- 4 hours ago
Season 1 Episode 6
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
Category
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TVTranscript
00:01Hi, and welcome back to QVC's Fine China Hour.
00:05Up next, from the Franklin Mint,
00:07the commemorative O.J. Simpson Trial of the Century Dinner Set.
00:12You know, most people only dream of owning a set like this.
00:15Well, dreams do come true.
00:17Like they did for O.J., thanks to the dream team,
00:19depicted here on this plate.
00:21Now, just look at all that beautiful stitching
00:23in Johnny Cochran's new suit.
00:25Oh, it's amazing what money can buy.
00:27The set also includes this wonderful dessert plate
00:30featuring the white Ford Bronco
00:33as a squadron of police cars are in the background there
00:35just trying to catch up.
00:37And speaking of ketchup, ladies, you don't have to worry about stains.
00:40The entire set is dishwasher safe.
00:43Our coffee mugs feature the likeness of football great O.J. Simpson
00:47taken right after his arrest.
00:49Now, if you think about it, that's probably why they call it a mug shot.
00:53Our salad service features Nicole's pet, Akita Kato.
00:58You know, they say this dog is the crime's only witness,
01:03and witness the attention to detail over here
01:06in the O.J.'s exercise in cell block D serving platter.
01:10Look at that O.J. dog trying to run off there,
01:13trying to run up there in his old Heisman position
01:16while all the happy, happy inmates in the background try to grab on
01:19and grab a piece of that juice.
01:21And you can, too.
01:23Tell you what, if you get to the phone and call right now,
01:26we're gonna throw in this terrific once-in-a-lifetime special bonus offer.
01:30The juicer 32.
01:33All this for just $199.99.
01:36That's $199.99.
01:38The plates, the mugs, and the juicer,
01:41which is absolutely free, just like O.J.
01:44Our ladies are standing by.
02:16...
02:26...
02:28...
02:29...
02:41You're so...
02:43...
02:45Howdy, folks. Welcome to the show.
03:01Brian and Nicole and I were really just sitting here talking about the moment when we realized that we could make people laugh.
03:07For me, it was in high school. I played Olga in You Can't Take It With You.
03:12And I got more laughs than anyone else in the cast.
03:16There you go. What about you, O?
03:19When I was in third grade, I used to flip my eyelids inside out.
03:23So you can see the red part. You scared all the girls.
03:26That's how I realized I was one heck of a funny guy.
03:29That's very funny. What about you, Bri?
03:32I don't know. I was about eight or nine, and my dad was having this poker party, you know.
03:35So he took his beer can, and he shook it up, and he sprayed me with it.
03:39So I'm all wet, you know.
03:41And he made me strip naked and do a dance for all his poker parties.
03:47Oh, boy. Everybody laughed.
03:49You know, that wasn't the funniest thing, though.
03:50Every time I wet my bed, which was fairly often, right,
03:53my dad would make me wear the wet sheets like a cape
03:56and run around the block screaming,
03:58I am super pee-pee man!
04:03You know, people came out of their houses and pointed at me and laughed.
04:05That was my first regular gig, you know.
04:07Right.
04:08Yeah.
04:08Okay, well, great. Stay tuned. We've got a great show.
04:10Super pee-pee man!
04:14Oh, this is the best.
04:16I was like 16 years old and really self-conscious, right,
04:19and I was going to my junior prom, right,
04:20so I had all these zits, you know,
04:22and my dad, as I'm going out the door with my tuxedo
04:25and my blue ruffled shirt, you know,
04:27he's such a nut.
04:29He takes a black laundry marker, right,
04:31and he plays Connect the Dots on my face!
04:35I didn't go to the prom like that!
04:36Everybody's laughing and pointing at me, man.
04:38I killed.
04:39That was when I was sure that comedy was my destiny.
04:42That was just...
04:42Well, great, and, um...
04:45You know what, let's start the show.
04:46Stay with us, and we'll be right back.
04:47Wait, wait, wait, I didn't tell you about the time
04:48that my dad filmed my first wet dream
04:51and he spliced it into our vacation movies.
04:53Okay, let's go.
05:01Totally new Calvin Klein ideas.
05:03Take one, Mark.
05:04Hey.
05:06Hey there, cutie.
05:08How you doing, huh?
05:10That's a nice soft head you got there, huh?
05:12It's a snug diaper.
05:13You look good in that diaper.
05:15What, you hungry?
05:16You hungry?
05:17Oh, you cranky.
05:20Hey!
05:21Will you tie it?
05:21Okay, you want to rattle?
05:23You need a r...
05:24What?
05:25Todd, okay, what do we got next?
05:29Hey.
05:30Hey there, sexy.
05:32How's business?
05:33I'm sorry?
05:34You have a hard nine-to-five day today?
05:38Aren't you, uh, loosening that tie, huh?
05:42Live a little.
05:43There you go.
05:45Uh-huh.
05:46There.
05:47Doesn't that feel better?
05:49All right, all right.
05:51So what's in that briefcase?
05:57Wow.
05:58Wow, that's...
05:59That's really hot.
06:01Those are...
06:03Sexy files, huh?
06:05Got a real nice look.
06:07Bet when you, uh,
06:09take your two weeks off in July,
06:11you're gonna just go crazy, huh?
06:13Yeah, actually, I'm planning to do some housework, uh,
06:15retiling, a lot of grout work, you know.
06:19Cut.
06:19Oh, yeah, I sure do.
06:44Now, I'm sure you're impressed with all my diplomas.
06:48Oh, yeah, definitely.
06:49Yeah.
06:51But even with all those diplomas,
06:53for me to help you,
06:54you have to really want to quit.
06:55Oh, I really do.
06:57I mean, I'm up to three packs a day.
06:58I, I, I'm hacking up stuff in the morning.
07:00I couldn't run to a bus if I had to.
07:02I mean, I feel like a 90-year-old man.
07:04I've tried to patch the gum,
07:05hypnotism, nothing works.
07:07Well, I can make you stop smoking in five minutes.
07:10Five minutes?
07:12Five minutes.
07:13Guaranteed.
07:14Wow.
07:15I'm in.
07:16You're sure?
07:17Yeah, definitely.
07:18You're super duper duper sure?
07:20Yes, yes, I have to quit smoking.
07:23Okay.
07:23Wait here.
07:24Oh, he's burning.
07:42He sure is.
07:43He's going to help you with your problem.
07:48Oh, yes!
07:49Oh, yes!
07:51No, he's not free!
07:52He's got an earthy mouth!
07:54No, he's got an earthy mouth!
07:55He's got an earthy mouth!
07:57He's got an earthy mouth!
07:58He's got an earthy mouth!
08:08On today's show, we're talking with people
08:10who have experienced severe traumas in their lives
08:12and how they've overcome them.
08:14Our first guest, Mary Werther,
08:16a victim of overeating.
08:17She was only 10 years old.
08:20Mary, tell us your story.
08:21Well, my stepfather was emotionally abusive
08:25and, without any self-esteem,
08:28I would stuff myself with sweets.
08:31I understand how you feel, Mary,
08:32because I, too, was a victim of overeating
08:34when I was just a child.
08:35It was my great shame for years.
08:42Anyway, by the time I was 12,
08:44I had ballooned up to 300 pounds.
08:47Oh, that's nothing!
08:47I ballooned past 300 pounds
08:49by the time I was 8.
08:50And school high jumpers landed on me.
08:57Okay, getting back to me,
08:59I started to diet like a fanatic.
09:03I tried every diet in the book.
09:05Oh, yeah?
09:05Well, I tried every diet there was.
09:07Water, fruit, no carbohydrates,
09:09and I still kept gaining.
09:11Finally, I had my mouth welded shut.
09:13I said, girl, you're every woman.
09:16Literally.
09:16So I starved myself for six months
09:18until I took it all off.
09:19So there.
09:22Our next guest is suffering
09:24from post-Vietnam syndrome.
09:26Please welcome Mr. Harry Finch.
09:31Harry, tell us about your experience.
09:34Well, Opry,
09:35I spent two tours in Nam.
09:37Two tours?
09:37I did four.
09:40Now, hold on.
09:41Hold on.
09:42How could you have possibly been in Vietnam?
09:44Well, if I wasn't in Nam,
09:46how come they called me baby killer
09:47when I came back?
09:49How else could I be exposed to Agent Orange?
09:51And how come I keep having these nightmares?
09:53You know, I can still hear Charlie
09:54creeping all around me.
09:56He's here.
09:57He's here.
09:58Shh!
09:59Incoming!
09:59Fire in the hole!
10:00You can't call me!
10:01Oh, my God!
10:02I can't call me!
10:03Oh, my God!
10:04Oh, my God!
10:06We interrupt this show
10:07to bring you a special news flash.
10:0948 Americans have been taken hostage
10:10at the International Conference of...
10:12I've been taken hostage 49 times
10:13by aliens!
10:14They impregnated me.
10:15I've shot out more alien babies
10:16than a welfare mother on Venus
10:17and they all look like this!
10:19Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
10:21Come on!
10:21What else have you got?
10:22Prison?
10:22No, I've been there.
10:23I've changed my sex 14 times.
10:25You know, I shot Kennedy.
10:26That's right.
10:26Me, Oprah Winfrey.
10:27I was the grassy doll.
10:29I'm clearly dead
10:29and I hate myself for it.
10:30I have 17 personalities.
10:3223 on weekends.
10:32Okay, so Stedman really is my brother!
10:34But I did invent the cure for cancer!
10:37I swear to you that I did!
10:39And the common cold.
10:40Ah, the zoon type.
10:41In fact, I invented that word, too.
10:43You think it's German, but it's not.
10:44It comes from Oprah Winfrey!
10:46Trust me, it doesn't!
10:47So you're all set, Mr. Phillips.
10:59You're in room 306.
11:01Oh, I understand you have tennis courts here?
11:03Yes, we have two tennis courts,
11:05a jacuzzi,
11:06and what we feel is our greatest feature,
11:08our Olympic-sized swimming pool.
11:10Oh, yeah.
11:10I saw it when I drove in.
11:11It looks beautiful.
11:12It is.
11:12But before you go in,
11:14there are a few rules of the pool.
11:16Okay.
11:17First of all,
11:18no urinating in the pool
11:19and no spitting in the pool.
11:22Yeah, that all sounds pretty reasonable to me.
11:24I would expect no less.
11:25We here at the Oakfield Towers
11:26do have the strictest standards.
11:29Glad to hear.
11:29No snot blobs.
11:31Snot blobs?
11:32Do not empty your nose in the pool.
11:35Okay, sure.
11:36Yeah.
11:37No picking your scabs
11:38and letting them float
11:39on the surface of the pool
11:40or your pool privileges
11:42will be revoked.
11:43That's fair, I guess.
11:44No farting into sponges
11:47then throwing them into the pool
11:48during our Best Swimmers contest.
11:50You got a problem with that, do you?
11:51These are just our rules.
11:53Okay.
11:54Do not empty any bags
11:56of pubic hair into the pool.
11:59Why would somebody even have a bag of pubic?
12:01No leaving skid marks on the slide.
12:04Miss, that's nasty.
12:06No sweat-soaked 30-pound bags
12:09of truckers' underwear
12:10are to be lowered
12:11by a rope into the pool.
12:13No using a hollowed-out dog
12:14filled with head cheese
12:15as a flotation device.
12:18You have actually had this stuff happen,
12:20haven't you?
12:20These are just our rules.
12:23You know what?
12:24I don't even know
12:24if I want to go into a pool
12:25that has all these damn rules.
12:26Would you rather swim in a pool
12:28that has snot blobs?
12:30You know,
12:31I don't even think
12:32I want to go in the pool now.
12:33No emptying potato chip bags
12:34in the pool
12:35than going underwater
12:36and filling them
12:37with baby puke.
12:40That's just wrong.
12:42No 130-pound pigs
12:43named Tony
12:44wearing a cowboy hat
12:45allowed in the pool.
12:47Wait a minute.
12:48No pigs?
12:49Not without a bathing suit.
12:51Oh, okay.
12:52I was about to say.
12:53Come on, Tony.
12:55Oh, and no diving.
13:04So, what's the problem?
13:17Well, Doctor,
13:17as you can see,
13:18Scootsy has a problem
13:19with getting on the couch.
13:21I mean,
13:21I've tried everything
13:22and nothing seems to work
13:23and we just got finished
13:24buying a brand new
13:25living room set.
13:26Already the couch is a mess.
13:27I mean,
13:28there's fur everywhere,
13:29the arm is scratched.
13:30I just can't...
13:31I'm sure you're very impressed
13:33by this suit I'm wearing.
13:35Yeah, it's a nice suit.
13:36It fits you beautifully.
13:37Yeah.
13:39But don't just go by that
13:40because I know for a fact
13:41that I can get your cat
13:42to stop jumping up
13:43on the couch
13:43in five minutes.
13:45Five minutes?
13:47Five minutes.
13:48Wait right here.
14:01He's a pretty kid.
14:03He sure is.
14:05They're gonna make you
14:06all better.
14:22It's about time for
14:23That Show.
14:24The show that has
14:25that stuff.
14:27Vague.
14:28And here's your host,
14:29That Guy.
14:33Hi, everybody.
14:34Welcome here.
14:35Why don't we meet
14:36the people who are gonna
14:36play the game?
14:37Our first guy is from
14:38up around that place
14:39where that thing is.
14:40Please welcome Bill.
14:42His opponent likes
14:43to do things.
14:44She has a job.
14:45Say something to Sue.
14:48Now, I guess you both
14:49know how to play the game.
14:50I do this,
14:50you do that.
14:51Something happens.
14:52Ready?
14:53Our first question.
14:55Who was the guy
14:56who did that thing?
14:57Yeah.
14:58The guy with the hair?
15:00That's correct.
15:01Next question.
15:02What happened
15:03after that thing happened?
15:05Uh-huh.
15:05Everything got all weird.
15:07We need a little bit more?
15:09Everything got all,
15:10you know, weird.
15:12Judges?
15:13Whatever.
15:13That's good for some.
15:16Next question.
15:17Where did that thing go?
15:19Uh-huh.
15:19I don't know.
15:21No.
15:22Sorry.
15:22Other guy.
15:23You got me?
15:24No.
15:25We were looking for
15:26Beats Me.
15:27Beats Me.
15:30Our final question.
15:32Those people up north
15:32have a lot of words
15:33for this.
15:35Uh-huh.
15:35Snow.
15:36Could you be a little more vague?
15:38That cold white stuff?
15:39That's correct.
15:40Sue, I'm sorry.
15:44You had some,
15:44but not enough.
15:45Thanks for coming down.
15:47Do we have anything for us?
15:48I guess.
15:49If there's any left.
15:52Uh-oh, Bill.
15:53You know what that means.
15:54No.
15:54It's time for something else.
15:57Why don't we meet
15:58your celebrity partner?
15:59Bill, your celebrity partner
16:00is that guy from that show.
16:08Hey, how's Trix?
16:09Well, you know.
16:10Oh, yeah.
16:12Why don't you tell the folks
16:13a little about what you've done?
16:14I was clinger on MASH
16:15for 11 seasons.
16:18I'm sorry, I don't...
16:19Oh, oh, oh.
16:20I was that guy
16:20that wore those things
16:21on that big show.
16:22Oh!
16:23You were good.
16:24That was good.
16:25Yeah.
16:26Gentlemen, why don't we...
16:27You know...
16:28Bill, you know how we do this.
16:31He says this,
16:32yadda, yadda, yadda,
16:33blah, blah, blah.
16:33And if you get it,
16:35you'll get...
16:36Some of his stuff.
16:37Uh...
16:39So if you're ready,
16:40go.
16:42That...
16:43Guy.
16:44Not this, but...
16:45Something else.
16:46Kinda?
16:47Sorta.
16:48Huh?
16:48Yeah.
16:49Stuff.
16:50Jump.
16:50Yeah!
16:51Yeah!
16:54Wow.
16:55Bill, that was really something.
16:57And you were almost
16:58out of stuff there, too.
16:59I know, I know.
17:00Well, that gives you
17:00a few-day total
17:01of a whole bunch.
17:02Do you want to say
17:04anything to anybody at home?
17:06Yeah.
17:07All right,
17:08we'll see you next time.
17:09But first,
17:10I'd like to thank
17:10our celebrity guest.
17:11Huh?
17:12Hey, thanks, guy.
17:12Oh.
17:14Later!
17:15Contestants on the show
17:16are flown in on a plane
17:18and stay downtown
17:19in that real tall building
17:20in exchange
17:21for this announcement.
17:23This show
17:23has been a production.
17:24Okay, let's keep going here.
17:44Totally new
17:45Calvin Klein ideas.
17:46Take 12.
17:49Hey.
17:51But she got this, sexy.
17:53You mean...
17:54What?
17:54In your hands there.
17:55What have you got?
17:57A piece I'm delivering.
17:58Where's it going?
18:00846 North Cowagher.
18:02That's a sexy, sexy street.
18:06What you talking about, man?
18:07What kind of car
18:08do you deliver the pizzas in?
18:10Dotson Honeybee.
18:11All right.
18:12Nice, nice.
18:13So, uh,
18:14let's see the pizza, huh?
18:19Wow.
18:20That's a sexy pizza, huh?
18:23That's a large pizza
18:24with all the fixings.
18:26You're weird, man.
18:27And you're sexy.
18:28You know what the best part
18:29of that sexy pizza is?
18:31I bet it stays hot
18:32all night long, huh?
18:34Nah, it'll get cold eventually.
18:37Go pay up for this.
18:40It's $8.
18:41Cut.
18:42Okay, we're ready to go again.
18:44Uh, uh, excuse me.
18:46Clear the, uh, set, please.
18:51Hey.
18:53Hey, you're late.
18:54Where you been, sexy?
18:56Cleaning scum.
18:58Cleaning the moldy, crusty, brown scum
19:00that's in and around public toilets.
19:02Digging the oozing, pussy bile
19:03that seeps through the cracks in the pipes.
19:05You know, it's got nowhere to go
19:07because all the matted,
19:08mucus-ridden hairballs
19:09that clog up the drain.
19:10You know what I'm saying?
19:11It's disgusting.
19:12It really is.
19:13Hey, can I get, like,
19:14a handy wipe or something?
19:15Because I've been eating Danish
19:16and I get really dirty.
19:18Something like that?
19:19This isn't working.
19:20Huh?
19:20Coming up on MADtv.
19:28I ate his liver with some fava beans
19:30and a nice Chianti.
19:32You know what I say to that?
19:34Good for you.
19:35Sorry, you'd go out with me, right?
19:37I mean, come on.
19:38You don't want to marry Kirsten.
19:41MADtv.
19:43You are now watching MADtv.
19:51Hi.
19:51Hi.
19:52I bought this toaster here
19:53and it's broken.
19:54What's wrong with it?
19:55Well, it always burns the toast.
19:56Doesn't matter what setting
19:57you put it on,
19:58it always burns the toast.
19:59Well, I can have your toaster
20:00fixed in five minutes.
20:01Oh, five minutes?
20:02That's great.
20:06He's a purdy toaster.
20:08He sure is.
20:10He's going to make good toast.
20:14Let's go ahead and have a seat.
20:15Woo-hoo!
20:17Woo-hoo!
20:19Woo-hoo!
20:20Hold her, get out of my mouth!
20:23Woo-hoo!
20:24Get away!
20:25Oh, you're here!
20:31Good morning.
20:34Not a real FBI agent, are we?
20:38Jack Crawford is awful desperate
20:40to send a trainee to question me.
20:43He wants to know about Buffalo Bill, doesn't he?
20:47Yes.
20:48That Bill's a naughty one.
20:50You're wearing a Vita skin cream.
20:57And what a nice outfit.
20:59Did you make it yourself?
21:01As if!
21:05This is Dolce & Cabana,
21:07the shoes are Gucci,
21:08and the purse is a Prada.
21:10Don't be at hard.
21:11I come from this wicked fat house in Beverly Hills,
21:17but now I live in this majorly cottage G-ceiling dorm
21:20with all these other FBI geek trainees,
21:22and you're not even allowed to hire a closet organizer.
21:26Whatever.
21:27This is my first case,
21:29because this serial killer had really wigged,
21:31but there was no excuse for trashing my face.
21:33Here, this will protect you from the smell.
21:35Excuse me?
21:39Oh, my God.
21:42Clip-ons.
21:43No wonder he killed her.
21:44I jeeped back to Hannibal's crib,
21:48but all he talked about was munching Barneys.
21:52A census taker once tried to test me.
21:55I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
21:59Fava beans?
22:01Carbo City.
22:03Don't make me hurl.
22:05Clarice, I can help you find Buffalo Bill.
22:07He used to be a patient of mine.
22:09His name is...
22:10Hey, Ty.
22:12What's the 4-1-1?
22:14No.
22:15A sale at Saks?
22:18I'm outie.
22:18If it wasn't for the FBI,
22:20I would have never gone to Buffalo Bill's in the first place.
22:23Who wants to be seen in the valley?
22:25I'm freaking.
22:27I can feel the chunks rising up in my throat.
22:31It's like I had two mochaccinos.
22:34I can't serial killers live in nice places.
22:40Way cool specs.
22:42Are those Oliver Peoples?
22:45It will give the expensive night vision glasses back.
22:48Okay.
22:48Nipple rings?
22:52That is so last week.
22:56Ooh!
22:57Project!
22:58I stopped by Hannibal for more info,
23:00but he pulled a total Ricky Lake on me.
23:03You never told me why you left Beverly Hills, Clarice.
23:07Well, I bought this dope lambswell sweater at Betsy Johnson.
23:10But when I put it on,
23:12I got this totally furiously major big rash.
23:18And I'm all...
23:19I'm itching here.
23:22So, I took the sweater back.
23:26How did it feel?
23:27Well, the sales clerks were called.
23:30Very cold.
23:31Very cold.
23:33You could never shop Melrose again, could you, Clarice?
23:36Total shame spiral.
23:39So, you think by stopping Buffalo Bill,
23:42you can forget about how clueless you were about the lambs?
23:45Oh, my God.
23:49You are so smart.
23:51Dr. Lecter performed a nose job on my soul.
23:54Totally realized my life's work.
23:56Doing good deeds for serial killers.
23:58No big deal
24:12If I puke my meal
24:15I'm gonna be a fashion model
24:19And I'll make Kate Moss look just like Chris Farley
24:24Just, you see, when I'm a fashion model
24:27And my bones will stick through my skin
24:32I'm gonna be a fashion model
24:36And for outstanding work in the field of appearance modification,
24:44Clarice Starling.
24:50Thanks.
24:51You know, most homicidal maniacs are ensembly challenged
24:55And their makeover potential is way limited.
24:59Excuse me.
25:01Hello?
25:02Well, Clarice, congratulations on your promotion.
25:06Dr. Lecter, what up?
25:08Where are you?
25:09I've escaped, Clarice.
25:10Like, you're not gonna go postal again, are you?
25:12As if.
25:16Classic.
25:17I had turned Buffalo Bill from a Barney into a total Betty.
25:21From this day on,
25:22FBI stands for Fashionably Backwards Intervention.
25:27Ladies and gentlemen, a mad moment from Dana Gould.
25:45You know what makes me mad?
25:50People who are always complaining about how mad they always are.
25:54Especially when that anger is directed at a little lady called the U.S. of A.
26:00That's right.
26:01America.
26:03America is all things to all people.
26:05It's...
26:06It's Patty Duke and David Duke.
26:08It's the P.T.A. and the N.R.A.
26:12It's...
26:12It's the daughters of the American Revolution
26:15and an illegal immigrant farm worker
26:17huddled in the back of a late model Buick
26:19as it's waved through the border.
26:22I see America every day.
26:24I see it in the eyes of a seven-year-old boy
26:26on his opening day of Little League
26:27as he looks up in the stands at his mom,
26:30who's five months pregnant,
26:31drinking a beer, smoking a cigarette,
26:33and screaming at the amp,
26:34You call that a strike?
26:35I hope you get cancer!
26:36I see it in the eyes of a high school football star.
26:42You know,
26:43the one who never moved out of town,
26:44never got married,
26:45and always wants to babysit.
26:49I see it in the eyes of the Iowa corn farmer
26:51as he looks out onto his crops.
26:53And later,
26:54as he's abducted by aliens
26:55and forced to endure an ungodly anal probe.
26:59Have you ever noticed that aliens only abduct farmers
27:01from the American Midwest,
27:03never Germany or France?
27:04Could it be that our boys have that certain
27:07je ne sais quoi?
27:11Oh, I'm sure people in England and France
27:13think they're better than we are
27:15because of their centuries of culture and art.
27:18Wrong.
27:20Let me ask you a question.
27:21Have you ever been to a strip joint in England?
27:23Forget it!
27:24The girls are all flabby and pale.
27:26Oh, I'm from England.
27:27There's my bottom.
27:28I'm so saucy.
27:29And the dollar bills,
27:33the dollar bills,
27:33they're not even bills.
27:34They're called pounds.
27:35They're these eight-ounce silver coins.
27:37Ever try to stuff half a pound of metal
27:38into a G-string?
27:39You can't do it.
27:40The girls are dancing,
27:41the guys are excited,
27:42they're throwing money on stage,
27:43the strippers are all cut and bruised.
27:45The system does not work.
27:47But our forefathers came here
27:49and created a land
27:50where a girl can dance naked
27:51without the fear of being pelted
27:52by precious metals.
27:55Because of George Washington,
27:56right now on Sunset Boulevard,
27:58there's an 18-year-old girl
28:00dancing nude on a table
28:01in front of a room full of nervous drunks.
28:05And because he came to America,
28:08that illegal immigrant farm worker,
28:10he now has his own farm.
28:12And as he looks out onto his crops
28:14that he planted with his own hands,
28:16he feels a sense of quiet pride.
28:19In a few moments,
28:22he's abducted by aliens.
28:25And as they strap him nose down
28:27to a cold steel table
28:28and prepare to poke and probe
28:30at his dusky unmentionables,
28:32he knows that he's arrived
28:35in America.
28:37Look!
28:53She's gonna jump!
28:54Oh
29:24Hi, I'm Nicole Sullivan
29:26You know
29:30After you spend a few weeks with people
29:33You really get to know who they are
29:35And now that I've done that
29:37Here on MADtv
29:38Well, it's time to move on
29:42It's not that I don't like the show
29:44It's just that
29:45Well, I've dated everyone
29:47And there's no one here for me
29:51I mean, okay, Orlando
29:53Big, beautiful eyes
29:55Nice ass
29:56I don't need the competition
30:00And David Herman
30:03Put a club on that tongue
30:05Because it's going to get you arrested
30:06Okay
30:07Phil, he's supportive
30:09He's caring, he really loves me
30:11No
30:13Artie
30:15Artie
30:17Breakfast would have been nice
30:20And
30:22And Brian
30:23Maybe smelling like smoked turkey in France
30:26Is cool
30:27But
30:27No
30:28Okay, then there's
30:30Mary
30:31And Deborah
30:32Okay
30:33That's fun for one night
30:34But I'm looking long term
30:35Why couldn't I be on a show
30:40With some cute guys
30:42But here it's like
30:43Oh, gee, Nicole
30:44Come be on our show
30:46It'll be fun
30:47I mean
30:47Have you seen what the people
30:49Who run this show
30:51Look like
30:51I mean, give me something
30:52To work with
30:53I don't want to be here
30:58I want to be on ER
31:01Dr. Carter would go out with me
31:06Watch, watch
31:07I can do it
31:07Watch, watch
31:08Quick
31:08Nurse Hathaway
31:09We need you at ER too
31:10Stat, see
31:11I can do it
31:12I can do it
31:13Nicole, please
31:14Or, or, or
31:16Even 60 Minutes
31:17I like older men
31:18Watch, watch, watch
31:19I can do this
31:20Hi
31:20I'm Marley Safer
31:21Hi
31:22I'm Ed Bradley
31:22Hi
31:23I'm Nicole Sullivan
31:23And this is 60 Minutes
31:24See
31:25I can do it
31:26Nicole
31:27Oh, well, wait, wait
31:29Party of Five
31:30No, there's a show
31:31With some cute guys
31:32Watch, watch
31:33Oh, Charlie
31:34We don't have enough money
31:35For rent
31:36See
31:37I can do it
31:38I can do it
31:39Okay, Nicole
31:40You want to be on Party of Five
31:41You've got it
31:42What?
31:43You've got your wish
31:44Goodbye
31:46Oh, cool
31:48Watch out
31:50Because it's going to be
31:52A party of six
31:54Oh, yes
31:55Yes
31:56Coming this fall
32:04From the makers of
32:05Goodfellas
32:07From the creators of
32:09Scarface
32:11From the producers of
32:13Miller's Crossing
32:15From the director of
32:17The Untouchables
32:19Starring the Oscar award winning actor from
32:22The Godfather
32:24Written by the author of
32:27The Stand
32:28Based on the book by the author of
32:31Carlito's Way
32:32Photographed by the cinematographer of
32:36The Black Stallion
32:37Now comes a heartwarmingly tragic film
32:41In the tradition of
32:42Legends of the Fall
32:44And
32:45The Bridges of Madison County
32:47The story of a man and a woman
32:50Like in
32:51A man and a woman
32:53And a nation torn apart by hatred
32:56Like in
32:58Gone with the Wind
32:59This film is coming to you shortly
33:02Before the same holiday season
33:04That brought you
33:06Snow and candy canes
33:08In the same theaters that you saw
33:11Jaws
33:12And
33:13Close Encounters of the Third Kind
33:16This film is rated the same as
33:19Cape Fear
33:20And
33:21Unforgiven
33:23And
33:24Broadcast News
33:26Children unable to see
33:28Platoon
33:28Or
33:29Basic Instinct
33:31Not admitted without parent
33:3345
33:38Okay
33:39Let's take it from the top
33:41Man
33:42Am I hungry
33:43This special today
33:46Is
33:47Meatloaf
33:48I barely return
33:49Uh
33:51Hi
33:52Hi
33:54Josh
33:56The line ends with
33:57Meatloaf
33:58What
33:58I was
33:59I was
33:59Just reacting
34:00Meatloaf
34:02Party 5
34:04Take 2
34:04Man
34:05I'm hungry
34:06The special today
34:09Is
34:09Meatloaf
34:10How can you think of eating at a time like this
34:15Jeez Charlie
34:15When are you going to become responsible
34:16I mean
34:17Owen's got an earring
34:18And we have
34:19Oh man
34:20Party 5
34:23Take 3
34:24Oh god
34:25Bailey
34:25I love you
34:26You are so cute
34:27And so
34:28Hot
34:29And I knew it was never going to work out
34:30With you
34:31Or Kate
34:32Or Jill
34:32Or Kirsten
34:33What
34:34What you need
34:35My friend
34:36Is an older woman
34:37I could show you
34:39Some very cool things
34:41Get her off of there
34:42What
34:43What
34:43I can
34:44I can do
34:44This
34:45Charlie
34:46Charlie
34:46You'd go out
34:47With me
34:47Right
34:48I mean
34:48Come on
34:49You don't want to marry
34:50Kirsten
34:50She's
34:51Barren
34:52And I'm
34:53Fertile
34:54I could have your baby
34:55I could do that
34:56And it would have a great
34:56Don't touch me
34:57It would have a great body
34:58Just like
34:59You
35:00And we could do
35:00Do it on camera
35:01And then
35:02That was a really good
35:03Episode
35:03Party
35:04You
35:06I
35:07I
35:08I
35:10I
35:11I
35:12I
35:14I
35:16I
35:18I
35:20I
35:22I
35:24I
35:26I
35:28I
35:30I
35:32Next week on MADtv
35:56Are you ready?
35:57Yes, I'm ready!
35:58How ready?
35:59Ready!
35:59Guess who's coming to dinner?
36:06Indigestion
36:07We've replaced the padding
36:08In Mike Tyson's heavy bag
36:10With comedian
36:11Billy Barty
36:12Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen
36:21And welcome to corporate seminar number four
36:24How about a great big seminar?
36:26Hello?
36:26Hello?
36:27Terrific!
36:28My name is Debbie Dander
36:31And for those of you who don't know me
36:32I'm a human motivator for Duo Lab USA
36:35So if at any time throughout the seminar
36:37You have any questions
36:38Feel free
36:39After all
36:40People do
36:41Okay
36:42I see a few familiar faces here
36:45From my last presentation
36:47The very popular
36:48Ron's embezzling
36:49Now today's scheduled presentation was
36:51Ron says hi to hygiene
36:53But because of yesterday's little industrial accident
36:55I've been asked to change the program
36:57Okay
36:59Let's get started with today's seminar
37:01Entitled
37:02Ron is high
37:03Dealing with drugs in the workplace
37:06Now that's a tough scary subject, isn't it?
37:09Yes!
37:10But remember
37:10You're management
37:11You're tough scary people
37:13And you know what I say to that?
37:14Good for you!
37:15Okay
37:16Before we begin
37:18I'm going to pass around the drug sampler
37:21A bowl containing the kinds of things
37:24You're going to be looking for
37:25Here are marijuana joints
37:28Hypodermic needles
37:30Biles of crack cocaine
37:33And crystal meth
37:35A.K.A. bumps of cry
37:36There you go
37:38Now, we all know we're wrong, don't we?
37:41Yes!
37:42His shirt is untucked
37:43His workspace is a little bit less than tidy
37:46And he rarely responds to your cheery
37:48Good morning
37:49Just the kind of employee you'd expect to be tripping at the switch
37:53So what do you do?
37:55Well, let Ron know you're on his side
37:57By using the drug lingo
37:59For example
38:00In passing, you might say
38:02Ron, before the snowstorm hits
38:05Let's have some tea with my friend Mary Jane
38:08Then we'll ride the white horse
38:10Now, you may want to wink at Ron
38:14Telling him in body language
38:15I know you take drugs and I'm into them too
38:17Excellent
38:19I see our drug sampler has made the rounds
38:21And I also notice that it is empty
38:24Well, managers, that naturally brings us
38:28To our most reliable method
38:30For detecting the drug addicts in our midst
38:32Random drug testing
38:33When you get your specimen cup, tinkle away
38:36Yes, we're going to do it right here, right now
38:38I'll do a Lab USA toast
38:41Each of you implicitly
38:42We want to make sure you're not giving us
38:44Shall we say, milk from someone else's cow
38:46T.T. and the plastic cups
38:49Wipe your hands with the moist towelette
38:50That we've provided
38:51And hand them to your boss and mine, Mr. Glasser
38:53Then we'll move on to the final part of our seminar
38:57Ron has unemployed and has moved back in with his parents
39:00Good luck
39:00Super direct
39:02Okay, let's finish up here
39:11We've got a few more
39:12Totally new Galwin Klein ideas
39:14Takes 38
39:16Hey
39:18Hey there, sexy
39:19Well, hello there, my dear
39:21That's a real tight habit you got on there, huh?
39:24That's a nice, sexy outfit
39:25Now, now, now
39:27I'm not one of those hip nuns
39:29I'm just an old-fashioned, celibate, fuddy-duddy
39:32Who likes things just the way they are
39:33Oh, come on, come on
39:35You never think about sex?
39:37Oh, I don't have time
39:39What with the Friday night bingo
39:41Monthly car washes
39:42And junkets to the local retirement center
39:45Cut
39:45Thank you, sister
39:46You can go now
39:47All righty
39:48See you all in heaven
39:49Do you have anyone left?
39:52Okay, this is the last one
39:54Uh, let's make it work
39:55Mark
39:56Hey there, sexy
39:57Oh, he's purdy
40:00He sure is
40:02Let's get him
40:03What the second
40:05What is it?
40:06Oh, oh
40:07My cheese
40:08My cheese
40:10Ow
40:10Oh, oh, oh
40:13Oh, oh, oh
40:29I don't know.
40:59All those in favor, say aye.
41:02Aye.
41:03Hey, guys.
41:04I just stopped by to show you my work on Party of Five.
41:07It was so cool.
41:08What part did you play?
41:10I played the lead waitress,
41:12and Scott Wolf was totally checking me out.
41:16And when I was working with the other actors,
41:17it was like, it was chemistry.
41:19Wait, it's so cool.
41:19I'm going to show you guys.
41:20I'm so excited.
41:22Watch, watch, watch.
41:25Man, am I hungry.
41:26What do you think of eating at a time like this?
41:30Gee, Charlie, when are you going to grow up and become responsible?
41:32I mean, Owen's got an earache,
41:33and we haven't even got a babysitter for prom night.
41:36Hey, what happened?
41:39Ouch.
41:40Wait, wait, how do I remind it?
41:42How do I remind it?
41:43You're not in it.
41:44No, I wasn't.
41:44I remember I went down there in my car, and they cut you out.
41:49Oh.
41:50Well, that's okay.
41:51That's okay, because I didn't like it there anyway,
41:53and you guys are very cute,
41:55and, um, I choose to be on MADtv.
41:58I choose it because you guys are nice,
42:01and because you guys would never treat me like that.
42:05Good night.
42:07All those opposed, say nay.
42:09Nay.
42:12You voted twice.
42:13And so did...
42:14You can't vote...
42:15So did Artie.
42:15I'm sorry.
42:16You can't do this.
42:18We cannot have a vote if you vote twice.
42:20It's very simple.
42:21Vote once.
42:22See, that's how we end up with, like,
42:2380 more than getting votes at 13 all the time.
42:25Yeah, exactly.
42:26I thought myself was...
42:27...
42:34...
42:35...
42:35...
42:38...
42:43...
Recommended
42:38
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