- 2 hours ago
Season 4 Episode 18
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:00Welcome to the show, everyone! Welcome to the show!
00:15Okay, I just want to tell you something here. Every night after the show, I go home and I, you know, peruse through magazines and newspapers for any mention of, well, me.
00:26And I was very surprised when I was thumbing through this little grocery store giveaway they call the TV Guide.
00:35And I came across this article. It says, we hear from our, this is real, we hear from our inside source that MADtv's Nicole Sullivan, and then they show this really cute picture of me.
00:46MADtv's Nicole Sullivan recently became so furious with castmate, Aerie Spears, that she said, and they quote me, that she would never do another scene with him again.
00:56Now, I want to say, when I read this I was very upset, because hand to God, I didn't even know Aerie Spears was on the show.
01:05I didn't, I didn't. And when pushed, I was actually only able to name one other cast member. And that was Antonia.
01:15Which, evidently, is a character that I play, so I don't, I don't know. But when my assistants pointed Aerie out to me, I was shocked.
01:25Because I have never had a problem with this man they call Aerie. He, he is a joy to be around, he's professional, and he is extremely funny.
01:35So, can we please bring out my good friend, Aerie Spears?
01:53That's enough, that's, that's enough hugging. Okay, see, best buddies, okay? Happy?
01:57Yeah, buddies, buddies. Uh, listen, Nicole, I, I thought we were supposed, supposed to come out together.
02:03What? Yeah, I, I guess, I don't, does it, doesn't matter, does it?
02:07Well, no, I guess not, since, you know, especially you have all the lines.
02:11Okay, see, this is what I've never liked about you, Aries, you know what I mean?
02:15It's always gotta be all about you.
02:17You know what, it, it amazes me. I mean, you come out here, you pretend to be nice and gracious and all sweet and everything.
02:22But I'm gonna tell you something, deep down inside you are a selfish little sh**.
02:25You are, you are out of your f***** damn mind.
02:28You know what, this is bull****. I can't even believe that I agreed to come here and do this. You know something?
02:32You can't teach an old b**ch new tricks.
02:37You know what, I said, I said it before and I'll say it again.
02:40I will never work with Aries Spears again!
02:43F***** you!
02:44Now, f***** you!
02:46Security!
02:48Security!
02:49Security Watcher!
02:51Security Watcher!
02:56Security Watcher, my chain is still missing.
02:59I don't trust that blue-eyed devil.
03:03No, really, that's, that's our first fight.
03:07Enjoy the show!
03:08The show!
03:09Yeah!
03:11Oh!
03:12Yeah!
03:13Yeah!
03:14Come on!
03:15Yeah!
03:16Yeah!
03:17Yeah!
03:18Come on!
03:19C'mon!
03:20C'mon!
03:21C'mon!
03:22You're so...
03:24Man!
03:25Crazy!
03:26No!
03:27No!
03:28No!
03:29No!
03:30No!
03:31No!
03:32No!
03:33No!
03:34You're so crazy
03:44You drive me down
03:48You are now watching the TV
03:59Oh, Heather
04:03Welcome to Paul Timberman's Workshop
04:05I'm Paul Timberman
04:07You know, every year on Grandpa Timberman's birthday
04:09Me and the wife and kids like to honor his memory
04:11By eating his favorite meal
04:13Cream steak
04:14Tomorrow's the day
04:16You know, I owe a debt of gratitude to Grandpa Timberman
04:20He taught me everything I know about safe woodworking
04:23And his untimely fallen into the wood chip
04:26Or a little while back
04:27Kind of shook us up
04:28All right
04:34Okay
04:36You know, the Timbermans love to eat
04:39And instead of all that rude reaching and grabbing we had last year
04:42I thought it would be real nice if I surprised them
04:45By making a nice, lovely, lazy Susan
04:47For the center of the dining room table
04:48Now, the first thing we're going to want to do
04:50Is give this lovely lady some curves
04:51Fashion this fine country missus
04:53Into a circle
04:54Before I do that
04:55Very important
04:56I'm going to put on my safety gloves
04:58Now, these gloves here are lined with a space-age type steel
05:01That'll resist even the strongest of titanium blades
05:04These suckers will take anything
05:06Which is very important
05:07Because we're going to be working with our jigsaw today
05:09Here we go
05:11Alright, well
05:19What the more we went and did there, huh?
05:23That's all right
05:23I just realized something
05:28These are my gardening gloves
05:29100% tight
05:31They're real nice, too
05:33There we are
05:34These are them titanium gloves I was telling you about
05:39You suckers
05:41And you know what?
05:49Alright, now
05:50The next thing you're going to want to do
05:51Is dress up your lazy Susan
05:52With some decorative wood bags
05:53Now we're going to do that
05:55We're going to take our steel mallet in one hand
05:57And in the other hand
05:58We're going to
05:59Alright, looks like I'm going to have to get
06:02A little bit creative here
06:03Here we go
06:05There we go
06:07All right
06:13Take your wood peg
06:15Place it where you'd like it
06:17And take a look here
06:17Look at that
06:18I've got my steel line glove on
06:20Like I was telling you about
06:21This is very important
06:22Because
06:22Yes, this is
06:23My steel line glove
06:24Just take this baby
06:27Place it where you'd like it
06:28Just give it a little gentle
06:29Tap, tap
06:29Tap, tapity
06:30Tap, tap
06:31Now, you know what?
06:33This bugger's going to need
06:34A little bit more encouragement
06:35Now, look what I did
06:38I went and hit my hand
06:40Instead of hitting the wood peg
06:41But look at that
06:41See that glove?
06:43What did I tell you?
06:43See, look at that
06:44Look at that glove
06:45See, there's no damage to that glove
06:46That's like the day I bought that thing
06:47Look at that, see?
06:48Look, give me something
06:49Down
06:50Oh boy
06:53Well
06:54That could have been a very serious accident
06:57But
06:58As you can see
06:59My thumb and forefinger are still fine
07:01Look out for the glove
07:03Look, I'm a lobster
07:06Let's get a commercial
07:12Hi, I'm Paul Timberman
07:15Of Paul Timberman's Workshop
07:16If you're like me
07:17You like turning your TV set
07:19On and off
07:20With your remote control
07:21Without ever having to leave
07:22The comfort of your favorite chair
07:23Well now
07:24Thanks to Toolco
07:26You can use that same technology
07:27To turn your power tools on and off
07:29Just watch
07:30Just look at that cut
07:38I couldn't have done it any better myself
07:40And how do you know it's a genuine Toolco remote?
07:43Just listen for the click
07:45That click tells you that
07:47Hey, we're trying to shoot a commercial here
07:49You're using them noise to tool
07:50Remember, with Toolco
07:57All your troubles are behind you
08:00All right
08:02Now
08:02To secure our finished Lazy Susan to the tabletop
08:06We're actually going to have to bolt it
08:08Right through the table
08:09Which means we're going to drill another hole
08:10Right through the center here
08:11Now normally I'd measure it
08:13But I've done this so many times
08:14I'm just going to eyeball it
08:15Let's get our stuff to drill
08:17Right there
08:20Let's hook it down
08:21There we go
08:27Any second now
08:29You're going to see that drill bit
08:31Pop up through the table
08:32Like a fairy dog's head
08:33At most times
08:34Ball Timberman is brought to you by
08:44Skyzer Permanente
08:45Skyzer Permanente
08:46Because accidents happen
08:48Maze
08:58Yo, yo, this is Maze from Polymore
09:10Hey, yo, take the bass out
09:12Why y'all got the track so fast?
09:14Y'all know I rhyme slow
09:16Chilling on the block with ice on my watch
09:33I'm chilling in all of the real hot spots
09:36That's when I seen her come in the strap top
09:39Yo, who is this girl?
09:40She's the top of the crop
09:42She's a blonde chick
09:43With the pink high heels
09:45I gotta find out
09:47If she real
09:47What the deal?
09:48I got a feeling
09:50This ain't Kansas no more
09:51I gotta question, Maze
09:53Why you always rhyme so slow?
09:55It takes a half an hour
09:56For you to get started
09:57Are you mentally ill?
09:59You're just retarded
10:01You got no skill
10:02But you had a lot of luck
10:04When I look at your face
10:05I think, what a dumb
10:06I know what you're thinking
10:10Get out of here
10:11Before these two mug me, huh?
10:14I'm just kidding, kids
10:15Relax
10:16Man, look at me
10:18I'm a white person
10:19Pretending to be a black rapper
10:21I feel just like Will Smith
10:23Just put good a phrase
10:25That time sharp as a knife
10:27Sure, you know what?
10:28It's a Vancombe light
10:30Before I forget to mention
10:44Let me call to your attention
10:46These hoes on the stand
10:47Poster girls for welfare
10:49Shaking it all with your big bubble butt
10:52You think you are that child?
10:54Yeah, you know what?
10:55I'm a Vancombe light
10:56For stuff
10:57Now it's my turn to have fun
11:00You don't have nice clothes
11:02Or cash
11:03You're just some skank
11:05White trash
11:06It's a Vancombe light
11:08Who's this poser
11:09Singing the hook?
11:11Your little ass
11:12Should be home with a book
11:14You don't be like your mama
11:15In the streets poem
11:16And stop singing
11:18Cause the sh**'s annoying
11:20It's a Vancombe light
11:21It's tired
11:22And guess what?
11:23Skank
11:24You fired
11:25Okay
11:28Well
11:29Thanks for letting me wrap with you
11:31Bloisha
11:32Ladies
11:33Good luck finding your babies
11:34Daddies
11:35And gentlemen
11:36Enjoy prison
11:37Take care
11:38And now it's time for
11:48Dishing the Dirt
11:49With your hostesses
11:50Malina and Lita
11:51All right everybody
11:53It's time to dish the dirt
11:54I am Malina
11:55And this is Lita
11:57And we're here
11:58Don't forget about our other host
11:59Stupid
12:00What are you talking about stupid?
12:02Our other host
12:03Papi
12:03Hello papi
12:04Hello papi
12:05Well the only reason you call it papi
12:07Is because he looks like your father
12:08Shut up
12:09He does not
12:10All right maybe a little
12:12Okay now this is our gossip show
12:15And we're gonna dish the dirt
12:16We're gonna gossip
12:19And then we're gonna talk about stuff
12:23And stuff
12:24And the first person we're gonna talk about
12:27Is that lawyer girl
12:29Ali McBeal
12:30Oh my god
12:33She needs a makeover bag
12:36Yeah her tatoes are even smaller than mine
12:38And all those sharp ugly balls sticking out all over
12:41Stupid
12:42What is your man gonna bounce on?
12:44That's right
12:45Okay she should eat something
12:46You know
12:47Okay I heard
12:47I heard that once
12:49She was sitting there
12:52And there was a cheeseburger
12:53In front of her
12:54And she didn't need it
12:56Oh my god
12:56She's so stupid
12:57Why is she so stupid?
12:59Okay I love cheeseburgers
13:00I like the ones
13:03That you could get at that place
13:04That place where you could um
13:06Oh
13:06You could drive through it
13:08How about your way?
13:08No no not that place
13:09You could drive through it
13:11You could drive through it
13:12I love this place
13:13No no not that place
13:14That place you gotta get out of the car
13:15This place you could just drive through it
13:17Oh
13:18Oh
13:18Oh
13:19Oh
13:19Oh
13:20Oh
13:20Oh
13:21Oh
13:21Oh
13:22You want fries with that?
13:23Yeah that place
13:24Oh stupid
13:24That's the how about your way place
13:26All right
13:26Sorry
13:27I mean I'm hungry talking about it
13:29Oh no no
13:30We're gonna go eat afterwards
13:31You know what I'm saying
13:31Oh and Addie McBeal
13:33You should come with us
13:34Yeah
13:34Yeah
13:34And Addie
13:35If you come with us
13:37I could share my kibbles and bits with you
13:39Oh my god
13:40You're so sweet pop
13:41Please be cute
13:42Yeah we screwed up
13:42The first 300 times you did it
13:44Why don't you shut up
13:45You're using her
13:46That's right
13:46Okay okay
13:47So here's what bony ass
13:49Would look like
13:49After a makeover from us
13:51Except I'd make her eat a pound of butter
13:55Yeah
13:56All right
13:57Who we're gonna talk about now
13:58Oh
13:59We're gonna talk about
14:00This loka
14:02Oh my god
14:03Oh my god
14:03You know about her right
14:05Right
14:05Right
14:06You know what she likes
14:07Right
14:07You know what she likes
14:08I'm listening
14:09Right
14:09She likes tetas
14:11Oh my god
14:12Oh my god
14:13Oh kikaroli eats fish
14:15Oh my god
14:16Oh dang
14:16Oh dang
14:17All right
14:18All right
14:18I mean I love you Lili and stuff
14:20But I could never
14:21I mean I love you too
14:23But you know
14:23There's no woman
14:25Know what I could
14:26No
14:26No
14:26Well maybe
14:26Except for Selena
14:28Ay
14:29Que Linda
14:30Selena
14:31Selena we love you wherever you are
14:33She's in heaven stupid
14:34All right
14:35Okay
14:35So here's what that lesbiana
14:37And hash would look like
14:38After a makeover from Lila and Melina
14:41She looks so good now
14:44Maybe she can finally get herself a man
14:46Yeah
14:47But not you papi
14:48That's right
14:49Cause you're my man
14:49Aren't you
14:51Yes
14:51Oh my god
14:52Yes
14:52All right
14:54Now it's time for our contest
14:56To decide who's cuter
14:58Okay
14:58My favorite
14:59Antonio Sabato Jr
15:01Or
15:02The much muy finer
15:04Antonio Banderas
15:06Oh my god
15:07He's like muy much finer
15:08They should call him Antonio Bearass
15:10He's not finer
15:11Because
15:11Because he's married to that lady
15:14With that stupid voice
15:15Yeah
15:16Yeah
15:16But my Antonio's like muy much finer
15:18Because like he's a real man
15:20And yours is just a junior
15:21Yeah
15:22But
15:22Yeah
15:23But yours is so ugly
15:25That they made him wear a mask
15:26In that movie
15:27He's so ugly
15:28Oh my god
15:29I take it back
15:29I take it back
15:30I take it back
15:30They're both cute
15:31They're both cute
15:32Okay
15:32Like since we can't decide
15:33Because they're both really cute
15:35Yeah
15:35We can't tell you
15:36Who's like muy much ugly
15:37Rosa you skanky ass slut
15:40Rosa still my boyfriend Maurice
15:42We get you
15:42Yeah
15:43I'm gonna sit
15:44Sit papi on you
15:45Yeah
15:50You tell her
15:51Will you tell her
15:51We're gonna sit papi on you
15:53And he's gonna chew on your neck
15:54Like a chicken bone
15:55Yeah
15:55And then we're gonna use your head
15:56Like a pinata
15:57Yeah
15:57Oh remember when you got me one of them
15:59For my birthday
16:00That's because you're my girl
16:01I love you
16:01I love you too
16:02Come here
16:02Come here
16:03Come here
16:03And don't get any ideas on
16:07Hey, she let's be enough
16:09Yeah
16:09Come here
16:10Come here
16:10Your taters are so big
16:13Yeah, but what?
16:23Let's get ready to rumble
16:25That will be all, Jeffrey
16:41I'm bored
16:46Well, what do you want to do?
16:48I don't know
16:49I just feel lazy
16:51Well, then why don't we play
16:52The new game Welfare?
16:54A game called Welfare?
16:56Isn't that politically incorrect?
16:58Well, yes
16:59That's why it's so much fun
17:02Welfare
17:05The fun new board game
17:07That's just like Monopoly
17:08But it's Welfare
17:10I'll be the little crack baby
17:12I'm going to be the Jerry Springer show
17:14I'll be the whiskey bottle
17:16And I'll be the government cheese
17:18Ooh
17:21There you go
17:22Okay
17:23I passed the county building
17:25I'd like my $200 in food stamps, please
17:28Hey, don't buy any liquor with that, huh?
17:31Liquor?
17:31No, no, no
17:32I'm going to buy food for my family
17:34Oh, right
17:36Yeah, okay
17:37Oh, we're laughing because it's true
17:40The object of Welfare is to milk the Welfare system for as long as you can
17:48You landed on my project with six kids
17:51That'll be $17.52 pay up
17:54Oh, darn
17:59A tornado just destroyed my trailer park again
18:01I'm homeless
18:03If that were real life, that would be tragic
18:05But it's not
18:07But it's not
18:08No
18:08No
18:14I just got a job at Burger King
18:16A job?
18:18Well, that means you're off welfare
18:19And out of the game
18:21Bye-bye
18:22Bye-bye
18:22Bye-bye
18:23Who knew poverty could be this much fun?
18:27This game is making me sad
18:29Just kidding
18:31Welfare, the new game by the Council of Conservative White Citizens
18:39The makers of Immigrants Out
18:41And no-mo-homo
18:43Ladies and gentlemen
18:49On February 6th
18:50On this very stage
18:52People everywhere witnessed Bret Hart
18:54Attacking the cast of Mad TV
18:56In particular, Will Sasso
18:59Two days later
19:00On WCW Monday Nitro
19:02He got his revenge
19:04By helping Rowdy Roddy Piper
19:06Defeat Bret Hart
19:07For the WCW
19:08U.S. Heavyweight Championship
19:10Then
19:11On Monday Nitro
19:12On February 15th
19:13In Tampa, Florida
19:14Sasso and Hart
19:16Went one-on-one
19:18Six minutes into the match
19:19Debra Wilson
19:21Ambushed Will with a chair
19:22And as he lay beaten on the canvas
19:24Bret Hart
19:25And Debra celebrated
19:27That brings us
19:28To Mad TV here tonight
19:30An arm wrestling challenge
19:32Ladies and gentlemen
19:34Let's get ready to rumble
19:38Coming to the stage
19:43She's the 1997 British Columbia
19:46Canada
19:47Under-200 patron
19:48Bar-arm wrestling champ
19:50Here is
19:51Will
19:52Sasso
19:55And now, ladies and gentlemen
20:02His opponent
20:03Accompanied to the ring
20:04By Debra Wilson
20:05A star who needs
20:07No introduction anywhere
20:08Known the world over
20:09Ladies and gentlemen
20:10Bret
20:11The Hitman
20:13HAAA
20:13Oh, stop
20:23Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
20:24Hey
20:24What's with the crutches?
20:26Hold on
20:26I gotta pull groin, Sasso, all right?
20:28What do you mean?
20:29You gotta pull
20:29What?
20:29Are you gonna bow out now?
20:31You know what?
20:31You just want
20:31You know what?
20:32The problem is
20:32He just doesn't want me to embarrass him
20:34In front of all these people
20:35Isn't that what?
20:35Shut up!
20:36Shut up!
20:36Shut up!
20:36You said he's
20:36You said he's
20:37You said he's
20:37You said he's
20:37You said he's
20:38You said he's
20:38You said he's
20:38You said he's
20:39You said he's
20:39No, you said he's
20:40You said he's
20:40You said he's
20:40You said he's
20:40No, you shut up
20:41No, you shut up
20:42Don't touch me
20:44Don't touch me, Will
20:45You know what?
20:45As a matter of fact
20:46As a matter of fact
20:46Before we even do this
20:47I want to show you guys
20:48Before the match in Tampa
20:50I got some news for you
20:51Roll this foot
20:52David, roll the footage
20:53That I got
20:53That I brought
20:54Look at that
20:55Oh, did they look familiar?
20:57Look at that
20:57Who's that conversing there, huh?
20:59You don't know the deal
21:00I don't know the deal
21:01No, you don't know the deal
21:02You never call this
21:02I know what the deal is
21:04See?
21:04I happen to be
21:05You guys were together
21:05Right from the start
21:06Before we even did it
21:07But that's crap
21:08I happen to be behind stage
21:09Do you know what I was talking about?
21:11I was asking him to stop the match
21:12From getting your ass whooped
21:14And then here I am
21:15Standing behind stage
21:16Trying to prove myself to you
21:18And what do you do?
21:19You start yelling at me
21:20In front of everybody backstage
21:21Well, look what you did
21:22Right before the match
21:23And here I am
21:24Standing there
21:24Crying in front of people
21:25Didn't care that I was embarrassed
21:27You know what?
21:28I don't care what you thought
21:29You deserve to get hurt
21:30You deserve to get hurt
21:30Get out of my face
21:32You deserve to get hurt
21:34You deserve to get hurt
21:36You shut up
21:37You stay out of this
21:38You never tell me to shut up
21:39You want to pee this thing, big man?
21:40I've already taken all you've got
21:42All right?
21:42Oh, there's always a little more
21:43There's always more fun
21:44Do it, Brett
21:45Get out of the way
21:45Touch me
21:46Come on, let's do it
21:50What are we doing here?
21:51All right, guys
21:51I gave you your instructions
21:54Back in the locker room
21:55Let's keep this clean
21:57Yeah, Hart
21:58Keep it clean, Hart
21:59What are you looking at me for
22:01When you say that?
22:02Because he wants you to keep it clean, obviously
22:03Why don't you want my hands to run through your greasy hair?
22:07That's why they're so clean
22:08Set your grips
22:13When I release, start wrestling
22:16He's got to wash those
22:17I can't
22:17What are you talking about?
22:19Can we go?
22:21You're not even limping now
22:22Look at this
22:22This is just stupid
22:23Just do it
22:24It's television
22:26We don't get all kinds of time
22:27This isn't a three-hour show, bro
22:29Let's go
22:30Another lesson
22:31Let's go
22:31Ah, Brett
22:33Best there is
22:35Come on, Brett
22:36Let's go over there
22:37Hey
22:38Wrestle
22:39Set
22:40One
22:41Two
22:41One
22:41Two
22:42Two
22:42Three
22:43Two
22:44Three
22:45Two
22:46Three
22:47Two
22:48Three
22:49Two
22:50Three
22:51Two
22:52Three
22:53Two
22:54Three
22:55Three
22:56Two
22:57Three
22:58Three
22:59Three
23:00Two
23:01Two
23:02Two
23:03Three
23:06Three
23:11Three
23:11Two
23:12One
23:12Two
23:13One
23:14Two
23:15Two
23:16Two
23:18Three
23:18Two
23:18Four
23:19Four
23:21Four
23:22Four
23:22Three
23:23Six
23:23One
23:24One
23:25Ten
23:25One
23:26Ten
23:27Ten
23:27Ten
23:27Two
23:28One
23:29Three
23:29owany
23:29Whoa! Whoa!
23:31Yeah!
23:33Yeah!
23:35Yeah!
23:37No!
23:39What the hell is this?
23:43Get him the heck out of here.
23:45Deborah, I wanna talk to you.
23:47I wanna talk to you.
23:49I wanna talk to you.
23:51I wanna talk to you.
23:53I wanna talk to both, you know.
23:55I wanna talk to...
23:59Hey, Stuart, I need you right up on that cubicle over there.
24:03Let me do.
24:05Right up on the tiger.
24:15Well, that was fun, wasn't it?
24:17Okay, your pictures are gonna be ready in about two weeks.
24:19Thanks again. You are so good with children.
24:21Oh, that's very sweet of you.
24:23You are very photogenic, Graham.
24:25That's why.
24:27Take care now. Bye.
24:29Bye.
24:31Hello, I'm Doreen Larkin. I have a two o'clock appointment.
24:35Oh, okay.
24:37That's right, you're bringing your little boy in.
24:39Yes, he's such a cutie.
24:41Oh, I'm sure he is. Where is he?
24:43Well, he was here with me a second ago.
24:45There he is by the fudge counter.
24:47Stuart!
24:49Stuart!
24:51Now it's time to get your picture taken!
25:01Stuart, were you eating fudge?
25:05You're not lying to Mama, are you?
25:07No.
25:08No, because what does Mama say about the liars?
25:11I don't want to say.
25:13What does Mama say about the liars?
25:15Say it!
25:17The soul of a liar is black like poop.
25:23That's right, like Daddy.
25:25Yeah.
25:26His father left us on Tuesday.
25:28Oh, I'm so sorry.
25:30Go ahead and meet the photographer.
25:32Hi, Stuart.
25:33Look at you, aren't you sweet?
25:35I'm just going to take off a little bit.
25:37No!
25:38No, it's okay.
25:39We're used to messy faces.
25:40It's okay.
25:41No!
25:42Stuart, I can't take your picture without the chocolates.
25:44Oh, for gosh sake, Stuart, hold still now.
25:50There you go.
25:52Oh, yeah.
25:54Oh.
25:55See, now isn't he handsome?
25:59Hello?
26:02Mm-hmm.
26:03Okay, Stuart, I need you right up on that cubicle over there.
26:07Let me do it.
26:08Stuart, get up on the tiger.
26:09Let me do it.
26:10Right up on the tiger.
26:11Let me do it.
26:12Let me do it.
26:13Just not down, but up, Stuart.
26:14Let me do it on the tiger.
26:16Let me do it on the tiger.
26:17Let me do it, Stuart.
26:18Okay, right up on the tiger.
26:20Gwen!
26:21Let me do it.
26:24Let me do it.
26:25Scooch!
26:26Mm-mm!
26:27Okay, Stuart, I need you to chuck your legs behind you.
26:28Oh!
26:29We'll have none of that, mister.
26:30Uh-oh.
26:31Stuart, I'm sorry I yelled at you.
26:32Stuart, what's wrong?
26:33Uh-oh.
26:34Ew.
26:35Stuart, I'm sorry I yelled at you.
26:36Stuart, what's wrong?
26:37Uh-oh.
26:38Oh.
26:39Oh.
26:40Oh.
26:41Oh.
26:42Oh.
26:43Oh.
26:44Oh.
26:45Oh.
26:46Oh.
26:47Oh.
26:48Oh.
26:49Oh.
26:50Oh.
26:51Oh.
26:52Oh.
26:53Oh.
26:54Oh.
26:55Oh.
26:56I'm in my dark place.
26:59What?
27:00Oh, boy.
27:01Yeah.
27:02There's not enough fudge in the world to get him out of his dark place.
27:06Well, I've got an idea.
27:07Stuart.
27:08Stuart, I've got an idea.
27:09Would you like to be a cowboy?
27:13Would you like to be a cowboy?
27:15I want to be a cowboy.
27:16Okay, good.
27:17You want to be a cowboy?
27:18I want to be a cowboy.
27:19Great.
27:20Okay, there's a cowboy costume right in there.
27:21I want to be a cowboy.
27:22If you go in there, you can change into the cowboy outfit.
27:24Oh, sorry.
27:27Giddy up.
27:28Let me do it.
27:32Look what I can do.
27:37Oh.
27:39Isn't he adorable?
27:41Well, you're so good with children.
27:43You even got a dipsy doodle out of them.
27:46Lucky me, huh?
27:48Yeah.
27:49You don't see dipsy doodles like that every day.
27:51Well...
27:56I'm sorry.
27:57I'm sorry.
27:58What?
27:59Oh!
28:00Oh!
28:01Oh!
28:02Oh!
28:03Oh!
28:04Oh!
28:05Oh!
28:09This is the cowboy costume.
28:10What kind of picture place is this?
28:12No, no, no.
28:13There's pants and a shirt that go with it, Stuart.
28:16Well, Stuart, where's the pants and shirt?
28:19They were itchy.
28:21Well, you go put them on.
28:22Go on.
28:23I don't want to put them on.
28:24I don't want to put them on.
28:25I don't want to put them on.
28:26You've got to go get the pants and shirt on now.
28:27You've got to get your go-go all over the tiger.
28:35Yeah, well, somebody's had some sour ball soup, huh?
28:39It's all right.
28:40Just go ahead and frame it from the neck up.
28:44But...
28:45But then we'll just have a big picture of his face.
28:52Are you sure that's what you want?
28:54Oh, it'll be adorable, yeah?
28:56Okay, whatever you say, Mrs. Larkin.
28:59Okay.
29:00Stuart, although this is a very handsome pose, do you know any other poses?
29:06Yes.
29:07Okay, good.
29:09Look at that.
29:10That's very...
29:11Nuh-uh.
29:13All right.
29:14You know what?
29:15That's fine.
29:16Let's just go ahead and shoot this puppy.
29:19Excuse me, Mrs. Larkin.
29:21Excuse me.
29:22You too.
29:23Get there.
29:24Okay, Stuart, I need you to look into the camera and smile.
29:28Look...
29:30Smile.
29:31All right.
29:33Stuart, hi.
29:34I need you to smile.
29:36You know what helps some of us?
29:38Can you think of something that makes you happy?
29:42What makes you happy, Stuart?
29:47Fudge.
29:50Okay.
29:51Fudge, great.
29:52Mrs. Larkin, please.
29:53Fudge.
29:54Okay.
29:55I need you to think of fudge and look into the camera.
29:59Look into the camera.
30:00I am looking into the camera.
30:02Okay.
30:03Okay.
30:04I need...
30:05Okay.
30:06Okay.
30:07Okay.
30:08Okay.
30:09I need...
30:10Okay.
30:11Okay.
30:12I need you to think of fudge and smile.
30:14Smile.
30:15I am smiling.
30:16Oh.
30:17That's a good one.
30:18Take the picture.
30:19Okay.
30:20What?
30:21Stuart, I need to smile bigger.
30:22And bigger.
30:24Okay, Stuart.
30:26Smile the biggest yet.
30:27One, two, three.
30:30Yeah.
30:31Yeah.
30:32Yeah.
30:33Yeah!
30:34Yeah!
30:35That's all.
30:36Yeah!
30:37Yeah!
30:38Yeah!
30:39In the 1970s, a funkified badass walked the earth.
30:42Here comes, sony-doglamite!
30:44Man!
30:45in the 1907s a mean-eyed mother sucker walked the earth and the hunkies was afraid of that
31:00name and that name was dolomite for too long the world has needed his bad assitude and where has
31:07it gone where has it gone dolomite we need you dolomite dolomite dolomite a nightly dolomite jr the
31:22new king of the streets so the world better get around if they don't know by now soon they will
31:28know that you are the baddest son of a bitch in town now that's been said sit back and enjoy
31:37your riches because tonight we got us two badass white bitches i can dig it who that is it's the sheriff
31:50we know you're in there with them white girls we ain't want to hurt you some bitches we just want
31:55the cane they want my pimp cane because they got the power to get them tricks and they married at us
32:02because they women want our big black i finally got your black ass and now we're the oh my god jenny
32:13hi daddy that's right sheriff i did your sweet daughter last night i had your wife
32:21and now it's me you want to slaughter kill that old bitches son watch out junior
32:29damn it that negro made me shoot your daughter jenny negro
32:38daddy daddy get out of here son for this cracker feel you full of land i need you to carry on my legacy
32:59won't do me no good if your black ass is dead i'm killed
33:04you know pop you ain't never been more right the world better watch out because here comes
33:12the son of donor mike
33:13look here detective lady
33:22the sheriff's got my pimp cane but he's gonna pay tonight at eight o'clock at the sheriff's station
33:29in pasadena i can dig it i've been waiting to bust his crooked ass for a long time racketeering
33:36money laundering he's even got my wife whoring and she is the best whore thank you dola my junior
33:43well it looks like dola my junior thinks he's gonna get his pimp cane back
33:50so what are you gonna do sheriff well when dola my junior shows up here at eight o'clock tonight
33:57i'll have a little surprise for him
34:00deputy i want you to meet the martial arts guy
34:12so you're the martial arts guy huh are you ready for dola my junior he's big and black you know
34:20no man is big and black enough for my
34:23skills
34:31queen bee you as as beautiful as ever you know the sheriff took my pimp cane
34:48yes i know
34:51you know the sheriff is having a party tonight at the station at eight o'clock tonight in pasadena
34:57thank you queen of the info
35:04you know you look just like your father
35:11like father like son i do whatever he used to do
35:15you messed around with my daddy so that means i got to do you too
35:20the sheriff's wife is a nympho
35:27thank you queen for that info
35:33tell me nympho
35:37who is this karate mother trucker
35:41i'm not telling you nothing
35:44yeah we'll try some of this
35:51tell me about the martial arts guy tell me about the martial arts guy
35:55the martial arts guy is a specialist in karate
35:58and he's gonna kill you tonight at eight o'clock at the sheriff station in pasadena
36:03tonight
36:16tonight
36:23Let's go!
36:53OH!
36:55OOF!
36:57OOF!
36:59OOF!
37:01OOF!
37:03BLEEP!
37:05BLEEP!
37:07ME!
37:09BLEEP!
37:11BLEEP!
37:13Tonight, the Sherry Station, in Pasadena!
37:17Tonight!
37:19The Sherry Station, in Pasadena!
37:21Passavita. Passavita. Passavita.
37:38Hold it right there, Cheryl.
37:40You're gonna feel some hurt and experience some pain.
37:43I'm gonna kick your ass to get my cake.
37:47I know about this.
37:49Ooh, I know he know karate, but I know black judo.
37:56You don't know I'm gonna use my skills to hurt somebody.
38:01Yeah, yeah.
38:03Give me his blanket.
38:04Hey!
38:05Hey!
38:05Oh, my God.
38:35This is the end of the line for you, boy.
38:46No.
38:48This is the end of the line for you.
38:51I finally got your big ass.
38:54Now, where's my wife?
38:56Wait, she know what?
38:57You know where the hell you think she is?
39:00She's at work.
39:01Get him out of here.
39:05Nice work, Dolomite Jr.
39:12What once was bad is back to being the same.
39:15I feel like a brand new man.
39:17Got my cape.
39:19My father's legacy will live on morning, noon, and night.
39:23If you didn't know my name, now you do.
39:26Because I'm the son of Dolomite.
39:28You are me.
39:43You are me.
39:48You are me.
39:49Thank you, guys, for watching our show.
39:52Mom and dad, you can turn the TV off now and go to bed.
39:55Good night, everybody.
39:55Yes.
39:56Everybody.
40:14Oh!
40:17Oh!
40:18Oh!
40:19Oh!
40:20Oh!
40:20Oh!
40:21Oh!
40:22Oh!
40:52I'm sorry.
40:54Deborah, I'm sorry.
40:56I didn't want you to get hurt because I care about you, okay?
41:00I love you.
41:02I mean, we were always good friends, and I just didn't want to see you get hurt because
41:06I knew that he was going to do something really bad to you.
41:08All right, all right.
41:09I love you, too.
41:10All right, now there's only one thing left that you've got to do, and let me help you
41:18out here with that.
41:19You've got to take her and hit her over the back of the chair.
41:22No, no, no, no.
41:23Oh, yeah, no, no.
41:24Oh, no, you've got to do it.
41:26Believe me.
41:27It's the only way.
41:28It's therapy.
41:29It's therapy.
41:30No, it isn't.
41:31Oh, it's really, really.
41:32Listen, it is the only way to do it.
41:34Believe me, it's therapy.
41:35You've got to do it here.
41:37Do it, guys.
41:38Do it.
41:39It's therapy.
41:40Do it.
41:41Go there.
41:42Do it.
41:43This is the end of the line for you, boy.
41:45All right.
41:46Bye.
41:47Bye.
41:48Bye.
41:49Bye.
41:50Bye.
41:51Bye.
41:52Bye.
41:53Bye.
41:54Bye.
41:55Bye.
41:56Bye.
41:57Bye.
41:58Bye.
41:59Bye.
42:00Bye.
42:01Bye.
42:02Bye.
42:03Bye.
42:04Bye.
42:05Bye.
42:06Bye.
42:07Bye.
42:08Bye.
42:09Bye.
42:10Bye.
42:11Bye.
42:12Bye.
42:13Bye.
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