- 3 hours ago
Season 3 Episode 5
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:00You are now watching Mad TV.
00:04Mad!
00:06You're watching Fox.
00:12There's a family down the street that you really ought to meet.
00:16They're the best of all, the bestest moms and dads.
00:20Don't be shy, don't walk by, get your nose out of the start.
00:24Don't you run, you'll have fun with the Chads.
00:27They're the coolest family crowd, and they'll make you laugh out loud.
00:31They will turn your deepest punchline into glass.
00:35You'll be bawr, yell hurrah, every kiddie pop and mom.
00:39Bring a gun, you'll have fun with the Chads.
00:47Dad's a businessman, you see, and he's married happily.
00:51And his honey's into all the latest fads.
00:54They're the best in the West, and their love, it ain't no jest.
00:59Eat a bun, you'll have fun with the Chads.
01:07Well, there's Timmy and there's Jill, and their next door neighbor Bill.
01:11Who runs by at every hour by the Stads.
01:15We're not sure what he does, but he's really lots of fun.
01:18He has fun having fun with the Chads.
01:27One day Dad had a lot of reason to get a cat.
01:30He put it in his pants.
01:31And then I'll put it in the waffa-hushing machine.
01:35They all looked, and they looked, and they looked, and they looked.
01:38They looked, they looked, and looked, and couldn't find it.
01:40But we all have fun with the Chads.
01:44Then that boss came from dinner, and I thought he was a sinner.
01:52So she grabbed a bat and whacked him in the nats.
01:56Then I thought she was pregnant, but it turned out it was just a case of syphilosis from their parakeet.
02:02And we all had fun with the Chads.
02:06Yes, we all had fun with the Chads.
02:23Timmy, how was school today?
02:24We got our report cards. I got straight A's.
02:26Oh, way to go, Timmy.
02:28Except I got a B in science.
02:30Oh, Timmy!
02:32Next week on Fun with the Chads.
02:34Timmy runs away from home, and he takes a trip to Rome.
02:38Timmy's popular with all the youngish lads.
02:42Mom and Dad meet the Pope, but they both forget their soap.
02:46And we all had fun with the Chads.
02:49Yes, we all had fun with the Chads.
02:53Man, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
03:02Man, man, you're so crazy.
03:09Tonight on MADtv, Michael Jackson and James Brown Jr.
03:29You are now watching MADtv.
03:33Man!
03:33Good evening, and welcome to MADtv.
04:03Hey, I'm Tim McVeigh, and we're going to blow the roof off this sacker.
04:09Stick around!
04:19No, Billy.
04:20I can't go out on Saturday night.
04:21I'm on TV.
04:23Hey!
04:24The procedure is quite simple, really.
04:36It's your own child, so there will be no rejection complications.
04:40We just wait until the boy reaches optimum age, in this case, eight.
04:44We then surgically remove the top of his head.
04:47We pluck out his brain and replace it with your own.
04:51Your brain and an eight-year-old body.
04:53It can work.
04:54It will work, Mr. Jackson.
04:58It's magical.
05:00Thank you, Dr. Rubenstein.
05:02I just hope that people don't misunderstand this the way they've misunderstood so many other
05:07things I've done.
05:08You know, you mustn't worry.
05:09The child will feel nothing.
05:11The child will feel no pain whatsoever.
05:13Excuse me, but that child has a name.
05:18I just can't remember it right now.
05:21Well, is there anything I can do to make the process go faster?
05:24I'm very rich if that will help.
05:26You must be patient.
05:27In a few short years, the world will have a brand new Michael Jackson.
05:31And I will finally have my childhood.
05:41The man in the mirror, watch over my baby boy.
05:44Let him feel loved and cared for.
05:47Let him want for nothing in this world, so that he is strong and healthy.
05:52When I cut open his head and put my brain inside.
05:57Who are you?
06:00Who do I look like?
06:01I'm the old you.
06:05This is insane.
06:08This can't be happening.
06:09I'm Michael Jackson.
06:10Oh, this is most definitely happening.
06:12And I'm the real Michael Jackson.
06:14But you're black.
06:17You're darn right.
06:18Take a good look at this face.
06:20Do you know how much surgery I went through to never have to look at that face again?
06:23Why are you tormenting me?
06:25You've gone mad.
06:27And I'm here to make you see it.
06:29I'm here to stop you.
06:30Remember the old days?
06:32Before all the little boys?
06:34Before?
06:35Come on, who's kidding who?
06:38Touche.
06:38Touche.
06:40Besides, why would I go back?
06:42I'm better than you ever were.
06:44Oh, really?
06:45Can you do this?
06:46Not bad.
06:53Can you do this?
06:57In my sleep.
07:01How about this?
07:06That's old.
07:07Welcome to the 90s.
07:11Michael, Michael, why are you dragging yourself like that?
07:14They have ointment for that.
07:16Just try and keep up.
07:26You hit like a bitch.
07:36Hey, again.
07:37Say, Tito.
07:38Say, Tito.
07:39Oh, Michael, I don't want to hurt you.
07:44It's a little late for that.
07:46Don't you see?
07:48I'm you.
07:49The you you can still be if you want it bad enough.
07:52I don't know.
07:53I'm so confused.
07:57This song's going out to the Michael that I know is still in there someplace.
08:01Oh, Michael, you used to be so cool.
08:09Oh, now you look like a pale baseball.
08:18Oh, I'm talking to the mic from the mirror.
08:24You're saying that I've gone insane.
08:27Well, you're asking for a boot up your reel.
08:31Oh, I took off my nose.
08:33I changed my race.
08:34My whole black head I have replaced.
08:37Just stop.
08:39Go back.
08:40Before you want an Oreo.
08:42Just stop.
08:43Go back.
08:44Go back to when you had a nose.
08:46You make a billion dollars.
08:48What's the difference if you're black or white?
08:52Just stop.
08:53Go back.
08:55Before you want an Oreo.
08:56Just stop.
08:57Stop.
08:58Stop.
09:02Michael, why are you crying?
09:04Because you're right.
09:05I am a freak.
09:07No, you're not a freak.
09:09All right, well, even if you are, that doesn't mean you have to be one forever.
09:12Really?
09:13You think?
09:14Really.
09:15Really.
09:16Why are we fighting?
09:19We have the same name.
09:23I got upset because you asked me to change.
09:30There's no one to blame.
09:34We're one in the same.
09:38We're one in the same.
09:42Don't go there.
09:43Oh, my God.
09:44The surgery was successful, Mr. Jackson.
09:56Finally, I'm normal again.
09:59Michael Jackson is back.
10:02Does anybody hit the mirror?
10:03Are you having trouble finding your ideal mate?
10:22How about any mate?
10:24Do you fear you'd be the last man or woman on Earth still not getting any?
10:29Are you using roofies to score?
10:32And yet you still hope to land that prince or princess of your dreams.
10:37Well, wake up sleeping ugly.
10:39Because your only hope is lowered expectations.
10:42Our video library allows you to choose from thousands of chronically rejected singles
10:46just as hard up and pathetic as you.
10:48So, good luck.
10:49You'll need it.
10:51Antonia, number 435.
10:56Okay, you can start.
10:58Okay.
10:59Haven't I seen you before?
11:02Yes.
11:03Did you get many calls?
11:05Yes.
11:07Then why are you back?
11:09I don't know.
11:12Are you looking for a date, Antonia?
11:14Yes, possibly.
11:15You do know that this is a dating service.
11:21Would you like a tall man?
11:23Okay.
11:24You would have said the same thing if I'd said a short man, wouldn't you?
11:27Yes.
11:28Would you like a rabbit to call you?
11:30Yes.
11:32Would you like a date with a piece of lint from my pocket?
11:35Okay.
11:39My cat's name is T.C.
11:41For Antonia, press pound 435.
11:44Bye.
11:45Lowered expectations.
11:55Okay, kids, settle down.
11:57Come on, guys.
11:58Shut up, old man.
12:00Okay, that's it.
12:01You two are going to go to your rooms.
12:02I think you guys need a time out.
12:04Oh!
12:04You know, we love our kids.
12:08But sometimes it's darn near impossible to get them to do as they're told.
12:12What is a parent to do?
12:14Hey, maybe I can help.
12:16Who are you?
12:17I'm Charlie Newell.
12:18And occasionally even the best kids can misbehave.
12:21But you'd be surprised what the right kind of persuasion can do.
12:24You're fat.
12:25What'd you say?
12:28He said you're fat.
12:33Watch your mouth, you little punk, or so help me God, I'll rip your heart out.
12:40So are you going to eat your lunch now?
12:42Thank you, Charlie Newell.
12:49Yes, if you're having trouble with your kids, for only $79, Charlie Newell will come over
12:53and scare the living crap out of it.
12:55And if you order now, Charlie Newell will also help your kids concentrate on their studies.
13:04Finish that homework!
13:05And if necessary, Charlie Newell will...
13:10I said go to sleep!
13:11...burst out of their closet at midnight.
13:14So why not teach your kids some respect the Charlie Newell way by ordering today?
13:20I said order now!
13:22Write to Let Charlie Newell Come Over and Scare the Living Crap Out of Your Kids, Box 21, Boulder, Colorado.
13:31There's nothing to do with it.
13:33There's something there or something.
13:34I don't know.
13:35You're watching Mad TV.
13:39Are you going to do something with it?
13:41You are now watching Mad TV.
13:45Mad!
13:49Now it's time to Talk American with Mr. Diakai and Rui Perrano.
13:55Good evening!
13:57I am Mr. Diakai, and this is my co-host, Rui Perrano.
14:01Hello.
14:02Welcome to Talk American, which is a show about American people.
14:05America, the greatest country in the world.
14:07The best.
14:07The land of the free and the home of the...
14:11The home of the brave.
14:18The home of the brave.
14:18The home of the brave.
14:20Come on, what do you mean you don't know?
14:25Rui, the home of the brave.
14:25You know when there is the people that are doing the fighting and then everyone comes from everywhere to be...
14:32The brave!
14:33The brave!
14:33Right!
14:34The home of the brave.
14:35The home of the brave.
14:36Anyway, now today we have a very special guest, a great American filmmaker, to welcome to Talk American.
14:43Please welcome...
14:44Spike Lee!
14:45Spike Lee!
14:46Spike Lee!
14:47Spike Lee!
14:48Hey!
14:49Mr. Lee!
14:50Hey!
14:51Mr. Lee!
14:52Hello!
14:53Mr. Lee Spike Lee!
14:54What are you doing?
14:55Come on, come on.
14:56Now, Mr. Lee, we want to welcome you to Talk American.
15:00We want to welcome you to Talk American.
15:02Rui and I are very proud to have a person of your greatness on our show today.
15:05Happy to be...
15:06Thanks, thanks.
15:07You know, I mean, it's important.
15:08We all gotta stick together, you know what I'm saying?
15:09You know, we gotta keep it real, you know what I'm saying?
15:11You know, I mean, cause after all, I mean, you're a black man and...
15:15I mean, you're from wherever the hell you're from, right?
15:18I mean, let's face it.
15:19We're all part of the oppressed minority in this country, you know what I'm saying?
15:22Oppressed?
15:24I don't feel so oppressed.
15:25Do you, Rui?
15:26No, not, not so much.
15:28Not too much oppressed here.
15:29Well, whether you like it or not, this country belongs to the white man.
15:34And the only good thing the white man ever gave us was a New York Knicks.
15:38You think so?
15:39One day, I am going to the Knicks game with my brother Mitsu and my nephews Valdino and Bob.
15:45And it cost so much for two parking station wagons.
15:48And the guy, he say, trying to be cool, he's like,
15:51Hey man, you are giving money $10 on no car parking.
15:55And I am trying to be polite to go,
15:57Okay, sir, but too much is for $10 for two parking cars.
16:01And he said,
16:02Hey, you, talk English and give me the money.
16:04And, and Patrick Ewing sweats a lot.
16:09Yeah, exactly.
16:10I mean, that, you know, that's more or less exactly what I'm talking about.
16:13I mean, they try to put you down just because you're different.
16:16You know, I mean, that's all in my new book.
16:18Oppression in American Film.
16:20Making movies for the white man.
16:22To me, this is not oppression.
16:24Back when I live in Zubabwe, when the lion is chasing me to the jungle, that is oppression.
16:28Sure it is.
16:30And I think we can send an important message to the people who run this country.
16:34If next money, every minority parent in New York City takes their kids out of school so they can come to my book signing.
16:40Wait a minute.
16:41Wait a minute.
16:42You are asking the parents to tell the children to run from the American education?
16:46Wow.
16:47Running.
16:48One time I am watching the friends on TV.
16:51And the monkey, she's running after Phoebe to go poop in her shoe.
16:56And the audience there, ha, ha, ha, Phoebe, ha, ha.
17:00And then the friends are drinking the coffee.
17:02Mr. Lee, what is the problem with America?
17:05Problem?
17:06How about the fact that this country is founded on genocide and racism?
17:10Mr. Lee, I think you are part of the problem.
17:13What you talking about me?
17:14Look, I'm one of the only people out there willing to risk his career every year to help the black man.
17:19You want to help the black man?
17:20Stop acting in your own movies.
17:22Give that charge to another black actor.
17:25Look, you don't know what I'm up against, Mr. Dykey Ikey.
17:28Dykey! Dykey!
17:30Whatever.
17:31Look, white America ain't gonna come see my movies if I'm not in them.
17:34They're not interested in the black experience.
17:36Or maybe is it that your movies are just not good.
17:38You know, I wasn't going to say this, but you have, uh...
17:41You, you, you, you...
17:46You have pissed me off.
17:47Let me tell you, sir.
17:48When you made me do the right thing, you did the wrong thing.
17:50I got on the bus from downtown to get on the bus.
17:53I should have never got on the bus because that movie never left the station.
17:56Well, then one time on Friends, Ross is going through the kitchen door and he is crashing into the other guy.
18:02Who is that guy?
18:03Who is that guy?
18:04Who is that guy?
18:05Rui, I don't think I saw that movie.
18:06No, but the guy, he has hair.
18:07I know the guy you are talking about!
18:08What is it?
18:09Chandler!
18:10Chandler!
18:11Yes!
18:12Now you are keeping it real!
18:13Spike Lee!
18:14Not like Bruce, but Lee!
18:15Mr. Lee!
18:16Beautiful!
18:17The only time we're having a...
18:18America!
18:19America!
18:20The Spaces!
18:21The Spaces!
18:22The Spaces!
18:23The Spaces!
18:24The Spaces!
18:25The Spaces!
18:26The Spaces!
18:27And America!
18:29Live from Las Vegas, it's the 41st Annual Jerry Klayman Ardual Essecation Telelog.
18:36Help Jerry help his dried-out crack play kids.
18:39And here's your host, Jerry Klayman!
18:44Woah!
18:45Woah!
18:46I'm the favorite of the Klay King!
18:48Woah!
18:49Woah!
18:50Woah!
18:51Woah!
18:52Woah!
18:53Woah!
18:54Woah!
18:55But you know, we're here for a serious cause.
18:56This thing we do is about love.
18:59And here to help for the 300th year, Mud McMahon!
19:03Ha, ha, ha, ha!
19:05Oh, ha, ha!
19:06Thank you, sir!
19:08Ardual Essecation is making my Klay Kids stiff and brittle before their time.
19:13And now, it's time for me to bring my very special kid out.
19:18This year's poster child, little Timmy Klay.
19:23Take a look at this.
19:26Timmy couldn't play like other children.
19:29No!
19:31But thanks to Jerry, Timmy finally has hope.
19:35Thank you, Jerry Klayman!
19:36Thank you!
19:37Thank you, Jerry Klayman!
19:38Thank you!
19:39Thank you!
19:40Just keep waving.
19:42Woah!
19:43Help my dried-out kids!
19:45Please!
19:46I'm begging!
19:47I'm begging!
19:48Hello!
19:50Hey lady!
19:52Hey lady!
19:53We'll be back with Andrew Dice Klay,
19:58fighting war,
19:59and the nitty gritty dirtbag
20:01on the 41st Annual Ardual Essecation Telephone!
20:08Coming up.
20:09Coming up.
20:10Coming up next on Mad TV.
20:12Daddy's home!
20:13Oh no!
20:14That looks like you were hiding in the back room,
20:16you bad girl!
20:18What is that?
20:19It's your wallbanger!
20:20And where is it?
20:21I'm glad you asked!
20:23Hit blow!
20:24Uh!
20:25Hit blow!
20:26Uh!
20:27Get your ass on the floor!
20:29You are now watching Mad TV!
20:38Ahoy there, mighties!
20:40Welcome to TGI Saturdays,
20:42where we serve all our food with a side of fun!
20:45This month's TGI Saturdays salutes Captain Hook,
20:48the most infamous pirate in naval history.
20:51Welcome aboard!
20:52Oh, you know what?
20:53No hat for me.
20:54Not me neither.
20:55Oh, you know what?
20:56I'm sorry Captain's orders.
20:57No hat, no food.
21:00Alrighty!
21:01Can I start you off with a cocktail?
21:03Uh, actually...
21:04Today's fun drink is a walk the plank wallbanger.
21:06That's got vodka, orange juice, and a jigger of wood grain alcohol.
21:09It's guaranteed to send shivers of fun down your timbers!
21:12Oh, wow, but actually we're trying to...
21:14Okay, great!
21:15Then that's two walk the plank wallbangers!
21:20Honey, uh, are you sure you want to eat here?
21:22Oh, sweetheart, look, it's an hour and a half way to cross the street,
21:24and besides, I'm starving.
21:25I mean, I've never had a walk the plank wallbanger.
21:28Let's just play along.
21:29Okay.
21:34Alrighty!
21:35What is that?
21:36It's your wallbanger.
21:37Well, then where is this?
21:38I'm glad you asked.
21:41Oh, I was there all the time!
21:43Wasn't that fun?
21:44Oops, balloon overboard!
21:48Hey, look at that.
21:49I forgot your silly straws.
21:50What are you waiting for?
21:51Go ahead and try it.
21:56Oh, God!
21:57It's like drinking acid!
21:59Isn't that good?
22:01Isn't that good?
22:02Can't you just taste the fun?
22:05Okay, why don't I tell you about our specials?
22:08This month, in keeping with our Pirates theme, we're featuring a peg leg of lamb.
22:12That comes with a crow's nest of mashed potatoes and bees.
22:15You know what?
22:16We were looking for...
22:17Okay, great!
22:18Then two peg leg of lambs!
22:19Okay, fine.
22:20And guess what?
22:21That comes with soup and salad.
22:23Today's special soup is a yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum soup.
22:26It's a cup of rum, heated up, served in a dinghy with a treasure map printed on the bottom.
22:31Doesn't that sound like food?
22:34It doesn't even sound like soup.
22:35You know what?
22:36We're going to pass.
22:37Are you sure?
22:38Because just saying the name makes me laugh.
22:39Watch.
22:40Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
22:41Oh, look, here's your salad!
22:47There you go!
22:48There it is!
22:49I didn't...
22:50Oh...
22:51Okay!
22:52Uh, we don't have any utensils here.
22:54Where's my mind?
22:55Where did my mind go?
22:56Where's my mind?
22:57I don't know!
22:58I don't either!
22:59Guys!
23:00Here are your hooks!
23:02Each one an exact replica of the hook-Captain-Hook war!
23:06There you go!
23:07Hey, did you know the story of how Captain Hook lost his hand?
23:10It was in a sword fight with the captain of a Spanish galleon!
23:14For weeks he just walked around with a bloody stump with the flies and maggots swarming all over it!
23:19Oh, excuse me!
23:20We're trying to eat!
23:21Okay!
23:22Well, if you'd like to know how this colorful story turned out, it's printed on your placemats!
23:25Can I get you anything else?
23:27Uh...
23:28H-honey?
23:29Honey, what's wrong?
23:30Oh, my God!
23:31Do you know what that means?
23:32She's joking!
23:33No!
23:34She found the lucky gold doubloon!
23:37And I can't have your attention, everybody!
23:39We've got a winner!
23:40Whoa!
23:42That's a good girl!
23:44You are insane!
23:45Uh-uh!
23:46It's my wife's birthday!
23:47And do you realize because of your idiotic gimmick she almost died?
23:50Okay, I feel awful.
23:51Well, you should!
23:52I had no idea it was her birthday!
23:56Oh, hands on deck!
23:57We've got a buccaneer out here with the birthday!
24:00What are you doing with me?
24:01Hey!
24:02What are you doing with me?
24:03That's right!
24:04What are you...
24:05Where are they taking her?
24:06Out back to the Pirates Cove Lagoon.
24:08They're gonna throw her in and see how many quarters she can scrape up off the bottom.
24:13She can't swim!
24:14Oh!
24:15Ahhhh!
24:16It's a part of the fun!
24:20Ahoy there, mighties, and welcome to TGI Saturday!
24:25James Brown Jr., number six, seven, seven.
24:46Ah!
24:47Damn!
24:48Huh!
24:49I need a woman sexy!
24:50Senna!
24:51Sen!
24:52Wow!
24:53Sexy months on the beach!
24:55Ah!
24:56Ah!
24:59Final line!
25:00I need a woman who understands it!
25:02James V.
25:03Why?
25:04Ugggh!
25:05James Brown Jr., press count six, seven, seven.
25:08I'm in this situation.
25:12Do something, you moron!
25:38Yeah, gotta let the people know what they're watching.
25:40Yeah, of course.
25:41You are not watching my TV.
25:43Oh, you're such a baby.
25:44I'm trying to do my thing on camera.
25:48You are not watching my TV.
25:51May!
25:54Welcome back to hour 50 of the 41st annual Jerry Clavin Archulistication Telephone.
26:03And here's your host, Jerry Clavin!
26:07Wow!
26:08Boy, are we having fun with this dread disease.
26:16Uh, Jerry, we've got a special visitor.
26:19The president of Clado International, Mr. Thurman T. Kill.
26:23Hello, Jerry.
26:25Clado International is proud to present you with this check for $20, which was collected from the 200 million generous employees from our 400,000 locations, including Miami, Seattle, Palm Springs...
26:42Now it's time to bring out an old friend of Ardual Essecation.
26:45St. Louis, the Dordone Valley...
26:46Siegfried and Poker!
26:49Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
26:50Gilbert, Macon, Philadelphia...
26:53Greetings, my clay friends.
26:55My friend Poker and I will now perform a magical act of magic that will mystify...
27:01Chester, Bronxville, Titusville, Walla Walla...
27:04Ah!
27:05...Parsanas...
27:06...Connected-y...
27:07I thought he'd never leave.
27:12Nice act.
27:13Mud McMahon, how about a timpani?
27:18$85 million.
27:21That's it?
27:21I just shot a guy out of my ass around the world.
27:25You ungrateful bastards.
27:27What do I have to do?
27:28What do I have to do to make you people happy?
27:32The 41st Annual Jerry Clavin Ardual Essecation Telethon will be back after this.
27:41First there was Bonnie and Clyde.
27:43Then there was Thelma and Louise.
27:46And now it's Antonia Timmons and James Brown Jr. in...
27:51Antonia and James.
27:53Crazy in love and in love with death.
27:56Dancing to the music of blazing bullets and turning the whole wide world into their own private hell.
28:00Why?
28:01Ah!
28:02Ha!
28:05Uh!
28:05Uh!
28:08There's a step!
28:09Oh, it's my name, man!
28:10Ah!
28:13What?
28:15Money!
28:15It's my 30th Benjamin in the bag!
28:18Ah!
28:20Ah!
28:21I'm sorry.
28:23I don't understand.
28:24Ah!
28:24Hey!
28:30Damn!
28:32My back!
28:34Hey!
28:35Everybody blowin' it!
28:36Count the three!
28:37Hit the floor!
28:37Uh!
28:38Hit the floor!
28:38Uh!
28:39Hit the floor!
28:40Say!
28:40Get your ass on the floor!
28:42Ah!
28:43Damn, baby!
28:45Come on in!
28:45Put some cap in your ass!
28:47Ah!
28:48Ah!
28:48Don't do it!
28:49Don't do it!
28:49Don't do it!
28:49Don't do it!
28:50Can I help you?
28:54Yes.
28:55Would you like me to read that note?
29:00Okay.
29:00this is a stick look are you sure you don't mean this is a stick up he did
29:13possible and Tony and James found each other one day they carved a path through
29:22the USA they robbed and killed everything in their way
29:29they're bad they're beautiful and they're coming your way this summer Antonia
29:51Timmons and James Brown Jr. are Antonia and James
29:55dear diary it's been 21 days since I've had a cup of coffee three whole weeks man I think I finally
30:15got it licked and today is the big test I'm taking a tour of the Dolgers coffee plant I'm facing the
30:22demon head-on I'm going hand-to-hand with the caffeine man okay everyone just step right this
30:29way this is the last room of our tour not the most interesting room but certainly the most fun
30:35I made it caffeine is no longer my master with the whole tour without breaking down sorry lady just
30:47the greatest moment of my life no big okay everyone and now you all know how we make our delicious
30:53blends of coffee and what a great tour it was too I might add oh well thank you very much sir but the
30:59tour is not over yet it isn't no siree Bob it's now time to taste all of the delicious coffees you saw
31:07being made today help yourselves every blend you can think of all the coffee you can drink all the coffee
31:16you can drink all the coffee you can drink all the coffee you can drink I gotta get the hell out of here
31:23sir sir you can't go in there that's a storage tank area okay everyone just relax I'll be right
31:30back I just have to take care of daddy's home look why you were hiding in the back room you bad girl
31:41well this soldier's on empty okay everyone just stay calm I'm gonna go get security
31:51you know all the coffee I can drink all the coffee I can drink all the coffee I'm sorry ma'am
31:59no it's okay no let me get that before it leaves you stay no no no no no no no no no please
32:03are you sure are you sure no put it out you lunatic oh
32:05well I guess I ought to start knocking down these little indians
32:11say pal is that a vienna roast you got over there smells like a vienna roast I couldn't help but notice
32:31and it looks to be as if somebody could use a little warm-up
32:37well it was nice talking to you
32:44wouldn't want anybody to slip
32:50you know it tastes good even with the ammonia cleaner in it
32:55that's him right there yeah no kidding uh all right buddy I'm gonna ask you to get up off the floor
33:00it's good to last drop just like advertised all right I'm gonna ask you to step away from the
33:06pots no fear no fear man in blue this is a all-you-can-drink affair
33:11take him down
33:13hey this stuff's got quite a kick to it
33:17I'm gonna have to get some of this for my personal stash
33:23okay you know what I know you're demons
33:30that's decaf lady yes it is that's the anti-coffee
33:37yes it is drink it
33:38no never
33:40I said drink it you stupid eye-popping freak
33:44enough of that would you
33:45get out of here
33:46I'm crying out loud
33:47get out
33:47say when's tomorrow's tour start
33:50I said get out
33:51dear uh dear diary
33:56I guess I fell off the wagon just a little
34:00oh well gotta go water's boiling
34:03you are now watching mad tv
34:11welcome back to the 41st annual
34:17jerry clavin argilisication telethon
34:22and now a very special friend of argilisication
34:26he has been dead for seven years but now
34:30via satellite from the hereafter
34:32mr. sammy clavis jr
34:35hey you groovy cats
34:38I'm sorry I couldn't be there in person
34:40but
34:41I just love what you're doing man
34:45excuse me
34:46if we could just harness
34:50the moisture
34:51of that beautiful man
34:54we would soon have a cure for this dreaded problem
34:57sammy
34:58you are truly knock us
35:00hey mud
35:00how about a timpani
35:01mud
35:03oh no
35:04mud
35:05mud
35:06oh my god
35:08it's spreading
35:09it must be airborne
35:10you see
35:11all of you at home
35:12I beg you cheap bastards to give
35:14but now it's too late
35:15oh baby
35:17this is so uncooked
35:20you'll never crack alone
35:26no you'll never crack alone
35:33get your ass out of bed
35:48it's time for the morning show with color
35:50the get your ass out of bed today show with your host
35:52vilma washington
35:53uh-huh
35:57I'm vilma washington
35:58now get your ass out of bed
36:01it's monday morning
36:02the time is
36:0312.01 a.m
36:07cause still nobody got to know how to set that damn clock
36:11oh well
36:12the sun's up so your ass should be out of bed anyway
36:15we got a lot of show to do
36:16with news and weather
36:17excuse me
36:18walter
36:19walter jr
36:21boy don't hear no movement
36:24don't make me come up there
36:26my baby boy is gonna be joining us just as soon as he gets his ass out of bed
36:30oh
36:32sound like it's time for the news
36:34all right now
36:37boy
36:39didn't I tell you quit throwing my paper so hard
36:42baggy pants wearing bowl head
36:44I'm trying to
36:45I'm talking to those
36:47give me them googly eyes
36:48huh
36:49where your mom at
36:50she ought to have her ass out of bed
36:51sorry y'all
36:53mm-hmm
36:56hmm
36:57mm-mm
36:59mm-mm-mm-mm-mm
37:00hear one
37:01president clinton faces charges of sexual harassment
37:06oh
37:06you let me tell you something about that bell clinton
37:09always getting up and somebody's stuff
37:11and if it ain't sniffing after them women
37:13it's them chinese
37:14looking for another free handout donation too
37:17we got them bulletproof chinese takeouts on every corner in Compton
37:21he ain't no president
37:22like my grandmama say
37:24just cause you pour syrup on a piece of bread
37:26don't make it a pancake
37:27morning mama
37:32uh
37:33what's for breakfast
37:36hmm
37:37my new late co-host reminds me
37:40that it's time to leave the news desk for our cooking segment of the show
37:43huh
37:44all right now i got it going on
37:49mom why don't you uh
37:51you're gonna make me some bacon and egg
37:53i'll tell you what
37:55i'll give you the recipe
37:57and we'll run it for the people at home
37:59eggs in the refrigerator
38:01yeah
38:01bacon's in there too
38:02whoo
38:03place in the cupboard
38:04chase
38:05then get it your own damn self
38:06you know what i'm going to ask me to make in some eggs and bacon
38:09what i look like
38:10walter baby while you're up there
38:12why don't you check the doppler radar map
38:14and tell us the weather
38:15well
38:16i see some clouds so uh
38:19hell it's gonna rain
38:20yeah but my hip ain't hurting so i doubt it
38:22let's say 25 to 30 percent chance of precipitation
38:25mama
38:26i see el nino coming through
38:28oh lord i hope they ain't gonna pee on my eyes
38:30oh
38:31senor nino
38:32get the hell out of my yard
38:34go on boy sue
38:35walter
38:36give that man some of your breakfast
38:38well it's monday morning time for the entertainment news with them hanky dinky hollywood folk
38:42you better watch it now
38:48our special guest today is martin lawrence
38:52who for some hanky dinky hollywood reason ain't here yet
38:55baby hand mama the cordless
38:57miss vilma gonna see what's up with this
39:00yeah yeah hello
39:03martin lawrence
39:04get your ass out of bed
39:06what is it
39:07vilma washington you're supposed to be here for my show
39:10oh yeah yeah yeah
39:12what's up
39:13uh look look can we do this over the phone
39:14walter he want no cam
39:15no
39:16don't you make me come down there and drag your lazy foolish moving picture ass out of bed
39:23all right all right all right i'm on my way
39:25all right baby oh and listen for the purposes of making my show go smoothly
39:29please boy do not forget your medication
39:31all right now
39:33now we're gonna take a break and come right on back
39:36with the financial news with my ex
39:38see why vilma's child support is so late
39:41yeah hello
39:42big walter
39:43what get your ass out of bed
39:45yeah
39:49yeah
39:49wow
39:51oh
39:53Why you got the brother in the background, that's what I want to know.
40:20Oh, really?
40:23You notice that I can dance and keep the beat at the same time?
40:27It's a black thing, I'll teach you later.
40:30You are mad.
40:33You are mad.
40:40All right, all right, all right, all right.
40:46Knock, knock.
40:49All right, thanks for watching.
40:51Tune in next week, everybody.
40:53Let's go!
40:55Woo!
40:56Woo!
40:57Woo!
40:58Woo!
40:59Alright, let's go!
41:00You are mad, eye!
41:01Woo!
41:02Woo!
41:03Woo!
41:04Woo!
41:05Woo!
41:06Woo!
41:07Woo!
41:08We've got someå…‰!
41:09Woo!
41:10Woo!
41:41Is it possible?
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