MADtv S04E05

Mad TV

Season 4 Episode 5  madtv reality playboy

Transcript

00:00Thanks for clapping, you guys are loud.

00:22Alright, folks at MADtv told me that I had a minute to come out here and introduce the show

00:26and tell everybody about my summer vacation,

00:28which is totally cool because I'm not even going to need a minute because I didn't take a summer vacation.

00:33I never take a vacation, you know, although I did take off Labor Day,

00:35which is sort of funny because, you know, it's Labor Day.

00:38Like, you know, labor means work and I wasn't working, you know.

00:41Actually, I don't think anybody works on Labor Day.

00:43I mean, they should change their name.

00:43They should call it to, like, you know, sit around, watch TV day, you know, something like that.

00:48Oh.

00:49Alright, well, I guess that was my minute.

00:52Too bad because I didn't get to tell you about the show yet.

00:53I mean, the show's really cool.

00:54I mean, you know, costumes and wigs and, you know, like, you know, he look like a man.

00:58You know, like, you know, like, little guy, he's a really big guy and he's like,

01:02no, you know, and, you know, and, oh, oh, and the clay mission, you know, like,

01:06it's like Gumby only it's, like, dirty and violent, you know.

01:08I mean, it's like, well, you're not, but, and, alright, oh, that's my minute and, oh, plus.

01:12So, uh, enjoy the show.

01:14I gotta go.

01:15Let's see you guys.

01:45Would you like to go out, boy?

02:06Sit.

02:08Who's a good boy?

02:09You're a good boy.

02:12Now roll over.

02:17Okay.

02:17Now, Ryan, when I count to three, you're going to wake up relaxed, refreshed, and remember

02:24nothing.

02:25One, two, three.

02:28How do you feel, Ryan?

02:30Fine.

02:31When are you going to hypnotize me?

02:32Oh, I guess you're not open to the power of suggestion.

02:38I'll explain the collar later, Rover.

02:40I mean, Ryan.

02:43Well, folks, that's just further proof that I, the amazing Mesmo, can hypnotize anyone.

02:49Let's just keep the fun going with a volunteer from our audience.

02:53Can we get one?

02:54Huh?

02:54Any will?

02:54How about you, young lady?

02:55Come on up here.

02:56Okay.

02:57Here I go.

03:06Okay.

03:06Hey, uh, why don't we just get you turned around here so everybody can see you.

03:10And, uh, first of all, I'd like to establish that you and I have never met before.

03:15Is that correct?

03:16You're okay with me before.

03:18No, no.

03:19No, I said we've never met before.

03:21That's important to...

03:21Yeah, no, not...

03:23Okay, excellent.

03:25Excellent.

03:26As I said, we have never met before.

03:28And your name is?

03:29Miss Swan.

03:30Okay, Miss Swan.

03:31What I need you to do is have a seat on this chair.

03:36I want you to be perfectly relaxed.

03:39And close your eyes for me.

03:41Okay.

03:42Okay, and close your eyes.

03:45Okay, go.

03:47Okay, I will, but I need you to close your eyes first is all.

03:51Just, can you close your eyes for me?

03:52Yeah.

03:52It's just, okay.

03:54You go.

03:55No, I need you to close your eyes.

03:57I'm going to hypnotize you and...

03:59Okay, okay.

04:00No visual distractions that way.

04:02Okay, of course.

04:03So, no, your eyes are open, Miss Swan.

04:05But now?

04:06They're still open, yeah.

04:08Okay, if you could just...

04:09Okay.

04:12All right, that's not exactly...

04:13Okay, both eyes, please.

04:14No, no squinting.

04:15No, but then I cannot see you hypnotize me.

04:17Well, that's the idea, Miss Swan.

04:20You can't see me hypnotize you.

04:21Then you'll know it's coming.

04:22No, but then maybe you cop a fear or take my purse.

04:25Okay.

04:26You know what?

04:27Okay, fine.

04:28I've got a different idea.

04:29Let's try something a little different.

04:31An alternative method.

04:33I have in my hand a silver talisman.

04:36Now, okay, you know, don't touch that.

04:38It needs to be shiny.

04:40Okay.

04:42I need you to focus your eyes.

04:44I can't see myself inside.

04:46It's so shiny.

04:49That's good.

04:49That's how it should look.

04:50Okay, now just...

04:51Okay, just look at yourself in the talisman.

04:53Can you see?

04:53Yeah.

04:54Can you...

04:54Okay.

04:54Now, we'll keep your eyes there.

04:56I am going to count to three.

04:58And now, Miss Swan, it really is important.

05:00It's pivotal that you keep your eyes right here.

05:03Okay.

05:04I am going to count to three.

05:05And okay.

05:07Just can we...

05:08Just keep looking at this.

05:10I am going to count to three.

05:11And on the count of three.

05:13Okay.

05:15Okay.

05:16One.

05:17Two.

05:18No, I'm going to count to three.

05:19You just stay quiet and watch this, please.

05:21Can you do that for me?

05:22Just watch.

05:23Just keep your eyes here.

05:24I'm going to count to three.

05:25You just be quiet and watch, okay?

05:28Okay.

05:29One.

05:31Two.

05:32Three.

05:35Miss Swan, can you hear me?

05:37Yeah, okay.

05:38I hypnotize, not deaf, you know.

05:42Okay.

05:45Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, Miss Swan has now fallen into a deep trance.

05:49So, let's have a little fun with her, shall we?

05:53Miss Swan, I am going to count to three and snap my fingers.

05:57And when you hear three, you are going to imagine that you are a small, fuzzy duck.

06:03One, two, three.

06:05Three.

06:12You're a duck.

06:14Yeah, okay.

06:18Do you have anything you'd like to say?

06:24And what exactly is that supposed to be?

06:28That I'm a duck.

06:29That's not a duck.

06:30Yeah, I'm a duck.

06:31That is not the noise that a duck makes, Miss Swan.

06:33Are you really hypnotized?

06:35Are you mocking me right now?

06:35Yeah, I tell you all the time I hypnotize.

06:37Okay, fine, fine.

06:41But that's not a duck.

06:42A duck, do you know what a duck sounds like?

06:43Or maybe do a monkey.

06:44What?

06:45Or maybe you do a monkey I can do.

06:49Okay, so you're telling me that if I put you under and give you a suggestion that you're

06:53a monkey, you will act like a monkey.

06:54Is that correct?

06:55Yeah, everything I do for you.

06:56Okay, fine.

06:59That's fine.

06:59Okay, ladies and gentlemen, on the count of three, I will snap my fingers and Miss Swan

07:03will believe that she is a small, fuzzy monkey.

07:07Are we okay?

07:08Are we...

07:09Please?

07:11One, two, three.

07:19No, no.

07:27That's the duck.

07:28That's the duck noise you're making now.

07:30Okay, then I can't do a duck.

07:31No, that's not a duck.

07:32That's not a duck and it's not a...

07:34What is da-da-da-da-da?

07:35It's a duck.

07:36That's nothing.

07:37A duck goes quack, quack, quack, quack, and a monkey goes...

07:40Guy, where are you going, folks?

07:45Okay, now I can't do to U.P.L.

07:47You just blew my shot at the Rosie O'Donnell show.

07:50Oh, now you say Rosie, I can do look.

07:53Hi, I'm Debra Wilson, and if there's one thing I love, it's feelin' to you.

08:11From my head to my toes, and that's why I use Spritz-A-Mist Body Spray.

08:30Just one spray, and I'm feeling fresh all day.

08:35Mmm, tingly.

08:37But I don't just use it here.

08:39I use it all over, so that every bit of me feels silky smooth.

08:43And I'm not just talking about my hoo-ha.

08:45I also spray it on my tulip and my ling-ling.

08:48But why stop there?

08:49I Spritz-A-Mist on my thingy, around my button, and up my noo-noo.

08:55Because after all, isn't that where freshness really counts?

08:58And he loves it when I spray Spritz-A-Mist on my silly dilly.

09:01And sometimes, I even spray a little on his Tweedledee-Dee.

09:08Spritz-A-Mist Body Spray, for thousands of fresh uses.

09:14Spritz-A-Mist Body Spray is not intended for use on human genitalia or your weekly room.

09:20Spritz-A-Mist Body Sprayan from dry

09:22Now it's time to talk American with Mr. Dai Akai and Rui Perania.

09:36Yes, and welcome to the show.

09:38As you can see, Rui and I are very, very pissed off.

09:42Yeah, that's right.

09:43Usually, I guess we have great Americans.

09:46Yeah.

09:46Well, not today.

09:47Yeah.

09:48No, no.

09:49I mean, no!

09:51That's right. Today, we have a very, very bad person.

09:54Please, welcome to the show...

09:59...Demonica Lewinsky.

10:01Boo! You stupid bitch!

10:04What were you thinking?

10:06Whore! You violent violent whore!

10:09Stupid bitch!

10:10That's right!

10:12You like it, whore!

10:13You bitch!

10:14Stop!

10:15Whore, slut trick tramp!

10:17Whore, slut trick tramp!

10:19You should be ashamed of yourself.

10:21You have disgraced and have destroyed our great president, Bill Clinton!

10:25Okay, am I gonna, like, get to tell my side of the story, Mr. Takalai?

10:28Hey, that guy! That guy!

10:29And let me tell you something.

10:30If it was not for your big fat mouth,

10:32we would not be in his trouble in the first place!

10:37You know, all the talk shows wanted me, and I decided to do yours.

10:41Oh, what do you want?

10:42Medal for to put on your chest, or to...

10:45Medal for chest into chest medal, or...

10:48You know, nobody knows what it's like to be me right now, okay?

10:57I mean, I can't even leave the house, okay?

10:59Everyone is, like, super pissed at me.

11:01Oh, what do you want?

11:02Medal for to chest and put on neck, or...

11:05Hey, hey, hey, you ruined.

11:06It was good the first time.

11:07You don't need to beat it on the ground.

11:08Okay, gotcha.

11:09So, um, I saw you guys come on the TV, and I thought you guys would be nice.

11:14We are nice!

11:15Why can't you be nice to me?

11:17We are not going to be nice to you, and I'm going to tell you why.

11:19Because you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you...

11:22What is the word I am looking for?

11:27You are a filthy rat bitch, you bitch!

11:31That's right.

11:32Let me tell you something.

11:33In my country, in my country, I have many, many wives.

11:37My wife, Bukulu, Big Booty, Tata, Fat Fat, and Janet.

11:42They all know what goes on in Mr. Dakia's hut, stays on in Mr. Dakia's hut.

11:47Except for Janet.

11:48She liked to talk a lot.

11:49She was a player hater.

11:52But nobody understands me.

11:54Oh, but, hey, don't, don't cry, lady.

11:59I mean, I, I totally loved him, and I still do.

12:03I mean, he loves me.

12:05It's just, fate keeps us apart.

12:08It's just like, Ross and Rachel and friends.

12:12You know?

12:13You, you watch Friends?

12:16Well, yeah.

12:17I love it.

12:18Duh, it's must-see TV.

12:24Hey, you, you, you, you, wait, come on.

12:26This one is bad news.

12:27No, no, no.

12:28She's, she's feeling like to the Rachel when Ross is going to England to marry the other woman.

12:34Ha, ha, ha, ha.

12:35It was a funny episode.

12:39You look just like Bill did that Easter Sunday right now.

12:42No, I, I, I don't, I don't want to hear this.

12:44I don't want to hear this.

12:45Um, it was so romantic.

12:47I, you know, I, I, I wasn't wearing a bra or anything, cause, you know, it was hot.

12:51I went downstairs and into the Oval Office.

12:55And Billy was just lying there all alone on the couch.

13:00Hey, hey, what, hey, what are you doing?

13:02Hey, don't you go to a damn commercial.

13:03Don't give me a stand.

13:04Get up.

13:05Get up.

13:06Get up.

13:07Continue.

13:08Well, um, anyway, he, he was lying on the couch.

13:10And, you know, he was super ready, if you know what I mean.

13:13Right.

13:14And, um, I, I like leaned over him and my, my blouse accidentally opened.

13:20And I just, I got closer and closer.

13:24Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

13:26Hey.

13:27Hey, hey.

13:28You, hey.

13:29No, no, don't you see what she's trying to do?

13:30She's trying to suck us in and get us in trouble.

13:31No, no, no, no.

13:32She's not trying to suck us.

13:33No, she's, she's, she's feeling sad.

13:35No, she, she feels like that.

13:39I felt when I got to the Ford booth, and you know the guy, trying to be cool.

13:42He's like, oh, you need to only get that change, man.

13:45And I do people like to say, OK.

13:47I'm sorry, buddy.

13:48And I'm feeling sad, like, she's feeling now.

13:53I guess we could forgive her.

13:55Yes, but the next time the president offers you a cigar,

13:58just say no thank you.

13:59I'm trying to quit.

14:00I totally promise.

14:01That part was really gross anyway.

14:03And the leaves are stuck everywhere.

14:06Oh, well, that is our show for today.

14:09And this has been our guest, the little slut.

14:12Mr. Donnelly.

14:13Hey, hey, don't get mad at me.

14:14I'm just reading what's on the cue card.

14:15Our guest today was Manine Kalowinski.

14:19Yes.

14:19Oh, and then goodbye, America.

14:21Sorry about the whole mix-up.

14:22Now, now, go back to the Easter Sunday

14:23with the blouse and the cha-chas.

14:25Come on.

14:25Oh, okay.

14:26No, no, no, no, no.

14:27Stop in the beginning and don't leave anything out.

14:30Okay, well, it was Easter.

14:31So, you know, I'm going to be horny to begin with.

14:33What is horny?

14:37Bye!

14:42Bye!

14:44Bye!

14:52Officer Winter.

15:00Hi.

15:01I'm Detective Coleman.

15:02So, you're the commissioner's mother.

15:05Yes, sir.

15:05Ma'am.

15:06I am.

15:07Ma'am.

15:08Sir.

15:08Ma'am.

15:09But I want no preferential treatment because of that fact

15:12or because I'm a woman.

15:14I would just like to be treated like everybody else.

15:16Okay.

15:16Fair enough.

15:17This is very nice work.

15:19Yes, it's very hard work, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

15:23Oh, oh, yeah.

15:23Except for one small thing.

15:26See, what you made here is a big square,

15:28but the victim isn't square-shaped, isn't he?

15:30Okay.

15:32Okay, I see where you're going with this,

15:34and I think you may be right.

15:36The whole square thing is wrong.

15:38Okay, don't worry about it.

15:39First day and all.

15:40You know, I understand.

15:41But you do know the difference between a square and a human shape, yes?

15:44I'd like to think so, yes.

15:46I'm very sorry.

15:47This won't happen again.

15:48Oh, I'm sure it won't.

15:49I'll just let you get to it.

15:54Ah!

15:59Ah!

16:02Ah!

16:08Ah!

16:13Ah!

16:14Whoa!

16:14What are you doing?

16:18Here we go.

16:19Not right, huh?

16:20Absolutely not right.

16:22So you're supposed to be tracing the body.

16:25Tracing the body.

16:26Didn't anybody tell you?

16:27If they did, I must have missed it.

16:29Okay, well, then somebody just should have told you, that's all.

16:32No, listen, don't go easy on me just because I'm the commissioner's mother, okay?

16:37I should have figured it out on my own.

16:39Okay, don't worry about it.

16:40Calm down.

16:40No real harm done.

16:41Just everything is all clear now, yes?

16:44Yes.

16:45I'm going to trace that body with this chalk.

16:49Good.

16:50Now, I'll be back to check on you, okay?

16:52Okay, I'll be here.

16:53Okay.

16:53And you're fine.

16:54Okay.

16:55Okay.

16:55Oh, my God.

17:14I don't even want to know how the hell you did this.

17:17Me neither.

17:18Look, I know you're the commissioner's mother and all.

17:24For which I want to receive no special treatment, okay?

17:28The point is...

17:28Hit me.

17:29Okay?

17:30Excuse me?

17:31You want to hit me, just hit me.

17:33Okay?

17:33I can tell you.

17:34I'm a weak sister here.

17:35I am most certainly not going to hit you.

17:39I am, however, having very serious doubts about your ability to do this job.

17:44Hey, what's going on here?

17:45Come here.

17:46That's okay, Mom.

17:47She did it.

17:48What?

17:49Wait a minute.

17:50I didn't...

17:51I'm so proud of you, Mom.

17:53She was so mean.

17:54And she was killing people.

17:56Oh, that's okay.

17:57You pulled through, huh?

17:58Good little cop.

17:59Yeah, that's right.

18:00How about you make me some Hot Pockets tonight?

18:02Would that cheer you up?

18:03It's wild, big killer crack lady.

18:08Oh, girl.

18:10Now, why on earth did you get me this?

18:11This is how I got this way in the first place.

18:15Oh, it's beautiful.

18:16God, no.

18:18I can't believe her.

18:19It's like she's got radar.

18:26Hi, Trina.

18:27Everyone, this is Trina.

18:31Such pretty pink balloons and streamers.

18:35Oh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

18:37I just came to borrow a cup of milk.

18:40Breast or regular?

18:43Well, I wouldn't know about that.

18:45I've never lactated.

18:47You see, I don't have any children.

18:49Because of my condition.

18:51Okay.

18:52Here it comes.

18:53I'm barren.

18:59Oh, no, no, no.

19:01See, I'm actually, I'm really quite happy, you know.

19:04I have my little precious moments, figurines, to keep my spirit soaring.

19:09Okay, well, here's the milk, and just take all of it.

19:15Don't even worry about paying me back.

19:17Oh, the cake looks so good, so delicious, like it would taste just delicious, but I should

19:26go.

19:26Yeah, you see.

19:27I should really go.

19:28Doreen, Doreen.

19:29I should really go.

19:30No, no, no, Trina, Trina, look, no, why don't you stay and have some, please?

19:33Oh, well, sure.

19:35I can always polish my figurines later.

19:38Oh, and I have a card for emergencies just like this.

19:44Look, it's got a little owl, and he's sitting on a little tree.

19:53Blinky, the owl's got something to say to you.

19:56Who, who, who's having a baby?

20:01Not me.

20:03There you go.

20:06Okay, okay, okay, time for a game.

20:07Pictionary.

20:08Yeah.

20:08Okay, um, Trina, go ahead and pick a word out of the bowl.

20:12Well, that doesn't sound too hard.

20:15Okay, and then, well, what you're going to do with the word is draw it on this piece of

20:19paper, and then we're all going to try to guess what the word is.

20:22Okay.

20:23Think baby.

20:24Think baby.

20:25Okay.

20:25Think baby.

20:29Um, bleak?

20:30Bleak.

20:31Uh, parched.

20:32Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, dry.

20:36Uh, uh, desert.

20:37Westland.

20:38Uh, uh, Death Valley.

20:39Desert.

20:41Womb.

20:43W-

20:43Womb?

20:45Womb?

20:46It's my barren womb.

20:47Okay.

20:52Did I mention that I can't have children?

20:54I've had more sperm injected into me than a mother whale and still no takers.

21:01Okay, new game.

21:03Yeah.

21:03Okay, um, everyone stand up.

21:04Okay.

21:05This is really fun.

21:05Grab a balloon.

21:06Can you get up?

21:07Okay.

21:08Okay.

21:09Um, and then you want to put the balloon under your blouse.

21:11Yeah.

21:11Okay.

21:12Except for you.

21:13Okay.

21:14Okay.

21:14All right.

21:15Is everybody with child?

21:17Ah!

21:20I lost it.

21:22It's okay.

21:23It's just a, just a little.

21:26Well, when life hands you lemons, you just gotta make lemonade.

21:29Yeah, but, well, you, why don't you take, take this up.

21:32There you go.

21:32Okay?

21:34Oh.

21:35Okay.

21:36And what you want to do with your baby is...

21:38Oh!

21:40I lost another one.

21:44It's okay.

21:45It's okay.

21:45There you go, Trina.

21:46Three's a charm.

21:47Three's a charm.

21:48We don't want to ruin Kelly's special day, do we?

21:51No.

21:56I think I just felt a kick.

22:00Oh.

22:01Oh.

22:02Me too.

22:03Okay.

22:04Oh, no, no.

22:05Dory, my, my water just broke.

22:06Oh, God.

22:07Mine too.

22:07Oh, this is fun.

22:10She's going into labor.

22:11She's okay.

22:11Oh, freeze.

22:12Breathe.

22:13Oh.

22:14Don't push.

22:15Oh.

22:17Oh.

22:18Oh.

22:20Oh.

22:21Oh.

22:22Oh.

22:23Oh.

22:24Oh.

22:25Oh.

22:26Oh.

22:27Oh.

22:28Oh.

22:29Oh.

22:30Oh.

22:31Oh.

22:32Oh.

22:33Oh.

22:34Oh, it's a healthy baby girl.

22:40Oh, my God.

22:41Okay.

22:41Um, we've got to get you into the hospital.

22:44Okay.

22:44You've got plenty of time.

22:45Let's get her to the car.

22:46The bag's in the car, right?

22:48Okay.

22:48Let me get right here.

22:49Let's get her to the car.

22:50Oh.

22:51Okay?

22:52Yeah.

22:53Okay.

22:54Okay.

22:55Okay.

22:56You're doing great.

22:57Good thing I didn't cut your umbilical cord.

23:00Let's see.

23:01Let's see.

23:02I think I'll name you Balloon-a.

23:04Oh.

23:05Balloon-a.

23:07Oh.

23:08Oh.

23:09Oh.

23:10Oh.

23:11Oh.

23:12Oh.

23:13Oh.

23:14Oh.

23:15Oh.

23:16Oh.

23:17Oh.

23:18Oh.

23:19Oh.

23:20Oh.

23:21Oh.

23:22Oh.

23:23Your mother hasn't tried to kill you since Wednesday.

23:25Oh.

23:26Oh.

23:27Heron.

23:28You.

23:29Batman.

23:30Oh.

23:31Oh.

23:32Oh.

23:33Oh.

23:34Oh.

23:35Oh.

23:36Oh.

23:37Oh.

23:38Oh.

23:39Oh.

23:40Oh.

23:41Oh.

23:42Oh.

23:43Oh.

23:44Oh.

23:45Oh.

23:46Oh.

23:47Oh.

23:48Oh.

23:49Oh.

23:50Oh.

23:51Oh.

23:52Oh.

23:53Oh.

23:54Oh.

23:55Oh.

23:56Oh.

23:57Oh.

23:58Oh.

23:59Oh.

24:00Oh.

24:01Oh.

24:02Oh.

24:03Oh.

24:04Oh.

24:05Oh.

24:06Oh.

24:07Oh.

24:08Oh.

24:09Oh.

24:10Oh.

24:11Oh.

24:12Oh.

24:13Oh.

24:14Oh.

24:15Oh.

24:16Oh.

24:17Oh.

24:18Oh.

24:19Oh.

24:20Oh.

24:21fantasy thing, you know? And to be honest, I don't know if I have it in me to do another year of Hercules.

24:26So I just think it's really time for me to play a character that's a little closer to reality.

24:30Sure.

24:30You know? A normal guy dealing with everyday situations. You know, like you.

24:33We're like the same person, you and I.

24:35Yeah.

24:36Let's take a look at a clip, shall we? Roll the clip.

24:43Honey, she's my mom. You're just gonna have to accept that she's part of the family.

24:48But she hates me.

24:49Oh, she doesn't hate you.

24:51Oh, really? My stepmother, Heron, has tried to kill me twice a day since I was 16, but I'm not scared of her.

24:56Your mother terrifies me.

24:58But please, you're dramatic. Your mother hasn't tried to kill you since Wednesday.

25:02No!

25:06What?

25:09Heron, you bitch!

25:15Okay, you know, Kevin, I'm gonna play hardball here just for a minute, you know.

25:19A lot of people might say that your character here is not very different from Hercules.

25:23No, no, no, I disagree. See, the only similarities are that my name is Hercules, I'm a half-god, I carry a sword, and my father is Zeus.

25:30I mean, other than that, it's totally different.

25:32You know, by the way, your TV wife is such a pretty dish!

25:36You know, sometimes when it's for you, you kiss, I just want to slip inside there and be the meat in your sammy.

25:41Hmm! Who would need that? Who would need us?

25:45Right, you know, anyway, as you see in this next clip, you know, we're very fortunate to get the king of wacky neighbors, the wackiest neighbor of them all.

25:52Oh, show me, show me, show me! Roll the clip!

25:57Hey, Kramer.

25:58Hey, neighborinos.

26:00What's shaking?

26:01My knees, whenever I see my mother-in-law.

26:02Honey.

26:03Hey, Hercules, you know those tools you loaned me?

26:06They all turned into harpies.

26:08They really pecked my eyes out.

26:09Sorry about that, Kramer. It's my stepmother.

26:11She's been trying to kill me.

26:12Last Wednesday, she turned our toilet paper into scorpions.

26:15Yeah, oh.

26:16Sounds kind of nice.

26:18Hey, Hercules.

26:19Nice alligator.

26:24Huh?

26:26Hilarious!

26:26It is better than Hercules, don't you think?

26:28Oh, I know it, and I'm rosy!

26:30Hmm, dang, giddy-wop, bang, dang, dang!

26:32Show me, show me, tell them the big surprise.

26:34Tell them? I say we show them!

26:36Feast your eyes on this!

26:41Oh, hello, Hercules!

26:44Hello, mother.

26:49Ah, you pig of a man! I will kill you!

27:02I told you your mother hated me!

27:06Oh, I was brilliant!

27:08Oh, you were great, Rosie, and it was great for me to finally be able to do something different.

27:11Yeah.

27:15Thank the gods!

27:16What is it? What?

27:18Hercules has been picked up for another five years.

27:21You have no idea. I can finally breathe again.

27:23Okay, wait, wait. What about this? What about us?

27:25This? Burn it. I've got to catch a flight to New Zealand.

27:28Hey.

27:29All right. I'm Hercules again.

27:36Okay, I'm deflating. Oh, here I go.

27:38Okay, well, that's the show. I'm the Romeo.

27:41I'm a TV effect.

27:42Eddie, I am telling you, this is a great movie.

27:48It's got hit written all over it.

27:50Hey, look, man, let me tell you something, all right?

27:52I'm not doing no Larry Poppins, man, all right?

27:54Okay, Eddie, just hear me out, okay?

27:57You're Larry Poppins, a young, hip nanny,

28:00and you're in charge of a troubled youth who's played by...

28:03Are you ready for this?

28:04Man, this better be good.

28:05Okay. Gary Coleman.

28:07Man, what are you talking about, British?

28:09That was $30,000 right there.

28:11Man, does this look like the face of somebody who cares?

28:13Let me tell you something, man.

28:14I'm tired of doing movies where I talk to Hampstead.

28:16My name is not Richard Gere.

28:17And I'm tired of doing movies where I play 16 different characters, all right?

28:20I want people to take me seriously.

28:22I want people to look at me and say,

28:23I take Eddie Murphy seriously.

28:25I want to be known as a dramatic actor.

28:26I want some serious roles.

28:28I want him today, all right?

28:29Now, did you get on the phone and call him A-list actors?

28:31I told you about it.

28:31Yes, yes, of course I did.

28:33Did you call Al Pacino?

28:34Yes.

28:34What'd he say?

28:35He passed.

28:36Man, did you tell him it was Eddie Murphy?

28:37Yes, that's why they passed, Eddie.

28:39Man, I'm going to show you something.

28:40No, no, no.

28:40I'm going to take one.

28:40Pass it.

28:41Eddie, please.

28:41Princess Di gave me that one, please.

28:44Princess Di?

28:44Yes.

28:45Well, I'm going to keep this one, all right?

28:46But you don't need to be smoking.

28:47That's why I'm going to pick you up.

28:48No, no, no, no.

28:49I didn't mean to be...

28:49Please, Eddie, come on.

28:53I'm here for my 10 o'clock appointment.

28:56Right on time.

28:58Keanu, your appointment is Wednesday at 4.

29:01Today is Monday, and it's noon.

29:03Yeah.

29:06Sorry.

29:06Oh, hold on a second, would you?

29:11Eddie, this is our guy.

29:12He's an A-list actor who can't act.

29:16Hey, could you come here a minute?

29:17Anybody who does a movie next to him is going to look like a genius.

29:20Keanu, could you come here, please?

29:21Yeah.

29:21Okay, this...

29:22I'd like you to meet Eddie Murphy.

29:23That's right, man.

29:24I am Eddie Murphy.

29:25Nice to meet you.

29:26I am Keanu Reeves.

29:28You must be the new assistant.

29:30Man, look, I ain't nobody's assistant, man.

29:31I'm Eddie Murphy.

29:32Okay, Keanu, Eddie's a huge star.

29:34He's appeared in a lot of big films like Mulan and...

29:37That's right, and Beverly Hills Cop.

29:38Beverly Hills Cop.

29:38Beverly Hills Cop 2.

29:39Cop 2.

29:40Beverly Hills Cop 3.

29:41Beverly Hills Cop 2.

29:42Well, you know, I've done some action movies myself.

29:44Yes, Keanu has appeared in Johnny Mnemonic, for instance.

29:48It's Men-a-monic.

29:50Keanu, here, has also done some serious roles.

29:53Yeah.

29:54I did a little movie called Prime Strokers.

29:56Dracula.

29:57You know what, man?

29:58I did a Dracula movie, man.

29:59It was called Vampire Brooklyn, man.

30:00I had a big, long, Jerry Carroll used to get the back of my neck wet, man, but I was

30:03in the movie, and that was good, too.

30:04Nobody saw it, but that was good.

30:06You weren't in no Dracula.

30:07Yeah, yeah, it was.

30:08Check it out.

30:09Pay close attention to the English accent.

30:13Driver, how much father to the castle?

30:19Man, I'm not working with this moron, man.

30:21How do you...

30:21Eddie, do you want the Oscar or not?

30:23Yes, man, but...

30:24You know, you're gonna look like Marlon Brando next to this guy.

30:27Right, man.

30:28I will close the deal, all right?

30:32Look, Keanu, man.

30:34Eddie.

30:35I'm talking to my agent, man, and we both come to the conclusion that you and I need

30:39to do a movie together.

30:41You know what?

30:41I've got an even better idea.

30:43What's that, Keanu?

30:43You and I should do a movie together.

30:47It's good to see you again, my old friend, Judah Ben-Hur.

30:57The gods have been kind to you.

30:59I don't know about your god, but I know that my friend Marsalis is well.

31:04All right?

31:05Your god is a false god, and I will grind your bones, and the lions will roar.

31:10It's Eddie Murphy and Gary Coleman like you've never seen them before.

31:20America, say hello to Larry Poppin.

31:22Chim-chim-chiree, Larry Poppin's Chim-chim-chiree.

31:26Calm down, little fella.

31:27I'm just trying to open your ass to the beauty of the world.

31:30Oh, Larry, do the last.

31:32Hey, don't do that, man.

31:35That's my laugh, all right?

31:36And now, a MADtv classic.

31:56Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome comedy legend, Bob Sagan.

32:05Thanks a lot.

32:06Hey, how about those Swiss, huh?

32:08I tell you, if I spent as much time yodeling and dancing through the mountains as they do,

32:12I'd hide Nazi gold, too.

32:15Speaking of funny, how many out there remember a little sitcom with the name of Full House?

32:22Thanks a lot.

32:23During its 17-year run, we won over 200 Emmys,

32:25and were broadcast to more than 400 million countries worldwide.

32:30You guys are a great audience.

32:32Hey, how many Swiss does it take to screw in a light bulb?

32:34How many?

32:35One.

32:36One.

32:36The rest of the country was too busy staying neutral as Hitler's army swept across Europe.

32:42Okay.

32:43What would a Full House reunion be without the whole Full House family?

32:46So, please help me welcome John Stamos.

32:50Gloria Lawson.

32:51And, of course, America's two favorite Muppets, the Olsen twins.

32:56Mary-Kate and Ashley, get out of here.

32:58Hi, everybody.

33:02I missed you, Uncle Jesse.

33:04Ah, your Uncle Jesse missed you, too, Ashley.

33:07I love you, Daddy.

33:10Oh, geez.

33:12Hey, Mary-Kate, look.

33:13We got our own chairs, just like the grown-ups.

33:16Yay!

33:20Many of you don't know this, but these two little girls took turns playing Michelle on the show.

33:24That's because we're identical twins.

33:27I'm Ashley.

33:29No, I'm Ashley.

33:37Did you all miss us?

33:39Are you going to cry because you missed us?

33:41Cry because you missed us.

33:42Are you going to cry?

33:44Cry because you missed us.

33:45Say, why don't we run a clip for the folks at home of our new TV movie, Full House 98, Home Again?

33:51Yeah.

33:52I'm all sweaty.

33:54Someone get me a towel.

33:56And some nachos.

33:59Say, why don't we run that clip?

34:11Michelle?

34:15Is there anything you want to tell me?

34:18I don't think so.

34:20Nothing you want to tell me about the lamp?

34:23It's all broke.

34:24Who broke it?

34:25I suppose you're going to try to tell me a bunch of Swiss people snuck in here and broke that lamp.

34:30You never believe me.

34:32You never believe me.

34:45Oh, boy.

34:48Now that brings back the memories, huh?

34:49It sure does.

34:50How about this one, Uncle Jesse?

34:52Are you ready?

34:54Uh-huh.

34:55One, two, three.

34:58If you think you're a woman, fuck like this, then you're a woman.

35:03That's a long other clip.

35:04Hi-ya.

35:04If you think you're a woman, fuck like this, then you're a woman.

35:10Honey, I'm sorry I didn't believe you about the lamp.

35:13That's okay.

35:14I still love you, Daddy.

35:16And I'm sorry I put that fish in your soup.

35:19It was funny.

35:21I love you, too, Uncle Jesse.

35:25And I'm sorry for sneaking a Swiss gentleman into the house.

35:29Well, aren't you going to say you love me, Michelle?

35:32I'm thinking about it.

35:33Who do you think is cuter, me or Mary-Kate?

35:46Oh, girls, you're both adorable.

35:48No, you think I'm a fat monster.

35:52You're not a monster.

35:54But she is fat.

35:56Oh, I'm going to kill you.

35:58You'll have to catch me first.

36:02Boy, it's really been something, but that's all the time we got, so...

36:06No, no, no.

36:07No, no, we've still got, like, 40 minutes.

36:09That's okay.

36:10We'll entertain you.

36:12Yay!

36:13If you think you're a woman, fuck like this, then you're a woman.

36:18If you think you're a woman, fuck like this, then you're a woman.

36:23You're a man.

36:24Come on, she's a woman.

36:26Come on, she's a woman.

36:28Yes!

36:43Oh!

36:50Oh!

36:51Mr. Khan, your 1.30 is here.

37:03Eric Snyder?

37:05Thank you for seeing me, sir.

37:06It's a pleasure to finally meet you.

37:11Nice suit, Eric Snyder.

37:14I am tempted to have my way with you.

37:18I am Nako Khan.

37:20I am the last of the Mongol warriors.

37:24But my ancestors scream out to me from beyond the grave

37:28to gather a new Mongol horde.

37:33Well, actually, I thought I was here about a consultant position.

37:38Yes, consultant to the horde.

37:42You have horde experience?

37:45Yes, yes.

37:46I worked for Microsoft for two years.

37:50Although I would imagine that this is probably a whole different kettle of fish.

37:55Um, actually, uh, as a consultant to the horde, what will my responsibilities be?

38:02You will ride east in the dawn to a new Mongol era.

38:06You will suckle the entrails of the vanquished.

38:10You will scorch the plains and pillage.

38:12Leave nothing unraped.

38:14So I'd have to relocate.

38:19Is that a problem?

38:21Oh, no, no, no.

38:21I love travel.

38:23Excellent.

38:24You will sleep in the saddle.

38:27You will drink from the rain.

38:29You will warm yourself with the stool of the pachyderm.

38:34We stormed eastward to the glory of the horde.

38:38Ha, ha!

38:40What say you, Eric Snyder?

38:43Well, it sounds great.

38:45Um, one question.

38:47Is there any kind of insurance plan that I'd be paying into?

38:49Yes.

38:50Full health and partial dental.

38:53Would you like to order lunch?

38:55Yes.

38:55I will feast on the babies of those who stand in my path.

38:59So, Greenblatt's Deli.

39:01Turkey club on dry wheat toast.

39:03And don't let the pickles touch the bread or I will eat your brains like mutton.

39:10I am sorry, Eric Snyder.

39:13We will ride into victory.

39:16Much life will be spilled.

39:18And we will trample the earth like the hooves of stampeding beasts.

39:25Are you interested?

39:28Yes, definitely.

39:29Good.

39:30Be here Monday for your fur and armor fitting and sexual harassment lecture.

39:37Sorry, it's mandatory.

39:39But I look forward to working with you, Eric Snyder.

39:43Together, we will drink the blood of our enemies from their very own skulls.

39:48Sounds dandy.

39:50All right, uh, thank you, sir.

39:52Uh, I'm really looking forward to this and I'll see you Monday.

39:54Uh.

39:55Ah!

39:56What?

39:56Ah!

39:59All righty, then.

40:00Congratulations.

40:03Drive safely.

40:05You are man.

40:27You are man.

40:31It's time to go.

40:32Yeah, it's time to go.

40:38It's really...

40:39You guys have been great.

41:02You're a duck.

41:24Yeah, okay.

41:25Sounds dandy.

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