
16:20What?
16:21Like a hundred?
16:22Huh?
16:23Say a hundred.
16:24A hundred?
16:25A hundred tax?
16:26I'm guessing.
16:27Oh, gosh.
16:28I'd never have to buy another tax again, huh?
16:31Yeah.
16:32Of course, even, you know, even if you did run out, the box alone is so practical, huh?
16:39Yeah.
16:40Gosh, keep all sorts of stuff in there, too.
16:42Sure.
16:43You know.
16:44What?
16:45What?
16:46You know.
16:47Whatever you want.
16:48Hairpins, or...
16:49There, sure.
16:50Bits of brick and brack, huh?
16:51Yeah.
16:52Excuse me, please.
16:53Huh?
16:54Hi.
16:55Hi.
16:56How much are these?
16:57Uh, ten dollars for the payer.
16:59There you go.
17:00Great.
17:01Thanks.
17:03So, ma'am, uh, have you decided on the tax?
17:06You see the way the sun's reflecting off that plastic?
17:08Huh?
17:09That's nice.
17:10I wish I had a camera.
17:11That's what I wish.
17:12Yeah.
17:13Ah, that's cute.
17:15Yeah.
17:16So, uh, as I've said, uh, it's 50 cents.
17:18Yeah.
17:19And you can have it.
17:20Well, yeah, you know.
17:21Yeah, you know.
17:22Maybe if...
17:23Maybe if it's still there, you know, later, come back.
17:27Uh...
17:28Uh...
17:29Uh...
17:30Yeah, she has a chance.
17:31Yeah.
17:32Okay, that's fine.
17:33Yeah, fine.
17:34All right.
17:35Huh?
17:36I said all right.
17:37Yeah.
17:38Uh, thanks for coming by.
17:40God, that's cute.
17:42Bye-bye.
17:43Bye-bye.
17:45Bye-bye.
17:47Buh-bye.
18:05Buddy, telephone.
18:06Sally, telephone.
18:07Rob, telephone.
18:10Oh, come on, Rob, give me a break.
18:12I got a date tonight, and she likes my nails real short.
18:17Yes, Marge?
18:21You don't say.
18:23You don't say.
18:25You don't say.
18:28Who is that, Rob?
18:30Marge.
18:30You don't say.
18:32Mel's honestly over, and he's very upset.
18:34Why?
18:35I don't know. He didn't say.
18:36Maybe he found out Viagra doesn't work on fat, bald idiots.
18:41And the credit I have some bad news.
18:43Chris hates the sketch.
18:44Where the hell are my writers?
18:47Good luck!
18:49I ain't seen this many white people since the Jackson family reunion.
18:53And can somebody tell me who is responsible for this corny-ass, milk-toast, white-bread excuse for a comedy sketch?
19:00Well, Bob.
19:02Look, I want some relevant, cutting-edge comedy material.
19:06Not some sketch about a guy who can't find his crocate mallet.
19:09Well, Chris, that happened to me, and we all thought it was funny.
19:13Yeah.
19:13Yeah.
19:14Well, it would never happen to me, so therefore, it ain't funny!
19:18Well, I didn't think it was very funny, Chris.
19:20Shut up, Mel!
19:21You wouldn't know funny if they crawled up your ass and gave birth to a little funny.
19:26Yeah, you did.
19:27That's why you're so fat.
19:27Die, fat boy.
19:28Die.
19:29Yeah, well, you're all gonna be dead unless you come up with something that makes me laugh.
19:33All right, I got it.
19:34How about this?
19:35I went out with a redhead last night.
19:37No hair.
19:37Just a redhead.
19:38Look, woman, I was on the cover of Vanity Fair.
19:42I want something to comment on society.
19:45You know, something political.
19:46I think y'all better order up some of them mayonnaise sandwiches you like so much,
19:50because you're gonna be working late tonight.
19:52And if you don't come up with something funny, you're all fired.
19:57Well, don't worry, boss.
19:58We won't let you...
19:59down.
20:02Well, that's it, gang.
20:04I guess we're working late tonight.
20:06Darn!
20:06It means I'll have to cancel my date with Marge.
20:08His brother.
20:10Well, you better call Pickles,
20:11so we get out the vibrator and start without me.
20:16It's the rhythm of the street.
20:19Can you hear that crazy beat?
20:21We're not here to slam or diss.
20:24What's the word on the street there, Chris?
20:26And then, Chris, you'll take center stage.
20:28And you'll be dressed like a hobo.
20:34Say, Stan, what do you make of all that trouble in Iraq?
20:37Well, Ollie, I'll blame it all on that Saddam insane.
20:42You think we'll bomb Hawaii?
20:44I don't know.
20:46Alaska.
20:48Saucy.
20:49Wait a minute.
20:52Wait a minute.
20:52Tap dancing?
20:54You got me tap dancing?
20:57Oh, hell no.
20:58Get out.
20:58Get fired.
20:59Oh, if I hear one more pun,
21:02my head's gonna explode.
21:04I want to see all your asses out there on the unenjoyment line.
21:09Damn.
21:10Now they got me doing it.
21:14Oh, darling, you wouldn't believe what just happened.
21:18Oh, I hope I'm not coming in the middle of something.
21:21Don't you f*** that.
21:24Hiya, Laura.
21:25Did you get my gift?
21:26Honey, we're working.
21:28Rob, so was I.
21:29It was so exciting.
21:30I went back to my old job,
21:32and they want me back.
21:34Well, you know how I feel about working women.
21:36Only when the wife's out of town.
21:40I haven't danced for so long,
21:42and Rob, I didn't know if I could do it,
21:44but I got up there,
21:46and I danced my heart out,
21:48and I made $300.
21:52Jeez, please.
21:53I want to take those perfect breasts
21:55and suck on them all night long.
21:59I didn't say that out loud, did I?
22:01And they want me back at scores for the 10 o'clock show.
22:05You know what?
22:06This gives me an idea.
22:08I mean, we got some real Howard Stern type stuff happening here.
22:12Why don't you do that on the show?
22:14You come out, do your little bump and grind,
22:16and I'll make fun of you.
22:17Oh, Chris.
22:19Rob, is it okay?
22:20Well, if that's what he wants, honey,
22:21does that mean we get to keep our jobs, Chris?
22:24What for?
22:25What the hell I need y'all?
22:27This rights itself.
22:28Come on, woman.
22:29Let's go rehearse.
22:31Oh, wait, Chris.
22:32I want a lap dance, too.
22:34Well, you couldn't get laid in prison
22:35with a fistful of weekend passes.
22:39Well, Rob,
22:40I saw your wife turned out to be a stripper,
22:42and we all lost our jobs.
22:43I'm not.
22:44You know, buddy, don't you see?
22:46If it's strippers he wants,
22:47it's strippers we'll give them.
22:49We'll just go down to scores
22:50and pick out the hottest foxes
22:51and we'll all get our jobs back.
22:53You're right.
22:54Let's get to that 10 o'clock show.
22:56Yeah.
23:00Rob, you're such a klutz.
23:02Now, come on.
23:02Quit fooling around.
23:03Yeah, come on, Rob.
23:04This isn't funny.
23:05My God.
23:07Look at all that blood.
23:09Now, that's funny.
23:10Ha, ha, ha.
23:11Come on.
23:12Come on.
23:12Come on.
23:12Come on.
23:14Come on.
23:14Come on.
23:16Come on.
23:18Come on.
23:19Come on.
23:20Come on.
23:21Come on.
23:21Come on.
23:22What does Mama say about fudgicles?
23:26Fudgicles look like frozen poop.
23:28Introducing,
23:30dentist in a box.
23:32I did it.
23:33Oh, man.
23:42Honey,
23:43I want to eat this pasta,
23:45but all we have are cereal bowls.
23:46I can't eat pasta in a cereal bowl.
23:49I know.
23:50I know.
23:50I'll get some pasta bowls tomorrow.
23:53Honey, did you see?
23:54I traded in those old cereal bowls for some brand new pasta bowls.
23:57Yeah, but now I want to eat these grainy flakes and all we have are pasta bowls.
24:01I can't eat cereal out of a pasta bowl.
24:04I guess I'm just out of luck.
24:06I can never get it right.
24:08I wish I were dead.
24:10Wait.
24:10Stop.
24:11Don't kill yourself.
24:12The answer is here.
24:14Introducing...
24:15Omnibowl from Spishack.
24:18The new convertible bowl that doubles as a cereal bowl and a small pasta bowl.
24:23Wait.
24:24It's a pasta bowl only, right?
24:26Wrong.
24:28Well, then it's just a cereal bowl.
24:29Nothing more.
24:32The Omnibowl is a cereal bowl in the morning.
24:35Then just wash, rinse, and dry, and press show.
24:39It's a small pasta bowl for lunch and or dinner.
24:42Hold on.
24:43Wait a second here.
24:44Rewind.
24:45Now, are you telling me that this is a small pasta bowl and...
24:48And a cereal bowl.
24:50Wait, wait, wait.
24:51Wait one second now.
24:52What?
24:53That's just impossible.
24:54Believe it or not, it's true.
24:56The Omnibowl is made of ceramic.
24:58The very same space age material used in many cereal and pasta bowls.
25:04Well, the only one not getting this.
25:06I don't get it either.
25:07And I'm the mother of a police commissioner.
25:10It can't be true.
25:11This has got to be the work of the devil.
25:14I'm a successful businessman.
25:16And I've heard of a cereal bowl.
25:18You know, every day, no problem.
25:20It's a concept I'm familiar with.
25:22And a bowl for pasta.
25:24Yes, absolutely.
25:27But both together?
25:28What?
25:30How much would you pay for a bowl with so many different uses?
25:37$8,000.
25:39Between $8,000 and $9,000?
25:41Somewhere north of $8,000.
25:43What if I told you that if you order Omnibowl today, it could be yours for only $400?
25:49Wow!
25:49That's a $7,000 savings!
25:52It's the best, most versatile bowl I've seen in my entire life.
25:56And I'm 48.
25:57I love two.
25:59One for pasta.
26:00And one for cereal.
26:03It's that good.
26:04I...
26:05I don't like the Omnibowl.
26:09It's true.
26:10I don't like it.
26:12I don't like anything about it.
26:14Why don't I like it?
26:19I can't lie.
26:22Because I love it.
26:23Omnibowl from Spishac.
26:25Available everywhere, including Denmark.
26:27Oh, gosh, I'm glad they're still here.
26:40I couldn't get the G-darn box of texts out of my mind, huh?
26:46God, that's cute.
26:49Well, you're in luck.
26:50Everything's 50% off, so you can have that for a quarter.
26:5325 cents, huh?
26:54Yeah, that's...
26:55Oh, gosh, I gotta say, I'm real tempted here.
27:01You're not gonna believe this.
27:03I just got finished telling myself this morning I need a box of tacks, and there they are.
27:07This is great.
27:08All right, here you go.
27:0825 cents, and they're yours.
27:10So 25 cents.
27:12That's great.
27:14Yeah, I got...
27:15You're for sure gonna buy that box of tacks, huh?
27:17At this price?
27:18Are you kidding?
27:18Perfect.
27:19I gotta say.
27:21I gotta say here, I don't...
27:23You know, I thought I was in the middle of making a purchase here.
27:26Yeah, here's your change.
27:28Now, isn't there a state law in the books that, you know, protects the public from this sort of thing here?
27:33Huh?
27:33See, I'm sorry.
27:35I'm on the wrong impression.
27:36She was gonna buy this.
27:36No, no, no, no.
27:37Ignore her, all right?
27:38I tell you, I feel like calling the cops, you know?
27:40That's what I feel like.
27:41See, I didn't know she was gonna buy this.
27:42You're fine.
27:43You're fine.
27:43It's...
27:44Purchase has been made.
27:45Thank you very much.
27:46Okay.
27:46I guess I should have, you know, grabbed it when I had a chance.
27:49I guess so?
27:49Yeah.
27:50Ouch.
27:50Uh, that's also court.
27:51Ouch.
27:52Just kick myself.
27:54Just kick myself.
27:55Yeah.
27:56Ma'am...
27:56Just kick myself.
27:58Kick.
27:59Just kick.
28:00Kick myself.
28:01Oh, I could just...
28:02Okay.
28:03Kick myself.
28:04You know what?
28:04Why don't you take this?
28:05Why don't you take this?
28:06No, no, no, no.
28:06No, no, no, that's okay.
28:07No, no, no, I'm fine.
28:08I'm fine.
28:08Please, don't...
28:09No, no, please.
28:10No, thank you.
28:11Thank you, thank you.
28:11No, it's fine.
28:13You had a quarter.
28:18Well, you win.
28:20Huh?
28:20All right?
28:21You can have the box of tax.
28:22Twenty-five cents, please.
28:24Would you take twenty?
28:29Please get out of my yard.
28:30Huh?
28:31Get out of my yard.
28:32Huh?
28:32All right?
28:34Please just leave my yard.
28:35All right?
28:35Get in your little LeSabre and go.
28:39Please.
28:39Ah, you're cute.
28:46Here you are.
28:59Hello, I'm Mrs. Larkin.
29:01I ran over as soon as I heard you found my son.
29:04Is he all right?
29:05Oh, yeah, right.
29:07The big handsome one.
29:08Yeah, he's fine, Mrs. Larkin.
29:09Oh, I had him with me the whole time.
29:11He was holding my hand in the chest, King, and somehow he slipped away from me.
29:16I've been worried sick.
29:17Oh, thank God you found him.
29:19Yeah, well, uh, I'll go get him for you.
29:20Oh, that's okay.
29:21I got...
29:22Stuart!
29:23Stuart, honey, it's Mama.
29:25Come on, let's go.
29:30Stuart, come here.
29:31I don't want to.
29:32I don't want to.
29:32Stuart, come here.
29:34Come here.
29:35Stuart, come here right now.
29:38Stuart, come here.
29:40Come here.
29:42Where were you?
29:44I was in the back playing cards.
29:47You let my son play cards?
29:49Yeah, we're real naughty here.
29:51Well, Stuart, you have me worried sick.
29:56Stuart, you...
29:56No, stop, Donnelly.
29:57Come on, let's go.
29:59Stop, Donnelly.
30:00Come on, we gotta go.
30:01Don, I want to stay and play cards.
30:02Absolutely not.
30:03No, no, come on, let's go.
30:04Let's go.
30:04I want to stay and play cards.
30:05What did Mama tell you about playing cards?
30:10Only dirty people play cards.
30:12That's right.
30:13No, come on, let's go.
30:15Let's go.
30:16Thank you, officers, for finding him.
30:19Come on, Stuart, let's go.
30:22Before you go, Larkin, we got a little outstanding matter here.
30:26Outstanding matter?
30:27Yep.
30:28Seems like Stuart here acquired a little something on his travels at the mall.
30:32Stuart, why don't you show your mom what we found?
30:37Look what I can do.
30:48I can't stay mad at him.
30:51Of course, he's all my responsibility now.
30:53His father left us Tuesday.
30:55Oh, sorry.
30:56I'm shocked.
30:57Oh, and I just, you can imagine how difficult it is to say no to him.
31:01I mean, he's such a cute boy.
31:04What?
31:07Stuart, where did you get that bathing suit?
31:09I don't want to stay.
31:10I don't want to stay.
31:11Stuart, where did you get that suit?
31:13I don't want to stay.
31:14Actually, he set the alarm off as he was leaving Marshall's.
31:18Yeah, they were going to book him for shoplifting, but, you know, they felt sorry for him.
31:23Sorry?
31:24Sorry?
31:25Why?
31:26I mean, why would they feel sorry for him?
31:30Stuart, what did I tell you about shoplif...
31:32Oh, he's laying on the floor.
31:34Isn't that cute?
31:35Isn't that cute?
31:36Oh, Stuart, what did I tell you about shoplifters?
31:39Stuart, what did Mama say about the shoplifters?
31:42What did Mama say?
31:44What did I say about those shoplifters, Stuart?
31:47What did Mama say about the shoplifters?
31:50What did you do?
31:51What did I say?
31:55Shoplifters are dirty people with dirty hands.
31:58That's right.
31:59Now, you go take that off.
32:00We're marching right back to Marshall's to return it.
32:03Go on, let's go.
32:04Come on, Stuart, let's go.
32:06I want to wear a hat.
32:06No, Stuart, no, come on.
32:08We're going to...
32:08We've got to go.
32:10Stuart, that suit does not belong to you.
32:12Now, you go take that off.
32:13Stuart, I want you to take that off before you get your go-go all over it.
32:20Look what I can do.
32:27I'm sorry about all the trouble that Stuart has caused.
32:30I think the more I ride him, the more he resists.
32:34Vince, what are you going to do?
32:37Well, Stuart, now you give that to the officers because you've got your go-go all over it.
32:41Come on, let's go.
32:43Okay, yeah, okay.
32:45Just, why don't you keep it?
32:47Why don't you keep it?
32:47It's dirty.
32:48I don't work.
32:48Just give it to your mom.
32:49I got my go-go on.
32:51I don't work.
32:52Sir, what's that you have in your hand?
32:55Sir, what do you have in your hand?
32:59It's a fudcicle.
33:01What did Mama say about fudcicles?
33:04I don't want to say.
33:05What does Mama say about fudcicles?
33:08What does Mama say about the fudcicles?
33:10Let me tell you.
33:14Fudcicles look like frozen poop.
33:16Yeah, that's right.
33:18Well, doesn't that look like frozen poop?
33:21I always thought that.
33:22Yeah.
33:23Now, come on, Stuart.
33:23We're going to go throw that away outside.
33:25Come on.
33:26You listen to what Mama says now.
33:28Stuart, we're going to go throw that poop away.
33:30Come on.
33:31Stuart, come with me.
33:32You do what I say, Stuart.
33:33We're going to throw that away.
33:35Come on, Stuart.
33:36Come on.
33:37And now, a Mad TV classic.
33:46And now, it's time for Incredible Findings with your host, Mike Lawson.
33:52Hey, everybody.
33:58Why am I excited about today's show?
34:00Because we've got a brand new product that everyone tells me is super fantastic.
34:04So let's stop wasting time and bring out our old friend, Tony Bright.
34:14Hello, Mike.
34:14Okay, Tony, never mind the small talk.
34:18What about this product that's supposed to blow our minds?
34:21Hold on, Mike.
34:22First, let me ask you a very important question.
34:25Do you like going to the dentist?
34:26The dentist?
34:27Are you kidding?
34:27I hate going to the dentist.
34:29Don't you?
34:30Well, what if I were to tell you you never have to go to the dentist again?
34:34Wow.
34:35Never.
34:35That's a long time.
34:36That's right, Mike.
34:38Introducing Dentist in a Box.
34:41Dentist in a Box?
34:42What in the heck is that?
34:44It's a complete home dental kit from Nubco.
34:46Nubco?
34:47I've heard of them.
34:47They're famous.
34:48That's right, Mike.
34:49They are.
34:50Now you can do all your own dental work right at home.
34:52Whoa.
34:53Are you saying no more driving to the dentist, having to look for a parking spot, sitting
34:57in that dumb waiting room reading those boring magazines?
35:00That's right, Mike.
35:01Right at home.
35:02Wait, wait, wait, wait.
35:05Wait a second, Tony.
35:06How can I do my own dental work?
35:08I'm not a dentist.
35:09You don't have to be, Mike.
35:10And that's the beauty of it.
35:12Dentist in a Box comes with all the instructions, so anyone can do it.
35:15Even you.
35:16Hey.
35:18Do me a favour, Mike.
35:19Take a look at these.
35:20Holy cow.
35:21Those are great looking teeth.
35:23That's right, Mike.
35:24But this is how they looked before.
35:26Yuck.
35:28No offence, Tony, but those were really ugly.
35:31I know, Mike.
35:31Exactly.
35:32So this weekend, I installed my own caps.
35:35Wow.
35:35Aren't they great?
35:37Hey, listen.
35:38What do you say we try it out?
35:40I don't know.
35:41Should we?
35:41Yeah.
35:43Okay.
35:46Now, Mike, weren't you telling me earlier you had a toothache?
35:49Yeah.
35:49It's those darn wisdom teeth.
35:51Two of them are impacted.
35:52Well, what do you say we yanked those buggers out of there?
35:56Maybe you're right, Tony, but I'm a little nervous.
35:58I mean, isn't it going to hurt like heck?
35:59You've got nothing to be nervous about, Mike.
36:02Ditties in a Box comes with laughing gas and...
36:05Novocaine.
36:06The first thing we're going to do is freeze that jaw.
36:10Okay.
36:11Just find a spot in that jaw muscle and let her rip.
36:15Hey, this is fun.
36:16You're doing fine, Mike.
36:18Wow.
36:19That was super easy.
36:20Good work, Mike.
36:22Now, what say we get those nasty old wisdom teeth?
36:25Okay.
36:26Let me at them.
36:28Good job.
36:28And with Ditties in a Box, you'll learn how to cure gingivitis, plaque buildup and abscesses.
36:35You'll even do your own root canal.
36:40I did it!
36:44Good work, Mike.
36:49Hey, and you know, if you can do it, anybody can.
36:52Hey.
36:56Well, seriously, Connie.
36:58Ditties in a Box is great, but how much does it cost?
37:03Well, Mike, you know, dental school can cost up to $300,000.
37:08Then you've got the cost of office rental, all that equipment.
37:10Come on, Tony.
37:11What's it going to cost?
37:14Mike, I can give you the whole package, the equipment, the instruction book, the instructional
37:19video, for $300.
37:24$300?
37:25You can do better than that, Tony.
37:28All right, let me see.
37:31Ham out.
37:33$200?
37:35Well, that's a little beggar, but we want a real deal.
37:38Right, everybody?
37:40Yay!
37:42All right, Mike.
37:43You drive a hat bag.
37:45And what if I were to say to you, three easy payments of $39.95!
37:53Hey!
37:53Because that's who I like it!
37:56So how do you order, Tony?
37:58Send your check or money order to Dentist in a Box, P.O. Box 788, Postal Station C,
38:01Farmington, Illinois, prohibited by law in all states except Arkansas and parts of Hawaii.
38:05Well, that's it for our show.
38:06Thanks for joining us on incredible findings.
38:09Thank you, Tony.
38:10Hey, you guys got room for one more?
38:28Dylan!
38:29Oh, my God!
38:30Hey!
38:30That's why I decided to tour the country with Kenny's testicle examination, please.
38:38Just come on down to your local mall.
38:41Hey!
38:42Hey!
38:42Hey!
38:42Hey!
38:42Hey!
38:42Hey!
38:42Hey!
38:42Hey!
38:43Hey!
38:44Hey!
38:44Hey!
38:45Hey!
38:46Hey!
38:47Hey!
38:48Hey!
38:49Hey!
38:50Hey!
38:51Hey!
38:52Hey!
38:53Hey!
38:54Hey!
38:55Hey!
38:56Hey!
38:57Hey!
38:58Hey!
38:59Hey!
39:00Hey!
39:00Hey!
39:00Hey!
39:00Say, do you happen enough the points on these tacks are stainless steel or aluminum?
39:11Huh?
39:12Lady, for God's sakes, just take the tacks and go!
39:20For free?
39:22Oh, gosh, I wouldn't feel right, you know, just taking them for free.
39:25I mean, the tacks will longer work 50 cents.
39:29Ah, God.
39:30Ah!
39:30Ah!
39:30Ah!
39:30Ah!
39:41Ah!
41:14We had a wonderful time.
41:15It was a great show.
41:16Now go home and tune in.
41:17Woo!
41:18Woo!
41:18Woo!
41:19Woo!
41:49Maybe you found out Viagra doesn't work on fat, bald idiots.
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