MADtv S01E01

Mad TV

Season 1 Episode 1  madtv reality playboy

Transcript

00:00All right, what's next?

00:06Man TV, sir.

00:07How's it look?

00:08Terrific.

00:08The sponsors are all lined up, sir.

00:10And the affiliates are as excited as hell, sir.

00:12Good, good, good.

00:13We've got publicity going full throttle, sir.

00:15Great.

00:16How about merchandising?

00:17We have got everything from Alfred E. Newman beer hats to what me worry sports bras.

00:21Good, good.

00:22Sounds like you guys got everything under control, huh?

00:24How's the cast?

00:28There is a cast.

00:29Isn't there?

00:30Yeah, of course there is.

00:32And they're funny.

00:33They're very funny.

00:34They're hysterical.

00:35Good.

00:36They better be.

00:37Your butts depend on it.

00:52Anybody here ever done any acting?

00:56You.

00:57In the back.

00:57Yeah, what do you do?

00:58House painting.

00:59I'm gardening.

01:00I can drive that truck.

01:01Right, okay.

01:02Boring.

01:02Can you dance?

01:03Do any impressions?

01:04Come on, work with me, people.

01:06I'll do anything.

01:07I just need to work.

01:08You're a desperate guy.

01:10It's a great character.

01:11All right, all right, all right.

01:11You're in.

01:12Hey, you.

01:13Yeah, yeah, you.

01:14Yeah, what do you do?

01:15I'm a veteran.

01:17Go for it.

01:18Any flashbacks?

01:19Voices?

01:20Non-non-stop, man.

01:22Taylor.

01:23Taylor, you ain't no veteran.

01:23I know in my whole life you ain't no veteran.

01:25Let me know down to me.

01:27I am too, baby.

01:27There's girls everywhere.

01:30Oh, that's funny.

01:33Let's go.

01:33Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.

01:38Hey, hey, hey, hey.

01:48Want a date?

01:49You got any talent?

01:50Oh, yeah, baby.

01:52For the right price, we're going to put on a show you will never forget.

01:55Show?

01:55That's perfect.

01:56All right, you're in, girlfriend.

01:57Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

01:58I happen to be the lady's short-term relationship consultant.

02:01You see what I'm saying?

02:02Where they go, I go.

02:03You know what I'm saying?

02:04Right, okay.

02:05I think this can work.

02:09I'm doing, I'm doing business.

02:11Hello.

02:12Hello.

02:12They're not paying for nothing.

02:13I love you, baby.

02:14I love you, daughter.

02:16You're the best woman in the whole world.

02:17Get to the back of the truck.

02:18Why don't you step off, buddy?

02:20Why don't you step off?

02:21Why don't you step off?

02:21Hey, you want to be on a TV show?

02:27Sure.

02:27I got nothing better to do.

02:31Oh, dear God!

02:33Oh, dear God!

02:33Come on!

02:48Come on for that.

02:49I like the sweet, baby.

02:51I like the sweet.

02:52Woo!

02:53I love you, I love you, I love you

03:23I love you

03:53I love you, I love you

04:23I love you, I love you, I love you

04:41Thank you very much, Harry.

04:46Hi there. Welcome to the show, and thanks for coming down.

04:49This is our first show, and we really want you guys to have a good time.

04:53Yep.

04:54That's why we're handing out free beer to everyone in the audience.

05:01Hey, it worked for the premiere of Nightline.

05:05Ladies and gentlemen, Brian the keg.

05:11Well, now, please, don't get the wrong idea.

05:16We don't want people drinking and driving.

05:18So we've got free cabs home for everybody.

05:24We also have a surprise, a world-exclusive, something you've all been waiting for.

05:28At 11.31, Kato Kaelin will finally speak his mind right here on the show.

05:35Mm-hmm.

05:36So enjoy yourselves.

05:37And we want to thank our friends at Budweiser for making this whole thing possible.

05:41That's right.

05:42So stick around, because we're going to be right back.

05:44Peace!

05:45Peace!

05:46Peace!

05:47Peace!

05:48Peace!

05:49Peace!

05:50Peace!

05:59Peace!

06:01Peace!

06:02Peace!

06:04Yee-haw!

06:34You are now watching the TV.

06:43Hey! Welcome to Vencom. How may I help you?

06:50Hi, I'm looking to buy a lipstick.

06:52Okay, we've got our newest color, which has just come out at the Rose.

06:55Let me just try this on you.

06:58Jah! You know what?

07:01What?

07:02Mm-mm.

07:04No, that's not gonna work. Yeah, your lips are just way too thin.

07:07See, we here at Vancom, we really wouldn't feel comfortable about putting our names on those things.

07:12Well, okay, thanks for stopping by, Vancom. Thanks so much. Take care. Bye-bye. Thank you. Okay.

07:19Hi, welcome to Vancom. How may I help you?

07:22Yeah, I'm looking for a gift from my wife.

07:24Aren't you just so considerate. Okay, let me ask you a question.

07:27Is your wife an Afro-American as well?

07:31Yeah, she is.

07:33Yeah, you know what?

07:35Yeah, no, that's not gonna work. See, we here at Vancom, we don't specialize in plaques.

07:43But thanks for stopping by. Thanks so much. Sorry. Take care. Bye-bye. Okay, thank you.

07:49Hi, welcome to Vancom. How may I help you?

07:51Yes, thank you. I would like to look at your different colors of blotch. I have a party to go to.

07:55Okay, ma'am. Ma'am, I'm sorry. I don't understand your accent.

07:58Oh, I said, I have a party to go to. Sorry.

08:01Okay, ma'am, ma'am, we speak English at Vancom. English.

08:04But I am speaking English.

08:06Yeah, no, you're gonna have to go. No, thank you.

08:09Vamanos, for favor. Thank you.

08:11Okay, bye-bye. Thank you.

08:13I can't understand. La, la, la, la.

08:15Oh, no. La, la, la, la. Thank you. La, la, la, la, la.

08:19Kathy, what is going on here?

08:21I can tell you exactly what is happening.

08:24She is very rude to this poor woman. She made racial remarks.

08:28She's treated her horribly and early as she insulted me.

08:32I am so sorry.

08:34Kathy, this isn't the first time this has happened.

08:37I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You're fired.

08:45Okay, thanks so much for employing me here at Vancom.

08:48Okay, great. Thank you very much. Thanks.

08:50Take care. Bye-bye. Thank you.

08:53Okay. Now, how can I help you?

08:56Yes, thank you very much.

08:57I would like to look at your different colors of blotch.

08:59I'm sorry, I can't understand you. We speak English here at Vancom.

09:01Ay, but I am speaking English.

09:03What's the matter with you people?

09:05I am telling you, I never expect that.

09:07Don't you stop it and la, la, la.

09:09Oh, no, no. Just stop them.

09:11This is unfortunate.

09:15Yo, you call this justice?

09:17Send another innocent brother to the gas chambers?

09:20Yeah, well, you can kill me, but you can't shut me up.

09:23Save your breath, G.

09:25Brothers like us was born for the grave.

09:29Ah!

09:32And cut.

09:34That was great, fellas.

09:36Can we do something with lighting people?

09:38Tea's coming out too cafe au lait.

09:41Makeup?

09:43Same old, same old.

09:46It's what it's like to be a black man in America.

09:52Life is hard.

09:54Being a rap and a movie star means living on the edge.

09:56And danger's never too far.

09:57Don't stop up just to get me down.

09:59Ice cube, ice tea, smoking up you clowns.

10:02Ice tea's the man.

10:04You understand?

10:05Don't want no ifs or buts.

10:06We want 40s in our right hand.

10:08Why the hell you take off the cap?

10:10Get whacked with a match.

10:12I feel the smack of the pimp slap.

10:14My agent tells me you the best and the baddest.

10:16Well, why ain't I the uncle on Family Matters?

10:18Cube, don't fear, though.

10:19I just roll your televalet to bring round my Volvo.

10:23Good health.

10:24It's so hard to find.

10:26Hey, y'all chill.

10:27I need a little bit of me time.

10:33Try to jack me for my ducats and you know what you find, G.

10:36My wagon's in a circle and my nookin' is right behind me.

10:39Hoover, Hoover, Meridian Stein.

10:41They got their minds on my money and my money on their mind.

10:44We'll be concealing your financial license

10:45and several offshore corporations.

10:47Depositing liquid funds in banks with unregistered declarations.

10:49Me got it the best defense that money can ever buy.

10:52But, Dom, it still ain't easy, Bianna.

10:54It ain't easy bein' chubby, I don't wanna be fat.

10:57Chubby's too cute, you ain't down with that.

11:00Lovable, huggable, and totin' the gap.

11:02Cube sweatin' to the OJ, I'm down with that.

11:05It's hard livin' large and keepin' your credibility.

11:08Damn!

11:09It is really quite difficult bein' me.

11:15Excuse me, Isis?

11:18Ready for another take?

11:20Yeah, I guess so.

11:21Yo, what's our character motivation again?

11:23You're poor, uneducated black men, and you're angry.

11:26Angry that the man is keeping you down.

11:29Hmm.

11:30I'm gonna need a minute.

11:32Yo, where's my acting coat?

11:36Uh, that's ten.

11:37Coming up on the Fox News at midnight.

11:42A 911 operator abandons a desperate plea for help.

11:46Here is the actual recorded call to 911.

11:49Hi, thanks for calling 911.

11:52How may I help you?

11:53He's in my house!

11:54Help me!

11:55Ma'am, I'm sorry.

11:56We here at 911 don't like to be yelled at.

12:00You're going to have to tell whoever shootin' the gun to please quiet down.

12:04Please, he's in my house!

12:05Yeah, you know what?

12:06Uh-uh, I'm sorry, this is not gonna work.

12:09Stay away from me!

12:10Okay, why don't you take some time to calm down.

12:12And when you're ready to have a conversation, call again.

12:16Okay, bye-bye.

12:18Thanks for calling 911.

12:22Hmm.

12:23I hate to see that happen.

12:25All this and panda-manium at the zoo.

12:29Coming up on the Fox News at midnight.

12:40The Fox News at midnight.

12:41labo, labo, labo, labo, labo, labo, labo, labo.

12:59Mira-lag, labo, labo, labo, labo, labo, labo.

13:02cravings orι anLES

13:04없습니다.

13:05Back soon, even now?

13:06You need no tahu.

13:07It's not worth it.

13:08Give a deinen calcary or bad luck overnight.

13:09izan les�$$eks Nothing.

13:10In just 15 minutes, Kato Kaelin will finally speak his mind.

13:29You are now watching the TV.

13:59Hi, my name is Nicole Sullivan.

14:25I just wanted to tell you about the first time I read Mad Magazine.

14:35I was 8 years old, and it was in the waiting room of the child psychology department at

14:42the free clinic.

14:45It was shortly after my father's accident.

14:51Social services told my mom that maybe I should talk to someone, and I told the puppets that

15:01I told them that my brother didn't know the gun was loaded.

15:05I remember I was sitting in the waiting room, and all the other kids were reading Spy vs. Spy,

15:11and laughing, and laughing, and all I could think was,

15:15was, run, Daddy, run!

15:20No, Billy, please, oh, God, oh, God!

15:28I don't think I can do this.

15:32Oh, gee, Nicole, come be on our show.

15:35It'll be fun.

15:36Spy vs.

15:37Run, Daddy, run!

15:42I don't want to be here.

15:46I want to be on Friends.

15:49No, no, no, really, watch, watch, watch, watch, watch.

15:53I can do this.

15:54Oh, gee, Rachel, I would love some more coffee.

15:58Chandler, you're so funny.

16:00See, see, I can do this.

16:02I can do this.

16:04I want cute outfits and maybe a guitar like Phoebe.

16:12I don't feel safe here.

16:20I don't want to drink cappuccino with Phil or Artie or any of these people.

16:26But here I am, and let's go, Matt TV!

16:38Right?

16:39I mean, right?

16:49This summer, 20th Century Fox is proud to present the most reassuring film of the decade.

16:55What is sure to become the feel-good motion picture event of a lifetime.

17:00Hello.

17:03My name is Forrest, Forrest Gump.

17:08Do you want a chocolate?

17:12I could eat about a million of these.

17:15How about you?

17:16Excuse me, I asked you a question.

17:20Look, I'm diabetic, all right?

17:22I don't want any of your damn chocolates.

17:24What are you, stupid or something?

17:27Mom always says,

17:28stupid is as stupid does.

17:30Gun fiction, the film critics are calling violently heartwarming.

17:44I do believe my husband, your boss, told you to take me out and do whatever I wanted.

17:48Okay, okay, you know what they call shrimp in France?

17:53Quarter pounder with Chase?

17:54No.

17:55A Royale with Chase?

17:57No.

17:58Quarter pounder Royale with Chase?

18:00No.

18:01Filet-O-Shrimp Royale?

18:02No.

18:03Shrimp McNugget Royale?

18:04No.

18:05Hamburger Royale or shrimp?

18:09No.

18:09Hamburger Royale or shrimp?

18:11No.

18:12Go down, go down, go down.

18:13Go down, go down, go down.

18:17Go down, go down.

18:19Go down, go down.

18:21How many guys do we got, Forrest?

18:23Two up on that grassy hill and one up here in this building.

18:28Come on, Forrest.

18:29There's gettin' the character.

18:32A rich palate of contemporary American morphing,

18:35as well as a lot of presidents getting shot.

18:43Oh, I was aiming for Jackie.

18:46Run, Forrest, run!

18:50You're soon gonna be a woman.

18:53Sodomy is as sodomy does.

18:57Ooh!

18:58Ooh!

19:01Gump? Me gimp.

19:03Gimp?

19:05Gump.

19:06I am not a gimp.

19:09At least I would treat you if you'd let me die, you damn!

19:15Lieutenant Dan!

19:16Lieutenant Dan, it's me, Forrest!

19:19Tom Hanks.

19:21Samuel L. Jackson.

19:22Double shrimp, Chase, Pacebook, Chase.

19:24Uma Thurman.

19:25John F. Kennedy.

19:26Lee Harvey Oswald.

19:28Gary Sinise.

19:29And Phil Lamar.

19:30Not again!

19:32Die, you sweetly retarded catchphrase!

19:35Rescuing morons!

19:36Die!

19:40Now, maybe it's just me, but I believe we're gonna have to get medieval on your buttocks.

19:46This summer, you won't know the gump until you see the fiction.

19:53Life is like a box of chocolates.

19:57You open it up, and most times someone is taking a bite out of each and every one.

20:02That's when I gotta get out of my .45 and blow their heads off.

20:10That's all I have to say about that.

20:11Yo, this is Spike Lee.

20:16Now, there's a lot of perpetrators out there trying to capitalize on the name of Malcolm X.

20:23That's why it's up to real artists like me to set the story straight.

20:27Now, Malcolm X was a militant Muslim slain by the hand of the very people he struggled to liberate.

20:33In his fiery speeches, he often spoke about the vicious, blue-eyed, white devil and the way he holds a black man down.

20:41Unfortunately, Malcolm never got a chance to mention the red devil that you'll find on every can of Underworld deviled hand.

20:47Underworld, the perfect lunchtime treat.

20:52Get it by any means necessary.

20:54Available exclusively at Spike's Joint and Spike's Joint West.

20:57Mm-mm, this is delicious!

21:00Yo, peace. I'm out.

21:11Coming up next, Kato Kaelin finally speaks his mind.

21:17And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've been waiting for.

21:36Kato Kaelin.

21:37Please, please, please, please, I'm here tonight to finally speak my mind.

21:53Boy, this is not going to be easy.

21:56There are several things that have been waiting on my mind lately for a long, long time, and I...

22:03I can't hold it in.

22:05Whew!

22:09Okay.

22:11Here goes.

22:14Whew!

22:17Back... back in fifth grade,

22:19I was cheating off of Sally Dempsey's English test.

22:24But Mrs. Kendall blamed Sally and kept her up to school.

22:27So, Mrs. Kendall, if you're watching,

22:31it was me.

22:34It wasn't Sally, it was me.

22:37Me, me, me, me, me, me.

22:41Okay.

22:42Saved by the bell?

22:44It just isn't the same since Screech's voice has changed.

22:49No.

22:49That's how I feel.

22:51Sorry.

22:53Now, I know this seems crazy,

22:56but you should always turn into a skid.

23:02Not away from it.

23:04Into it, not away.

23:06Do people know this?

23:08Do they care?

23:10I guess not.

23:11I care.

23:12Whoa.

23:16I'm glad I could finally get that off my chest.

23:17I feel better.

23:18Whoo!

23:32It's time to check in with the winner of MTV's

23:35Spend a Week with Poison contest.

23:39Kevin Bartlett from Lincoln, Nebraska.

23:41We sent Kevin on a five-day whirlwind Poison tour.

23:45I am so into you, Poison.

23:47My name is Kevin Bartlett.

23:48I love you, man.

23:51Day one, Kevin joins the band on their first stop of the tour,

23:56Cincinnati, Ohio.

23:58Yo, is that them?

24:00Yo, Poison rules.

24:02Yo, Poison, it's me, Kevin, man.

24:05I want to turn this.

24:08Poison, hello.

24:09Day two, Indianapolis, Indiana.

24:12Kevin parties with the band.

24:14She's mine.

24:15Whatever.

24:16I've seen her first.

24:17I mean, what are you talking about, man?

24:18No, wait a minute.

24:19No, Brett.

24:20Brett.

24:20I sent the phone first.

24:21Brett, that part when you guys sang Baby Gets Around,

24:24did you, when you guys blew up all that pyro, did you,

24:27did you guys use plastique?

24:29All right, guys, meet you back in the hotel.

24:36Day three, Detroit.

24:39Kevin helps with the setup.

24:40Yo, every rose has his thorn, man.

24:42Hey, bro.

24:43What's up, man?

24:43Hey, bro.

24:44Look that in for me.

24:45Oh, definitely, man.

24:46Sure.

24:47Absolutely.

24:48That really hurt, though.

24:56Day four, Minneapolis, St. Paul.

24:59Kevin finally lives his dream.

25:02Front row.

25:03Here they are, Poison!

25:11Day five, Minneapolis Memorial Hospital.

25:15Also, Kevin goes on life support.

25:22For Poison, just another day on the road.

25:25For Kevin, the trip of a lifetime.

25:34Next week, 13-year-old Ginny Tilton joins Butcher Whitey,

25:38live in Oakland.

25:42How you doing?

25:43My handle is Dave Herman.

25:47I appreciate that.

25:48I appreciate that.

25:50This is really where it's at for a cat like me.

25:53We've got a heavy, heavy squad here on MADtv.

25:56But in particular, I'd like to pay tribute to the ladies of the cast.

26:00Because it has been an uphill climb for women in sketch comedy.

26:04But these ladies, these ladies are already at the top of the hill.

26:08Can we get Mary out here, possibly?

26:12Can we get, can we do that?

26:13Is that something we...

26:13Mary Scheer, ladies and gentlemen.

26:16Mary Scheer.

26:17Give it up.

26:18Give it up for Mary.

26:22Mary, I was just telling the good folks out here how much I appreciate the woman in the cast,

26:26but your work in particular has been superb.

26:28Thank you, David.

26:29That's really nice of you.

26:31I think you're great, too.

26:32Thank you, Mary.

26:34Dave?

26:36What are you doing?

26:37You just bring me out here so you can shove your tongue down my throat?

26:39Oh, yeah.

26:41That's what I was doing, Mary.

26:44You did, David.

26:46You tried to French me.

26:47Oh, ooh-la-la.

26:50You know what, David?

26:51Unbelievable.

26:52You're a pig.

26:53Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

26:53Mary, Mary.

26:55I don't know what you think happened here, but if I have inadvertently offended you or hurt you in any way, I am sorry.

27:02All I was saying is that I appreciate your work.

27:04That's all I was saying.

27:06Whatever.

27:07We're cool?

27:09Yes, we're cool.

27:09Cool.

27:11Okay, good.

27:15Let's give it up for the ladies of the cast.

27:16Yeah!

27:20Man!

27:28Man!

27:31I don't understand.

27:58All my life, I fought to stay healthy.

28:01I ate organic fruits and vegetables and whole grains.

28:07I did tai chi and yoga.

28:11And now look at me.

28:12Lung cancer!

28:14I know.

28:16It's so ironic, isn't it?

28:19God works in mysterious ways I don't question.

28:22How could I have cancer?

28:24I'm so young.

28:25I wouldn't be surprised if it was all those damn x-rays they took you.

28:28Those things are killers.

28:31I don't understand.

28:32It's strange.

28:34That I will grant you.

28:36Look at me.

28:37I've been smoking 42 years.

28:39Smoked all through your pregnancy.

28:41Never had a problem.

28:43It's not fair.

28:45Don't worry, baby.

28:46We'll get through this together.

28:48We're just gonna have to make some sacrifices, that's all.

28:51Oh, yeah.

28:57There it is.

28:59Mrs. Barone, how many times do I have to tell you?

29:02You cannot smoke in here.

29:03Your daughter is very ill.

29:04I won't leave my baby.

29:06My baby needs me.

29:09For the last time, this is a cancer war.

29:11Oh, all right.

29:16How are you today, Angie?

29:18I'm all right.

29:19Have you found a lung donor yet, doctor?

29:21Well, Angie, you have a very rare blood type.

29:24The only person who could possibly be a donor would be your mother.

29:28Of course, she'd have to give up smoking.

29:31Mom?

29:35Mom?

29:37You said possibly.

29:39Mom?

29:40Mom!

29:40Come on, doc.

29:42There's no one else.

29:43No, I'm afraid not.

29:44Oh, all right.

29:47That's very courageous of you.

29:49Can I have a minute to say goodbye?

29:51Oh, yes, yes, of course.

29:59I'm gonna miss you, baby.

30:02Now, before we go ahead, do you have adequate insurance?

30:05Don't worry.

30:06I got loads of camel cash.

30:08There goes that dinette, sir.

30:11Oh, well.

30:13Baby needs a new lung.

30:18I don't understand.

30:20I beat the odds.

30:22I survived the surgery.

30:24I got through chemo.

30:25I was in total remission.

30:27How could I get mouth cancer?

30:29It's your lot in life, baby.

30:32You're just gonna have to be strong, and I'll be there with you every step of the way.

30:36Bye, baby.

30:37Bye, baby.

30:40Bye, baby.

30:42Bye, mom.

30:51I just don't understand.

30:53Hi, I'm Debra Wilson.

31:06Some of you may have seen me on Deaf Comedy Jam, and right now it's kind of funny to go from cable to commercial television,

31:12because I'm under pressure from the network to censor my own self.

31:15So now I have to watch every thing I say.

31:18Now, speaking just for myself, if I could never curse again in life, that would be, oh, right?

31:25That would have me thinking, what the happened to freedom of speech?

31:27Now, I know the execs are back there wondering what the this black, snappy-headed, dreadlocked thing she's doing.

31:34I'm telling you, I'm just being me, okay?

31:37Cursing like a Kinsella on crack.

31:41Just getting that in my system.

31:43Do y'all mind?

31:45Good.

31:45Because y'all, because them parents can die to bring your Kinsella up in this.

31:50But y'all did come to see a Kinsella, right?

31:54I did.

31:55I did.

31:56Well, I can hope you love the T out of this, because I can love being here, right?

32:02Enjoy yourself.

32:03Yeah.

32:05I'm next.

32:06I'm next.

32:07I'm next.

32:08I'm next.

32:09I'm next.

32:10I'm next.

32:11I'm next.

32:12I'm next.

32:13I'm next.

32:14I'm next.

32:15The sun is just a-rising, smell that coffee brewing, crackling bacon wakes you to another make-happy

32:25day.

32:26Appetites are growing, you're in that breakfast mood.

32:31So get yourself a-moving to the place where you'll find food.

32:37It's time to wake up, America, to another make-happy day.

32:43You're digging up your breakfast and keeping death away.

32:48Your troubles are forgotten.

32:51Who cares if the food is rotten?

32:55You're having another Super McDumpster day.

32:59More and more Americans are waking up to McDumpsters.

33:11Man!

33:12Man!

33:13Man!

33:14Man!

33:15Man!

33:16Man!

33:17Man!

33:18You are now watching the TV!

33:20You are so hungry.

33:38And now, another anti-drug message from the president's anti-drug council.

34:06Hello, my name's Artie Lang.

34:13I'm an actor, construction worker, burnout.

34:18I play a scumbag on TV, and I'm a scumbag in real life.

34:23I'd like to take this opportunity to talk to some of you kids out there and tell you exactly why I do drugs.

34:28I do drugs because, like many of you children, I hate myself.

34:32I'm filled with such an incredible amount of self-loathing that I can't stand to be in a clear state of mind for more than an hour and a half.

34:41Here are the facts.

34:43I have no job, no car, no money, no girlfriend.

34:46I'm not particularly good-looking.

34:48When I go to the beach, I don't tan properly.

34:50My self-esteem is so incredibly low that not only do I realize I'll never actually have sex with a beautiful woman,

34:58but I don't even allow myself to think of a beautiful woman when I masturbate.

35:03As a matter of fact, here's a list of some of the women I've thought about while masturbating during the past two weeks.

35:09Listen up, you might learn something.

35:10Oh, gee, I'm a bad girl, Artie.

35:26I'm ba...

35:27Some mannequin I saw on the window at Saks.

35:35Glenn Close.

35:37Glenn Campbell.

35:42And Sally Jesse Raphael.

35:45All right, on that one, I was wasted.

35:47So if you're a kid out there and you're considering doing drugs,

35:54don't do them for the wrong reasons, just to be cool.

35:57Do them because you hate yourself.

36:00And hey, that's one to grow on.

36:03All right.

36:08Respect those wounds and make a full report.

36:11And Ensign, assess the service integrity.

36:13Full report also.

36:14Ah, damn it.

36:18Laundry.

36:19Laundry, come in.

36:21Emergency, laundry.

36:26This fall, UPN presents another series in the exciting Star Trek saga

36:30from the people who brought you the original Star Trek.

36:34Star Trek The Next Generation.

36:36Star Trek Deep Space Nine.

36:38And Star Trek Voyager.

36:40Now comes...

36:42These are the adventures of the men and women

36:45who dare to clean the clothes of the men and women

36:47who boldly dare to go where no one has gone before.

36:52Laundry Log.

36:55Star Date 8716.7.

36:59We're on a routine mission to the dreaded Woolite sector

37:01of the Kal'Gon Galaxy.

37:02All washers doing whites.

37:06What is it?

37:07Are we under attack?

37:08Sensors are picking up an alien presence in with the whites, Captain.

37:11Oh, dear God!

37:12How did a red soft get in with the whites?

37:14All I see is lint.

37:16It's everywhere.

37:16You must remember to clean this after every load.

37:22Thank you, Captain.

37:23Time till everything is pink.

37:24Pink out in three minutes.

37:26We've got to get it out of there!

37:27Impossible, Captain.

37:28Far too dangerous.

37:29Then we'll neutralize it.

37:30Raise lead screens.

37:31Lead screens at maximum.

37:33Fire bleach.

37:33Firing bleach!

37:36Bleach has no effect, Captain.

37:38We've got to do something.

37:40The only choice is to go in and get it out.

37:42You can't do it.

37:43You can't change the load until the cycle's complete.

37:45Have you forgotten the laws of Whirlpool?

37:49Fab, full report on the alien garment.

37:51Scanners indicate a color-resistant agent, Captain.

37:54It's whiter than white.

37:57Whiter than white?

37:59We're in the Woolite sector.

38:01Dear Lord, it's got to be.

38:05Checkmate, Captain Downey.

38:08Clorox.

38:09Clorox was my father.

38:10I am Clorox, too.

38:13No wonder our bleach phasers had no effect.

38:16What the hell are you doing on my ship?

38:18Picking up my laundry.

38:21You haven't done laundry in years.

38:23Yours is a race from a quaint time

38:25when washing hung on a line to dry

38:27and people beat their jeans on a rock by the river.

38:30Yeah, jean-beater.

38:32Accurate.

38:33Until UPN gave me my own spin-off.

38:37Be sure to watch me Wednesday nights at 8 p.m.

38:40Right after Star Trek and Hutch.

38:44You're getting soft, Downey.

38:47Ta-ta.

38:48Corrox 2's beamed all his clothes out of the machine, Captain.

38:56We've got an unbalanced load.

38:58Full tilt in 20 seconds.

39:00Suds, how do we turn the tide?

39:03We can't do it.

39:04The dryers are packed as it is.

39:06And we're almost out of quarters.

39:07Ten seconds to a full tilt.

39:10Dryers packed.

39:11Load's unbalanced.

39:13We need breathing room.

39:15That's it.

39:16Surf.

39:17Put all the dryers on air fluff.

39:19Air fluff?

39:19But, Captain, please listen to reason.

39:21No!

39:21Make it so!

39:23Engaging air fluff!

39:25Brilliant, Captain.

39:33If unconventional and irrational.

39:36But, how did you know air fluff would blow the load back into balance?

39:40Ancient Chinese secret, sir.

39:45Suds.

39:46Yes, sir.

39:47Put all dryers on permanent press.

39:49Low heat.

39:51Aye, aye, sir.

39:52Dryers on permanent press.

39:53Engage!

39:58And now, stay tuned to UPN for the cuddliest series of all the Star Trek spinoffs.

40:04Star Trek Daycare.

40:12Ow.

40:14Watch.

40:15Ow.

40:17Watch.

40:18Ow.

40:19Huh?

40:21Ow.

40:22Watch.

40:24Ow.

40:25Huh?

40:26Watch.

40:28Ow.

40:28Huh?

40:30Watch.

40:31Ow.

40:33Huh?

40:37Never.

40:38Find.

40:39Don't touch that dial.

40:48MAD TV is coming right back at you.

40:50MAD.

40:55MAD.

40:55Well, we are almost done here.

41:06Is everybody still having a good time?

41:07Yeah!

41:08Yeah!

41:09Yeah!

41:10Yeah!

41:11Yeah!

41:12Yeah!

41:12That's what I love to hear.

41:14All right.

41:15Great.

41:16Great.

41:17All right.

41:17We got one more sketch coming up, which I think you guys are really going to love.

41:20Uh-oh.

41:21What's wrong, Brian?

41:22Keg's kicked.

41:23John?

41:24John, can we get another keg in here?

41:26Sorry, guys.

41:27That's it.

41:28We're all out.

41:29Oh.

41:30But you're ready for one more sketch, right?

41:32Yeah!

41:33Hey, where'd they go?

41:34We weren't done.

41:35Well, I guess they'll have to tune in next week.

41:37Well, we'll have lots more beer then.

41:39Oh.

41:40Fuck.

41:41Fuck.

41:42Fuck.

41:43Fuck.

41:44Fuck.

41:45Fuck.

41:46Fuck.

41:47Fuck.

41:48Fuck.

41:49Fuck.

41:50Fuck.

41:51Fuck.

41:52Fuck.

41:53Fuck.

41:54Fuck.

41:55Fuck.

41:56Fuck.

41:57Fuck.

41:58Fuck.

41:59Fuck.

42:00Fuck.

42:01Fuck.

42:02I'm just saying.

42:03This was Winted.

42:04Did you do this again?

42:05Are you sure?

42:06It's just a little bit more like Nixon than Lincoln.

42:07He doesn't look like a Lincoln to me.

42:08He looks more like Nixon.

42:09Oh, what?

42:10What?

42:11Because Lincoln wasn't black?

42:12It's a freak country.

42:13I'm just saying.

42:14Was Nixon black?

42:15No.

42:16I don't look like Nixon.

42:17No, I'm just saying that you look a little bit more like...

42:18Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

42:19What?

42:20The party's over.

42:21You're right.

42:22Is that a racist thing to say?

42:23Can I see?

42:25No, no.

42:26I don't know.

42:27I don't know.

42:28I don't know.

42:29I don't know.

42:30Yeah.

42:31It's crazy.

42:32I don't know.

42:33I'm just saying.

42:34You're right.

42:35That's great.

42:36I mean, you know, you need to take a test.

42:37I don't know, you know.

42:38It's crazy.

42:39It's a bad thing.

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