- 3 hours ago
Season 4 Episode 7
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:00Hey everybody and welcome to MADtv.
00:23My name is Stan and not everybody knows this about me, but I've had a little struggle
00:29with the coffee problem, the problem with the Joe, if you will.
00:34Yeah, I kind of had to admit that to myself after an incident in my home.
00:39I was trying to move my industrial bean grinder out of my bedroom and into the foyer and as
00:45I was lifting, pow, my left eyeball popped right out of my head and blew the glasses
00:52off of my face.
00:53And you know, that's really the first time that I'd ever blown a peeper.
00:57I'd been close before, just glad there weren't any chicks around, if you know what I mean.
01:03So I went to the doctor and he took care of the problem.
01:06I know you can tell I'm looking a little more calm than usual, he's got me on the caffeine
01:11patch.
01:12It works pretty good I find, he's got a couple more over here.
01:17And I do have others, but believe me, you don't want to see them.
01:20Stick around, we've got a great show, make yourself a hot pot.
01:27Man, come on!
01:32Yeah, fear, fear,ems, come on!
01:35Man!
01:36Man!
01:37Man!
01:38Man!
01:39You're so
01:39Man!
01:40Crazy
01:41Man!
01:41Ooh!
01:42Man!
01:43You're so
01:43Man!
01:44Crazy
01:45Man!
01:46We're mad!
01:47Man!
01:47Man!
01:48Man!
01:49Man!
01:50Can'tzlich
01:53Man!
01:54Man!
01:55Man, you're so crazy, you drive me down
02:06You are now watching the TV
02:17Man, you gotta rock, rock, rock
02:24You've enjoyed his music for years and now J-Tel Records presents the definitive collection of one of America's most beloved performers
02:35Little Hassan Taylor
02:40Relive the innocence of yesteryear with Life Bright Suzy
02:44Life Bright Suzy likes chocolate love
02:47Once you had a taste, you couldn't get in love
02:50Oh, Suzy, you almost do your right
02:53Woo-hoo, baby
02:56I'm having a white gal tonight
02:59You'll get tighty-whitey
03:00Kiss my big black ass
03:02I know Tom
03:03Open the door, honky
03:05Open the door, honky
03:12Open the door and make it fast
03:17Open the door, honky
03:23Or I'm gonna kick your home here
03:29You'll also get Snowflake Can't Dance
03:33Messing with Whitey's Old Lady
03:35I'd rather be black and poor than ugly like you people
03:38Kiss my big black ass part two
03:40I believe
03:41Santa Claus Ain't No Cracker
03:43Santa Claus Ain't No Cracker
03:46Cause a cracker don't give no gifts away
03:50He's just like me, except a cracker
03:53And he's gonna mess with your Christmas day
03:56Order now and you'll also get Blue-Eyed Devil
03:59Bobo a go-go
04:00You old-fame mother
04:02Stickin' it up, crack his ass
04:04Mr. Charlie, say your prayers
04:05What the world needs now is dead white folks
04:08And many, many more
04:10You can kiss my big black ass
04:15All you white folks
04:16Kiss my big black ass
04:18Yeah, you heard me
04:19Line up, Whitey
04:21And kiss my big black ass
04:23His music delighted a nation
04:25Until his mysterious death
04:26After a show-stopping performance
04:27At the 1972 Republican National Convention
04:30But don't let his music die
04:32Get your copy of Little Hassan Taylor's
04:34Songs for White Trash O'Fay
04:35Send your check or money order to
04:37I'm a stupid-ass Whitey
04:39Box 61, Patterson, New Jersey
04:41Box and kills
04:42Not tasty
04:45Black ass
04:49Kiss my ass
04:51Order yours today
04:53You are
05:03Coming to pay-per-view in December
05:12A major cinematic event
05:14The movie that dares to show you World War II
05:23Like you've never seen it before
05:25Saving Ryan's Privates
05:32The courageous story of two nymphos
05:36Who go behind enemy lines
05:38To save the most generously endowed private
05:40In Uncle Sam's army
05:42From one of the most acclaimed
05:44Adult film directors of our time
05:46You know, my work has been considered
05:48Very still-burgy
05:49And I'm not just talking out my ass here
05:55Remember the part in Private Ryan
05:59When the soldier goes on the beach
06:00And finds his arm
06:01Look, there's something
06:05What we're looking for
06:12Is a lot longer than a foot
06:14You know, I am an original artist
06:18Even though many of my films
06:20Have been inspired by some of
06:21Steven Spielberg's work
06:23That's it
06:36I think we've done everything we can
06:39Look, he's coming too
06:45Private Ryan
06:50Can you feel anything when I touch you here?
06:55No
06:55I don't feel anything at all
06:58Well
06:59How about when we both touch you here?
07:06Would you guys mind kissing while you do that?
07:08Sure
07:09Alright
07:10For instance, when he did Raiders of the Lost Ark
07:13I did Penny Raiders of the Lost Ark
07:15When he did E.T.
07:18I did Eat Me
07:19Can I have a piece of that?
07:24I don't speak German
07:28But do you want some of this?
07:31There are a reason you call me
07:33Dictator
07:34One of the most controversial parts in my film
07:44Was the part of Hitler
07:45Played by none other than my own little Robert the Hero
07:48Peter Gagga
07:49This was the hardest role I've ever had
07:54It was a real, real challenge
07:56Hitler is such an evil person
08:00That sometimes I
08:01I had a hard time getting it up
08:03The most powerful anti-war film since Deep Throat
08:12When he did Jaws
08:13I did Jaws
08:15I just couldn't think of nothing better
08:18Saving Ryan's Privates
08:23Only on Pay-Per-View
08:28Now entering the studio are today's contestants
08:31Dick Caston
08:33An insurance claims adjuster from San Diego, California
08:36Shane Drummond
08:37An interior designer from New York City
08:40And an unemployed stand-up comedian from Los Angeles
08:44Craig Shoemaker
08:45And now, give it up for your host of Jopardy
08:49Fresh from his unsuccessful TV show
08:52Magic Johnson
08:53And welcome to the first show of the Johnson Jet Party Hour
08:59And welcome to the first show of the Johnson Jet Party
09:03You know, unlike the other show, this here is a party
09:15Where the other show was with a D
09:28You go on, Quizmaster Johnson
09:29Speaking of the bad, let's give a round of applause to the baddest musical director in all the land
09:42Miss Sheila E
09:43Hey, I'm just glad to be working, Quizmaster Johnson
09:51You know something, Sheila
09:52Let me tell you something funny my daughter do
09:55Now, you know where magic going with this, right?
09:58No
09:59But all right
10:01You know, my daughter can sometimes take up to two, like, hours in the bathroom
10:08Getting ready
10:10And she too
10:11That's crazy
10:13Ain't nobody laughing
10:19Craig, you fired?
10:22I understand
10:23All right
10:26Now, coming out is my man
10:28You've seen him in movies
10:29If you look real close, you've even seen him on TV
10:32So give it up for my man, Tommy Davidson
10:35Tommy said his dad
10:37That looked beautiful
10:39How are you here?
10:44I need it
10:45to不要
10:51Hey, hey, hey Maggie, Maggie, Maggie
10:52Hey man, what's that smell man?
10:54Must be these eggheads up in here
10:59Tommy, you back
11:00Hey, hey, Sheila babe
11:02Let me tell you something
11:02I feel like I'm in jeopardy just being here
11:04Hey man, you ain't packing, are you?
11:06Hey, Tommy, you crazy and funny.
11:16Now, let's meet our players.
11:19And I don't mean the Ohio players.
11:22You go on, Chris Master Johnson.
11:24Give it up for Dick.
11:28Now, Dick, what it is that be bringing you
11:32to the presence of Malik's pilots of Pleasure Places?
11:36What?
11:37You know what it is that be your occupation of?
11:42Magic, you never learned.
11:44And I mean, you really never learned.
11:46Okay?
11:47Will we actually be playing today?
11:49The real question for you is will we be playing today?
11:55All right.
11:56Now, let's start the party.
11:58First, we go to the categories.
12:00Basketball.
12:02We have Geograph Edmunds.
12:05Edmunds.
12:08Lit...
12:09Lit...
12:10Lit...
12:11Richard...
12:13Little Richard...
12:15Little Richard...
12:17Lamps.
12:21Pots...
12:22Po...
12:23Porridge.
12:26And...
12:27And Moe Ray Basset Ball.
12:30Tommy, you got control of the boy.
12:33I'm in control?
12:34That's Miss Jackson if you're nasty.
12:36Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
12:43Shane, maybe you should choose our first tropical.
12:47All right.
12:47I'll take literature for 200, please.
12:50We don't have that.
12:53Right there.
12:54Literature?
12:54No, okay.
12:55Lamps.
12:55Lamps for 200.
12:56All right.
12:57Deceived's...
13:00Grass...
13:02Crescent Heights...
13:04Flam...
13:10Flapjack...
13:11Toted's sex.
13:18Dick!
13:20Who is Liz Estrada?
13:22I don't know.
13:23What's that sound like?
13:27Listerine?
13:28Hmm.
13:29I got a little cousin named him.
13:30Listerine!
13:31Hurt me in here.
13:32Bring me my spatula out your car, girl.
13:34Whoop your end.
13:35Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
13:46Shane!
13:47Would you like to buy a vibe?
13:50It's not even the right game.
13:52you're totally okay i'll take basketball for 500 please all right
13:56oh i recognize that you should well that's it this has been a great run it's over but hey i'm
14:06gonna move on to something else might do a sitcom you never know sheila i know you got some theme
14:11music for me hey magic as long as you're my meal ticket hey y'all
14:22are you ready for johnson are you ready for nature are you ready for johnson
14:33yeah
14:34are you having trouble finding your ideal mate
15:04how about any mate do you fear you'd be the last man or woman on earth still not getting any
15:10are you using roofies to score and yet you still hope to land that prince or princess of your dreams
15:18well wake up sleeping ugly because your only hope is lowered expectations our video library
15:24allows you to choose from thousands of chronically rejected singles just as hard up and pathetic as
15:29you so good luck you'll need it marilyn manson number six six six hello i'm marilyn manson
15:36and i'm looking for someone or something to spend my life with someone who's kind and funny and
15:44loves children like i do and like spending quiet evenings at home lying on the floor covered in
15:52meat while i pee on them or sunday spent taking horse tranquilizers and pulling live snakes out of my ass
16:00you know a soul mate
16:03for marilyn manson press pound six six six
16:07the wb invites you to watch the most critically acclaimed series in the history of television
16:23intensity
16:24dear sarah sometimes i wonder if following ben to nyu instead of going to stanford was the right
16:33decision i mean ben barely even notices me but he will sometimes i wonder if ben ever even looks out
16:45his window or under his bed late at night or behind the shower curtain when he's sitting on the toilet
16:54someone once said that you have to follow your heart no matter what the cost
17:02who was that oh yeah oj now there was a guy who understood love
17:10ben ben oh my gosh ben is that you ben i've been waiting a lifetime
17:18oh no it's it's your ra no is ben with you no did ben send you no i i just want to talk
17:29about ben no but uh no i think it's it's important that um you know we keep keep talking
17:37about ben no about us us and ben no just you and and me
17:44oh oh look
17:47look what i found in ben's garbage this is ben's tissue these are his boogers
17:54now they're mine
17:56see mine
17:59entertainment weekly raves a plus plus there's still no cure for cancer but at least there's intensity
18:07that's what i'm going to say about it
18:08oh hey roomie i haven't seen ben i don't know where he is so quit asking me a psycho
18:14for your information i was going to ask you about something else
18:18oh yeah what if i were to kill the president do you think ben would notice me then you transfer
18:27colleges to obsess over a guy you don't even know what the hell kind of premise for a show
18:32i mean decision is that
18:34a grown-up one whatever
18:38hello it's ben covington i'm looking for some chick named intensity
18:44ben ben's here ben um listen roomie ben and i could really use some alone time so
18:50the only thing that matters on this planet perhaps even the universe it is truly more perfect than god
19:03bingo
19:10intensity
19:14the answer is yes yes ben i'll marry you
19:17yep you must be the nutjob stalker who's sending me all these twisted letters
19:22do i even know you
19:24no but you did sign my yearbook
19:27and so you transferred here based on that what kind of a premise for a show for a decision is that
19:34let's not get bogged down in details i'm pretty you're pretty let's just go with it
19:41here go with this
19:43a letter it's a love letter
19:46no it's a restraining order if you come within 50 feet of me you'll be arrested
19:5050 feet
19:53you flirt
19:57time magazine says cancel every show burn every book quit your job intensity is all that matters
20:04rolling stone says if your children don't like intensity kill them
20:09intensity on the wb it's so good it should be on another network
20:15hello
20:22my name is melina of melina and leader's parlor of beauty and stuff and this here is leader
20:26hi my name is leader in store
20:29i'm 23 years old
20:31stupid
20:32stupid commercial
20:33alright
20:34are you tired of looking like a sorry ass skink
20:38it's so
20:39come down and see us at melina and leader's parlor of beauty and stuff
20:43we will make you look oh my god so much muy gooda
20:47i mean we can make you hot like leader oh my god is she totally hot
20:50i'm not totally hot i'm only so hot
20:52what are you loco
20:53you are like muy cayente
20:55I am
20:56I am
20:57can you believe maurice her boyfriend ditched her for that slut rosa
21:02rosa you a damn bitch
21:04i'm never gonna rip your feet at all
21:06oh
21:08look at one of our satisfied customers cause here she is before
21:13she look um
21:14she look um
21:15um like stupid
21:16no
21:17okay ugly
21:18no she look like a dead person
21:20um
21:21she look like that um
21:22um
21:23um
21:24um
21:25um
21:26um
21:27um
21:28um
21:29um
21:30um
21:31um
21:32you gotta look stupid
21:33why you gotta look so stupid
21:35you don't wanna look stupid do you
21:37no no no
21:38alright
21:39she look good
21:42she look tough and stuff
21:44thanks melina and leader
21:46god i look like freaking selena
21:52oh
21:54oh my god
21:55oh my god
21:56thank you
21:57may she rest in peace
21:58wherever you are selena
21:59we are with you
22:00uh
22:01you and mom
22:02don't feel left out cause we do you too
22:04oh my god you said do you
22:06oh snap
22:07oh snap
22:08we're not gonna do you in store
22:10we're just gonna like do you
22:11yeah i know i know
22:12yeah you know what we mean you pervert
22:13i know
22:14shut up
22:15i think he likes me
22:16no he doesn't like me
22:17no i don't
22:18shut up
22:19god
22:20i'm just kinda cute and stuff
22:22but um
22:23i don't think he likes me
22:24no i think he does
22:25don't you like a your own dog
22:26i don't know
22:27why don't you shut up
22:28god
22:29i didn't say anything
22:30don't you talk bad to us
22:31you sit your butt down and
22:32where are you going
22:33where are you going
22:34where are you going
22:35where are you going
22:36look at her
22:37look at this
22:39see now you got it
22:41we do men
22:43Melina and Lita's parlor of beauty and stuff
22:46don't forget on tuesday
22:47you get a free set of nail decals
22:49with purchase of seven lip liners
22:50but only if you're not a skank of her own
22:52like that slut rosa
22:53yeah like that's no rosa
22:55yeah rosa
22:56you don't even show up and you don't
22:57you don't even show up
22:58you don't even show up
22:59you don't even show up
23:00everybody loves babies
23:06except when babies attack
23:09mr president
23:10why are you wearing eyelashes
23:13because he's my bitch
23:15low-waring expectation
23:30Do I talk right into camera?
23:37Okay.
23:38Well, hello.
23:39I'm Doreen Larkin, and I just want to say right off the bat that I'm not looking for
23:45a husband so much as I'm looking for a father figure for my son, Stuart.
23:52Well, sit up, Stuart.
23:54Come on, sit up.
23:56Sit up.
23:57I am.
23:59Oh.
24:00My husband left us on Tuesday, and when you're as gifted as Stuart, you need a constant
24:07male influence, and as...
24:09Well, Stuart, where did you get those chips?
24:13Where did you get those chips?
24:16I found them on the floor.
24:18Oh, well, you give me those right now.
24:20No, I'm wrong.
24:21Stuart, you give Mama those chips?
24:23Oh, oh, you have such an appetite.
24:27Oh.
24:27Well, what do you expect with such a growing boy?
24:32He's my boy, my big boy.
24:34The doctors say they don't really know how big he's going to get.
24:38Oh, look at him.
24:41He's so active.
24:43We're looking for somebody who'd maybe like to wrestle in a pool.
24:48Isn't that right, Stuart?
24:51Isn't that right?
24:53Well, don't get all cranky on me.
24:56Why don't you tell him what you're looking for in a daddy?
25:01Well, tell him.
25:01What does that mean?
25:02Well, tell him.
25:03Just go ahead.
25:04Now's your chance.
25:04Now's the chance.
25:05Stuart, don't be shy, boy.
25:07Now tell him.
25:08This is your chance to be on television.
25:11On tell him.
25:17Look what I can do.
25:21Oh.
25:22Isn't he adorable?
25:25Hi.
25:26There he is, my boy.
25:31Oh.
25:31Oh.
25:31Oh.
25:31Oh.
25:32Oh.
25:32He's such a handsome boy.
25:40Smart pretty for camera.
25:42For Noreen and Stuart, press count 9-6-2.
25:46Noreen and Stuart, so we're going to see you.
25:55In the tradition of ER and Chicago Hope, comes a medical team dedicated to saving lives.
26:01Coming this fall, Fox Television presents, HMO.
26:07It's about caring.
26:09What are you doing?
26:09I need this man off this gurney and on that one and that one, off that one and on to that
26:12one.
26:13Stack.
26:14It's about professionals.
26:16I think I twisted my knee.
26:18I'm kind of stupid.
26:19I'm moving this.
26:19Clap!
26:24Clap!
26:26Putting their careers on the line to a point.
26:29Are you a doctor?
26:30Oh, are you a doctor?
26:32Farms!
26:33I need more farms!
26:35Clap!
26:37Making tragedy and making it their business.
26:47No, no, no!
26:49No, I want that patient off that gurney and on to that one and that one, off that one and
26:51on to that one.
26:52Stack!
26:53Oh, we're looking at about a three to four hour wait.
26:58There's a lot of people ahead of you, sir.
27:01Maybe 15 minutes, aren't you?
27:03Go ahead and have a seat.
27:15Intensity.
27:15Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit!
27:17This is all wrong!
27:18Get these people out of here!
27:19I need space to work!
27:37Humility.
27:37Good work today, doctor.
27:39We work for an HMO.
27:41That's what we do.
27:42HMO.
27:43Operating this fall.
27:49Running into my break.
27:51Now a band running into my break.
27:53On Boppers.
27:54Funding for this program is made possible by St. Paul Public Television.
28:03And then the bravest knight of them all raised Excalibur high above his head.
28:09And for one brief shining moment, the dream of Camelot was real.
28:15Celebrating 30 years in public broadcasting, it's...
28:20Storytime with Mr. Sasso.
28:24Hi!
28:26Hey!
28:27Welcome to Storytime.
28:29You know, before I go over there and tell the story, I like to tell my own story.
28:35Something like this.
28:39My wife, Ruth, I don't like it when she makes the meatloaf with raisins and pine nuts.
28:45Hey, we go over to her sister Julia's house for dinner.
28:52There you go.
28:54Meatloaf.
28:55Raisins and pine nuts and...
28:59Okay, hey!
29:08Here we go, kids.
29:10Open your minds to the...
29:12World of imagination.
29:14I'm going to go get me a beer.
29:21And some pretzels.
29:23And Jenny, you go help him.
29:25And Amy, you go help him.
29:27All right, there's time for the story of Goldilocks and the three bears, you know, there's three bears that, you know, they're going somewhere.
29:42The bear's got a house or something.
29:45Goldilocks comes and she's trying to say bowls or something and, you know, she's tasting it as oatmeal or porridge, I don't know.
29:59It's too hot and cold and then she wants to go to sleep.
30:04But where's the Alan?
30:08Hey, all right.
30:10Tell you what, Alan, go get me a carton of smokes.
30:13All right, you got money.
30:21And for the love of Pete, put it on my windbreaker.
30:24It's cold out there.
30:25Now the three bears, you know, they come back or, you know, they're going to eat the porridge or something and, hey, listen up.
30:42The bears are going to have porridge and, you know, the papa bear says to the bear, my bowl's too small.
30:51And the mama bear says, mine's just perfect.
30:56And the baby bear says, mine's perfect too.
31:00And, you know, then, I don't know, the bears are mad or something and they're all going to go to bed.
31:09So then, the end.
31:21This has been Storytime, Mr. Sassioli.
31:32And now,
31:50Have a nice nap, little one.
32:00Hello, I'm Fran Drescher.
32:04Isn't he a little cutie?
32:06So adorable, angelic, and dependent.
32:09Everybody loves babies.
32:12Except when babies attack.
32:15There are over 400 baby attacks in America each year.
32:27Of those attacks, over 300 are on nannies.
32:31The fact that a nanny has no maternal attachment and is alone with a child makes her extremely vulnerable and a favorite target.
32:39I am standing in the actual nursery of a particularly brutal attack.
32:45The parents of this baby suspected the nanny of theft and monitored the household with hidden cameras.
32:52What they found was completely unexpected.
32:55Doing a routine check, she finds the child has mysteriously disappeared.
33:02As you can see, the room is filled with several dolls.
33:06Keep your eye on the supposed doll.
33:13The baby takes the nanny down by severing the tendons in the back of the neck.
33:18The nanny is now helpless.
33:22And as you will now see, just before the tape ran out, several other babies from nearby houses caught the scent and descended on the fallen nanny.
33:32The feeding continued until only her skeletal remains were found.
33:36I tell you, that's no way to lose weight.
33:40This next chilling piece is from an interview with the only known survivor of a twin baby attack.
33:48I was a resident priest at a small Midwestern parish.
33:53Came home one evening to find a baby in a basket on the stoop.
33:58And then when I bent down to pick it up, that's when the other one attacked.
34:02Those little f***s were playing good baby, bad baby.
34:07I almost have my f***ing face and a good f***ing part of my ass.
34:13I'm no longer in the priesthood.
34:16And I thought the Olsen twins was scary.
34:19Our next clip is from 1978.
34:22It's one of the first documented cases.
34:25This attack is on an unsuspecting babysitter.
34:29Notice how the baby maneuvers itself into an attack position.
34:36Let's watch.
34:37Hi, it's me.
34:39It's about 6.30.
34:40And I'll be putting the baby to bed around 8 o'clock, so...
34:44So, um, if you want to come over after that...
34:49If you want to come over, uh, that'll be...
34:58How'd you get to be here?
35:01I can't see you.
35:04Anyway.
35:09Frightening.
35:09A final attack was caught on tape by Amateur Video.
35:14I was just standing here trying out my new camera.
35:17I was just, like, shooting stuff, you know, shooting stuff and trying out my new camera.
35:21And there was, like, three nannies over there waiting for the bus.
35:24And that's when it happened.
35:26I thought it was a bunch of kites or them blind squirrels or something.
35:30And then I saw a baby.
35:32I was scared as hell.
35:36I mean, I knew I couldn't save it.
35:37Them sons of bitches had a good grip.
35:39You know, them baby fangs sunk in deep on them nannies.
35:43So I started running off.
35:44And that's when I saw this one nanny full of babies.
35:51I guess she was trying to get to that hose over there.
35:54Maybe hose the babies off.
35:57And she never made it.
35:59She never made it.
36:00But it's an expression we hear far too often when it comes to baby attacks.
36:05It's hard to say how a nanny should protect herself when looking after someone else's child.
36:11I'm just glad the children I look after are actors.
36:15I'm Fran Drescher.
36:17Join us next time on...
36:19When Babies Attack.
36:23Now stay tuned for a new exclusive Fox special when shotguns misfire.
36:30I need love.
36:34Expectation.
36:37York number 633.
36:40I need love.
36:45Lonely and sad, needing attention
36:49Lonely and sad, needing attention
36:53One leg is Easter, one leg is Christmas
36:57You come and visit me in between the holidays
37:15For Bjork, press pound 633
37:19I'd like to call my new movie
37:32It's called I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
37:35Okay, actually, Brandy, I do know what you did last summer
37:38And I want my hubcaps back
37:39I bit me a vampire one time
37:43A vampire tastes like corn
37:46I want to thank you, Reverend Jackson, for coming on such short notice
38:06Hillary, I am a servant of the people
38:11I am happy to do whatever it is I can do
38:14We're really at our wits' end here, Jess
38:17I mean...
38:17Mr. President
38:20Why are you wearing eyelashes?
38:24Because he's my bitch
38:25I'm a bitch
38:27I'm a bitch
38:29That's right
38:30Hillary
38:33Billy here has made some terrible, terrible mistakes
38:38Mistakes for which there are no excuse
38:41But you must remember
38:42When David sinned with Pachiba
38:44He repented
38:45And he too
38:46Was forgiven
38:47There you have it
38:48Case closed
38:49Reverend
38:51Once David repented
38:54He kept it zipped up
38:55Right?
38:56She's got you there, Billy
38:57Bill, dear
38:59Would you mind hitting yourself on the head with the coffee table
39:02While I have a word with the Reverend?
39:04You got it, Bill
39:05Now
39:09Hell are it
39:12I know that right now you are feeling of furious and righteous vengeance
39:17But you must remember
39:18I know that even though you feel betrayed and bewildered and beside yourself
39:22Things will get better
39:24I'm afraid you're missing the point, Reverend
39:27Chelsea
39:28Yeah, Ma?
39:31Why don't you show the Reverend Daddy's sardine act?
39:34Daddy's a butler
39:35Hey, Chelsea
39:36Stop that!
39:40Chelsea!
39:41I insist that this behavior is for the good of the country
39:45Reverend
39:48Jesse
39:49Maybe you should hear about phase two of my payback plan
39:53Jesse
39:54Do you remember about six months ago you did a speech at the Hyatt Regency?
39:58We shared a crowded elevator and you were wedged in tight behind me
40:03That was involuntary action!
40:07I was thinking about God!
40:08I liked it
40:09And I would like for you to come on up to my room and do some more thinking about God
40:14I suppose I could come up to your room for a couple of hours and
40:17You know what?
40:18This has gone on far enough!
40:20What?
40:20It will have gone on far enough when I say it's gone on far enough
40:24And I'm not going to say it's gone on far enough till then it's gone all the way
40:28Is that clear?
40:40Not least watching
40:41You know what?
41:02You know what?
41:04All right, you've been a great audience, and you've been a great audience.
41:16Take your pants off, go to bed.
41:17Good night.
41:34Good night.
42:04You're my bitch.
42:05All right.
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