- 3 hours ago
Season 4 Episode 14
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00Greetings and salutations. I'm Keanu Reeves.
00:20Well, I guess some of you remember me from my last film, The Devil's Advocate,
00:26where I played the son of Satan. Pretty spooky, huh?
00:30For those of you who still need your minds a little joggled, I played a Southern lawyer.
00:37Watch the accent.
00:40Seville Roast, Your Honor. 100% USDA Select.
00:49Anyways, you're probably wondering why I'm wearing this outfit.
00:53Well, I'm here on MADtv tonight to announce my intent to be the first guy to circumneravriate.
01:00Super...
01:03To fly around the world in a balloon.
01:05Yeah!
01:10Thank you for your concern.
01:12Thank you for your concern, but I'll be okay.
01:14You're probably asking yourselves, why, Keanu?
01:19Why do you want to put your life in danger?
01:21That's a good question, audience.
01:24And the answer is...
01:29Because it's there.
01:30Anyways, I'm looking for some volunteers to come with me.
01:36So, if anybody has nothing to do for the next four months, wants to talk about Shakespeare and music,
01:41and don't mind being shot at by Chinese, meet me after the show.
01:45Otherwise, enjoy this fantastic episode of MADtv.
01:50And, remember, if you're ever looking for me, just, like, look up in the sky and be like...
01:56Keanu!
01:59Goodnight!
02:00Good night!
02:01Way to go!
02:02Goodnight!
02:03Come on, yeah, yeah, come on, come on.
02:08Man!
02:09Man!
02:11You're so...
02:12Man!
02:13Crazy!
02:14Man!
02:17Ooh!
02:22Man!
02:23Man!
02:25Man!
02:28You're so crazy
02:33You drive me down
02:36You are now watching Mad TV
02:47Okay, Aunt Roz, I'll talk to you later.
02:53Hi, I'm Nicole Sullivan from Mad TV.
02:58It's on Fox. It's a show on Fox.
03:02Anyway, I'm here to show you how you can save on your long-distance bill.
03:06Look, darling, it's Nicole Sullivan from Show Business.
03:09What are you doing in our kitchen?
03:11I just stopped by to let you know that you can save on all of your long-distance calls.
03:15We've seen you on...
03:17Mad TV.
03:23Okay, anyway, if you would like to save on all of your long-distance calls,
03:27day or night, before you call the number,
03:29just dial 1010-837-2000.
03:33Oh, that sounds...
03:34642-9000.
03:361010-STAR.
03:38Oh, okay.
03:398673-44444-4MurrayHill-639-7013.
03:47It's that simple.
03:48Well, geez, Nicole Sullivan, it doesn't seem all that simple.
03:51Although, if we save money on our phone bill, it could be worth it.
03:55Oh, how you'll save.
03:56Up to 10% and more.
03:5910% of what?
04:02Of more.
04:0510%?
04:05Do you even know what we're paying for phone service now?
04:10Well, 100% minus 10%, which would be 90% of now.
04:18Okay, look, Nicole Sullivan, why don't you just tell us what we're getting 10% off of?
04:22Just dial 1010-837-838.
04:25Okay, don't start with that mess.
04:26We've already heard that.
04:27We just want to know what we save.
04:30Save?
04:31You sure will.
04:31Just dial 1010-838-
04:32Look, we understand the concept of dialing extra numbers.
04:36What we don't understand is what we'll be saving.
04:39Look, do you save on this on your own phone bill?
04:42Well, I'm in show business, so I have a house boy who handles all of that...
04:45Okay, thank you.
04:49Goodbye.
04:50What, what, did I just sound snotty?
04:52Yeah, a little.
04:53Come in here talking all that nonsense.
04:54What kind of a spokesperson are you?
04:57Well, I just wanted to help you see...
04:59I mean, if you can't answer a simple question,
05:00what are you doing in our kitchen in the first place?
05:02Yeah, why don't you just go?
05:05It's just that it's 10%.
05:06Go!
05:09Well, I get zero percent.
05:10Get out!
05:11Just dial 10-10.
05:16Get out!
05:19To receive the savings Nicole Sullivan talked about,
05:22call 10-10-837-2000.
05:256-4-2-9000-1010-STAR.
05:29Will you shut up?
05:328-6-7-3-4-4-4-4-4.
05:35Murray Hill 639-7013.
05:41You are man.
05:57Welcome to the Super Bowl.
05:59Before we begin, we'd like to announce the winner of our Super Bowl Spectator Coin Toss.
06:04This year's lucky fan is in the upper deck, seat number 312, row CC.
06:08Now, while I'm waiting for the lucky winner to make his or her way down,
06:12we're going to take a second.
06:13T!
06:16Alright, you know how this works?
06:17No.
06:18Okay, it's real easy.
06:20Okay.
06:20Okay.
06:21You're going to take this coin, toss it up in the air.
06:23Clara's going to call heads or tails.
06:24When it lands, you tell us what it landed on.
06:26Got it?
06:27It is possible.
06:28Alright, there you go.
06:29Go do it.
06:30Heads.
06:32No, no.
06:32You don't call...
06:33Tails.
06:34Yeah, what's going on here?
06:35Hold on, son.
06:36Just give her a chance to...
06:37Antonia.
06:39Okay, just give Antonia a chance to breathe here.
06:41Antonia?
06:42Yes?
06:42You're going to take the coin.
06:43Okay.
06:44You're going to toss it up.
06:45Okay.
06:45Okay, players are going to call heads.
06:46Okay.
06:47Okay, they're going to call heads.
06:48Okay.
06:48Okay, they're going to call heads.
06:49Okay.
06:49Okay, or tails.
06:50Then when it lands...
06:51Okay.
06:52Okay, you tell us...
06:53Okay.
06:54Yeah, whether it landed on heads or tails.
06:56Okay.
06:56Is that clear?
06:57I have a cat named D.C.
07:00Hello, D.C.
07:01Play ball.
07:07That's the wrong sport, Antonia.
07:09Get the coin and toss the coin.
07:12Toss it.
07:15Does that look like a coin to you?
07:17Yes.
07:19Antonia?
07:19No.
07:20No, that's not a coin.
07:26No.
07:32No, that is...
07:32No, that's not a coin.
07:33No.
07:36Please stay tuned.
07:38Kickoff is only minutes away.
07:48Shoosh.
07:49This place is really hopping.
07:51Yeah.
07:51Hey, let's mingle.
07:52Okay, but are you sure you feel comfortable, Vicky?
07:55Oh, yeah, Latrice.
07:56I promised I'd help you scope out that guy, Marcus.
07:58Yeah.
07:59Anyways, this is real fun.
08:01Usually, I'm home by 7 o'clock,
08:03sitting in front of the tube with a sandwich, so...
08:06Okay.
08:06No, I just don't want you to feel out of place.
08:08That's all.
08:09Oh, don't be such a worrywart.
08:11Watched a lot of UPN shows lately,
08:13and I think I got the lingo down.
08:15Lingo down.
08:16Okay.
08:16Yeah.
08:16Wanna get some drinks?
08:18Hey, that'd be ducking kick.
08:25Hey, soul sister number one.
08:27You wanna go out on the dance floor
08:29and shake it up a bit?
08:31Oh, no, thank you.
08:33Come on.
08:34You know chocolate's always better with cream.
08:36Look, I don't mean to be rude.
08:38I'll handle this.
08:40Yo, son, why don't you step off?
08:42Because she's asking you to bounce, all right?
08:44She ain't wanting to hear all that.
08:47Okay, jeez.
08:48Did I say the right thing?
08:53Yeah, as a matter of fact, you did.
08:56Wowee.
08:57Hey, it's not so tough to be jiggy.
08:58Ooh, this is my favorite song.
09:04Do you wanna go shake a tail feather?
09:06Come on.
09:11Oh, you go, girl.
09:12You go.
09:13Work it.
09:14Shake it.
09:14Don't break it.
09:15Oh, oh, oh, girl.
09:17Marcus is here.
09:18Marcus is here.
09:19Okay, don't look.
09:20Don't look.
09:20Don't look.
09:20Don't look.
09:21Well, I think you should go talk to him.
09:22No, no, no.
09:23What if he's not interested?
09:24Oh, don't be such a silly goose.
09:26I am sure he'll find you attractive and vivacious.
09:29Okay, fine.
09:30But what if he has a girlfriend?
09:31I'll go investigate.
09:33You do that for me?
09:34Hey, silly goose.
09:36You're my best friend at work.
09:42Yo, son.
09:43Yo, what's up, shorty?
09:44Yo, I know somebody who's digging your flavor, yo.
09:47Yo, I'm saying what the deal?
09:48Where's she at?
09:48Tell her to come to me.
09:49Talk to me.
09:49Well, she don't know if you're on lockdown.
09:51Know what I'm saying?
09:52No, I'm straight.
09:53I'm so all good, baby.
09:54Word?
09:54No doubt.
09:55I ain't.
09:56It's all great.
09:57All right.
09:57All right?
09:58All right.
10:02Yes!
10:02My single.
10:03Go for it.
10:04You're right, girl.
10:04Okay.
10:09Hi, Marcus.
10:10Yo, Latrice.
10:10What's up?
10:11Yo, what's up with your girl?
10:12Who, Vicky?
10:14Yeah, what's up saying?
10:15I'm feeling a vibe.
10:16Yeah, I hear you.
10:17No doubt.
10:18All right.
10:18Excuse me.
10:19All right.
10:19Let's go, girl.
10:22Oh, hey.
10:22What's wrong?
10:23Marcus is not feeling me.
10:24He's interested in you.
10:26Oh, that's foul.
10:28You got all dressed up to go courting.
10:32Well, gosh darn it.
10:32I am going to go settle this right now.
10:35But, hey.
10:39Yo, Marcus.
10:40What the deal, yo?
10:41I'm saying, me and you sure even sat in it.
10:43Squash, that McGurl wants to get at you and you ain't hearing that.
10:46What's up?
10:46I'm saying, I mean, I didn't know she wanted to talk to me.
10:50I mean, where's she at?
10:51Well, she do.
10:52So why don't you stop fronting and come correct, yo?
10:55All right.
10:56I mean, you know, shorty is a down piece.
10:57Good looking.
10:58All right.
10:58All right.
10:59All right.
10:59Well, that was all right.
11:19Hey.
11:19You want to get down?
11:21Hey, that would be swell.
11:22I love this song.
11:23Please, yay, yay.
11:39Okay, stop your cheering and start your leering.
11:43Because the lady of snacks feels all right.
11:45Okay, I found another coin.
12:06Found another coin.
12:08Okay, let's just get going now.
12:10Okay, so long, everyone.
12:11No, no, no, no.
12:12Antonia, not you.
12:13Not you, the game.
12:14Let's get the game going.
12:15Okay.
12:16All right.
12:16You guys ready to play?
12:17Not yet.
12:17We've been ready for the last two hours because of this idiot.
12:20Oh.
12:21Unsportsmanlike conduct, 15 yards.
12:25What is that?
12:26Calm down.
12:27Young lady, do you know how important this is?
12:29Yes.
12:29No, you don't.
12:30Oh.
12:31Okay, now, are you concentrating?
12:32Yes.
12:33All right.
12:33Blimp?
12:34No, no, don't look at the blimp.
12:35I don't want you to look at the blimp.
12:36Just concentrate, Antonia.
12:38Okay.
12:38All right?
12:39Are you concentrating?
12:40Yes.
12:41Antonia?
12:42No.
12:42No, no, you're not.
12:43You're not concentrating.
12:44Forget it.
12:44Just throw the damn point.
12:46Toss it?
12:46Yeah, toss it.
12:48Toss it!
12:53Where the hell did it go?
12:55What's that behind your...
12:57Oh.
12:57Ta-da!
13:02Did you see that?
13:06Watch your step there, ref.
13:08From the friend of the director of The Wedding Singer
13:15and the neighbor of the guy who wrote Billy Madison
13:17comes a movie.
13:20Hey, why don't you get us some water, you moron?
13:23It's Thursday from all this river dance.
13:26Adam Sandler is The River Boy.
13:30Hey, why don't you go fetch us some water, stupid?
13:32Don't call me stupid!
13:34Don't call me stupid!
13:37With Michael Flatley as the lord of the dance.
13:44You heard my river dance, you're stupid.
13:46They're thirsty.
13:47And we have a show to do tonight.
13:49So why don't you go stupid up some water?
13:51Don't call me stupid!
13:57Don't call me stupid!
13:58Oh!
14:00Whoa!
14:04Also starring Drew Barrymore
14:05as a beautiful woman
14:06who apparently has a thing for half-wits.
14:09This is terrible.
14:11Our show's in an hour
14:12and our star dancer is out of commission.
14:15Where can we find someone
14:16on such short notice to replace him?
14:18Wait a minute.
14:20You!
14:20You could do it!
14:22I ain't no river dancer.
14:24I'm just a water boy.
14:25Oh!
14:29Sure, you're a water boy.
14:31But you're also a darn good river dancer.
14:34Plus, you're kind of cute.
14:36Okay, I'll give it a try.
14:38But if only that guy
14:40would shit up!
14:50Now all we need to do
14:55is psych you up.
14:56Okay, Bobby.
14:57I want you to think of the thing
14:59that you hate the most.
15:01Think, Bobby.
15:02Can you see it?
15:03Can you see it, Bobby?
15:04What do you hate the most?
15:09You're worthless and stupid.
15:11You'll never be a river dancer.
15:13You'll never even be a puddle jumper.
15:15You're stupid!
15:17Stupid!
15:18Stupid!
15:18Stupid!
15:19Stupid!
15:23Shit!
15:25Ow!
15:26It hurts!
15:27Ow!
15:27Ow!
15:28Get him off of me!
15:30Ow!
15:30Those are my bangs!
15:31Stop!
15:32Ow!
15:35Wow.
15:36I think I'm in love.
15:39I bet my ribs hurt, though.
15:43Ow.
15:44Adam Sandler is the river boy.
15:55The number one river dancing comedy in America.
15:57Please, I am begging you.
16:12All of America is begging you.
16:14Just throw the friggin' toy.
16:16Toss it.
16:17Toss it.
16:18Yeah, just toss it.
16:19Toss the damn friggin' toy.
16:21Blimp.
16:22Then we all saw the blimp, all right?
16:24They all saw the friggin' blimp.
16:26Just concentrate for two friggin' seconds.
16:30Blimp.
16:31I swear to God, if you say blimp one more time.
16:34Just toss the friggin' toy.
16:40Limb.
16:40Oh!
16:43What is your friggin' deal with the friggin' blimp?
16:48Listen.
16:50Limb.
16:50Uh-oh.
16:58End.
17:04If you folks at the NFL ask me if I'd like to host the Super Bowl halftime show, I said yes!
17:11Touchdown, yeah!
17:21Did you see that, son?
17:23Oh, come on, boy.
17:24Get excited.
17:25Come on, it's the Super Bowl.
17:27Look, we got skybox seats.
17:28Come on.
17:29Yeah.
17:30You know what you need, Scotty?
17:31You need some energy.
17:32Hey, where's the damn food guy?
17:33Okay, sports fan!
17:35Oh!
17:35Okay, stop your cheering and start your leering, because the Lady of Snacks, he has arrived!
17:50Over here.
17:51Over here.
17:51What took you so long?
17:52Oh, look at you.
17:53You're all excited.
17:54I bet you're happy to get out of the trailer park.
17:56You have all this room to move around here.
18:01That's fine.
18:02I don't live in a trailer park, all right?
18:04How much are nachos?
18:04Oh, yeah, you know, right?
18:09Yeah, no, we don't accept food stamps.
18:11I'm so sorry.
18:13What?
18:15So, how'd you guys get in here?
18:17What, is the little one on a Make-A-Wish event, and you came along for the free ride, or...?
18:22Yeah, these are my boss's seats, all right?
18:24This is Scotty's first time in a game.
18:26Oh, his first...
18:27I remember my first time.
18:29San Diego Chargers defensive line.
18:32Boy, were they impressive.
18:34But that's a different kind of first time.
18:37I'll tell you about that a little later.
18:38So, enjoying the game there, kiddo?
18:42I don't really like sports that much.
18:44Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
18:45More of a ballet, leather chap wearing, move to Frisco and become a florist kind of guy,
18:50huh?
18:51Don't worry, your secret's safe with me, George Michael.
18:57Hey, what do you got that he would like?
18:59Okay, well, I'm fresh out of culottes.
19:01How about a Leonardo DiCaprio calendar and that kicker's phone number, huh?
19:07You calling my kid a sissy?
19:09Your kid?
19:10You mean this isn't a date?
19:12Excuse me?
19:13Oh, easy there, tough guy.
19:16And I thought it was only the football players that hit women.
19:19Learn something new every day.
19:21Now let's get to the ordering, shall we?
19:23We'll take two nachos with extra cheese, please.
19:25Okay, would you like that heart attack here or to go?
19:31It's a joke.
19:32It's a heart attack with a lot of cheese would take a heart attack.
19:36I want a beer.
19:37Where is the beer?
19:38Okay, clearly, most of it's in your system.
19:42I want a beer.
19:43Just give me a beer, all right?
19:44Okay, sir, I can't serve you a beer.
19:45You're obviously a toxic.
19:46I see the beer right there.
19:47I want a beer, all right?
19:48I'm telling you, I want a beer, all right?
19:51Give me a beer.
19:52Look, I'm just going to take a beer.
19:54Okay, clearly, you didn't hear me so good.
19:57I said, la, la, la, la, la, la, okay?
20:01I had nothing better to do than to bend over backwards for some drunk bastard.
20:05I'd still be with Bob Barker.
20:09I am a bit of...
20:12Liza Minnelli, ladies and gentlemen.
20:14Show the gals the block.
20:17Okay, the thing with the cheese joke here is we got four main arteries.
20:22Excuse me.
20:23I'll get back to you on that.
20:24Okay, how can I hear...
20:26Oh, would you look at these ladies, huh?
20:29It's like someone ran a tramp through a Xerox machine.
20:41Could we get some service down here, please?
20:44I just love your fur coats.
20:45So what was it?
20:46Girls night out?
20:47You have a few drinks?
20:49Club a few baby seals?
20:50They're fake.
20:52They're fake.
20:53I know that, dear.
20:54I was talking about the coat.
21:03Do you know who we are?
21:04Well, you're either the player's wives or hookers.
21:08Like that isn't the same thing, huh?
21:13Oh, boy.
21:13So you're married to the football player, huh?
21:16So where'd you and your hubby go on your first date rape?
21:18Or...
21:19I mean date.
21:21Sorry.
21:21Might be on.
21:22Might be on.
21:22You know, I could have you fired.
21:24Get in line, fembot.
21:25So could everyone else have you ever talked to?
21:27Kathy, I want to talk to you.
21:29Oh, wow.
21:30Good thing you're here.
21:31The dishes are piling up, Jose.
21:32I'm not the busboy.
21:35You're not?
21:35Well, then...
21:36Then this must be a stick-up, ladies.
21:38No.
21:39Oh, then maybe their pips have arrived.
21:41Do you know this man?
21:45Actually, I'm Steve McDaniel.
21:47I own the team.
21:48Huh?
21:49I pay your salary.
21:50Hmm?
21:51And as of right now, it stops.
21:53Huh?
21:54You're fired!
21:56Oh.
21:57Well, okay.
21:58Hey, thanks so much for letting me work for you.
22:00I guess a recommendation would be out of the question.
22:03Yeah, okay.
22:04Then, ladies, thanks for letting me sleep with your husbands.
22:08All right.
22:09Here's the thing about the joke with you.
22:11Hop up there, Queenie.
22:13All right.
22:15You got four main arteries.
22:17Now, you want to count on keeping one of them clear at any...
22:19You got two kinds of bath problems.
22:20Yeah, true.
22:21Yeah.
22:22Oh, you need to know the background of cheese if you want to get the joke.
22:25You need to know the background of cheese if you want to get the joke.
22:28Stick around, folks, for our halftime extravaganza.
22:33Hi, I'm Kenny Roberts.
22:35You know, every year the good folks at the NFL ask me if I'd like to host the Super Bowl halftime show.
22:41And every year I turn them down flat.
22:43I say, I like to spend Super Bowl Sunday with my friends.
22:47And this year they say, well, why don't you bring your friends along with you?
22:50And I said, hey, that's a good idea.
22:52And they said, we know it was our idea.
22:55And I said, I know.
22:56I was standing right here when you said it.
22:59So anyway, to make a long story short, I said, yes.
23:04So ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a little show we like to call the Kenny Rogers Super Bowl halftime salute to the little country that could America.
23:16Hey, look, everyone.
23:17It's my fishing pal, Garth Brooks.
23:23Yeah.
23:24How you doing, Garth?
23:25I'm doing just fine, Kenny.
23:26Thanks for asking.
23:27I'm really looking forward to our duet.
23:29If I haven't told you already, thanks for inviting me on your big show.
23:32Thanks for coming out.
23:34Garth Brooks, ladies and gentlemen.
23:36Hey, we got a lot more show to do, so come on.
23:41Hey, look, everyone.
23:43It's singing, songwriting, sensation, KD Lang.
23:48Actually, Kenny, I'm Lyle Lovin'.
23:49Now, what was that song you did that I love?
23:52That song you did with Roy Orbison?
23:54Actually, that was KD Lang.
23:56Yeah, I know.
23:56That's what I'm saying.
23:58I'm Lyle Lovin'.
23:59Yeah, I love the poo.
24:00Made me cry like a baby.
24:01Hey, that's what it was called.
24:04Crying.
24:05Crying like a baby.
24:08Kenny, you're thinking of KD Lang.
24:10I'm also thinking about breakfast, but let's try to stay on the top.
24:14Well, what kid I heard about you?
24:16You know that you hate children?
24:18No, I love children, and I'm Lyle Lovett.
24:22But, uh, you invited me here to sing a song with you.
24:25Back, let's hit it!
24:26I was okay.
24:32Yes, I was.
24:36I was okay.
24:38Just because.
24:39But when I look in your eyes, and I see that you cry, ask me why, and I'm not...
24:49Ah, boo!
24:50She's got the voice of an angel, don't she?
24:52Ah, hoo!
24:52Too bad she's got to go.
24:54Not now, bub.
24:56You know what I'm saying?
24:57Show that you're supposed to be a bad America in football.
24:59It's kind of weird, but we ain't mention either one.
25:01But here's the remedy, then, is your good friend of mine, Magic Johnson.
25:10Are you ready for halftime?
25:15Woo!
25:16Kenny, you know you show off.
25:18Christ.
25:19Oh, Magic, I'm crazy about you.
25:21Just darn crazy.
25:23Hey, I understand you have a special surprise for our Super Bowl halftime salute.
25:28That's right, Kenny.
25:29I'm going to read to all the millions of people watching the declamation of independence.
25:37We'll have to do it.
25:38All right.
25:40Now, when in the course of humid events, it...
25:47It...
25:48It...
25:50It becomes...
25:53Necessary.
25:59We've harmed tombs to be self-eminent.
26:05That...
26:06We...
26:07Are tall men.
26:11That are...
26:12Creepy, creepy, tall, evil men.
26:18Now, Magic's working his magic.
26:19I'm going to take a little break of these.
26:21You see, Pat?
26:22Magic Donaldson.
26:23Hee-ho!
26:27Hey, Andrew, you got books it.
26:31Diz...
26:32Hi, I'm Kenny Rogers.
26:34What you doing?
26:35Hey, Kenny.
26:36I'm just hooking up these cables.
26:37Diz...
26:38Diz...
26:38Dizzy!
26:39Can I try?
26:40Dizzy, that's...
26:41Sure.
26:41Hey, that wasn't so hard.
26:45That was fine.
26:48Which...
26:49Yeah, yeah, yeah, Evie.
26:51What you eating there?
26:53A cookie.
26:55Is it good?
26:57Yeah.
26:58You want a bite?
26:59I don't know.
26:59My wife would kill me.
27:02Hey, Kenny.
27:03No, Magic's starting to panic out there.
27:05All right.
27:09Nieces and nephews.
27:10Uh, what?
27:15One native?
27:25Can I have a bite?
27:29And that will always be
27:35one native and individual.
27:38Ladies and gentlemen,
27:40Magic Dalton.
27:41Thanks, lady.
27:42All right, Kenny.
27:44My work here is done.
27:46Ladies and gentlemen,
27:46one more time for Magic Dalton.
27:50All right.
27:51Look at his coming now.
27:52Ladies and gentlemen,
27:54Lee and Rance.
27:58Hey, Kenny.
27:58I just want to say
28:00it sure is an honor
28:01to meet you.
28:02Oh, you're going to make me blush.
28:04Hey, are we going to think
28:04of a duet together?
28:05Sure thing, Kenny.
28:07I thought we could do
28:07some yodeling.
28:08Hit it.
28:09Yodeling, yodeling, yodeling, yodeling,
28:12yodeling, yodeling, yodeling, yodeling, yodeling, yodeling, yodeling, yodeling, yodeling,
28:16What about you doing there?
28:18Well, I'm yodeling, Kenny.
28:20Well, do it again!
28:22Yodeling, yodeling, yodeling, yodeling, yodeling, yodeling...
28:24Well, you're all funny. Can I try?
28:26Of course, Kenny.
28:28Oh, Kenny.
28:30Oh, man, that's hysterical.
28:32Ladies and gentlemen, the comedy stylings of Leigh-Anne Rams.
28:36Kenny, I thought we were gonna sing a duet.
28:38Uh, Kenny, when we're gonna do our duet,
28:40NOT THERE, BARB!
28:42Alright, looks like we're just about out of time.
28:44Now, I'd like to thank all my guests, Katie Lang and all the other ones.
28:48Enjoy the rest of the Indy 500. Bye-bye.
28:52Do-do, do-do.
29:14I start black as night. In time, I turn quite bright.
29:37I have not wit, but there is none sharper. What am I?
29:45Are you a diamond?
29:47Yes! Welcome to the Gap.
30:03Corto says, hey, diddle-diddle, you may not pass without solving a riddle.
30:08Scared us a bit there. That's real cute.
30:11I'm sure you're a real fine little street performer, but we just need to step into the Gap here.
30:18I am Corto the Gap Troll. You may not pass without solving this.
30:24My meaning is to jest or to tease or to protect your heart, if you please. What be I?
30:34Well, I...
30:34Look, look, honey, I'll handle this.
30:36Uh, we don't care about your riddle.
30:39This is the Gap, okay?
30:40Okay, so just get out of the way and let us pass, all right?
30:47Let's just go somewhere else, honey, and get the jeans. I mean, someplace without a troll, preferably.
30:52Now, you know, I need the easy-fit jeans.
30:55Other jeans make my ass look like a big denim pumpkin.
30:57What are you saying? My ass is big.
31:01Honey, I didn't say your ass.
31:04You know, you're really starting to piss me off, troll.
31:06Say, uh, Corto, what if I were to just pick you up and move you out of the way?
31:10What are you going to do, huh?
31:11Oh, okay! Okay!
31:13Move me on this day, and your pee-pee will shrivel and melt away.
31:20My pee-pee will shrivel and melt away.
31:24Tim, would you just please pick this thing up and move it?
31:28I don't know. What if it soothes me or something?
31:30Oh, your pee-pee will shrivel and melt away.
31:34Yeah, or that. I mean, why take a chance, you know?
31:37Just do it! Do it!
31:39Honey, okay.
31:44Honey, honey, it's shrinking.
31:46I don't see any difference.
31:50You've got to be kidding me. It's the size of a cashew.
31:53You've got to change it back, please.
31:55Only if you answer my riddle.
31:57Your riddle? Come on!
31:59My meaning is to just or to tease or to protect one's heart.
32:04If you please.
32:05I don't know. You're a clown.
32:07Wrong!
32:08One more answer bad, and soon your child will be had.
32:13What? Now you're threatening our kids?
32:15Our future kids?
32:17Well, honey, we're not going to have any future kids if we don't take care of, you know, my, my...
32:21Your cashew?
32:22But, yeah!
32:25Honey, look, it's the Gap Troll.
32:27Wait, you know about this?
32:28Yeah!
32:28Did you tell security or somebody?
32:30Oh, God, no. I mean, this is so much fun.
32:32Fun? This is not fun!
32:35Oh, Dave.
32:36Cortell.
32:37Answer me this.
32:38Yes.
32:38I rule the domain, though I have fallen from the sky.
32:49Oh, rain.
32:50Like, uh, like the rain from the sky or the rain of a king?
32:53Yes! Welcome to the galaxy.
32:55Yeah, I would.
32:56Come on!
32:57You gave him an easy one.
32:59Oh, you would not have gotten it.
33:00I would, too.
33:01Would not.
33:02Your face was a total blank.
33:04Rib.
33:05Rib. It's rib.
33:07To jest or to protect your heart.
33:09Rib.
33:09I got it.
33:10Oh, yes.
33:11Welcome to the gas.
33:16Honey, honey, forget about the...
33:18I have to...
33:21It has to fix my, my, you know...
33:22Your cashew?
33:23Yes!
33:25Porto, please, you have to change it back.
33:27I'm no good at riddles or jumbles.
33:30And my life is horrible.
33:31My penis is all I have.
33:33Okay, shut up.
33:35Shut up and I'll give you an easy one.
33:38Okay.
33:39All right.
33:40Why does a fireman wear red suspenders?
33:44A fireman?
33:44I don't know.
33:46I don't know.
33:47Big, why does a fireman wear red suspenders?
33:51I don't know.
33:52I'm not good at these.
33:53I told you.
33:54Okay, I'll keep it in the fireman.
33:55Okay.
33:55What's two plus two?
33:57What does that have to do with a fireman?
33:58Nothing!
33:59I still think it's a fireman!
34:00What's the fireman?
34:00What's the fireman?
34:02This has to be a trick question.
34:03That's like...
34:04Four!
34:08Yes!
34:08Welcome to the freaking gas.
34:10Oh, thank you.
34:12Oh, thank you, Kordo.
34:14Unbelievable.
34:15Say, Kordo, if I answered another riddle, could you, like, know...
34:18Oh, no.
34:19Don't push it!
34:19No!
34:20Don't push it!
34:21I'd like to introduce my new lieutenant governor,
34:48the WCW U.S. heavyweight champ, Bret the Hidden Heart.
34:57Poe Farah, the artist formerly known as the Prince of Egypt.
35:10Tonight, from the archives of MAD-TV,
35:13we proudly present the Emmy-nominated episode from the 1977 season of Coco and LeBlanc.
35:18May not be suitable for highly critical viewers.
35:24Coco and LeBlanc.
35:28Starring Madera Swain.
35:32And Britt Jorgensen.
35:35With special guest, Charles Nelson Reilly.
35:38Tonight's episode, they're down with murder to go.
35:48Coco here.
35:49Is LeBlanc there?
35:50Right here, boss.
35:51Did you get the envelope?
35:52It's right in front of us.
35:53Open it.
35:54Who's he?
35:55His name is Lonnie Blake, a Vietnam vet with some serious problems.
35:58How so?
35:59We've got a tip.
36:00He's threatening to blow up the stadium at the Super Bowl on Sunday.
36:03Sounds like a real sweetheart.
36:05I need you two to go undercover as cheerleaders to stop this nut.
36:06Forget it.
36:07I'm a cop and a darn good one.
36:08But I'm not going to degrade myself, or womankind in general, by parading around half naked.
36:09Sounds like a real sweetheart.
36:11I need you two to go undercover as cheerleaders to stop this nut.
36:12Forget it.
36:13I'm a cop and a darn good one.
36:14But I'm not going to degrade myself, or womankind in general, by parading around half-naked.
36:17Sounds like someone's a little uptight about her body.
36:19Yeah?
36:20Well, at least I finished high school.
36:21Yeah?
36:22Well, at least I finished high school.
36:23Yeah?
36:24Well, at least I finished high school.
36:26Yeah?
36:27Well, at least I got to go undercover.
36:28How about it?
36:31Sounds like someone's a little uptight about her body.
36:34Yeah, well, at least I finished high school.
36:37Yeah, well, at least I bathe every once in a while.
36:40Yeah, well, at least I'm not an alcoholic.
36:47Sorry, partner. That was completely uncalled for.
36:51That one did go over the line, LeBlanc.
36:56Come on, sister. Let's rock and roll.
37:01Check out the new girls.
37:16Where did you two come from?
37:18We're not undercover cops, if that's what you're thinking.
37:23Good comeback. You girls are okay.
37:27See you at the football court.
37:29Yeah, go pirates, right on.
37:31How are we ever supposed to find this guy?
37:50He could be anywhere.
37:53Football bomb activated.
37:55There must be 80,000 men up there.
37:57Sounds like your bedroom on a weekend.
37:59Oh, yeah? Well, at least I'm not frigid.
38:02Well, at least I didn't give my baby up for adoption.
38:04Well, at least I'm not a necrophiliac.
38:10I'm sorry, partner. That was totally uncalled for.
38:15LeBlanc!
38:16What?
38:16Something's fishy.
38:27Come on, partner. What's going on inside that head of yours?
38:31That referee!
38:32There's something funny about him.
38:34Drink milk.
38:35There we go.
38:37It's him!
38:41Free, sucker!
38:42Police, you're under arrest.
38:45It's too late, pigs.
38:46We're all going over to Blades of Glory.
38:51Where's the bomb, creep?
38:53Have you ever just wanted to blow everyone in a football stadium?
38:58Up.
38:59Sure, look where's the bomb.
39:03Look, sister.
39:04This country turned me into a murderer when they sent me over to Nam.
39:07A killing machine.
39:09And then to top it off, I got an infection.
39:11And it wasn't even a good time.
39:13The bomb!
39:14It's over there.
39:17The football!
39:22Agra!
39:22Agra!
39:23Agra!
39:25Oh, nice!
39:29Agra!
39:30Agra!
39:30Agra!
39:30Agra!
39:30Agra!
39:30Agra!
39:30Agra!
39:31Agra!
39:32Agra!
39:32Agra!
39:32Agra!
39:33Agra!
39:33Agra!
39:34Agra!
39:34Agra!
39:35Agra!
39:39LeBlanc!
39:39I'm open!
39:50Yeah?
39:51Well, at least my mother never smoked Mary Jane.
39:56Coco here.
39:58Coco?
39:58LeBlanc?
39:59Good job.
40:01Thanks, boss.
40:02Not only did you save a stadium full of people,
40:04but that explosion in the Atlantic blew up a Cuban submarine with missiles aimed at Washington.
40:09Just doing our job, boss.
40:11Oh, and ladies?
40:12Yeah, boss?
40:13Nice teamwork.
40:15Ever thought of going out for the bros?
40:17No way.
40:18We're too busy taking care of the cons.
40:22But, thank you.
40:22They're having fun.
40:45Whoo-hoo!
40:46Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, what an amazing night, I want to thank this unbelievable cast, these kids are so talented, they've been cracking me up all week, unbelievable, I want to thank our musical guest Bruce Springsteen, the boss, was here tonight, what a night, G.E. Smith, the Saturday night, just unbelievable, I love you New York, good night.
41:16Thank you, thank you.
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